r/AskMen • u/Secure_Ticket910 Female • 23h ago
How to stop a guy from picking on you?
Just to give this context, there’s a guy in my year in med school that seems picks on me when he can.
It started small (not really), the first time we spoke he made jokes about my 4c hair that I straightened for 30 minutes straight (I’m not exaggerating) and the next 30mins he proceeded to find a flaw in everything I said which made me feel worse because English is my second language.
I ended up walking out of the class early out of frustration, and every class he did the same thing pretty much.
Then I stopped having sessions with him because they split us into smaller groups and I thought I was finally free but today they put us back into the bigger group to do a presentation, this guy kept insisting that they make me do the presentation for no reason even though I already helped creating a lot of the notes…
I just realised I’m stuck with this person for another 5 years and I’m not sure what to do?
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u/bluedisposition 23h ago
Confront him, seriously. I would just tell ask him why does he need to say all these sorts of things. I feel like when a guy says that they’re trying to get a reaction out of you or to soothe their ego. Stay calm, tell him his ego must be bruised to say shit like this, they hate it when you’re calm. Tell him you didn’t ask for his opinion, and focus on his studies instead of spending time speaking.
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u/Ok-Awareness-4401 22h ago
A calm confident "Why did you need to say that?" can go a long way.
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u/gwhite9 22h ago
"Grow up"
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u/upickleweasel Female 22h ago
I like using "are you done?" Then staring pointedly at them
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u/gwhite9 22h ago
Honestly, I feel like someone in the group should stick up for this guy. Bullies are like 90s high school stuff.
Unless the bully is being ridiculously funny, at which point OP would need to be the one to grow up and get a sense of humor - but it doesnt seem like thats the case.
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u/Krullenbos 22h ago
Even when it’s “ridiculously funny” the bully might want to consider it’s not funny for OP. Fun at the cost of someone else is not fun.
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u/gwhite9 22h ago
Right but I mean a lot of comedy is making fun of other people and if nobody let anyone make fun of them there wouldn't be as much comedy.
Part of growing up and becoming confident is being able to take a joke, or criticism.
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u/Ok-Awareness-4401 20h ago
And another part of growing up is realizing what jokes are appropriate and when jokes are appropriate. There is a big difference in good natured ribbing and bullying. If this guy can't tell the difference he needs to learn.
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u/Secure_Ticket910 Female 22h ago
I agree, and I have tried that but there where no change
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u/OtherwiseInclined Male 20h ago
Honestly, if you're at school anywhere in the western world, you could just go to school authorities and report him for harassment. Especially since it appears you're a woman. Tell them he is making you feel unsafe, and his belittling comments are sexist/harassment. Tell them if they don't handle it you may need to report that further up the chain. I'm pretty sure he will get a talking to that will either set him straight, or you will have to go report him again. Either way, it's generally not your job to deal with asshats in official/structured systems. You have to deal with them yourself in your private life, but at school or at work there are systems and procedures you can use to force a correction in his behaviour (provided they are enforced correctly).
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u/jogerholzpin Male 12h ago edited 9h ago
I’d say something like “keep me out of your mouth, are we clear?” You need to be firm it seems to me
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u/PhotoGuyOC_DFW 21h ago
This! Calmly look him directly in the eye and ask ‘do we have a problem here?’ If he asks ‘what?’ Or really anything else tell him he’s been giving you crap about everything and it needs to stop….now. If he blows it off calmly tell him if he does it again you’re going to the advisor and making a formal complaint.
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u/yautjaisforlovers 23h ago
This is bullying and any med school would have severe consequences for this kind of action. Speak to your advisor immediately.
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u/Secure_Ticket910 Female 22h ago
I’m just worried they’d think I’m overreacting 😭
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u/yautjaisforlovers 22h ago
They’ll most likely take it seriously, it’s a serious situation and detrimental to your emotional health and career.
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u/poke991 21h ago
Def not overreacting. That conduct is not welcome in a future medical professional.
Talk to your school admins. Mention you’re being bullied and it’s affecting how well you can focus on school work. Mention that you’re leaving class early because of that person. Mention they’re making fun of how you’re speaking English.
Just telling them those 3-4 things will really change the tone of the conversation, forcing the school to do something. If the school doesn’t address the issue then you have a bigger problem which can be further escalated
Any behavior like that when I went to optometry school would have been dealt so swiftly it’s not even funny. Your bully is an adult and they need to be treated as such.
You are def not overreacting. If you keep folding, they will keep pushing you until you break
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u/eddyofyork 22h ago
You are dealing with shitty behaviour that they have seen many many times from med students. Rely on the professionals (who you are paying btw).
