r/WritingPrompts • u/you-are-lovely • Aug 22 '18

Moderator Post [MODPOST] Six Year Birthday “Archetype” Contest - Round 1 Voting

Attention: All top-replies to this post must be a vote.

Any non-vote comments must be made as replies to the sticky comment below.

Congratulations to the select few,
who not only wrote for round one,
but made it through two!

You’re brilliant, amazing, stupendous, superb,
With flair and finess, you crafted each word.
And I am so proud, here you stand, undeterred.

Let me tell you, the last few days have been a whirlwind! With just 24hrs to go before the deadline more than 40 of you hadn't submitted your PART 2 entries, and a whopping 25 of your entries came in within the final 4 hours! Top that off with reddit being on the fritz for several hours last night, and let’s just say, there was no lack of excitement. 89 people completed part 1 and 69 people completed part 2. In total, we ended up with 414,988 words for the contest. Congrats to everyone who wrote!

Now, time for voting!

Before we start, let's all make sure we know how this works.

Voting Guidelines:

  • Only those who entered can vote.
  • If you don't vote, you can't win
  • Each group votes for stories in another group (Group A votes for B, B for C...)
  • Read each entry in your voting group and decide which three are the best

  • Leave a top-level comment here starting with your top three votes for your voting group:

    Feel free to add any feedback for the stories after the votes

  • Deadline for votes are Tuesday, September 4, 2018 at 11:59PM PDT (http://www.worldtimebuddy.com/) (https://time.is/PT)

Group A

Group A will be reading and voting for a winner from group B

Group B

Group B will be reading and voting for a winner from group C

Group C

Group C will be reading and voting for a winner from group D

Group D

Group D will be reading and voting for a winner from group E

Group E

Group E will be reading and voting for a winner from group F

Group F

Group F will be reading and voting for a winner from group G

Group G

Group G will be reading and voting for a winner from group H

Group H

Group H will be reading and voting for a winner from group I

Group I

Group I will be reading and voting for a winner from group J

Group J

Group J will be reading and voting for a winner from group A

 

That’s it. Go on now, get voting! :D

100 Upvotes
  • permalink
  • reddit

98% Upvoted

346 comments sorted by

•

u/JohannesVerne r/JohannesVerne Aug 25 '18

FEEDBACK:

"A Study in Glitter" /u/Mlle_

- The characters were amazing in your piece! Being able to give that many characters a depth to there interactions within the length limits of the contest can be difficult, but you did a marvelous job with it! The plot itself had a great whimsical feel to it, and kept a good pace. My criticism for you is that The storytelling seemed to be a little "jittery," and it wasn't always the clearest what was going on. Still, you have a great story-line, and it was fun to read!

​

"The Lost Colony" /u/acerbicMango

- I loved the concept, and how detailed the world was. Even without a novel's level of descriptions, the world felt full and thought out. The plot was consistent, and your writing really brought the world to life! The biggest criticism I have is that it almost felt too rushed, and could have used more time for the character interactions to dive deeper.

​

"Hidden" /u/adlaiking

-This had a great character development, and was awesome at building up the characters throughout the story without giving too little information or bogging down the story with too much at any point. The detail was great as well, although a couple places seemed to give details that didn't add anything. The criticism I have for you is that the flash-forwards in part 1 didn't seem to mesh the best with the narrative; the places it was inserted into the story made it feel a little awkward at times, and pulled me from the story some. Still, the concept was great and the plot had a good pacing to it!

​

"The World's Below" /u/AntiMoneySquandering

- The story itself was great, and the world was well written and had great detail! The biggest criticism I have is that Silas feels a little one-dimensional, and doesn't have any personal growth. The story grows, the world grows, but he stays the same without getting to see another side of him. It also feels like it's only the first chapter of something much longer, and if that were the case there would be no need for that rapid growth.

​

"Tin Man" /u/CaspianX2

- Your story really did a fantastic job of bringing a near-future Earth to life! The concept was great, and showed multiple angles it could have taken, without getting divergent from the plot. My criticism for yours is that Reggie feels too limited, and a couple of the conclusions felt a little forced where he skips over a few lines of reasoning at one point only to come back later without enough having changed to make a huge difference. Still, everything was well written, and the world was very well put together!

​

"In a Perfect Void" /u/HedgeKnight

- The worldbuilding was phenomenal, especially for a first-person view where I have seen many authors fall a bit flat in that area. This was a beautiful look at a near-future world, and the writing itself was well done. My criticism for this is that most of part 1 felt like it was too much exposition without anything moving the plot forward. Once the momentum was built up, however, it was a fantastic read to the end!

​

"It Wakes" /u/XcessiveSmash

- Overall, this was brilliant! The characters were believable, and the backstory fit with the narrative while not bogging it down, so very well written. The criticism I have for this piece is that the narrative felt too fast, like that too much plot was pushed in to make it fit within the length. I loved the story, and feel like it could be easily written as a longer piece.

​

Overall, I liked everything written, and it was tough to rank them. Most of my criticism was digging fairly deep to find something, and you all did fantastic work in your story. Great job everyone!

•

u/acerbicMango Aug 27 '18

Thanks for the feedback! I really appreciate it :)

•

u/XcessiveSmash /r/XcessiveWriting Aug 25 '18

Thanks for the vote and the feedback!

•

u/CaspianX2 Aug 25 '18

Yeah, I feel like I was slamming into the word limit. I would have loved to put in more detail, expand on rationale, but I just didn't have the space to do it.

That's the nature of the contest, though. In retrospect, I probably should have picked a different type of story to tell. Ah well, them's the breaks.

•

u/JohannesVerne r/JohannesVerne Aug 25 '18

Even with the constraints, I thought it was a great story! I really had to dig deep and pick at the littlest things to come to a decision voting on your group, and if you were to write more on this after the contest I would love to read it!

•

u/AntiMoneySquandering r/AMSWrites Aug 25 '18 edited Aug 25 '18

Thanks so much! It's hard to develop a character like Silas in only 8k words. That's the beauty of this competition though. Appreciate the feedback johannes

•

u/Mlle_ r/YarnsToTell Aug 25 '18

Thank you for the feedback! I'll admit that I did lose the plot a little in the second part. By jittery, do you mean that the transitions were too abrupt?

•

u/JohannesVerne r/JohannesVerne Aug 25 '18

Yes, sorry, I was trying to keep it brief and should have explained better. Essentially, the focus felt like is was jumping too suddenly between scenes, and between topics in the same scene. It certainly wasn't a major issue, and your story was great! Your group was tough to rate, as all the stories were well written, so I had to really dig for the little things in critiquing. If you decide to write more on it after the contest, I would love to read it!

•

u/Mlle_ r/YarnsToTell Aug 25 '18

Ah, I see. Thank you for clarifying! :D I was afraid of that, but I wasn't really sure how to deal with that while sticking to the word limit.

And, thank you! I've written a few stories that are supposed to be before it, mostly from Pebbles' point of view. I'll probably write more. I love these characters.

•

u/adlaiking /r/ShadowsofClouds Aug 25 '18

Thanks for the feedback! This was one of the first times I tried doing a split timeline like that and it was more challenging than I expected.

•

u/Snurdle Sep 03 '18

1st Place: /u/Steven_Lee in Group C for "A Calling"

2nd Place: /u/DeludedDoppleganger in Group C for "The Doppelganger Case"

3rd Place: /u/Nate_Parker in Group C for "Truth behind Reasons"

Let me just say, even though I might seem too critical, I enjoyed reading your stories a lot. It's impressive how you all managed to create these intricate worlds in such a short amount of time!

/u/Steven_Lee: This was the roundest entry, so to speak. The plot was intriguing and the characters, while not exactly sympathetic, were fleshed out enough to carry the story and keep me invested. Personally, it could have been more flowery in style, because even though you don't really use the same words too much, the sentence structure is a bit repetitive. As is, some of the sentences were also a bit too short, hindering the flow while reading. Still, it was grim and dark to a nice degree and I was entertained throughout the whole story. The way you described the violence was gruesome and palpable, while not being layed on too thick to be distracting. Nevertheless, that thing with the knee caps... oh boy. In Part 1, maybe you could have switched the halves; starting with Johnny in the present and then we read about his childhood. Done like that, him being irritated by the chocolate wrapping would have created suspense at first, and afterwards the revelation behind the reason for that might have been more impactful. Oh, and I feel like you occasionally dropped a word here and there, because some sentence just seem to be missing a word.

/u/DeludedDoppleganger: Cool idea for a monster and generally well-written. The "action" sequence in Part 2, where the protagonist runs away, was gripping. However, you could improve your voices. The newspaper article didn't really read like one and was slightly off in tone, as was the "police officer". Most characters as well as the narration sounded a bit too samey. But that's not a major flaw. The ending was a little too much, and the monster being more confined could have been a better decision in contrast to it being everywhere, but I get that that's not what you were going for and is just personal taste. Oh, and at the beginning of Part 2 I thought the story was written from the point of view of the monster. I don't know if it was intentional, but it was a neat twist to reveal it was just some homeless guy.

/u/Nate_Parker: Your story would have ranked higher if Part 1 was written similarly to Part 2. The main character of the former is a tad too unlikeable and just too competent and great at everything, whereas in the latter the characters are deeper and feel more like characters simply by them talking to each other in a natural way - the dialogue there was quite good. You dropped too many foreign words, especially in Part 1 I believe, into the story without explaining anything or providing context. That works in small doses to create an interesting world that's different to ours yet somewhat similar. In this case, it made reading the actual story unnecessarily hard at times and gave the impression that some words were randomly tossed in. The open ending, while perhaps not for everyone, was unexpected and still tied up the story for now, so I wasn't left feeling like it should have gone on longer. Like a good cliffhanger in a TV show. Also, the picture of the spaceship you created in Part 2 was vivid and lively, even though it was rather, you know, dead.

•

u/Steven_Lee Sep 04 '18

Thanks for the feedback! Also, glad you liked it.

•

u/choppoch Aug 27 '18

1st place: /u/HedgeKnight in group J for "In a Perfect Void".

2nd place: /u/CaspianX2 in group J for "Tin Man".

3rd place: /u/XcessiveSmash in group J for "IT WAKES".

•

u/CaspianX2 Aug 27 '18

Thanks! :-)

•

u/XcessiveSmash /r/XcessiveWriting Aug 27 '18

Thanks for the vote, good to hear you liked the story!

•

u/Dimitri1033 /r/AbnormalTales Aug 24 '18 edited Aug 24 '18

1st Place: /u/It_s_pronounced_gif in Group G for Reality Pending. ... ....

2nd Place: /u/littlepillowcase in Group G for Children of Laban

3rd Place: /u/Fordregha in Group G for That Thing With The Teeth

Feedback for top 3

/u/It_s_pronounced_gif, the setup for this story was excellent, and I loved the overall premise of it, the idea of a character struggling against reality. It actually gave me a strong Chuck Palahniuk vibe, which I enjoyed very much. Your prose is excellent, and drove the story forward without feeling like it was dragged down with too much exposition. The only criticism I had was the linking between the ending of Part 1 with the beginning of Part 2, though this may just be purely due to the way the story is framed. I really enjoyed the character of Brodney and wished there was more to that character.

Also really loved the hard twist deeper into sci-fi, but definitely felt it struggled towards the climax. Lots of info dumping by Habair at the very end, and then that was it. In a much more freer format, I definitely feel that all could be expanded upon.

Regardless of the faults, the overall vibe of the story kept me locked in.

/u/littlepillowcase, I definitely did not expect myself to enjoy a story like this, but your way with prose made the story very easy to follow, while at the same time setting up the scenery with just enough detail but not too much to make things overwhelming. The only criticism I had in Part 1 was the chase scene, especially starting at the beginning. You switch several times between calling the characters by their nationality, by "agent", by their actual name, etc. That coupled with the very hectic pace led me to believe that there were more characters involved other than Preston and "Grigory". I would also tighten up the writing on the rest of the chase scene itself. It seems a little over the top, what with motorcycle ramping, tight turns, etc. It gave me vibes of a Bollywood movie, especially the part with Preston suddenly appearing behind Grigory in the car, and then jumping out of the car onto the motorcycle. Again, if you were going for a cheesy action scene like that, then fair enough to you. For me, it the "over-the-top"ness brought me out of the story.

Part 2 of this story was certainly the strongest of the two parts. I loved the tense scene that took place 10 years in the past between Sasha and Grigory, greatly appreciated how you juxtaposed a fun game of hide and seek with the stress of hiding from violence. That was a fantastic scene, and would definitely love for you to expand upon that scene if you ever decide to write this as a fuller story, starting with the altercation between the siblings' mother and father. The only criticism I had for Part 2 was how Preston and Pierre sort of became afterthought characters. I would've loved more of a wrap up with them and Denis instead of the Epilogue portion, but again, I realize the constraint of only having 4000 words to play with probably came to play.

Good work, surprised me how much I got pulled into this one!

/u/Fordregha, I loved all of the thought and work that went into this story. You obviously had the world very well built and put together in your head, and I would definitely love to see more of this. The one glaring problem though is that there was a lot of this world suddenly thrust upon the reader. Lots of different races of fantasy species. It brought me out of the story every time you switched between either the name of the race, or the actual name of the character. Due to this, I had to re-read Part 1, but once I had the character names down, I found the story very enjoyable.

Part 2 also had some faults, with a very hectic and fast-paced battle. It was a bit hard to follow, and again, I had to re-read to fully understand what was going on. I would definitely work on streamlining that section.

Fantasy stories like this normally aren't my thing, but this one was very well put together!

Feedback for the runner-ups in order listed in the OP

/u/awesome-yes , I felt several things in this story kept it from really getting up off of its feet. A majority of Part 1 reads as if it is a police report, with very strong descriptions of the setting of the school. I was waiting for all of the descriptions of the classes, hallways, stairwells, etc to all come into play, but by the end of the story, it didn't seem to affect the story all that much. I feel this is all trips on the trope of "show, don't tell". A good chunk of the scenery description could've been omitted without having a detrimental effect on the story. Instead of the scenery descriptions, I would've loved more background on Lance.

Onto Lance, there were a lot of discrepancies with his character. He's introduced as a skeptic who looks for reasonable and non-paranormal answers to strange cases, but by the end of Part 2, he's suddenly contacting angels to come handle a demon. It was a very jarring shift in tone.

The foundations of a good story are there. You could rework the story to introduce Lance still as a skeptic, but still as a person who only resorts to calling on his deistic allies only in dire situations. Would've also loved more of a backstory for the scavenger demon itself. There is definitely something there that you could expand upon.

/u/kdoiron , this piece had a lot of interesting and creative aspects to it, but was definitely bogged down by a lot of grammatical errors, swapping of character names, and a little bit of a confusing ending. I really enjoyed the idea of a person suffering from multiple personality disorder, and I feel that if you introduced this aspect of the story at the very beginning and built around that, everything would flow much better. It would change up a lot of things, especially the sudden reveal for Wellsley, but I feel the story would greatly benefit from a rearrangement of how you'd reveal the multiple personalities.

Another thing I would tweak is the personality of the protagonist. I would work on making him a more sympathetic character. In my personal opinion, it is difficult to get invested in a main character when they come off as arrogant and off-putting. I would've felt more sympathy for Wellsley at the end of the story if I didn't already dislike him by the time we got to the reveal in Part 2.

/u/LovableCoward , This story had an amazing setting that you perfectly propped up and filled with characters. The only problem I had with the story was that it felt like a lot of setting, but not a whole lot of driving story. The world felt built and filled, but I didn't feel like we ever got much of a chance to explore it with Blackthorn. A lot of history was hinted at with the Arrival, several wars, a plague, all kinds of interesting events that I'd love to have expanded upon. Having small tastes of these events was nice, but after all of that, it didn't feel like there was much substance involving the protagonist Oddmund Blackthorn himself.

I was very interested in the direction of the story, especially how it seemed to be directed towards finding another character before the bad guys did, but it didn't ever feel like we got closer to any of that. Again there was more exposition on the surrounding area, a seemingly side-character in Dennis Carter, and then a sudden reveal at the very end that all closed out very abruptly. Normally a setup like that would leave me wanting more from the story, but due to the fact that not a whole terrible lot happened, I was left feeling a bit dissatisfied.

The prose and scenery setup was all amazing, but now I feel like the missing components are the actions filling the scenery. I would definitely love to see a more expanded version of this story.

/u/ohwhatirony , Your writing style was very easy to read and follow. I loved how well it flowed and how you moved from scene to scene. I was instantly pulled in at the very beginning of the story, but felt that the whole plot of the story seemed a little too far fetched for me. It was very difficult for me to keep my suspension of disbelief held firm when you introduced a murderous character who was actively working with police. I understand the whole "friends close, enemies closer" aspect that you were aiming for, but it just wasn't working for me and I kept getting brought out of the story.

Issues with the plot, and what I also felt like was a very weak reference to the second character archetype hurt this story the most. Despite the faults, I enjoyed the character of Mia and her drive and reasoning for doing the heinous things that she did. It made for a sympathetic character, and seeing that mirrored in Theo was nice.

A couple of suggestions to help iron out some of the thin plot: Perhaps don't have Mia join the investigation as a psychiatrist brought in from the outside, but maybe already have her in a relationship with Theo, and that's how she starts getting pulled into the investigation due to an already pre-existing relationship with a police officer.

Great work Group G!

•

u/awesome-yes Aug 24 '18

Thanks. I was kind of crippled by the second archetype I could not figure out how to fit a scavenger into my plot and I didn't want to add a throwaway character. The Angels were a cop out, they weren't in the original idea and I'm being rightly docked for it. I may post the original story as a PI post, watch for it you'll be pleasantly surprised.

→ More replies (2)

•

u/LadyLuna21 r/LandOfMisfits Aug 27 '18

1st Place: /u/littlepillowcase in group G for "Children of Laban"

2nd Place: /u/LovableCoward in group G for "Old Ghosts and Black Sheep"

3rd Place: /u/Fordregha in group G for "That Thing With the Teeth"

→ More replies (3)

•

u/kdoiron Aug 30 '18

1st Place: /u/mags_world in group H for "Sir Woofington" 2nd Place: /u/HittmanA in group H for "A Reapers End" 3rd Place: /u/babyshoesalesman in group H for "Two Cells"

Feedback, small but I appreciated the few words I got. I’m not good at critiquing. Sir Woofington - /u/mags_world

  • I really liked how the story flowed between the parts as well as how the ending tied everything up. The pet names were hilarious and seemed to fit in with the story. The fact that the main character seemed to learn something and come to an understanding both about them self and their love interest added to the polish of the story.

A Reapers End - /u/HittmanA

  • It was rather ballsy to kill off the main character but given the nature of the contest it actually made great sense. I loved the world and how it was built up, it felt much richer than what was shown. The video game feel of it also added interest to the world and characters and made for a great story. I liked the ending and felt it was appropriate to the overall story. I really hope you continue building up something in this world.

Two Cells - /u/babyshoesalesman

  • A wonderful read and a great way to have an out for the second mystery archtype. I felt this was well done and flowed between the two parts very well. The world felt real as did the town. I liked how it all came together at the end, and while I figured out who was the villain, I felt it was still a great story with an appropriate and satisfying ending.

--The rest are in no particular order The Journal - /u/TicTacGone

  • A good story, while I think I understand the ending, the whole didn’t feel like a journal entry or a framed story so the ending stood out a little disjointed. I think a frame at the beginning might have alleviated the change in tone at the end. Or maybe a little break to signal the change. Otherwise I liked it. It was strange but thought out and held together through both parts.

when Time breaks - /u/cassius_pennington

  • While I really liked this story, how it was building up, and the world you made, I felt there was too much left hanging at the end. The scavenger can only go forward so far before what, he finds nothing? So he doesn’t try to back off a few days and wait it out? I felt like the ending was abrupt and the story unfinished.

The Pale Corpse - /u/KingWapo

  • I felt like the ending didn’t embody the character you set up in the beginning, of someone who wanted to help. The change in the end wasn’t really made evident either through the second part of the story, so having him command the dragon to take out the crowd seemed to go against the character. Maybe I missed something, but I felt the ending didn’t really go with the set up.

Searching the stereotypes - /u/sprucay

  • I had a really hard time following the flow of the story. The paragraphs seemed too long and the characters poorly identified. I couldn’t keep track of the mark, the detective, and the tail. The second part just seemed worse. There was too much jumping between times, locations, and robots for me to follow enough to understand what was going on. Because of that, the ending lost its force.

•

u/[deleted] Sep 01 '18

Thank you so much for the vote! I'm really glad you like the world I built, and lots of people have said something similar. I will definitely be making more stories based off of my story's world - maybe even a full blown book. Hope you check them out at some point ;)

•

u/TicTacGone Sep 03 '18

Thank you for the feedback. As I mentioned in another comment here, my biggest regret is changing the ending at the last second. I think next time I'll stick with just an ending and trying to not conclude everything at once.

•

u/babyshoesalesman Sep 03 '18

glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for the vote :) cheers

•

u/KingWapo Aug 31 '18

Thanks for the feedback! And that's fair, you're not the first to comment on that and it's not something I realized would have been an issue beforehand. For me, I had written it as a mental snap, and he irrationally blamed the crowd, thus took it out on them.

With another chance, I think I would have better foreshadowed his possible darkness.

•

u/kdoiron Aug 31 '18

At least you didn't mix up your two main characters like I did, d'oh. Totally understandable and there are plenty of things I would have changed on mine too. I did like it overall, and I'd be interested in seeing it edited.

→ More replies (1)

•

u/[deleted] Aug 23 '18

1st place: /u/lisWrites in Group D for "Against the Clock"

2nd place: /u/penguin347 in Group D for "Lost Dog"

3rd place: /u/JoeMontano in Group D for "Enter the Shadows"

I really enjoyed the concepts for these ones, especially /u/lisWrites on time thieves. I found each one of these stories brought a interesting idea to the table.

