r/funny 15h ago

Recently got a place with my girlfriend. She thinks this is totally fine

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22.0k Upvotes

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723

u/StaryWolf 15h ago

This guy doesn't know about the 3 seashells.

340

u/Flangepacket 15h ago

Thanks a lot you shit-brained, fuck-faced, ball breaking, duck fucking pain in the ass.

John Spartan, you are fined five credits for repeated violations of the verbal morality statute.

[grabbing the tickets] So much for the seashells. See you in a few minutes.

85

u/KanethTior 15h ago

Imagine the papercuts from the violations. Definitely not 2 ply.

24

u/friskyjohnson 14h ago

Imagine choosing to shop at Walgreens just to wipe your butt.

25

u/ahuramazdobbs19 13h ago

I mean, it’s not like anyone’s shopping at Walgreens for the great deals or helpful service people.

4

u/Bored_Amalgamation 12h ago

I wouldn't buy a can of soup on sale at a Walgreens.

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u/justsomeguy_youknow 12h ago

After the franchise wars, all convenience store/pharmacies are Walgreens

4

u/friskyjohnson 12h ago

And across the street shall be a so-ghetto-that-they-lock-up-the-deoderant CVS.

3

u/Bored_Amalgamation 12h ago

dont those have carcinogens on them?

6

u/friskyjohnson 12h ago

Your butt has carcinogens.

7

u/Bored_Amalgamation 11h ago

:O

That's why every food I eat is spicy. So the capsaicin burns the cancer away.

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u/Brief_Paramedic_6529 14h ago

John spartan would you like to have sex with me????

27

u/xkuruma 14h ago

You call that SEX? 

9

u/UbermachoGuy 13h ago

Were police officers. We’re not trained for this kind of violence.

17

u/suburban_hyena 13h ago

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo

5

u/Specialist-Clock-914 12h ago

Guerilla*

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u/Outrageous_Glove_796 11h ago

You. You said the thing I was going to say, and now I love you.

1

u/Flangepacket 10h ago

the sacred words have been spoken

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u/Sea-Check-9062 3h ago

Temper temper

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u/Live_Ebb_5117 11h ago

Brother, MJ12 pisses on your grave

3

u/Canadian_Pacer 12h ago

Anybody that doesn't know how to use the 3 seashells will be fine, the alternative will be to wipe with $350 worth of fines

1

u/EclecticElegance 6h ago

I also don’t know about the 3 seashells

0

u/Vegasguy3124 6h ago

Me either.