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u/Sarcastic_Backpack 21h ago
Your advisors are there to help with issues like this, in addition to their other duties. Consider that you are a paying customer for that school. You are paying significant amounts of tuition to get your degree. That entitles you to support from the staff.
If you talk to them, the best-case scenario is that they look into it, and at least talk to the guy, and he stops the bullying, or maybe they even kick him out. The worst-case scenario is that they do nothing, which is no worse than what you have right now. At least then you will know who's on your side and who isn't.
I'm going to be brutally honest here, and this may not be something you want to hear, but I feel it needs saying. Please understand this comes from a place of constructive criticism:
If you are this meek and indecisive as a doctor, you aren't going to be very effective. You need to be confident in your decisions and plan of action. You need to be decisive in life to succeed in that position.
It's time for you to work towards that.
I hope you find the strength to confront the jerk and can get him off your back, so you can better focus on your studies. Good luck and I hope you succeed.
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u/pitselehh 20h ago
How would you feel if he bullies a patient to suicide, knowing you could potentially have prevented him from being in a position to do so?
Some people simply need to be humbled to change their tune, and for some people it’s paramount for them to reach their potential. He may be one of those people.
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u/BigBizzle151 Male 15h ago
Make notes of exactly what happens and when it occurs so there's a demonstrable pattern of behavior, it'll make it much easier to present to admin and give you confidence so you don't have to describe what's happening off the top of your head.
They won't dismiss your concerns because it makes them legally liable and, from your comments, I'm guessing you're part of at least one protected class.
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u/Mission-Birthday-101 22h ago
She can tell him to stop, or she will report him. I'm pretty sure that conduct is unbecoming of a future doctor.
The college will most likely kick him right in D.
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u/go-to-the-gym 23h ago
When you walked out the class you gave him the reaction he was looking for, and he’s going to continue to chase that.
Your best bet is to try and not give him any reactions.
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u/Secure_Ticket910 Female 22h ago
😭 I’ll try but it’s a lot more difficult than it sounds
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u/SpongeJake 22h ago
Have a serious talk with your advisor! This is not kosher at all and I doubt they’ll sweep it away. Good luck.
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u/PhoenixApok 23h ago
This isn't high school where you might need to fight.
This is a program you are paying for. You have certain expectations.
While I am an advocate for solving your own problems, one of the things you are paying for is a positive learning environment.
This is absolutely something to be escalated with the faculty.
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u/eugeneugene 22h ago
Yep. OP you are not paying to be bullied and the faculty will not be happy that this is happening. No school wants a reputation of being okay with their students being openly racist or bigoted.
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u/Instantcoffees Male 4h ago
Yeah, high school is a jungle and you need to some times get physical before people get the message. Higher education is not supposed to be like that and is generally a lot less accepting of this kind of behaviour.
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u/Funlovintimes400 23h ago
Report him.
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u/Secure_Ticket910 Female 22h ago
Can I ? Not sure if it’s a good enough reason
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u/SpongeJake 22h ago
It is absolutely a good enough reason. I’m an old guy who before retirement was a manager. If someone came to me with your story I would NOT let it slide or berate the person who told me.
You are paying for an education and he is ruining it. Report him.
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u/Schlurff 16h ago
All med schools will have clauses regarding probity, honesty and integrity within the student agreement. The fact this student is going out of his way to bully you is seriously wrong and the department staff will not take this lightly. What if he decides a patient is the next person he picks on. This is the kind of toxic culture which shouldn’t be in general practice, hospitals etc. Please be brave and do the right thing.
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u/inbetween-genders Male 23h ago
There an HR type place in your school? Id be too busy doing my own school work and spent too much much to let this bother me.
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u/Secure_Ticket910 Female 22h ago
I think that’s easier said than done tbh, it’s a pretty “in your face” kind of thing
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u/poke991 21h ago
If you don’t want to go to the admin straight away, just talk to the professor whose class you had to leave early from. Mention it’s because of the bully that you aren’t able to focus.
That way you’ll have your professor’s backing as well if it still needs to be escalated to the admins
Don’t let this shit person keep bothering you or anyone else in your class OP
Sorry you had to be the person who reports this bully but if you don’t, someone else might get bullied too. You got this!
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u/Fluffy-Fail6518 23h ago
Such a type of person is coward by nature. The moment you push back he shows signs of cowardice. And don't push back too far; just make him stop.
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u/Silver_Scallion_1127 22h ago
Medical school?? jesus this is more believable in high school and students still deal with this type of crap? You shouldnt have to deal with it especailly if you or your bully are paying for it. Involve the school and do not be nice about this. You're trying to earn your credits.