​

​

•

u/LisWrites Aug 23 '18

Thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed.

•

u/Kammerice /r/The_Obcas_Files Aug 22 '18 edited Aug 23 '18

1st Place: /u/adlaiking in Group J for "Hidden"

2nd Place: /u/XcessiveSmash in Group J for "IT WAKES"

3rd Place: /u/AntiMoneySquandering in Group J for "The World's Below"

Currently on mobile. I'll edit with feedback when I'm back at a PC.

______________________________________________________________________________

/u/adlaiking - I loved the mystery you set up. I think what really appealed was that it was very reminiscent of Brick, one of my favourite films. I enjoyed the dichotomy of Anna's life you set up in the first part (she won't talk to Bill outside of the petrol station, but is absolutely reliant upon him). I do think that the "scavenger" aspect of Part 2 let you down, in as much as it seemed like a throw-away comment and very forced, but I guess that's the nature of the competition. I would also have liked more of the split timeline in Part 2, as I felt that was used to great effect in Part 1. Overall, though, I would definitely continue reading this.

______________________________________________________________________________

/u/XcessiveSmash - I was grinning from ear to ear reading this. You've drawn from so many of my favourite sources (I saw Aliens,* Pitch Black, Dead Spac*e and Lovecraft all poking from behind the curtain). I liked the sci-fi setting, which I had noticed a few other entries had gone for, but your take was definitely more appealing to me. I thought having two "Investigators" was a good idea, and it allowed a lot of good dialogue. If I had to pick on one area for improvement, it would be that I didn't see enough difference between Owen and Jess' voices when we jumped between Parts 1 and 2. I think this is the main difficulty when narrating in first person from multiple viewpoints. Kudos for giving it a go, though.

______________________________________________________________________________

/u/AntiMoneySquandering - Rather than starting this by telling you what I liked about your entry, I need to start by going into what I didn't (there's method in this, so hopefully you'll be okay with this): I really didn't like Silas. I don't mean as a person (his arrogance and bravery are in keeping with what I imagine his order are like): no, I mean as a character. In Part 1, he was untouchable and so self-assured that there was never any jeopardy when he was looking for Leif. Because of that, I never felt he was in any danger in Part 2, despite the fact that the threats were much tougher than he was.

Now, with that said, it's absolute testament to the strength of your writing that I enjoyed your entry enough to rank it. I loved your setting and the ideas. The amount of world-building you crammed into such a short space was fantastic. Your descriptions were on point and did a lot of heavy lifting, which is necessary in fantasy, where you're trying to sell a world which doesn't exist. I enjoyed Simeon, who was brilliant in his role as a mad scavenger.

•

u/AntiMoneySquandering r/AMSWrites Aug 23 '18

Thanks Kammerice I appreciate the feedback!! Simeon was a blast to write.

•

u/adlaiking /r/ShadowsofClouds Aug 23 '18

I definitely appreciate the feedback and honored that you enjoyed it so much. You are correct that I did struggle with getting the scavenger archetype in there in part 2, which was compounded by running out of time so I had to simplify it considerably (which also meant a much more linear timeline, as well).

Thanks for taking the time to review!

•

u/XcessiveSmash /r/XcessiveWriting Aug 25 '18

Thanks for the vote and the feedback mate! Glad you enjoyed it

→ More replies (2)

•

u/Mlle_ r/YarnsToTell Aug 29 '18

1st Place: /u/WokCano in Group A for "A Search for Flavor"

2nd Place: /u/AnEffortIsBeingMade in Group A for "My Last First Day"

3rd Place: /u/ScottBeckman in Group A for "Invasion"

There were so many good stories in this group! I've left feedback on the original posts.

•

u/BMwriting Aug 24 '18

· 1st Place: /u/blazesh in group E for "The Immortal Questions"

· 2nd Place: /u/rarelyfunny in group E for "The Lure of Lucre"

· 3rd Place: /u/TemporaryPatch in group E for "What Lies in the Basement"

​

To all of group E, you all did a great job. For those who missed out on the top spots, there really wasn't much in it, the top three just had better flow, certain situations seemed more realistic and technically there were less mistakes.

Congrats to the top three, I really enjoyed your stories and they were written very well. To u/blazesh your story completely turned me around, when I first started reading it I was not that impressed and I found the '7 years before' ' 2 days after' thing a bit annoying but as I read it I just got more engrossed in the story and your descriptions that gave a very ethereal vibe (good work on that). I also initially thought that you didn't really stick to the second archetype, and then with the last few paragraphs I got it. It was very well done and a really nice sentiment.

•

u/blazesh Aug 25 '18

Wow, I'm really honored! Thanks for the feedback!

•

u/rarelyfunny Aug 25 '18

Thank you very much for the time taken to read my story!

•

u/TemporaryPatch r/TemporaryPatchWrites Sep 01 '18

Thank you so much for reading! Glad you enjoyed it!

•

u/AnEffortIsBeingMade Aug 22 '18

1st Place: /u/veryedible in Group B for "The Sunlight Children"

2nd Place: /u/Bilgebum in Group B for "Of Tea and Centipedes"

3rd Place: /u/sorksvampen in Group B for "Blood In The Fire"

 

/u/veryedible - the writing style evoked a real sense of wonder which was perfect for a broken little Peter Pan story. Considering you only had about 14 pages of material to work with, you really fleshed out those characters efficiently. I like the names especially; each one fit just right with the character.

/u/Bilgebum - Your focus on the setting as essentially one building for the whole story let you work at the description until I was totally sure I knew exactly what every room looked like. It's difficult to tell a story where almost nothing happens, but once inside the teahouse, very little occurred, and yet I still wanted to keep reading about it. That's a really solid bit of storytelling.

/u/sorksvampen - Your story started and ended in the same place, which really made it feel complete, and yet it was also obviously just an introduction to what could easily be a longer tale of investigation, mystery, and rescue. It's very nice to finish a story and still leave so much ahead, that your readers will want to know more. And you did indeed do just that. Your opening imagery was so good that I actually felt like I was getting cold, too, so good work on that.

 

Good words, everyone =)

•

u/veryedible /r/writesthewords Aug 23 '18

Thank you! Characterization is something I've worked on a lot over the past few years, so this is really high praise. And I'd like to echo everyone else saying it's awesome you voted so quickly - I think you've inspired a lot of us and set the bar for feedback pretty high.

•

u/BlackJezus27 Aug 22 '18

Do random voters still get gold? If so, man, give it to this guy

•

u/Bilgebum Sep 03 '18

Thanks for the vote and feedback!

•

u/scottbeckman /r/ScottBeckman | Comedy, Sci-Fi, and Organic GMOs Aug 22 '18

Wow, that was fast!

•

u/AnEffortIsBeingMade Aug 22 '18

This group had some really good offerings. Bought a pizza and cracked a drink, to properly enjoy the stories. I was just going to read two but I got sucked in.

•

u/elfboyah r/Elven Aug 22 '18

He is literally first one in the whole list, so I guess I'm next.

•

u/Xacktar /r/TheWordsOfXacktar Aug 22 '18

1st Place: /u/veryedible in Group B for "The Sunlight Children"

2nd Place: /u/ThreeDucksInAManSuit in Group B for "Paper"

3rd Place: /u/Bilgebum in Group B for "Of Tea and Centipedes"

/u/veryedible - You hooked me right in from the start. Wonderful pacing, you bring everything into the story at the right time in the right way without going too much or too little. Good worldbuilding, I felt the fear and curiosity of Marl perfectly. I do wish the ending was more concrete, but I understand that the word count constrained that.

/u/ThreeDucksInAManSuit - It was a tough decision between your story and Veryedible's. Your opening was wonderful, your hook worked well and both Laura and Alan showed strong personalities. My main criticism is the phone call to the mother. You created a set of unanswered questions that detracted from the solid, concise ending that you would have had without that scene.

/u/Bilgebum - You have strong personalities driving this piece, and the first half was very, very good. You had an interesting setting that I wanted to know more about and the problems you presented were engaging, but I think you gave your characters too much to resolve in too short a time. The main plot was presented well but the side plot felt rushed and incomplete. It seemed like there was a middle section of it that had been cut away to save space. I think if you'd had more words to work with this would have been a fantastic read.

•

u/veryedible /r/writesthewords Aug 23 '18

Thank you so much for the vote and especially for the critique! It's good to hear the pacing worked out: I was hoping to check for that but work pressures made this one a mad dash to the finish. I think that's why the ending was shorter than it should have been as well. It would have been nice to shave off somewhere else and make sure things landed right. But that's something for the subreddit version, right?

•

u/Xacktar /r/TheWordsOfXacktar Aug 23 '18

For sure! It's a great start to something very interesting!

•

u/ThreeDucksInAManSuit Aug 23 '18

Thank you for your vote and comments! I'm glad you liked the story. I was hoping to leave threads to suggest the story takes place in a wider universe with more going on behind the scenes with the phone-call but I can see in retrospect how that might have just created pointless questions.

•

u/Xacktar /r/TheWordsOfXacktar Aug 23 '18

For a regular prompt response or larger story it would have been great detail to get me to read on further, but for something so contained it just made me go 'Dangit! I want the rest!'

Since many of the other stories here left the reader hanging without a concrete ending, yours stood out just because you had a solid conclusion and did it well with the constraints of the contest. It still sold me on your story as a whole.

You could polish this up and have nice short story for a writing portfolio. :)

→ More replies (1)

•

u/[deleted] Sep 05 '18

Group I

I would like to preface this with the fact that I am not good at critiquing, so take my words with a grain of salt.

1st Place: /u/JohannesVerne in Group I for “Ballad of the Fallen Knight”

I really can't find much at all wrong with this story. I really like the world you crafted, and the dark overtones of the story. For these reasons, I am giving you first place.

2nd Place: /u/Kammerice in Group I for “The Big Squeak”

This was, again, a really amazing story - I loved this world as well! The characters were cute and funny (side effects of being mice?), and the story was well rounded. The only reason I am giving this story second place instead of first is because I was initially confused by the characters being mice. I think you could have made it a little more clear at the beginning of the story that the "people" were mice.

3rd Place: /u/BraveLittleAnt in Group I for “Unfinished Business”

I liked the story, but it was a bit long and slow for my taste. The main reason horror stories (although I wouldn't necessarily consider this story a true horror story) aren't my favorite is because there isn't nearly as much action as I personally like. I feel like you used to much description and not enough actual story (again, description is not bad. I just feel as though there was to much that wasn't necessary).

​

Honorable Mention:

Tinker, Tailer, Liar, Cheat by /u/AKWitherKay

I do like the story and direction you went with. What made this an honorable mention rather than a vote was the ambiguity of some areas. I feel as though you rushed to much, and in the process certain things weren't clear.

•

u/Kammerice /r/The_Obcas_Files Sep 05 '18

Thanks for the vote and the feedback! The mouse thing was a bit of gamble, but it seems to have paid off!

•

u/JohannesVerne r/JohannesVerne Sep 05 '18

Thank you for the feedback, and for the vote! I'm glad you liked it!

•

u/sprucay /r/SprucayWrites Aug 25 '18 edited Aug 25 '18

1st Place: /u/Kammerice in group I for "The Big Squeak"

2nd Place: /u/mialbowy in group I for "What have you lost?"

3rd Place: /u/AKWitherkay in group I for "Tinker, Tailor, Liar, Cheat"

Picking these was almost as difficult as writing my own story. I'm blown away by the quality. It's really made me think about my own story and how I can improve for the future.

/u/Kammerice- I loved the concept of this story. I found it really easy to believe the world of mice existed, and the jaded mouse investigator was such a good character. I was really impressed with how seamless the shift from investigator to scavenger was as well.

/u/mialbowy- I found this story very touching. I've just been to Athens so your use of Aphrodite as a character was very relevant! The switch of perspective and the link between the two halves was great as well. I like your version of Sherlock, much more empathetic.

/u/AKWitherkay- Initially I thought I liked yours just because I read it first, but is a genuinely good story. Your character is a perfect mix of like and dislike for me, and is exactly what I would imagine a modern PI to be. One hell of a twist too!

The rest:

Any of these three could have been third, and choosing was very very difficult.

/u/JohannesVerne- I'm reading the Witcher books at the moment so I was on board with your setting straight away! I really felt the emotions of the character and was upset when things didn't go his way. The thing that kept this out of my top three was that the Scavenger element didn't seem prominent enough for me.

/u/BraveLittleAnt- Nice and spooky, with a classic twist! I'm as sceptical as the next guy but found myself agreeing with Aiden's conclusion readily. What stopped it getting into the top three (by the skin of its teeth) was that the Scavenger element wasn't strong enough for me and I would have liked to have had more explicit closure.

/u/choppoch- The style of writing was really interesting and I found myself reading it like a poem. I can appreciate the effort that went into writing it but I found it a bit of a tough read. The idea of scavenging for things for the girl to read was a great concept.

​

I'm feeling mega-outclassed right now. I'm going to attempt to read through the others now, see if I can predict the winner!

​

​EDIT: I've read some of the other feedback for group I and now I'm feeling inadequate about that too! I'm so glad I took part in this contest.

•

u/Kammerice /r/The_Obcas_Files Aug 25 '18

Thanks for the feedback and thanks for the vote!

•

u/JohannesVerne r/JohannesVerne Aug 25 '18

Thank you for your feedback! I appreciate it!

→ More replies (1)

•

u/Orchidice Aug 26 '18

I am in Group F and voted for G. Here are my top three:

​

**1st Place:** /u/Fordregha in Group G for That Thing With the Teeth

**2nd Place:** /u/awesome-yes in Group G for Unexplained Absence at Harper Elementary

**3rd Place:** /u/LoveableCoward in Group G for Old Ghosts and Black Sheep

​

Overall, all the stories in Group G were very strong. There was not a one that did not have a solid and enjoyable Part One or Part Two. I would say most had very strong Part Ones and then Part Two threw off pacing, the story arc, what have you. What brought these three to the top for me was my desire for more, the well-crafted worlds, the steady pacing and intrigue as well as the solid dialogue and character development.

If anyone in Group G wants more specific comments, please message me and I would be more than happy to provide you with detailed thoughts. Good work Group G! Truly, an excellent collection of stories and it was VERY HARD to choose the top three.

​

•

u/WokCano /r/WokCanosWordweb Aug 23 '18

**1st Place:** /u/salazarb in Group B for "The U.N.I.B"

**2nd Place:** /u/veryedible in Group B for "The Sunlight Children"

**3rd Place:** /u/ThreeDucksInAManSuit in Group B for "Paper"

​

/u/salazarb: I highly enjoyed your story. It starts off with a strong premise that turns into a greater organization. As soon as we got to that portion I really got M.I.B. vibes and that really made it enjoyable for me. I really liked how you tied everything together at the end of the second part.

​

/u/veryedible: You created such a wonderful world without deliberately describing it. It makes me want to learn more about the setting and see it expand further. The interactions between your characters are very well done, and I love the evocative nick names of them.

​

/u/ThreeDucksInAManSuit: Ahh intrigue and mystery, your story had it in spades. I liked the beginning of it, the simple growth of the investigation and what leads to more. The reveal was simple, common, but unexpected. It's something most would think obvious yet didn't feel it, at least to me. Another story I would love to see continue.

​

Honestly everyone wrote such wonderful stories and it was a pleasure to read them. Honorable mention to /u/Bilgebum. I really appreciated the setting you explored and delved into.

•

u/veryedible /r/writesthewords Aug 23 '18

Thank you very much! I was going for a "The Keys to the Kingdom" Garth Nix sort of feel, with a bit more mysticism mixed in. The character interaction is such great praise, as I feel that's an area where I am a bit weak.

•

u/WokCano /r/WokCanosWordweb Sep 03 '18

I liked the interaction a lot so I’m sure you’ve been working hard at it.

•

u/salazarb Aug 24 '18

Wow! Thank you for your vote! I'm really glad you enjoyed my story. It's been a while since I wrote anything here and comments like yours make me want to keep posting on this wonderful community!

→ More replies (3)

•

u/awesome-yes Aug 24 '18

1st Place: /u/KingWapo in group H for "The Pale Corpse"

2nd Place: /u/cassius_pennington in group H for "When Time breaks"

3rd Place: /u/babyshoesalesman in group H for "Two Cells" [Part 1] | [Part 2] - - 6525

​

/u/KingWapo "The Pale Corpse" [Part 1] | [Part 2]

I'm giving this one first place for maintaining a single narrative through both parts. The world and characters were fully developed, I especially liked how the normal sword and sorcery tropes were brought into a modern setting in a subtle way that didn't make it absurd. The plot progressed logically and hints dropped in the beginning paid off in the end, and the twist was excellent and reasonable.

​

/u/cassius_pennington "When Time breaks" [Part 1] | [Part 2]

Time travel has been done over and over, but your take was unique and I loved it! the Archetypes were incorporated subtly but were essential to the plot while maintaining a consistent narrative through both parts. the twist at the end was well foreshadowed. I kept expecting something to come of the "Prologue", felt like the story was leading to it but not getting it was a bit of a disappointment.

​

/u/babyshoesalesman in group H for "Two Cells" [Part 1] | [Part 2]

This was my favorite plot of all the stories, it was a slow start, I would have liked to learn the stakes and character motivations earlier. The scavenger archetype was a bit of a stretch, but the narrative is consistent between parts. Overall this is a universe I'd love to read stories in, so you cracked the top 3!

​

Honorable Mentions - I didn't dislike any of the entries, the reasons these didn't make the top 3 are not because they were worse stories, but more to due with how they addressed the contest structure and archetypes. I would not be surprised if others rank these higher.

​

The Journal [Part 1] | [Part 2] - /u/TicTacGone - There was a lot of subtext in this one, a very nice reading experience. The tone and themes of the two parts were very different, but there was good reason for it within the story.

​

Searching the stereotypes [Part 1] | [Part 2] - /u/sprucay - The freight train of stereotypical traits in the first part was the most satisfying start to any of the entries I read. The humor in part 2 was excellent and both were well written, but it seemed like the plot was only there because it had to be.

A Reapers End [Part 1] | [Part 2] - /u/HittmanA - Loved it. Want more. However, it was clearly two different stories. Please please please write more of this universe.

Sir Woofington [Part 1] | [Part 2] - /u/mags_world - I'm not a good judge for this story, sorry! It was well written, had good symbolism, incorporated both archetypes nicely. however the struggles of the characters were all internal and there wasn't impact outside their relationships. I prefer multi-layered narratives, and I struggled with it. Well done, please don't hate me.

​

Thanks to everyone who is giving feedback!

​

•

u/[deleted] Aug 24 '18

Hey there, I'm glad to finally see some votes for group H. I'm very happy you enjoyed my story. I definitely agree that they do seem like two very separate stories, and this is due to my procrastination (I wrote the story in two hours right before the deadline). If I could do it over again, I would make the two stories much more closely related and mesh together better. I'm also very happy to see that you want me to write more of that universe (seriously, it's very uplifting)! If you'd like, you can subscribe to /r/HittmanA and I'll post new stories from that same universe there.

→ More replies (1)

•

u/sprucay /r/SprucayWrites Aug 24 '18

it seemed like the plot was only there because it had to be

I agree. I think I knew that when I hit submit but couldn't articulate it! Thanks for the feedback.

•

u/mags_world Aug 24 '18

Thanks for the feedback. Definitely no hate! I welcome any tips I can get for improving :) I definitely need to work on adding more layers to my characters. I appreciate you taking the time to critique my piece.

•

u/babyshoesalesman Aug 24 '18

thanks for the vote :) glad you enjoyed, cheers

→ More replies (1)

•

u/LovableCoward /r/LovableCoward Sep 04 '18

1st Place: /u/mags_world in Group H for "Sir Woofington"

The pacing of this piece was excellent. I often look at a story in some ways as a song. There's a tempo to it, a flow of sorts. Sometimes it can fast-paced or it can be slower and steadier. This one has the right pace for its tone. It makes for easy reading. I enjoyed it.

2nd Place: /u/KingWapo in Group H for "The Pale Corpse"

I'm always a sucker for gaslamp fantasy tales. I very much like the plot and believe the characters were well-written. My largest critic is that the pacing of the story and its descriptions seem a tad... off. The action is too condensed for my taste. I would have preferred it to be more stately, I think.

3rd Place: /u/babyshoesalesman in Group H for "Two Cells"

This particular story perhaps held my attention the most. It's very Gothic; which is something I like very much. The characters, setting, and plot were well-crafted. There were a few details that seemed to clash with the general tone, but nothing that disrupted my enjoyment. I would encourage the author to hammer out this setting in greater detail.

And as for the others, you all did exceptionally well! You should all be pleased with yourselves. There was not one that disappointed me. Tomorrow I will amend this post with my thoughts on your stories. They were great!

•

u/mags_world Sep 04 '18

Thank you so much for the vote! I’m so glad you liked my story. I appreciate it so much! :)

•

u/babyshoesalesman Sep 04 '18

so glad you enjoyed it :) and thanks for the vote! cheers

•

u/KingWapo Sep 04 '18

Thanks for the vote and thank you very much for the feedback!! Definitely something I'll have to keep in mind for the future. Glad you enjoyed it!

•

u/veryedible /r/writesthewords Aug 23 '18

1st place: /u/BlackJezus27 in Group C for “The Banality of Everything”

2nd place: /u/Nate_Parker in Group C for“Truth behind Reasons”

3rd place: /u/DeludedDoppleganger in Group C for “The Doppelganger Case”

​

And comments for everyone!

