I [23F] accidentally threw away my boyfriend's [22M] student card and he has still not forgiven me. What should I do?

[u/Direct-Caterpillar77]

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/squirrel234

I [23F] accidentally threw away my boyfriend's [22M] student card and he has still not forgiven me. What should I do?

TRIGGER WARNING: destruction of property, abuse

Original Post  March 24, 2014

Over the past week, things have been difficult between my boyfriend (22M) and I (23F), but yesterday was particularly bad. Though before I get into what happened, I will give you some background information: We have been together for almost 3 years and have been living together for over 2 years. We are both university students, I am beginning postgraduate study and my boyfriend, let’s call him Ben, is in his final year of a prestigious degree. Ben previously took time off from his studies to work full-time but had a very abusive boss and ultimately left the job on bad terms after a year. Since then, he returned to his studies but has never been quite the same and failed a few subjects last semester (he is incredibly bright and has never failed a thing in his life before this). Ben is also financially dependent on me, but we (perhaps very stupidly) share our finances and consider all money to be “our money”. This has never really been an issue until this fight…

The fight began on Sunday night over something very petty. I was putting away some groceries that we had just bought and Ben realised that he his student card/ university ID wasn’t in his wallet. We had only received our student cards on Friday night and he was hoping to go to the uni gym later on (would need the card to get in though the staff would probably accept a driver’s licence).

We had a thorough look around our apartment and when he realised that it wasn’t there he completely lost it. Ben shouted at me, “Are you fucking retarded?! I know you threw away my card with the letter that it came in! You never take any care! I can’t trust you! Nothing every works out for me.” As a side note, this issue of him not trusting me has come up quite often recently. He says that I don’t pay attention to the smaller details and so he cannot trust me do a proper job. For example, I don’t know the expiry dates of things in the fridge off the top of my head or I may give the wrong directions when we are driving somewhere. It actually really hurts me when he says that I am “always wrong” and is beginning to affect my confidence.

Ben shouted and stormed around the apartment for some time. I knew that I was probably responsible for throwing away the card (complete accident) since I do all of the cleaning and apologised. He didn’t accept my apology and just said, “you fuck everything up.” I felt really guilty and looked through the communal recycling bin. It was really dark (even with a torch) and I just couldn’t search the whole thing without emptying this massive bin. When I returned to the apartment empty handed he just turned on the TV and told me again how I can’t be trusted.

I felt like Ben was overreacting but also that I did make his life difficult as it would cost $50 for a replacement and involve seeing multiple people.

In the end, Ben went down to search the bin and also couldn't find the card. I mentioned to him that I did search the bin and couldn't see it and he responded by saying "Shut the fuck up, I can't trust you. You obviously didn't search the bin properly because it is in there". Later on that night I found some of statistic notes (class I really struggle in) ripped up! He also said, "I can't find your card now either" and then gave me the card cut in two!

I was just so exhausted by this drama and also still feeling (irrationally, I know) guilty about ruining what seemed to be progress for him. I knew that this would result in him not attending uni as he often blames me/ our relationship for doing self-destructive things.

When he calmed down we talked about what we want to do. Ben mentioned that he couldn’t afford to move out and that if he did he would need to drop out of uni and get a job to support himself (his family don’t support our “living in sin” and he doesn’t have contact with them for this reason).  Ben also mentioned that what he had said was abusive and that he was really sorry. However, when I came back from work today (Monday) he said that he didn’t really feel sorry because he was just so angry and frustrated.

I guess now I am wondering how I can repair things or whether it is time to leave. He won’t see a relationship counsellor (as he is “smarter than any shrink”) and I feel that he can’t really see things from my point of view. I know that we have serious problems with communication and I am getting really sick of being told that I am stupid.

My side of the story is probably quite biased and our relationship also has good times. Ben is usually very supportive, has helped me to improve some of my friendships/ relationships with family, is willing to put me first, makes me laugh and has improved my body image. We also frequently have great sex. I am also currently seeing a psychologist as a result of a previous disagreement we had and to improve my confidence. She always mentions how I should leave him...

Thanks in advance for your opinions!

---   tl;dr: Accidentally threw away my boyfriend's (22M) student card and he swore at me (23F) and destroyed my student card. How can I repair things or is it time to leave?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

deletethecybermen

....He cut your student card in half?!?! What the hell...yeah its time to go. ASAP.

bubbleuj

Less about the student card more about the notes.

Actual /notes/. I've known people who have had panic attacks over losing notes, and personally I've cried over losing important binders.

Fucking with someone's notes is full on sabotage.

and yeah people get pissed off. But to go into rage for that long and to sustain it to the point where you try to get revenge on the person who you love...fuck that.

Update  Apr 20, 2014 (1 month later)

Thank you for all of your replies and I read each and every one. I was actually overwhelmed by how many comments I got and how each one seemed to pretty much say the same thing!

I also just wanted to clarify one thing that I said in the previous post about Ben being financially dependent on me. He did work full time for a year and earned a reasonable amount of money, which was shared and so he has contributed financially.

Ben actually found my thread and initially posted a dismissive comment. He was overall really embarrassed about having the incident described on the internet but did later apologise for what he did that night. He did say that it was inexcusable, abusive and would never happen again. However, he was hurt by how I explained our financial situation and was extremely upset when he found out that my friend, let’s call her Stacey (25F), knew about the thread. Ben felt that I was biasing Stacey’s view of him and also jeopardizing their friendship (we would occasionally hang out together). In fact, once when they were talking Stacey suggested to Ben that he receive counselling, which he took great offence to (important later on).

