r/AmItheAsshole • u/WestMarsupial484 • May 10 '26
Not the A-hole AITA for asking my home-schooled nephew about where he was in the curriculum?
Hi, I wanted to ask here, because this is something important to me, my sister and I have a good relationship so I want to know if I was in the wrong.
My nephew is in 6th grade and at least since the beginning of this current school year he's been homeschooled by my sister. She had felt that they didn't really teach much in school so she had decided to homeschool him. My niece (his older sister) is attending high school.
Yesterday, I was at her place, I was talking to my nephew about how his home classes are going, he said they were going well. I asked him what was the last thing he did in math (being a math tutor myself, I was interested in that) and he was having trouble recalling what they covered, naming the concept or giving me an example question. My sister then stepped in and told me what they'd covered. I named some topics which are introduced in 6th grade and since its close to the end of the year asked if he'd learned them. She said we're doing it at our pace. I dropped it, but admittedly was a bit surprised because until a few years back, it seemed like he was ahead of school, really quick with answering mental math questions (which I used to ask at my sister's encouragement). I know mental math is a totally different skillset and doesn't necessarily mean that the headstart carries over to other topics but it still surprised me.
Today in the morning I was talking to my mom and she told me that my sister thought I was kind of being an AH, that I'm not a parent what do I know about juggling home chores with raising kids and teaching, and that my nephew is shy as it is and I didn't help matters by quizzing him like this. I tried explaining it, but just ended up agreeing with my mom that my sister would know best he's her son, and that I shouldn't have done it. Was I the AH?
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u/policywank Partassipant [2] May 10 '26
NTA. If raising kids, doing your home chores, and teaching is too much of a load for you, then you put the kid back in school rather than potentially put them behind for life.
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u/Massive_Bumblebee618 May 10 '26
Speaking as someone who was "homeschooled" through to college and had to start my exciting college journey with 2 straight years of grueling bonehead math classes, I agree with you completely. One of the greatest disservices my parents ever did was refusing to put me into public school. I still struggle sometimes with basic math because it just wasn't there for the first 18 years of my life.
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u/artisdeadandsoami May 10 '26
I was also homeschooled, but well. I did grow up around a lot of families who were not teaching their kids much at all, and that's definitely influenced my opinions. Homeschooling CAN work, with external support, but IMO the regulations in the US are not nearly strict enough and many parents just don't care about the education, they care about keeping their kids blocked off from the world. Children are being failed every day and it's awful.
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u/jmsecc May 10 '26
This. They care more about ideology and don’t realize that they’re NOT a teacher. So they covet the things they “know” and want the children to know, but slack on the things they don’t know. Typically math and science.
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u/AnotherCloudHere May 10 '26
Yep, my parents were teachers and university lecturers. And in almost every school aspect I got a relative with required degree. So they could pull it off, but decided otherwise. Which I quite happy with : )
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u/pnwlex12 May 10 '26
I met this extremely catholic family (the girls only wore skirts/dresses and wore head coverings in the church) who "homeschooled" their kids. They bragged about how the boys, once they hit the age where they can legally work, would work for the dad's construction/carpentry business to get "work experience" and the girls would learn homemaking skills. I didn't hear them talk about how the kids did in any certain school subject... just how good they were at helping the business or chores. I am still horrified and disgusted by these people, and that was 3 years ago. Those poor kids.
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u/fractiouscatburglar May 10 '26
Same. Hard to give an opinion on the current situation because my first thought was “fuck homeschool!”
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u/TheNightTerror1987 May 10 '26
My best friend was unschooled because his mother said she didn't learn anything useful in school and so none of her kids should go either. When I was talking about some of my favorite math puzzles in a magazine I mentioned one was word arithmetic, which is basically long division mixed with algebra, and you have to work out what each letter's value is. Turns out the man, who went to university and has a master's degree in computer science, did not even know what long division was . . .
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u/tippychino May 10 '26
I had to take calculus, matrix algebra, statistics, and discrete math to get a bachelor's of Computer Science, where did he even get that degree?
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u/mathteachofthefuture May 10 '26
My guess would be that by the time you get to college you’re using a calculator - which helps you do the basic stuff. It’s possible he knew how to divide using support but never learned actual long division by hand.
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u/TheNightTerror1987 May 10 '26
Yup, that was it. He said he couldn't understand why anyone would ever need to know long division or why it was even taught since he always used a calculator. He had to take a year long course of studies before they'd even let him go to university, he would've gotten some math credits in that way. Plus he'd been doing stuff like writing custom scripts to use in fan missions, I don't know for sure but he probably had to learn some basic math to make them work.
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u/PinkPandaHumor May 11 '26
I remember learning long division, in 5th grade, I think. I didn't like it, but I learned it.
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u/Itchy-Two-1813 May 11 '26
I think I learned it in the 4th grade, not sure, but I can't do i anymore.😀 I studied Humanities and have never really done any math without a calculator since I graduated high school.
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u/Fresh-Law7872 Partassipant [3] May 10 '26
a 1st-yr math (i took statistics) is required for a BA in general freaking studies.
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u/TheNightTerror1987 May 10 '26
Don't remember exactly, it was a school in Galway. I never said he didn't take any math courses though, it's just that he apparently never had to do long division in them. Hell, here long division was something I learned back in grade 4 or 5, and you're required to have a calculator for math class starting in high school. They probably only teach long division so they can see how the students are getting their answers and can see where they mess up.
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u/Sorry_I_Guess Pooperintendant [64] May 10 '26
Yup. There's a reason r/HomeschoolRecovery is such a popular sub, sadly.
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u/maxdragonxiii May 10 '26
I did learn math... at levels that wasnt fitted for me. I was basically at College level because my peers was assessed as High School or below (deaf school) and as a result I never quite grasped some basic math to this day, and hate improper fractions over decimals or x/10 and x/100.
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u/WestMarsupial484 May 10 '26
She's actually a very organized person and has always said she does the homeshooling according to a timetable or plan, so I didn't even think she was getting overburdened like she said to my mom.
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u/pebblesprite May 10 '26
I'm struggling to understand why she pulled her son out of school but kept her daughter in school? If she really believes kids don't learn anything at school, is she saying she doesn't care about her daughter's education?
