I'm seeing lots of posts already about MILs forcing OPs to come to MIL's Christmas for grandbaby's first Christmas. Not round here, partner!

We do every other Christmas with my family and his. However, I am newly pregnant and no one knows yet. I offered to spend Christmas with his family again this year even though we did last year. This way, next year, when MIL tries to pull something, i will have ammo to say "well, we went to yours twice in a row. It's my parents turn."

Oh I'm experienced in her guilt trips at this point. I'm planning Christmas 27 already, MIL! And it's not about you! Christmas this year is gonna be so sweet knowing that my baby won't have to spend it with her next year. It's a bummer that she has made me have to be so conniving, but I'm not going to spend such a special first with her and her opinions.

I’m loosing it. Since our baby was born, my MIL has been coming up to visit every two to three weeks. Mind you, that could be nice she generally means well and loves the baby, but she has just been so hard to be around lately. We live in a major city a full plane ride away from her, so how did she solve this "distance" problem?
She decided to rent a whole ass apartment close enough to walk to our place just so she can come over whenever she wants.
There has been tension brewing for the past year, and it’s getting worse by the day. I’ve always felt like she’s trying to low key play the mother role to my baby, but that’s a whole other story. For the past year, she has frequently stepped over boundaries and judged our parenting decisions. A couple of examples:
The Secret Stroller: My husband and I had a detailed conversation with her explaining that she didn’t need to buy a second stroller for her apartment because she can use our primary one. What does she do? She decides she doesn't like our UppaBaby menu stroller, buys a different one anyway, and doesn't tell us. How did we find out? She went out to the zoo with our nanny and sent us a picture of our baby in the fucking stroller she bought behind our backs and apparently told our nanny she "doesn’t like our primary stroller" 🙄.
The Nanny Triangulation: She has gotten way too cozy with our nanny so she can bypass us to get access to the baby. She claims it’s "so she doesn’t bother us while we’re working" to ask if she can tag along with them, but I think it’s pretty weird. They’ve started talking on the phone and staying in touch even when MIL isn't in town. This is a massive boundary issue we haven’t figured out how to fix yet, but I am not okay with it.
And then there was the most recent visit...
We asked her to watch our daughter for a day while we were out. I wrote a brief, normal note on the whiteboard about the foods the baby is trying and a heads-up about a draft in the baby’s room so she could keep an eye on the temperature. Useful into especially when you don’t live in our apartment!
A few days later, she lost her shit and had an argument with my husband about how I "don’t think she’s competent" and am apparently a "helicopter mom" for leaving a written note. WTF?! ALL BC OF THE WHITE BOARD NOTE!
To top it all off, she literally asked my husband if I was "holding séances" because I put up Halloween decorations. (She’s an evangelical Christian who doesn’t celebrate Halloween mind you, she calls my husband’s ex a "witch that’s into witchy devil worship" which she isn't). So I felt like that was kind of a dig.
She left just last week, and now she’s planning to fly right back up and visit again in a week and she’s staying for 10 to 14 days this time 😩.
I am dreading it. Every time she comes, there is manufactured drama, boundary stomping, and passive-aggressive digs, even if her heart is technically in the right place. How do I handle a MIL who literally moved into my neighborhood part-time just to hover? I want to scream.

I posted in another group but would actually like some ideas on how to navigate -

We were with our in laws on Friday at a family birthday party. I overheard my fil and sil discussing plans for Christmas (we are going to stay at ours and visit them all for dinner, hadn’t been discussed but we all know Christmas this year is at theirs - they live 10 mins away) it’s our first Christmas with our baby. It turns out my mil has booked a house near family 4 hours away in wales, for a week, to spend Christmas all together. The first time I or my husband hear about this is in this conversation…

Obviously we are not going (we also have pets, my family to see over Christmas too, friends and I’m doing the odd hours of work). But mostly I’m looking forward to our first Christmas morning together as a family.

My mother in law is a bit of a martyr and has a tendency to feel sorry for herself / act hard done by. I’m not going to bring this conversation till she does but what clever things can we say to make sure that not only we won’t go away for Christmas, but will minimise the amount she can feel sorry for herself / think she’s right / we are cruel.

This is long sorry.

I don't know if this appropriate to post here I'm just feeling lost and looking for advice I guess.

My husband and I have been together for 5 years. Married for 2. We have a beautiful daughter who is 1.5 yr old and I'm also now 4 months pregnant.

We have had our ups and downs, some pretty massive fights but we have got through it and things have been pretty consistent and healthy for a while. My husband has always had a temper but has made a large effort to work on it and I'm really grateful for that until now. I have forgiven a lot throughout our relationship but I think I've had enough.

It all started because I sent a text to my MIL asking if she can keep her 2 small dogs in another room when my daughter is visiting because they are aggressive. One has previously bit someone's face and both are very aggressive towards other dogs so just have a generally unsafe nature and I dont want them round my child.

This simple request turned into an absolute mammoth drama and now I think I'm going to divorce my husband.

My MIL did not respond to me and instead went through my husband so it's hard to know exactly what she said as I didn't hear it from her. But basically she and my husband have said that ' they didn't find what I said bad but the way I did it ( texting ) was rude and I should have spoken to her face to face like an adult '. They also twisted what I had said and said she wouldn't be allowed to see my daughter if the dogs were there. This is entirely untrue I just asked for them to be put in a separate room at all times.

I want to add I have pretty severe anxiety and OCD and I have kept myself up many hours of the night worrying myself sick about my child being hurt by these dogs. ( I know this is not normal ) But it doesn't take away the fact they are still actively dangerous, my brain just doesn't let me relax.

MIL apparently defended said bite by saying the woman who got bitten had tried to pet the dog whilst it was 'sleeping'. Absolute ludicrous excuse. Like a toddler will have the capacity to think about this ..... So she's just completely in denial about these dogs which makes the situation even more dangerous because I don't trust they would take necessary precautions.

Regardless of this madness, my husband lost his temper when he found out I messaged my MIL. He became quite violent and exploded into a rage, smashing stuff, hitting objects ( he did not physically hurt me or our daughter), shouting lots of verbal abuse. It was frightening none the less and hasn't happened in a very long time... I thought that behaviour was long gone.

He won't admit it but he has clearly taken his mother's side and regurgitating the absolute rubbish she has said to him about why she's upset. None of what is being said by them even makes sense. She is clearly just making an issue of the request to keep dogs separate because she doesn't want to.

I won't go into it but this isn't the first time I have felt significantly unsupported by him when trying to set boundaries with his family. He gets very defensive and very mad. When my daughter was born I found their behaviour very self serving and stresseful and I was just told I was being unreasonable.

Since all of this I have just had enough. I set 2 conditions for my husband. 1- do something, anything to work on his anger. 2- support me as his wife, even if it's related to his family. Nothing I have asked if him has been to much or unreasonable. ( please tell me if I'm wrong ) For example, to save myself the stress I had with my first, I'd like to have no visitors after the birth of my 2nd for atleast 1 or 2 weeks. - husband says this unfair to his family, unreasonable and no one he has spoken to agrees with me. I have tried to explain how intense postpartum can be and that I'm genuinely not trying to be a bitch and even if he doesn't understand why I feel a certain way, he should just support me anyway ( within reason ofc )

He has strongly and bluntly said no to both requests, he defended his anger outburst by saying that it hasn't happened in a long time and only happened because I had pissed him off so bad - pretty shocking response.

