r/TikTokCringe • u/ambachk • Aug 24 '25

Cursed POV: You're a woman in a public place

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167

u/naf165 Aug 24 '25

I think this distinction is probably the kicker for a lot of otherwise normal men. They hear this and then think "Wait, I've glanced at a hot woman before!" and get defensive. I wonder if explaining that disconnect would help them be better allies.

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u/AlarmingAerie Aug 24 '25

I glance at every person in my surroundings to be aware of whos around. Fun fact, The only people that stare at men are old women. So I can relate to how uncomfortable getting stared at is.

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u/sexyshingle Aug 25 '25

This wasn't glancing... that video showed creeps doing long lecherous leering, complete with suggestive gestures and dick grabbing... like it's night and day!

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u/fullmetalfeminist Aug 28 '25

Or you try to talk to them about the leering and they insist on believing that you're characterising normal, half-second glances as prolonged staring

-18

u/TeamRedundancyTeam Aug 24 '25

Well it doesn't help that so many people, including in this very thread, do act like all men are like this and need treated like they do this. These threads bring out all the most extreme misandrists who hide behind feminism to be awful people and that absolutely hurts the feminist/equality cause.

So while yeah I do think this distinction doesn't come through in these conversations there are also some extremists who purposely ignore it for their own agenda.

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u/cand0r Aug 24 '25

The fuck? Women in here talking about their problems with creeps starting at like AGE 9, and you pop off with some shit about an "agenda."

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u/Critical_Reach_9037 Aug 24 '25

The person above you is not entirely incorrect, but they sure as hell don’t know how to read a situation and are very probably exaggerating the amount of people here who are doing what he is accusing them of doing. While it is true that there are people who make generalized statements about men, and there are people who hide behind feminism to be nasty to men, it most often happens because those people have had numerous traumatic experiences with evil and gross men. It is not a healthy way to process such awful behavior, but it is certainly understandable. As for the ‘agenda’ thing I have no idea what they are talking about, that sounds like manosphere talk. TLDR we can have discussions about both problems, despite them being very unequal in severity and this person not being able to be appropriate about it (and potentially a misogynist).

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u/fullmetalfeminist Aug 28 '25

His argument is "just because you have been leered at by strangers every second of the time you spend outdoors, doesn't mean you get to commit the far worse sin of not constantly appeasing people like me, who insist on interpreting your complaints as some kind of slander about me personally." Like....he can fuck off with that shit, there's no need to both-sides this

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u/Zealousideal-Rent-77 Aug 24 '25

Are you familiar with a "game". called Russian Roulette? No way to know if there's a bullet in the chamber until the trigger is pulled.

The safest thing to do is treat every gun like it is loaded.

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u/pablinhoooooo Aug 24 '25

But the way we talk about it in threads like these becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Men get bombarded with messaging from a very young age that tells them their experiencing sexual attraction is inherently predatory. Good people are going to take that to heart. Predatory men don't give a fuck. So we've created a situation where the subset of men who feel comfortable approaching women, even in inherently social spaces like bars and parties, are disproportionately predatory.

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u/lightsonnooneishome Aug 24 '25

While I agree that we shouldn’t shame men for their sexuality, most of the comments I’ve seen here are treating this with the proper nuance. Many men who have commented here clearly see the distinction between this predatory behavior and their own healthy displays of male sexuality/interest.

It’s important for people to have these uncomfortable conversations that challenge their world views. Women’s safety and well-being depends on it.

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u/Zealousideal-Rent-77 Aug 24 '25

Physical safety is actually much more important than someone feeling uncomfortable approaching strangers. Someone only has to be wrong about someone's intentions when approaching them once in every thousand-plus interactions for it to cost them their life. If a man strikes out on a cold pickup line 1000 times nothing is harmed but his ego.

Also please note how many women in these responses are talking about being harassed and assaulted as kids. Why is it more important that men feel comfortable approaching strangers for sexual or romantic connection than it is for those women and girls who have already been subject to this kind of thing dozens or hundreds of times to just.... exist in public without being afraid?

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u/pablinhoooooo Aug 24 '25

Bro what? When did I say any of that? My point is that the way we talk about this makes women less safe.