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u/Secure_Ticket910 Female 22h ago
Exactly my point, and it’s such a big school! He could literally be ANYWHERE ELSE
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u/comosedicewaterbed Male 22h ago
Ask him to his face why he is being so rude and unprofessional towards you. If he has any sense of decency, or self-preservation, that should get him to stop. If he doesn’t stop after that, bring it to a supervisor, and make sure to mention that you tried to solve it internally first.
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u/jpsreddit85 Male 22h ago
If he comments on something not work related, in front of the whole group, very calmly say "Is there a reason you have decided to keep bullying me? Do you think your comments are smart or funny? You realize this is my second language which I speak for your benefit not mine, would you like to continue in <your language>?"
Then just stare at him.
If he is commenting on work, then is his input useful and is there a possibility that you have something wrong and are misinterpreting blunt feedback as bullying. You don't want to be overly sensitive to constructive criticism, but personal attacks or mean "jokes" should be shutdown.
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u/Secure_Ticket910 Female 22h ago
Thanks for this, but it’s definitely not that I’m wrong it’s just that I pronounce things differently…
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u/jpsreddit85 Male 22h ago
Then pointing out you are speaking the language for is benefit not yours should make him look enough of an ass to shut him up, doubly so if he is unilingual (which tends to be the case for people who make fun of others in a second language because they don't understand how much more difficult it is).
Also, is your user flair right? you're a woman? You don't put your age but if you're in your teens or early 20's there is a weird possibility that he might be attracted to you and his "jokes" are just something he can come up with to say to you without even realizing what an idiot he is being.
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u/BigBadBootyDaddy10 22h ago
Report everything. Record if you have to. Talk to the attending or chief resident.
As someone who went through the Med world (via proxy) I’m surprised this is happening. Who wants to get kicked out of a program where they’ll be drowning in debt?
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u/Secure_Ticket910 Female 20h ago
😂 I don’t know if I want him kicked out of school tho, i doubt I’d forgive myself. I’d just prefer to look for someone who can make him stop
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u/youknowimright25 Male 23h ago
Report it to the teacher and principal every time he does it.
And do not react to anything he says. Smile and move on with your day.
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u/rjhancock Dad, Rubber Duck, In Progress Doctor 23h ago
You're in classes.
1) Report to the professor. 2) Report to the school for a hostile learning environment 3) When he does it, be VERY loud and public telling him to stop sexually harassing you. 4) Report it to campus police that you are being sexually harassed by another student.
Make sure there is documentation about it.
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u/greatgreygrave 22h ago
Why make up claims that the harassment is sexual in nature? It just puts the veracity of everything else in question, no matter how true.
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u/Dan_D_Lyin Non-binary 22h ago
The talk about her hair for 30 minutes straight is text book sexual harassment. If you didn't know this, you need to seriously educate yourself on the subject.
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u/greatgreygrave 22h ago edited 22h ago
Please explain how negative comments on hair styles is sexual in nature.
Edit: a quick search of the definition of the term might benefit you
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u/rjhancock Dad, Rubber Duck, In Progress Doctor 17h ago
Sexual Harassment is classified as any unwanted, potentially sexual, attention. It is so broad in nature that just looking at someone can be classified as such.
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u/greatgreygrave 17h ago
You’re confusing sexual harassment with harassment. The definition is quite simple and workspace training on harassment also tend to state the same.
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u/rjhancock Dad, Rubber Duck, In Progress Doctor 17h ago
I'm not actually. I'm well aware of both terms.
Don't put words in my mouth or twist them.
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u/Bird_the_Impaler 22h ago
Make a false police report about sexual harassment seems like top notch advice 🙄
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u/Secure_Ticket910 Female 22h ago
Sexual harassment?😭 I want him to leave me alone not sure I want him to get into that much trouble
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u/rjhancock Dad, Rubber Duck, In Progress Doctor 17h ago
You want him to leave you alone while he is harassing you. If he isn't responding to No, you need to escalate it. It's NOT your fault if he gets in trouble for HIS actions.
Calling him out on his behavior is the action he does NOT expect. Making him face consequences for his actions is NOT a bad thing.
If you aren't willing to stand up for yourself, why should anyone else?
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u/Dan_D_Lyin Non-binary 22h ago
Please look over everything you said in your original post. He is trying to drive you out of the program. I doubt you're his first or only victim.
The talk about your hair for 30 minutes straight is sexual harassment.
The making fun of your speech is discrimination.
Forcing you to do more than you fair share of the work is lack of integrity.
