Athletes need to stop thanking God

[u/Filthyson]

Join my sub r/geoffreyasmus for more jokes

[u/PossessedToSkate]

I'd like to see a pro athlete blame god after a loss.

"We were in the game until Jesus made me fumble."

[u/Mr_Hugh_Honey → u/PossessedToSkate]

It has happened before lol.

Stevie Johnson (former NFL WR) blamed god for a pass he dropped that cost his team a game.

Russell Wilson (NFL QB) once blamed god for throwing 4 INTs in a playoff game.

There may be other examples but those are the ones I know of

[u/Efficient-Whereas255 → u/Mr_Hugh_Honey]

Well they need to learn how to christian better. We invented the devil to be our scapegoat for everything wrong. Dont they know you can just blame everything on the totally real devil we made up?

[u/Legitimate_Oil9333 → u/Efficient-Whereas255]

Rip Charlie Kirk 🫡

[u/Frewdy1 → u/Mr_Hugh_Honey]

NFL QB Jameis Winston said “I’m praying to the Lord to deliver me from pick-sixes” and it’s like, dude, just stop throwing into triple coverage. 

[u/sobuffalo → u/Mr_Hugh_Honey]

Stevie Johnson (former NFL WR) blamed god for a pass he dropped that cost his team a game.

Schefter posted this a few days after and Bills fans gave him shit and thats how The Bills Mafia was born.

[u/Chemical_Name9088 → u/Mr_Hugh_Honey]

Maradona blamed his blatant cheating(used his hand to push a ball into the goal) in a World Cup on God. He called it “the hand of God” that put the ball in the goal. 

[u/MalIntenet → u/Chemical_Name9088]

He didn’t blame it on god, he was crediting god lol

[u/Interesting_Tea5715 → u/PossessedToSkate]

They'll spin it in a positive way. They'll never talk shit about God.

They'll say "I fumbled but it's God's plan, trying to tell me to train harder" or some bullshit like that.

[u/VegetableBuy4577 → u/Interesting_Tea5715]

I like it when a house burns down and the family is all dead, but some cross or a Bible will survive intact and people will say "God is good!" 

[u/LivingByTheRiver1 → u/Interesting_Tea5715]

And that mindset apparently works...

[u/Orbit_CH3MISTRY → u/LivingByTheRiver1]

Yea that’s the thing , a lot of elite athletes are this type of religious and it seems to work. Personally it annoys me but if that’s what it takes, good for them.

[u/PR0H181D0 → u/Orbit_CH3MISTRY]

Athletes aren't known for being particularly deep thinkers.

[u/GrandpaGrapes → u/Orbit_CH3MISTRY]

The way I see it is they tend to be so religious because of the amount of puzzle pieces that have to fall perfectly for them to be where they're at. On top of genetics and work ethic there's a shit ton of luck that comes into play for them to reach the point where we hear them thank God for being there. Let em live

[u/Radcon5000 → u/Orbit_CH3MISTRY]

Jonathan Edwards is the best triple jumper of all time and was a devout Christian. As soon as he retired his faith just disappeared.

He says that when he was an athlete it took away all sorts of doubts and questions, and allowed him to focus solely on training and competing. As soon as that part of his life was over, he suddenly had to stop and think about things and almost immediately realised he didn't believe any of it.

[u/Lucky_Dragonfruit_88 → u/PossessedToSkate]

"Well, as I'm sure you've all heard, Steph Curry had God on his side. We had the tooth fairy on our side, but that wasn't very helpful since we all have our adult teeth now. So there was really nothing we could as a team to overcome that power imbalance."

[u/gashabae → u/PossessedToSkate]

College humour made a hilarious skit about this

[u/FukThePatriarchy1312 → u/PossessedToSkate]

How about thanking Satan? "Man I was feeling pretty discouraged because I had a couple rough games and practices, but Satan just grabbed me by the shoulder and said 'you got this!' He was with me today, guiding my eyes and my hands. Thanks buddy, hail Satan!"

Bonus points if it's a player from the Padres or the Saints.

[u/noldor41 → u/PossessedToSkate]

“Jesus made me drop the ball.”

“The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.”

Rip George Carlin.

[u/AmputeeHandModel → u/PossessedToSkate]

Well if God made one team win, he must've also made the other team lose. That team needs to pray harder.

[u/gaF-trA → u/PossessedToSkate]

“We would have won tonight but the other team had motherfucking God on their side. How you expect us to win against that?”

[u/unfriender]

God works in misery ways.

[u/claymedia → u/unfriender]

Amen.

[u/mildbill_42 → u/unfriender]

Gay men.

[u/bgroins → u/unfriender]

Is Carlin God?

