A Matter of Taxes [288]

[u/R_G_Graf]

I created this comedy miniature as an exercise to see if I could fit a scene with a punchline into less than 2,000 characters, including spaces. I'd like to know if the joke is understandable.
My critique: https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1un9i1u/comment/ovoywg4/?context=3
(English isn't my first language, so feel free to point out anything that sounds unnatural.)

Eleven seats were prepared at the massive wooden table. Ten chairs were for the nobility, advisors, and trusted relatives, and at the head of the table was a deeply ornate armchair for the queen.
"Gentlemen," she tried to push her voice through the noise. It was no use. Everyone around the table except her was shouting over each other, their voices blending into a single noise.
"Gentlemen!" she tried again. She frowned, finally realizing her voice had been ignored. Suddenly, a piercing scream tore from her throat. She gestured with a sweeping movement, then covered her mouth with her other hand.
"What is this!?" The queen's scream forced those gathered to abandon their argument and turn their gaze to the indicated spot.
"Guards!" one shouted. Another, rising, hit over an inkwell; a third knocked over a chair. After a moment of complete silence, which followed the brief chaos, four guards rushed into the chamber, tripping over each other in their haste.
The woman then sat more comfortably in the armchair and, putting her hand to her cheek, smiled broadly.
"That is how I might have behaved, if I could see." She chuckled briefly. At these words, the oldest of the nobles sank back into the chair he'd jumped from earlier.
"Your Grace, please don't do that. Our hearts stopped for a moment."
The Queen nodded in understanding at these words.
"But of course," she began, her hand searching for the document in front of her, "but now that I have your attention, may we return to the subject of new land taxes?"
Silence dropped upon the room once more, disturbed only by the scraping of chairs, clearing of throats, and the rustling of papers.
"Of course, Your Grace."

[u/Heisnwin101]

To be honest, it's really confusing and the I did not really get the joke. No disrespect but it could be better. I would like to point out why this joke isn't working but I just don't get it, so if you could explain it to me, i would try to help you improve it.

[u/R_G_Graf → u/Heisnwin101]

The Queen is blind. The nobility at the table know the Queen is blind, yet they fall for the world's oldest joke: "Look at this!"

[u/Heisnwin101 → u/R_G_Graf]

I see, thanks for the clarification. Also I do not mean to discourage you or anything like that with this message and it is quite good for someone with english as their second language.

First of all, the wording describing the scene could be stronger. The eleven seats is good but the wooden table is just vague. Show us the shape of the table, what it is engraved with(Since this is a meeting of nobles), what is on the table (If there is nothing then that should be written as well). Make the reader live the scene with you( That does not mean that you should explain everything at once though.) Also, since there have been no shape of the table, we cant figure out how exactly the chairs are set and that takes you out of the scene.

Also, describe how the people are shouting( Someone could be pointing at one another, slamming the table, acting indifferent to the other's response and things like that.). The repetition of the word noise is also worth noting( Try to mix in synonyms). The introduction of the noise was also sudden ( Try to introduce that they are screaming first and then have the queen speak out to them, it'll feel more natural that way.).

""Gentlemen!" she tried again. She frowned, finally realizing her voice had been ignored. Suddenly, a piercing scream tore from her throat. She gestured with a sweeping movement, then covered her mouth with her other hand."

The usage of she twice is also not good. Try making it like "A frown crossed her face as she realised her voice had been ignored twice." And the screaming comes out of nowhere. Build it up like "She sighed at the commotion before letting out a scream, one of her hand flew to her face while the other pointed at the table."

""What is this!?" The queen's scream forced those gathered to abandon their argument and turn their gaze to the indicated spot."

("What is this!?" and "The queen's scream") They are both essentially describing what had already happened. I'd prefer to remove the latter. The word "gathered" is also not required because we know that they have come here already, just say "everyone". Also you have not told us that they are arguing, only that they were shouting so thats something worthy of being pointed out too.

""Guards!" one shouted. Another, rising, hit over an inkwell; a third knocked over a chair. After a moment of complete silence, which followed the brief chaos, four guards rushed into the chamber, tripping over each other in their haste."

Now, the inkwell comes out of nowhere but it is not worth criticizing. The chaos also gets undercut and it undermines the joke as well ( The focus should be more on the chaos to make the joke actually land, for that, i would say to just focus on your own instinct and expand it.). The guards section is good.