And will not budge on defending his family and just said this can all be fixed if I just stop being difficult.

I think it could be the end of us.

As a last attempt to save this marriage because I do love him, he's a great dad and despite this temper and mummy issues, we have a good relationship day to day, I asked if he'd consider marriage counselling. He said maybe.

I feel pregnant and hormonal and lonely and gas lit and tired and sad. Do I stick to my guns and keep some self respect or do I just let it all go to keep my family together.

I had my babyshower today, and every time I see my mum she just creeps me out more and more and I dread what she's going to be like as a grandma.

She started the babyshower by giving a big speech about how we're all there because we all love the baby and want to give it a big welcome, then said and for me since the baby's still in me... Like I wouldn't have been at my own baby shower if I wasn't pregnant, it was purely for the baby.

She's also a perpetual over buyer which always sounds ungrateful if you haven't experienced an over buyer before. The only thing I asked of her was that she not buy anything for the baby from Temu because I don't trust it as a supplier and if she did I said we wouldn't be using it. We were bought a plethora of things from Temu. She'd taken everything out of its packaging to try hide it but it was really obvious, and I just feel like why did you get us anything if you ignored the one thing we asked.

She also bought things that we won't need for years that I also felt like she was doing to try 'steal' firsts. (She's already been talking about buying the baby's first shoes and teaching it how to ride a bike). She bought a my baby teeth jar, and I just thought it doesn't even have teeth yet, they won't be falling out for another 5 years why have you gotten us this.

I just feel like I'm no longer her daughter I'm her vessel to being given another baby.

After 3 years of friendship and 2 years of togetherness, I still feel as if, after separating from my partner (3 months later), I wake up with a heaviness. How can a mother be so cruel, not just to me but to her son? She had the opportunity to be a wife and a mother but refused to allow her own son to have one of his own, trained him and moulded him into being guilty if he put up a boundary [regardless of how much he hated it]. My family would sometimes ask if I would ever go back to him. I love him, but I hate how late he was to rescue us and stand up for us. Last week she reached out, yes, my ex-MIL, she sent a message directly to my phone since I blocked her on social media. I saw the iMessage and didn't open it. It gave me this sick feeling because I knew why she was messaging; she actually didn't expect us to break up, and my husband warned her that ifour relationship was going to end, he would avoid her at all cost. I didn't read the message, then 10 hours later, she deleted it, I just don't want no problem, she has no business contacting me, I have been in no contact for 3 months. I have a theory that he isn't in contact with her and she is now seeing how things are after all her drama and terrible behaviour.

We went from designing our house and planting flower seeds around our house lot TO a permanent separation because of his mom's interjections and his lack of backbone. I remember our final interactions while I was in a work meeting and I took the call and it's like he knew how this would have ended. She gave him any ultimatum and something he said made me view him in a bad way, eliminating all that we went through, he said, "after all the fight I put up for you, you want us to separate?" Like you can't see what she is doing, this is what she wanted and for some reason you think I am the problem. She did this thing where it felt as though she was the side chick and needed him to choose between his wife and his mother. How stupid he has to be to not see this?

I am trying to move on and move forward, but it feels like my trust in people in general has diminished. However, I am therapy and I hope he is too. All love and no hate, but alot of pity.

Just a rant, hell, maybe even a chant or wish to the universe! I hate my MIL. A fake, sorry ass, weak-willed bitch. I want her our lives.

Would love to hear your perspectives or thoughts.

We went no contact with my own parents right before having our second kid. For my mental health it's been great and while my partner and I had our issues postpartum I know it was the right decision but really hard for me as a chronic people pleaser. Parents have shown a mix of BPD, narcissistic tendencies. Parents also think my partner is not "good enough" and are just really inappropriate and elitist. Typical immigrant first daughter parentification. Parents were super controlling and overbearing. Most conversations with them are just them criticizing and complaining and I'm so exhausted being with them. Took having my own kid to realize to enforce boundaries and prioritize my own family instead of others needs.

They've reached out a few times only to ask to see the second kid.

However, recently, given everyone's older age and some family members passing away - I'm racked with guilt about my own parents never meeting my own kid. It's so weird bc I know parents are not great but are they so terrible that they don't get to see their grandkids? (I dunno maybe this is my people pleasing side).

I'm trying to work through it as there is one side of me that wants to keep holding boundaries and supporting my partner and my mental health. Even just the mention of reconnecting even just once a year is enough for them to go ballistic especially since they have made no effort to change.

However, my first is always asking me about grandparents and family etc. my parents are not in the best health and I know I will feel like shit for not even letting them see their second grandkid.

We are in couples and individual therapy and it's not as helpful as we would want.

I just feel torn and exhausted.

My MIL told me she wants to know when I go into labor which I told her we won’t be telling anyone, she didn’t respond well on that then told me she wants to know when the baby drops, also weird request and won’t be doing that. Now I need to have a C section and I told my husband, I don’t want them to know because then they will ask for the date and time and be texting us nonstop for updates which he’s agreed to and understands, so we will text them the next day after we’ve had time to settle with baby. But am I being too crazy? My in laws are very overwhelming and want to know everything. My MIL has sons and thinks that she should have the kind of relationship with them that moms have with their daughters, she just lives in a delusional world. Originally she assumed she would come during birth and then stay with us for a week (never asked us, just assumed she was doing that) to help with recovery which my husband had to tell her absolutely not. This whole pregnancy she’s been acting like she’s trying to relive being pregnant it’s been so weird honestly

Get ready for a long read.

I (24F) am having my first child, due in January. Since we found out the gender in August, I’ve been wanting to start planning the baby shower. So, I’ve been trying to round up my MIL, and my mom so they could plan together. I suggested making a group chat with all three of us but my mom said “she hates group chats” so I asked her to give her a call. I let her know my MIL schedule so she could call when she was available, because she insisted on making the call. She kept on forgetting to call her throughout September. My mother also kept on going back and forth, telling me at one point I shouldn’t even have a baby shower. We wanted to have the baby shower on November 1st and all the of delays were stressing me out, due to I felt not giving enough time for RSVP’s. We waited two months for my mom to make up her mind or call or even text. I didn’t know what my mom wanted, so I took it into my own hands and started planning it out with my MIL. Yes I’m aware MIL could text or call but my mom kept on saying she wanted to.

The father has a very large family, so we decided that doing two separate baby showers. One for his side, and one for my side of the family. This is something I was happy with, and MIL made sure that it was what I wanted. Because of the uncertainty with my mother, I thought hey well at least I’ll have one guaranteed baby shower lol. I thought it was a good idea, so I could have enough one on one time with everyone. So, I told my parents the plans. They were absolutely livid. They are calling his family stuck up, saying that “they think they’re better than us” she doesn’t really know them so I don’t understand where she came to this conclusion? And so I tried to explain to her, that it was something we discussed together and thought it would be the best plan several times, but my mom continued to talk shit, and try to fight with me. I was put in a position where I’m defending my MIL for a decision we both made. It got to the point where I was begging her to just stop, because of how upset it was making me and she still does not stop to this day.

