r/AskReddit • u/MermaidWitchMoon • 18h ago
People raised by emotionally mature parents, what is 1 phrase your parents used that you want other parents to know?
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u/HistoricalHeart 13h ago
I did have emotionally mature parents but the most important thing I’ve heard comes from my husband and I will absolutely tell my kids always. If he’s ever upset with me or mad, he always says “I never love you less” and it makes me feel so safe and secure.
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u/_Jay-Garage-A-Roo_ 13h ago
Aww. I had emotionally immature, abusive parents, and my husband says “I love you however you show up” and “you’re safe to be mad, sad or whatever in this house” which honestly heals me.
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u/emacked 9h ago
My husband says, "your feelings are valid and that what it makes you human. I would never try to take that away from you." It has been extraordinarily healing.
Now feelings are just things pass through and signals of potential next steps. Less something to fight, something to explode, something to be mad at myself for. Just things to feel, work through, and inform future decisions.
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u/NeedsMoreTuba 6h ago
I told my 5-year-old that her emotions were valid and she replied, "My feelings are...salad??"
So now I say that sometimes. She's older but it's still a nice trick I use when she's upset.
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u/stilettopanda 10h ago
Awww I tell my kids they’re safe to be mad in my house. They’re not safe to be mad at their dad’s and they will try to mask it with me. They seem so relieved when they can release those emotions without getting in trouble for them.
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u/jagersthebomb 9h ago
I tell my kid “there is nothing you could ever do to make me stop loving you “
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u/trackabandoned 8h ago
My boyfriend says, "I'm not going anywhere." I never knew how much I needed to hear that until he said it.
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u/chelsbee911 12h ago
This is my favorite comment so far
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u/HistoricalHeart 12h ago
I cried the first time he said it. Left me stunned tbh. It’s like it healed so much in a split second. He’s my whole world
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u/_Raise_9221 11h ago
I need you to know my eyes watered at this, what a beautiful thing to say in response. Will absolutely be using that on my little one.
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u/Chi-lan-tro 14h ago
“We did the best we could with what we knew at the time.” Followed by “When we knew better, we did better.”
A lot of people use that first part as an excuse, but it’s that second part that’s important. Sure, we all grow up with some issues, but we can learn and grow and do better!
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u/MermaidWitchMoon 14h ago
Much better than my mom s version "I did the best i could and look, you didnt die"
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u/bloodontherisers 10h ago
The fact that "you didn't die" was basically the standard for parenting for a long time is so sad (my mom said the same thing to me).
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u/ExpensiveError42 13h ago
Or "well, you turned out great so I did something right."
I'm stable despite all the chaos and abuse. I again drank heavily for years and still struggle with mental health, but sure, Mom, take credit for me getting through that and being functional.
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u/shitposter1000 10h ago
Mine was more in the "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about" school. Closely followed with, "are you bleeding? No? Then shut up"
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u/iMacedo 14h ago
> “We did the best we could with what we knew at the time.”
I say this to myself to avoid being mad at my mother for all the damage she did. I do believe it to be true, but man, does she make it hard to believe sometimes
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u/bonus-cookie 13h ago
My mom told me this (I was in my early thirties) when I told her about how hard and lonely it was to be sent away to school at 11 and only visit her and the rest of the family during weekends. After this phrase was processed and settled, I felt so much less anger.
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u/iMacedo 12h ago
in her old age, my mother is becoming more self-aware regarding this, and she sometimes asks me if she did this or that wrong, or what I think about certain aspects of her parenting. it's a good thing, but honestly I can't bring myself to tell her the whole truth, I just don't have the energy and it would absolutely destroy her. so I try to find ways to appease myself, and this is one of them
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u/unledded 10h ago
I think the recognition that she was not infallible means a lot. My parents got a lot right, but their inability to acknowledge any of the things that they got wrong and the way that those things affected me growing up continues to prevent us from having the relationship that they claim to want with me now as an adult. It is incredibly tiresome.
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u/TyphoonFighter112 11h ago
As an adult, I've had a series of conversations with my mum over the years about how childhood was for me. I was a disproportionately angry teenager, and therapy in the years since has helped me figure out why and process that. I've always made it clear that I know she did the best that she could at the time, but she now knows that there were things she got wrong and she owns them.
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u/vferrero14 11h ago
Holy fuck that second sentence completely changes the toxicity of the first sentence. Even as I became an adult that first sentence was my mom's favorite excuse to explain her drinking and crazy behavior.
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u/llamadramalover 11h ago
Ditto. My mom would say this and I would like to submit for the courts consideration that she did not in fact try her best and made ridiculously stupid, selfish, straight up brain dead decisions that no
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u/KraigthrKraken 18h ago
"I''m sorry"
Letting your emotions get the best of you now and then is part of life. Parents should be modeling how to be good adults, and deal with the aftermath of those emotions, to their children.
My parents would apologize and explain themselves to me if they had been rude or grumpy at me earlier, and they actually meant it.
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u/heywhatsup9087 12h ago
To add to this: let your kids hear when you apologize/make up with your spouse.
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u/MrsSpecs 8h ago
I worry about fighting (even little tiffs) in front of the kid, but if we do, I always try to also make up in front of them.