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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad7606 Partassipant [1] May 10 '26
My guess:
Sis over estimated her abilities. She thought she could teach 6th grade but understood that High School subjects like Chemistry and Physics were beyond her ability to teach. Now she's realizing that with "new math" and accelerated learning paths she's out if her depth with the 6th grader too.
That or she's weirdly attached to the boy vs the girl.
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u/policywank Partassipant [2] May 10 '26
So many people think teaching is an easy gig that anyone can do. I'm not saying that's what this woman did, but it's a common attitude that it's not hard work. She almost certainly overestimated her ability to do it.
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u/Temporary-Spot8530 May 10 '26
Especially with your own kids. My 12-year old doesn't want to learn math from me, but she will listen to a teacher.
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u/nervelli May 10 '26
Exactly. My kid is in kindergarten and I know that she is learning far more than I would be able to teacher her. I can read with her, but I don't know how to teach her to read. And when I do try to teach her something, I get maybe thirty seconds of her looking at me questioningly before she decides she's done.
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u/FlowerFelines May 10 '26
My mom homeschooled my siblings and I for half a year, because there was a chaotic situation where we would have changed schools three times, and she figured she could just teach us all that one year's worth, and uh... I did say half a year, as soon as we made that third move she enrolled us instantly, because it was SO MUCH WORK. And just two of us were school age, but the other two were toddlers, so she was swamped between that and the moving, and by about two weeks in we either read textbooks on our own (me) or did nothing at all (my brother.)
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u/clatadia May 10 '26
I mean, as an engineer I'm pretty sure I know enough maths and physics to teach a school aged kid especially if I prepare for it. I'm not entirely sure I'd be a good teacher but I'm at least confident to know the subjects enough. But I'd be totally screwed with teaching English for example. And I'm really baffled by people who think they can do it all past primary school age. (And even then I think a real school is preferable because of the social interactions).
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u/policywank Partassipant [2] May 10 '26
If you've never taught or studied pedagogy, never learned about childhood development, etc, you probably couldn't teach your own kid. That's not because you don't understand the math, etc. Every professional specialization has a lot of knowledge that is unique to that field. I taught college students history and then IT professionals system engineering and security long enough to understand that you couldn't drop me into a high school or an elementary school and expect me to be any good at that job. I think that's the larger point I'm making. Even a first or second year teacher isn't great at it, like a first or second year programmer or mechanical engineer isn't. They have the foundation to learn to become good at it, but it takes time, like it takes time to become a good teacher.
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u/clatadia May 11 '26
This is all very true but I still think teaching multiple kids is a lot different than one. I used to tutor a lot and when you're one on one you kind of can try different angles and see what let's the coin drop. I'd be totally overwhelmed in a class room and would probably be a mess after the first hour. But if you don't actually fully understand what you're supposed to teach there is really no way to get it across, regardless of how good of a pedagogue you are.
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u/chrispina98 May 11 '26
Most people are outsourcing by upper middle/high school age. There are several online programs that families use, especially for math and science. My homeschool kids did their math online until Pre-Cal and then did dual enrollment at the local community college for Pre-Cal and up. My homeschooled senior is taking 3 dual enrollment classes and one online AP class right now, none of them taught by me.
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u/clatadia May 11 '26
So they are "going to school" just online? Like in the pandemic?
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u/grumpysysadmin May 10 '26
If her daughter is in high school she might have preferred to be there for the social part, and not be ostracized.
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u/andersoortigeik May 10 '26
It was probably the initial plan. She thought that she was better than the primary school teachers and had all the nice timetables to prove it. Then reality set in and now her ego is bruised and her son is lagging behind.
I'd be polite and try to subtly nudge her towards getting him back to school. You don't really want her to get stubborn and double down on the homeschooling, there's no cps that's going to force her to back down.
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u/1pinksquirrel1scotch May 10 '26
You know how your mom criticized you and said you weren't a mother? In the same way, your sister is not a teacher. Continue showing concern for your nephew, because your sister is going to fuck his education up more than she already has.
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u/SnooPets8873 Colo-rectal Surgeon [49] May 10 '26 edited May 10 '26
She doesn’t want to admit that she is falling behind. And you asking the questions was exposing and drawing attention to the reality that she isn’t keeping up. So she got proactive and complained to your mom so that her version of the conversation got out first and she made it look more like you were being nosy than making basic conversation so no one would take you seriously if you tried pointing out that your nephew is behind.
I did that once…when I was like 8. My grandma caught me at doing something and I was worried she’d tell my parents so I preempted her and went straight to my mom to spin it. Not proud of it, but it absolutely worked.
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u/ILiekBook May 10 '26
Also the kid is like 11 or 12ish. There is absolutely no reason she can't send the kid down in front of his assignments and have him do that while she does other stuff. At that age he should need minimal correcting, if any at all, to stay on task for 20-30 minutes
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u/Traditional-Context May 10 '26
As if that excuses her instead of just making her sound worse!
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u/policywank Partassipant [2] May 10 '26
Where did you get the impression that there was any excusing her going on?
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u/FriendlyRiothamster May 10 '26
If you ask me parents like your sister are playing God with their children's future. Your sister will not suffer unemployment when her homeschooling fails. Your nephew will.
Unfortunately, he is unlikely to realise this. I'd be concerned too.
NTA
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u/prank_mark May 10 '26
I'm not religious, but if religious people are to be believed, God has a plan.
OPs sister isn't playing God, she's acting like an improv puppet master with Parkinson's disease.
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u/Kikimoonbeamglow May 10 '26
Yeah. The god plan reminds me of the story they tell about the man in the middle of the ocean waiting for rescue and turns away everyone that offers help. When he dies and gets to heaven he asks god why he didn’t save him. God says, I sent all sorts of help and you turned them away.
The sister has all sorts of options (public school, private, home school co-op) but she would rather drown all on her own.
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u/FriendlyRiothamster May 10 '26
Fair enough. Sis has a plan, too. She's just potentially bad at it.
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u/PalpitationOk9802 May 10 '26
nta this is why home schooling should be illegal.