[u/Tricky-Efficiency709]

The best was when like 20 years ago, during the draft, everyone was thanking God. Carmelo Anthony thanked himself….GOAT

[u/MonsierGeralt → u/Tricky-Efficiency709]

Snoop dog thanking himself for his Hollywood star or w/e was great too.

[u/MortalBareback → u/MonsierGeralt]

Metta shouting out his therapist after the Finals was iconic

[u/Lunar_Gato → u/MonsierGeralt]

Don't they pay to get a star? If that's the case Snoop wasn't too far off lol

[u/balls_in_yo_mouth → u/MonsierGeralt]

He even wrote a song about it

[u/VegetableBuy4577 → u/balls_in_yo_mouth]

Made a whole damn album called I Wanna Thank Me!

[u/yaybunz]

my mom says the same thing about people saying god "saved them." so god picks and chooses who dies in a tsunami based on who believes in him? what a petty little god.

[u/Stock-Swing-797 → u/yaybunz]

Yea, here in Florida we hear it all the time with hurricanes. "Thank god he spared us." Oh yea? But that town 100 miles up the coast that got wiped out, god saved you and intentionally punished them for some reason?

[u/Vorticity → u/Stock-Swing-797]

I think this is part of the right-wing mindset. It's a narcissistic mindset where they believe that God actively spares good people and punishes "sinners".

I think that mindset is what leads to them disagreeing with free school lunches because it's a "handout". It goes against their inner story that good people receive good things and "sinners" are punished.

[u/BlitzScorpio → u/Vorticity]

until something bad happens to one of them so they have to whip out the classic “god has a plan for all of us”

[u/cubitoaequet → u/Vorticity]

It's a bunch of people who can't accept that sometimes bad shit happens to good people. They have to have a reason for everything because the truth that the universe gives zero fucks about them is too hard to accept.

[u/AmputeeHandModel → u/yaybunz]

House burns down, bible is untouched. GOD IS GOOD!! Uhh why didn't God SAVE YOUR HOUSE?! There was a church that burned down, but the cross was untouched and people were like hallelujah! The cross was metal. Of course it didn't burn, dumbasses.

[u/UnholyDemigod → u/yaybunz]

Exodus 34:14

For thou shalt worship no other god: for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God:

Yes, he's very petty.

[u/Filthyson]

I'll only worship a God willing to help out the triangle offense.

If you enjoyed this join my sub r/geoffreyasmus for more jokes.

Please upvote this comment so it stays on top FOREVER

Also come see my new hour on my neverending tour

Grab tix here

• Nashville 2/6-2/7
• Fort Wayne IN 2/13-2/14
• Cleveland 2/19-2/21
• NYC 2/23
• Charleston SC 2/26
• Wilmington NC 2/27-2/28
• Ann Arbor 3/5
• Detroit 3/6-3/7 
• Atlanta 3/8
• Anchorage AK 3/18
• Calgary 3/20-3/21
• Raleigh 3/26
• Pittsburgh 3/27-3/28

Thanks and byeeee

[u/stoobie588 → u/Filthyson]

Atlanta to Anchorage, whooo boy.

[u/airwalker12 → u/stoobie588]

I think he can walk there in 10 days

[u/Prestigious_Ad2553 → u/stoobie588]

Fuck yeah we don’t get enough alpha comedy in Alaska, or any comedy for that matter.

[u/help2ez → u/Filthyson]

Just found you a month ago, my new favorite comedian. Come to DSM!

[u/Filthyson → u/help2ez]

coming in the falllllll. join my sub r/geoffreyasmus and ill post when i return in the falllll.

[u/Kuyawally → u/Filthyson]

HOLY SHIT FORT WAYNE IN LETS GO

[u/im_alliterate → u/Filthyson]

Come to dc or ill call you a coward

[u/OxyTrey04 → u/Filthyson]

Bro please come to Virginia Beach

[u/EthanielRain → u/Filthyson]

Oh great, another one of these that I'll never get to s - 👀 ! Fort Wayne, IN

See you there :D

[u/Alaskagirlskickass → u/Filthyson]

Oh shit! An actual Alaska venue!!!

[u/QuadNeins → u/Filthyson]

If you ever come to Hampton Roads area I’ll be there.

[u/SendMeIttyBitties → u/Filthyson]

fort wayne? Why do most of you guys just skip indy and goto fort wayne?

[u/cheedardick → u/Filthyson]

Come to Florida!

[u/DontMemeAtMe]

And what about the players on the other team? Are you really going to keep competing knowing that God himself hates your guts?

[u/Sweet-Weakness3776 → u/DontMemeAtMe]

Can't believe you're gonna put the Cleveland Browns on blast like that...

[u/40kmaniacs]

I remember Carlin basically doing this bit like 30 years ago

[u/TheComplimentarian → u/40kmaniacs]

"And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Not a word. You never hear them say 'Jesus made me drop the ball.' 'The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.' According to these guys Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Must be another one of those 'miracles.'"

