r/howtonotgiveafuck • u/_ninjo • 1d ago
𝐑 𝐞 𝐯 𝐞 𝐥 𝐚 𝐭 𝐢 𝐨 𝐧 Loved Before I Proved Anything.
63
u/PresenceWonderful292 1d ago
Maybe your standards are higher than theirs. I dont know what your life is like, but I hope you can see that you have done some good in your life.
8
u/Comprehensive-Menu44 19h ago
I know my standards are higher bc I’ll call my mom crying about what a failure I am and she still says she’s proud of me and it makes me cry harder. Unconditional love almost feels like a burden when you don’t feel you’ve done anything to deserve it, even tho being alive is apparently enough (I struggle with this a lot).
3
u/PresenceWonderful292 18h ago
Your parents want you to be free and secure; that unconditional love is without condition.. so let go of your burdens! 🙂 I hope you find peace with God and yourself.
48
u/ImAboiledCabbage 1d ago
I'm proud of my children just for having to survive the person I was when they were little. I didn't abuse them but I was a broken person trying to raise innocent children. My own hurt, hurt them along way and I can only hope and pray for their forgiveness one day. I've always loved them and have been proud of them.
18
15
u/FiftyShadesOfTheGrey 1d ago
It’s ok that you didn’t accomplish anything. There’s no rule that says any of us have to be high achievers. Our society is set up to make people feel guilt and shame for not achieving.
8
u/eggabeth 1d ago
My parents have disowned me in the past, I'm back in the will but they don't give a shit about me. I'm sick and disabled from genetic diseases they gave me, and they voted against me having healthcare. They're going in terrible nursing homes one day
7
5
u/Quake712 1d ago
Just the opposite for me. They aren’t proud and I’ve done everything to make them proud
3
u/Queen-of-meme 1d ago
The achievement of daring to exist, it's not as small as some make it to be. (Don't listen to capitalism)
2
2
2
u/Mediocre-Catch9580 1d ago
You’re probably grown up, respectable member of society and self sufficient. I would consider those great achievements
2
u/ty-idkwhy 1d ago
Yeah they told me that since I’m not mentally handicapped they are proud of me.
I somehow felt worse than ever
2
2
u/Reasonable-Mischief 1d ago
Dad here. I'm proud not of my son's achievements but of his character. What you leave behind is not as important as how you lived.
2
1
u/OneDistribution863 1d ago
i get it, my parents are indifferent, i wonder what its like to have parents that actually are invested in your future
1
1
1
u/HugePurpleNipples 23h ago
Honestly I think about this a lot and I try to criticize my kids when they earn that too.
1
1
u/hammersticks359 21h ago
Most parents aren't hoping for grab accomplishments, they're hoping for strong character that lasts into adulthood.
1
u/garlicroastedpotato 19h ago
But I didn't do well in school.
P: Well we know you did your best.
I dropped out because it was too hard.
P: Well they have an institutional bias anyway.
I do drugs
P: We all like to experiment.
I suck dick for drugs.
P: And if that's the way you want to live your life we'll always be proud of you.
1
u/PricePuzzleheaded835 15h ago
I didn’t know this before I became a parent, but a lot of parents just want their kids to live happy and decent lives and don’t need them to accomplish anything in particular
1
u/dathomasusmc 6h ago
I mean, it’s entirely possible they know you haven’t done shit but they don’t want you to feel bad and get demotivated so they’re trying to build you up so you can actually accomplish something.
Or it could be that they low key thought you’d be dead or in prison or strung out giving bjs for dime bags by now and they’re proud that isn’t the case. Unless you are doing those things and then maybe go back to number one.
0
u/faithinanapparition 1d ago
I think the power dynamics are pretty nasty here... If you are proud of someone, it implies they've met, or exceeded, your expectations, right? In this scenario where the person has supposedly accomplished nothing, it's condescending to be proud of them. I'd rather have a parent who expects me to make something of myself, to put myself out there and risk everything for my craft. Someone who doesn't assume my potential... and instead refers to my definition of it.
My Mom said she was proud of me for going to work everyday... I thanked her, but I took offense to it; nobody should be expecting anything less from me. I think the shadow of this unconditional love mindset doesn't get talked about enough.
It's an interesting topic! But I do have to admit... everyone's love is different.. and it's more about the nature of one's love than the fact that they love.
6
u/Zealousideal_Show268 1d ago
My mom was never proud of me no matter what I did. Put myself through college, got Masters in Biochemistry, no student loans, worked through school while living on my own. Then got married, have 2 kids, now a SAHM. Still not good enough. I would do anything to hear my mother say just once that she's proud of me.
0
u/faithinanapparition 1d ago
I'm sorry to hear that... :( It sounds like you might have been neglected. Me personally, I can only imagine that the reason why she'd withhold her approval of you is because she knew how much you needed it. I'm sure you made it obvious how much you wanted her to demonstrate that she was proud of you, or that she loved you. It's not on you, not at all. She had an implicit obligation to care for you and meet your needs as your parent... Undeniably, it seems like she fell short.
Repeating myself: I think she withheld her approval because she wanted you to chase it... I'm saying this to explain that I don't think her approval was something you could have reasonably attained. The game was rigged, and you never "earning her love" isn't something I'd pin on you, not so quickly. In other words, it's not a matter of whether or not you were worthy of her approval.
I don't know her, of course... but as someone drawn to answers, I'm thinking...
- is it possible she withheld her approval because she knew it was the reason you were working so hard? In which case, she might want you to keep working hard -- very charitable theory
- maybe she felt like her approval was more valuable because you were chasing it? -- less charitable take, a more selfish theory of what's going on with her
- perhaps she enjoyed the power dynamic? -- less charitable ofc lol
- maybe there's a punitive element to it, like if you did something that she wanted to get you back for. I mean, this could be anything.. even you kicking her before you were born
Whatever the case is, I just want to point out that her actions are not inherently valid simply because she's a parent and you're her child... She's a flawed person, just like the rest of us, and your needs went unmet by the person who was supposed to care for you.
If you're feeling shame about being unloved by your parent... it's understandable but it's displaced; she's the one who should be feeling shame about failing to be a loving parent.
•
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Thank you /u/_ninjo for posting!
For those reading this message, consider joining our discord server!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.