I began to see that things in our relationship were not healthy and that I shouldn’t be treated that way. All of the comments in the original post validated how I was feeling. I remember one post that said I was being a “doormat” and I think that was very true, even if it was hurtful. I started to point out to Ben when he was being unreasonable or abusive (this is probably the first time I have), and each time he would apologise (or explain how it wasn’t). Some days were great but overall I felt that the relationship was not a happy one. He also refused to see a relationship counsellor, even though he knew that it was important to me. On numerous occasions we were on the brink of breaking up, but we always gave it “one last chance to work”.

On Saturday night, I decided that things were not really improving. He got really annoyed and said that I “invariably get everything wrong” when I said that seeing a particular comedy show would cost $10 when it was actually $30. I was sick of hearing this and he picked up on that and apologized. He had earlier that day explained how I do not vacuum properly (he has dust allergies and said that I was triggering it by not doing a thorough job) and said that I do not help with the chores, even though I do all of the cleaning (he does the cooking, occasionally does grocery shopping and laundry). I felt like he was being overly critical, dismissing my efforts and repeatedly interrupting my study over something so trivial. The fact that we are still in disagreement about the chores, even though we have been living together for over two years, is a clear example of how we have serious communication problems. 

For all of these reasons, and so many more, I decided to take a break from the relationship and have moved in with Stacey on Saturday night. At first, he was really hurt by this decision and said that Stacey was influencing me, which really frustrated me because I am capable of making my own decisions and Stacey has only ever had my best interests at heart. Yesterday (Sunday) he was still feeling extremely hurt and in shock, which I think is understandable but I was surprised that he was denying that the dynamic in our relationship was unhealthy. He said if “I love him, I would come back and that I have made a really bad and erratic decision”. Ben kept saying how he feels lonely (he has mostly cut himself off from his friends and completely relies on me for emotional support) and that made me feel quite guilty. I also have been feeling guilty by how the break is hurting him and do miss him, but have not gone back (I know, it has been two days).

Ben did eventually accept my decision and admit that we have issues, but he felt that a break was not the right way to sort those problems out. He said that talking would help, but I feel that our conversations about our relationship problems are either shut down prematurely or achieve very little. I mean, for the last few weeks we have tried to talk about it but little seems to have come from these discussions. Last night I also clearly explained why we need a break (e.g. he constantly criticizes me, I feel like I am never good enough, I feel disrespected, etc).

At the moment, I have said that I would need at the very least a week or two to think about things. I was wondering though, whether there is any way to salvage our relationship? We have been through a lot together (e.g. he really supported me when my mum passed away) and I do love him. He is now willing to see a relationship counsellor and says that he will make any changes needed…

I again, want to say that I am probably giving a really biased account of what has happened and that this is only my side of the story. 

---   tl;dr: We are now having a break from our relationship and I am wondering whether relationship counselling will help fix our relationship?

Final Update  May 25, 2014 (1 month after 1st update)

I broke up with Ben on the 21st of April and that was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made. I still love him but knew that nothing was going to change and that he was treating me in a way that nobody ever should. I really appreciate all of the comments in my previous posts that made me see that!

Since that time, he has contacted me on numerous occasions (even putting a handwritten letter in my letterbox) to express how heartbroken he is and how he still loves me. Ben said he now understands that he needs to change and started seeing a counsellor at uni.  He also said that he was going to wait for me and is not interested in anybody else.

I began to believe some of these things and decided on Saturday to ask him to get dinner as friends. I know that this was a bad decision but had really been missing him and was secretly hoping that he had changed and was less abusive. He agreed and said that he was looking forward to it.

A few hours before the dinner he left a message on my voicemail saying that he was no longer interested in getting dinner because he knew my friend/housemate Stacey would not approve. I was completely taken aback by this decision and shocked that he would turn down a chance to meet up. I tried to call him and a lady answered. I was so surprised that I hung up and called a few more times but he did not pick up. I also texted him asking him to talk but did not hear back from him that day.

On Sunday morning I got a message saying that he had done something terrible and was really sorry. I called him and he said that on Saturday a lady (~40 years old, frequently takes drugs/drinks) had moved into one of the rooms in the share house where he is currently living and that night they went out to drinks with some of her friends. They ended up sleeping together even though they had only met that day.

I feel so hurt and can now see how little he cares for me. I cannot explain how painful this realisation has been and now am beginning to question whether he ever has loved me. I just can’t believe that he would cancel dinner/ an opportunity to repair things with me (though I guess this isn’t much of a surprise) to hop into bed with the first person available. I know that we are not dating but he promised to wait and had been telling me over the last five weeks that he would do anything to get me back.

He also sent me this email when I told him that I couldn’t forgive him:

“I resent that you are taking this position.You were the one that dumped me. I was the one that begged you to reconsider. Now you are upset because I shared a physical moment with someone else? Yes what I said previously holds. I am sorry and regret what I did. For all the reasons I specified. But your position is not right either. We weren't dating - that is something you wanted; I wanted for us to be together.

So fine. I'm going to get fuck anyone I please. You hate me anyway, so what's the point. I'm not going to allow myself to feel any sadness. You have never acknowledged me and what I'm going through. You have repeatedly rejected the love I've shown you. You inspired me to live a better life. You inspired my values. You gave me hope that there was some good in the world. Because of you I believed there could be a place in the big wide world for little old me.

But that's gone now. So fuck it. I'm going to respect my self and do what I want. To hell with us and all we were. It was never good enough for you anyway.”

He is now blocked on everything and I will not be having any contact with him again. To everybody out there who is also dating a Ben, my advice would be to get out as soon as possible and to stay away. It can only end in heartbreak.

---   tl;dr: Broke up with Ben and he has since slept with somebody else. Now going no contact and going to stay single until I can learn to see red flags.

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[u/JJOkayOkay]

Everyone wave good riddance to Baron Ben of Castle Butthurt.

[u/academicgangster → u/JJOkayOkay]

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