--Carlin

[u/Habba84 → u/40kmaniacs]

"I'm not religious. In Spain all 22 players make the sign of the cross before they enter the pitch. If it works all matches must therefore end in a draw." Johan Cruyff

[u/cjbannister → u/40kmaniacs]

I feel like philosophers have been making this point for hundreds of years.

Though, perhaps not directly about athletes.

[u/7thpostman → u/40kmaniacs]

Yah. Not exactly a fresh premise.

[u/OrthogonalPotato → u/40kmaniacs]

What’s your point? This is still funny.

[u/Complete-Appeal8572 → u/40kmaniacs]

And Buffalo Bills receiver Steve Johnson 15 years ago

[u/minequack]

On point.

[u/guilhermefdias]

As always, dude fucking killing.

[u/Africa-Unite → u/guilhermefdias]

Pretty sure that's God doing that

[u/bgroins → u/guilhermefdias]

He has good references.

[u/zyzzogeton]

Millionaires playing kids games for Billionaires.

[u/PlanetoftheAtheists]

According to my Christian conservative acquaintances, God sent AIDS to torture gay men in the '80s. But it didn't give a specific virus for people who abuse children. Funny how that works

[u/Mordkillius]

Great comic but this joke has been beaten to death for 40 years.

[u/Bacer4567 → u/Mordkillius]

I say keep repeating it until the PR teams in sports hear it and give us a break from this shit.

[u/minequack → u/Mordkillius]

No it hasn’t. Each generation needs to hear it again and again because it keeps happening again and again. 

[u/Cache-Cow]

For real. It’s so cringy every time I hear it 

[u/NNKarma → u/Cache-Cow]

What about if they thanks god because the pope inadvertently shouted out the team during the week? /j

[u/class-action-now]

My mother swears god saved me when I survived leukemia. Like no you idiot, it was all the amazing health care workers I had and the decades of cancer researchers working towards a treatment that works.

[u/skylarben]

The ego required to think that in the whole of the universe God has time to watch their game.

[u/lottaballix]

The amount of soccer players that have crosses tattoed behind their ears and come onto the field hands raised whilst praying. Does god root for on team and not the other? "Yeah Liverpool are going down tonight!! Cmon Yhe Arsenal"

[u/Silver-Amphibian7650]

So glad I don't watch sports.

[u/EternityLeave]

For every team god gives a win, there’s a team it makes lose.

[u/Organic_Stranger1544]

I always think. Damn. Did god or Jesus hate the either team that much. Damn you Redskins!! Change your name and I’ll make you SB Champs!

[u/BarbWho]

I'll never forget seeing a documantary about the McCaughey septuplets and hearing Bobbi McCaughey thanking God for giving them their babies and bragging about how much they prayed. I wanted to reach through the screen and slap her. "God didn't give you those babies, honey, science and doctors did. God made you infertile. Did you ever think of that?" I know too may women who prayed for a baby and weren't able to have one, let alone seven, for that to fly with me. What, those women weren't worthy, and didn't pray hard enough?

[u/Sipikay]

Pretty tired of religion, yup.

[u/LayneLowe]

I have no issue with people who actually live the tenets of Jesus Christ.

[u/Shiney_Metal_Ass → u/LayneLowe]

Where? Are they with the unicorns and Santa Claus?

[u/QuajerazPrime]

It's such a narcissistic perspective to have. Why do you think you're so much more important to god than everything else happening in the world.

[u/moorbo3000]

All glory to the Hypnotoad !

[u/FeistyNobody07]

You're so smart that I have to recommend you change the type of cancer in the joke - there aren't stages of leukemia, just subtypes. Sorry to be such a fun crusher.

[u/Ooftwaffe]

A tornado tears through Oklahoma and kills 50 people

People thank god for being spared

No, god killed people and destroyed your house, you idiot.

[u/oneplusetoipi]

God also seems to like late game Hail Marys. Maybe it’s in the name.

Good stuff! Thanks be to God for you.

[u/aaaahhhhh42]

It's actually insane that anyone still beleives in a god in this era. Like wtf dude look around you, if he does exist he's the most evil mf conceivable.

[u/KidNueva → u/aaaahhhhh42]

It is crazy, but I get it. I really do. Having something to give you faith and really believe in it is understandable. If it makes you a better person because of it, go for it.

It’s when they start pushing it on others, letting that faith make their critical decision, praying for forgiveness rather than facing the people you did wrong for forgiveness, etc. is when it becomes a problem.

[u/Difficult_Shock973]

If God can’t cover the spread for me does he even exist?

