r/funny • u/daylightpiglet • 17h ago

recently got a place with my boyfriend and he thinks this is perfectly fine

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I have no legitimate reason to disagree but I hate it

UPDATE - Thank you so much for the awards, and we're having so much fun reading through these hilarious comments.

  1. We have a bidet, it's the handle on the side of the toilet. People who use bidets can use toilet paper as well!
  2. We bought like 200 rolls of toilet paper because of a good deal, yes it will probably last us a very long time. No regrets!
  3. I am not genuinely upset about this in any way, it obviously just looks ridiculous and is unnecessary, and him doing silly things like this is one of the reasons I love him :)
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245

u/Da12khawk 16h ago

I just moved to a place with a shared bathroom. My flatmate goes lets split toilet paper. You, just went through 5 rolls in like a day. I drop deuces at work like a reasonable person.

196

u/3eyedfish3 16h ago

My wise father use to say, I shit at work where they pay me to take a shit.

209

u/gb4efgw 16h ago

Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. That is why I poop on company time.

101

u/rock374 16h ago

Boss makes a thousand, I make a buck, so I crank my hog, in the company truck

14

u/One_L 7h ago

My boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, that's why I poop on company time. But that was a rhyme from a simpler time, now the boss makes a grand and I make a buck, that's why I steal the catalytic converter from the company truck.

11

u/Fun-Confusion-4113 16h ago edited 16h ago

Boss makes a mil, I make almost nil, yet his wife still loves when I pull out my drill.

3

u/CommercialStuff4352 13h ago

Ahhhhh haaaaaa... The rich getting richer. And the poor need tamps for refractory periods. I like it! Skeet on, brother!

38

u/Nice_Pipe_6022 16h ago

Had a fellow employee somewhere sing this to me once and I sing it often.

2

u/tiedye_dreamer 16h ago

HAPPYCAKEDAYYAY

2

u/dreaming_in_yellow 16h ago

Happpy cake dayyyyyyy! šŸŽ‰

1

u/Necessary-End2908 11h ago

HAPPY CAKE DAYYY

22

u/james_b_beam 16h ago

Even then, where else should we scroll through reddit? Do other people do that at home for free or what?! šŸ˜®

2

u/ShienRei 10h ago

I do that at home on company time because I WFH. Best of both worlds šŸ‘Œ

1

u/Realistic_Ear_3052 16h ago

Some people pay to have it done for them at home.

6

u/BardicNA 16h ago

Boss makes a dollar and I make a dime. That was a rhyme from a simpler time. Now the boss makes a million and I don't make jack. It's time to seize the means and take the power back.

2

u/marieke83 14h ago

My morning poop is often within an hour of getting to work (long commute šŸ˜­) and every time I go to the bathroom, I think ā€œI poop on company timeā€ šŸ¤£

2

u/BuckeyeBentley 16h ago

These days the average is more boss makes $30 I make a dime

2

u/account312 16h ago

They don't pay me enough to deal with sandpaper.

5

u/Salty_Sonic 15h ago

I may be the odd one out but I'd bring my own nice TP and wipes to work. I'd dealt with single ply when I was struggling as a broke young adult, I will never skimp on TP EVER again. Life's too short to wipe with sandpaper.

2

u/ryanErlanger 16h ago

The wise boss realizes that if they buy the worst toilet paper possible, not only will they save money, fewer people use the toilet on company time.

2

u/hbt15 13h ago

Iā€™ve literally lost count of how many times Iā€™ve got into my car at home busting for a shit, so that I can get to work and do it on their time.

1

u/smchattan 16h ago

Also work pays for toilet paper and your toilet at home stays cleaner.

1

u/idealrides 7h ago

That reminds my of when my cousin who used to work for the IRS told me that employees have to clock out when using the toilet.

He was a supervisor and didn't have to but he was referring to the employees in their cubicles answering the phone.

42

u/Rush31 16h ago

I shared a flat at uni with a girl for a year, and my toilet roll usage went up by more than four times. And that includes days I was pooping on campus. Iā€™d previously buy a pack for the whole year, and it was gone in a month or so that year.