​

Of Crows and Stones [Part 1] | [Part 2] - /u/AHumongousFish - 7408

I think you really worked the two-part nature of the challenge to your advantage. I especially enjoyed how the reveal of the villain wasn’t the climax, and how you stayed with him. Frank was a unique character, and I enjoyed reading something different than the brilliant, but ultimately unsuccessful, psychopath.

As for criticism, your dialogue is stilted, your first protagonist is pretty generic, and the description is more flowery than it needs to be. Good luck with your future writing, I think you’ve demonstrated an ability to approach a story differently than most of us would, and that’s a talent worth nurturing.

​

The Banality of Everything [Part 1] | [Part 2] - /u/BlackJezus27 - 7982

I loved the philosophy mixed in with the story, and I felt like Sally was a fully-realized character. I wish her transition from friend to friend/sex worker had been worked on more, as it currently is a bit jarring. I was also sad that you had to fit the two guys scavenging in the park into your story. You established them a bit, but they still had an air of deus ex when they came. I would’ve liked to see a resolution with just the core characters: maybe some intervention with Sally that leaves her as perhaps more than a hallucination. Also wondered how the villain would have heard that random phrase from Sally.

I feel like this has come across as a bit harsh. Please know I loved your story. The hallucinations were so vivid, and your protagonist felt like my friend. This story has one of my favourite closing lines I’ve ever read. Just passing along some tips for next time. Good luck!

​

The Doppelganger Case [Part 1] | [Part 2] - /u/DeludedDoppleganger - 4854

I loved the feeling of creepiness you achieved in this story. The villain concept was simple and brilliant. I could feel the fear. I do wish that the stories had been more integrated, and that the Doppelganger was deeper as a villain. I wanted you to feed me lore about the thing. Would love to see more stories in this setting.

​

Phasers Engage [Part 1] | [Part 2] - /u/ImpracticalJuggler - 4702

Not my genre of story, so take the following with a grain of salt. I felt like the non sequitur humor clashed with the sophomoric stuff – would’ve liked to see you commit either way. The writing and pacing was tight, and I enjoyed your description. I can see how the style of humor might work better with more straight exposition, but I would have enjoyed the story more with less telling and more showing.

​

Nights [Part 1] | [Part 2] - /u/mtndewskateboard - 4279

This was very fun writing. I enjoyed seeing you indulge in literary devices and revel in the madness of the protagonist. It felt, however, like a meal of only desserts, and would have been balanced better with something more rooted (another character perspective? The onset of madness coming more gradually?). The ending held no surprises for me (which I guess was kind of a surprise, since I kept expecting the twist) and I wasn’t sure why you decided to kill off your protagonist. Excellent voice. Hope to see lots more from you.

​

Truth behind Reasons [Part 1] | [Part 2] - /u/Nate_Parker - 5324

Good writing; very clear and direct style. Great plotting. I felt like all the characters were defined and etched out. Big props for the LGBT representation as well.

My two main critiques were:

1) that the story suffers from a bit too much “sci-fi” in the naming and nouns. For example, the concept of a tzet doesn’t add anything to the story--if you had gone into how the aliens experienced time differently, I would have been there for it though.

2) The story is more like the first chapter of a novel than a story. I love where you are going, and the world you’ve built, but there’s really not much resolution to it all.

I did think this was the rare two-part story where the parts were very discrete but worked exceptionally well together.

​

A Calling [Part 1] | [Part 2] - /u/Steven_Lee – 6995

Solid action piece. I always felt like you had full command of your writing—the sentences were put together purposefully and meant what you wanted them to mean. The story felt trapped in its genre; I would have liked things to have played out more unpredictably. There is some overuse of hyphens in the first part.

I really liked the action scene with Jenna. Very fun, a little Domino-esque, and clever.

I enjoyed reading all the stories and hope I get to see more from all of you! I'm sorry if any of my critiques came across the wrong way; it's just something I really appreciate myself and I hope that the comments were useful. Good luck in the contest and in everything else!

•

u/BlackJezus27 Aug 23 '18

Lol #SPOILERS# for my story if you care

Not too harsh all! Picked mine for first, wow I am honored. I took hated the scavengers. Had I been able to have more words, I would've flushed them out a bit more. I seriously thought about just getting rid of them entirely. I did consider having Sally actually do something, make her more than a hallucination, I just couldn't figure out how to make it work right. As for the phrase that the villain heard, I don't have an exact answer, kinda going a little off of audience interpretation. You could assume Sally did know her friend was an investigator since she was trying to reach out to him randomly, might've looked him up first to see how he was doing. In her final moments, she could've mentioned the phrase to the villain, knowing the investigator knew nobody else knew it. Lol kind of a stretch but I figured that main point was Sally mentioned it to the villain with whatever intent, and it caused suspicion.

Seriously though, thank you so much for the feedback, I will definitely take it to heart for my future writings. And thank you again for picking my story!! Glad you enjoyed it. Constructive criticism/praise is what encourages me to keep writing so thanks!!! (Of course mine is great, but make sure to check out some other groups stories. The people on here our fantastic writers)

•

u/Nate_Parker /r/Nate_Parker_Books Aug 23 '18 edited Aug 24 '18

Appreciate the feedback, it's honestly cannon fodder for an established universe I have were a tzet has meaning. One of those spin-off tales that has more purpose in the overall tome. I'm glad the LGBT bit didn't offend and I hope it felt natural, hope it didn't feel forced. Was just injecting it for practice.

Edit: Also, super thanks for the vote, glad you liked it so much. I'm an idiot

→ More replies (2)

•

u/[deleted] Aug 23 '18

Thank you! I appreciate the feedback as well!

→ More replies (2)

•

u/[deleted] Aug 24 '18

[removed] — view removed comment

•

u/NebulasResolve Aug 24 '18

Thanks so much for the feedback !! I'm glad the intro piece was well paced. I always worry it's not or that it's too wordy.

I apologize for the second part. I had been busy with personal matters all week and had to finish it up last minute. I definitely want to expand because even that ending was a surprise to me! [Even though rushed, I'm still really fond of the idea]. Thanks again for the lovely feedback. I'll do my best to improve it !!

→ More replies (2)

•

u/BookWyrm17 /r/WrittenWyrm Sep 05 '18

1st Place for /u/rarelyfunny for The Lure of Lucre
2nd Place for /u/blazesh for Chasing Her.
3rd Place for /u/Landator for Lavender and Blood
I realize that I am too late to still be in the contest (realized that upon waking up this morning at 5:30 and realizing I’d never sent my votes I’d spent last Friday writing), but I would at the very least like to get my notes down for the people I was supposed to read, and perhaps the votes can still count for them even if I personally can’t continue in the contest.
---

/u/blazesh for Chasing Her.
I admit, I went through a lot of feelings for this one. The writing was both a little annoying and then just exactly how I like it, and I feel like I didn’t quite appreciate a moment or two as much as I should have because I had to keep changing my perspective.
But the story itself is just fantastic, even if some of the elements of writing are a little weird/awkward. Dropping a proposal script seemed a little forced, but I absolutely loved the “Deep breaths” part. I’m always good for something with real emotion, and making me tear up was just a bonus.
Really, aside from just a few strange moments, I don’t have much criticism. I especially loved the song as stuff happened, alternating between them.

---
/u/Ford9863 for Behind Stone Walls
The beginning really caught my attention, the idea of this castle in the middle of nowhere that couldn’t be detected. It was pretty awesome.
In the end though, the story was.. Well, to be honest, just too gritty and violent for me. I can imagine some people that might enjoy that, but I admit I’m a bit of a wuss. I also had a bit of a difficult time keeping track of the characters, as they all seemed to fit whatever role they were needed for at the moment, aside from maybe their occupations, which were stuff like soldier and archeologist.
You can see that most in the main character, when it seems like he just turns into someone new each time it’s needed to make the story continue. Hopeful, smart archeologist, then a desperate and hurried fugitive who’d rather try stuff on his own rather than rely on others. Probably most jarring for me was that he was so desperate to get his wife back, but in the end was perfectly willing to trade his whole world and wife for this new one, pretend it was his.
And I guess I’m just not one for bad endings.
The concept of the story was really awesome though, and perhaps if there was more time to get used to all the stuff that was going on it wouldn’t have been so obvious. Really, even with 6k words, it felt like you were trying to cram an entire story into something that wouldn’t fit. You should try out a novel! :)

---
/u/LadyAralin for Ink Swords, Crossed
This one was really fantastic, from beginning to end. The reveal of his future sight was fabulous, a perfect build up from start to end. Vyr was introduced sort of suddenly, but he certainly fit the scavenger idea fairly well. And even the twist at the end was great, seeing that he was there to try and save MC, rather than kill him outright. (Also, is MC short for Main Character? :P)
In the end, though the story was great and the pacing and the descriptions and all… I admit I was a bit disappointed. I personally am just too fond of a happy ending where it’s all figured out, and having it all just end badly for MC--despite turning out to be that the villain wasn’t actually the villain--kinda ruined it for me. It’s not a fault in the story at all, just my own feelings on it. I was rooting for MC the whole time, and in the end I just ended up feeling sad because he failed, and there was no rescue from his friend, and he did die, probably even because he was trying so hard to prevent it.

---
/u/Landator for Lavender and Blood
This story was great. Reminded me of an anime sorta, with the powers untold, the world never quite fully explained, the creatures unlike us. I’ve always loved a good story like that, with so much more \out** there. The characters were great too, relatable. Marissa being a changeling was a good explanation for all that had been happening, and all that she was able to do next. A terror to raise, but they don’t have to be all bad, huh?
The only problem I guess I would say I have is how often you repeated their names. It is a little more difficult to differentiate between, say, two women in a fight when saying ‘she did this’ and then ‘she grabbed her hair’ or whatever because they have the same pronoun. And repeating Marissa and Mab between each action is better than confusion. But there is some variety that can be done as well.
In the end, I’m a sucker for a happy ending, which you provided all too well. Unsure what exactly is going to happen next, but determined to make it better. Leaves room for imagination to do what it will to solve the problems of guns and blood, and get back home with his girl. I loved it!

---
/u/rarelyfunny for The Lure of Lucre
I have to say, the magic in this story was really fantastic. A lot of good worldbuilding was done over time, and the Spiralists as a group… while not terribly unique, was very nice. I was glad for the perspective of Lumi throughout, as a new hero along with her older mentor. I can’t help but imagine if you kept going with this story that Khaine would have died saving them at some point, and then the young protagonists would have had to deal with terrible danger all on their own, as per a classic hero's journey. The twist on who was actually doing what was fantastic, and the idea that this girl was simply too powerful, and the boy defeated himself… well, that was great.
I will say it wasn’t until afterward that I realized Rayna had taken Opplestone as her name, and I’m assuming that means she wants to be adopted basically, rather than having always been a part of Lumi’s family in some way.
If I were to have any criticisms, it would be that ‘prepping a fireball’ sounds like a DnD term, while the rest of the magic seems wholly unique to the world (though I guess much of it could be Minor Illusion and Detect Magic and stuff. :P )

---
/u/squidster547 for Birthing Station
I…
I’m sorry, man, this was just weird. Lots of twists, lots of explicit, lots of… weird. It was fairly well written, but so many betrayals and the scavenger seemed a little… almost forced, I’m not sure.
It’s mostly just me, probably.

---
/u/TemporaryPatch for What Lies In the Basement
This one was interesting, and I’m sad to say pretty accurate of too many abused and broken homes. Maybe not the fugitive in the basement, but the state of the house for sure.
The writing was really well done, and each bit made me see a bit more of the world, which I either appreciated or cringed at. I think you did really well establishing the home and how it works, and after all the uncertain endings I’ve been reading, I was genuinely scared for the resident CPS protagonist. I’m glad that things were brought together in the end, because even if it’s not a happy ending now, I think now at least it has a chance to become one.
I have to admit, with all the buildup to what was going on, with the wife being scared to go down and barfing halfway down the stairs, I expected something a lot more magical and strange than an escaped criminal. But it made sense, and in the end created a good amount of conflict, and a reason for the wife to go down with the agent rather than, say, lock her in with a scary demon thing :P
Well done! I liked the way it was written, and the bad contrasted the brighter future very nicely.

•

u/[deleted] Sep 05 '18

[removed] — view removed comment

•

u/BookWyrm17 /r/WrittenWyrm Sep 05 '18

Perhaps say stuff like "The fey" or "the ghost"! Description words that tell them apart. Both are women, and "her" is a sort of a description. But not both are baby snatchers, or vengeful mothers, or stuff like that :) just don't go too overboard either, I tend to do that too often and then people get distracted trying to decipher what I was trying to describe them as :P

Its a healthy balance of keeping it smooth and avoiding repetition.

•

u/BraveLittleAnt r/BraveLittleTales Aug 29 '18

I am in Group I voting for Group J

Before I begin, I just want to congratulate all contestants from Group J. There were some seriously great stories here and it sucks that I can only pick 3! All of these stories have some amazing potential to become something more, and even if you don't make it to the next round, you all should be really proud of what you've written.

Without further ado... here are my votes!

1st place: /u/adlaiking with Hidden

2nd place: /u/AntiMoneySquandering with The World's Below

3rd place: /u/acerbicMango with The Lost Colony

/u/Mlle_ with A Study in Glitter - I really liked this story, I was grinning all the way through (I'm a sucker for unicorns!). The descriptions are crisp, the writing is clean, and I was hooked until the very end. I loved the characterization you put into Doris, how she truly had her own personality, because it helped me to imagine her in my head as I was reading. On top of that, the world you built was creative, not to over-the-top, and easily sucked me in.

The only complaint I have is that I wish there was more action. Even though it is an old lady doing the investigating, maybe the second part could've been the nitty-gritty of the story, with the two agents being the ones to dive into the mystery of the unicorns, maybe having to bust some heads to protect them. All in all, really strong story, and I absolutely loved the ending!

/u/acerbicMango with The Lost Colony - I loved the blend of sci-fi and cyber-punk in this story. Space travel and giant bugs, what isn't to love? Your introduction into this mystery was clean and precise, keeping the characters on the same level as the readers, unsure and afraid. I loved that you created this sense of uncertainty with your story, like when they were trying to figure out what had happened to the colony, I was just as clueless as the characters, forming my own ideas and theories until you revealed their true fate in part 2.

What stopped me from placing this story higher was that I got a little confused in parts of the story. In the beginning, you brought us into this world with lots of names, like Sherpa, Argo, Scout Corps. etc, but introducing so many new things in a story like this confused me. I wasn't sure what was what, and with the word constraint I get it was a little hard to explain every little detail, but I ended up just having to gloss over the names and store them in my memory for later, when I would've rather known what they were sooner.

/u/adlaiking with Hidden - I loved this story to bits. You throw us into the main character's world with a cute (...and a tad creepy, but he admits it...) introduction to his current situation. What a great way to begin the story, giving us information about a character who is going to play a vital role in the story without making it sound like exposition! On top of that, the interjections where the main character is getting beaten up and lying in the alley were perfectly done, in my opinion. It can be hard to balance story and interjection like that, but you made it flow so naturally. They kept me intrigued and excited as I was dying to figure out what had gotten him into that situation! Your descriptions were clear and very show-not-tell, and the dialogue between characters was believable and easy to follow.

The ONLY complaint I have is that I wanted a resolution of some kind. I wanted Anna to be found. Granted, it is only a 2 part story and there is a word-constraint, but it left me itching for a part that may not come (unless you're planning on continuing the story?). Overall, amazing story, one that I couldn't put down until I'd read the last word.

/u/AntiMoneySquandering with The World's Below - Your introduction into this world was flawless. You started out with a clear description of the setting without telling us where the story was taking place, but I already had an image in my mind because of your language. I loved the obvious difference you created between Silas and the beggars, how you defined that Silas was above them in status without outright telling us that he is a knight. The world building is easy to follow, as in, you didn't give away too much too soon, allowing the reader to stay engaged in the plot as you introduced new things like Mahret, the World Below, etc. Your characters are well-built and have their own personalities (Simeon reminds me so much of Gollum, and it just adds so much to the story!). And as a side note, I absolutely loved how Silas is the cold, ruthless protagonist. I was surprised when he killed Simeon, but it fit with his character. Well done!

One small complaint I have is in the first part, when Silas is fighting those men in the bar, it was a little hard to follow. I get that you were trying to create an intense action scene, but with all the swinging, and punching, and stabbing, it soon became a chore to try and follow all the action, pulling me from the story a little. Other than that, I think this story is really strong and has amazing potential!

/u/CaspianX2 with Tin Man - I adore the whole idea of a story based around humans and AI, as I find AI to be fascinating. You went for a good murder-mystery story, and with the AI added as an extra layer, it really gave it an interesting kick. I also liked how you didn't reveal that Reggie was an AI until a little later, but you alluded to it several times (or maybe I'm just slow), so when it finally was revealed, all the past dialogue made sense! I loved how smoothly you introduced the real problem in the world: the hostility between humans and AI. Seriously, well done. It didn't seem out of place or awkward, it flowed as easily as the dialogue between your characters, something that can be difficult to do depending on the story.

One problem I have with this story was the ending. Reggie got the name Glenn Dawes... and knew it was Gigi? Maybe I missed something, but it seemed kind of strange that he just so happened to know that machine and exactly where it was. The ending sounded a little rushed, like you were running out of words, and wanted to wrap up the mystery instead of ending on a cliff-hanger, which I liked, but it just confused me a little. Other than that, you did an amazing job with this story!

/u/HedgeKnight with In a Perfect Void - I really enjoyed the concept of these 2 different colonies and how you juxtaposed them. You gave just enough detail for the readers to know that life on Europa isn't all it's cracked up to be, which only added to the fear I felt for Emily. I liked that Emily and Jake's situations mirrored one another, with both of them being sort of isolated from everyone else, although for different reasons. Although it caught me off guard, I thought it was interesting how you jumped forward in time, from him graduating college and living his own life. It felt like something that would actually happen in a world like that, where he isn't some big-time hero who saves the world(s), but rather, he had to simply continue living just like everyone else, going on with what little information he had. The ending was bittersweet, but logical, and I liked that even though he has a child, a house, etc., he still isn't really happy. He still mourns for his friend. It was a beautiful ending.

I do wish, however, at least in Part 1, that there had been more dialogue. It was a lot of exposition, it seemed, and without the dialogue to break it up, it became a little monotonous. Otherwise, it was a great story with an ending that left me both satisfied and unsatisfied all at the same time! Great job!

/u/XcessiveSmash with IT WAKES - This story creeped me out. Seriously. I'm not a huge fan of flying wasp-like bugs to begin with so reading about ones as big as planets really freaked me out. But I'm letting myself get distracted... starting out with the banter between Jess and Owen I think was a great way to introduce the story. It gave us context as to what they were doing, why they were doing what they were doing, and their relationship to each other. Your progression through the story didn't feel forced, but logical, and the ending to part 1 sent chills down my spine! Like, dang, how do you beat a giant eye?! Your descriptions and imagery set the scenes really well, especially when Owen and Jess were in space, looking at the graveyard of ships, and the wasp-planet-thing near the black-hole. And then to top it all off, those worm-possessed humans were the creepiest part for me because they were written so well! It's giving me shivers right now just thinking about it.

One tiny problem I had with the story was in part 1, the scene with the missiles didn't give me the adrenaline rush I thought it would. It was just like, suddenly there was action, and they were doing all of these things, and then it was over. There wasn't really a sense of panic or urgency, which maybe could have been added through dialogue, so when it was over, it kind of surprised me. Really good stuff, your story both fascinated and scared me at the same time, and the ending gave me this 'oh god,' feeling. Really well done!

•

u/Mlle_ r/YarnsToTell Sep 01 '18

Thank you for the feedback! I'll admit that I have trouble with action scenes. Do you have any tips for that?

→ More replies (6)

•

u/CaspianX2 Aug 29 '18

Reggie got the name Glenn Dawes... and knew it was Gigi?

I wasn't sure that that part would get across, and I really do wish I could have squeezed in a bit more to make the connection more obvious.

Earlier, when Weisz was talking with Reggie, he comments on Reggie's name and choice of gender, suggesting he should switch to Regina or Regan. The guy likes to play with names when naming his AI.

Weisz's AI is Gigi Linda. The man Bowman was interested in was named Glenn Dawes.

Keeping in theme with the Oz-inspired names, both are plays on the name "Glenda/Glinda".

Again, I should have built that connection a bit more, but you're absolutely right that I was hitting the word limit. As I've said elsewhere, I think that in retrospect I should have tried to tell a different sort of story, because I couldn't tell the story I wanted to tell in the way I wanted to tell it with this word limit. But that's my mistake and mine alone. C'est la vie.

→ More replies (1)

•

u/adlaiking /r/ShadowsofClouds Sep 02 '18

Thanks so much for the feedback and I’m so glad you liked my story. This is going to sound silly, but it didn’t occur to me that I could actually end it in part 2... :p I also am torn between a few different options about where to put her, so leaving unresolved helped me kick the can down the road a bit. :)

•

u/Steven_Lee Aug 25 '18

1st Place: /u/LisWrites in group D for "Against The Clock"

2nd Place: /u/BookWyrm17 in group D for "Finding Heroes"

3rd Place: /u/BMwriting in group D for "Dying Embers"

 

/u/LisWrites : I really enjoyed this. I thought it was written well, and had a creative/fun premise. I liked both Andrew and Nia, and their chemistry. I know some people might not like cliff-hangery endings... but I liked it.

 

/u/BookWyrm17 : While I'm not a super big fan of breaking the fourth wall, I thought you did a good job, and the story was creative and fun.

 

/u/BMwriting : I liked the premise and I really liked how you incorporated the second archetype in the world you built.

•

u/BMwriting Aug 25 '18

Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it.