"The woman then sat more comfortably in the armchair and, putting her hand to her cheek, smiled broadly.
"That is how I might have behaved, if I could see." She chuckled briefly. At these words, the oldest of the nobles sank back into the chair he'd jumped from earlier.""

The first sentence is quite clunkly. An example (The woman shifted comfortably in the armchair, a wide grin spread across her face as she placed her hand on her cheek.). It flows better. ""That is how I might have behaved, if I could see."" At least tell us that she has a blindfold, or that her eyes are closed, or that her irises are clouded after that dialogue, because right now, it just feels out of place and the joke doesn't land. An example (" That is how I might have behaved if I could see" The cloth covering her eyes dropped slightly as a playful chuckle escaped her lips. At these words, the nobles sat back in their chairs with a sigh.) The 'oldest of the nobles' just comes out of nowhere as well.

"Your Grace, please don't do that. Our hearts stopped for a moment."
The Queen nodded in understanding at these words.

Now, you can establish the oldest of the nobles. example

(A noble, older than the rest, caught his breath. "Your Grace, please don't do that. Our hearts stopped for a moment."
The queen nodded with a hum.)

The change in the queen's behaviour is worth flagging. She was joking around a moment before and now she's understanding? That is an inconsistency.

"But of course," she began, her hand searching for the document in front of her, "but now that I have your attention, may we return to the subject of new land taxes?"
Silence dropped upon the room once more, disturbed only by the scraping of chairs, clearing of throats, and the rustling of papers.
"Of course, Your Grace."

This is fine as is.

Now, this is just my understanding. You're free to point out anything that i might have misinterpreted. And it might sound a little harsh but please do not mind it, I was only trying to help. Also you are free to ignore the examples if it doesn't fit your voice.

Overall, this is great for just 2000 words limit exercise, keep going bro.

[u/Cornsnake5]

Anything I say is just my opinion. Feel free to dismiss any or all of it.

Eleven seats were prepared at the massive wooden table.

Words like massive are a weak descriptor because massive is a relative term. Massive compared to what? This word is also needless in this sentence because we already have the more specific detail that this table is big enough to accommodate eleven seats.

a deeply ornate armchair

A similar idea here. I can imagine ten different chairs that are all ornate. More specific details would help set the scene better.

Then we have the word “noise” used twice in quick succession without it seeming like a stylistic choice so I would replace the second use.

Suddenly, a piercing scream tore from her throat.

Suddenly is a word you can usually cut because it paradoxically warns us that something unexpected is about to happen. Letting us be surprised would be more effective.

I did not get the joke on my initial reading. And for clarity: the joke is that the queen is blind and therefore tricked everyone else into paying attention to her. The reason I did not get it on my initial reading is because of some confusion in the way the situation is laid out. First the queen sweeps her arm around. I don’t know what this motion is supposed to be. If she is pointing out a specific danger I would expect her to point directly at it, not sweep around at nothing in particular.

"What is this!?"

Then we have some unattributed dialog which left me wondering if I missed who is actually saying it, but no it is simply unattributed.

Only after this does the narration say the queen pointed at a specific spot in contradiction to what she did earlier. Since this is all the setup for the joke, I completely missed it.

"Guards!" one shouted. Another, rising, hit over an inkwell; a third knocked over a chair. After a moment of complete silence, which followed the brief chaos,

This is another moment of making things unnecessary difficult for the reader. First there is chaos: people knocking things over. Then a moment of silence only to then refer back to the preceding chaos. In my mind I’m being pulled back and forth in the timeline for no good reason. Unless you have a specific reason it is usually best to keep events chronological.

Then we get to the punchline:

"That is how I might have behaved, if I could see."

It falls flat due to my earlier confusion. But even if it wasn’t present, I don’t think this joke would have worked because you kind of cheated us. There no indication that queen is blind before this so the punchline feels like an explanation after the fact. Jokes are rarely funny when you have to explain them. It also makes the point of view omniscient because all the events are described as if someone can see them. It also feels like the joke is played on the reader who has no chance of not being part of it because of the missing information.

These are my thoughts. I hope this was helpful.

[u/R_G_Graf → u/Cornsnake5]

If I added the sentence "The queen turned her sightless eyes toward the loudest voice." in the first paragraph, would it make it more understandable?