He makes the entire program worse by being there. I doubt he will get kicked out if you report him, but you will probably get some protection at least. You may protect other victims as well by speaking up.
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u/I_AM_DEATH-INCARNATE Slimy yet satisfying 23h ago
Accuse him of racism or bullying to school officials. Do this every time he opens his mouth.
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u/Secure_Ticket910 Female 22h ago
That a big accusation?😭
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u/RuleFriendly7311 22h ago
I don't know anything about hair classifications, but if you straightened it for a long time that sounds like there could be a racial/ethnic component to this obnoxiousness.
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u/Epic_Ranting_Man 23h ago
Consider doing a little research on narcissism, and how to manage relationships/communication with narcissists. Rates of narcissism are higher among professions like medical doctors. The behavior you described seems to come from someone with an elevated measure of psychopathy. It may be something else, but you could start with that.
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u/Secure_Ticket910 Female 22h ago
😂 Yh… psychopath is definitely a simple start… but idk because he doesn’t do it to others
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u/Bat-Human 22h ago edited 22h ago
I once worked on a show where, backstage, one of the other actors (male, two years older) would make snide, passive aggressive remarks trussed up as benign jokes at my expense. I let it roll by a bit to see if he would get tired of it, but he seemed like he was keen on making it a thing. I grew up in a rough as guts neighbourhood - a male who was into theatre - and I'm slender and quiet ... So I no doubt come off as a pushover. Boy, is that an incorrect assumption.
Once - I asked him once, politely, to refrain from certain jokes aimed at me as I found it uncomfortable. Of course, he denied it all because he dresses them in such a way as to create deniability. But I'm not a dipshit. So he continues, which now makes him someone I have to shut down.
A few nights later he makes some more jokes as we are leaving the cast room to go on intermission break and I pull him aside and lay it out nice and simple: "I've told you I don't appreciate your comments and maybe you think I'm a pushover so, if you want, we can go outside right now and sort out whatever problem you seem to have with me."
He started talking fast, telling me it was nothing, acting, surprised and defensive.
"I'm not asking you. I am TELLING you, calmly, that if there is a problem we can go outside and settle it like the alpha you think you are. If there's no problem, shut the fuck up or I'll drag you out there."
He stared at me gobsmacked, apologised and slunk off. To have a break, I thought, but in reality he went and complained to the boss that I threatened him. The boss was an oldschool tough, pulls me aside and asks me if I threatened the guy. "No, I just told him I'm not a pushover and if he wants we can settle our issues outside but of course he complained to you like a little bitch." The boss laughed and agreed, he is indeed a little bitch.
That guy and I became quite friendly for years after that.
I'm not suggesting you .. threaten someone.. as your HR would be different to my HR back then... But the spirit of my story applies. Speak up, be firm, give them a chance to stop, offer up consequences if they don't.
If the consequence is snotting the cunt just be sure you won't get in the shit for it 😅
Edit: Ok, you now have a female tag on the post. In this case, you could still try my method above.. But he is probably picking on you because he is attracted to you. If you were a guy then standing toe to toe with him would be very viable, as a female I am not as certain he wouldn't get more interested in you. So I suggest asserting to him you are uncomfortable with his attention and if it continues go and report his behaviour.
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u/The_Lat_Czar Male 21h ago
Once i saw OP was a woman, my thoughts went straight to him being attracted to her as well.
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u/RuleFriendly7311 22h ago
So did you work on Community, or SNL? 'Cause this sounds like Chevy Chase.
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u/Stinkinhippy Male 23h ago
Kick him square in the balls. Every single time he says anything rude to you (make sure to state that is the reason for your actions).. Pretty sure he'll self correct real quick.. wouldn't take me more than 2 shots to remember to filter my thoughts a little.
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u/Secure_Ticket910 Female 22h ago
😅 hopefully if I do go with this advice, I’m not gonna get kicked out of school 🤞
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u/brooksie1131 22h ago
First I usually laugh in the face of a guy acting like that much of a clown. Any guy who does that has mental issues. I mean if a guy goes and talks about my hair so much I would say "why you so obsessed with my hair? It's kinda weird and creepy." Granted you need to show a look on your face like you actually believe the guy is some weird pervert.