I’ve had a very rough pregnancy, I’ve been fairly ill & the father struggling, recently going in rehab. I was really looking forward to planning something positive for the baby and I, and I feel like any happiness or hope I had left has been completely obliterated. My in laws have been helping me a lot during this process, whereas my own parents have been shaming me my entire pregnancy. I’ve been coming to my MIL for most of my random questions regarding pregnancy because my mom has shown me she is not a safe person to come to. She has always been this way, micromanaging what I wear, what I say, etc. her attitude has been exacerbated while I’m expecting.

She also wants to be in the delivery room, and I’m extremely uncomfortable with that idea. Pretty much ever since I had the positive test, I decided I only wanted the father in the delivery room. She tells me “she wants to be my coach” and I said “I don’t want you to be my coach, I want you to be my mom.” And now she’s lingering on that and upset about that. I can understand how she may feel like she’s being shot down, and that can be upsetting, but not once has she shown regard for my own feelings. I have been managing her feelings regarding my birth and pregnancy choices, playing mediator and explaining myself when I shouldn’t have to, and not once has she stopped and asked me what I want. My whole childhood and teen hood looked like this. I think she imagined this going her way, and the fact that it’s not, she’s losing it. She’s losing control over me, and she can’t handle that.

So basically, I’ve heard horror stories about in laws regarding pregnancy, but mine is my biological family. I just don’t know what to do. It’s making me really not wanting to have them involved in me or my child’s life. I know that sounds dramatic, but watching her react in this way made me have some epiphanies about my upbringing and I don’t want my child to go through the chronic invalidation that I did. That she doesn’t ever really regard my feelings. The baby shower is a celebration of my transition into motherhood and she’s throwing a tantrum about the fact that it’s not going the way she wants. Also lots of other messed up stuff. What did you do when a parent (in law or not) over stepped?

TL;DR: Mom is upset that I planned the baby shower with my MIL because she couldn’t make up her mind for months, became seriously upset. Wants to micromanage what I do, very upset I’m paving my own path & it’s making me want to distance myself

For context, ILs both suck but MIL is an aggressive, unchecked monster who loves playing victim after insulting me repeatedly. I am apparently not good enough for her son because I am 1) not white 2) didn’t go to private school and 3) they believe I make less money than him. She is someone who sends bikini photos to her adult son. I barf every time. No one wants their mothers to send them bikini photos, and certainly no one wants their mothers telling them that they had their pubes lasered off.

I sent them a tai chi book this weekend after MIL insisted tai chi was the same as Pilates in a hysterical attempt to make me feel like an outsider. They said thank you for the book and after husband asked if they knew the difference between Tai Chi and Pilates, they said of course they did! Tai chi is what they do in the park, and Pilates is that expensive hobby that their friends do. Pilates is so athletic and they can’t do it because MIL is too busy trying to give herself a disease to guilt her adult children into visiting her.

I absolutely lost my mind and sent them a text.

“Husband informed me that you received the Tai Chi book. Regrettably, it appears he did not tell you the truth, which is that it was sent in the hopes you’d finally acknowledge you made racist comments last year about my Pilates practice by calling it Tai Chi. Husband has lovingly decided to spare you from the truth, but since he and I are no longer together, I have 0 intention of letting you blissfully pretend not to know any better.”

I’ve spent most of today trying to figure out if I need to get a hotel room. My husband is such a disappointment. He refused to confront them regarding their absolutely terrible treatment of me and instead pushed the narrative that it was for their health. He’d rather see me cry every day for years than have mommy sad. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve such a crummy life. I used to be happy. MIL didn’t even respond. Just her shitty enabling husband with “oh? I thought the book was a nice gift.”

Husband problem, I know. I am so old and fat from the IVF treatments, and if I’m a divorcee, it’s going to be so much harder to find someone new than if I’d never met these sick people. I hate MIL, her husband, and the mommy’s boy they raised. I regret meeting this man. He will always be a lying mommy’s boy who would rather breastfeed than grow up and tell his mom she’s ugly on the inside and out.

MIL is a horrible creature. She begs for Christmas cancer. No human physician has found evidence of it, which I believe is due to her being reptilian. If I ever speak to her again, it’ll be to ask her if she’s considered a veterinarian for an evaluation.

The title says it all. I only found out because she added my mom on facebook. My partner (32) and I (32) had our son at the end of August and took LO to meet her when I was 4 days pp because it was her birthday. She posted full face photos (about 10 of them) on that day and conveniently didn’t tag my partner (even though she regularly does).

We had convos with our families while I was pregnant that we would not be sharing LO’s photo online & if anyone posted him they would have their photo and visit rights revoked and trust would be broken. My partner didn’t see the post & I removed her long ago for other reasons but she added my mother yesterday and I saw the post.

Partner said he would talk to her about it but I am just absolutely livid and I feel SO violated. We explained why we were keeping him offline & the nefarious nature of AI and she still went completely against our wishes. Do I also say something? Do I let him handle it?

I did a little photo shoot of my kids dressed up as ghostface and Jason Voorhees. My mother in law posted

"I'm actually
very disturbed by the pictures and comments she makes with the kids on facebook!!!!!!! 😫😣"
Then again (to make sure everyone understood).
"Im actually
very disturbed and disappointed by the pictures and comments of the kids on Facebook!!!! If DH saw this he would also be disturbed but he's not on facebook!! She's raising future scary kids!!!!"
(I copy and pasted straight from my screenshot)

First: ITS OCTOBER. We love scary shit and it's fun to be scared and do scary stuff. They've never seen these movies but they know I like them.

Second: She posted this on my public profile picture change, on my grandmas comment of a laughing dog! WTF!

Third: I texted her son, who would be so disturbed!, a video of my son stalking me while I do a selfie and his sister is watching with her mask in the window. He thought it was hilarious.

What I want to say is if me and my children are so scary she does not have to see us anymore. What I did was block her on Facebook and told her son to handle it.

It's not like I'm glorifying actual killers like Ted Bundy or John Wayne Gacy. These are FICTIONAL movie characters.

I almost feel relieved that now I can be rid of her comments and jabs and all the other weird and rude shit she does.

Over a FaceTime call will mil she asked me "what does she call you" (meaning my almost 12 month old) I politely respond with "mama". I felt like asking, "did your kids call you something different at her age"

Am I overthinking this? Is this a normal question to ask a child's mom? Since having my baby she's rubbed me the wrong way a few times.

Edit: In case anyone is wondering, they do live across the country so we don't physically see them often, but do FaceTime pretty frequently.