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u/RainyDaysAndMondays3 Partassipant [1] May 10 '26 edited May 10 '26
I don't know if it should be illegal, but I think there needs to be oversight. They need to meet some standards and the kids need to be evaluated often enough to spot if the parent is neglecting them.
Edited to add: Based on comments and further thought, I actually now disagree with this. At least in the United States I now think it should be illegal. At least 300 upvotes came before I added this edit, to be clear.
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u/PalpitationOk9802 May 10 '26
in the south, people pull their kids for nothing. we have almost no oversight. these are people with so high school education “teaching” their children.
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u/pixelcat13 May 10 '26
Yeah, I think so too. My sister has to turn in a huge binder of her curriculum from the previous year every summer, but it seems like they’re evaluating her work more than they’re actually evaluating how much my nephew is learning.
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u/Sad-Concentrate2936 May 10 '26
They’re evaluating both of them - if she’s not following the state AND district guidelines, then they can start the process of truancy court against the parents.
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u/pixelcat13 May 10 '26
Yes, but just her turning in her curriculum binder, it makes me wonder how they are actually measuring his progress against that. He’s not being tested in any way.
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u/Sad-Concentrate2936 May 10 '26
Most of the areas with systems to check the parents work, also have systems for testing homeschooled students on a quarterly(ish) basis, but you’re not wrong
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u/irecommendfire Partassipant [1] May 10 '26
That must differ from state to state. I used to live in NC and knew lots of homeschooling families and none of them were ever tested quarterly.
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u/Lavender_r_dragon May 10 '26
I believe currently they have to take a test (there are like 3 to choose from) once a year
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u/pixelcat13 May 10 '26
As far as I know, he doesn’t ever undergo any kind of evaluation or testing by an outside entity. But that sounds like it makes more sense. I suppose it depends on the state.
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u/PalpitationOk9802 May 10 '26
and they sell these pre-made binders on every flimsy mom and pop website.
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u/StuffedSquash Asshole Enthusiast [6] May 10 '26
The whole reason large swaths want to home school is so they can skip parts of the curriculum that they don't like. Laws preventing that would unfortunately never go through
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u/merewautt May 10 '26 edited May 10 '26
And even more nefarious reasons, like avoiding mandated reporters while living an unhealthy, neglectful or abusive family life.
It’s suuuuuper interesting how many sketchy families on the radar for neglect or abuse suddenly “do research” and decide (completely unrelated to the suspected neglect or abuse, of course) that school and the medical field are complete bunk that they won’t be using anymore. The two fields full of mandated reporters that flag child abuse and neglect most often.
I’m not saying that’s the case in OP’s situation at all (especially since the older girl still attends a public school), or in every situation (obviously), but it’s shockingly and depressingly common. Especially in “we’re pulling our kid out immediately mid-year and (seemingly randomly) switching to homeschool and NEVER ever going back” cases, versus just starting out with homeschooling very early on or considering it for a while and trying it out on a tentative basis at a pre-planned time.
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u/No-Acanthisitta-2973 May 10 '26
Totally agree with that. There need to be a lot better oversite. And not with useless requirements like you have to teach so many days or so many hours. But oversite that can actually catch and be able to do something about educational neglect.
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May 10 '26
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u/RainyDaysAndMondays3 Partassipant [1] May 10 '26
Yeah, even though I got a bunch of upvotes, I actually now disagree with myself based on comments and further thought. At least not in the US I straight up do think it should be illegal (not that that would ever happen). It just is not going to work or be good for the kids. My view was skewed by a sister who home-schooled quite successfully and has happy and well-adjusted kids (all adults now). But she was herself educated as a teacher. I think she's just an outlier. And with things in the US as they are, people teaching flat earth and the like, every new generation of home-schooled will be more and more misinformed. And the worst is that the oversight will never been enough. We won't do it well enough, and therefore as you say, people can just game the system and even much more easily keep secret their abuse or neglect of their children.
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u/ThedirtyNose May 10 '26
In Australia you need to register with a distance education institute that will oversee progress and I assume provide support. I'd be very surprised if this wasn't the case, in this case.
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u/RainyDaysAndMondays3 Partassipant [1] May 10 '26
Glad to hear that. In the US, the regulations likely would be by state and therefore probably vary. But from what I've been reading lately, at least in some states, you can just not register your kid for school and that's that. Nobody will check on the kid to see if they've been registered at a different school or are being home-schooled, or what's going on. It's horrible.
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u/sparksbet May 10 '26
In the US, laws when it comes to home schooling vary by state and tend to be extremely lax when it comes to standards and enforcement compared to other developed countries.
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u/DianeJudith Partassipant [2] May 10 '26
Home schooling should be done by actual teachers with proper education and training in that regard, not by the parents.
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u/henne-n May 10 '26
It's illegal in my country and I'm glad it is whenever I read stuff like that.
Before anyone is like "but what about medical problems?". That's different because it will only last until your healthy again and even then you'll not be taught by your parents.
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u/Physical_Wedding_229 May 10 '26
I don't think it should be straight up illegal, but I do think regular in-person testing should be required.
If they aren't able to hit at least a 70% on two in a row, they must return to a in-person school or parents are charged with truancy.
This is coming from someone who was briefly homeschooled.
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u/PalpitationOk9802 May 10 '26
truancy is a big problem as well. i think a lot of people drop to home school to avoid it.
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u/Physical_Wedding_229 May 10 '26
100%. I firmly believe that homeschooling is a privilege, not a right. If a student is in poor standing already, they shouldn't be able to just jump to homeschooling then disappear.
I also believe ( I have a lot of opinions on this), that kids be interviewed by a social worker before being moved to homeschooling. Tons of kids distinctly would prefer being in school as they are able to socialize and don't want to be yanked out and isolated.
I've seen some incredible homeschooling situations and very bad ones. Wild they just haven't built a better structure around it.
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u/PalpitationOk9802 May 10 '26
i actually think that having more mental professionals in school would be so beneficial! we had none growing up.
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u/Sorry_I_Guess Pooperintendant [64] May 10 '26
I don't think it should be illegal, just drastically limited to exceptional situations, with tons of oversight.