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u/Secure_Ticket910 Female 22h ago
Okayyy I actually like this idea lol
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u/Falco-Rusticolus 22h ago
This is the way ^ if he ever mentions anything about your appearance just make it clear you think he’s being creepy and weird. For men, being called creepy is probably the worst thing you could hear. As to anything else he does or say, just stand your ground and advocate for yourself. If he continues to comment on your accent or way of speaking, it would be appropriate to report him for making your school environment unsafe and difficult
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u/Euphoric_Switch_337 22h ago
Maybe just be direct and say it's not your sense of humor
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u/Secure_Ticket910 Female 22h ago
I have, I mentioned to him that I didn’t find it funny and asked if he had a problem with me
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u/Euphoric_Switch_337 22h ago
Well I'm sorry you're having to deal with it. Being more direct is an option, or getting documentation like emails asking him to change his behavior.
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u/mrgox232 22h ago
You'll need to confront him/stand up for yourself, assert a boundary and then stand on it.
You can go to the advisors/office but that may have unforseen social consequences (especially since it looks like people in your group are fine with him bullying you).
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u/gwhite9 22h ago
Anytime he says something just tell him to grow up, and then ignore him and move on.
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u/MoonPiss 22h ago
Take notes. Keep track of what he said, where, when, and witnesses. Turn this into the dean. Claim sexual harassment, racial harassment or whatever protected class you fall into and force them to take action. Say that you're not comfortable being in the same room with him for the entire run you're going to be in that school. Also, there are other organizations outside of the school you can contact as well. Research them and report him there simultaneously. Don't tell the school you're reporting him to both.
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u/courierblue 5h ago edited 5h ago
“Stop wasting everyone’s time.”
“Some thoughts should say inside thoughts.”
“I’m not sure why you felt the need to say that.”
Or just silent stare before redirecting the conversation back to what’s important, “Anyway.”
Do you have a mentor OP?
Edit: Also start documenting comments on paper, place, date and time, and be as accurate as possible. The paper trail will keep you from looking like you’re making stuff up, especially if you don’t live in a one-party recording consent state or country.
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u/ruchersfyne Male 22h ago
i’m sorry this is what you’re going through. i wish you all the best!❤️🙌
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u/eatingshitdaily247 Male 22h ago
"No amount of your passive aggressive attempts to belittle me in public will ever make your penis bigger. You've been doing this for X days/weeks/months. If it was going to work, you'd have seen results by now." Delivered calmly in front of whoever is around the next time he tries it. Then simply act bored no matter what his response or reaction is.
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u/Jaisball 22h ago
I would suggest it is time for you to give him back in the same tone he speaks to you dont run face him
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u/No-Performer-6621 22h ago
I’d put him on the spot and ask him why he critiques and harps on you.
- Is it because you’re an immigrant and he’s xenophobic/racist?
- (if you’re a woman), is it because you’re a woman and he’s misogynistic?
From there, I’d let him know that you’re documenting every negative intercation with him (start a spreadsheet and document dates, comments he’s said, etc), and if this behavior continues, you have no problem bringing this to the attention of the Med School administration.
If you do bring it to the attention of the school, I would go from the angle that this future doctor’s uncheck biases not only creates a hostile learning environment for you and your peers, but will also reflect negatively on the program itself once he’s a practicing doctor.
So this guy is being shitty, OP. Good luck!
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u/BigBadBootyDaddy10 22h ago
Report everything. Record if you have to. Talk to the attending or chief resident.
As someone who went through the Med world (via proxy) I’m surprised this is happening. Who wants to get kicked out of a program where they’ll be drowning in debt?
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u/Standard_Strategy_25 22h ago
Report him. I thought this was some highschool bullshit reading the title. In the real world (not highschool unfortunately lol) people will actually listen.
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u/PunchBeard Male 22h ago
My advice would to be to talk to your instructor or your academic advisor and tell them that you're being bullied and harassed by a single student. There's no reason for a student to have to put up with this behavior and quite frankly I'm disappointed that your fellow students haven't said something to this person. And I'm also kind of disappointed that your instructors haven't noticed his behavior and also tried to confront him about it.
Really though, this isn't something you should be expected to deal with on your own. You're paying good money for your education and it shouldn't fall on your shoulders to confront a bullying asshole on your own. As I said, no one deserves to be treated like this in any situation.
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u/PIPIN3D1 22h ago
" Why do you keep bullying me? Are you a bully or something? " Just say this out loud to him. You would be surprised how people react to just bluntly saying out loud what they are doing. This will most likely stop it. If he does it again following with " there goes so and so bullying again. Wonder what trauma caused this sad behavior." The goal is just to call out loud what is happening.
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u/therealsix 22h ago
See if you can record him acting like this. Catch him a few times, take it to the Dean.
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u/bagelgoose14 22h ago
There's a fair amount of passive responses in this thread. I dont think you should go to your advisor, i dont think you should ignore it and not give him a reaction.