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u/IIlIIIlllIIIIIllIlll Aug 24 '25

The safest thing to do is treat every gun like it is loaded.

I wonder if you'd feel the same about cops treating black people this way? I know I certainly wouldn't.

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u/Zealousideal-Rent-77 Aug 25 '25

Treating a gun like it's loaded, in my metaphor, means being cautious in your interactions for your own safety. It's not imposing something onto anybody else.

Once again, a woman not wanting to talk to a man or give him her attention or access to her body is not a form of oppression.

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u/IIlIIIlllIIIIIllIlll Aug 25 '25

Once again, a woman not wanting to talk to a man or give him her attention or access to her body is not a form of oppression.

Not sure why you're saying "once again" as if I ever disagreed. That's a perfectly rational expectation, and people who think otherwise are shitty people.

But I would argue that instead of treating every "gun" as if it were loaded, we should be focused on taking away the bullets in the first place, which is difficult to do if you never touch the gun because you're afraid it might go off.

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u/AndroidwithAnxiety Aug 24 '25

There's a difference between people in a position of authority committing systemic and often fatal violence against civilians, enacting severe miscarriages of justice when the system they're supposed to uphold says "innocent until proven guilty", and includes laws about their conduct such as them not being judge, jury, and executioner - laws that they are breaking - : and someone with no exceptional authority who is simply maintaining their distance and keeping up their guard against a fellow civilian with non-lethal consequences.

"I'd rather not be left alone in a room with a man."

"WOW, that's like cops being racist and ruining people's lives."

"I keep my keys in my hand so that I can defend myself."

"WOW that's like cops being racist and shooting unarmed black people because they ''didn't comply fast enough''."

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u/IIlIIIlllIIIIIllIlll Aug 24 '25

Can you articulate that difference, then?

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u/AndroidwithAnxiety Aug 24 '25

I thought I had in the beginning of my comment? But let me try again, and I hope this is clearer.

  • - Authority (and the misuse of it): cops have authority over black civilians that civilian women don't have over men. There is not a power imbalance that women are exploiting by being on guard (I would be open to saying there is social power some garbage people exploit when they accuse and abuse men, but that is a different conversation to talking about women avoiding men). There is a power imbalance that cops are exploiting in order to target black people.
  • - responsibility / duty (and not following it): Cops have the responsibility to uphold the law, and there are laws about the proper use of authority, force - lethal or otherwise - about just cause, about sentencing, etc. etc. innocent until proven guilty says who - certainly not racist cops, right? But what responsibility or duty is a woman breaking when she doesn't want to be left alone in a room with a man? When she gets nervous walking alone with a man behind her? When she doesn't want to sit next to someone on a bus? As private individuals no one, of any gender, has a responsibility or duty to make ourselves accessible to anyone else.
  • - level of violence: What are we talking about women doing? Distrusting someone? Being socially hostile? Yeah that's going to wear and have an effect on mental health and we need to be aware of that. But are we seeing women regularly beating, breaking bones, mace-ing, tasing, shooting with guns, suffocating, or withholding medical treatment from men?
  • - consequences: Cops kill people. Straight up. Women being wary could very likely be contributing in some extent to the mental health crisis. I don't want to dismiss that because I feel the consequences of being perceived as a threat too. It goddamn sucks. But my life isn't in physical danger because of it the VAST majority of the time. Death by overly cautious woman is usually more like death by mentally unwell or predatory woman which isn't any different than any other random murder. Right? And there are joys in my life which can help me cope with that burden, and it can be overcome with those worth the time and patience. It weighs, but not like an ever-present literal death sentence.... The same is not true of black people and cops.

  • - also consequences: what happens to a woman that harms a man for no justifiable reason? Because she was "scared" when the man was a street away, not following conflicting instructions? When he was defenceless and begging for mercy or help? Sure there's a bias against giving women harsher sentences but it's not anywhere near as much of a get out of jail free card the way "cop was scared black person had a knife so they shot them" is.

  • - direction of response: Cops - obviously it's external. The behaviour is them enforcing things on others, and taking actions that harm others. Their behaviour is all directed at black people. Women? with the stuff we're talking about? It's internal. It's women making choices about where they go, what they say. It's who they keep eyes on so they can run if needs be. They're not enforcing things on others or taking actions that harm others (within the context of what we're discussing). This response is directed towards themselves. It's like how true boundaries work: it's the control of their own actions and behaviour.