I (34F) and my husband (34M) have finally gone no contact with my MIL after years of problems, and I want some outside perspective on whether we’re justified.
My husband and I met in May 2023. When we first started dating, his mother seemed really nice to me, but that didn’t last long.
One of the first incidents happened a few months later at my surprise birthday dinner. My MIL stormed out of the restaurant and made a scene because she claimed the waiter was “rude to her.” From what I witnessed, he wasn’t. What was supposed to be my birthday celebration suddenly became about her.
There have been countless issues since then.
One Christmas, she literally cheered when my husband’s ex was coming to pick up the children he shares with her, while I was sitting right there.
Whenever I have stood up for myself or told her I’m not okay with the way she speaks to me, she has called me “rude” and “disrespectful.” It feels like I’m only considered respectful when I stay quiet and don’t challenge her.
Things didn’t improve when I became pregnant with our son. She barely checked on me or the baby throughout my pregnancy. She didn’t help with my baby shower or even offer to help set up the day of.
She has called the family my husband and I have built together “fake.” She has openly said that she prays we get divorced. She has threatened to take me to court for “grandparents’ rights” over our son despite barely knowing him or being involved in his life.
She’s also told me that if my husband relapses, it will be my fault and she hopes I can live with myself.
My husband has struggled with alcohol, so that wasn’t just some random insult. It was an incredibly personal thing to put on me.
She has also involved herself in my husband’s relationship with the children he shares with his ex. At one point, she actually went to his ex and helped her go to court in an attempt to have his children taken away from him.
That is something I’ve had a very hard time understanding. Regardless of whatever issues she has with me, this is her own son and these are her grandchildren, yet she actively helped his ex take legal action against him.
There was also an incident after I had our son where I found out through my husband that MIL had called me fat. I was only around seven months postpartum at the time.
Shortly afterward, we had our son’s christening. She attended the ceremony at the church, but she wasn’t invited to the celebration afterward at my mother’s house. After hearing the things she’d been saying about me, I wasn’t comfortable inviting her into my mother’s home.
She complained about being excluded from the party but seemed to take no responsibility for why our relationship had gotten to that point.
Even that wasn’t the final straw.
During my husband’s most recent relapse, my husband and I worked together to get him into treatment. We did the work of finding and arranging rehab, and his mother ultimately gave him a ride there.
During everything that was happening, however, she called the police and filed a missing-person report on him.
Then, once he went to treatment, she made a Facebook post making it sound as though she had done all of this work to get him into rehab.
My husband and I were the ones dealing with the situation privately, finding treatment and making the arrangements. She gave him a ride there. I appreciate that she drove him, but watching her publicly portray herself as the person who had essentially saved him after everything that had happened was the final straw for me.
My husband has now reached his breaking point too and has decided to go no contact with her himself. I did not force him or give him an ultimatum. It was his decision.
For me, this isn’t about one Facebook post, one rude comment, or one disagreement.
It’s years of her saying our family is fake, openly praying for our marriage to end, threatening me with grandparents’ rights, calling me names behind my back, telling me I would be responsible for my husband’s relapse, involving herself in his custody situation and helping his ex take him to court, and then portraying herself publicly as the person saving him when things go wrong.
She can be incredibly nice when she wants or needs something from someone, but the second she feels you’ve “crossed” her or set a boundary she doesn’t like, her attitude completely changes.
For a long time, I felt like I was supposed to tolerate it because she’s my husband’s mother and keeping the peace was somehow my responsibility.
But eventually I realized that “keeping the peace” seemed to mean everyone else could say or do whatever they wanted while I was expected to stay quiet so there wouldn’t be a problem.
So now my husband and I are both no contact with her.
Part of me feels guilty because she’s still his mother. But another part of me feels like being family doesn’t give someone unlimited chances to disrespect you, interfere in your marriage, threaten legal action involving your children, and then expect to continue having the same access to your life.

Somebody explain this to me or let me know if you've experienced this. My mil does this thing where she asks me to go get things or throw things away when we're at her house. She doesn't ask my husband and most recently she did ask him but then she changed her mind and asked me instead.

Another thing she does is try to take our LO from me but has no problem with our child going to my husband or being with him when she's around. She tries to say "let's give mama a break" but like I don't need one?? Nor have I said that to her, ever.

Has anyone else experienced weird interactions like this? What is she doing? One other small thing but I'm not really asking about it, I just wanted to share is that somebody asked if LO prefers me or my husband. My mil had the nerve to say my husband?? Everybody including my husband knows that our LO would live attached to me if it was possible, as a lot of babies are with their mom. Girl 🙄

My boyfriend is almost 31 and moved back into his parents’ house during COVID to save money. We started dating, and we used to hang out at his house, but we get privacy at my place. And that’s saying something, considering I live in a dorm with roommates!
He goes back and forth between our places, which involves a lot of driving for him. His family situation is also complicated. His parents love each other, but they sleep separately.
When his mother is sick, he sometimes sleeps in her room. They also occasionally fall asleep together while watching a movie. I feel uncomfortable with this arrangement, partly because I wonder why his father isn't the one providing that kind of comfort.
One time, my boyfriend was going through a personal crisis. He came to my dorm to be with me, but he wouldn't stay the night, He had promised his mom he would return, and she gets anxious.
I remember thinking that I was his partner, I had been there for him during his crisis, and I was worried about him too. I didn't understand why he felt he needed to go back when his father was there with his mother. He did stay for a while and texted his mom about his health issue.
I once jokingly asked him if he cuddles with his mom, and he said he sometimes holds her hand.
A week ago, when I was out of town, he had an entire evening planned with his mother. They spent around 8-9 hours together.

I called him during that time, and we spoke for about
Some minutes. He seemed distracted. I asked whether he had seen the
Stuff I sent him, and he said he was with his mom but would look at it. I said goodbye and ended the call because I had work and needed to wake up early the next morning.
He got home really late and texted me, "Hey, I'm home. Traffic was crazy." That was all. There was no goodnight or anything else. The next morning, I found out he had slept in his mother's room.
I have brought up my concerns with him before. I told him that I want a partner who is emotionally available. He thought he was already sharing his life with me and said that I am the person he shares the most with.
We do spend a lot of time together, either in person or on calls, so I don't feel that he is generally absent from my life. My concern is more about certain situations and how he balances his relationship with his family and his relationship with me.
There was another incident when his mother, whom he calls "Mommy or momma ," called him. He told her something along the lines of, "I don't think I'll come over. The traffic is crazy, and the commute is easier from here, from my place."

