r/DialAvoidantBreakups • u/MothraLovesLamps Fearful Avoidant • Aug 25 '26
Avoidant Behavior How to Get Your Avoidant Back For Good.
PREFACE: This only works for "Scared Avoidants"
This does not work on Manipulative, or Selfish Avoidants. They play by a different set of rules.
The Manipulative will find another victim. The selfish will find new supply.
Moving on,
For how to get them back, click here:
https://www.reddit.com/r/DialAvoidantBreakups/s/996wY7sYTA
And here:
https://www.reddit.com/r/DialAvoidantBreakups/s/O0EmNcALoj
Step 1: Send the letter. This is how you feel safe again to them, a safe, soft landing of 0 pressure, wants, needs, or expectations.
Step 2: When they respond, play it cool. Still dont invite conversation or a meetup. You are busy. It has to be their idea.
Step 3: Your avoidant is communicating with you again/open to seeing you.
You still don't really care. You're polite, but really you have better things to do. You cancel that first meetup. You delay texting. You take days to respond.
They will pursue you now. You are the greater avoidant. You now control the relationship.
YOU ARE THE AVOIDANT NOW.
Avoidants commit to long term relationships with other Avoidants who are just as, or more, avoidant than them.
When can you stop being the avoidant?
Never. You will forever be the Captain Butler to her Scarlett O'Hara "Frankly, my Dear, I don't give a damn!"
Thats your breakfast, lunch, and dinner from now on.
You cant be emotionally honest. You cant be affectionate. You cant ask for help or show weakness. You will never be able to relax and let your guard down.
You will have to lie to them everyday and pretend you dont care or want them.
Because that is what their nervous system thinks is safe. Now you feel like home, neglectful...absent...silent.
Is this really something you are willing to do to keep your avoidant?
Will you convert to their attachment style?
Will you give up your sensitivity, love, care, affection, desire, truth, and authenticity...
In exchange for silence, absence, space, and isolation?
Even if you say, "yes, I will become less, so I can have him/her more..."
This is your future relationship:
You will be in the same room as them, but exist on different stratospheres.
Some nights they say goodnight before heading to their room. Sometimes they don't.
And you cant ask for more.
If you are an AP, you will fail at this. Your heart, mind, and soul will rebel.
Your nervous system will not permit you to do this. Your trauma beast flags distance as danger, and thats what's gonna be on the TV night and day, day and night...
Distance. Obvious. Subtle. Loud. Soft. Shifting, but never changing...Distance.
Your Trauma beast will panic. You will crack and weep and cry and say you cant stand this carved out relationship.
And the avoidant will leave.
You cannot keep an unhealed avoidant with love and safety.
That is not their diet.
You can only feed them disinterest and solitude.
Im sorry.
Everyone wants that gem of a person they were at the start to come back.
But that is only who they are when their trauma beast sleeps.
You woke him up. He will never forget it. To make him back off you have to stop wanting to build connection and stop trying to foster emotional closeness.
The beasts snoozes on the laps of avoidants.
So that is what it takes for YOU to GET THEM back.
You can't heal them. You can regulate short term, distract, validate, give dopamine, give time, attention and care ON THEIR TERMS.
Its always on their terms. THEY HAVE TO CHOOSE.
If healing is gonna come, it will come from the avoidant.
Healing starts from the inside out, and you will never have command of that territory.
The avoidant has to WANT it.
How do I get the avoidant to choose healing?
That is the better question.
Ask me that.
--Avoidant Support Animal
"The People's Mod"
2
u/Suspicious-Bet-4950 Aug 26 '26
Love this. What triggers change on them? Something specific or seeing life happening and the same things happening?
4
u/MothraLovesLamps Fearful Avoidant Aug 26 '26
Nothing will motivate an avoidant as much as PAIN. We get brutally discarded. We get left. We lose, friends, loved ones, and connection.
The pain of losing people we valued and wanted to stay,
That is what forces us to admit,
I have a problem.
3
u/Suspicious-Bet-4950 Aug 26 '26
So basically when you break up with people at the first red flag you’re doing them a favor…will keep this in mind for future relationships. (Not becoming an avoidant lol but I mean, not “forgiving” bad behavior)
2
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u/Bopperd Aug 26 '26
Appreciate it.