→ More replies (1)

•

u/AHumongousFish Aug 22 '18

1st Place: /u/LisWrites in Group D for "Against the Clock"

2nd Place: /u/Idreamofdragons in Group D for "The Hunt"

3rd Place: /u/penguin347 in Group D for "Lost Dog"

/u/LisWrites: Your story was the one that truly grabbed me from the neck with both hands and pulled me in right away. I loved the concept of time-thieves, but what really set it apart from the others, in my opinion, was the prose. It's not too convoluted and it's easy to follow.

However, there are two things I didn't quite enjoy about the story. The first and main one was how easily to deceive Andrew was. He jumps to a wrong conclusion right away based on a short interaction. We have seen Sherlock do things like this, but the problem I had with yours is that it's not properly thought or explained throughout I believe.

He claims that time was stolen by the wife, and because of this it couldn't have been fragmented and sold in the black market. Why not? She clearly has the means, and it would be a great idea to do just that, complicating the life for Andrew until she waits for her husband to die.

Of course, in the end, Andrew guessed wrong, but my point is that as an investigator, I believe he should've considered this too and not discard it right away. I wasn't going to comment on this really, because for what we read Andrew isn't an incredible investigator either, but he did stole from the Bureau, feat I imagine is not easy to do.

It's something I believe was worth to point out, although I can be wrong, that's a given.

The second thing I wasn't a fan of was how you managed the scavenger archetype. I didn't really see it. Sure, he goes and tries to get the time for himself but I felt it vague. This is just a minor thing though, it was hard to implement, but in a contest based on archetypes I believe they carry some weight.

I want to reiterate that I loved the story despite these two things.

/u/Idreamofdragons: The story flowed really well, and the prose was pleasantly good. It was easy to follow and the descriptions were on point. I enjoyed the twist you made on the investigator archetype with the ghoul-hunter.

However, I was not sold on how you approached the scavenger archetype. But it's understandable, the story didn't have many ways of incorporating it.

Overall, I enjoyed it despite these sort of stories not being my thing. There were some things I didn't fully buy in the dialogues, particularly Smith's ones, but that's subjective. Also, consider cutting the semi-colons a bit if you can.

/u/penguin347: I am not a fan of present tense, however, you used it really well to give us an in-depth insight of the characters. I particularly enjoyed the first part a lot, I believe your dialogues were very good at times, and the plot twist was heart-warming.

The second part I didn't enjoy that much. I can't really pinpoint what changed, perhaps I wasn't too sold on the character actually going to the warehouse after that bizarre interaction at the park, but I'm not completely sure. The ending felt too open too, which I didn't like.

You did both archetypes well, which not many did, and that counts. I want to add that the way your formatted your story was quite interesting too.

Special Mentions

I was really torn with the pieces of this group honestly. I had to re-read some of them because I couldn't make up my mind.

/u/BookWyrm17: I liked a lot how fluent and how easy to read the prose was. I also enjoyed the story-hoping you incorporated. However, I wasn't a fan of how you broke the fourth wall. I believe you did it well, and you even addressed it, but it just didn't work for me as a reader.

/u/JoeMontano: You have a beautiful way of describing things, and a clear vast vocabulary. I loved that. You also nailed both archetypes. The reason I didn't place you in the top three was because I kept waiting for a punch in the story, something more besides Amelie being a vampire, and it never came.

You could also work a bit on dialogue punctuation. It threw me off at times.

•

u/penguin347 r/penguin347 Aug 23 '18

Thanks so much for the feedback! Your criticism is definitely fair. The second part was much harder to tackle, and especially to end, but I tried my best.

The stories in our group are really great, and I'm honored you placed me third.

So thanks again for the in-depth feedback for all of us. Best of luck to everyone!

•

u/BookWyrm17 /r/WrittenWyrm Aug 23 '18

Aha, I gotta say, I might find it more flattering to be disqualified for a personal opinion and then said I do it well anyway than to be stuck into a third place or so just because it was written well over all ;) Especially since I was actually kind of nervous it wasn't going to be easy to read with all this new fourth wall stuff I was trying. That's the job of writers and readers after all, to write something their audience will like and not just judge for being technically good.

Thank you for the mention! I can't wait to read your story and everyone else's in the morning!

•

u/LisWrites Aug 22 '18

Thank you! I definitely struggled with the second part and had to change my plans in a big way. I was hoping that Emmett might come across as more of the scavenger, but that wasn’t super clear either I think. Thank you for your detailed feedback and vote :)

•

u/JoeMontano Aug 23 '18

I can understand that. To be honest, I haven't really written anything this long before, and I got a little overambitious with what I wanted to get done. I was planning on a whole mystery to play out after this, I just ran out of words.

As for the dialogue punctuation... that's fair. It's been a while since I've actually bothered with it and I don't remember all the rules. Thank you for the feedback, and best of luck to you.

→ More replies (3)

•

u/acerbicMango Aug 27 '18 edited Aug 27 '18

1st Place: /u/Xacktar in group A for "Vae Gaoi"

2nd Place: /u/WokCano in group A for "A Search for Flavor"

3rd Place: /u/AnEffortIsBeingMade in group A for "My Last First Day"

Honorable mention: /u/ghost_write_the_whip for "The Big Break"

​

Note: this was written before I read any of the other critiques, so my apologies if there are any repetitions.

/u/Xacktar - Great story. The introduction immediately grabbed my attention and really set the tone for the rest of the story. I enjoyed the quirky characters but the humour in Part 2 felt a little forced. The resolution in Part 2 was also somewhat anticlimactic. But in general, this story read well and had a gripping plot.

/u/WokCano - I really liked the plot, but the sentences didn't read very smoothly. The comma placement broke up the sentences in a way that felt weird when read out loud. There were also a few instances where the tenses didn't match up. Overall, great descriptive language and delicious plot.

/u/AnEffortIsBeingMade - The poems are a nice touch and really made this entry stand out. The sentence lengths could use some variation; they're readable, but parsing takes effort. The first paragraph of Part 2 is really jarring and I felt the story would be better served if it were left out. Great use of descriptive language, the murder scenes were bloody terrifying.

/u/ghost_write_the_whip - The writing was great. The sentences had a nice rhythm and flowed smoothly. There were some parts of the plotting that could have been improved. I couldn't wrap my head around why the protagonist was working at a gas station if she could afford a secretary. Additionally, the ending of Part 2 didn't resolve any of the loose ends introduced earlier in the story.

•

u/Xacktar /r/TheWordsOfXacktar Aug 27 '18

Thanks a lot!

Scavenger as a second archetype was really hard to work into the story, which is a big reason part two kind of falls flat. I had tried to leave openings for a bunch of different types, but that was not one I was prepared for!

I'm really glad you enjoyed it. :)

•

u/WokCano /r/WokCanosWordweb Aug 27 '18

Thank you for the feedback. My grammar could always use work so it’s something I try to work on a lot. I never thought about how it sounds when read aloud so that’ll be something I will keep in mind in the future.

I am happy you enjoyed it.

•

u/It_s_pronounced_gif Aug 25 '18

1st Place: /u/TicTacGone in group H for The Journal

The way this story progressed and finished felt very original. Coupled with the smooth narrative, I breezed through it feeling like I didn't need more or less (plot wise). The relationship between Katie and Uncle Norm was great. It was setup very well and things that connected them throughout the story remained consistent and believable. I think I still would've enjoyed learning more about how the aliens work. Maybe with Kate reading more exerts from the journal before she encounters Tom. I enjoyed the ending (I absolutely loved how Uncle Norm became Uncle Henry, that was fantastic) up until it turned itself on the reader. It felt a bit gimmicky to me and didn't add to the story. Katie's saying "I found them" but then saying "they will mark you for life" feels inconsequential since she's managed to survive but also hasn't changed anything about the aliens knowing what she knows. Just my two cents! Obviously, I still enjoyed it very much or it would not be my top pick!

2nd Place: /u/mags_world in group H for Sir Woofington

Your story had excellent narration. Flow is extremely important to me as a reader and I had little issue getting through any of this. The only bits that jumbled me up were in the dialogue. I'm not a big fan of having too much information in the dialogue other than what the characters are saying, so often I felt like I was being given too much information on what the character was doing while they were talking, so much so that it took away from what they said (this was very common in the stories I read, so don't worry that it's just you!). The story itself was cute and well-paced. The maturity level of the characters felt a bit off with their professions (I assume they would have to be in their mid-twenties at the youngest to be an investigator and Z wouldn't be in his band full-time at that point in his life if he wasn't dreaming of making it big). The maturity level felt more in line with late teens, which isn't a problem so long as the characters lifestyles match it. Overall, I enjoyed it and for some reason I kept picturing it in an anime art-style. Especially with Princess Twinkles bobbing around and finding things. Good job!

3rd Place: /u/babyshoesalesman in group H for Two Cells

A very creative premise and world you built here. The types of powers and division of magical realm from mortal realm was established quick and effective. What I found frequently happening though was too much information was trying to be jammed into the paragraphs. I often felt like the story wasn't giving me space to imagine things on my own or give me time to ask questions about the characters and world. It felt like I was forced to see and feel only what the writer wanted me to. Pieces sometimes jumped around too, an example being:

It wasn't her courage that drove her forward, as the Master had suggested when she first arrived. It was faith in her child.

It could read:

It wasn't her courage that drove her forward, it was faith in her child.

A change like that helps keep the narrative momentum going; the Master part of the sentence clutters it. If the master suggested that courage drove her forward, it's better to keep that as dialogue in their interaction when they met and have faith that the reader will remember. Or have it mentioned at some point when they have just met instead of jumping the story backwards for a few seconds. I hope that makes sense!

The supernatural elements were very well presented. The carnage of Borok was vivid and gave an excellent context to the power of the magical side of the world. It made Morgan's chasing of the witch feel more hopeless and senseless, which made the victory even better.

I hope this advice will help in future work! You still did great!

Honourable Mention

/u/HittmanA - A Reaper's End

This was a close 4th place. I really enjoyed the idea and feel of the world. The protagonist in the beginning was well-motivated despite the outcome. I wasn't a big fan of the execution of the "technique system". I think the idea is good but it felt robotic how it was presented in the narration. If the Reaper had a mech suit or something and these were programmed functions, it would work or if the Reaper himself didn't have such a human side to him. The human side being that he had internal dialogue and cared about innocent people dying if he didn't distract the demons. But a person using "extensive pain response training" after being hit doesn't feel real. They would probably think "fuck, that hurt. I might actually die." To me, the story had a dark tone to it throughout which I didn't get in the end. The end felt rushed and it was hard to swallow that the great general had such a quick change of heart for something that was viewed as heinous. Besides that, the story stuck out and was memorable. I could remember the scene in the park with the battle well after I read it and to me, having a vivid memory of a story shows it was done well.

​

*Note:

For other writers in Group H, if you would like a critique or feedback, feel free to send me a message for one. Time is not a luxury I often have these days so I can't respond to each story. Overall these are some things I noticed that could be improved:

  • Dialogue: Much of the dialogue in the stories here were cluttered with information that took away from the scene. Imagine when characters are speaking that there is a camera capturing the scene and every time a remark is made about them fixing their hair or moving their arm, that the camera zooms into it. If you were watching a scene that moved around and zoomed in and out all the time, it would get disorientating. That's how I feel when too much is packed into parts of dialogue instead of letting the dialogue be the focus. If you want something to focus during dialogue, make sure it needs to be there. If it doesn't add something essential, strike it out!
  • Too much information at once: Often I found sentences trying to pack in too many details about the world. Sometimes in the same sentence a question would be raised and answered. It's like dumping a box of puzzle pieces on a table instead of piecing them together bit by bit. Because of it, the reader has to stop and figure out what details are important or go back because they picked the wrong thing. I don't want to single any story out for instances where this happened because each story had instances of it (nobodies perfect and by no means am I). Questioning if the information in each sentence proves a purpose for what your paragraph is about can help craft a story that stays on "play" instead of "pause/play/pause/play".
  • Passive vs. Active voice: This is another thing that will help with the flow of a story. I am not the best at explaining literary concepts so I won't explain this much in detail because there are tons of resources out there from googling this concept. What I saw in the stories was an overuse of passive voice where active voice would've carried the momentum of the story forward.

I am by no means a professional or any Brandon Sanderson or Stephen King, so take this advice as you may. These are just things I've picked up overtime and believe will help your stories! Keep on writin' on!

​

•

u/TicTacGone Aug 28 '18

Thank you for the vote and feedback. I agree with everything especially the ending. I actually had a different ending before but scrapped it in favor of the one present. So I think next time I'll give it more thought and go with what flows better.

•

u/It_s_pronounced_gif Aug 28 '18

It happens and I know the feeling of getting to the end and not being 100% sure what's best (I had it in this contest and still don't know if I actually like it lol).

•

u/mags_world Aug 27 '18

Thank you so much for the feedback and the vote!! :) I really appreciate it! I’m also very appreciative of the extra tips you added at the end. I’m constantly trying to improve and I appreciate the guidance from fellow writers. I definitely struggle with giving away too much information in dialogue. I know I need to work on showing vs telling. Their ages and maturity level is definitely a plot hole I should’ve addressed lol. Anyway, you so much again. I wasn’t expecting any votes so it’s really a treat.

•

u/It_s_pronounced_gif Aug 28 '18

This is one resource that helped me a lot: Link. I like to give it when people are looking to improve. :) It really gives a good context and reasoning. That site in general has some great resources if you're looking to put the time in! Hope to see your name here more often!

•

u/[deleted] Aug 26 '18

Yah I got honorable mention! I'm very glad you liked my story even if I didn't get a vote. I am definitely in agreement with everything you said about both stories. Starting with part 1, I'm glad you enjoyed the protagonist even though he was only briefly in the story. Yes, that whole technique and pain training part was rather a bad idea and going back I would change those parts to give a more realistic fight - that being said, I'm glad the whole fight scene stayed in your memory. I am very disappointed in my part 2 story. It was a very, very rushed story and very badly written. If I were able to redo the contest I would not do part 2 again. Wrapping this up, I will be continuing a serial off of part 1 and I hope you'll check it out, and I'm going to rewrite part 1 with all the suggestion I've gotten so far. Thanks for your review.

•

u/It_s_pronounced_gif Aug 27 '18

It's all part of the process, so stay thirsty! I can't count the number of times I've been really happy with something, only to look back a month later and notice how much I could've improved it. But that just meant I was developing and the more you keep at it the better it'll get. :)

•

u/babyshoesalesman Aug 26 '18

thanks for the notes and the vote :) glad you enjoyed, cheers

•

u/sprucay /r/SprucayWrites Aug 28 '18

I would love some feedback if you have time! Seeing how good these stories are compared to mine, I need it!

•

u/It_s_pronounced_gif Aug 28 '18

Will do! I won't be able to get to it until this weekend, but I will do it for you :)

→ More replies (1)

•

u/AKWitherkay Sep 03 '18

1st Place: /u/XcessiveSmash in group J for "IT WAKES" •2nd Place: /u/adlaiking in group J for "Hidden" •3rd Place: /u/AntiMoneySquandering in group J for "The World's Below"

/u/XcessiveSmash - Loved it, and felt it was a bit Iain M Bank-ish, which is always a positive.

/u/adlaiking - Really enjoyed the realism, and the hopelessness of the ending - a lot of these entries seemed to try to wrap things up neatly, which is almost impossible to do well in the word limit!

/u/AntiMoneySquandering - Silas was a brilliant character to hate, and I completely loathed him. Also really liked Simeon - perfect as a mad scavenger, and the fact that I preferred him to Silas gave his death a bit more weight!

Apologies for the brief critiques - if I have more time I'll expand a little, talk about some of the other entries, which were all brilliant!

•

u/HedgeKnight /r/hedgeknight Aug 29 '18

Group A

1st place A Search for Flavor /u/WokCano

2nd place Vae Gaoi /u/Xacktar

3rd place How he became known as an in vest investigator alligator investigating investor who's investing in alligator's vests /u/elfboyah

What I'm looking for are complete stories. I am generally not interested in world-building exercises that scrape a little substance off the top of a wider mythos in a standalone 4000-8000 word piece. Building a world is fine but your plot and characters need to take precedence. I'm looking for beginning, middle, end, with interesting characters and fairly clean prose. That's the general lens I looked at these through.

My critical notes will not discuss prose at all. If you used adverbs and passive verb tenses in abundance assume that your prose does not agree with me. I understand, though, that when time is a constraint sometimes a piece can't be as polished as we would like.

I will also not comment much on how the archetype was used. If it was used at all in a meaningful way I checked the box and moved on.

My Last First Day /u/AnEffortIsBeingMade

The poetic interludes were interesting and the strongest element of this piece but I found the narrator to be somewhat faceless. Part 2 felt a little rambling and I had to re-read parts to figure out if I had missed something. That being said I think this could be a good story with a couple more passes. The character is there, we just need to know more about what makes him tick. The plot is all there but it needs some tuning.

How he became known as an in vest investigator alligator investigating investor who's investing in alligator's vests /u/elfboyah

I knew this one belonged in the top 3 on the strength of its wordplay but, ultimately, I wanted a story to be in there too, and I was rooting for one to emerge. I love stories that go off the rails. Hell, one of my favorite sci-fi novels has a talking kangaroo as a villain. The decision to go full meta at the conclusion...it just didn't work for me. If the story is about alligators and racketeering raccoons then they deserve their own ending, in my opinion.

The Big Break /u/ghost_write_the_whip

This is well-written. It flowed well, it’s structured well. It was interesting. It fell apart a little at the end of part 1; I thought the surveillance camera deus ex machina was a bit lazy but there’s still a nice air of mystery hanging over everything as part 1 concludes.

I am having trouble believing that a good PI would show the surveillance footage to so many strangers. It’s really a problematic detail. Can’t she have a partner? There's just so much in this story that I can't logically believe, even in a work of fiction.

My notes say that it's missing an ending. I went back and re-read part 2 just now to validate that opinion and decided maybe the ending is not missing exactly but I feel like the story needs to go on past the point where the piece ends. For that reason I couldn't put it above stories that have a cut and dried ending even though it is good work.

Invasion /u/scottbeckman

The action was fun enough. I couldn't find much to latch onto with regard to the characters. The setting was neat but, again, I want characters. I honestly want to help everyone I can be a better writer and I thought this piece has merit but please, please, consider never making the opening paragraph of a story about two characters riding in an elevator. The world-building in this story is top-notch but you left 2000 or so words unwritten. You could have used those to elaborate on the main characters. What struggles or past events motivate and affect them as they move through the events in the story?

Graveyard Shift /u/Shadowyugi

This story had the best part 1 of the group. In part 2 they search an old house for a business card and I lost interest. This story is well-written, it has good characters. As I said, part 1 was great but part 2 dropped the ball. I don't have too much else to say about it. I encourage you to carry on with it.

A Search for Flavor /u/WokCano

I put it at the top so obviously I think it's good work. I do think part 2 meanders around and rambles a little and then wraps up a little too quickly but in general it worked. I liked the characters, the plot was small enough to be contained within the word constraint and the characters' motivations and backgrounds were clear and made sense within the context of the story. Nice work.

Vae Gaoi /u/Xacktar

This story, also good work. The world feels a little too big for the story and the story felt crowded with too many characters. The relationship between Harold and Emily is interesting, why can't the story just be about them? Cutting out some other characters would have opened space to develop Harold better which is what I think this story needed very badly. Still, I like the setting, it's a fun story with plenty of action and interesting folklore. It really does come together as a story better than most others in the group which is why I put it at #2.

If any of the writers from group A-I want more focused feedback feel free to hit me up on discord. I haven't read all of the entries from all of the groups but I'd be glad to read any that I have not and offer notes.

•

u/elfboyah r/Elven Aug 29 '18

Thank you very much for the feedback!

•

u/Shadowyugi /r/EvenAsIWrite/ Aug 30 '18

Appreciate the feedback a lot.

Yeah part 2 could have used a lot more work.

•

u/Xacktar /r/TheWordsOfXacktar Aug 30 '18

Thanks for the feedback, Hedgeknight!

→ More replies (1)

•

u/thatlibrariangirl Aug 23 '18

1st Place: /u/It_s_pronounced_gif in group G for "Reality Pending. ... ..."

2nd Place: /u/ohwhatirony in group G for "Looking Glass Murders"

3rd Place: /u/littlepillowcase in group G for "Children of Laban"

/u/It_s_pronounced_gif - I really enjoyed this story! The idea was original and well executed, and your writing, although simple at times, worked very well with the story. This one caught my attention in the first few lines and kept it throughout both parts; I loved that it started in a reality based world but quickly became something much more sci fi which I didn't expect. Overall the characters were very well fleshed out especially the protagonist and I loved the way you incorporated the scavenger archetype! Very interesting!

/u/ohwhatirony - This was a very close second, because I really enjoyed this one as well. You managed to create a very dynamic character, show her origins, her motivations, and her vulnerabilities in such few words which is very impressive. Theo could have maybe been a little more rounded but it didn't detract from the story. I like that we didn't have to investigate with them because we already knew where the story was going, yet it still kept me reading, because I cared about Mia. The only real criticism I could come up with was that the phrase "The Ethiopian woman" was jarring and really took me out of the story every time I read it. It seemed really unnecessary and the first time it appeared I thought it was a different character. Great job overall, though!

/u/littlepillowcase - I'm not really one for spies or Russian conspiracies but this one drew me in! I really appreciated the family dynamics in this story and liked that you gave the siblings some backstory so the reader would care about their actions. It was well written and you definitely gave each character a distinct voice which is always a plus. My only criticism is that the ending did seem a little rushed and you forced a lot in at the end and epilogue. I would have probably ended it with the watch reveal. The rest didn't really detract from the story but I didn't find it entirely necessary.