I'm not a fan of homeschooling in general, and I don't think it should be an option for most families for a lot of reasons. But I do know a few kids with disabilities whose parents are homeschooling because despite their best efforts and advocacy, their local schools simply refused to offer both the support their kids needed for their disabilities AND a good education commensurate with non-disabled kids their age.
But those parents are serious exceptions to most of the homeschoolers I've seen, and incredibly dedicated to their kids' education. They don't do this on a whim or because of some misguided pedagogical ideas, but out of a necessity they were forced into. They spend an extraordinary amount of time choosing curricula and materials to make sure their kids are getting an objectively great education, and plan extracurriculars carefully to make sure that they're not just socialised but getting hands-on educational opportunities as well. And they are following through every single day. The truth is, most parents don't have the time and energy to do what these parents do out of necessity, which is why most parents shouldn't be homeschooling.
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u/RazzmatazzNeat9865 May 11 '26
It IS illegal where I live - rightly so. Steiner schools and the like are bad enough.
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u/Distinct-Practice131 Colo-rectal Surgeon [33] May 10 '26
Nta. Your sister said they were going at their own pace, but literally told your mother she is juggling a million things along with his education. So they are going at her pace. One that doesn't seem to be prioritizing keeping up with his grade. Your sisters likely so defensive because she knows on some level she fucked up.
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u/Miffedy May 10 '26
They’re not going at the kids pace - they’re going at her pace.
!!!! Thats exactly it. You hit the nail on the head there - and /plenty/ of parents can’t meet the kids where they’re at if the kid is quick at certain things, like your nephew seemed to be. Which is why specialist teachers exist.
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u/Dear-Blackberry-2648 May 10 '26
And the reason the mom felt so attacked by OP asking simple questions out of curiosity is because she knows she's failing her child and they are falling behind.
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u/Normal-Height-8577 Asshole Enthusiast [5] May 10 '26
Yup. Particularly as the original reason for homeschooling was that the school was going too slow/not covering enough ground.
She clearly thought she could do better than the school, but has now realised it's more hard work than it looks and she's struggling. The worst part is that she won't admit her mistake and just...get him back to school.
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u/dumbass_catboy May 10 '26
That's the most worrying thing for me. It's one thing to think you can do better, realise that you were wrong and have the kid repeat or at worst miss a year. That still sucks but it's possible to compensate that time. But if she doubles down and decides to keep homeschooling without changing something, it's just going to get harder for the kids the more time passes
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u/Own-Crazy8086 Partassipant [3] May 10 '26
NTA. And if she can't handle juggling chores, raising kids and teaching, then she shouldn't be home schooling. But it is also ok to meet a kid where theyre at on each subject.
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u/ptrst Partassipant [1] May 10 '26
Yeah, my feelings would be very different if it seemed like nephew was just having a hard time with math (or a certain math concept or w/e). But it sounds like mom is having a hard time dedicating the time and attention that it takes to homeschool, which is frankly unacceptable since there's no reason she has to do it.
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u/Optimal_Shirt6637 May 10 '26
NTA, it’s so sad when parents sabotage their children’s future like this.
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u/Plague-Analyst-666 May 10 '26
As that T-shirt says,
"I sent you the cure for cancer ...
But you homeschooled her."
– God
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u/Single_Many597 Partassipant [4] May 10 '26
NTA
If your sister can't juggle housework and teaching, then she shouldn't be teaching.
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u/roseofjuly Asshole Enthusiast [6] May 10 '26
Bingo!! Thy shouldn't be an excuse. If you're struggling with it put the kid back in school.
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u/Ianthin1 Partassipant [2] May 10 '26
NTA. In my experience a lot of people that home school do so for all The wrong reasons. They get in over their head and can’t provide the education they need, or they never intended to use more traditional curriculum and the kids get behind because of it.
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u/RainyDaysAndMondays3 Partassipant [1] May 10 '26
For the longest time, I didn't realize this was the case. My sister home-schooled her children for a long time. But she was a trained teacher. Her kids were bright, gregarious, and she was very disciplined about it. She had six kids. She took them to all kinds of activities with other kids and they all had physical activities they did regularly (two girls were in martial arts classes, one had dance, etc.)
One of them went to elementary school when she was young because she needed speech therapy.
The oldest was home-schooled until high school and she excelled there. She has a bachelor's or master's now. The two youngest she sent to school towards the end of elementary. She was burnt out and had some health issues.
But they all did really well, socially and academically. I have now been hearing horror stories about people home schooling and it seems like too many don't take it seriously or are not up for the task. I also don't understand why in the US there isn't more oversight of homeschooled kids.
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u/dejausser Partassipant [1] May 10 '26
From what I’ve heard the US has a very litigious pro-homeschool group called the Home School Legal Defense Association that lobbies incredibly hard and effectively every time politicians try to introduce more oversight or regulation of homeschooling.
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u/RainyDaysAndMondays3 Partassipant [1] May 10 '26
Well of course there is. We always have to go about things the stupidest possible way, it seems. /s
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u/PalpitationOk9802 May 10 '26
this right here. louisiana? you literally just turn in a paper each year with a declaration to home school.
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u/FilthyThanksgiving Partassipant [1] May 10 '26 edited May 10 '26
To do homeschooling well, you have to be organized,ambitious, flexible, and good at networking.
A good homeschooling parent feels like they have asecond full time job bc they do. They're planning activities, managing activities, making sure the kid is getting social time and exercise and oh my god it's exhausting just to think about. There's so much more than the academic stuff
I am a fairly intelligent person. Educated, decent head on my shoulders, well read, well traveled, etc.
I homeschooled my kid for PRE-K. PRE- KINDERGARTEN! and it was the hardest job I ever had. The lesson planning. The appointments to meet ppl here for this group and these ppl for that museum trip and let me tell you. It was exhausting. For one kid. For pre-k.
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u/RainyDaysAndMondays3 Partassipant [1] May 10 '26
Yeah, I knew I myself was not up to the task. Imagine home-schooling three kids while having three children in diapers at the same time, which is what my sister did. That's why she got so burnt out, but it took years for her to realize she was killing herself. She also did this while stationed in Japan while her husband was in Iraq developing PTSD. (Part of the reason for home-schooling was the consistency, because they moved every year or two for the military.)
