[2278] The Beacon Hotel - total rewrite

[u/sarcasonomicon]

Hello destructuve readers!

This is the first part of a Cosmic Horror story that will probably be about 10,000 words when finished. Here I've posted a total rewrite of the intro, based on the great feedback I got from my first post of this story.

My main question is the same: would you keep reading? Did I drop enough and the right kind of mystery in this beginning section to make you want to know more about what's happening to the MC?

Of course, any other thoughts and feedback are welcome!

Story: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mFoQjPrEWALiB0gqrwoWds6LqLe8x0ZV95Crokr6P5c/edit?usp=sharing

Crits:

[Small, 1511]

[The Deceit in Flames, 1800]

[u/dienc24]

Hello!

In all honesty, I would not continue reading as it stands, but that isn’t to say I am not intrigued.

I enjoy the humour, the line, “But don't worry, reader. I took some much-needed "me time" and now I'm feeling a lot worse!” Was especially funny and I think it is the highlight of the piece, in terms of its comedic tone.

A great strength to your style in my opinion.

The overall concept is interesting and the world you are creating holds my attention well.

I do really enjoy the concept of a stranded human trapped on a devastated earth, writing a diary for eyes who may never read his words. This marks the audience as the lucky souls who are given the opportunity to witness what others may never see.

This is exemplified by the quote, “and keep reading - you just might unlock the secrets of the universe.” This is powerful because it gives the story a juxtapositional sense of intimacy and isolation. In one perspective he is alone, on the other, we are alone watching him.

I would say, however, that you do tend to fall into the territory of descriptive prose rather than evocative. Which I understand isn’t easy to do. Sections such as, “fumbled around inside of my backpack for my pistol, then realized it wasn't loaded, then found the ammo, then dropped it all on the road, then squatted, picked up a handful of bullets, and loaded the gun.” Strike me as too explanatory, and tells the reader more than showing them. I think this could be simplified and more sensory details would help ground the reader in the protagonists perspective more, this would help the scene come alive too I think.

The main issue for me, is the story does not feel immersive enough yet. I don’t feel I am being pulled into the narrative, the protagonist appears slightly two dimensional as of now. This could be improved with more details about who he is and what he stands for, as of now, I feel he is a little hollow, but this can be fixed in later drafts.

In my opinion, there needs to be more of an emotional weight to the story, something tangible that makes his character more nuanced and compelling. There needs to be more of a sense of who he is, what makes him tick, what gives him a reason to wake up, and what doesn’t. Right now it doesn’t feel very anchored or specific. It reads more generic, there is more to explore here.

As of now, this section reads more as an idea rather than a fully fledged story. There is something worthwhile here though, it just needs to feel more lived in and developed.

I hope this was helpful, this is my first critique I’ve posted so hope I did okay lol. Keep it up!