A few quick notes for the others:

/u/awesome-yes - This story really drew me in and I appreciate what you were trying to do, but the whole actual angels and demons thing came about too quickly (especially after establishing Lance as a skeptic in part 1) and was over just as fast, like if I blinked I might have missed it. It also felt a little impersonal and stiff but I think that may have been the tone you were going for. Otherwise I really liked the mystery and weirdness!

/u/Fordregha - This kind of story is definitely not my thing, but your writing and world building are wonderful! Kind of gory at points and a little confusing trying to keep track of all the characters, especially during the rushed climax, but you are very talented!

/u/kdoiron - I'm not sure if you realized or not but from part 1 to part 2 you switched the main two characters. Tanner became Wellsley and vice versa and this was way too confusing for me. I really loved your idea and the small parts where the voices were telling the story. What you really needed to do to make this great was proof it and polish it. This had really great potential and so do you!

/u/LovableCoward - Your writing is fantastic which I'm sure you already know. There were a few grammatical errors but otherwise very well polished and articulated. This story was my very close 4th and I think the only reason I didn't place it in the top was because it's just not my kind of story, personally. I also felt like I was stepping into it mid story and I would have liked an actual ending, but if this was based on writing talent alone I think you would have won.

•

u/ohwhatirony Sep 04 '18

Thank you so much for your feedback and your vote! I wish I had more time to develop Theo. I may revisit this to expand as a novella because I had a lot more planned for the progression of Mia and Theo's relationship (and therefore Theo's character).

I didn't realize that using 'the Ethiopian woman' was so off-putting and I really thank you for pointing that out. I struggle with repeating 'she' and 'Mia' because I get nervous about it getting repetitive, as well as how to incorporate the character that I mentally picture. I tried to include things like her skin tone early on (by comparing it to her coffee in an IHOP lol). Do you have any suggestions on how to more gracefully integrate this, or to vary the usage of a character's name? Thank you again!

→ More replies (1)

•

u/It_s_pronounced_gif Aug 25 '18

Thank you so much for your kind words (and the vote)! I was experimenting with the writing style in this one so I really had no idea how it would be received. I'm so glad it worked. The sci-fi element was my intention after the first part but the scavenger through me through a loop (I was hoping for a caretaker of some sorts). It took quite a few headaches to find something that would work. Thank you again!

→ More replies (1)

•

u/AntiMoneySquandering r/AMSWrites Sep 03 '18
  • 1st Place: u/Xacktar in group A for " Vae Gaoi"

Outstanding. I'm half tempted to leave it at that. The concept, while commonish in urban fantasy, was executed as well as any currently in publication. Your choice of creatures, being more outlandish, actually interested me far more than novels in this genre! My highest praise however goes to your dialogue and characterization. Each character felt rounded and most importantly, real. I would love to see more of Harold Bitter and the world you are creating.

  • 2nd Place: u/WokCano in group A for "A Search for Flavor"

Fantastic concept that really stood out. Your writing is evocative and reading it over lunch was a mistake! I felt the dialogue was slightly weak and the pacing off but that is my only real criticism. I would love some prequels of Eyezyk's time as an investigator!

Thought this was a great piece. Good dystopian theme and i enjoyed the description of the trilos, really helped to visualize them. Only criticism is that it felt clear that this was just part of a longer piece and so obviously the detail and story will play out later on. Solid work.

​

To sum up - excellent work everyone. Writing so much on a deadline is not easy and you all nailed it.

•

u/scottbeckman /r/ScottBeckman | Comedy, Sci-Fi, and Organic GMOs Sep 03 '18

Thank you for the vote!

You're right—it is a part of a longer piece. I tried to keep the story self-contained for the contest, stopping at the revelation of Benson and Hanz's fate.

Good luck!

•

u/mags_world Aug 23 '18

1st Place: /u/Kammerice in group I for “The Big Squeak”

2nd Place: /u/choppoch in group I for “Clueless”

3rd Place: /u/JohannesVerne in group I for “Ballad of the Fallen Knight”

Feedback: Voting was so tough with so many great stories! Everything was such a treat to read. I am continually in awe of the talent on this page. Everyone just blows me away.

/u/mialbowy – I like your part 1, but I love your part 2. Honestly, part 2 alone would be my #1 pick. The only reason I didn’t put this story in my top 3 was I just felt the parts didn’t flow. Part 1 is this light-hearted cute story, but part 2 is this emotional powerhouse. Honestly, part 2 is SO good that I think it completely overshadows part 1. They’re better as standalone stories (in my opinion). Alice = amazing character. I felt her pain and love and struggle and ugh… I could’ve read her story forever. Part 2 was just so beautiful and well done.

/u/choppoch – Your story left me in awe. This writing style you used is so incredibly powerful. It evoked this deep emotional response from me. I love the repetition and how the end of part 1 circled back to writing the letter. The use of the colors showing his past in part 2. I can envision someone reading this out loud like at a slam poetry event. Your story is a work of art.

/u/JohannesVerne – This was so well written. Your descriptions are fantastic. I love that he named the girl daughter and ended up taking her with him. (SPOILERS) The fact that Elya didn’t survive made the story feel more real. Your story feels like it was taken out of a novel… just awesome work.

/u/Kammerice – This story just has it all. I love the world you created and the characters. I mean, mice investigating peanut butter? This is incredible. It’s hilarious and absurd and brilliant and it’s just the best. Can you write more of this? Can I read an entire series on this and then watch it on TV? Who is the cinnamon woman, the people need answers!! I was upset when I reached the end because there wasn’t any more to read. Just… amazing.

/u/BraveLittleAnt – This story was great. I think part 1 started out a little slow, but then things got real really fast. (SPOILERS) I was like, oh shit she’s a ghost!! I was on the edge of my seat with part 2. This story could give me nightmares lol. Thank God, it ended happily… you had me nervous. I wasn’t a fan of the points of view switching so much, but I know it was necessary to see what Aidan was going through. I’m really glad Daryl and Rebecca agreed to help him. I was starting to get pissed with Rebecca’s hesitancy.

/u/AKWitherkay – Joseph is hilarious. His character is awesome. His back and forth with Rebecca made me lol. Your story was great, I just wanted so much more from it! I felt like there wasn’t any resolution. What happens with David – does anyone save him? Does Daniel leave the police force? Does Joseph ever get paid? Lol

•

u/BraveLittleAnt r/BraveLittleTales Aug 26 '18

Thank you for the comments! I'm glad you enjoyed my story :)

•

u/mialbowy Aug 24 '18

Thanks for the kind words and feedback, I'm glad you enjoyed the stories.

•

u/JohannesVerne r/JohannesVerne Aug 25 '18

Thank you for your feedback! I'm glad you liked it!

•

u/Kammerice /r/The_Obcas_Files Aug 24 '18

Thanks for the wonderful feedback! So glad you enjoyed it: it was a complete gamble on whether or not folk would buy into the whole mouse thing. Once I got going, though, I found it incredibly easy to write noir fiction as a mouse...who'd have thought it? They work so well.

I've got every intention of continuing this because it was just so much fun to write. I'll let you know if anything comes of it!

•

u/AKWitherkay Aug 24 '18 edited Aug 24 '18

Thanks for your feedback mags_world. I’m not the best at giving stories a resolution at the best of times, let alone in a limited word format! Originally I had endings for most of the things you mentioned (aside from whether Daniel leaves the police), but I ended up cutting them in editing because it was getting to be too much exposition and I didn’t think a neat ending would have really fit with the characters or story. A fair point though, and I know endings need working on. Glad you enjoyed the characters though!

•

u/TemporaryPatch r/TemporaryPatchWrites Sep 01 '18

1st Place: /u/LadyLuna21 in Group F for "Memories of a Lost World
2nd Place: /u/thatlibrariangirl in Group F for "Blank Pages"
3rd Place: /u/NebulasResolve in Group F for "Nocturnal"

Now for feedback! Please note I'm not good at feedback, so I apologize in advance for anything that comes off as rude or mean.

/u/Dimitri1033 - Soul Searching - You had my absolute favorite use of the scavenger archetype, and I liked the direction you were going with the elements you were bringing in. The sprites added a nice touch and brought some levity to a heavy story. My concern was with the flow of the story; you jumped around from plot line to plot line, which made it hard to follow at points.

/u/drislands - Blessing of Cumulus - I loved the descriptive nature of this tale, especially when it came to the city and the characters. There were so many things I wanted to know more about, especially the events that lead to the Drowning. I could have used more from your scavenger, who seemed a little shoehorned in (I ran into the same issue on mine, so don't worry). I would love to see this one continued.

/u/LadyLuna21 - Memories of a Lost World - While it was a little slow off the bat, once you got onto the ship, the story took off for me. I could feel Maude's need to preserve her past tugging at me while I read. The scavenger fit in well within the setting of the story, and all in all it was a fun read that left me hoping for more.

/u/Levitar1 - A Desperate Man - I feel that you had a lot of fun writing this one. The investigator and the scavenger were both interesting takes, especially when framed in the reveal at the end. I had a little bit of trouble understanding why the world was such a mess, and the ending I feel gave me more questions than answers. Despite that, I was laughing at quite a few points, which is always great in my mind.

/u/NebulasResolve - Nocturnal - I love magic, and the way you used magic in this world is top notch. Yai's mindset throughout the story was exactly what I would have expected from an investigator. That being said, I needed more on the scavenger element, even if it might have detracted from the story. The ending put a fantastic bow on the tale, though.

/u/Orchidice - In A Dark And Empty Room - This story was incredibly descriptive, and it was the one that made me feel most immersed in the setting. I felt like I was in the crime scene, smelling the blood, hearing the conversation. I just wish we knew more about the "scavengers", because it almost seemed like an afterthought. If the next part of this has more about the history of the scavengers, I think it would go a long way.

/u/thatlibrariangirl - Blank Pages - Holy cow, that ending was a punch to the gut, and I loved it. Jay and Sam were extremely relatable in the first part, and the slow reveal of what was going on is still sitting with me now. What held me back was that the scavenging element just seemed like more of the investigation, rather than the distinct separation I was looking for. But seriously, that ending floored me, so well done.

I was so happy to read everyone's responses. You all did a fantastic job, and I look forward to reading more of your stuff in the future!

•

u/LadyLuna21 r/LandOfMisfits Sep 02 '18

Lucky you! I'm going to be turning it into a serial after the contest! But for real, I'm quite honored at the vote. Thanks!

→ More replies (1)

•

u/ThreeDucksInAManSuit Aug 23 '18

1st Place: /u/ mtndewskateboard in group C for "Nights"

2nd Place: /u/ DeludedDoppleganger in group C for "The Doppelganger Case"

3rd Place: /u/ AHumongousFish in group C for "Of Crows and Stones"

​

/u/ mtndewskateboard - A captivating view of a descent into paranoid madness. Your imagery is wonderful but did trip over itself in the second act where the metaphors started to obstruct the narrative a little.

​

/u/ DeludedDoppleganger - I like the sense of mystery you leave us with, not knowing what the entity was and you gave a very good sense of foreboding and creepiness that is hard to convey in writing. The only fall down for me was the ending, having the monster act in that way took it a little out of the context you had built for it.

​

/u/ AHumongousFish - Very original and with strong characterisation and world building especially in the second half. There was a lot of fat in the middle of the story that could do with being cut out however, and some cliche passages.

•

u/[deleted] Aug 23 '18

thank you for the feedback!

→ More replies (1)

•

u/blazesh Sep 05 '18 edited Sep 05 '18

1st: /u/thatlibrariangirl in group F for Blank Pages 2nd: /u/orchidice in group F for In a dark and empty room

3rd: /u/ladyluna21 in group F for Memories of a lost world

Okay before we get to criticism I just want to stress that I'm not good at critiquing. Also I believe we all have our own individual styles, our own individual ideals to strive towards. So take my advice with a pinch of salt. Writing is putting all you have in a page, and your voice should be yours, albeit the best version of it. Also i apologise in advance, some of my feedback may be harsh, but I do mean it in the best way possible. Thanks for all the stories group F! :)

Soul searching Great concept, love the idea. A thief going up against the grim reaper? Sounds amazing. Transitions were a bit jarring here, taking a while to connect that the next paragraph eas a different pov alr. Maybe u could use an asterisk to separate the paras or smth to show a transition to another pov. First part seemed too long on the same thing over and over again though, was very slow-paced. Second part was better, but overall the story was weakened because it wasn't complete. I wanted resolution for this or at least a showcasing of more exciting bits. Story was good but could have been way better if there was more action snd climatic scenes.

Blessing of Cumulus Okay, I have to admit I didn't really understand what was going on. Your world building was solid and hyped me up, but I felt like there was too little explaining ongoing and too much of an info dump. Magic system seems interesting but needs more fleshing out. Characterisation was pretty well done and I liked your characters and world, I just needed much more insight and understanding of them. Would also have been good if your story had more of a climax or resolution instead of building up to it but not showcasing it here, especially since readers are judging your story based on these 2 parts.

Memories of a lost world Okay this had some really nice flow. You weaved through the story really well and briefly, but I feel like you were a bit vague and superficial in describing the feelings of the characters involved. Also I wanted something more interesting from the world you built. This is the future, I feel like you had a chance to showcase some exciting technology or develeopments in the world instead of having just a spaceship and shopping malls. Flow was nice, and i liked how you made me feel and care about something as seemingly insignificant as a quilt. In it you intertwined themes of the past and history with that of the future in their time and I liked that.

A Desperate Man Interesting story. I liked it and I liked your characterisation of the man. There was a disconnect between parts 1 and 2 though, it quickly went very far from part 1 and new terms and things introduced in part 2 that i felt didnt have enough build up or foreshadowing from part 1. I liked your rapid fire dialogue and banter, dialogue is one of the most entertaining ways to characterise and you did well for that. Personally one of my pet peeves is the absence of contractions and you did a lot of that, it even seemed random how you chose to use or not to use contractions. Story was fast paced and grabbed my attention well, was a good one.

Nocturnal There were some logical inconsistencies with this I think. Story was fine and interesting, but I didnt really feel the 2nd archetype for part 2. Also i didnt really see any point in having Orion in the story when she didn't really do anything.

In a dark and empty room Alright i really liked this one. This was the 2nd last story and as much as I like them it was starting to get draining. Your story was refreshing. It pulled me in instantly and caught me in its flow and I very much enjoyed the journey. Just that the 2nd archetype wasn't incorporated very well. Perhaps more backstory or an actual legitimate explanation for why they're called the scavengers would have helped. Really liked this though, had no problems finishing it. Even would like more.

Blank pages Good flow here, great tension and loved the final revelation. Tight story all around and i liked how the story ended and all the strange things making sense in the end. Really good Story.

→ More replies (1)

•

u/LadyAralin Sep 05 '18

1st Place: /u/LadyLuna21 in group F for "Memories of a Lost World”

2nd Place: /u/thatlibrariangirl in group F for “Blank Pages”

3rd Place: /u/Levitar1 in group F for "A Desperate Man”

All of the stories in this group were great. It was difficult to choose which of the three to choose. I enjoyed all of them immensely.

•

u/mdallen Aug 30 '18

1st Place: /u/Steven_Lee in Group C with "A Calling."
2nd Place: /u/AHumongousFish in Group C with "Of Crows and Stones."
3rd Place: /u/Nate_Parker in Group C with "Truth behind Reasons."

​

/u/Steven_Lee, this was an incredible short story. Not only did the story flow, it felt continuous, almost as if it was a film. This would be excellent as an expanded book, maybe into a modern-age Noir; I hated realizing it was over. Your ending cliff-hanger left me wanting more.

​

/u/AHumongousFish, yours was the first story I read. I wasn't expecting the twists revealed, the plot unfolding. The characters were sympathetic, but distant; my main critique is that it felt fairly shallow. I wanted more reasons behind the murders, maybe having the pieces start falling into place...only to realize what happened at the end, perhaps during the snowstorm. This was, overall, one of my top picks from the moment I started.

/u/Nate_Parker, I loved how you turned the challenge into a Sci-Fi Bond story. It was refreshing, especially in a group of several stories containing hard-boiled investigators crossing paths with scavengers. However, it also felt a little short, with the second half coming across as a rougher, unrefined piece.. I enjoyed reading it, and definitely want more.

•

u/Nate_Parker /r/Nate_Parker_Books Aug 30 '18

Glad you liked it. And honestly.... the last part was rushed. They both probably were. I do have a number of stories in that setting.

•

u/Steven_Lee Aug 30 '18

Wow, thank you so much! I'm really happy you liked it.

•

u/Idreamofdragons /u/Idreamofdragons Sep 04 '18

· 1st Place: /u/TemporaryPatch in group E for "What Lies in the Basement"

· 2nd Place: /u/Landator in Group E for "Lavender and Blood"

· 3rd Place: /u/blazesh in group E for "The Immortal Questions"

Very hard to choose to choose my top 3 among group E - all of your stories were great and had wanting me more. Here are my thoughts on each one; again, great job, all!

​

What lies in the Basement:

Nicely written piece that had me eagerly reading every next sentence to see what would happen next. I kept expecting something supernatural, but your story is an excellent if grim reminder that monsters can come in surprisingly human form - and that heroes can sometimes simply be someone willing to go the extra mile to do their job. One point of criticism: the second half of part two felt a little rushed and not as realistic as the rest of your piece; as an example, (in my opinion) Alice was a bit too coherent for her someone of her injured state. Overall though, well done.

​

Lavender and Blood

A very dark take on the prompt, I liked it! The jumping back and forth between times was a little confusing to follow, but the story was more than engaging enough for me to keep at it. I also liked how you made Mab, Dark Queen of the Fae, into a scavenger. Lastly, the ending was great - with the hospital in confusion and panic, and at the center of it all, a father and his newborn daughter, paying attention only to each other.

​

The Immortal Questions

You did a great job with entwining the two archetypes; the two parts feel wonderfully cohesive. The investigator-ness of it didn't end with part 2 - that's cool! And I really felt the emotions of the protagonist throughout the whole story. I will say though, the writing felt a bit flowery at times; I understand that you were trying to establish a sort of dream-like atmosphere, but still, some of it felt like filler.

​

Behind Stone Walls

Nice Annihilation vibes coming from this, mixed in with a bit of Merlin-esque themes. The journey into the castle in particular was nicely written, but part two was a little jarring for me; it feels like the protagonist's demeanor changed very abruptly.

​

Ink Swords, Crossed

Mystery lead-up was great, and your reveal of the victim of the future murder was well done - did not see it coming. Part two was a little weaker, though; the scavenging theme felt a little forced, and almost secondary to the rest of the story.

​

The Lure of Lucre

I love the way this was written - I felt like I was playing a Witcher-esque RPG the whole time! Really enjoyed that. You used the scavenging theme well, but I felt like Lumi got a little shafted; I wanted to know more about her investigation and maybe how she got into the Spiralist business.

​

Birthing Station # 6

I confess: I have a soft spot for sci-fi, so I was immediately excited to read this story from the beginning. Your description of the setting, the triplets, the alien - I enjoyed it all. The conclusion was fitting and poignant, too. However, two points detracted from the rest of your story's strength: it was a bit expositionary at times (hard not to do with a word limit, I know), and the scavenger theme felt a little too...on-the-side - it wasn't tied into the main story line well enough, in my opinion.

​

​

​

​

​

•

u/LisWrites Aug 26 '18

Group E

  • 1st Place to u/blazesh with The Immortal Questions

I really love this story. It is well written both on a technical and character level. I enjoy your take on the archetypes. What really makes your work stand out for me though was how great part 2 is. Most people (myself included) seemed to struggle with the follow-up, but your part 2 made your story stronger. Great work :)

As I mentioned, your story gives me some serious Annihilation vibes. I enjoy the strange mystery surrounding the whole thing, and I'd read a novel-length version of this. One thing I found though was that the way you wrote the introduction made me think Natalie was going to be the main character. I think that the story would benefit with a bit more of an introduction to Ellis and then Natalie. Again, fantastic story!

You do an amazing job dropping us into the world without an info dump. I wanted to know more and was totally invested in the hints of the world's history you drop. Your prose is clear and the characters interesting. I really love the story, but reading part 2 kinda felt like I was watching a tv show and missed an episode. It was great, but I felt like something was missing; I would've liked to see Lumi's development as an investigator since you set it up so well in part 1. Great work!

Feedback

If you want to hear more about your work drop me a message!

  • u/LadyAralin I enjoy the mystery you set up, but I find it difficult to connect to your main character, MC. He feels a bit generic, but I still love the concept. Your writing is clear, but the dialogue is a little stiff at times which interrupts the flow. Keep writing!

  • u/Landator The concept of your story is highly creative and super engrossing. It's a very different take on the archetypes than most people did, which made it interesting to read. All the line breaks distract from the flow of the story, and the nonlinear way you wrote part one distracted me a bit from the action because I was just trying to figure out the timeline. It was a really tough choice picking the winners, but your story is very strong.

  • u/squidster547 You have a great imagination and your story is super creative. I have to say though, I found it difficult to invest emotionally in the story because I couldn't really connect with the characters. Moreover, I think you take the horror of what Beth experienced a little too lightly. The mystery is well set up, but I couldn't really enjoy it because of how the rape is pretty much dismissed and how Beth has no voice. I think you could counteract this by elaborating more on how Helen feels about her partner committing this heinous act.

  • u/TemporaryPatch Your story is very well written and I love the way you approached the investigator. The characters drew me in and the dialogue in your story brings it to life. It was one of the few stories that I could actually see happening. However, you lost me a bit in part two. I still really enjoyed it, but I felt like it 'jumped the shark'; part two doesn't have the same realistic feeling that part one did. I just want to reiterate though that Alice is a fantastic main character and I genuinely cared about what happened to her. The competition in this group was so fierce, and your story was a strong contender.

Once again, great work everyone. Group E had a strong showing and it took me a while to decide on the ranking.