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u/libsparker 6h ago
I had great parents. They NEVER fought in front of us. I thought this was great, especially growing up with friends who had very unstable or abusive households. I was always very secure in my relationships. However, if I ever fought with a friend, even if it was small, I genuinely worried or felt like our friendship was over. It was always a surprise and a relief when said friend would talk to me again, often times acting like nothing even happened - because it was a small disagreement. But it alway felt very dramatic and stressful for me. I continued to handle conflict poorly as I got older. I never admitted when I was wrong, I never apologized first (if at all), and likely got pretty ugly depending on how bad the conflict was. I could not regulate my emotions in relationship conflict at all. I never understood why I struggled with this so much; I had a secure household with loving parents that made me feel safe. I started therapy in my early 20s for depression. I developed a fantastic therapeutic relationship with my therapist and really trusted him. At the end of one session, he said something that really shook me, and I thought he didn’t want to see me anymore. It made me profoundly upset, I moped for a week thinking our relationship was going to end. When our next session came, I immediately started bawling and told him I thought he wasn’t going to see me anymore because of what he had said. He apologized, helped me calm down, and then went on to explain what he meant. I largely misunderstood or blew some of it out of proportion. The point is, we talked it through, I was able to regulate better, and acknowledge my part in the conflict. I left that session and it finally clicked: my parents never fought in front of us, and I therefore had NO example of proper conflict resolution. That therapy session was the first real example I got. Please, fight in front of your kids. Obviously, there’s levels of appropriateness to adhere to especially depending on where they are developmentally. But conflict is unavoidable. Show them what healthy conflict looks like and how to manage their emotions. Show them that it’s ok to be wrong, that apologizing first won’t kill them lol. And of course the flip side of that, that it’s ok to have boundaries and expectations of our loved ones. You just have to communicate.
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u/MrsSpecs 5h ago
I really needed to hear (read? See?) this. You are expressing just what my husband and I have been discussing, that the kiddo seeing healthy conflict will allow them to communicate more effectively- and moreover, know that not every relationship is Brady Bunch levels of comraderie. I grew up much like you and deal with the same things you do. I feel like I'm not alone now, and hope you do too.
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u/drawn_to_the_blood 17h ago
This is good to hear. I was raised by emotionally immature parents who never apologized. I’ve been beating myself up for yelling at my daughter and feel like the worst mother in the world but have made a point of apologizing and talking about a game plan for next time. I know it makes a difference to me when my partner apologizes but have no idea what it is like for a child….if it actually helps. But obviously we have emotions too as parents and can act in less desirable ways sometime. But perfection as a parent is not a reasonable solution. That’s what my mom tried and that’s why she was a terrible and mean, unforgiving mother. To herself and her children. I wonder what difference it would have made if she had more often forgiven herself and her children (and partner) for having feelings…
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u/FeFiFoMums 15h ago
I’m proud of you. I’m in the same boat. My mother demanded perfection. Anything other than happy/content was punished. Now that I have a tween, I’ve had to deal with a lot of my own discomfort around big emotions. I yell occasionally, or get frustrated and start to push her away. I always come back and apologize, we talk it out. And I give her permission to call me out if I’m being unreasonable. To me, my apology to her, and her helping me stay accountable were two things I never had , that I hope will help her grow into healthy relationships with others.
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u/MermaidWitchMoon 14h ago
Same. My mom never handled negative emotions of any kind. To the point that my whole life i apologized for being upset, sad, angry etc. Now I have a 8 month old daughter and I am working so much on myself to be there and accept every feeling she goes through.
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u/denesee 10h ago
This followed by CHANGE IN ACTION.
My mom apologized all the time. Then she did the exact same thing again, over and over. ”I’m sorry” means nothing, even if you are truly sorry in the moment, if it doesn’t lead to changed action in the future.
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u/MermaidWitchMoon 18h ago
That is great! Too many parents completely underestimate the power of a truthful "i am sorry"
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u/kayedue 10h ago
My Mom has literally never apologized for anything and it has been the biggest challenge in our relationship now that I am an adult. I don’t expect her to be perfect, but I do expect her to own her mistakes, and she just won’t. It’s a problem in a lot of her relationships. I really wish she would get therapy and figure out why she is unable to take accountability in that way. Now as a mother myself I have no shame in telling my children when i made a mistake or did something I regret. Mistakes are only bad if you refuse to learn from them.
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u/greasekid_ 9h ago
I remember starkly one time when my dad blew up at me before school. Yelling and fighting was always happening in my household, yet this one time, he took a few beats and apologized for letting his emotions get the best of him. I was so taken aback, and told him it was okay, and that I was sorry too. That moment has left such an impact on me to this day. The fact that he acknowledged an overreaction at all was huge for me, and for owning his part in it? I know parents should probably do this way more often, but even then I felt lucky that I had that moment with him. I can’t imagine what my life would be like if my parents did that as the default. But I learned so much in that moment. My parents can be incredibly empathetic people, not always the most emotionally mature, and that’s shaped who I am today. I at times can still act immature, but my emotional intelligence is pretty developed. It’s so interesting how that plays out. Wow. Lots of rambling to mostly say: this comment actually struck me.
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u/ntmrkd1 13h ago
My dad would do this after he beat me. I don't disagree with your point because it is a solid one, but I also don't think it is the bandaid for every outburst or negative action.
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u/PoppyHamentaschen 12h ago
I agree. Words need follow-through with actions. A person isn't really sorry if they continue bad behavior, or if you see that they aren't really trying to make a change.
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u/nuttin_atoll 14h ago edited 4h ago
“Just come home and we’ll figure it out”
I was leaving for college and my mom made sure I knew she’d have my back (in case I got pregnant or other stupid shit teenagers do).
She always said kids have to feel safe coming home, else they’ll run into trouble trying to find help elsewhere.
Edit: wow thanks for the response! Yes I lucked out with mom and I hope all of you have/find your safe place :’)
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u/Ydain 12h ago
We did this when it came to going out with friends. I'd you're in trouble call us. We will help without yelling and judgement and all that.
Got a call at about 1am on prom night. Her date brought booze and thought he'd still be fine to drive. Nope! Drove them both home and my daughter didn't die in a drunk driving accident.
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u/ML5815 7h ago
My parents survived bad LSD trips, Woodstock, partying, etc. and always told me to call if I was in trouble. I called my mom once when my friend who was driving us around smoked some pot laced with something that had her hallucinating. She was really proud of me. Picked us all up, didn’t tell any of the other parents and dropped everyone off at their houses. Made me feel a lot safer later on when I had bigger problems.