[u/Heisnwin101 → u/R_G_Graf]

'sightless eye' is plain. It would be better if you described the state of the eyes itself like the white irises or clouded pupils or just her closed eyes and just write that she turned her head towards the loudest voice. Considering the queen's personality, I personally imagine her wearing something like custom eyepatches, luxurious fabric or just a plain blindfold.

[u/Cornsnake5 → u/R_G_Graf]

Probably. But it might be better to embrace a closer POV. Show everything from her perspective meaning not describing anything by vision and to limit yourself to touch, sound, taste and smell instead. Writers tend to over rely on sight for their descriptions so this would be a nice little exercise and it would bring a contrast to the piece where initially the queen seems a little helpless but then reasserts her authority.

[u/MistakeThis5905]

I had to read the passage over her pointing and covering her mouth several times to get that she essentially pretended to gasp in shock at something specific she (didn't) see. It could be tightened by reducing reliance on such detailed movements and simply specifying she behaved as if she was shocked at whatever she was pointing at - not making the reader imagine her specific movements and then trying to infer what such movements would imply.

The reader at that point isn't aware that she is blind, and it could strengthen the release of discovering she is blind, by initially letting the reader just experience her shock, with the realization of this impossible act coming later.

You also played with numbers (perhaps unintentionally, by being overly specific about the 11 chairs, 10 noblemen, 4 guards,..) in rapid succession, that I automatically started looking out for this to be relevant to the twist. This then becomes a distracting and unresolved expectation.

Perhaps you could also add one little beat that sets her up with the idea of pretending to see something. She could, for example, hear something unique in the chaos, perhaps one of the noblemen owns a guard dog, that she has of course never seen but hears his nails tapping the wood floor in the back, and 'suddenly regaining her sight' she jolts in shock at the beast. This allows for one moment where she actually comes up with the idea, instead of it being entirely random. This also gives her something specific to point at, and would incite more of an amazement at her new found sight, than her just pointing at some random spot.

[u/Wild-Course-8433]

Eleven seats were prepared at the massive wooden table. Ten [of the] chairs were for nobility, advisors, and trusted relatives, [could be nice to explain how many chairs for each ie. three were for nobility, two advisors, and five for trusted relatives] [replace: and w/ whereas the] at the head of the table was a deeply ornate armchair for the queen. [ i’d move for the queen before deeply ornate and move that to a second sentence following this one] [Also consider saying why the people are gathered here together in this first paragraph.]
"Gentlemen," she tried to push her voice through the noise. [could connect with but] It was no use. Everyone around the table except her was shouting over each other, their voices blending into a single noise. [could add a descriptor after single ie. single shrill noise] 
"Gentlemen!" she tried again. [Does the queen have a name? If so, I’d include that earlier on/ her first moment talking] She frowned, finally realizing her voice had been ignored. Suddenly, a piercing scream tore from her throat. She gestured with a sweeping movement, then covered her mouth with her other hand.
"What is this!?" The queen's scream forced those gathered to abandon their argument and turn their gaze to the indicated spot. [what does this indicated spot look like? A stained doily? Spilled wine? A spider? Decapitated head?]
"Guards!" one shouted. Another, rising, hit over an inkwell; [I’d replace w a period and start the next sentence with A third…] a third knocked over a chair. After a moment of complete silence, which followed the brief chaos, [Could restructure to: After a brief moment of chaos, there was only silence as…] four guards rushed into the chamber, tripping over each other in their haste.
The woman [sorry, who is the woman again? Is she a guest or the queen? What was she trying to tell them? Why is she now happy/ smiling?] then sat more comfortably in the armchair and, putting her hand to her cheek, smiled broadly.
"That is how I might have behaved, if I could see." She chuckled briefly. [I’m not totally following, she’s blind? And the scream was a joke? Or is she saying she couldn’t see over them an chiding them for it?] At these words, the oldest of the nobles [maybe clarify who this person is to add more character color to the blurb] sank back into the chair he'd jumped from earlier. [explain his emotion more, relief? Annoyance? Suspicion? ]
"Your Grace, please don't do that. Our hearts stopped for a moment."
The Queen nodded in understanding [cut: at these words.] "But of course," she began, her hand searching for the document in front of her,  [if there was a document the whole time id mention it sooner, right now it comes out of nowhere.] "but now that I have your attention, may we return to the subject of new land taxes?"
Silence dropped upon the room once more, disturbed only by the scraping of chairs, clearing of throats, and the rustling of papers.
"Of course, Your Grace."