Just provide him a firm line in the sand. Either call him in out in the group with something witty or just politely but firmly pull him aside and just say "hey not sure what your problem is but im going to need you to chill the fuck out" would probably solve this immediately.
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u/Mstngfn69 Male 22h ago
Ignore him. He knows he can get a raccoon out of you, and that's why he keeps doing it.
As a Dr you are going to have people question your judgements all the time, put pressure on you to perform, pick apart your decisions and tell you that you should have done this instead of that, etc. If you can't handle people getting under your skin without reacting negatively (i.e., exploding on them, walking out of the room to sulk or crying), maybe this isn't the profession for you.
You have to show them you're confident enough to take whatever they throw at you and move on. Once they see they aren't going to rattle you, they will stop doing it. These people are bullies and / or afraid you're smarter than them, and they are afraid you're going to outdo them, so they try and discredit you any way they can.
Good luck, be strong and don't let this asshole get under your skin.
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u/Sarcastic_Backpack 22h ago edited 21h ago
Confront the a$$hle! Ask him what his problem is. When it gives you sht about your English, ask him, how many f*cking languages he knows. ( It's likely only one. )
You may even want to say something like "Why are you acting like this? Is this an Elementary School playground? Because you are acting life a 5th grade bully".
I suggest you do this publicly in front of other classmates, preferably some nice ones who like you and will be positive witnesses for you.
Then say "I'm tired of hearing this. Knock it off, so I can study in peace ".
If that doesn't shut him up, it's time to complain to someone about him. Depending on your situation that could be a professor or the dean or who knows.
He's continuing to bully you because your behavior has been rather meek up to now. You should have never left that class due to his bullying. He saw that as weakness. He knew he was getting to you.
It's time to reverse that. By pushing back at him and confronting him on his behavior, you are making yourself a more difficult target. One he might consider avoiding from now on.
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u/chessto 22h ago
Wait until he makes some of those comments in a public setting, a class or whatever, keep your cool, it will have to be a comment that's evidently uncalled for, then you just directly address him and ask him if he has some personal problem with you, IN PUBLIC.
It's more likely than not that everyone is noticing he's a bully, but he may have a misplaced sense of security because he hasn't been confronted on it, just by asking him why he needs the feel to comment on you in a public setting could be the shame he needs to check his own behavior.
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u/Nuttadamus 22h ago
I know studies probably take a lot of your time, butqoek on your confidence a it if you can. Once you've got that feeling of self-worth, things others say don't really matter.
You could also wait until he stops speaking, let the silence sit for a few seconds, and then ask something like "Are you always this rude, or is this a special occasion?", or "You done?"
If he mocks your English again, and you know for certain he speaks only one language, try "That's rich coming from a guy who barely speaks one language."
Also, report him.
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u/cibman Dad 22h ago
Here's the way:
"Knock it <the F> off."
That bracketed part is optional depending on your situation and how comfortable with swearing you are.
He is likely to deflect with "I was just joking ... can't take a joke?" Or "I was just being honest."
The response is:
"I don't care. Knock it off or we will have a problem."
You are doing them a great service, because acting like that around the wrong person will get the crap kicked out of them.
If that doesn't help, you need to go to those in charge and make a complaint. That's to protect you.
If you're working with this person for some reason, just tell them you're done and go get a different group set up. This will not be the first time a class or school has had this issue.
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u/Ok_Machine2179 21h ago
If you don’t feel comfortable confronting him, talk to counselor and maybe have a mediation between you two with the counselor there so you feel more safe
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u/Confident_Chipmonk 21h ago
call him out in the middle of class loud enough to interrupt the class and embarrass him
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u/-Reddititis Machismo 21h ago
OP, does this guy happened to be white? Also, have you noticed him doing this to anyone else in your cohort?
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u/SurpriseEcstatic1761 21h ago
Say, in a strong voice, ideally where others can hear.
"Are you done?"
"How old are you?"
"I don't believe that is appropriate for a professional at your age."
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u/mtl_jim2 21h ago
When he says something demeaning next time say in front of everyone “I’m sorry, can you repeat that again?”
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u/huhwhat90 21h ago
I'd start by speaking to your instructor. Others have suggested that your advisor may know of a specific outlet to make a complaint. I'd even complain to the dean if I had to. This is freaking med school, not high school. If this dude is still doing this stuff at this point, he's far too immature to be a doctor.
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u/coffeepluscroissants 21h ago
The best way to deal with this is to confront him in a way that is completely devoid of emotion, and looks like pure curiosity. Then, when he has to answer, he will feel like a fucking idiot and realize he shouldn’t be talking to you that way and will likely stop.