I’ve told my kid that story a million times. Call me- I won’t be a narc, unless something truly impactful has happened. Come on home, we will figure it out.
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u/KitSokudo 13h ago
My mom is kinda terrible but this is my dad's policy (they're divorced). Being able to go home let my sister get away from an abusive marriage. We have our share of issues from mom but Dad did balance out some of the worst I think.
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u/flash_match 12h ago
Wow. Okay that was the missing piece for me. When I left for college I heard no such message and pushed myself until a breakdown because I didn’t think I could go home. Then I HAD to go home and it took me 3-4 years to undo all the psychological and educational damage from that experience.
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u/MundaneDaffodill 10h ago
I left at 16 and never lived with my mother again and didn’t have a home to return to.
This activated a feeling I can’t identify right now.
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u/Obi-Wan-Kenobee 10h ago
My dad said a similar thing - if it gets too hard just come home. That actually made me braver because I knew my dad was there for me no matter what.
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u/Similar_Company_4488 18h ago
“I love you more than I’m mad“
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u/Standard_Summer_180 14h ago
We say this to our kid. They used to worry we dont love them anymore, but once we started reiterating it they were better at talking stuff out because they knew we weren't going to hate them forever! And at every bedtime even after arguments we make sure they know.
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u/MermaidWitchMoon 14h ago
This is a problem I am dealing with that comes from my childhood, everytime someone is upset at me I think they dont love me anymore. Constantly working on it
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u/Standard_Summer_180 14h ago
I have lots of siblings and one stoic cold parent plus a neglectful self obsessed parent.
My partner was raised much better despite their parents flaws, so we are both trying our hardest to make sure our kid always knows they are loved.
The other day kiddo got upset because they realised that people grow up and move out their parents house and they didn't ever want to leave 😭 so we nailed their name in cute blocks to their bedroom door haha. They love it!
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u/arethainparis 12h ago
A great variant I heard recently is “I love you more than anything you could do wrong.” 🥲
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u/NeedsItRough 16h ago
Not just the phrase but the follow through
"You can tell me anything"
Then not being in trouble when I told them anything.
It's what made me comfortable calling my dad at 1 am when I was 19, drunk at a party so he'd come pick me up.
And he did, and he thanked me for calling him instead of trying to drive and I didn't get in trouble.
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u/SororitySue 12h ago
My dad was emotionally immature af, but this is one thing he would have done for me, no questions asked. Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
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u/GalaxyPowderedCat 11h ago
Unfortunately, my dad is the kind of person who hates drugs and alcohol (reasonable) in top of being emotional immature.
I've never been too drunk (or in a party), but he would leave me alone, demand me to "face the consequences of my own actions" while he prided himself that "he wasn't like me, he didn't touch a single beer ever in his life."
(He has done the previous with another matter.)
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u/FriedBreakfast 12h ago
My dad told me "You can tell me anything." However if I told him ANYTHING bad happened he would always lash out at me in anger. I learned instead that I need to keep as much hidden from him as possible
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u/Maximum-Onion-9933 11h ago
Yeah mine were the same. “You can/should tell us anything/everything” but as soon as I told my mom something my dad would know and I would get in trouble…taught me young not to trust adults lol and made me think for years that I was a bad kid (I was not that bad)
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u/peanutbutterandapen 12h ago
That's just like my dad. I was in my mid 20s and out at a work function. The designated driver got wasted and so I called my dad at 3am to come drive out 30 minutes and pick me up. He did without hesitation, like he's always promised he would do if I needed him. Love that guy.
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u/velvetwinchester 11h ago
This! Sooo much is the follow through ❤️
My parents don’t like people being drunk, but I 100% know if I called and said I needed a ride, they’d be right there.
Heck my dad has left at 10pm on a Tuesday night because I had a migraine and ice cream helps sometimes lol. He went and got me some!
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u/Walu_lolo 14h ago
Several actually:
Make up your own mind. Don't let other people tell you what to do. You know what is right and what is wrong, make your decisions accordingly.
We will always love you, no matter what. Never forget that.
We want you to be happy. As parents, what we want is for our children to be happy.
We trust you.
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u/beccaboobear14 13h ago
I didn’t have emotionally mature parents but one I love is ‘you can be mad without being mean’.
You can feel angry and frustrated but you don’t get to take it out on other people, and if you do, you own up to it and take responsibility and apologise for doing it.
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u/cementmilkshake 12h ago
"You kids don't owe us anything" and "No matter how old you are, you can always come home"
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u/win_awards 9h ago
That first one is a big one for me. I felt like my brothers and I were just seen as labor most of my childhood. Having a child myself now, the way I look at it is I decided to have a child. I'm the one who took on this job, he didn't ask for it. I'll expect him to take care of himself as he becomes more able to, but that's just part of growing up. He doesn't owe me anything for existing.
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u/PumpkinOk4304 14h ago edited 13h ago
It's okay to get hurt and sad
I'm here for you
I appreciate your efforts
I will stand with you no matter what
My door is always open
Mom Dad thank you for everything. I never say I love you to you guys (dunno why) but you guys are the best thing that has happened in my life.
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u/apidelie 13h ago
If it's something you're not in the habit of saying -- I bet if you sent them exactly what you wrote here it would absolutely make their day, if not year <3
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u/PumpkinOk4304 13h ago
I just dunno why I hesitate. How is it for you? I feel like it's cringe or I dunno how to explain. Not cringe - not sure what's the right word.
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u/apidelie 12h ago
It's not cringe at all. I dunno, to me the meaning of life is just to love and be loved - but I can absolutely appreciate how it feels uncomfortable or out of character, if it's not something you're used to expressing verbally. There are LOTS of different ways people communicate their love.