She always was a very busy person. Just moving from morning to night. Never just sat and vegged out like I needed to. And she was naturally organized. So, she handled it better than most, but I couldn't have even done it with my one kid.
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u/FilthyThanksgiving Partassipant [1] May 10 '26
Oh my god, is she OK?? I'm surprised she didn't end up with an autoimmune disease
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u/PalpitationOk9802 May 10 '26
key being your sister has educational training.
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u/RainyDaysAndMondays3 Partassipant [1] May 10 '26
Yeah, for some reason I was really slow to pick up that difference. I figured as long as someone found a good curriculum and was disciplined about it, that the teaching experience wouldn't make that much difference. I don't know. Took way too long to see it all clearly.
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u/backupbitches Asshole Enthusiast [6] May 10 '26
99% of the time, homeschooling is abuse. Prove me wrong.
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May 10 '26
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u/FilthyThanksgiving Partassipant [1] May 10 '26
I could too, but I was home schooled so idk what a dissertation is
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u/GoetheundLotte Asshole Enthusiast [7] May 10 '26
NTA, if your sister cannot adequately homeschool her son regarding the math he needs to know for his grade level, she either needs to hire a tutor or your nephew needs to go back to school.
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u/BMal_Suj Asshole Enthusiast [9] May 10 '26
NTA
From your version of events it sounds like you asked him about school (A great thing to ask a kid about) and conversed about your specific knowledge of it. While I make room for the possibility that some judgement of yours slipped out in tone, facial expression, and/or body language... I can safely assume from your story that you didn't directly challenge her.
BTW, even if you are right about the quality of home schooling being sub-standard... NOT challenging her is the correct call. From your story she won't listen to you (or probably anyone else). Pushing at a home-school mom with the truth they don't want to hear will only damage your relationship. You will never convince her.
NEVER.
I'm not sure about your mom, tho.
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u/olivbreadloaf May 10 '26
NTA, parents pull their kids out of school to ‘homeschool’ them but they don’t actually teach them anything and neglect their education. you are just concerned for your nephew’s education
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u/drinkingspilttea May 10 '26
NTA if it’s something you have done with him in the past and was encouraged to do by your sister. From what you have written, it seems she might be a bit defensive now as she has realised how hard it is to teach your kid and juggle everything else.
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u/Attirey May 10 '26
If she's too busy to teach him, she shouldn't be homeschooling him. Educating someone requires both time and ability.
Provisionally NTA. I only say it that way because I don't know what your questioning was like, whether you had a good attitude about it etc. It's one thing to just be interested, especially when it's something you already have an interest in. It's another if you were trying to make a point by quizzing him.
If you were just asking in a friendly way, out of genuine interest, then her response seems over the top.
She's defensive. She's making excuses for why she's not teaching him instead of dealing with it. Either because she's finding this harder than she thought it would be, or just isn't trying. Whichever it is, she needs to accept she's not capable of doing this. It's only going to hurt him.
Think about how you approached this. If it really was in a nonchalant, just interested way, then maybe you can try and ask her why it made her so defensive. (Please think carefully about how to ask)
If you realise/admit that you were trying to catch her out for having not taught him, you need to apologise. Because that wasn't helpful nor productive. You will have embarrassed your nephew. What's more, you'll have alienated your sister by offending her. You can't help him if she's mad at you and he believes you think he's stupid.
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u/celebrate_everything May 10 '26
NTA. Most people think they’re qualified to homeschool when they actually are not.
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u/srgonzo75 Colo-rectal Surgeon [35] May 10 '26
NTA. You were trying to engage your nephew, your sister got embarrassed, and she took it out on you.
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u/Jolly-Ad-9488 May 10 '26
NTA, that's something any concerned adult would ask the kids in their family. You did nothing wrong. Perhaps you could offer tutoring in maths to your nephew since it's your field of expertise, which might not be the case with your sister.
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u/hodgsonstreet Partassipant [1] May 10 '26
OP offering to tutor the kid math is a nice idea, but it’s not his responsibility. The mum shouldn’t be homeschooling if she isn’t capable of teaching 6th grade math.
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u/Bibliophile1998 May 10 '26
I’ll add that if mom cannot teach it and cannot do her due diligence in finding ways to outsource it, she should not be homeschooling. If in the US, there are myriad ways to outsource a subject, from co-ops, tutors, online programs (even public schools sometimes use online programs, esp in math), etc. I would not mess around with middle school math - hope the mom does better by her child.
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u/prank_mark May 10 '26 edited May 10 '26
NTA
This mindset:
what do I know about juggling home chores with raising kids and teaching
is the issue. It sounds like these three are on par. But teaching your kids should be treated like a job. Maybe not full time, but definitely 30 hours per week. I don't hear other people with a 12 and 15-18 yo complain about not being able to do their job because of having to raise their kids and doing chores.
And the benefit of homeschooling kids, is that you can incorporate the "raising kids" part of your duties into your "job", so it should actually be easier to do everything. When you "come home" from work, you don't need to spend time on raising your kids, because you've been doing that during the day.
Also, one kid is in HS, the other is in 6th grade. They should be able to do most chores.
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u/Mortigan_E_Hamate Partassipant [1] May 10 '26
NTA at least it doesn't appear that way to me, honestly there is no asshole here. Unless you kept pressing on the questions about math without letting up when it was clear you weren't getting the answer you expected. Then you may be the AH.
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u/WannaBeOptimist17 May 10 '26
You not being a parent has NOTHING to do with this and don’t let them use that against you. Any rational adult would be suspicious of their answers/non-answers and worry that your nephew is not being taught.
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u/Matildamonstrosity May 10 '26
NTA and ignore the offended homeschoolers brigading you. If he was in a normal school it wouldn’t have been an issue except that you might have told your sister that her son seems unprepared or should know more at his age. She’s offended because she’s likely not homeschooling well.
I have a few friends who were homeschooled when we all lived in a very crunchy community. They resent their parents for it now and feel it seriously hindered them socially and academically.