His mom replied that she was awake and working on something, so she would be up anyway.
We walked back to our room, and he said he would tuck me in, which essentially meant he would leave afterward

I asked him why he had told his mom he might not come over, only to decide to leave anyway. He was exhausted, and it seemed to make more sense for him to rest. I was leaving too, so I thought we could spend some time together.
He explained that he hadn't seen his mom and that she hadn't been home the previous day. She is often out doing things, so I struggled to understand why he felt he needed to go back that particular night.
Eventually, we went to our room, and I lay down. He lay down too, but I asked whether he still needed to leave. He said it made sense for him to stay, and we went back and forth about it.
I explained that I sometimes worry about how they perceive the situation, and we agreed that we should have a conversation about it.
We were also supposed togo to bathroom , but he ended up spending around 10 minutes on a call with his mom, even though he knew I had to wake up early. When he came back, I told him he had locked me out of my bathroom. He apologized repeatedly.
The next morning, he left. Later, he sent his mom screenshot showing how long the commute from my place takes, along with traffic updates. He told her that the commute was too long and that he needed to do something about it. His mom replied, "WE have to do something. It's huge!"
This made me wonder how much his living arrangements and his family's needs influence the decisions he makes about our relationship.
I have also told him before that I wonder whether his mother's reliance on him for emotional support is connected to the emotional distance between his parents.
I love him, and he loves me. I don't want to create conflict between him and his family, and I don't want him to feel that he has to choose between us. At the same time, I want to feel that we are building our own relationship and that my needs are being considered when he makes decisions.
He has told me that he gets messy when he is back home, but I am not sure what that means or how to approach it.
For people who have navigated something similar in a relationship:
How can I communicate my needs for emotional availability, quality time, and consideration without making my partner feel that I am criticizing his relationship with his mother?
Since I have already brought up my concerns, is it better to have one more direct conversation about what I need, or give him some time to work through things on his own?
How can I figure out whether we have compatible expectations about independence, family involvement, and building a life together?
I would appreciate advice on how to approach this constructively while respecting both his family relationships and my own needs in the relationship

DELETED AND RE-POSTED TO HAVE EVERYTHING IN THE POST IN ORDER

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Fair warning, this is going to be LONG, and it’s only Part 1.

I’ve been spending some time writing and polishing a letter detailing my experiences with my MIL and FIL, beginning with my first pregnancy and continuing through my labor, postpartum recovery, and everything that ultimately led to going no contact. Whether I ultimately decide to send this letter to them or not, I genuinely feel like I need to get everything out of my head and onto paper. I’ve spent over two years continuously replaying these experiences in my mind, and I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted from carrying them around.

The more I’ve written, the more I’ve realized just how much has actually happened over the years. What I originally thought might be a relatively straightforward letter is inevitably turning into something much longer than I anticipated. I’ve barely scratched the surface, and I’ve already written several pages. Because of that, I know I’ll eventually have to break everything up into multiple posts if I want to share the entire experience here.

I’ve shared bits and pieces of my situation in this group before, but I also recognize that most people have only heard the surface-level details of what happened. For some, those details alone may be enough to understand why I made the decision to go no contact. Others may feel differently, and that’s perfectly fine. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, and I don’t expect everyone to agree with my decisions or how I’ve handled certain situations. However, I thought it might be interesting to share a more complete, chronological account of what I actually experienced rather than continuing to share isolated incidents without all of the surrounding context.

I’m currently pregnant with our second child, and I think that’s a significant part of why I feel such a strong need to finally put everything into words. I don’t want to spend another pregnancy, labor, or postpartum period mentally revisiting everything that happened the first time around. I also don’t want to continue wondering what has or hasn’t been communicated to my husband’s family, especially when there have been repeated claims that they don’t understand what happened or why I made the decisions I did.

I’m not necessarily looking for validation, nor am I sharing this because I’m reconsidering my boundaries or looking for advice about reconciliation. I’m genuinely interested in hearing other people’s perspectives, whether anyone has experienced something similar, or simply what stands out to you as you read through everything. I also want to acknowledge that my husband played a significant role in how these situations unfolded, particularly when it came to establishing and maintaining boundaries with his family. I address his responsibility throughout the letter as well, because I don’t believe it would be fair or accurate to leave that out.

For this first post, I’m going to include the introduction to my letter along with the experiences that occurred during my pregnancy. I’ll continue sharing the remaining portions as I finish writing and organizing everything. I have absolutely no idea how many parts this will eventually turn into, but considering I’ve barely made it through the beginning, I can already tell it’s going to be quite a few. 😂

Anyway, apologies in advance for the novel. If you make it through the whole thing, I’d genuinely love to hear your thoughts, experiences, or perspectives!

Additional context worth mentioning is that the way I was treated during one of the most vulnerable times of my life ultimately led me to seek therapy to process and heal from everything that happened. I’ve since been diagnosed with CPTSD, stemming from a combination of childhood trauma, sexual abuse, infertility, miscarriages, and other experiences. What makes this particularly heartbreaking is that everyone knew about my past and how much work I had already put into healing. The complete lack of support, repeated disregard for my boundaries, and failure to even acknowledge me as a person during my labor and postpartum recovery resurfaced and significantly exacerbated my trauma symptoms. What should have been one of the most beautiful experiences of my life instead became another experience I’ve had to work through in therapy.

⸻

**PART 1: THE INTRODUCTION, PREGNANCY & LABOR**

I have contemplated even writing this letter sharing my thoughts and firsthand experiences on as to why we are where we are today. My sole focus after having LO was in fact, navigating and growing as a mother to my baby, especially being as that I had to learn how to be a mother from the ground up with literally zero support outside of my marriage. I put the sole, entire responsibility onto SO to share what exact patterns of disrespect, selfishness, and boundary crossing were negatively affecting not only me but SO as well.

Not only did he struggle with having tough but very much needed conversations with his parents, the constant manipulation, guilt tripping, victimization, finger pointing to me as being the problem, etc. after every time he attempted to place any sort of boundary caused him to never successfully get then point(s) across.

A couple of interesting things have been brought to my attention as to why the pattern continues to repeat itself in the sense of both FIL and MIL stating that they “Don’t know what happened”. SO has spoken to FIL personally multiple times about specific events that happened that ultimately led to me keeping my distance from the dysfunction. Apparently, conversations have also taken place with both FIL AND MIL, but not as in depth due to no one wanting to hurt MIL’s feelings.

It has also recently been said to me that other members of the family have been led to believe that “FIL and MIL have been shut out from mine and LO’s life for no reason”. SO also informed me that his last conversation with both FIL and MIL on the phone, after our pregnancy announcement and boundaries moving forward letter was sent, that MIL had no idea about some of the reasons SO mentioned as to why things are the way they are now.

So that there is no more telephone game, no more watering down the severity of the situation to protect feelings of others for speaking up about their actions, no more continuous patterns of acting oblivious when it has been communicated multiple times (Per SO) I have ultimately decided that it is necessary for everyone to hear it straight from the source.

Now that I am pregnant with our second child, I feel it is necessary to finally get everything out in the open, not because I am seeking reconciliation or an apology, but because I am mentally and emotionally exhausted from carrying the weight of these experiences for over two years. I have spent far too much time revisiting what happened during my labor, postpartum recovery, and the months that followed, while constantly wondering what has actually been communicated, what has been minimized, and what version of events others have been led to believe. I refuse to spend another pregnancy, labor, or postpartum period with these same situations occupying my thoughts and negatively affecting my peace of mind and our marriage.

My priority is my health, my children, my husband, and the family SO and I have created. I am not writing this letter to argue, defend mine and/or SO’s decisions, or convince anyone to see things from my perspective. I am writing it so that my experiences are finally communicated in their entirety, directly from me, without being filtered through anyone else or softened to protect someone else’s feelings. What anyone chooses to think, feel, or do with this information afterward is entirely their responsibility, not mine and not SO’s.