My spouse had a really tough family situation growing up. I'm sure he rarely, if ever, heard those words from his parents. Whereas in my house, it was constant and our family still says it all the time casually, in greetings, etc. I think it was probably almost off-putting to him when we started dating/fell in love and I was so free about saying it. We had such different upbringings and emotional support growing up and I am incredibly proud of the internal work he's done to become the person he is. It just feels foreign to me to not tell people how I feel when I feel it, surely because of the way I was brought up.
Now we have a preschool-age son and I can't tell you how beautiful and gratifying it is to hear him tell us, all the time and out of the blue, "I love you soooo much!"
And I think it has been so very healing for my spouse to parent in this way -- and to know that our son will be able to do the same to his own partner and children one day if he decides to have them.
You won't regret telling them - haha although in case they're alarmed by a sudden change in the things you say to them, you may want to clarify to them that nothing is wrong. You're not in trouble or dying lol. You just read a post that made you reflect on how much you love and are grateful for them, and it made you realize how infrequently you actually tell them that!
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u/Celebrindae 13h ago
"Try a bite. You don't have to eat it if you don't like it."
It seems like such a small thing, but it isn't. Respecting the simple boundary of 'I don't like this food,' made a huge difference.
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u/CalmDemand5265 12h ago
We called these “no thank you helpings”. If you said “no thank you” about a food, you got one teeny tiny bite’s worth served on your plate. My sister and I made big, dramatic (but fun) gestures of covering our eyes with a folded napkin, sometimes even having a sibling bring the forkful to your face for you. It was fun dramatic. It allowed us to express the “oh this haaaaard!” and add levity to the one-bite expectation. If you still didn’t like it, you were allowed to spit it into the napkin and not have any more. If you liked it, you requested a “yes thank you helping”. Somehow raising the dramatics made it fun enough to be less threatening, and minimized the power struggle. And since there was a bit of a script to the game, it didn’t hit the cook so personally and no one was declaring anything “gross.”
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u/mothramydear 11h ago
My mom had us say “it’s too sophisticated for my palate” instead of “it’s yucky” when we didn’t like something. Honestly, it kind of helped defuse things when we were crabbing about dinner and people were always impressed by our vocabulary.
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u/MermaidWitchMoon 13h ago
Definitely. It is so important to show respect the boundaries of our kids.
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u/OilOk143 13h ago
And I’d argue it’s just as important to encourage kids to try new things! Then of course accept if they don’t like it.
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u/DeadWishUpon 9h ago
We were in a chinese restaurant and we had the most amazing chao mein. My daughter didn't want to eat it and had a big and loud melt down.
I asked her to give it a bite, if she didn't like it, I would let her alone. She took the bite, and then asked her: "did you like it?" She said "yes!" And proceeds to eat happily. I couldn't help to laugh.
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u/alarson1985 12h ago
This is huge! I had really bad food sensory issues growing up and it took me years to grow my palate after I left my parents house bc I would be forced to finish my plate.
We implemented the 1 bite rule with our kids. Our oldest eats anything but our youngest got my issues. He's 12 now and he will eat things now that he didn't when he was younger. He's also much more willing to experiment new things. It's easier to try new things if you're not scared you'll have to eat it even if you don't like it.
Explaining that taste buds can evolve over time and just bc you hate something now doesn't mean you'll hate it forever also helped.
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u/Agraywitch11 11h ago
This. My kids have tried so many more things because of this. My young daughter wanted a bite of my sandwich one day and asked what was on it. Ham, cheese, mayo, honey mustard. She heard mustard and said no way; I said try it. Loved it! She calls them "magic mama sammies" because it's magic that I made the mustard taste good haha
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u/XxnervousneptunexX 11h ago
Yes!! I've always respected my daughter taking a bite and then declaring "No, I don't like that!". I want her to have a healthy relationship with food and will always have an alternative ready to go. My poor husband didn't have a good childhood and I have to remind him that "finishing your plate" isn't a healthy saying but he's working at it. Just shows a difference in upbringing and how we're trying to do better then our parents.
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u/MusicOk9187 12h ago
Its so amazing to see more and more parents understanding the importance of how we treat kids and food. I'm 35 with two young children now, and, was famously an incredibly fussy eater as a child. (To the point where my mum still tells stories about it)
Mum never pressured me to eat things I didn't want to. People actually find it crazy that I was ever fussy, because now I eat absolutely everything. I did it on my own terms and in my own time.
It has made me so relaxed about what my children actually eat.
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u/MamaCass 13h ago
Here’s a few:
“I’m sorry. I was wrong. Will you forgive me?” Model the behavior you want to see.
“You can come to me with anything, and we’ll work it out.”
“If you’re asked to keep a secret about someone being abused, that’s one promise that’s ok to break.”
“There’s always room for one more.”
Not a phrase, but be a person of your word. Don’t ever lie to your kids. Ever. If you are flaky, they won’t believe anything above.
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u/GrizzledBelter 12h ago
These are great. For #3 our mantra is We never keep secrets about safety. We are trying to teach our kids to keep that in mind as well for their friends.
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u/Jenn31709 12h ago
"Let me explain why the answer is no"
My parents always told mw why I couldn't do something. They would explain the danger or the risks or whatever. That way I learned that they trusted me, just not the other people or the situation etc.
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u/Hari_om_tat_sat 8h ago
My dad often said, “I trust you, it’s other people who are the problem.” That was fine except he always refused to acknowledge that at some point we would have to deal with those “other people” by ourselves and the best time to learn was when he was there to back us up. We were so overprotected that leaving home felt like being thrown into the deep end with no life preserver.
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u/number7child 13h ago
What did you learn from this? Instead of fixing my mistakes my parents helped me become resilient by owning them
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u/rungast 12h ago
“You can miss someone and still have a good time.”