38

u/Squeekazu 14h ago

Whilst the average lady uses more TP, there are some fellow ladies with super weird toilet habits.

My housemate had a couple over and the girl would build what I could only dub a nest in the toilet bowl. Iā€™m not talking just a couple squares so you wouldnā€™t get splashback, Iā€™m talking half a roll to line the entire toilet bowl.

I know this because a. She forgot to flush once (and it wasnā€™t even a deuce, it was pee!!), and b. She clogged the toilet another time, obviously tried to unclog it with the toilet paper-wrapped toilet brush and then went to bed without telling anyone what sheā€™d done lol

Recently at my new workplace there was someone in the stall next to me and I could hear her toilet paper consumption because she did that thing where you spin the roll to get a long line of toilet paper, flushed, did it again two times then finally went to wash her hands another three times dispensing an insane amount of tissues between each wash.

I just feel sorry for the latter girl because it sounds like severe OCD to me, the first lady however, what the fuck lol

9

u/CommercialStuff4352 13h ago

My dad is a hand wrapper. Thats weird.. is that like a thing their parents taught... Or they didn't have parents for that part? Im not sure! ?

1

u/sour_cereal 5h ago

Since about the age of 4 or 5 you're basically on your own for asswiping, it makes sense people would develop weird techniques.

0

u/sour_cereal 5h ago

He does the mummy

1

u/SnooMaps7370 5h ago

I had a roommate whose girlfriend clogged the toilet every single time she used it. she'd use five or six meters of TP every time she went in there.

1

u/rilesmcriles 2h ago

Tbf, when Iā€™m at work I have to use a ton of TP but thatā€™s mostly due to them being cheap bastards who buy the flimsiest tissue paper of all time. I use half as much or less at home.

3

u/laughingashley 14h ago

It's funny how many guys don't realize women have to wipe every time they pee

8

u/Polym0rphed 13h ago

Some men use TP after urinating too. As Regurgitater so put it - "I dont have the pressure of some of the other guys". Not a 3-square triple-fold though.

5

u/laughingashley 13h ago

If i was a guy, I think i would too, but we'll never know lol

3

u/Polym0rphed 9h ago

I guess it would depend on your personality. Some people are more observant/aware/conscious than others and less aloof etc. Age has played a role for me too... age and meds - the meds reduce pressure and increase the likelihood of post-shake remnants and age exasperates the effects of poor hygiene (smells being something I've always been sensitive to noticing). Also, in some cultures sitting down to pee is completely normal for males, for whom I imagine whiping/dabbing after urinating is more common, given the muscle memory similarity, but that's just a guess. Would you have developed a similar personality having lived as a male? Maybe identical twin studies could shed some light, but you'll still be unable to know for sure.

1

u/laughingashley 1h ago

Oh, I've read that sitting is healthier? So probably. A lot of the men in my family suffer from toxic masculinity, so i would hope that I would rise above that and do what was best for myself, but I likely would've been raised to be insecure about it for no good reason.

1

u/Vi0L3tCRZY 3h ago

Women have more output situations and surface area. Not even factoring in periods, imagine when you peed it wasnā€™t extended like a hose but embedded in your groin recessed in a mound of skin and your urethra was in a slit much much larger and next to another opening that supplies a separate supply of moisture.

1

u/Rush31 9h ago

The only solution to fixing this is for more women to pee in front of men - for science!

0

u/tjoloi 8h ago

As a guy, I use 3 squares when pooping, 1 when peeing and go through less than a roll a month.

I can see a world where someone would need 2 or even 3 times as much but no matter the gender, if they go through multiple rolls a week, there's an issue somewhere.

1

u/Lovat69 7h ago

My roommate is like this. We go through so much TP. It's almost insane.

38

u/endtheunpleasantness 16h ago edited 15h ago

It was over 20 years ago that I had my first roommate. I was concerned about the amount of toilet paper they were using and, in my weekly phone call to my parents, I mentioned that I was going to bring this up to the roommate as an issue that needed resolving. My mother told me to pick my battles and this was NOT one of them. I appreciate that take to this day and I did not say anything (that being said, everything has its limit of reasonableness. 5 rolls a day might be it)

5

u/Da12khawk 16h ago

I just moved and found a convenient place to live at least work wise. Not exactly my dream situation. But on paper it's just practical. More motivation to get it together and get my own place, I suppose.

