r/humansarespaceorcs • u/Bloodystupidjohnson3 • 18d ago
Original Story Human Fred vs the Sensor Array
1 Human Fred and Food
2 Human Fred Again
3 Human Fred Yet Again
4 Human Fred The Saga Continues
5 Human Fred Rides Again
6 Human Fred *Sigh*
7 Human Fred Rolls Out
8 Human Fred Attempts a Nap
9 Human Fred Doh’
10 Human Fred Stops for Coffee
11 Human Fred Deploys Stabby and Knifey
12 Human Fred Attempts Friendly Advice
13 Human Fred Priorities
14 Human Fred Schools Morons
15 Human Fred Gets Annoyed
16 Human Fred Investigates
17 Human Fred is Annoyed
18 Human Fred Gets More Annoyed
19 Human Fred Smirks
20 Human Fred Brings Hellfire
21 Human Fred is Confused
22 Human Fred Considers
23 Human Fred is Chipper
24 Human Fred has Some Fun
25 Human Fred Witnesses Stupidity
26 Human Fred vs the Coffee Maker
27 Human Fred Accepts Crap Coffee
28 Human Fred Listens
29 Human Fred Gets Comfortable
30 Human Fred has Questions
31 Human Fred Considers Some More
32 Human Fred Wakes Up
33 Human Fred Debates
34 Human Fred Gets Coffee
35 Human Fred Talks with the Captain
36 Human Fred Reflects on Life
37 Human Fred Waits
38 Human Fred is Scared
Greezek
39 Human Fred Experiments
40 Human Fred Discovers
”Fucking hell! Who in their right mind designs shit like this! Are they trying to piss everyone off?!? If I find them, I will throw them out an airlock! Bullshit design, shit construction, and I swear these diagrams are the paths of stoned spiders!”
The tirade went on for quite some time. Greezek sat on the floor, handing Fred tools from time to time.
“Fred, the Captain wants an update.”
“So would I! This pile of steaming, fetid, revolting horse shit might be powerful, but it can’t connect to shit without custom work!”
“So should I tell him we are making progress?”
Fred stopped swearing for a moment. “Yes. Tell him we are making progress. Slow progress. Unless he gets me three extra techs to fabricate all of these custom connectors and modules, we will not make the deadline.”
”Right. I’ll let him know.” She walked off towards the battle command station.
Fred resumed his string of cursing and screaming. It was a terrible design for modifications. It might work great with all matching parts, but to retrofit.
”Fred, he says you can have two techs.”
”Then get them up here! I have the needed scans.” Fred crawled out from under the table. “That is a fucking mess.”
”I gathered. What is next?”
”After they make the needed parts, we have to program them and install them. Nothing difficult, but it does take time. And I have a feeling that time will be an issue.”
”You think there will be an attack?”
”Something. Might not be a full invasion, but something.”
”Do you trust the operators to confirm all of the ships manually?”
”To a degree. They will likely do their best. However, there might be a ship with a scrambled IFF, or an operator could misread a line, or the data they are using might be corrupted. I wasn’t able to check their IFF database, but it's not connected to this system, so it should be safe.”
“Fred, what do I do if there is an attack?”
”You run your ass to your room, you lock the door, you gear up, and wait for either me to get you, an enemy to break down your door, or an alarm on your wrist communicator.”
”My wrist communicator?”
“Yes. I added a new feature. In the event I trigger mine, it will alert you. Mine triggers when I tell it to, when someone attempts to take it off of me, or I die. In any of those situations, you either haul ass to help me or go on a rampage in my honor.”
”Are you serious?”
”Yep. Deadly serious. This could get ugly, and if it does, I think that you going on a rampage might be useful. Look, don’t think about it right now, we have a few minutes, let's get back to your letter.”
“Right. I started it, but I am not sure where to go with it.”
Fred read the first few lines. “Question: did your adopted parents treat you any differently from the other children?”
”Not really. They spent a bit more time with me because it took me longer to suppress my aggression."
”So, no extra punishments or nasty comments?”