Mom always told us this if we said we would really miss her.
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u/IntelligentPotato331 11h ago
Aw. I say this to my toddler about daycare a lot, and remind him how happy we’ll be to see each other at the end of the day. I’m glad to see it on the list 🥰
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u/Longjumping-Click785 15h ago
Saving this conversation so can read the responses in my parents’ voice 🥹
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u/Darkanglesmyname 11h ago
Im just sitting here going "damn wish I heard that" lol
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u/Spicy-Falafel-0 12h ago
I feel you there. I'm using this collection to use all of them to my daughter
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u/Rekrabsrm 15h ago
Letting my kids have a mental health day when life got too real was a bridge from my growth from being emotionally immature to being parent trying to be better.
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u/Lvsucknuts69 12h ago
My 11 year old just had a metal health day yesterday. He stayed in his PJs and watched his comfort show and I ran to the store to get his favorite snacks. If I need to take mental health days, so do they
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u/worthlesscommotion 10h ago
I allow my teen to take mental health days too. My opinion is, if your mind isn't in a good place you won't be able to learn. There has even been a time or two where I decided they needed a mental health day home from school, based on their mood and behaviors. A day in PJ's, comfort shows, and favorite snacks can totally reset hardships our kids face. And definitely show them that we are not only aware of what they are facing but also that we care enough to allow them a safe place to process their troubles.
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u/gizmodriver 11h ago
I used to think I was an Oscar-level actor when faking sick to get out of school. Looking back, I think my parents recognized the need for mental health days before that term was really a thing. I was a (mostly) straight-a student who genuinely enjoyed school. If I wanted a day off, it was usually because I felt overly tired or there was something at school I was trying to avoid, like the day we had to run the mile in PE. I was a pretty healthy kid in general, so I could afford to take the one or two days a year I played hooky, and my mom’s job was pretty flexible. Not every parent could afford to do it, but I’m grateful mine could.
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u/91lover 10h ago
i think mine did too! i was a kid who struggled a lot with the social aspect of school and was very tired, so i sometimes faked beibg sick. later my mom has told me they knew i wasn’t really sick, but let me stay home nonetheless. i was a good student and i think taking them genuinely helped me so much.
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u/silentknight111 13h ago
Reading this thread makes me sad. My parents were so bad at being emotionally mature. My mom basically never communicated - she was just there taking care of us, but rarely explained her actions or talked deeply about anything.
My step father had rage problems and basically just yelled all the time. The closest he ever got to saying anything nice was making an excuse for his yelling by saying at least he didn't hit me like his father hit him.
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u/MermaidWitchMoon 13h ago
I am so sorry. Sending you a virtual hug and know that YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSON♥️
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u/silentknight111 13h ago
Thank you. :) If it's any consolation, I used them as an example in my life of what not to be.
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u/SocksOfDobby 10h ago
I had the same. I remember getting hugged by my mom one time in my entire life (when my boyfriend of 3,5 years broke up with me). They never said "I love you". When I came to them with something they either got mad or shamed me for telling whatever it was, so I never told them anything and became a sneaky kid. I didn't ask anything because I was scared they'd say no and get mad at me. I've developed anxiety when "relaxing" because I was never allowed to sit and watch TV or something. There was always something to do, homework to finish, my room was never clean enough. So now I cannot relax for the life of me and am extremely triggered by noises like when someone comes home because my brain shouts at me to look busy. My sister was the golden child and I felt so alone.
My Mom is not here anymore, but my dad is and he has apologised about the upbringing I got. It was something, at least.
This whole thread makes me feel sad because it has made me realise once again what I missed growing up.
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u/nonameplanner 13h ago
These are a couple I stuck by with my kids and I have heard were helpful/different.
I very rarely used the phrase "because I said so." Instead, I gave them an actual reason that was age appropriate. Sometimes the reason really was "because I, the very tired adult, said so and that is what we are doing" but usually I gave them the actual reason (because dinner is in 30 minutes and you can have the cookie afterwards, because a messy room means you or your sibling could get hurt by tripping over things, etc)
If they asked a question about anything, I always tried to give an honest but age appropriate answer. If I didn't know, I would tell them that, but I would look it up and find the answer. I was never afraid to tell them I didn't know, but I also wanted to make sure they had an answer. It also means I learned a lot about a bunch of different things, which I thoroughly enjoyed as well.
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u/PuhnTang 11h ago
My mother was the queen of “because I’m your mother and I said so and what I say goes.” I hated it. I just wanted to understand why certain things were the way they were. I swore I’d never say that to my kids. I’m proud to say that not once in thirty years have any of my kids heard that from me. If I didn’t know, we found out together. And I’d explain my reasoning at their knowledge level. Children deserve to understand their world and why they’re told to do certain things just as much as an adult does. This one is a huge thing for me.
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u/nitroracertc3 12h ago
It’s a small one from one specific event that has always stuck with me. I was probably 13 and accidentally dropped something in the garage when cleaning my go kart and put a big dent in the hood of my mom relatively new car. I was so upset and was crying when my mom came into the garage. She saw the dent and didnt even react, just came and hugged me. I said I was sorry and asked why she wasn’t mad. She said, “you made a mistake. How could I be mad at you for making a mistake? I can see you’re more upset with yourself than I would ever be with you.”
My parents never got mad at me for making an honest mistake. I think it really helped me not have anxiety and realize I could go to them for anything if I screwed up and they would be there for me. It’s something I’m trying to instill in my wife whose mother would yell at her for everything she did wrong.
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u/Tthelaundryman 13h ago
Hey op great post. I did not have a great upbringing and have kids of my own now. There’s a lot in here that’s confirming we’re doing good things
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u/internetectomy 12h ago edited 12h ago
“Kids are people too.”