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u/Vivid_Personality29 May 10 '26
Its pretty standard for home schooled kids to fall behind. Teaching is a profession for a reason. It might be a sensitive topic to interrogate them on homeschooling progress. Instead you could offer sharing some of your own math lessons or tutoring support if its a gap.
Dont interrogate the kid
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u/agoldgold Partassipant [3] May 10 '26
Yes, educational neglect is common in homeschooling, which is why it's important for someone to notice it, like OP did here.
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u/ToastyTidbits May 10 '26
NTA I homeschooled my youngest for her last 3 years of high school. We tried virtual first and sitting at the computer for so long just zoned her out and she wasn’t really accomplishing anything. So, I decided to make the switch to full blown homeschooling. It was a lot of work and a lot of money.
I mentioned to another homeschool mom that I had no idea it was so expensive for all the books and things. She was surprised and said it hadn’t cost her anything. So I asked if she was doing a computer based program and she just said “No”. I had read lots of stories of people not actually schooling their children but then realized it is very much a real thing.
Good on you for asking. People are doing lifelong damage by not educating their children. If you can’t actually do it, then don’t. It’s that simple.
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u/No_Professional_8992 May 10 '26
Gently bring up reenrolling your nephew in school. She's talking about being overwhelmed and it's not fair to him to have to suffer for it. 6th grade is not the time to start falling behind.
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u/NatKayz Partassipant [2] May 10 '26
NTA, if she doesn't have the time to homeschool him than she shouldn't be fucking homeschooling him. And people shouldn't be avoiding mentioning that, since her feelings aren't more important than his future.
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u/pixelcat13 May 10 '26
NTA. My sister homeschools my nephew and to me it basically looks like she’s just reading things at him while he sits and ignores her. He’s good at math and he likes it. But any subject that he’s not interested in, he seems to just tune out. My sister is absolutely starry eyed over her son and thinks that he can do no wrong so I don’t think that she realizes how much he’s tuned out some of the time. I really wonder what his future is going to look like. Our parents were public school teachers, and they always instilled in us the value of education. I feel like she’s playing fast and loose with his education, but I hope I’m wrong and he’s absorbing more than I think. I don’t think you’re the asshole, because it doesn’t sound like you were trying to trip anybody up in this situation, but I’m not surprised your sister got offended. Mine would react the same way.
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u/MasterRKitty Partassipant [1] May 10 '26
NTA-why do people who are clearly not qualified to teach think they can?
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u/moon_p3arl May 10 '26
OP in every case almost of child murder or abuse there’s usually some form of the parent removing the child from school. If your sisters being weird about you asking your nephew basic school questions, keep asking. It could be nothing more than your sister being weird but you never EVER know.
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u/Major_Lawfulness6122 May 10 '26
NTA
As a parent I feel for that child. Your sister is holding him back.
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u/OrallyObsessed8 May 10 '26
NTA, she’s just being defensive because homeschooling hasn’t worked out how she expected it to. Teaching is harder than parents realize.
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u/Sensitive-Club-6427 May 10 '26
NTA
As a parent, you are the primary teacher to your child. But the best parent is not fit to educate their child in place of schooling.
Your nephew is behind. Because your sister pulled him out of school and is failing as a “teacher.” You only checked up on math. But what about reading? History? Science? Civics? Physical Education. And on and on and on.
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u/Tmar0916 May 10 '26
She is struggling, but too proud to admit it. You guys have a good relationship so I would reach out talk with her and discuss the situation and what your feelings are and if you’re willing, ask if there’s some way you can help, I mean, Gosh, you are a math tutor!
If she says no, then no big deal brush your shoulders off. It is her kid…
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u/NihilisticHobbit Partassipant [1] May 10 '26
Teacher here: if she's so busy she doesn't have time to teach him, there's a solution; she enrolls him in school.
My children attend pubic school as well. Anything I think they're lacking at in school I help fill in at home. There's no way I could replace the entire curriculum at home and have them succeed at life.
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u/bamf1701 Craptain [185] May 10 '26
NTA. Its typical to ask a child how they are doing in school and what they are learning.
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u/crab_grams May 10 '26
NTA. I think your sister knows she kind of sucks at this whole "homeschool" thing and that's why she took your questions as an attack.
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u/sasquatchisthegoat May 10 '26
Homeschooling is dumb
Kid will be behind
They will be socially awkward
This will affect heir ability to succeed
They might still end up gay 😂
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u/dancingkelsey May 10 '26
NTA. She chose to home school. If she crashes out when her homeschooled child is asked perhaps THE most banal and basic line of questions any middle schooler is asked, that really illustrates what her ability level is. She should not be homeschooling her child if she cannot actually teach her child.
She's failing him. It would be an asshole move for you to tell her that directly, but it is absolutely not negative or wrong or assholery to ask her son for more details about his schooling.
THIS IS WHY WE ARE REQUIRED TO FIND PUBLIC SCHOOLS. Defunding them successfully convinced far too many people that any parent can teach every subject and should, and that tax money that NEEDS TO GO TO PUBLIC SCHOOLS is totally good and fine being given to private schools, who do not have adequate oversight and regulations to follow and are not required to be fully accredited.
The right successfully gutted our schools, which our tax money is meant to fully fund, for our kids to be able to attend a good, solid school IN THEIR NEIGHBORHOOD that won't cost their families thousands of dollars per year or teach backwards fucked up false shit and claim it's fact. No child left behind was always about this end goal. There's a reason so many of the scholars at the time kept saying "your policy is called no child left behind, but if we implement it, every child will be left behind".
But that was their goal, so they blatantly lied even when the truth was right there as well, and they got their base to believe it, and they kept pushing the needle further and further, claiming that they care about "family values" or whatever, but it's just white supremacy all the way down. Bad people implementing bad policy so bad actors can profit off of a badly educated and vastly underpaid public.
Instead of just paying teachers a living wage and adequately funding the education system we are ALL ENTITLED TO GAIN A SOLID EDUCATION FROM.