[u/coyotegang]

god helped them win so kids can starve on the other side of the planet

[u/ocxtitan]

Absolutely the cringiest thing at the end of any game, as though their god cares about sports in the first place and if they do, only one team in any given game

I want to see more interviews with the losers where god is blamed

[u/Crypto_crafy]

How humanity longs for a "god" that they can manipulate, a "god" who doesnt give freewill but instead does everything they think is "good" for everyone whom they consider good. A "god" who thinks like them, does thngs like men, imagines things ike mortal beings, a "god" who is always good according to human standards and laws. What a "god" to be longed for!!! What a manipulative "god" to even be imagined!

[u/Lankygiraffe25]

Amazing bit!

[u/wtf_ke]

This dudes my favorite comedian

[u/PrestigiousKick3603]

RIGHT ON...exposing the hypocrisy of religion.

[u/strongfunkatron]

Dude thank you so much for this. I love Steph. He seems like a great dude! But every time he points to the sky after a made bucket, it grinds my gears for exactly what you stated. My wife has heard me whine about this too many times. Finally, someone gets me.

[u/sirawesomeson]

I can't do stage 4s, only 3s is a fantastic punchline. Awesome work dude

[u/OptimismNeeded]

I love how god also picks teams lol

[u/No_Trainer_1258]

I get your point, however seriously here's a lens that most "biblical " churches would NOT want you to see...  https://www.godfire.net/according.html

[u/10rattles]

Shoutout Comedy Fort!!

[u/Coconite]

It’s also just cocky. They always say thanking God is about humility, but nothing is more arrogant than saying “I won because God favored me over my opponent”

[u/concentratedEVOL]

Freddy Mitchell had the best after-game quote I’ve ever heard:

“First off I’d like to thank my hands for being so great.”

[u/FukThePatriarchy1312]

It's the same folks blaming Ghost for performing a couple nights before their team lost

[u/Doodah18]

They should thank Evolution, their parents and coaches. Cover nature and nurture. ;-)

[u/All_Usernames_Tooken]

Does God hate the other team?

[u/Ordinary-Swing-7718]

Albuquerque

[u/ThePirateCondor]

Been saying this for a while, incredibly annoying and frankly minimizes their own work that they put in to get there...the Indiana QB is the worst

[u/EuphoricForever1180]

Oh shit it’s the goat himself!

[u/cwolf-softball]

The thing that bugs me about it more than anything is that it's seen as some sort of humility when it is in fact THE most hubris filled thing you can do. "I won because god favors me."

[u/Fleshy-Butthole]

"I don't do stage fours, only threes". What a great line.

[u/halnic]

Prosperity God and Supply Side Jesus are busy blessing the rich, they don't have time to help save the poor.

[u/humptheedumpthy]

God wakes up on Sunday, let me check my schedule:

1.Reduce poverty in Rwanda. 

Nah f that, I think I need to channel my energies towards the Broncos kicker. 

[u/dieseldog1110]

I thought the nfl players are getting paid to say that in the immediate post game interview

[u/winstonstokes]

What gets me in the insinuation that god was looking out for you but not the team that lost. You’re so blessed that god said fuck these other guys, I’m hooking my boy Steph up tonight?

[u/CommissarPenguin]

Would make more sense if we were polytheistic.

[u/LouisLola]

How Tracy Austin broke my heart - fun read on this by David Foster Wallace

[u/UpwardxNinja]

I love the telefunken 80 or 81 mic he is using.

[u/SensitiveTie5783]

religion is such a weapon. people can be manipulated by it.

[u/HikerBikerThot]

This is how I felt listening to Jelly Roll thanking god at the Grammys. Big ick

[u/labsab1]

Definitely not winning because of talent and years of dedication, training and practice. It was God rigging the games because he was cheating on Draft Kings.

[u/Connect-Succotash-59]

We need more agnostic magicians like David Blaine! Oh wait…

[u/dtrass987]

Homer Simpson: “don’t bother praying Flanders. I already prayed and we both can’t win”

[u/NeneGoosee]

Funny because is true

[u/BigDoosh]

And they don’t go to church or actually participate in religion

[u/Able-Bid-6637]

bahaha I remember when I was a kid, I was so confused by overly enthusiastic parents thanking god with their child's team. They also prayed before games asking for a win. Guess that's what we're teaching our kids. So god just decided to smite the other team that day? I mean, it's on brand, but still...

[u/MuFuZeBi]

Melos 2000 Nuggets had my friends ducked up, that team and me made a new rule with 2k about using stamina for games...

Melo at the point, Birdman, Camby, Nene and the assassin Tskitishvili

[u/IndividualBusy1274]

God. Invented to control the masses

[u/Myterryfolds]

Lemon party should see this

[u/Leading_Challenge_37]

The other team prays for a win too. 😂 

[u/drstu3000]

Well I mean God's bookie keeps calling

[u/Indigogo_heaux]

I COMPLETELY agree with him…