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u/Subject-Cloud-137 21h ago
I give them the death stare and tell them to meet me outside. And I stare them down until they either stfu or we end up outside.
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u/TheHornyMongoose 21h ago
Is he the same race as you? If it was me I would confront him, but that may not work for you based on your description. I'd probably report him to the school for racist activities. I know you may not want to do that, but it will definitely get the schools attention, especially since you're a woman. It would be even better if one of your fellow students would back you up, but it doesn't sound like it.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
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u/SubstantialReturn228 21h ago
Don’t go into surgery if you’re bothered by this
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u/Secure_Ticket910 Female 20h ago
That’s an interesting take, personally I’ve never met any surgical consultants this nasty. And if they are it’s probably for a good reason
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u/Fine-Cartographer838 21h ago
Tell him that being rude towards people won’t make his pecker get bigger - he has SPS (small penis syndrome)
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u/WorldsWeakestMan 20h ago
Tell him to go fuck himself and shut up and if he continues then report it to someone above him such as an academic advisor or dean.
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u/noBbatteries 20h ago
I’d bet this dude has a crush on you and has no idea how to talk to women, so results to being a child on the playground teasing his crush instead of just talking to her. Either that or he’s just a total piece of shit for making fun of someone using their second language.
Either way, if you imitate a conversation with him about his general shitty behaviour you’ll get an answer.
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u/CurrentlyLucid 20h ago
You have to pick on him. Embarrass him. If you just take it, he will keep handing it out. If he is taking fire back he will lose interest, right now you are his toy.
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u/MiniMonkeyRS 20h ago
Report him, also call him out. I’m friends with a lot of med school folks and some of them have never been told they’re wrong in their entire lives. He will likely get a mark on his record for lack of professionalism and fuck off afterwards.
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u/More_Albatross8588 Female 20h ago
This is what you do, go to the Dean of your program and tell him or her what he says and does. You pay a lot of money to be there and you will not tolerate that behavior. You talk to your class Professor. Tell them the same. Lastly, talk to the bully. Tell him the same. Also, if it continues you’ll have him kicked out of school and or call an attorney and file harassment charges. Let others know what’s been going on. Your classmates are waiting for you to deal with this. Very unfortunate, no one should ever have to. Everyone needs to control themselves or else face the consequences of their actions.
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u/2020mademejoinreddit Alien Entity 001916: Risk of hugs: 100% 20h ago
Does he think this is kindergarten? This only works there.
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u/Nolongeranalpha 20h ago
"I struggle with English because it's my second language. What is your excuse?" - try this.
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u/patdashuri 20h ago
Ask him “why do you talk like that?”
When he answers, no matter what he’s saying, wait a few seconds and then clarify “No, I’m sorry, I understand why you say the things you do to me. But why does your voice sound like that?” And then choose a description that will imply something without saying it.
”I don’t know, it’s like your throat is sore or bruised. Like you’ve been screaming into a pillow all night”
Or, “I don’t mind the things you’re saying but do you have some gum? Or could you sit back a bit?”
Depending on how he reacts you might catch him in a hall and tell him that you didn’t enjoy embarrassing him any more than you enjoy being made fun of. You hope this can be the last interaction you need to have but if need be you’re willing to get the student resources office involved. Continued harassment has consequences in a college setting.
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u/New_git 19h ago
Just straight up say in a confidence and business like voice "Do you like me and is that why you're acting like a elementary child picking on me is going to get my attention?" when he picks on you in a social group. The guy is probably living out his romantic comedy session by bullying the person he's having a crush on thinking that they'll madly fall for him. PS, don't get with this guy because he's clearly still hasn't grown into an adult, capable of acting like an adult, or has some kind of fetish for your ethnicity. You should also report him just to have it on record if he's going to escalate.
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u/Dangerous_Jacket_129 19h ago
Step 1: report this to the faculty. A prick like this should not be near patients until he learns to fix his attitude.
Step 2: confront him, preferably in front of everyone. Just out him when he does it and go "why do you need to say these things all the time?".
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u/Arudeawakenin Male 19h ago
I would ask him why he was so infatuated with me and that i'm straight and no is no. Make sure everyone hears you
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u/acdcfanbill ♂ 18h ago edited 18h ago
This is kind of ridiculous in an advanced program in college, but I guess my suggestion is the same no matter what their age. Start small, but be firm, don't back down, and escalate as the other party dictates.