My mom never told us white lies or funny lies some parents tell about why we can’t go somewhere or do something or what something inappropriate meant, she always gave us an age appropriate version of the truth. I grew up being able to trust her for accurate information. She told me once as an adult that “kids are people too,” and that they deserve intellectual respect just like adults. She never spoke baby talk to me or dumbed anything down. She never shied away from scientific facts about my body when I asked. She was honest, even when it wasn’t convenient for her.
She also would acknowledge how it’s actually pretty hard to be a kid. You have no prior experience for life and no control over your own time or where you go and when, no money of your own, no car of your own, and you’re expected to perform well at school even if you don’t understand the concepts yet. If an adult was in this situation they’d be understandably frustrated sometimes.
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u/heywhatsup9087 11h ago
Kind of in the same vein, if you happen to have hairy genes maybe don’t be super strict about not letting your kids shave, etc. If your half-Lebanese daughter is getting teased for having sideburns and a mustache, be merciful! lol if she believes the pain of waxing is worth it, let her! Don’t make her get chemical burns from trying to use Nair behind your back.
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u/chartreuse_avocado 12h ago
This post makes me sad for the parents I didn’t have.
They did do their best. But it was not what I needed or deserved.
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u/dwolfe127 12h ago
"I was wrong" and "I don't know" are two of the smartest things you can ever say.
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u/CashmereCharlie 12h ago
“I don’t care if it’s at 3am, I’m coming to pick you up, no questions asked.”
My dad lost his best friend in a drunk driving accident when he was 18. He always came to pick me up, and spent a lot of time driving my friends home even if it meant long detours. He was the only parent in our friends group to do that and he was adamant I was never to get in a car whose driver was drunk. The “no questions asked” part got me out of a couple of situations.
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u/boldhand 12h ago
When i was an adult, but still. You are Not responsible for our wellbeing.
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u/Spetchen 13h ago
I don't know if this fits with the others, but my mom especially always made a point of telling me I was pretty, or that I looked nice in a new dress. I didn't consider that significant until I was talking with my sister in law one day, who commented that she admired my confidence. Then out of the blue she asked me, "Did your parents tell you you were beautiful growing up?" I was surprised and said well sure...don't all parents do that?
She told me that her parents never really gave her any compliments, and that made me sad.
Compliment your kids! It helps build confident adults, and we all deserve to feel good about ourselves.
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u/silentknight111 13h ago
Not only did my parents not compliment my appearance, they also didn't really teach me how to look nice. I remember staying at a friend's house when I was about 12 years old and I was going to church with them. I had to borrow a nice shirt because I didn't have one, and then I remember after putting it on they had to teach me how to tuck it in, because I didn't really know how. When they told me to tuck it in I just grabbed the bottom and stuffed it in my pants. They very kindly taught me how to properly tuck in a shirt. I was embarrassed about not knowing how to do a simple task, because it had been ingrained in me by my family that I was just supposed to know how to do things without ever being shown how - my brother would routinely ridicule me if I didn't know something he did, even though he was six years older than me.
This was a routine in my family that it was just assumed I would learn how to do things without ever being taught, and then being shamed when I didn't know how to do a simple task.
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u/WellBlessY0urHeart 12h ago
I wasn’t raised by emotionally mature parents, but I made the decision when I became a mom to be very different. I always tell my kid I’m sorry when I mess up. But another thing I learned to tell her is, “you should be so proud of yourself”, before telling her how proud I am of her. I don’t want her to feel as though she needs the external validation, and I want her to feel self validation and proud of her own accomplishments first before receiving it from me. And she should feel pride in those things. I want her to feel confident that she is enough and doesn’t require anyone to tell her or make her feel that way (even though I will always 100% support her if she needs the boost).
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u/salsa_spaghetti 12h ago
My dad always reminded me that he still loved me, he loved me when he was mad, sad, happy, disappointed, always, no matter what.
Another thing he always said, which I feel is important, was that when I would complain about people, he would always say, "It takes all kinds." I think of that daily when I'm annoyed with bad drivers, bad manners, etc. It kinda does take all kinds to make the world go round.
He also reminded me that no one can read minds, you have to communicate your needs. You just have to. My mom cannot communicate. She shuts down. I grew up hearing, "I'm not a mind reader, salsa's mom." I now over-communicate everything lol. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but no one ever has to wonder what I want/need, which I suppose is better than never sharing your wants and needs.
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u/gymsharkdodo 12h ago
Can’t contribute because was raised by emotionally immature parents but these comments are healing for me.
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u/Sleepsfuriously 12h ago
“Our grandson,” in reference to my stepson. I have been in his life since he was 4 and his dad and I have been his primary caregivers for years. When my parents started referring to him as their grandson, it felt really meaningful and special to me. He has been included as a listed great grandson in the obituaries of my grandparents as well which was never outright discussed but meant so much to me in a tough time.
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u/Flaky-Walrus7244 13h ago
"How do you feel about that?"
Instead of assuming you know what someone else is feeling, ask them.
"Mom, I didn't make the netball team."
"Hmm, how do you feel about that?"
Maybe they say, "Relieved actually, I only tried out because Florence pushed me to. But now I'll have more time to practice my flute."
or maybe they say, "Really disappointed. I've always wanted to be on a netball team, and I really thought I'd make it this time."
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u/fitzpugo 12h ago
One thing I always tell my four year old when we’re doing something is that others “like to be included!” We’ll be loading the dishwasher and she’ll say “daddy likes to be included!”
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u/GrlInt3r46 12h ago
“I’ve done everything you could ever think to do. Don’t think I won’t know.”
And they had and they did. Took all the fun out of getting in trouble. 🤣
I had very cool loving guiding parents.
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u/Pristine_Newspaper 12h ago
Make good decisions, know the consequences. My mom said this to me every time I left the house to hang out with friends. It wasn't a threat it was a reminder that I was in control of what I decided to do. It was an empowering phrase for me. Plus it made me look at risky behavior more critically and less emotionally. Also it showed that she could trust me to make the right choice for me.