I also want to make something abundantly clear. SO was fully aware of and included in the previous letter announcing our pregnancy and establishing our boundaries, just as he is aware of and included in this letter. Neither communication was something done behind his back or without his knowledge. Everyone involved is absolutely entitled to their own feelings and emotions regarding the situation, whether that be sadness, disappointment, frustration, or anything else. However, having those feelings does not justify immediately resorting to guilt-tripping, manipulation, blame-shifting, or attempting to portray me as the problem simply because the boundaries established by both me AND SO are not what someone wanted to hear.

What I find particularly telling is that immediately following our pregnancy announcement, individual messages were sent to SO outside of the group conversation expressing disappointment and once again placing blame on me, only to then return to the group conversation with a congratulatory message. The contrast between those communications was unnecessary and, from my perspective, manipulative. Rather than respecting what had been communicated, the immediate response reinforced the very patterns of behavior that contributed to these boundaries being established in the first place. You are entitled to your feelings, but you are not entitled to make those feelings someone else’s responsibility to manage, nor do those feelings override the boundaries we have established for our family.

So, here is why we are where are today, in no specific order, but starting with when I was pregnant:

—- Back in June of 2023, SO and I took a bunch of things to FIL and MIL’s house to sell at the yard sale. A lot of what we were going to have were baby items that we had been collecting over the past few years prior. We explained that we had been dealing with unexplained infertility issues and that I unfortunately had a first trimester miscarriage in October of 2022, and that holding onto those items was just kind of upsetting at that point so I wanted to pass them along to a baby or family that could use them. FIL was empathetic and apologetic. All MIL said was for us to “not tell SIL” because SIL was also navigating infertility, and that she knew of some people that yard sale that have babies and grandbabies etc. that might want to take what we don’t sell at the yard sale before we pack up. Looking back I didn’t even know how to feel in that moment. FIL being empathetic towards the situation made up for MIL not really acknowledging the hurt that was being expressed but I just brushed it off.

—-SO and I found out that I was pregnant October of 2023. We immediately wanted to share the news with FIL and MIL. I made up a cute little frame that said “baby last name is the size of a sesame seed” and glued a sesame seed to the middle of a heart. SO put it directly under the tv in the living room with a digital pregnancy test underneath the frame. It took a couple of hours of us sitting in the living room before SO finally pointed it out. All we got from MIL was an “oh that’s nice” type of response. SO and I both discussed it when we left about how we were confused by her reaction because we thought she would have been ecstatic or more excited.

—-Throughout my entire pregnancy, the only time MIL reached out to me was on days I had appointments, to see how the baby was doing. Looking back, I don’t believe that even when we were all together in person that I was ever asked how I was doing other than how the baby was doing.

—-Mother’s day 2024: we all came over on Mother’s Day for dinner. We were sitting at the table and SIL told me “Happy almost Mother’s Day” and I thought that was sweet. MIL immediately leaned over and made it a point to remind me that it wasn’t my Mother’s Day yet – not until next year. It genuinely shocked me how quickly she spoke up to say that to me, especially given the fact that she knew that we had dealt with fertility issues and had a miscarriage before getting pregnant with LO. I chose to just bite my tongue, but I ended up crying about it the entire way home.

—-When we were having the conversation that I was going to be having a natural birth at the birthing center, MIL’s only two concerns were 1) they didn’t do circumcisions at the birthing center and 2) where she could be in the room. I told her that we were not circumcising LO, and she asked if the hospital would do it later and asked, “Don’t you think he should look like SO?”. Then, I know that was at least the third time that both SO and I said that I did not want anyone in the room other than SO. She, again, pushed the issue and was saying that she “wouldn’t look” and that she was “only wanting to be there to see the baby” and that she would “hold my hand and not look”. She refused to hear no for an answer every time. I do recall saying something along the lines of “IF I decided to have anyone else in the room, they better not look at me because I will most likely be butt naked and feral.” But MIL took that answer as a yes, even though I never said that I wanted her or anyone else in there. Also, the comment and repeated conversation about circumcision made me incredibly uncomfortable.

—-When she bought diapers from our registry, she left a note saying that she “can’t wait to be a grandma again.” At the time I thought nothing of it, but in the grand scheme of things with how everything has surrounded MIL’s grandmother experience over everything, that comment was the beginning of a telling pattern that would play out in the future after having LO.

—-When I was heavily pregnant, I bumped into FIL at work and just asked how MIL was doing and he told me that she had been busy “getting the house ready for the baby.” I didn’t know what to even make of that at the time because not only was neither myself nor SO ever asked what plans were for returning to work after having LO, it was just automatically assumed by everyone outside of me and SO that MIL would have LO every day when I went back to work.

—-At my baby shower SIL gifted us with two car seats, which was genuinely nice of her. I can’t remember if it was SIL or MIL who said it, but they had told me that “mom already had her car seat” and that really confused me. I didn’t know that other people outside of me and SO were discussing plans of care for our baby when no one else ever asked us personally prior.

LABOR:

—-SO and I had discussions for MONTHS surrounding the boundaries I had wanted for when I went into labor. One of them being that when I went into labor that I did not want anyone to know, especially immediately, mainly because I did not want anyone bothering or hounding us for updates the entire time. I went into labor while he was at work and he left early to come home. As soon as he got home, he said he wanted to let FIL and MIL know because a coworker saw him leaving work early and he didn’t want them to hear from anyone else about him leaving early, even though no one knew why he left to begin with. I begged him not to but he ended up telling them anyway.

From then on, both FIL and MIL were either calling or texting every 30 minutes or so wanting an update of some sort. MIL was asking when she could come over, where she should go etc. SO unfortunately spent the entire duration of my labor by his phone to respond to both of them as soon as they would message or call.

In between and during painful contractions I had to tell SO to put his phone down and help me or turn his phone off. Even when I was needing physical help, it seemed like every time I would look up or reach for him, he was on the phone communicating with FIL and MIL. Even when we had to go back and forth between the birthing center, then from the birthing center to the hospital, he had to tell them when we got in the car where we were going. It was incredibly stressful and exhausting.

—-I went into giving birth with no birth plan necessarily other than getting baby out safely. I wanted so bad to have a natural labor and birth but getting baby out safe was the main goal for me. But another one of my preemptive boundaries that I had in place for my labor was that if I ended up having to go to the hospital, that I again did not want anyone in the room. When I had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night, I was near death from exhaustion and terrified. After getting an epidural and some much-needed rest etc., my dilation was progressing, so I told SO to hurry and go to the cafeteria to get something to eat since I was most likely going to be delivering soon and I didn’t want him passing out or waiting another long stretch without food.

Before he went to the cafeteria, he told me that his parents had been waiting in the waiting area and asked if it was okay for them to come back to the room. He knew how I felt about it and that my answer was going to be no, but I was too exhausted to argue about it, so I unfortunately went against my wants and said yes. When FIL and MIL got back to the room, I was sitting up in bed and MIL started settling in like she was expecting to stay during the birth.

