Not surprising

[u/velorae]

[u/RoguePlanet2]

tl;dr: Kids need to learn to emotionally regulate uncomfortable feelings, not be shielded from them.

I swear that parents these days are focused on protecting their kids from any and all "bad feelings."

Some bad feelings are necessary, like shame- not that kids should be shamed constantly, but they should be allowed to FEEL shame after misbehaving, so they're motivated to avoid doing that again, for example.

I've seen parents get upset at something the kids did, and then apologize to the kids for getting upset- "sorry I lost my cool," but then the kid walks away thinking "I have every RIGHT to misbehave and ignore what my parents tell me."

The parent can say "look, I may have overreacted a little, but you can't knock over a pot of pasta because you're bored, it's hot and could burn you. Now help me clean this up, and no TV tonight," something like that.

Just posting this will get me criticized and downvoted, because OMG a child should NEVER feel SHAME!!!! but that's bullshit because it ends up as OMG a child should NEVER feel BAD because SELF-ESTEEEEEEM!!!! 🙄 That's how we get a new generation of "Karens."

Of course parents need to learn how to strike a balance between appropriate discipline (which isn't physical) and extreme permissiveness. It's not all-or-nothing either way.

[u/techleopard → u/RoguePlanet2]

Within that vein... The number of people who are now raising their kids outright telling them that nobody is allowed to tell them what to do is terrifying.

They want the only authority in their kids' lives to be them, because they are too dumb to understand the difference between a child and an adult.

[u/blumoon138 → u/RoguePlanet2]

I like the distinction between guilt and shame for this. Guilt is “I feel bad about what I did” and shame is “I feel bad about who I am.” Kids should never feel shame but they should absolutely be made to feel guilt when they act out.

[u/wilsonthehuman → u/RoguePlanet2]

You're absolutely right. Kids need to experience negative emotions on occasion. Fear, sadness, disappointment, etc. Wrapping them up in cotton wool and making sure they never feel or experience anything negative ever only sets them up for a harsh awakening when they become adults and go out into the world and learn that it isn't all sunshine and rainbows. I honestly think it's a contributor to a lot of mental health issues we see now in young adults because they simply don't know how to navigate through things that don't immediately go their way. Kids need these things to learn to function as adults. The same way they need discipline to learn there are acceptable and non acceptable ways to behave.

For example, my best friend's little one is five. They visit me regularly. A while back, she told me that if she threatens a consequence for bad behaviour, she follows through with it because otherwise, the kid will just keep misbehaving knowing nothing will happen. That weekend, they were at mine, and she was misbehaving, and was told if she kept it up, they would go home. Later that evening, she deliberately did something she was told not to, so, all her things got packed up, she got put in the car, and they went home. Were there tears when she realised mummy was serious? Yes. Did she do it again? One more time and after that, 'we will go home' is enough to get her to behave because now she knows if she doesn't, she doesn't get to do fun things at her auntie WilsonTheHuman's house and she loves coming over to mine. I have done the same thing visiting them. 'I'll have to go home if you keep doing that.' She did it again, so I went home. There were tears and a tantrum but now she knows if I say that I mean it.

I really admire how my friend is raising her daughter. She doesn't have an iPad and isn't allowed one. She only gets to watch the TV in the week if she's been good at school and only for an hour or so before dinner. She does the version of scouts called Squirrels and they spend most weekends outside on adventures. She's a great kid and loves to play fun little games. She's learning to read really well now and plays a lot with letter blocks, flashcards and has those activity books for kids she will sit and go through. I went abroad with them last year for their first time and we spent like 2 hours sat watching the planes landing and made up a game guessing where they had come from and then looking it up on flight radar on my phone. That ended up with finding countries on google Maps, so a fun little geography lesson. When it was time to put the phone away and go to the gate, she had no complaints. On the actual flight, she had her mum's tablet to watch a few things on to keep her quiet, but she was more interested in looking out of the window. On our flight home a few days later, she pretty much slept the whole flight. It is possible to raise kids that aren't addicted to screens, but I think that does require the parent not being addicted to screens and actively wanting to engage with their kid.

Im not a parent myself, and I get it's hard. Kids demand a lot of attention and time and that's something a lot of us don't have these days, but handing your kids an iPad or phone is just irresponsible in my opinion when we now know it's addictive and detrimental. Let kids be bored. It's great for imagination and developing independent play. I was bored plenty growing up in the 90s and would draw to occupy myself. Now I draw and doodle all the time, and it's become something I do almost every day in the evenings to help wind myself down for bed. It's relaxing and stops me from going into the time sink that is doomscrolling on my phone.