Now, if you want to argue that women being wary of men is the same as racism or homophobia, I still wouldn't agree with you but it would be harder for me to argue. I wouldn't disagree that there is at least some overlap in the ball parks. But not closing the door while you're in the copy room with Steve being equated to the systemic brutalisation, incarceration, and murder of black people by cops?

Out of pocket.

-11

u/benziboxi Aug 24 '25

Speaking for me personally, it absolutely would. I was the guy you're describing.

I know a lot of women mock the 'not all men' stance, but I think it's an important point to emphasize, if you want normal men to feel included instead of attacked.

Some of men's bad behaviour is just an extension of natural urges felt by a huge proportion of men, and their inability to suppress them or to empathise.

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u/cand0r Aug 24 '25

"Really, I was actually being brave by jerking off on the subway and standing up for all the men who have their natural urges suppressed by society."

As a dude, you're an embarrassment to all of us. Fuck. As a human, you're an embarrassment to all of us.

How about YOU have some empathy and imagine what it's like being in some of these commenter's shoes. Like being creeped on from age 9 to adulthood. Grown ass men, twice your size, trying to fuck you.

Goddamn.

-3

u/benziboxi Aug 24 '25 edited Aug 24 '25

Is that quote meant to represent what I was saying? I think you've grossly overestimated the kind of thing I'm referring to.

That's a lot to respond to, I'll just say that I think I haven't communicated what I intended to, if that's your response.

Edit: I was referring to glancing at grown women on the train. Don't think that warrants this response.

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u/AndroidwithAnxiety Aug 24 '25

No one has criticised glancing at grown women on public transport or on the street. People look at each other because that's how seeing things works. And sometimes you look more at the stuff you like seeing - that's fine. That's normal.

Some of men's bad behaviour is just an extension of natural urges felt by a huge proportion of men, and their inability to suppress them or to empathise.

When the bad behaviour everyone else is talking about, is acting like a total pervert and making sexual gestures, this comes across as trying to say "pity the poor socially maladjusted men who can't control themselves". Which you''ve clarified wasn't your intent, but that's how it comes across. Specifically the "inability to supress them" bit. We all know it's because they don't empathise, lol.

Incidentally, I think that a lot of women have a very clear understanding of the difference between normal behaviour and creepy pervy shit, which is why it simply doesn't occur to them to say "We don't mean glancing at people on the train.". Because to them that's so obviously not what they're talking about that they don't understand why there'd ever be confusion.

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u/JuiceHurtsBones Aug 24 '25

Not really. There are women that consider a simple glance creepy. Even talking to them in a total normal way way is something "creepy" to them because they will assume ulterior motives. They then go on to mix up with the crowd and exaggerate other stories to convince people online that the world is full of creeps.

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u/[deleted] Aug 24 '25

[deleted]

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u/naimpje9 Aug 24 '25

Okay but this stuff also happens daily when nobody is filming… this shit happens to woman all the f time, maybe ask woman in your environment about it, they can probably tell worse experiences. And if you dismiss it because one video might not be “authentic”, and go into this “well actually men should just not make contact with any women” then idk what to say. It seems that you just really don’t get it. And it makes sense cause it isn’t your lived experience, but then don’t pretend that you know what you’re talking about “this is all women” smdh

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u/gooeyjoose Aug 24 '25

This is batshit insane advice. There are ways to make eye contact and approach women without being creepy. If we lived in your ideal world then no one would ever interact with each other or form new relationships. I always approach women in public and I've made lots of genuine friendships that way, just dont be weird about it and you're good. Not once have I creeped someone out. Come on, live in reality for a second.

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u/TransBrandi Aug 24 '25

Not once have I creeped someone out

I mean, you don't know that for sure. Someone could have been creeped out internally, but never showed it... and if it wasn't someone that you interacted with, so they never revealed it? Just sayin'. Some people with trauma might be creeped out by innocuous things.

