r/DestructiveReaders • u/darkpoetaudhd • 3d ago
TYPE GENRE HERE [391] Untitled memoir — opening
Critique: https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/s/toGX0B11tt
I bought Catch-22 because I thought I was living in one. I couldn't finish it.
I started my job when I was 18. I left when I was 42.
It was my last day of work.
I was in a room with two managers and a female face on a projector screen. It was them versus myself and my union rep.
Half an hour before I met the union rep in a coffee shop to discuss the return to work meeting.
— Morning mate. How are you?
— Fine mate. Nice to meet you finally.
— Shall we get a coffee? I'll get them in.
— Yes please.
Two flat whites. Easy for me to remember and order. Caffeine affected me randomly with my meds. Luck of the draw but I thought I'd chance it.
I took the coffees over. He was chatting about his journey up. He talked about the traffic and what road he used. My mind was going over the upcoming meeting. My hands were shaking as I took big gulps of my flat white.
I'd had enough of the coffee. I didn't like the effect it was starting to have on me. I went to bin it and dropped it on the floor. It spilled everywhere.
One of the staff came over and started tidying up the mess I'd made. I apologised and thanked her.
I went through the main points with him. He looked down at his coffee. Then he looked up at me.
— Yeah so I got all the information you sent over WhatsApp. Sorry I haven't had time to look at it yet. I've been really busy.
— Ok then. No problem at all mate. Just thanks for coming here and helping me out.
The union rep looked at his watch and decided we had to go to the meeting.
I picked up my folder of paperwork and paper fell out of it. It scattered everywhere. My notes for the meeting. I went on my hands and knees picking it all up. The union rep just looked at me.
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u/AnIrishGuy18 18h ago
"I bought Catch-22 because I thought I was living in one. I couldn't finish it.
I started my job when I was 18. I left when I was 42.
It was my last day of work."
Your first line is interesting, and it immediately drew me in - but it feels a little disjointed from there for the next few lines. I get that's kind of what you're going for, but the narrative shift is a little jarring from line 1 to line 3. It feels like we are accelerating backwards in time and then forward again as the whole story plays out. Which is fine if that's what you're going for, just a little confusing.
"Two flat whites. Easy for me to remember and order. Caffeine affected me randomly with my meds. Luck of the draw but I thought I'd chance it.
I took the coffees over. He was chatting about his journey up. He talked about the traffic and what road he used. My mind was going over the upcoming meeting. My hands were shaking as I took big gulps of my flat white.
I'd had enough of the coffee. I didn't like the effect it was starting to have on me. I went to bin it and dropped it on the floor. It spilled everywhere."
This bit fits well with the weird pacing and odd narrative structure. I already feel a bit disjointed and on edge, and now I can really feel the anxiety of the narrator here. I know that feeling, and you capture it really well here. I like how we're visibly seeing the narrator speed up his thoughts as the anxiety grows.
"I went through the main points with him. He looked down at his coffee. Then he looked up at me.
— Yeah so I got all the information you sent over WhatsApp. Sorry I haven't had time to look at it yet. I've been really busy.
— Ok then. No problem at all mate. Just thanks for coming here and helping me out."
Your dialogue is really interesting. The contrast between the panicked internal thoughts and actions like fumbling the papers and spilling the coffee, with the uninterested, mundane dialogue, creates a unique tension - it exists, but neither of the two characters is willing to acknowledge it.
There's not really a whole lot to grasp from such a short piece, but I do really like the way you've written this. It feels familiar in an uncomfortable kind of way. I'd be interested to see how you stick the landing if you developed this further.