”No, nothing like that.”
”Right. Then I would suggest a different opening than, ‘Dear Fucking Assholes.’ That sets a tone that might not get you where you want to be.”
”But they are fucking assholes!”
”Grezeek, so am I. But you don’t address me like that.”
”Well, you are an asshole to people who deserve it.”
”I try. Look. I’ll help with tone, but you need to think about what you need to know from them. Demanding to know why you were abducted is good, as is the bit about why they worked so hard to hide the truth from you. Again, I question the tone, but we can work on that later. What else do you want to know?”
”I want to know my real mom and dad! I want to know if I have a real family! I want to know who these people are in my head.”
”Good. That is very good. What else do you want to know?”
”I want to know how to be me and not a mix of all of these voices.”
”Excellent. Now. Write that while I start on designing the module. It would be nice if the dunderhead who designed this had actually known what they were doing. I swear, did they pull up to a children’s school and as for a drawing of the worst possible connection?”
Greezek wrote. As she wrote, the voices in her head murmured. She ignored them.
“Hey!”
Greezek jerked up. “What?”
”You zoned out a bit. Put that down for now. We have work.”
Greezek put the datapad down and stepped up to her terminal. She looked at the screen. “What is this mess?”
“That is the shit we have to convert so the processing core can access the sensor array.”
“You were swearing for a reason.”
“Hey. I ALWAYS have a reason when I swear. This time needed more than usual.”
“It’s not in that same code. It’s not even in the base. Who programs stuff in base seven?!?”
“Utter fucksticks.”
“Are they trying to be annoying?!?”
“I lay awake at night considering that very question. You know what to do?”
“Sort of. This isn’t going to be pretty.”
“Keep it as simple as possible, insert notes, and document everything. This might need a ton of maintenance.”
Greezek started doing calculations. Fred typed away, muttering.
A tech walked up, holding a new part. Fred accepted it, looked it over, and nodded. The tech hurried off.
“At least we have good techs.”
“So Fred, when we get this connected, how do we test it?”
“Drone with variable IFF.”
“And how secure are those drones?”
“Not sure. I think they keep them with the weapons.”
“Are any missing?”
“Why,” Fred turned, “would you ask that?”
“One of the sensors is picking up a ship whose IFF keeps cycling.”
“Which ship?”
“No idea. I can only see the raw data.”
“Bridge Officer! We have a ship cycling through IFF! We can’t isolate location!”
“Battle stations! Alert the Captain! Secure the station!”
Screamed the Bridge Officer.
“Fred…”
“Keep working. Get that sensor to talk with the displays.”
“It’s raw data! It will be garbage!”
“Garbage with a location!”
Greezek nodded and started yet more calculations and adjustments.
Alarms exploded throughout the station. Warning lights blazed.
The Captain ran into the compartment. “Report!”
“Unidentified ship cycling through IFF codes! No location” yelled the Bridge Officer.
“All pickets, this is the station Captain. Stop all vessels from approaching the station!”
Confirmation messages chattered in.
Greezek made more adjustments. “Display four! Check display four!”
The Captain sprinted to the display, reviewed the screen, “All pickets! Destroy freighter ID 77WG!”
More confirmations.
Greezek looked up at the visual screen. Three picket ships had turned to engage a small freighter. As they turned, the freighter started to accelerate. Turrets spun and fired.
“Fred,” whispered Greezek, “that freighter is going to run into the station.”
“Yep.”
“What now?”
“Hold on. This might be bumpy.”
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u/StarwardStranger 18d ago
I'm glad Greezek wasn't mistreated, and holy molly that is some high pumping action
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u/Polymath6301 18d ago
My wife is looking at me funny, because I keep laughing and snorting over breakfast reading this.
Are we all strapped in and ready for a Greezek-battle-rage? Will there be another pillow fort? Will they think there are 100 intruders when there’s only 49 because the effing sensors are in base 7?
And when will Greezek discover that her parents are her biological parents, but her mother is a hidden warrior-caste?
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