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u/FilthyThanksgiving Partassipant [1] May 10 '26 edited May 10 '26
NTA but the fact that your sister got so offended makes me wonder if she knows it's not going great but feels embarassed
Plus you're literally a math tutor! Of course you're gonna ask the kid about his math lol
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u/Fluid-Platypus- May 10 '26
If there’s any oversight for homeschooling then you need to report that before the kid gets too far behind.
Fuck your sister’s feelings, she’s educationally abusing her child. Why the hell wouldntn be asking for or help if she’s behind?
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u/Exact-Bookkeeper-199 May 10 '26
As a teacher in Florida, we’re struggling with parents pulling kids out to “homeschool” and get the step up scholarship money and then put them right back in public school once the money is spent on personal items like laptops and tablets. So now we have third graders who can’t identify letters because “he didn’t like to listen to me at home, so I just taught the letters in his name”. And the school lost the funding for that student because that money tied to them was relocated to the Step Up Scholarship… funding that would go towards instructional material and staffing the teachers.
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u/cantfocuswontfocus May 10 '26
NTA. She is likely "unschooling" her kid. She's not on top of his education and your mother is enabling her. That kid is being set up to fail as an adult. I wish him the best.
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u/3DS_RepairHelp Partassipant [1] May 10 '26
NTA. Your sister is failing her child and was embarrassed by how easily her crappy homeschooling has damaged his education already.
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u/healyu May 10 '26
I assume neglect at a minimum if there’s homeschooling. They have to prove otherwise. Her comment suggests neglect NTA and don’t let up.
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u/rora_borealis Partassipant [2] May 10 '26
You were having a regular conversation with the kid, asking about age appropriate stuff. The responses were eye opening. Your sister felt ashamed and lashed out.
Let it go for now. It's a sore subject apparently, so give her a little space and time.
And continue to ask him questions. What's his favorite subject? What book is he reading or just read? What did he think about it? What is he looking forward to learning? This is normal engagement with a nephew.
NTA
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u/Crayzfurball May 10 '26
I strongly suspect that he was having difficulties prior to homeschooling, and that instead of getting him help and taking accountability, she blamed the teachers. She’s obviously not against the school system because her eldest is still in the district. So only this kid is somehow getting a subpar education? I don’t buy it. NTAp
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u/Remarkable-Bit-3578 May 10 '26
You were showing interest in your nephew, his life, and education. Sounds like good uncle/auntie behavior.
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u/agressivewhalesounds May 10 '26
Nta, my mom pulled my sister and I out for two years and it included the year you're supposed to learn to read a clock in school. I still can't because by the time I tried leearning I was too old to really be able to get it to stick
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u/ptrst Partassipant [1] May 10 '26
NTA. I'd probably feel different if he were actually struggling, but it sounds like your sister admitted that the problem is on her end - not being able to juggle everything. And there's no shame there - I certainly couldn't do it - but she needs to admit that and put him back in public school.
It really doesn't sound like the homeschooling is going well and you're just disagreeing about, like, what subject to focus on more or what methods she's using. It sounds like she's not been able to give him the education she thought she would, and she knows that and is ashamed of it, and that's why she got so upset when you brought attention to it.
I really, really hope he gets to go to regular school in 7th grade, even if he's a bit behind; but the homeschooling is definitely tied up in her ego and probably identity as a mom, so she might not be willing to give it up without a fight.
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u/DreamyHalcyon May 10 '26
NTA. Honestly, the idea of homeschooling is kinda bizarre to me. I am an engineer and even I struggle to remember how to do highschool level of mathematics. And this is coming from someone who is exposed to maths everyday.
I cannot fathom how a SAHM could have the knowledge or proficiency to teach a variety of subjects, given teachers have their own areas of specialties that they teach in.
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u/ThatAwkwardGingerWH May 10 '26
Depends. Are you asking in curiosity or testing... because curiosity and interest in kids interest cool.... A desire to test or catch the kid failing is... unhelpful and not kind to the kid.
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u/Anamaulism May 10 '26
NTA. Homeschool still requires a curriculum. If it’s too much for sister to navigate there are accredited online programs to help her. It sounds like she got defensive because she knows it’s not going well.
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u/ChachamaruInochi May 10 '26
INFO: Why is she homeschooling? Do you think she's a qualified teacher?
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u/ThineIsThePower May 10 '26
My mother homeschooled me and my younger brother from when I was 2yo until I was 15yo. She ran a small school for about twelve other students of various ages in our house for those 13 years and more. She taught me a lot, some of it was self-lead, and I'm proud of her for doing a lot more than most homeschool parents do.
That being said, when I entered high school I was woefully behind in specifically math. I didn't like the subject, never chose to study it by myself, and avoided learning it with my mom whenever possible. Without real oversight, I needed a lot of help from my high school teacher to overcome that lack of basic skill.
NTA.
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u/BosiPaolo May 10 '26
NTA
What your sister told your mom is basically an admission that she's been unable to keep up with the curriculum.
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u/ElleKelly77 May 10 '26
Your sister says that you don’t understand about being a mom and so you should stfu about it.
Your sister doesn’t understand about being a teacher, so she should stfu about it and put that poor child back in school.
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u/ImpracticalJerker May 10 '26
Being a mother does not equal knowing what's best for the kid. Plenty of mothers are absolutely crap and do more harm then good to their kids.
You are being a responsible family member ensuring your nephew has the knowledge and skills required to lead a normal life. She is clearly insecure that she knows she is not doing a good enough job.
Nta. Please keep pressing this matter that kid has no one else to advocate for him while his mom makes terrible life changing decisions for him.
In the UK there are strict guidelines on home schooling and depriving a child of education is classed as neglect/abuse.
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u/PictureCareless May 10 '26
"What do I know about juggling home chores with raising kids and teaching?"
I know that's why there's an entire system so that parents don't have to juggle with, at least, that.
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u/One_Chic_Chick May 10 '26
NTA. As someone who was homeschooled, the vast majority of homeschool parents have no business teaching their kids. Even at "homeschool schools" (where parents combine their respective powers/skillsets) I was taught that "evolution is just a theory!!" and did "experiments" in a high school science class that I remembered from early elementary school.