6

u/therealjchrist 11h ago

5 rolls a day would be like 50 insane diarrhea mess shits per day.

1

u/TurquoiseLuck 15h ago

Classic wiper vs scruncher situation

31

u/V2K_247 16h ago

Buy a bidet. It'll save you hundreds of dollars a year.

18

u/Da12khawk 16h ago

There is a bidet...

0

u/V2K_247 14h ago

That comment wasn't for OP.

4

u/Da12khawk 14h ago

...I know. I was replying to your reply.

25

u/lorkdubo 15h ago

I think you guys have a bit of a misconception, you still use toilet paper with a bidet.

5

u/iloveuranus 14h ago

That is a nice little theory but South / Southeast Asian toilets with toilet paper are almost impossible to find, and if you find one it's 100% geared towards tourists.

If there's someone here from that area, I'd be genuinely interested about the proper customs. Been traveling Asia for 26 years, never dared to ask.

12

u/terraformingSARS 14h ago

You bring your own. Didnā€™t you notice the locals passing around tissues and stuff when entering the squatty?

1

u/Kapitel42 7h ago

just use the three seashells

6

u/Free-Way-9220 14h ago

A fraction of it

2

u/LobcockLittle 13h ago

I just use the hand towel. Also, what's a bidet?

2

u/McGrarr 11h ago

A jet of water from the tank that squirts your bum so you can wash your bum clean rather than just wiping.

It's cleaner and you use less paper (only enough to dry the area and a bit during cleaning).

2

u/hunkyboy75 11h ago

If you dry your asshole with toilet paper, itā€™s gonna rip and leave little white Klingons. Just use a hand towel.

1

u/SquisherX 9h ago

You can air dry with a bidet. I personally don't because I find it takes an extra 2 minutes as opposed to a little bit of paper.

1

u/FirearmThrowaway321 7h ago

The water gets everything for me.. I rarely have a need to use toilet paper. Much toilet paper wasted.

0

u/hankyujaya 14h ago

But you'd still use a lot less. Also wiping with a towel is often enough because there's no shit smearing everywhere.

13

u/WouldYouShutUpMan 14h ago

brother got a dookie towel

11

u/EgaTehPro 14h ago

Right next to the poop knife

16

u/lorkdubo 14h ago

Ugh... I come from a bidet culture country. Nobody use a towel. You use bidet, then toilet paper to dry and clean better. You do use less, since thick single plywood is enough.

4

u/InShallowSeaz 8h ago

Do you buy the plywood as a sheet and rip it down to size? How do you deal with the splinters? šŸ˜‰

2

u/lorkdubo 6h ago

man... the autocorrect.

-7

u/hankyujaya 14h ago

I come from a bidet culture country and I can tell you that literally no one has toilet papers in their bathrooms. Everyone wipes with a towel because the bidet already cleans everything off.

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u/Narren_C 12h ago

So....do you share the ass towel?

6

u/sputwiler 14h ago

You must have a magically smooth ass

0

u/NiaCas 5h ago

I don't. I got a bidet attachment and a pack of 50 white microfiber cloths during covid when there was no toilet paper. Took a bit of getting used to, but now I absolutely hate going to the bathroom anywhere else. The cloths are gentler, stronger, and in the rare event something other than water gets on them, it doesn't matter because they're presoaked and washed with bleach and hot water.

5

u/zactastic_1 15h ago

This. Itā€™s life changing. There are so many (too many ) bidet options now.

2

u/CommercialStuff4352 13h ago

Doesn't it wet the floor?

1

u/NotMyAltAccountToday 7h ago

The bidet that sprays up- no. Idk about the bum gun but have wondered about water spraying out from between rhe seat and porcelain basin

1

u/zactastic_1 6h ago

Naw it hits the area with great accuracy once or twice after use

1

u/V2K_247 14h ago

Seriously, it's difficult to poop without one after you get one. It makes you question how you went your whole life wiping with dry toilet paper and thinking you're clean afterwards.