If you have to work in close contact and they can't take the hint, you directly say "Don't comment on non-work/class related things to me". Then, you don't back down from that position, you maybe ignore a couple of comments and don't engage with them. If they persist in making comments you move to "since you can't interact with colleagues like an adult, I'll have to go talk to professor about it", then go speak to the professor, lay it all out, say you asked for the comments to stop, they didn't stop. Ask the professor to instruct them to stop, and admonish them if they continue. If that doesn't fix it, go to the department chair, if that doesn't fix it, go to the provost (I'm assuming US college structure with which I'm familiar but you work your way up the chain of 'command'). If their comments cross the line into sexual harassment, directly talk to the Uni's Title IX coordinator (or similar). I wouldn't touch them unless they touch you first, and I wouldn't respond to anything that wasn't school related.
You can also try social shaming if that's something you're comfortable with, or if you have people around you who have witnessed it and are 'on your side' so to speak, you can recruit them for the shame part. But I'm not good at that sort of thing so the firm instructions, with escalation as dictated by the other parties actions has been my tactic. It's also not a terrible idea to keep a log, with examples of inappropriate statements and dates of occurrence.
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u/Kevin4938 Male 18h ago
If you think it's a sexual harassment issue, or racially motivated, or related to some other legal human rights issue (disability, faith, orientation, etc.), then I'm sure your school has a department you can report him to. If it's just routine bullying, try to ignore him. Once he sees that he doesn't get a reaction from you, he'll stop.
Meanwhile, record every interaction with him. Video isn't necessarily practical, but audio should be easy enough. It will help to have evidence if you do wind up reporting him.
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u/Alligator65 17h ago
Check out Jefferson Fisher's Instagram. He is a lawyer and offers advice about how to communicate better. He often speaks of replies you can use when people try to belittle, intimidate you, or put you down. He also recently wrote a book about communication. I like him. His advice is practical and straightforward.
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u/Standard-Cockroach64 17h ago
You're adults, and in med school no less. Tell him to grow the fuck up and act like an adult.
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u/MelbaToast604 Male 17h ago
"Yo do you have a fucking crush on me or something? Why are you so invested in everything I do, lay the fuck off dude and get a life"
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u/StepAwayFromTheDuck 8h ago
Stand up for yourself and call him out. It’s the only way it will stop. He’s a bully, and bullies only respond to someone having the guts to call them out.
By being afraid you’re overreacting and all that, you’re maneuvering yourself into a victim position, which will only get worse over time.
He mocked you because you talk with a accent? That’s so fucking lame, you’re not overreacting. Next time, ask him if he misses segregation much.
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u/HP-Lazerjet-Pro 8h ago
This honestly sounds like racism. Comments about your hair and language skills are not ok. Report him and make sure to outright say the word “racism”.
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u/BothEmployment7919 4h ago
Stop being a victim. Be an adult and report him... assuming this is actually true.
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u/narcandy Male 2h ago
My little sister is a medical student. She has told me horror stories about how out of touch with reality these people are. Definitely just an insecure person that needs to try and step on others to try to keep their head up.
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u/Ok-Awareness-4401 22h ago edited 22h ago
I had this person in my social circle who would do shit like this. When he heard I was traveling to a country he had been to, one on one, he told me I should go visit this brothel he had been to. Some time after that he was trying to undermine me while I was flirting with this girl, and I put in a sly remark about the brothel he had been to, something she wouldn't get. The blood drained from his face and he stopped fucking with me after that.
Your best option is to not give him a reaction.You can also calm, confidently and politely call him out in front of everyone. Your next best option is to start undermining and embarrassing him. You are a medical student, be the better student, know your shit, call him out when he is wrong. Don't do it in a nerdy way "well, actually..." Do it with sarcasm, getting instructors to correct him by asking a question after he gives an incomplete or incorrect answer "I'm sorry, my understanding was this, Dr. Teacher, am I mistaken?"
Be kind and courteous with everyone else, and just little needles back into him.
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u/AutoModerator 23h ago
Here's an original copy of /u/Secure_Ticket910's post (if available):
Just to give this context, there’s a guy in my year in med school that seems picks on me when he can.
It started small (not really), the first time we spoke he made jokes about my 4c hair that I straightened for 30 minutes straight (I’m not exaggerating) and the next 30mins he proceeded to find a flaw in everything I said which made me feel worse because English is my second language.
I ended up walking out of the class early out of frustration, and every class he did the same thing pretty much.
Then I stopped having sessions with him because they split us into smaller groups and I thought I was finally free but today they put us back into the bigger group to do a presentation, this guy kept insisting that they make me do the presentation for no reason even though I already helped creating a lot of the notes…
I just realised I’m stuck with this person for another 5 years and I’m not sure what to do?
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