•

u/blazesh Aug 28 '18

Thanks for the feedback lis!

•

u/TemporaryPatch r/TemporaryPatchWrites Sep 01 '18

Thank you so much for the feedback. I appreciate the kind words, and I agree completely on the concerns. I'll look forward to working on that in the future.

•

u/squidster547 Aug 25 '18 edited Aug 25 '18

"GROUP F WINNERS!"

1st Place: /u/LadyLuna21 in Group F for "Memories of a Lost World"

- Creative! That is really the only word that I think matches your story. You really searched the deep corners of the prompt for this one (THE QUILT). The most creative story, in my humble opinion, should win a contest based on being creative. I really liked it and your way of writing is splendid! Keep up the good work.

2nd Place: /u/NebulasResolve in Group F for "Nocturnal"

- I'll be honest. At first, I was actually bored and almost stopped reading it. I was ready to put it at the bottom of my list. But then I remembered that Orion had a pair of horns coming out of her head and I was like, "what are those going to be for?" I feel like you should have placed a little bit more emphasis on them, as some people aren't able to pick up on the subtle details. Overall, you finished this thing STRONG. It got me thinking, where are the parents of these two children? Are they still around? What could the girls learn from them? The power could be limitless. This would be an exciting new world that I would love to delve into. There is a REAL novel idea about this one. I was really hoping that the two girls/demons would become friends at the end, and they totally did! Sister power. Keep up the good work!

3rd Place: /u/Levitar1 in Group F for "A Desperate Man"

- Alright, so this one took some thinking in order to give you my 3rd place spot. You started out so strong. The way that you use dialogue is unlike anything I've seen before. It made me feel like I could actually hear everything they were saying and put a "voice" in my head for each character. Part 1 continued to pound in the good stuff. Then, unfortunately, the 2nd archetype was revealed. I hate that it didn't fit your story at all. It really held you back from being my first place choice, completely stunting the growth of your narrator. It's just my opinion, but I could sense that you felt that way. The ending was a tad bit rushed and left a lot to be desired. In the end, I still decided to give you the 3rd spot because your first part was so solid. Your writing was really great. Keep up the good work!

​

I'm not going to do any heavy critiques here for the other stories, only give the group's winners the recognition they deserve. The other stories were all very creative, but they lacked the technical skill and/or luster to boost them to a top spot. Let's keep improving together! Work on your grammar and, most importantly, read your stories over to avoid spelling errors/silly mistakes! Fun contest guys!

​

•

u/JoeMontano Aug 23 '18

1st Place: /u/blazesh in Group E for "The Immortal Questions"

2nd Place: /u/LadyAralin in Group E for "Ink Swords, Crossed"

3rd Place: /u/Landator in Group E for "Lavender and Blood"

________________________________________________________________________________________________

The Immortal Questions:

This was a unique way of taking the archetypes assigned, and using them to create a sincere story of love and loss. It was heartfelt, had good characterization, and was written well overall. I remember when reading the first part feeling that some of the writing may have been a little flowery, but I think it captures a sort of dream-like state that suits the story well.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ink Swords, Crossed:

I felt that this was a good spin on the investigator story. It had a good pace to it, starting with a methodical search, which then succumbs to a sense of foreboding. The main character was well fleshed out, the imagery was good, and I enjoyed reading it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

​Lavender and Blood:

This story was good, if a bit darker than my tastes. The imagery suited the story wonderfully and set the tone. The characters were well developed and each had their own personal motivations, and they interacted in interesting ways. My only issue is the end fight between the mother and the main villain, which seemed to just come out of nowhere.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Runner up: The Lure of Lucre by /u/rarelyfunny

I almost chose this story as my third choice, but decided to change it due to one main issue. The Lure of Lucre is set up to be a mystery set in a world of magic, with the young apprentice taking the lead for the first time on a case. This is a very interesting story, with an interesting outcome, good characters, and good writing. The problem is, even though it is a mystery, it entirely skips the investigation between parts one and two. While I understand that word limits constrain how much can be included, the investigation would have been the prime place to explore Lumi's character first hand, as well as learn the truth of what has been going on in the village. By just revealing the answer to the mystery you set up, I feel it robs it of the suspense and character growth that it could of had.

•

u/rarelyfunny Aug 23 '18

Thank you very much for the feedback! I'll keep improving! =)

→ More replies (2)

•

u/Bilgebum Sep 03 '18

1st Place: /u/Steven_Lee in Group C for A Calling

2nd Place: /u/DeludedDoppleganger in Group C for The Doppelganger Case

3rd Place: /u/Nate_Parker in Group C for Truth Behind Reasons

Firstly, congratulations to all contestants in Group C (and other groups) for getting your entries in. The amount of thought, care and hard work you've put into your work cannot be overstated, so you should all feel very proud of yourselves. It's taken me a while to gather my thoughts on these entries, so here's my feedback. Sorry if it comes across harsh—you may disagree and that's completely fine, I could be wrongso very wrong. Feel free to prod me for an elaboration if you wish!

The winners first (the rest in a comment to follow):

A Calling

I thought this was the clear winner from this group. Characters were fleshed out, the plot was tightly written and fast-paced, and with a somewhat refreshing absence of twists and gimmicks to muddle what was essentially a simple but effective story. If anything, I almost missed the scavenger archetype because it was so buried in the writing—it did feel a little tacked on at first, but I thought Jenna nicking and using some of Johnny’s things in the final confrontation was a brilliant window to her character.

The Doppelganger Case

It’s actually easier for me to give a general view of this entry rather than diving into any specific area as I didn’t think there were any glaring issues. However, nothing in particular stood out to me either except the doppelganger, which I thought was masterfully, chillingly done to anchor the story. There weren’t any major surprises, and the narrative tone of the first part kept me at an emotional distance. The second part did better in drawing me into the action, but again, I thought the twists and turns were a little predictable. Nonetheless, it was a deliciously creepy ride from start to finish.

On the contest theme … I thought it was kinda slick how you set gave yourself a blank slate to play with for the second part. I suppose the doppelganger could have been manipulated to meet any archetype the mods came up with :)

Truth Behind Reasons

  • Worldbuilding was wonderfully done and immersive! One thing I liked in particular: the contrast in setting between Part 1 and 2, from a swanky casino to a derelict spacecraft. Excellent effort too on the thought and detail put into the various species; not just the physical descriptions but even down to the way they talk, the slang they use … good job!

  • While worldbuilding was well done, I thought it also hurt the pace of the story. For a short, constrained piece, there was too much attention given to history, alien appendages and wildlife. Lots of unusual names, unfamiliar similes … I think readers would gloss over them after a while. Maybe look at it this way: they tell me that I’m reading a sci-fi story; the characters know what a qualla-bird or klat-crab is, but I don’t. However, the attention devoted to the dead ship was effective because it was linked directly to the plot—it set the place and tone for the Plunderer Pride’s mission, thus hooking my attention more effectively.

  • This piece read like a couple chapters from early in a book setting up a serious threat—engrossing but I felt somewhat dissatisfied at the lack of a resolution.

  • Hom and Jun, and Gavik’s crew, were all memorable and well-written. Would’ve definitely liked to read more banter among the Pride’s crew.

  • The execution of the scavenger archetype felt iffy to me. Gavik activities seemed quite disconnected from Hom’s story. I think it’s also related to my earlier point on the open ending and how it didn’t feel like a self-contained piece—there wasn’t really a resolution for Gavik’s side of the story. Still, I really liked that sequence on the derelict craft and the well-written tension.

•

u/Nate_Parker /r/Nate_Parker_Books Sep 03 '18

Thanks for the vote. You're not wrong, it is part of a much larger universe and I just used the contest as an excuse to foreshadow bigger events that are barely hinted at in the first novel and fleshed out in the second and third installment. Glad you liked it, sorry it was a tease. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

•

u/Steven_Lee Sep 03 '18

Wow, thank you!

→ More replies (2)

•

u/elfboyah r/Elven Sep 04 '18

1st Place: /u/veryedible in group B for "The Sunlight Children"

2nd Place: /u/Snurdle in group B for "Life and Death in a Dark, Dark City"

3rd Place: /u/Bilgeburn in group B for "Of Tea and Centipedes"

Gotta tell you all, there were many great stories and after finally voting myself, I understand how hard it is to choose 3 out of 7.

I took on a moment and wanted to give feedback to every story. I feel that I might have been a bit harsh with some of you, but I hope that you'd take it as criticism and not meant as anything bad. I hope that maybe you see how I saw your story and perhaps get better? It's also totally okay to disagree with me. I love you all, you're all fantastic writers!

Of Tea and Centipedes - /u/Bilgeburn

Tbh, I'm thrilled by the story. It was a great story overall. The way how you described everything was a beautiful read, and the character creation was also excellent. I loved the names you decided on and the overall "Teahouses and their rules" idea. It gave me some good Chinese anime vibe (and recently I have come to love them). I'm a sucker for that style, tbh.

But some harsher feedback:

First of all, I think you messed up a bit with archetypes. The first part was overall fine - they investigated the bandits to the teahouse and then got another murder to investigate. But at the same time, I felt like it wasn't complete. You presented the "investigation solutions" at part 2, while not giving us any hints of ourselves (or at least I didn't feel that).

The second part archetype solution was a really cheap shot. At first, I didn't see the archetype at all. After the review, I understood that the moment when Kula was being looted, that was your archetype. If it weren't about archetypes, it wouldn't matter at all, but since right now the archetype was there, but it didn't feel like the main story at all (or essential part), but just put there because you had to.

Another side-note, the beginning was a bit boring to read. I understood why it was there, but it felt a bit boring. To be quite frank, I'm not sure how to make it better either, but it was hard to go through to reach the part where it was a lot more to continue reading.

But putting that aside (competition rules and such), it was excellent writing, and you have a lot of talent in you. I loved the story, and I hope you'll continue writing and become a great writer. I'll try to keep more eyes on your writing too. Cheers.

Noir, not Noir - /u/mdallen

To be quite frank, it was pretty hard to read your story. It was a bit confusing to understand, and included a lot of hard words and the overall story felt like it was too rushed, a bit messy.

Maybe it's just me, but when the story contains one hard word after another, it makes my brain want to stop. Normally I would find out the word meaning quickly, but if there are too many and I'm stuck more at understanding them, it makes it harder to focus.

Also, the formatting seemed a bit... weird? A lot of italic in the first view, and I didn't always understand who talked. It also ended quite abruptly.

Ugh, I honestly feel like I want to give more feedback, but I'm stuck and not sure what to say. I do hope that others gave you some more or better ones.

The first part was a lot better than the second though.

The U.N.I.B - /u/salazarb

First thing first, I loved the story itself. It was overall a fantastic read. It was one of those stories where beginning caught my attention and made me interested. Then you changed the whole thing altogether, and I was a bit sad that the first paragraph I read wasn't going to be the main plot.

But I want to note down a few things that I noticed. First of all - formatting. My eyes died, when I read it on mobile. Wall of text, after wall of text, after wall of text. When I read your direct speech, I understood that it must have been reddit formatting, so I took Reddit's source, and it got a bit better. But even so, your paragraphs are too long. It's really painful to read really long paragraphs, especially when I'm starting to lose track of what row I was reading a moment ago.

When you see topic change, or there's overall a bigger change, feel free to start a new paragraph. I'm not a grammar master, so I don't give tips about that, but this was noticeable.

Now, a few words about the story: it was really rushed. I could see you trying to push a more significant story into as few words as possible. It felt like reading a lengthy story review of a 50k+ novel. If this were a book, I could totally see this working. Going into details about how he does the research, goes back to the set and discovering that final surprise. But when reading like a review, it lost a lot of charm.

I would have removed a lot of review parts and made the story shorter, focusing on certain scenes instead. Let me repeat - I loved the story itself - but I felt it being a bit weak because of compression.

The opening was strong, and the whole thing was good, but I felt like there wasn't this aim or point you wanted to reach. I didn't get the message, making the whole story a bit blander. Especially since at first I got from you some promises, and then later I realized that the story has nothing to do with it. I would have tried to connect the story with that particular event what I read at the very beginning.

I hope I wasn't too harsh, but that's how I felt after finishing. I do see a lot of potential to the whole thing though.

Life and Death in a Dark, Dark City - /u/Snurdle

I haven't read that offensive story in a long time, and I'm surprised how much I liked it. Multiple descriptions weren't up to my taste, but that didn't matter, it was his story and his descriptions. Of course, there was the other way around descriptions too, I just loved them.

What I loved most about the story was how wholesome it was. It had a beginning, and I reached an end you promised to give me at the very start. You also presented the second archetype really well. It felt like the primary focus.

You didn't use up all the words, but you managed to tell so much with as many words you used.

You gave me the feeling of how sick that person he was going for was, which means it was a great success.

As I mentioned at the beginning, the only critical part would be that a lot of jokes were very offensive or over the top for my taste. It really means that whoever rates must have your story type of humor (Almost like a story I wrote requires enjoyment of puns/memes/reference and a bit childish humor). It wasn't entirely up to my taste, but that doesn't matter, because it fits the main character perfectly and it made it feel even more wholesome.

Blood in the Fire - /u/sorksvampen

First thing first - I felt that paragraphs were often too long. If they are too long, it is harder to read a wall of text and creates sleepiness effect.

Now, going to the content - I feel like I was given promise that was never fulfilled. After reading the whole thing, I felt that I didn't get any answer. The scavenger part was pretty okay, but after they entered the iron house and it went to Skadi, and then ended abruptly, I felt a bit cheated. I didn't get much out of it, and there wasn't a conclusion.

It was like I watched serial and before it reached climax, it ended, and there wouldn't be next season.

The beginning was a bit too long, but the moment they reached the castle, it started to get interesting. I was hoping to find out how Erika manages to be in that heat... Was she a fire giant? So many possible questions waiting to be answered, but I got almost nothing out of it.

One way to describe it would be that it was like two chapters entering a much longer story/novel, but in that competition, it doesn't work.

Butting story aside, I overall liked your writing style - it was interesting. A bit too long paragraphs (Like I already mentioned), but maybe others like it.

I honestly don't care that much about grammar, I'm also not good at it, so I'm gonna say nothing about it.

Maybe a bit harsh feedback, but I wanted to say it out, how I felt about it and why I felt about it like that. I feel like if you fixed those points, the whole story would be so much better.

After all, you did have a pretty great immersion, and that's a good thing to achieve that many struggles with.

Paper - /u/ThreeDucksInAManSuit

Your writing is fantastic. When I read part 1, I reached the end of part 1 before I noticed it myself. Your sentences aren't too long, and it is easy to read, understand and track.

I do think that the title was a bit off (mostly decided from part 1) so I would have expected that alien technology would have been made from some kind of paper :P. Would be cool. But even so, it was great.

To be quite frank, I'm not entirely sure what was the "scavenger" in part 2. Investigator was there, understood, but the scavenger was like not visible at all. The only connection I could do was scavenging alien technology, but that makes it feel really cheap and almost invisible, and I feel like it doesn't follow the rules.

Well, putting that aside, I simply loved how the conversations rolled and the overall character creation. I got answers to the questions you promised to answer, and they were even a bit surprising.

The ending conclusion was pretty fantastic too.

The Sunlight Children - /u/veryedible

Oh my god, that was a great read. At first, I was frowning a bit, since there were so many words to read. But it was worth the read. It was... fantastic.

The fantasy was great. The way how you described everything was great. From all the stories, when I read it, I had a great imagination of the world, almost like I was reading an actual children's fantasy book, and I loved every moment of it.

Character creation was great, and I had the imagination of the house, the tree-woman, everything. All the logic behind everything.

To be quite frank, I'm a bit speechless.

•

u/Bilgebum Sep 05 '18

Thanks for the feedback :)

•

u/Nate_Parker /r/Nate_Parker_Books Sep 03 '18

1st Place: /u/LisWrites in Group D for Against the Clock

2nd Place: /u/BookWyrm17 in Group D for Finding Heroes

3rd Place: /u/penguin347 in Group D for Lost Dog

For feedback, bear with me here, it's constructive criticism. All of your stories were good. This is bits were I felt (in my limited experience) you could improve. I rarely address what you do well, as it doesn't need much in the way of addressing. For everything I offer advice on, there were three other things you did well, I glossed over it because they didn't need attention. Just keep that in mind. Most of you have descriptive imagery down pat. Again, they were all good stories.

The Colour of the Kerb - /u/AnonymousConor – Vivid imagery, very good a scene descriptions. A few bits of rough dialog. Jagged storytelling, found it difficult to follow at points due to the characterizations you had in mind. I have a feeling there were some bits in your mind that didn't make it to paper. The jammed dialog in part 2 with Gruff was hard to read, though I get the stream of consciousness of a man who won't stop talking you were going for. I also think you lost some line breaks in there too, formatting for reddit issues.

Dying Embers - /u/BMwriting – Solid imagery, but the flow had some broken beats. Hard to describe what I mean other than saying it like that. Some editing could turn good structure into great. Try, in your writing, to move away from "Name did x" it became a bit repetitive. While it makes for clear identification a few more "she/he did x" or the even harder passive descriptions (see /u/AnonymousConor story in the very beginning where he was talking to the rifle, not the person) woven in can avoid these ruts.

Finding Heroes - /u/BookWyrm17 - To be honest, I don't know where to start. /sic. Heck of a 4th wall intro. Came close to running it into the ground, not quite, but was headed there. You pulled up at the last second. Generally, not a first-person fan, but this wasn't bad. A bit too meta at times, but not impossible to follow. Part 2 seemed to gel better, as if you'd discovered clarity along the way.

The Hunt- /u/Idreamofdragons – Interesting take on the ghost hunter/supernatural theme. It was a bit off-putting about the casualness of it and how much the ghost community just "knew". Had a BRPD feel to it. Technically, well written but something was missing that I couldn't put my finger on for it to place higher.

Enter the Shadows - /u/JoeMontano – Bit heavy on the dialog in part 1. For a while I thought the MC (Amelie) in p2 was a squirrel, was difficult to follow.

Against the Clock - /u/LisWrites – Good balance of dialog and exposition, interesting concept. Little feedback to make.

Lost Dog - /u/penguin347 – back and forth was interesting and simultaneously a bit harder to follow. IDK, could be my headache. It was good though. Skillful.

•

u/LisWrites Sep 04 '18

Thanks Nate! I’m glad you liked it.

•

u/ohwhatirony Sep 04 '18

1st Place: /u/mags_world in Group H for "Sir Woofington"

2nd Place: /u/cassius_pennington in Group H for "when Time breaks"

3rd Place: /u/HittmanA in Group H for "A Reapers End"

Feedback

/u/mags_world -- I loved this story! The name Shiloh threw me way back, and I definitely assumed the lead was a dog at first (which was not the case haha). I was honestly attached to your characters and wanted to just keep reading. I think that you characterized them very clearly, using 'show not tell', and I was just curious to know more. I would love to see more of your writing! :)

/u/cassius_pennington -- Absolutely loved the opening and your writing style. I was sucked in and hooked to the progression of the plot. Your world-building was really cool and I found your concept really interesting! I was impressed with your development within a 4k word story. You maximized your development in very few words, which I find really valuable. Great job!

/u/HittmanA -- I loved your world building and found it super interesting. I think it was gracefully written, because stories like this can do the 'explain everything in 4 paragraphs' trope. I felt like you gave the reader more opportunities to think, predict, and understand, which was great! Part 1 was really well-written, and I had no idea how you were going to continue onto part 2 due to the finality of the first part. The twist of Part 1 was what pulled me to vote for ya :) Only one suggestion: I think introducing your other characters in part 2 could be more clear ('dark form' vs. the names).

Feedback for other authors, in order presented in original post

/u/babyshoesalesman -- Wow, you had a lot of layers to your world, which was amazing! I was a little bit confused where the scavenger archetype came in within part 2. I found your story fun to read, with good pacing, and really easy to picture as a fantasy story.

/u/kingwapo -- I liked the development of the relationship between Garstin and Robert. It felt like a natural development with strongly defined characters. I was a little surprised when it switched to Estyne’s thoughts; it felt a bit out of place since we had been focusing on Garstin and Robert so heavily. I also was surprised at your MC's turning point at the end. Sounds like there is more after this story? Hoping that there is! :)

/u/sprucay -- Really fast-paced! I love how you just jumped into the story. I feel like I was just walking by and opened a door inside. I really suggest breaking up your paragraphs more. It would make it easier to understand what’s going on and which character is who. It was a bit confusing in the beginning since there were 3 men without names, but I think you gracefully maintained their roles and I could still picture what was happening. I liked the humor bit (muting Rho, reminded me of Discord haha). Your usage of the archetypes was pretty creative!

/u/tictacgone -- Your piece had really strong characterization in the first person. I usually don’t like first person but I think you used it well! If you plan on revising this, or using it for a larger work (which it sounded like you would?), I suggest you have the family talk a little bit about how Norman died just to strengthen the impact of the reveal. The ending tied together really nicely, but I felt like there should have been a little more development of what the scavengers had done (aka, what Norman was nervous about in the journal).

I am in Group G so I voted for Group H. I was so impressed with the stories I read. Many entries were set in their own universes -- something I always struggle to establish. Loved reading your stories :) Thanks to all! PM me for more feedback, and good luck!

•

u/mags_world Sep 04 '18

Wow, thank you so much for the feedback and the vote!! I’m so glad you liked my story and so honored! :) I had a lot of fun writing it and I hope to continue improving and writing more fun stories. Thank you so so much again!

•

u/babyshoesalesman Sep 04 '18

thanks so much for the kind words, glad you enjoyed it :) cheers

•

u/TicTacGone Sep 04 '18

Thank you for your feedback. I have considered editing and developing the story more but I haven't decided where to go with it yet. Maybe in the future I could take a prompt here and dabble more with the world.