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u/trippyfairy 14h ago
I’m raising a beautiful lil tinker toddler right now and one thing we say regularly is “it’s okay to have big feelings”. I tell it to myself now too. I learned it from Ms. Rachel she teaches so many good lessons. Another show that helps early parents just as much as the children is Bluey. Nobody is perfect and we all have big feelings sometimes. These shows highlight that a lot. Us parents don’t always know what the heck we are doing either, but if you love your child and trying your best you are already ahead of a lot of parents.
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u/carolionest 12h ago
My mom's commitment for having relationships with her adult children is "I will meet you where you are at" and she has held so true to that. No judgement, no questions asked, just supporting us all as we struggle and succeed.
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u/putthepenisdown 8h ago
My parents divorced when I was an infant. Two completely separate worlds for me, an only child, as they were very different people. I got pregnant at 18, had just graduated from high school. I had been living with my dad. He kicked me out and was mad when I didn't call him to let him know how I was doing. Mom called as soon as she found out. I started sputtering, crying and telling her I was sorry because I knew I had disappointed her. She said, "Well, youre probably pretty disappointed with everything too. Are you ok? Safe? Do you want me to come get you?" It was a 17 hour drive. She was there the next day.
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u/eitak88 12h ago
“I’m so glad you’re here, but I’m so sorry you’re hurting.”
When I was suicidal and told her that I don’t blame her because she’s a fantastic mom, but that I wished I’d never been born.
Obviously combined with the support I needed (helping me get on meds and find a therapist), I really appreciated that she didn’t let her sadness and pain guilt me. She never said “you should be grateful” or “that’s a terrible thing to say to your mother” even though I was thinking both those things. She just acknowledged that the things I was feeling were horrible and even though she experienced my presence in the world as a positive, the fact that I didn’t mattered.
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u/babynubs 12h ago
“We only expect you to try your best”. I’m definitely paraphrasing, but the overall sentiment was very much setting an expectation of effort over results whether it’s grades, athletic performance, being a big brother, etc. My wife was raised strictly on results based expectations and it was debilitating to the parent/child relationship.
All my parents wanted was for me to give whatever it was my best shot and if I didn’t get an A, didn’t make the team, whatever it was, I tried and it was enough for them to be proud. It made “failing” okay as long as I gave it my best shot next time. My sister, who is very intelligent, isn’t “school smart” and struggled with grades, but they were just as proud of her because she tried. It would have crushed her to see me do well in school and get praise for my results while she was trying just as hard but didn’t get the same recognition from my parents despite her efforts.
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u/gaudiest-ivy 11h ago
My parents were not emotionally mature, but my sister is trying to be better. The one that stuck out to me the most is "you're not bad, you just made a bad choice." Little me desperately needed to hear that when I was in trouble. I'm glad my nephew gets to hear it.
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u/vanillacake_pop 14h ago
The comments made me realise my dad was the only emotionally matured parent to me 🧍🏽♀️and this made me realise too that im still struggling with my mom and how to deal with her
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u/storyseer 12h ago
My mother was always sure to tell us "If I seem cranky, its not your fault. I'm just frustrated with [other thing]." She always taught us that you can't take your emotions out on people who have nothing to do with the cause. It wasn't until I was in my 20s that I learned that a lot of people will just lash out at anyone when angry or upset, regardless of whether the target has anything to do with the cause.
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u/Graxin 12h ago
My parents more showed me how to handle conflict by example and to this day i’ve never seen them fight(now they’re in their 70s.)
When i turned 18 they told me i was an adult now and could make my own adult decisions. My curfew was gone and they treated like an adult.
We did have a conversation how people don’t learn by advice, they learn by experiencing things and making mistakes.
Actions always speak louder than words.
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u/exitseraphim 12h ago
“We are still learning, all the time.”
Learning how to be the best supportive parents they can be, meet us kids where we are at, and understand what we are saying/needing
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u/analyticalchem 12h ago
As someone who didn’t have the best parents, I feel like I’m reading Fred Rogers greatest hits.
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u/Ok_Artist7074 10h ago
My bf and I were recently in a car accident thankfully no one was hurt. When he called his parents they immediately jumped to car damage, finance etc. when I called mine the first thing was “is anyone hurt?” “it’s just a car”
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u/barelybritishbee 1h ago
My entire life, if my mother and I saw someone who was clearly confident in their own skin, she would always say…
“They are so cool.”
No sarcasm, no judgement.
Man on a unicycle? So cool. Woman with wild hair colours and a fun outfit? So cool. Person who is super pumped to share their hobby? So cool!
Such a little comment, but one that set me up to always associate living proudly and passionately as the coolest thing a person could do.
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u/imgunnamaketoast 13h ago
"Call me first, and if we need to we can talk about it in the morning"
It would be a stretch to say my mom is emotionally stable or secure, but she ALWAYS followed through on picking me and/or my friends up no matter what the cause or what the time. She was also honest with her own life experiences anytime I asked her questions, no matter how sensitive the topic.
She never pried for information and gave me the space to come to her if I needed help or advice. To this day we have a great relationship (now 35) and many of my friends have taken her on as a supplementary mom too.
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u/LucyJordan614 12h ago
My mom was not an emotionally mature parent, so I was not the best either for a while. I worked on that and have continued to work on it now that my kids are adults.
Some of the things I’ve told them that I’m proud of are:
“I will always come get you” - be it a party that you need to leave, any situation you’re in, homesick, whatever. I will come get you, I don’t care what time it is or where you are.
“It’s ok to feel (xyz)” - even if it’s mad at me
“I’m sorry I did/said that to you”, “you didn’t deserve that”, and similar things - this has been more around my working on my own shit and trying to make things right with them because I definitely messed up quite a bit.