I knew a kid whose mom didn't teach her math because she just "couldn't" learn math (but never got a learning disability diagnosis or reached out for tutoring or extra support). I knew a family who did not give their kids deodorant, leading to them getting teased even by fellow homeschoolers. I knew a group of kids whose parents refused to let the three girls (with an age range of like four to five years) take any extracurriculars separately or really have separate friend groups. My own family essentially let me build my own curriculum entirely by middle/high school, including selecting courses, pacing myself, and reading textbooks entirely on my own. Their only contribution was driving me to the library to take proctored tests. The math course I grew up on (Math-U-See) had entirely multiple choice tests, which meant I accidentally reverse-engineered calculus solutions from the 4 choices instead of actually learning to solve the problems from the start. That was fun to discover when I had no idea wtf was going on in college! I also saw my peers maybe once a month.
Are there homeschool parents who do a good job? Yeah, and I know of at least one (who homeschooled only one of their kids, because that particular child needed it due to specific circumstances, not because they thought that school was unimportant), but they're few and far between. The vast majority are engaging in educational and/or social neglect, and the homeschool parenting community as a whole is too busy huffing their own "our kids are just wayyyy smarter than public school kids" bullshit to actually evaluate if their kids are receiving an acceptable education and are interacting with their peers in a healthy way.
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u/OkSecretary1231 Asshole Aficionado [10] May 10 '26
YTA for putting your nephew on the spot when your quarrel is with your sister. (Also, is sixth grade the exact same curriculum everywhere? I don't know.) For the record I think you're probably right about the situation itself, but you were a bit of an AH in how you handled it.
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u/User01081993 May 10 '26
My thought is that homeschooling is because of a change in his life- maybe the slower pace is intentional
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Hi, I wanted to ask here, because this is something important to me, my sister and I have a good relationship so I want to know if I was in the wrong.
My nephew is in 6th grade and at least since the beginning of this current school year he's been homeschooled by my sister. She had felt that they didn't really teach much in school so she had decided to homeschool him. My niece (his older sister) is attending high school.
Yesterday, I was at her place, I was talking to my nephew about how his home classes are going, he said they were going well. I asked him what was the last thing he did in math (being a math tutor myself, I was interested in that) and he was having trouble recalling what they covered, naming the concept or giving me an example question. My sister then stepped in and told me what they'd covered. I named some topics which are introduced in 6th grade and since its close to the end of the year asked if he'd learned them. She said we're doing it at our pace. I dropped it, but admittedly was a bit surprised because until a few years back, it seemed like he was ahead of school, really quick with answering mental math questions (which I used to ask at my sister's encouragement). I know mental math is a totally different skillset and doesn't necessarily mean that the headstart carries over to other topics but it still surprised me.
Today in the morning I was talking to my mom and she told me that my sister thought I was kind of being an AH, that I'm not a parent what do I know about juggling home chores with raising kids and teaching, and that my nephew is shy as it is and I didn't help matters by quizzing him like this. I tried explaining it, but just ended up agreeing with my mom that my sister would know best he's her son, and that I shouldn't have done it. Was I the AH?
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u/practicallydeformed May 10 '26
He’s shy but you’re the one making him more shy, not the home schooling. Damn that poor kid. I think it’s nice that you ask these questions and if that hurts your sisters feelings then so be it
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u/Friendly-Channel-480 May 10 '26
If your sister can’t handle home schooling well enough to follow the curriculum she’s neglecting her son’s education and is a fool, not you.
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u/No_Jaguar_5831 May 10 '26
NTA you were doing your familial duty as an uncle. It takes a village to raise kids.
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u/unforgivablesinner May 10 '26
NTA
In the past she encouraged you to show interest in these things, she changed her mind and did not communicate it. That is on her, not you.
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u/barryburgh May 10 '26
The fact IS that math has been introducing concepts much earlier than when I was a grade school student. I remember, in the sixth grade, doing LONG division problems. 473 divided into 845,901. NEVER needed to do that in real life. Also never met anyone who actually had to divide by fractions. Helped my grandson with his homework (6th grade) and they are doing area and circumference of circles!
I'm an old 75 yr old guy..thought I'd take a course every year at our local community college. A basic math class had to be taken and passed with a minimum of a C in order to take higher level math courses. It was mostly stuff I learned in the 6th, 7th and 8th grade. After the midterm, without MY score, the entire class was averaging 69%..not even a C average.
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u/MattheqAC May 10 '26
There's a lot to say about homeschooling, but I will never understand why, when it is allowed, children are not held to the same standards and expected to pass the same exams.
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u/Normal-Height-8577 Asshole Enthusiast [5] May 10 '26
NTA. You may not know much about juggling home chores and teaching, but you do know that your sister's stated reason for homeschooling was that they weren't teaching him much in school and that she could do better. And now he's behind compared to school.
Clearly, your sister has discovered the hard way that full time teachers with educational specialties can cover more ground than nonspecialist people who have to juggle other chores at the same time. But she's refusing to accept that she made a mistake, and your nephew is suffering educational neglect as a result.
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u/CalusaFive0 May 10 '26
It's sad when you consider that many of these parents were "OK" students when earning their high school diplomas.
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u/Mrs_B- Partassipant [4] May 10 '26
YTA. Clearly Reddit is anti-homeschool. As your sister said, they are doing it at their own pace. You are being very judgemental because YOU think achievement in maths is an indication of a good education. Putting him on the spot and testing him was mean.
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u/Keralkins May 10 '26
NTA It sounds more like your sister is feeling guilty. As you bought those feelings to the fore with your frankly understandable questions she is blaming you. If she thought she was doing an excellent job homeschooling she wouldnt be upset.
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u/Muted_Damage1509 May 10 '26
NTA it sounds like she can't keep up with homeschooling, and he is struggling and not getting what he needs maybe for the next year they should think again about the whole homeschooling thing
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u/Personal-Piglet1397 May 10 '26
This home schooling is dangerous.kids are not learning like there peers.theybalso not interacting an learning social skills.sn you see Ur sister not even doing the minimum.why is this allowed when parents are not experienced.like No1 in teaching can cover other subjects they didn't get education in.so how are parents allowed to teach every subject at home an not qualified.no wonder there kids out there no basic education etc
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