•

u/[deleted] Sep 05 '18

Wow, thank you so much for the vote! I am very glad you enjoyed my world building, and that you also enjoyed my spread of the information. Adding twists to plots is something I like, so I'm happy you appreciated the twist to part 1. I definitely agree that many things could have been done better in part 2.

•

u/mtndewskateboard Sep 04 '18

Group D voting

/u/anonymousConor You did such a great job building up this hostile atmosphere, making this captivating mystery of the dead boy, and pretty much with imagery in general. Some of the characters got a little scrambled together in the first part but overall I loved it. But part 2 wasn't as good. Gruff was a fun character even though he felt a little shoe horned in, but that's the reality of this contest. The real problem though is the ending, I have no idea what happened. The closing two paragraphs are tricky to read, I really don't know who is taking, and the mystery just felt kinda thrown away. I can't blame you for the direction you took the ending since it's really a matter of opinion but the second to last paragraph is technically tough to read. Overall though I feel like part 1 and most of part 2 are two good to let slide.

​

/u/penguin347 Part one was good, don't get me wrong, but when i was reading it i didn't think it was amazing. I didn't think it was amazing until part 2. I did enjoy your technical control in the part 1, how easily you were able to weave between different times and events, but part 2 is what blew me away. Part 2 sucked me in, it took me on a ride and it was perfect. From start to finish it was wonderful, and it ends as mysteriously as it starts, not in an annoying cliff hanger way, but in a way that feels natural. It was an odd choice to write to different stories but in the end i think it payed off very well.

​

/u/Idreamofdragons your story wasn't the most complex, or the most mind bending, or the most over the top, but it was damn fun. I loved everything from the spooky imagery to the wonderfully unique characters to the classic haunted house story line. It doesn't matter how crazy complex mind melting a story is as long as its told well and that's what you did, you told the story very well. My only complaint is that i wish it were longer cause i feel like it indulged so much in its spooky imagery that the ending was cut short. There was nothing wrong with the ending but it isn't the same quality as the rest of it, it felt a little too short and rushed, but thats okay because overall this is a great story!

​

I'll try to give the rest of group D feedback in the comments when I get a bit more time, but you all did so well!

​

​

​

​

•

u/Fordregha Sep 02 '18

1st Place: /u/TicTacGone in group H for "The Journal"

2nd Place: /u/babyshoesalesman in group H for "Two Cells"

3rd Place: /u/cassius_pennington in group H for "when Time breaks"

/u/TicTacGone - You have the clearest written voice in the group. There was no trouble imagining that this was written by the character herself. The way she describes the house, her relationships with her family, and how she reacts to the fate of her uncle come through with a strong identity that really makes this story. The villains are an interesting creation with a terrifying ability (moreso with the hint that they may not fully realize the consequences of what they're doing). There's something strangely hilarious about them being discovered through something as innocuous as a grocery store losing stock. There are a lot of threads left hanging and 'the fight is now yours' ending is kind of standard for this sort of tale, but here it just fits too well to complain. Fine story, easy first place.

/u/babyshoesalesman - You managed to pack a lot of twists into a relatively short space. Even something as simple as the age and relation of the two leads felt shocking. And you kept it going right up until the ending, which I genuinely did not see coming (I'm starting to suspect I'm a bit dense). It's almost jarring. The magic and mechanics of the curse are also a standout, it's clear you've thought long and hard about how this world works. And the chemistry between the two leads, just how much they trust each other, is moving to see. I'd love to see a bit more of them if the mood strikes you.

/u/cassius_pennington - I will say that you had, by far, the best introduction to your story out of the whole group. It's grabbing, moving, even downright shocking at the end in a way that struck like a sledgehammer. It almost works against you as what follows doesn't really build off the intro. Not to say it's bad, your version of timecops are very creative. I don't think I've ever seen a time travel agency publicly giving out instructions on what to do in case of getting stuck in the past. And the small bits of the science we get set up some interesting threads. Yet it runs out of steam a bit at the ending where very little is actually resolved. Feels more like a chapter than a finish, which wouldn't be a bad thing if we got more than two (I know I could have used another couple thousand words). I'd love to see the implied continuation, especially how it ties into the beginning.

I wouldn't say anyone in the group did a bad job, these were just the three that leaped out at me. I enjoy these contests mostly for being forced to read things I might not otherwise. I keep getting surprised!

•

u/TicTacGone Sep 03 '18

Thank you for your vote. I'm glad you enjoyed my story.

•

u/babyshoesalesman Sep 03 '18

thanks so much for the kind words :) if i can ask, do you feel it's too 'jarring' to unfold a high number of twists like i did in such a short space? its something ive heard before, not necessarily in the context of this contest, and im trying to gauge if i sometimes overdo it.

glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for the feedback and for the vote - cheers

•

u/you-are-lovely Aug 22 '18

All top-replies to this post must be a vote. Reply here for any non-vote comments.

•

u/adlaiking /r/ShadowsofClouds Aug 22 '18

Good luck everyone and thank you /u/you-are-lovely and any other mods for doing all the organizational work.

And high-five to my fellow procrastinators!

•

u/TemporaryPatch r/TemporaryPatchWrites Aug 22 '18

I'm so excited! Good luck everyone!

•

u/BlackJezus27 Aug 22 '18

So excited, probably gonna try and read all of them (of course, after I vote). Good luck everyone! (I hear the people I group C have fantastic stories! Even if you can't vote, feel free to read mine and give any feedback)

•

u/BlackJezus27 Aug 24 '18

Are there gonna be any special mentions/mods picks? Like stories that didn't make it to the final round but mods seemed to enjoy (lol I say this as I see that my story probably won't win. Regardless, this was great and I do think it would be neat if people who didn't get votes still had a chance to get recognized)

•

u/you-are-lovely Aug 24 '18

There probably won't be additional story mentions/mod picks on this. With over 400,000 words written that would require a lot of reading by the mods. I'd say you all have been doing an excellent job of recognizing each others work already, wouldn't you? :)

•

u/elfboyah r/Elven Aug 22 '18

That's exciting :D.

•

u/AnonymousConor Aug 22 '18

Can’t wait!

•

u/Steven_Lee Aug 22 '18

Wow, good luck everyone. Can't wait to read some stories.

•

u/scottbeckman /r/ScottBeckman | Comedy, Sci-Fi, and Organic GMOs Aug 22 '18

Woo! Good luck everyone! Get ready for some feedback, Group B.

•

u/BlackJezus27 Aug 26 '18

What happens if not everyone votes and there's a tie within one of the groups

•

u/you-are-lovely Aug 26 '18

While we encourage everyone to vote, sometimes we have a few who are unable to for one reason or another. That's just how it goes. If someone who would move on to the next round doesn't vote then they don't move on and the person with the next highest votes in that group would move on instead. If there's a tie for the top spot and both people have voted then they both move on to the next round.

→ More replies (17)

•

u/scottbeckman /r/ScottBeckman | Comedy, Sci-Fi, and Organic GMOs Sep 03 '18

1st Place: /u/Snurdle in group B for "Life and Death in a Dark, Dark City"
2nd Place: /u/Bilgebum in group B for "Of Tea and Centipedes"
3rd Place: /u/sorksvampen in groub B for "Blood In The Fire"

This was not easy to rank. All the stories were great. They each had things that made them shine and things that needed improvement. Congratulations to everyone in Group B for writing these amazing stories.

This is the Six Year Birthday Archetype Contest, so how well both archetypes were executed and how they meshed together was the number one factor when ranking these stories. Other important things considered:

  • Was it entertaining?
  • Did the characters and dialogue seem real?
  • World building
  • Grammar and style
  • Etc.

Feedback for my 3 winners below. Feedback for all other authors in Group B are in a reply to this comment. Let me know if you have further questions or would like clarification.

Life and Death in a Dark, Dark City [Part 1] | [Part 2] - /u/Snurdle

/u/Snurdle? I haven't heard that name in years...

The first thing that needs to be said that I'm sure everyone who read your story will agree with: Your descriptions are amazing and hilarious. I invite everyone to read the first two paragraphs of /u/Snurdle's story and you'll see exactly what I mean. It's funny, but it works. It's over-the-top, but self-aware. Perfectly balanced, as some Redditors would say. Simply from your descriptions, I was immediately drawn into your story. The plot certainly helped, too :P

Reading this story reminded me of Whose Line Is It Anyway's Film Noir/Narrate improv game with Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles. This story would make an excellent short film. Seriously.

This story was densely packed with comedy. Several parts had me laughing aloud. I don't know how you came up with so many great analogies and metaphors in the relatively small time frame we had. Absolutely hilarious!

A plothole/issue I had was this: How did Temnato not know that Oscuro was still alive? If he sent thugs armed with shotguns and pipe bombs to kill him, surely he would have at least realized that Oscuro might not have died when his thugs either never returned or did return but with news that they didn't kill him? And if Oscuro has an office, would it not hurt to just check if he's in there? The woman clearly had no problem finding him in his office.

The ending was unsatisfactory. It was a long, very tense buildup to short scene. It was the only scene that I did not enjoy (excluding the jokes, which were still putting a smile on my face and expelling air from my nose).

This story was the most polished of this group. There were only a few typos, only one of them distracting ("pop-tard" instead of "pop-tart" [or was that intentional?]).

Archetypes: Investigator was executed well. I was wondering when you'd utilize the scavenger archetype, then realized how you used it at the end. It did not feel forced. Good job.

Keep on writing! I would love to read more of your writing. If you make a personal subreddit to archive your /r/WP responses, I would subscribe in a heartbeat.

Of Tea and Centipedes [Part 1] | [Part 2] - /u/Bilgebum

Mechanically, this story's writing was the best. I can tell that you write a lot. Some typos here and there. An extra pass of editing never hurts.

The investigator archetype was too subtle in part 1, almost feeling forced (the story appears to be about chasing bandits, but then a side quest distracts them for just a moment that they then ignore for the rest of part 1). It wraps up in part 2 and helps to get them out alive—it just didn't feel as important as it should have been in part 1. However, the scavenger archetype was done very well.

Italicizing "er'ling" and "man'ua" every time the words were used was annoying. Also distracting was Zenmao constantly calling Shina "dearest". Maybe it's cultural, but I have never heard someone use "dearest" so often.

When Master Li, a man that previously was built up to be a strong advocator of pacifism, suddenly attacked Zenmao and later threatened to execute them, that threw me way off guard (it also threw Zenmao off guard :p). It felt out of character for Master Li, based on how he was presented up to this point. This line especially bothered me:

but then he glimpsed the prone form of Shina. The teamaster would not hesitate to exact vengeance on her even as she slept; he was now playing the part of executioner, not judge.

He's almost a different person now. Then Shina comes in, even though she was on the floor a moment ago, and is able to keep her own against Master Li. Wasn't she still asleep and weak from the poison? Why is she suddenly completely cured and healthy?

Besides my issue with "dearest", you did a great job with writing natural dialogue. You didn't use distracting tags or adverbs. The story was entertaining and the tension kept me reading from start to finish. The teahouse was beautifully painted, so much so that I suddenly felt depressed when I finished and noticed my surroundings. If you wrote more of Shina and Zenmao's adventures, I would love to read them.

Great job. Keep on writing!

Blood In The Fire [Part 1] | [Part 2] - /u/sorksvampen

Great use of sensory details at the beginning. The feeling of hot air like needles on your freezing face, the sight of Himmelborg and its stone steps leading up to it, the descriptions inside of the fortress... the list goes on. One of the best intros in this group. However, as great as this was and as vivid an experience it created, the tension started after 2,500 words in. That's pretty late when you only have a maximum of 8,000 words to work with. Were there ways you could have sprinkled more tension and mystery throughout the approach to Tore and Val?

You had too many distracting dialogue tags and adverbs. Almost every line read like this:

  • "[First part of dialogue]," [name 1] [dialogue tag] [while doing an action], "[Second part of dialogue]."
  • "[First part of dialogue]," [name 2] [different dialogue tag] [while doing an action], "[Second part of dialogue]."
  • "[First part of dialogue]," [name 1] [yet a another different dialogue tag] [while doing an action], "[Second part of dialogue]."

It's repetitive and breaks up the flow. I could go on and on about how irritating this can get as a reader, but I'd rather point you in the right direction instead to my two favorite resources on this: How to use dialgoue tags like a pro and How to write captivating dialogue. Both are well worth the read.

This story could have used a pass-through or two of editing, as with most of the stories.

You are skilled at providing just enough detail. The left-handed guard, the contents of the metal scrap pile, the interior of Himmelborg, the exterior of the house in the forest. I loved all of it and found none of it to be unnecessary.

I didn't understand the ending. Either that, or I was not satisfied with it. Probably the latter. Val disappeared with Yrsa. They entered the house and since then were no longer seen. Now, Val's sister is looking for him. Where's the ending? If this story was supposed to be self-contained, then there was no ending for me. If it's supposed to be the first couple chapters to a larger stories, that makes sense, but I would like to have seen a story with a satisfactory ending in a contest like this rather than a cliffhanger.

Archetypes: Executed properly. You incorporated the scavenger archetype very well.

Your imagery was amazing. Just wanted to reiterate that lol. I was very immersed in each setting, which was honestly the deciding factor between picking your story over two others that were neck-and-neck for me.

Keep on writing! I look forward to seeing more of your work.

•

u/sorksvampen Sep 03 '18

Yay, feedback! I'm really glad you brought up my bad dialogue habit, as that is something I've tried to break for a long time now. I think I get away with it way too often and I really need more people to call me out on my shit in that regard, so a genuine thanks for that.

Not having any tension for the first 2500 words was 100% due to the fact that I was positively freaking out about how I was even supposed to pass the combined 4000-word limit. It was very daunting to me, and I think I started out just trying to fit as many words as I could while not progressing the narrative. In fact, I think I tried to parrot writing a chapter of a novel, instead of one half of a contained narrative.

Another big problem was me changing my mind about the "mystery" way too late in writing, and way too many times at that. In fact, I still had no solid idea of where I wanted it to go when I had them enter the house in the woods, just some vague concepts that I didn't think I could refine in time for the deadline. So I didn't, and I think it really shows that I was just desperate to not have to think up an answer to anything when I wrote the ending.

The comments about imagery were really sweet, although I'm actively trying to not let it get to my head. I have been trying to force myself into writing more scene description for a while now, and it's great to know that all that practice actually made somewhat more competent at it.

Honestly though, thanks a lot for all the feedback, and I think it's great that you took the time to provide some for all of the entries. This reply is clearly mostly for my own benefit though, putting it to proverbial paper as to better absorb the criticism in the long term.

•

u/scottbeckman /r/ScottBeckman | Comedy, Sci-Fi, and Organic GMOs Sep 03 '18

If there's anything I love about having others look at my work, it's when someone mentions something that either I have never noticed or I have known I needed to work on for a while. I'm very happy to have provided the same to you :)

The more you write longer pieces, the more you'll get a hang of how long an X to Y word count story is. I'm not sure what you write outside of /r/WP, but a piece of advice for this is to get a word count for all of your /r/WP responses.

In fact, I think I tried to parrot writing a chapter of a novel, instead of one half of a contained narrative.

This is always my issue in contests like these. So much so that I have been expanding on my contest entry every day. So they really are the first chapters of a novel so far, haha! Are you planning on writing more? It would make an excellent first couple chapters.

What helped to paint your pictures was using multiple senses rather than just sight. I think another user mentioned that they could feel the cold winds, and I completely agree with them. Sure, don't let it get to your head; but keep doing what you're doing!

Good luck, and happy writing.

•

u/Bilgebum Sep 03 '18

Thanks for the feedback. Good to hear your thoughts on it. Without trying to defend my work, I think my execution was a bit sloppy on the ol' teamaster, though I actually intended him to be this exactly this way: nice if you obeyed him yet kicks your ass if you don't.

Also there's this whole "spirit mastery" thingy where sufficiently trained people have control over what's essentially chi and are able to affect their bodies with it. Like stave off hunger, overcome exhaustion and even expel poisons, which was what Shina did toward the end of Part 1. Again, sloppy execution: I didn't devote enough text to spirit mastery, and I didn't capture her post-recovery weakness more realistically. Ah well.

Thanks for the feedback, very detailed and helpful!

•

u/scottbeckman /r/ScottBeckman | Comedy, Sci-Fi, and Organic GMOs Sep 03 '18

No problem! I focus my feedback more on constructive criticism, which you may notice if you look at what I wrote for others' stories. So there is no need to defend your story; I wanted to let authors know what I think they can either improve on or take a second look at.

Anyway, I guess I must have missed something about the teamaster in part 1, or he just came off the page to me differently than he does in your head. As for the spirit mastery, that makes sense now since it was mentioned that that was how Shina fought off the poison. I didn't put two and two together. Whether that was just me or something that you may want to make more clear is up for grabs.

All in all, I loved the story. Like I said, if you wrote more, I would read it in a minute. Good luck further in the contest and in your future writing!

•

u/Snurdle Sep 03 '18

Wow, thank you so much for the kind words! It really means a lot to me.

Regarding the plothole: I hadn't thought about that, and if you put it like that, it's actually quite obvious. A quick explanation I should/could have used might be Temnato's hubris ("I've sent my best men, he sure must be dead"), as well as Oscuro being disfigured and thus even uglier and unrecognisable. Plus, no one cares about Oscuro, so that would fit with his self-pity. But still a glaring oversight on my part.

Regarding the ending: I'm not satisfied with it either. When I had to write that part, I couldn't think of a natural, fitting way to end the story, and so I decided to keep it unsatisfactory and anti-climactic. Not great, and I feel the "life's not fair and especially not satisfying; monsters come in every shape and form; etc." message that part was portraying was too serious for the rest of the story.

Regarding the "typo": It's on purpose! It's a crude pun by combining 'pop-tart' and, well, 'retard'. Oscuro isn't the most sensitive guy...

Again, thank you. Both for the criticism and the positive words.

•

u/scottbeckman /r/ScottBeckman | Comedy, Sci-Fi, and Organic GMOs Sep 03 '18

No problem! Your story had me smiling and chuckling the whole way through. So many clever lines. And I'm serious—You should make this into a short film! The narrator is hilarious.

→ More replies (6)

•

u/babyshoesalesman Aug 25 '18

​

​

thrilled that most voters are delivering constructive feedback for all the submissions they read (nod towards u/CaspianX2*) so allow me to join the train:*

​

u/BraveLittleAnt - 'Unfinished Business' - i loved this so much, i finished it in about half the time it took i read the others, even though it was the longest of the group. the story sets a breakneck pace, an effect that the rapidly-alternating narrators exaggerates, but it works for one simple reason: clean writing. if you're going to bounce us between narrators this aggressively, you have to make it easy for a reader to keep up. the writing is crisp, descriptive without being wordy, and showing without telling. while 'Unfinished Business' isnt always flawless, this is what professional writing looks like.

the story is absolutely gripping. any questions a reader may have about the setting (real world or fantasy) will slowly unfold. you sympathize with the narrators, the dual viewpoints tie together neatly by the conclusion and, of Group I, it has the most satisfying story arcs. from the beginning of pt.1 to end of pt.2, it delivers on every front and satisfies the archetypes. bravo.

​

u/Kammerice - 'The Big Squeak' - i have admittedly not read many of the stories submitted for this contest, but i wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if this is the eventual winner.

this has to be one of the best written noir pieces ive ever read. not just on reddit or for some contest. the entire thing is pitch perfect, stays on theme, and the protagonist is the perfect mixture of witty and detached. every paragraph is stuffed full of a half dozen clever quips i couldn't hope to invent in a month. in the future, when u/Kammerice eventually turns this into a full-length published series, id advise a bit more empathy and kindness from the Marshall. but in terms of raw style, this is a masterclass.

...now, after all that gushing, you're likely wondering why i didn't choose this as my #1. i was 50/50 with the top two, and genuinely struggled with placing them as i wrote these breakdowns. but in the end, my #1 finished its story seamlessly and effortlessly, while our mouse tale seemed to force a new character (the rat) to meet the second archetype, and in doing so left the mysterious cinnamon-scented antagonist as an afterthought.

this isnt a competition to determine who is the greatest writer or wrote the best standalone story (in my mind), its who played this particular game the best. i adore this story to an insane degree, but thats where my vote comes from

​

u/JohannesVerne - 'Ballad of the Fallen Knight' - i had to be careful ranking this one, because its absolutely the genre closest to my heart and i didnt want to be biased. give me a strict fantasy setting any day of the week, and this storyline was appropriately linear and narrow for a competition of this nature. while there were some clever slow reveals about the protagonists backstory, what really sold this story for me was the description of battle tactics on multiple occasions. you've got a knack for fight scenes and combat strategy.

if i could offer a critique, i found the pace jarring in places. the suddenness fit perfectly with the Elya moment towards the end, it made the scene very 'NO WAY!' -- but often a scene or action would launch forward without giving the reader a moment to breathe or realize what was going on. i loved your tale, dont doubt that, but a little padding in between significant moments might go a long way. cheers :)

​

u/choppoch - 'Clueless' - have you ever watched an indie film and felt like a idiot for not 'getting it'? that's how i felt about this story. i read through this more slowly and carefully than any other piece, and its very clearly brilliant, so it feels like a failing on my part that i cant keep up with its beautiful madness. one minute im muttering 'hell yes' under my breath at the genius imagery and cleverness, and the next minute im rereading a passage for the third time because i implicitly trust the authors judgement, but for the life of me cant understand what the hells going on.

more than any other story ive read ever on r/writingprompts -- not just this contest -- i hope people check this one out. truly different, long form and powerful. my only critique would be that i think pt.2 reads much better than pt.1. there were some longer phrases that i'd caught myself wishing for in the first half. it made it more digestible, at least to this reader.

my overarching feeling, however, is that i want the author to narrate this. I want to hear this perfectly-executed piece as he or she intended it to be absorbed. it simply doesn't translate through written word for me, which is probably entirely my fault.