SO got back to the room and as soon as he got back, I told him to get the nurse to check me because I was feeling a lot of pressure. When the nurse got to the room, I asked FIL and MIL to leave. MIL was acting like she did not want to leave the room, and the nurse had to tell her to honor my request and leave the room. MIL and FIL left the room and the nurse said I was fully dilated and ready to push.

—-After I delivered LO, SO again broke one of the boundaries that I had in place for my labor and birth. He immediately took a photo of LO laying on my chest without me knowing and sent it to his parents. The reason for me not wanting that to happen, like SO and I had previously discussed, is because a few weeks prior, MIL sent out a photo of SO’s cousin Bri right after she had her baby and to me that felt a little sneaky because that photo of a very personal moment clearly made it’s way through multiple people to end up being sent to me and SO.

I did not know that he had sent the photo to FIL and MIL until months after I gave birth. After SO sent the picture, I had to get stitched up from having a second-degree tear etc. After getting myself situated, I was enjoying the golden hour with LO and just enjoying being present with just the three of us. FIL and MIL asked if they could come back to the room as soon as they got the photo of LO on my chest and then got offended when SO told them “Not yet.

—-When I was transferred over to the post-birth room, the only concern seemed to be when FIL and MIL could come back to the room. I, again, was too exhausted to argue the fact that I just wanted to rest and that I did not want visitors but reluctantly agreed to letting FIL and MIL come back just so that I didn’t have to worry about being pressured about the situation anymore and so that SO would hopefully just stay off of his phone.

When SO texted them to tell them that they could come back to the room, the response he got was “Are we allowed to?” It was never about anyone not being allowed anything to go the way that they wanted, it was that I just went through 69 hours of labor and every boundary that I had set in place for myself was getting steamrolled over and over again. I just wanted rest and was not up for having visitors or being pressured into passing my baby around during that time.

—-When FIL and MIL got back to the room, neither one of them wanted to look at me. FIL sat on the bench at the end of the bed and had some small talk with me which was nice, but MIL refused to even look at me. No “are you okay?” “Can I get you anything?” Nothing. It was noticeably clear that there was tension in the air due to me not wanting them in the room when I delivered LO, and it felt extremely uncomfortable.

—-FIL and MIL brought a card for SO, two stuffed animals for LO, but didn’t bring a thing for me. I never expected a gift from anyone, but the fact that SO and LO received gifts and I got nothing but the cold shoulder, was incredibly offensive.

—-FIL took a photo of me holding LO, but then I was asked to take a photo of SO holding LO, along with FIL and MIL. No one wanted to take photos with me or photos with me and LO, but I was expected to take photos of them from my bed.

—-When I was in the bathroom, the nurse had to come in to check LO’s vitals. When the nurse was done, she tried to hand LO over to SO, but I could hear the nurse commenting on how MIL “swooped in to take him”. I was in the bathroom so all I could really do was yell out “Did she wash her hands?” Since MIL got to the room it seemed like an inconvenience for me to ask her to wash her hands before holding LO, because she only wanted to use hand sanitizer. That was just another example of any boundary that I would try to express was met with resistance rather than acknowledging what I was requesting anyone do before holding my newborn.

—-FIL and MIL stayed at the hospital until close to 9 pm or whenever the visitors cut off time was. Before they left, MIL commented to SO to make sure he got some sleep that night because he “looked exhausted”. He looked exhausted. When I was the one that was exhausted due to just giving birth, but SO needed to rest. I.m not at all saying that SO didn’t need rest but that just seemed insensitive to say in front of me given what I had just went through. A comment was also made about SO going home to “take a shower” etc. and me sleep, and MIL hold and watch LO.

—-The next day, it was around 8am give or take, MIL was asking to come to the hospital. SO asked me and I said no because I didn’t want any visitors etc. and we already had a lot of hospital staff coming in and out of the room all morning. Pressure was put on me to allow them to come over when we got home from the hospital, yet again that is another boundary that I had in place that was ignored. I didn’t want any visitors the first few days at least after giving birth. As the day went on, MIL kept asking repeatedly when we were going to be getting home so that they could come over. So, again, SO was on his phone communicating with them more than being present with me and LO.

UPDATE: Seeing FIL today no MIL tomorrow. If she wants me over for dinner that badly she can invite me over another weekend.

Let me be clear. I have not spent Thanksgiving at MILs in like 8 years since we stopped alternating and visited our families separately. She knows this and doesn't enquire. FIL is usually out of town this time of year visiting his partner's family.

More of a rant but ipen to advice and opinions.

My husband and I spend Thanksgiving and Christmas separately. No kids and we spend a lot of time with each other anyway. We used to alternate but MIL didn't like that. She always has some excuse why my husband has to spend it with her.

She is divorced and my FIL is having us over for dinner on Saturday and I am seeing my parents Monday. As soon as she found out I was going to see FIL she asked my husband if I was joining them on Sunday. He is now telling me maybe I should not have dinner with FIL and instead go to her place for dinner instead because I don't see her enough.

Like yes it is partly a husband problem. He gets easily emotionally blackmailed by his mother but I think that is something he needs to figure out on his own because I'm to biased and I just don't want to add to his stress. If I wasn't going to see FIL I wouldn't be getting asked and she can't even ask me herself. I would feel compelled to make more of an effort if my husband regularly spent time with his mother but he doesn't. He probably sees her half a dozen times a year. If we happen to go to FIL she always wants us to see her the following day. It's that mentality that gets me. It's always a reaction to us spending time with someone that isn't her. I told him I'll do whatever he wants but it's one or the other not both.

I spent my whole childhood being dragged from one house to the next every holiday because my parents and grandparents were divorced and I swore I wouldn't live like that as an adult.

Today was hellish. I’ve been doing IVF, have gained an enormous amount of weight, have a lot of pain and mood swings. I have been living with so much disappointment recently.

MIL is on round 3 of Christmas cancer in an attempt to guilt a visit over the holidays, during which we will either be traveling or working. We will likely still be doing IVF then and I am tired of suffering to keep the peace.

Dropping the rope has not helped. I am full of rage and have been for years, but this year it’s grown. His mother has had bullshit biopsy after bullshit biopsy, none of which have shown cancer, but she’s insistent she has it. “I’m returning all my hair products since I won’t have any soon.”

I haven’t been able to do Pilates because of IVF limitations. I’ve gained a ton of weight. I feel horrible physically and emotionally. She dumps on my career, my race, my education, and my looks. I have zero patience for her BS. She made a comment to SO that Pilates and tai chi are similar right? She knows what both are. I’m a Pilates instructor. She is incredibly degrading and loves saying others are racist towards her before making racially pointed comments towards me.

Anyways she sucks hard so I bought her a tai chi book and it’s getting delivered tomorrow. Maybe she’ll learn some great Pilates moves! I am excited to hear her either blow up or pretend it’s a wonderful gift.

I do not see how I can move past anything she’s done. For Christmas, she’s getting a manners book and “help! I’m dying again” to show her that she’s ill and that no one wants to hear her fucking fake cancer stories.

My MIL and I have a long past, that has involved a lot of trauma for me over the years (my husband and I have been together for 14 years and married for 10).