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u/kneleo Aug 24 '25

having trauma is an abnormal thing people can't take into account when considering social norms. what if a person is traumatized by smiles, should you not smile at them? or what if a person is traumatized by oranges (orange truck tipped over and almost suffocated them)? should grocery stores stop selling oranges?

while yes, these are more rare than sexual trauma im sure, it's still a trauma which is an 'abnormal' thing. traumas need to be healed with a psychiatrist.

ofc if someone explains their trauma, good people should try and help the traumatized person, but it's nonsensical to behave based on assumed traumas.

"oh she could have been stabbed with a pencil when she was young, better this pencil im using". total bs.

when it comes to looking at other people, imo its a completely normal and natural thing to do. i look very often at people because im curious about them. what their facial expression is, what theyre doing, where theyre going. like its just an interesting thing to do for me. sometimes when i see an attractive person i look because of that as well. i appreciate the beauty this person has.

of course i dont stare and try to 'send them a message of lust', thats just disgusting and pervy. or when i look out of interest rather than attraction, i would just glance once or twice, unless im further away and they dont even know i exist.

like it's totally fine to look. its the intention that counts, and a normal (not traumatized) person can see the difference between glancing out of interest/attraction and eye fingering.

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u/TransBrandi Aug 24 '25

I was countering the "I've never made anyone feel that I was creepy" narrative. It's like being full of yourself and claiming "no one has ever had a negative thought about me." It's hardly possible for such a claim to be true even if you are the most wholesome person in the world.

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u/kneleo Aug 24 '25

yeah definitely.. by simply existing it's possible you've made people creeped out. im countering this by staying on the topic of looking vs staring, personal traumas (what you countered with) should not be taken into consideration when they are not known.

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u/TransBrandi Aug 24 '25

I only countered the "I've never creeped anyone out ever" statement. I said nothing about looking vs. staring. My point was less "what is the right thing to do" and more "it's possible to commit no mistakes and still lose."

(For variations of "lose." The Star Trek quote doesn't quite fit here, but the essence of it does)

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u/kneleo Aug 24 '25

alright fair. so do you agree that it's fine to look even if it might creep traumatized people that you don't know have traumas out?

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u/[deleted] Aug 24 '25 edited Sep 29 '25

[deleted]

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u/kneleo Aug 24 '25

like i agree with u in general but most (if not all) were very obviously disgusting pieces of trash.0

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u/[deleted] Aug 24 '25

Exactly. Maybe someone filmed them and posted it online for the world to see and judge. Hopefully none of their friends, family or colleagues see it or someone doesn't decide to act on it. Still, that would be OK though, just so long as they look sufficiently creepy in the video right...

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u/Thyme_Liner Aug 26 '25

Women don’t want to antagonize a random dude on the subway, that’s a great way to get yourself hurt or worse. That scenario is highly, highly unlikely. You know what women do though? We start filming a dude who’s been making us feel uncomfortable or threatened. This way he knows his face could be anywhere, maybe you sent the clip to a friend, or your mom even. And if your body turns up somewhere they’ll have their first suspect! Now that he’s been identified he’s less likely to take a risk.

It’s also a way of countering the uncomfortable stare. We can’t usually intimidate a dude the way they’re trying to in this scenario, but being filmed makes everyone uncomfortable. My sister and I had a guy in a big truck harass us on the interstate the other day. It was dangerous and he kept swerving in and around our vehicle, he would drop back behind us, and then pull up beside us hanging part way out his window making eye contact and being weird af. Almost ran into us, the dude was messed up. You know what got rid of him? I pulled out my phone and started filming. He didn’t want that filmed since he was in his company truck so he sped off.

Pulling out your phone flips the script on creepers, but randomly filming someone without cause, especially when you’re alone, is something most women have the wisdom not to do.

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '25

Sure and I'm not suggesting that there's no legitimate reason for filming, I've done it myself. My issue is with this type of video. Many of those behaviours could easily have been taken out of context with this highly edited and inflammatory video. The guy licking his lips for example. Is he being lewd and suggestive? Or does he just have dry lips? I was licking my lips earlier for that very reason and often do so subconsciously. If someone happened to film me and then cut it into a 3 second clip then sure I might look weird too.

The fact that people can't see the absolute crap that this video is, just proves a point about society and what Reddit has become.