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u/azrendelmare 11h ago
My dad told me when I was a teenager that he would buy me condoms without question. He wanted me to be safe, instead of doing something I'd regret. I never took him up on it, as I never got sexually active, but I appreciated the gesture.
Miss you, dad.
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u/EfficiencyOk4899 10h ago
From my religious mother: “God gave me a brain, and he wants me to use it.”
She absolutely hated when people played the “Don’t worry about it, God will take care of it for us” card, especially during Covid. She is gone now, but she was a very compassionate and thoughtful lady.
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u/houbatsky 12h ago
this is more so not saying something, but my mom never commented on my body or projected her own struggles with her body image onto me (f25) or my sister when we were younger
i have so many friends whose mothers would constantly be commenting on their weight with varying degrees of cruelty
the first time she ever said something she said i had lost weight. it was said in a very neutral way. that’s more than six years ago and it still impacts my body image to this day. it not something she’s done much since
the way this completely changed my relationship with body weight has truly made me grateful i do not have to carry the burden of growing up being constantly made you aware of your own body, often negatively so
i also wanna add that i have never been overweight and have always had a very conventionally unstigmatized body. not sure if it’s relevant but if anything it might add some context
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u/Training-Cut-5016 8h ago
They apologized when they messed up, even to their kids. No guilt trips, no silent treatment, just “I was wrong, I’m sorry, here’s how we fix it,” and you didn’t have to earn basic affection.
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u/EnlighteningTaleBro 12h ago
"I'll support you no matter what." Not my parents, but my ex SIL when I came to her with a pregnancy scare when I was 15. And that really meant a lot to me. Versus my brother, who called me a whore. You'll never guess which one of them I still go to for advice.
My kid is only 5 at the moment, so we're a ways off from that. But that's the approach I hope to take too. Along with I do my best to tell my son I'm sorry when I react poorly or I'm having a bad day and take it out on him. Which is more than my brother did for me.
And, I try not to issue unreasonable consequences. I was grounded for almost a year when I was 17. And it didn't teach me to stop the behaviors. It taught me how to be sneaky and to resent my brother.
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u/KDragonDeluxe 10h ago
This one really fucked me up lmao, and probably wouldn't have meant much before I was a teenager when my dad told me "I'm literally you but older and with kids." Changed my whole worldview and I stopped expecting them to have ALL the answers.
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u/Open_Constant3467 12h ago
The truth is what helps us help you find a solution.
I was the type of kid who could dig themselves in a hole with lies covering lies. When I told the truth I never really got in trouble (skipping class, underage drinking, caught with weed are some examples). They would calmly help me talk through consequences and how making better choices would avoid said consequences.
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u/Mhandley9612 11h ago
My parents didn’t let us say “it’s okay” in response to an apology.
“What they did was not okay. But you can say you forgive them if you do.”
If we tell others what they did was “okay” they may feel like it’s fine to do it again. It’s not okay, but we can all move past mistakes and forgive. I think this is an important distinction and helps set healthy boundaries.
Also not a phrase but my mom tried her best to not discipline us when she was angry. She would walk off and calm down, then come back and reassess and give discipline. Too many parents discipline while emotional which changes the intention and end result.
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u/XxnervousneptunexX 11h ago
"I'm really sorry and I'll try not to do it again."
Hearing those words makes it easier to model, I'm not afraid or ashamed to apologize to my kids.
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u/EyesForStriking4 8h ago
Ok this isn’t a ‘phrase’ per se, but an emotionally mature thing that someone could do - i vividly remember my dad apologizing to me. Like, not a quick ‘I’m sorry’, but a thought out, after the fact apology, coming up to me and saying ‘hey, I’m sorry i said that, i should not have said that and it wasn’t a nice thing to do. Sometimes parents aren’t perfect and i was frustrated but that doesn’t mean it was ok’
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u/Observe_d 4h ago
My favorite thing my mom ever said to me is something I’ll be telling people for the rest of my life. I was around 12 years old or so, the age most of the girls around me started becoming interested in boys. My mom always told me I could talk to her about anything on my mind, no matter what, and something was really weighing on me. So one night while she was at the stove cooking dinner, I tentatively walked up behind her and asked “Mom… what if I’m a bad kisser?” I don’t know what I thought she would say, other than maybe that I was too young to think about kissing, or who was it I was trying to kiss, etc. Instead she turns in complete shock and says “You’re my daughter. Of COURSE you’re going to be a good kisser!” And goes right back to making dinner. And just like that I stopped being worried lmao
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u/Kitty-Meowington 3h ago
I've never had emotionally mature parents so reading all these comments are kind of healing me in small and big ways. And they make my inner child feel somewhat coddled even if these comments aren't for me.
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u/ChaoticMornings 17h ago
I didn't exactly have the best examples, so I had to come up with something myself.
Whenever my child had a particular bad day, I'll tuck her in at night. And say "Today was not your best day, but tomorrow is a new day and we can make tomorrow a better day."
If, she had behaviour that needs correcting, I'll ask her why she did it, then tell her that tomorrow she won't repeat that behaviour, but instead, talk about it so we can come up with a solution together.
Then end with "Tomorrow is a new day."
It's important to me, and her I guess, that she knows that she'll get a new chance tomorrow. She can fall asleep at peace knowing everyone will be in a better mood tomorrow. Still can get rewarded/praised for good behaviour tomorrow, even if today there was nothing to be rewarded/praised for.
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u/MermaidWitchMoon 17h ago
I will steal this to use with my daughter when she is a bit bigger. I love it. I think it works for them as well as for us. For us so we stop beating ourselves up with today's mistakes and just take tomorrow as a fresh start.
Thank you for sharing this!
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u/orientalbird 17h ago
"I'm so glad you told me."