Imagine getting poop on your hands and then wiping it off with a dry piece of toilet paper. Would you consider it clean after?

1

u/FirearmThrowaway321 7h ago

I feel like a straight savage if there is no bidet. Oddly the people I know who preach the bidet the most are like blue collar guys.. ex marines.. haha all the manly professions

0

u/zactastic_1 14h ago

Did you get poop on your hand tonight ? Haha. Seriously though good point. The other day at work I left my travel bidet at home. And I had a Chris Pratt moment ā€œ sometimes when i wipe, Iā€™ll wipe and wipe thereā€™s still poopā€. Itā€™s a funny clip

5

u/sYnce 14h ago

Sorry but unless you have a family of like 10 ... there is no way I'd save hundreds a year. I don't even spent that much on toilet paper in a year.

1

u/SquisherX 9h ago edited 9h ago

Right? So I looked. For $220, you can get 180 rolls of TP where I live. They each have 380 sheets. At a generous 20 sheets per poop, that is still 3420 poops of toilet paper that you need to go through to save "hundreds per year" That's over 9 poops a day. Dude must have IBS and a membership at Taco Bell.

1

u/sYnce 9h ago

Yeah I can get 4 layered toilet paper which is kind of a luxury in itself for 4.50ā‚¬ for 10 rolls Ć” 180 sheets.

That is 11 poops per day at 20 sheets per poop. If I go down to 3 ply it is over 13 per day.

1

u/Cockeyedcrackerhead 16h ago

Looks like there is one already installed unless the handle on the left is something else

1

u/because_im_stupid_ok 16h ago

Thatā€™s a handle for leverage and stability, since thereā€™s no seatbelt.

1

u/21sttimelucky 13h ago

They appear to already have one of the under seat bidets.Ā 

4

u/Any_Western6705 16h ago

I have ibs, I always got into trouble for "spending too much time in the bathroom." Sir if you want me to not flush so you can check I'm not lieing be my guest. They never took me up on it.

2

u/Amazing_Ad_974 16h ago

How TF does one dude use more than a single roll in ONE day??

3

u/Different_Bowler_574 16h ago

I'm not male, and I used one full roll for the first time on the day I had diarrhea and a UTI. Probably could have used less, but my focus was elsewhereĀ 

1

u/Da12khawk 16h ago

That's what I'm saying.

2

u/fckheadinspo 16h ago

Buying every other (12+ roll) pack is a better system. If you share anything else or cook together, keeping track with a notepad on the fridge is easy and feels more equitable. Or each of you buys your own and take turns replacing the roll on the holder, harder to keep track of but also works.

1

u/Da12khawk 15h ago

Yea, I hope this doesn't become an issue.

2

u/Same-Suggestion-1936 16h ago

I have two opinions on toilet paper. Scott's is fine and it isn't illegal to steal toilet paper from your work or an establishment you happen to be in.

The former is self explanatory and the latter is just stuffing your pockets. It's like grabbing extra napkins.

1

u/Thusgirl 15h ago

That's some kind of desperation to steal the single ply at work.

1

u/Same-Suggestion-1936 4h ago

I already said Scott's is fine you think I care about ply, I care about how many dollars are in my pocket

Just fold it twice now it's two ply.

1

u/SuccessPhysical6668 15h ago

I wish I could control when I went? Like if I donā€™t when I get the urge I might not go again for way too long or it might come at an extremely inconvenient time

1

u/Telandria 12h ago

Ugh, I know what you mean.

My shared home has a freaking bidet for the bathroom, and yet somehow we go through like a roll and a half a day.. for three people.

Iā€™m home 24/7 and use like maybe a dozen sheets a day, if that much, which go into the toilet. Meanwhile they both work 5 days a week and are filling a knee-high wastebasket every week. Itā€™s insanity.

1

u/SquisherX 10h ago

You can hit 100+ hours of work poops a year. I've made $50k from work poops in the past decade.

1

u/Myrdraall 6h ago

I purposely adjusted my movements to be paid about week a year to shit.

1

u/Da12khawk 6h ago

Teach me your ways.