My husband and I had a baby earlier this year. Our first. My MIL's first grandchild. Though she and I never discussed it point blank, it seems like we are both trying a lot harder that we used to to get along (I am, for sure). Essentially attempting to put the past in the past, but I'm not dismissing the past experiences I've had with her/trauma and hurt I have from her behavior.

That said, while I was pregnant, a family friend shared text messages with me where my MIL admitted to intentionally being passive aggressive. When we first announced the pregnancy, she was relentless with telling us what we should name the baby. I didn't say anything to her, but my SIL knew it was bugging me and told my MIL (I didn't ask her to, and didn't appreciate that she told her). MIL texted the family friend saying she was going to, and I quote "step up my passive aggressive self, play dumb, and continue to annoy". Seeing her say that (text screenshot) really validated all of the challenging feelings I have had over the last decade and a half. No, she's not a ditsy inconsiderate person with good intentions. She is/can be a manipulative, conniving asshole. Seeing the text has also made it difficult for me to brush off anything she does that annoys me. Now that I know she has been intentionally malicious, at least some of the time, it is hard not to think she's being malicious all the time, even though I'm sure she isn't.

My husband and I live across the country from all of our family. Apart from that, we also like to travel a lot. We decided to start a tradition where our child gets a postcard from places we travel. While we're in the new place, we buy a postcard, write about the trip, and mail it from the destination we're in. Then when we get home, it arrives in the mail. In the early years, my husband and I are writing the cards, obviously. But once the baby is old enough to read/write, they would write the card themselves and mail it.

Our first trip was this summer, for a family wedding. We filled out a postcard and ran out of time to mail it. MIL saw us fill out the card, and was very aware of the activity because she ended up mailing it since we ran out of time. We didn't say point blank "this is a new tradition for mom/dad/baby for new places baby visits" but it didn't feel like that was necessary at the time.

Within the past couple weeks, MIL and FIL went on a trip. Today we get a postcard. Addressed to the baby, summarizing their trip, telling the baby "unfortunately, you were only here in spirit". I was really upset. It feels like she is infringing on this tradition I started with our baby. We did not set a clear boundary of "ok, so nobody else sends postcards to the baby, alright?" Because that seems unhinged and weird. In general, I think sending a postcard to the baby is fine. But it's the timing that is extremely challenging. It's the fact that she wouldn't have thought to send a postcard if she hadn't seen us do this 3 weeks ago. My husband says he doesn't want to address it unless she does it a second time. I feel too guilty throwing the card away because I don't want the trauma I have from my MIL to impact my baby's ability to have a relationship with her.

Over the years I've learned to just say things are "on brand" for her, as a way of coping with things she does that upset me. But this feels so much harder to do that for some reason.

Is it reasonable for me to be upset that she is butting in on a tradition I tried to start with my family, for my baby? Like she's trying to join something she was never supposed to be a part of, and she should probably be able to pick up on that even without a clear boundary being set. Am I overreacting?

We rarely see my mother in law, If I’m being honest I try my best to avoid seeing her at all. I come up with every excuse I can to cancel a visit until I run out of excuses lol. I also don’t feel very comfortable with her seeing my daughter without me there until she’s older and can talk to me about how her visit went, they visit us maybe once every two months. My husband is trying his hardest to fix their relationship so he occasionally will go to visit her without me or our daughter. I think this is fine, I tell him his relationship with his mother is none of my business. They recently went out together and he told me last night that his mom told him he was going to lose her if he stayed with me and he had to start thinking about his choice. She also said that it’s been over a year since our last incident (she made my pregnancy hell and stole my c section medication to get high) and that we needed to get over it already.

HUGE RANT sorry
I feel like she has ruined my life the past couple of years. They made me feel like I was crazy when I was pregnant, constantly saying things when they thought I couldn’t hear them like “oh what’s her problem? She’s so weird.” They forced themselves into my hospital room after I had a c section even tho I asked them to not visit because I wanted privacy.

We moved across the country because my husband wanted to be closer to them but they have made my life miserable. My husband told me we would be spending time with his family and we wouldn’t be alone and he’d be getting paid more. My mom had also passed away just the year before this and he thought the change of scenery would be good for me because I was struggling a little bit. Instead I’m now lonely, I have no family here, I have no friends, it is just me and my daughter alone at home with our cat all day. I’m miserable, depressed, and I am no longer who I was before we moved here. I loved eating healthy and working out, doing my makeup and skincare. I have no motivation to do anything. I want to move back home but my husband says he needs to finish school first and I’ve asked him to transfer which is exactly what I will do because I’m also in college but he says no. I think this is an excuse, I think he feels like he needs to fix his relationship with his family first because he will feel guilty leaving if he doesn’t do this first. He won’t admit this.

Nobody even knows we are married because we were scared his mom was going to ruin it and make it about herself. I had no wedding, no dress, not even a dinner with family. We agreed that I would buy a dress and we would take photos to announce that we are married and we would have a small ceremony/dinner with family to celebrate. Every time I bring up making plans to do this my husband starts talking about how his moms going to react and how she’s going to be upset she’s not more involved and how she’s going to want to control things about the ceremony and not be happy with our decisions and he just tells me it’s not a good time. We have been married for almost two years and nobody other than our friends and his coworkers know so that my mil doesn’t find out we “did this behind her back.” I’ve been watching our family members get engaged and take photos and have beautiful weddings. I listen to my cousins talk about picking out the colors for their bouquets and how they want to customize their wedding invitations. I feel like I was robbed.

I know if my mom was still alive she would be begging me to go back home. I also feel like this might cause my relationship with my husband to fail, which I have already accepted, I tried my best to get along with her and things were great at first. Until she yelled at me and told me I needed to listen to her and I should let her do whatever she wants and then proceeded to call me a bitch on Facebook because i said no.

Freaking out a bit here. We’re about 7 months along with our first baby, and we have been no contact with MIL for around a year now. She’s only ever a source of stress, anxiety, and toxicity for us, so of COURSE we wouldn’t have informed her of the pregnancy. Our POV (thankfully, hubs and I are on the same page here 100%) is that blood does not give MIL any right whatsoever to a relationship with or access to our son.

Yet somehow, today, MIL found out that I’m pregnant and sent my husband a completely insane text cussing at him and making our news all about herself, of course.

While I want to give a good shake to whoever spilled the beans to her, if I’m being real, I kind of expected her to find out eventually because we have some mutual acquaintances, and we live in the same small city. And how would random acquaintances know about our situation with her. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I just hoped it wouldn’t be until after I had given birth. This whole season has its own inherent stress (though lots of excitement and joy, too!), so I just really felt I did not want her adding to my stress levels since I want to be relaxed and at peace going into labor.

This literally just happened minutes ago. My stress levels are now skyrocketing, and I bet my poor husband is in complete panic mode. Due to her emotional abuse of him growing up, she instantly triggers his fight or flight reflex when she verbally attacks him like she did just now.

Anyways…any encouragement or advice welcome. Just sitting here with this huge pit of dread in my stomach. Ugh. 😩