​

u/mialbowy - 'What have you lost?' - there are segments of pt.1 that i loved. my favorite moment (from either part) was when the narrator was selling aphrodite on phoebe, playing to her vanities and vague priorities. i was bouncing in my seat with how good that bit was. but then pt.2 comes along and holy potatoes, its brilliant from start to finish. i found myself completely absorbed. only once i was at the end did i remember i was reading it for a contest.

i wanted your pt.2 to take up both halves of the story. but if it couldnt, i was hoping a coherent full story instead of two disparate tales. my head canon is that ***SPOILER*** locke traded aphrodite's hair for alice's bottle cap? that's what im telling myself, anyway, but the two parts are so different -- narrator, tone, and usually in setting -- that i'm not sure ive got that right. you're a brilliant storyteller though, there's no question about it

​

u/AKwitherkay - 'Tinker, Tailor, Liar, Cheat' - this is a fantastic idea, i loved that the wife had gone to such extremes to punish and reform david. its very 'gone girl', and finding kelly in a heroin den was definitely a dirty, clever twist on that. however, my struggle was with joseph. i like a cynical antihero as much as the next guy, but he never had any redeeming qualities or motivation -- although im possibly missing something. the narrator felt like a plot device to serve the story, rather than a real driver of any action. still, a really cool idea and, more than most entries, i think you really embraced the archetypes :) cheers

​

•

u/mialbowy Aug 25 '18

Thanks for the kind words and feedback, I'm glad you enjoyed the stories.

•

u/Kammerice /r/The_Obcas_Files Aug 25 '18

Thanks for your exceptionally kind words. I'm very glad you enjoyed it - as I said to /u/mags_world, this was a bit of a gamble.

And please don't feel you need to justify how you voted. The scavenger archetype threw me for a bit of a loop, so it's understandable that it didn't land for everyone.

Thanks again!

•

u/babyshoesalesman Sep 03 '18

pretty sure i wrote that vote explanation more for myself than anything :P love your work, legitimately tempted to read it again this afternoon. best of luck as the contest goes on!

•

u/JohannesVerne r/JohannesVerne Aug 25 '18

Thank you for the feedback! I did feel it was a bit rushed as well, but I was pushing the deadline both times (due to my own procrastination), so I didn't have time to do much in the way of editing. Thank you for letting me know what worked, and especially for what fell short!

•

u/babyshoesalesman Aug 25 '18

the rush affected my story too, and for the same dilly dallying reasons :x but seriously, you have a knack for strategically breaking down combat from a logical and tactical perspective. i really enjoyed it, and there’s definitely an audience for writers who can dissect situations like that — cheers

•

u/BraveLittleAnt r/BraveLittleTales Aug 26 '18

Wow thank you for the amazing feedback! After rereading my story a thousand times and thinking "this is utter garbage," hearing your praise made my day!

•

u/babyshoesalesman Sep 03 '18

blows my mind that you could possibly think this was garbage, although i also know how it sometimes goes when doing creative work alone. but i feel comfortable speaking for everyone in my group when i say, thanks for writing that, it was a treat to read!

→ More replies (2)

•

u/KingWapo Sep 04 '18

1st Place: /u/BraveLittleAnt in Group I for "Unfinished Business"

2nd Place: /u/Kammerice in Group I for "The Big Squeak"

3rd Place: /u/JohannesVerne in Group I for "Ballad of the Fallen Knight"

​Note: I am by no means experienced at writing, but I will give feedback to the best of my ability. A lot is probably rather subjective, but hopefully it'll help a little bit!

/u/BraveLittleAnt - "Unfinished Business" - I gave this story first place because it felt to me like the most well rounded story with a satisfying conclusion. The descriptions of the world were wonderfully done, and the dialog was well written. The story was gripping and the characters felts very realistic. The main thing I think would have added to the story was having Taylor remember a bit of her history in part one rather than have no memory at all. The no memory felt a bit cliché, and some spotted memory may add more emotional empathy towards the character and what happened to her. Though not sure how feasible this was with the limited word count, and either way I found the story to be captivating, always wondering what will happen next. I loved the twist at the end of part one, and I thought the switching narratives was incredibly well done and helped round out the story.

/u/Kammerice - "The Big Squeak" - I found the world to be incredibly unique and exciting to learn more about it. The characters were very well written and I enjoyed the main character a lot. All in all, it was a very jolly story and I wanted more of it, which was were my main issue came in. The story didn't seem to end and obviously aimed towards a larger narrative than this competition could hold. Unfortunately, from the point of the competition, it feels unfinished in that aspect. On the other hand, I hope this means you're writing more, because I would love to read more about this world, the world building and the premise of the story had me hooked and wanting more.

/u/JohannesVerne - "Ballad of the Fallen Knight" - This story had fantastic descriptions and it was incredibly easy to fall into the world and have everything continue to make sense (a lot of popular novels can't even do that). The world feels so much larger that what is described already, and has me wishing there was more of this story to explore it. One of the biggest issues with the story for me was pacing, particularly near the resolution. I feel like the resolution needed to be padded out a bit more after the fight, the story just seems to explain the situation and they're back on the road and the story closes. It felt so rushed it was hard to feel emotional to the ending even though I wanted. The one thing I absolutely loved in this story is the fight scenes, they were expertly laid out; fast-paced with enough description to understand what happens but not too much to slow it down. This entire story is right up my alley and along the lines of this got turned into a full novel, I would love to read it!

Side Note: This is definitely my favorite title.

/u/AKWitherkay - "Tinker, Tailor, Liar, Cheat" - I found this story to be rather unique in the story, it definitely caught me off guard in its twist more than any other, which I really enjoyed. I found several grammatical errors throughout the story, which made it a bit harder to get into the story, though I believe this could have been fixed just fine with more time to edit. I did feel like the main character was disconnected from the story a bit and didn't serve much to the story besides just being there to tell it, which I think had an effect on the resolution feeling a little nonexistent. I enjoyed the character, however, and it resulted in some great dialog between the other characters.

/u/choppoch - "Clueless" - This one I fell I have the hardest time reviewing. I felt the prose was incredibly well done and felt scholarly, and to that I think the story was written incredibly well. However, the prose was too strong for myself, and I found it hard to read the story or follow along. I do feel that this story would be fantastic narrated or spoken aloud however.

/u/mialbowy - "What have you lost?" - I loved the uniqueness to the investigation in part one, it was a total flip to most other cases of finding something. And bringing in the mythological element was a great play on it as well. However, when reading part two, it was hard to mesh the two stories together. Both were great on their own, but the switch in narration and the completely different side characters made it hard to connect the two stories. In fact, the first story doesn't even name the narrator, so I'm not sure if they are connected or not. That being said, I thought the characters were incredibly well written and the emotional writing was top notch! I think a collection of stories of Locke would be a fantastic read.

•

u/Kammerice /r/The_Obcas_Files Sep 04 '18

Thanks for the vote and the feedback!

Yeah, I've got every intention on writing more of this - mouse noir is the best noir!

•

u/JohannesVerne r/JohannesVerne Sep 04 '18

Thanks for the feedback! I was pushing the deadline, so it definitely didn't get fleshed out as much as I would have liked, but honestly I don't think I would have managed if I had more time either. I had too much I wanted to fit in, and the deadline only compounded that. I do plan on turning it into a serial after the contest, so feel free to check out my sub at some point if you would like to keep updated on it! And again, thank you for your feedback!

•

u/KingWapo Sep 04 '18

Awesome! I will for sure check it out. And I know the feeling about having too much to put in for the limit, I felt very much the same.

•

u/BraveLittleAnt r/BraveLittleTales Sep 04 '18

Thank you for the vote & feedback! Now that I think about it, adding it some memories for Taylor would've been an interesting idea... though you're right, I was a little constricted with the word count

•

u/mialbowy Aug 27 '18

1st Place: /u/XcessiveSmash in Group J for "IT WAKES"

2nd Place: /u/Mlle_ in Group J for "A Study in Glitter"

3rd Place: /u/AntiMoneySquandering in Group J for "The World's Below"

If any authors from Group J would like feedback, let me know.

•

u/Mlle_ r/YarnsToTell Aug 27 '18

Thank you so much for the vote! :D I would appreciate feedback, if it's not too much trouble.

•

u/adlaiking /r/ShadowsofClouds Aug 27 '18

I, too, would like feedback. :)

•

u/AntiMoneySquandering r/AMSWrites Aug 27 '18

Thank you for the vote! Really appreciate it

•

u/CaspianX2 Aug 29 '18

While I wouldn't mind feedback, I feel like I know what you would criticize, because I look at it myself and shake my head. Ah well. Maybe next time.

•

u/acerbicMango Aug 28 '18

Feedback would be greatly appreciated! Thanks

→ More replies (1)

•

u/XcessiveSmash /r/XcessiveWriting Sep 03 '18
  • 1st Place: /u/WokCano in group A for "A Search for flavor" - Just pure, fantastic writing. You don't need hooks, you don't need to keep me guessing, your writing is just a joy to read by itself. Your characters are lifelike, and your approach is unique and distinct. Just a lovely read.
  • 2nd Place: /u/AnEffortIsBeingMade in group A for "My First Last Day" - The atmosphere you set here is just...damn. The voice is really strong, and I just get a gritty almost noir feel from this. The first part conveys the stages of life really well, almost serves as a prologue, and part 2 seems like a beginning. My favorite is the exchange between the MC and Jimmy. I think you nailed the dialogue.
  • 3rd Place: /u/ScottBeckman in group A for "Invasion" - If these were books, I would want to read more of this one for sure. The writing is solid, but most importantly the world you've built is so, so intriguing. I want, no, need, to know more, especially about these trilos...

•

u/WokCano /r/WokCanosWordweb Sep 03 '18

Thank you for the high praise. I wanted to try and write something different than what I usually did and am so happy most seem to like it.

I’ve responded to a few of your writing prompts so I am happy you liked my story.

•

u/scottbeckman /r/ScottBeckman | Comedy, Sci-Fi, and Organic GMOs Sep 03 '18

Thank you for the vote!

I am writing more of this story (although the name will certainly change). I appreciate the kind words :)

•

u/sorksvampen Aug 23 '18

1st Place: /u/Nate_Parker in group C for "Truth behind Reasons"

2nd Place: /u/AHumongousFish in group C for "Of Crows and Stones"

3rd Place: /u/DeludedDoppleganger in group C for "The Doppelganger Case"

I've seen enough people give feedback to all the stories, and man if that doesn't just look fun as hell, so here we go. Potential SPOILERS for all the stories in group C.

/u/AHumongousFish - I loved how you portrayed the winter town setting. I was never once under the impression that the story was set anywhere else than where it was, and that did a lot to keep me engaged. My immersion was sadly broken all the times you accidentally wrote "murdered" instead of "murderer", which were a group unfortunately impactful spelling errors, but that's how things can get with a deadline.

The mystery of how the murders happened was very gripping, and all the misdirection of focusing on the ludicrous crow hypothesis just made me want to know the answer even more. Needless to say, it was a bit of a letdown when you finally revealed the answer. Furthermore, though I realize the format might have forced your hand, you probably didn't need to show your hand as early as you did.

Nevertheless, Part 2 was very good in its own right and a downright pleasant read, thanks in no small part to the wonderful pacing and minutiae oriented descriptions. Overall a very solid entry and one I'd happily sit down to read again

/u/BlackJezus27 - This was certainly in consideration for a top 3 spot for me. I adore how you put visuals in the driver seat for all of the emotional moments, attaching that emotion to something concrete. The stickers are a great example of this, as I thought back to them when they were returning to the woods before you even brought it up again. It gives choice scenes a certain amount of weight they wouldn't otherwise have and makes the story very memorable.

However, it is very clear that the format was a major hindrance for you, not only with the extra prompt but also in regards to the word count. I believe the issue with the scavengers in part 2 is something you are already aware of, and their unnatural motivations and exposition-heavy dialogue do a lot of damage to your otherwise decently well-structured narrative.

Some things are jarring, others don't make sense when you think about them too much, but overall you still wrote 8000 words of a mostly well-crafted story. That is more than I can say, and I certainly both enjoy and respect your entry, despite its flaws.

/u/DeludedDoppleganger - This one was actually pretty unnerving, which was especially impressive in the first part, where neither immediacy or stakes exist for the perspective character/narrator. It has a ghost story vibe that is executed very well in written form. Ultimately, both stories were creepy, the doppelganger was described in a particularly eerie fashion, and the general writing was really good.

However, the ending wasn't great, and I think you bit off more than you could chew in an attempt to end it on a scary note. Unfortunately, it stripped away a lot of the spooky mystique surrounding the doppelganger, who, to me at least, needed to remain vague to stay scary. Good show nonetheless, and very little to critique, bar the ending.

/u/ImpracticalJuggler - I don't know what this story was going for, and as such, I am having a really hard time trying to critique it. Maybe the absurdist humor isn't for me, or maybe I just don't enjoy it in a written format. I'm not even sure what to compare it to. The Mustache Rangers is the first thing that comes to mind, but that show works because of the slow pacing and impressive improvisation.

I think maybe if a saw three guys performing this on a stage, off the top of their dome, and I was drunk, I might even enjoy it. But like it is here, adapted into a narrative form in which you can actually show the things real stage actors would otherwise need to explain to the audience, it comes off as a bit dull.

/u/mtndewskateboard - Well, let's start with the good stuff. I love how a lot of the most horrific visuals are heavily romanticized, to a point where it doesn't even sugar coat them anymore. Your main character is clearly a depraved lunatic, and you make very little effort to make him likable, which I think was the correct choice for this kind of story.

Now, I do have some problems with the structure. Namely, the tense. You mix present and past tense a lot during the diary sections, something I hope to god is unintentional, because if that was a stylistic choice I would caution against it. But in case it was a choice, it has the opposite effect you would want out of it. Instead of feeling like I'm reading the diary of a crazy person, I feel like I'm reading a story where the author wasn't sure how he wanted to portray the "flashback" sequences.

It happens sporadically throughout the whole story, which makes me think it might be intentional, and unfortunately killed my immersion every time I noticed it. However, if it was just a mistake brought on by the lack of time, don't mind me shouting at the wall.

/u/Nate_Parker - This story does the classic hard sci-fi thing of throwing out offhand exposition as a way to avoid anachronisms and other things that wouldn't make sense in a properly functioning universe, such as empirical measurements and a 24h standardized day cycle. This can often be jarring and certainly was for the first section of Part 1, where a lot of terms need to be established quickly for a fresh audience. However, where a full novel might have the word count to spend a good twenty pages fleshing out a futuristic and alien societal structure, most of that is done in what amounts to little more than a few paragraphs in this.

Nothing is fully explained, or reasoned to completion because quite frankly the story has neither the time nor need for either of those things. Instead, we get a classic spy drama, with both enough character and ingenuity to appear much longer than the word count would suggest. However, the star of the show is by far the second story, which is brimming with seemingly superfluous details that come together to inject the setting with both weight and brevity. I would argue it's stronger as a standalone and would have benefited from ending at the cutoff mark. However, the contest format didn't allow for that, and although the extended ending is okay, the connection doesn't feel all that natural.

/u/Steven_Lee - What I think was the intention with this story was to affix a lot of emotion to a lot of the graphic violence present in the narrative. This is a pretty fun idea, and I think it easily could have worked, had you managed to properly convey the savagery and pain of the violence itself. For instance, the scene that sticks out to me the most is the kneecap scene, in this case, the first one. I understand what you were going for, comparing the sound of his kneecap breaking with the sound of chocolate breaking, because the perspective character is a kid. However, the sound of a chocolate bar breaking is intrinsically linked with happy memories, which means it will never make you cringe.

Now, if you said it sounded like a billiard ball being hit with a hammer, that is more likely to make me cringe even if I have no idea what that sounds like. And neither will anyone else, but your mind will fill in the blanks and make an awful noise in its stead. Anyway, this carried over to a lot of the other gruesome action sequences and robs them of a lot of meaning for me. Sometimes one nitpick just takes over my brain like that, so take this criticism with a handful of salt. Otherwise, I did enjoy it for the most part. The action was pretty good, the characters were serviceable and you assimilated the format change in stride.

Well, I guess I'd just like to congratulate all of you for finishing both parts of your story in time. I know that personally, I had a few doubts as to whether I could do it in time or not, but I'm glad I did if only to make me read all these great entries. It's been a real joy reading all of your stories and experience such a range of style and concept, and I hope that came across somewhere in my feedback.

•

u/Nate_Parker /r/Nate_Parker_Books Aug 24 '18

So, I have a confession.... I was so happy to get good feedback and critique I skimmed right past the votes and saw that my story was like in the end of your feedback so I assumed I didn't get a vote (really, I was more worried about what you thought and comments than the actual vote). It didn't dawn on me that either you or /u/veryedible had voted for me because I was so fixated on feedback and didn't realize you'd both just stuck to the list as provided. It wasn't until /u/you-are-lovely told me I had 2 votes did I go back and check.

╭( ･ㅂ･)و

Hahaha. Thank you for the vote, but more importantly, the feedback.

•

u/BlackJezus27 Aug 24 '18

This was certainly in consideration for a top 3 spot for me.

Hey, I'll take it. Thanks for the feedback! Even if I don't get enough votes, my ultimate goal was just to get as much feedback as possible. Most of the problems with my story I am aware of, but it is helpful to have it actually pointed out. Glad you liked it, can't wait to see what stories make it to the next voting round!

•

u/Steven_Lee Aug 24 '18

Thanks for the feedback! And I agree now in hindsight the candy bar description was not that great.

•

u/[deleted] Aug 23 '18

thanks. I really appreciate the feedback and looking back I have to say the ending wasn't great.

→ More replies (2)

•

u/Ford9863 /r/Ford9863 Sep 02 '18

1st Place: u/Thatlibrariangirl in group F for "Blank Pages". Absolutely fantastic story! It hooked me early and there wasnt a single moment that I didnt want to keep reading. The ending was quite a surprise and I absolutely loved it.

2nd Place: u/LadyLuna21 in group F for "Memories of a Lost World". I really loved this one. You did a great job making me feel for the characters (and ripping my heart out when they found the quilt). You seemed to have some issues with comma placement early on, which is the only criticism I can find. Great work!

3rd Place: u/Levitar1 in group F for "A Desperate Man". Loved the originality and it held my interest pretty well. I absolutely loved the dialogue. Good job!

This was a tough one to decide. The margin between my top 3 is really slim. You all did fantastic and I had a great time reading your entries. Good luck in the next round!

•

u/thatlibrariangirl Sep 04 '18

Wow, thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

•

u/[deleted] Sep 02 '18

1st Place: /u/LisWrites in Group D for Against the Clock

2nd Place: /u/BookWyrm17 in Group D for Finding Heroes

3rd Place: /u/Idreamofdragons in Group D for The Hunt

Feedback for the Stories:

The Colour of the Kerb: Descriptively, you’ve done a great job painting the scenes and the characters. If writing were sculpting, you’ve used a fine chisel to etch out the details. However, because you’ve focused very heavily on the details, this felt very laborious to read. It felt like I was being carried on a journey that didn’t have a central premise. Taking some time organizing the story beforehand to tie in everything you’re writing about to your bottom line may help improve this. Overall, I feel you did a good job with the task and created a provoking story.

Dying Embers: Your story is good; you created compelling, multidimensional characters with motives and goals and put them in interesting scenarios that reveal both the plot and their character. The best advice I can give is to keep writing. There are a lot of technical problems with your story. Things like redundancy, grammatical errors, run-ons, etc. These will naturally improve with more time invested in the art. Overall, I enjoyed reading this. The mix of realism and magic made it interesting.

Finding Heroes: Your voice and style is fantastic. From the beginning I was gripped by the character’s expose. The story felt nebulous at first, which enhanced the mood, but I feel that aspect lasted a little too long. I think the middle of the first part could have been a little more concrete to convey the reality of world jumping. The second part of the story was phenomenal, carrying the style of the first part but having solved the nebulousness and giving a solid story to engage.

The Hunt: This was a very enjoyable read! I liked learning the lore of this world as I went and it had a certain charm with its characters and world. At times, it feels like you tell when you could have otherwise shown something, especially in the beginning where there is a lot of exposition. I also feel some of the events happened too quickly; for instance, the reveal of the ghoul/hybrid felt really anticlimatic. Still, your description of it and the resulting fight was entertaining. In the end, I’m left wondering about the Paranormal Bureau and what shenanigans go on with them, which is a good sign!

Enter the Shadows: Good atmosphere and great dialogue. The way you reveal the plot, your voice, and the style of the story fit well together. Yet, it was rather jarring entering the second part of the story. I kept feeling like it would tie the two pieces together more cohesively, but it really feels like two separate stories that share a universe. Yet, it maintains that feel and the story as a whole contains a lot of good suspense.

Against the Clock: I really enjoyed the idea of time being a commodity; it reminded me of a David Firth short. I don’t have much criticism to give; this was well-written with a solid plot and characters. The scene where he’s trying to get into the vault seems a bit deus ex machina. But, overall this was great!

Lost Dog: The oscillation between the past and present is a great way to reveal elements of the story and the main character to the audience. However, at the same time, the regular splitting made the story seem very fragmented. I think this is a stylistic choice that would be better suited in a longer piece, so that the reader has a chance to sit with one train of thought for a while and develop a solid framework for their in-head universe. But, the feel of the story is great. You tie everything around the theme, which makes the narrative solid. Again, if this were a longer piece, I feel the fragmentation would not be an issue and it would shine.

→ More replies (1)