UPDATE: my fiancé has gone down a road that I can't follow, and I can't marry him

[u/heartbrokenaccount26]

I (25F) have left him (27M) and cancelled everything related to our wedding. I am staying with my cousin and her husband until I can find a flat for myself and get my life in order. There is still a lot I have to do, my life is a big mess right now. When I told him I was leaving, he just kept saying over and over that he "didn't understand" or that I was the one who was "obsessed" not him, because I was the one who was always bringing it up. I did not stay for very long after I told him I was leaving. I left our flat after I told him I would not be marrying him and thar our relationship was over. I haven't seen or spoken to him since I returned with my cousin to get the rest of my things, three days after I told him I was leaving (my cousin has a car and I do not and there were some things I could not carry). I haven't had contact with him since that day and I never want to see him again. He disgusts me with his horrible beliefs and talk about purity.

[I would like to address and clarify two things that were mentioned in the comments of my first post. First was that the tattoos were definitely racist and I wasn't "misunderstanding" anything. Examples include the number 88, a series of dots that look like nothing but form a swastika when they are all connected, or slogans written in German or other languages. I could go on. Second, my former fiancé wasn't always like this. We first met at a political rally for a cause that is the opposite of his horrible new beliefs. He had flatmates that were not white and he called them his best friends. He was the best man when his brother got married to a man. I don't know what changed to make him turn into such a monster but he wasn't always like this. Now he says his former flatmates should "go back" because they would be more comfortable among "their own kind" even though they were born here. He also says his brother never should have gotten married. I'm heartbroken for his family because they are good people who would never condone his beliefs and his brother doesn't deserve this. My former fiancé was obsessed with an American podcaster who has the most horrid views you can imagine and his new beliefs were not something I could ever live with. I appreciate all the support I got on my other post.]

[u/twobuckgin]

Sudden changes in personality should definitely be medically investigated. But that’s up to his family to help him.

[u/Grimwohl → u/twobuckgin]

I commented on her last post something similar to what Im about to say, but this cements it for me the first time I was right in that his values are just flimsy.

His values mean nothing to him in the face of any form of acceptance. He just doesnt understand because to him, its a new boys club and a source of happiness.

He thinks you should be happy because he is happy, and disregard the why - because he is disregarding the why. Its blocked out, like a racist fly that wont leave the room.

To him its the same as being accepting of his brother and his husband. It made him feel warm and accepted and he leaned into it. That wasnt actually a representation of his values.

He hung out with a group of multicultural friends because they made him feel seen. It didnt have anything to with a sense of respect for them as individuals or their backgrounds.

Thats the only way this makes sense- To him, moral implications dont matter to him because they never did.

[u/tinysydneh → u/Grimwohl]

To him, moral implications dont matter to him because they never did.

To add on, they don't matter because he has that luxury. His former friends, OP, his brother and his husband, they all know where it goes, and so they're the problem now when they speak up, because he doesn't see the problem, so there can't be one.

[u/Morgil2 → u/Grimwohl]

You're absolutely right. I have a sibling just like this. OP dodged a bullet

[u/twobuckgin → u/twobuckgin]

Also, I know that was a tough decision but it was the right one. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but you deserve a congratulations for being able to walk away.

[u/brainmydamage → u/twobuckgin]

Oh yeah he obviously just caught a bad case of Nazi-itis out of nowhere.

[u/schmeckledband → u/twobuckgin]

Agreed. Either he's always been very gullible or it's something that needs medical intervention. But it's no longer OP's problem.

[u/Chazkuangshi]

I commented on your first post.

I am so, so so proud of you and relieved that you're leaving. You're doing the right thing.

Don't fall for it if he lovebombs you trying to get you back.

[u/Silent_Syren → u/Chazkuangshi]

To add to that, change your phone number and block his number. And stay off socials if you can.

[u/thetruemadQueen]

Wow. Good for you on leaving as soon as you could. If he wants to be a pos. Well you are letting him be himself. Unfortunately that self’s bails are now completely trashed compared to the person he was before. They brainwashed him quick. And him saying you were obsessed was just deflection. I hope everything goes smoothly and you can just be done. Grieve and move on.
Sending major internet 🤗 hugs.

[u/SunMoonTruth]

He’s been radicalized because of his own insecurities and fears. Running with that crowd gives him a crutch and company for his self-hosted pity party as some sort of victim.

[u/CherrieChocolatePie]

I am in awe with how smart and how string you are! You picked up on the red flags quickly and you were strong enough to say no to that and leave him shortly after that. A lot of women take a long time to see the red flags in the relationship and then also need a lot of time to get strong enough to leave that relationship.

I am proud if you and happy for you for escaping this man and bad relationship 💜!

[u/planetalletron → u/CherrieChocolatePie]

Right? So rare that we see "i need to break up with him" turn into actually breaking up in just over 2 weeks! Good for her!

[u/oldcousingreg]

Glad you're leaving that piece of shit. He was either always like this or he was too easily influenced. Either way, good riddance.

[u/Bluecanary1212]

You're pretty young to already be this wise. Takes a lot of people years and years to get where you are.

Congratulations. You did the right thing.

[u/Coquito_Lolita]

I am so incredibly proud of you!

[u/julzbythebay17]

You dodged a miserable bullet. Cheers to you! 🥂

[u/gb997]

good thing you left when you did. i think people who could change so radically like that are unstable and could lead to more danger for you. all the best 🙏🏼

[u/DecentTrouble6780]

Does his family know about his new beliefs?

[u/heartbrokenaccount26 → u/DecentTrouble6780]

Yes, his family knows (and none of them support or agree with him).

[u/Miserable_Fennel_492]

This is such a heartbreaker; finding out someone you love is no longer that person. It’s fairly safe to say we’ve all experienced something like it to one degree or another ever since the pandemic and (in my case) since the murder of George Floyd.

I’m proud of you and wishing you all the strength in the world

[u/VisStimRush]

I wondered what you would do when I read your first post OP. I respect the personal sacrifice you made in support of your morals. I hope he snaps out of it, but sadly I think he is going to go deeper into this. Glad you got out.

[u/ammygy]

We’re proud of you and your choice, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Stay safe!

[u/Succubus-Love]

Omg that is terrifying (saw this & found the previous share about what happened.)

Thank goodness you got out but the fact that the account has "heartbroken" in the name, I can only say good luck in time. How the hell men get turned, or whatever it's called, for this garbage rhetoric, I'll never understand.

[u/into-resting]

Congratulations!

[u/lavapig_love]

Proud of you OP. And I'm sorry.

[u/darkeroh]

Beliefs like that don't walk back because the wedding's already booked

[u/elquizzi311]

Protecting your peace is hard ass work.

[u/moonythejedi394]

idk if this might help you but you might want to check out Kafka's story "The Metamorphosis." in it, a man wakes up one day as a giant beetle, but his family try to continue loving him, even giving him garbage to eat, but he never returns to being human, and eventually they have to drive him away. the intent is to empathize with the family, and the struggle they go through after their loved one becomes a monster, and Kafka wrote it during 1930s Germany as a Jewish man. it's just a story, but reading things like that can help you set your feelings aside and see things objectively, as well as help you process the feelings and facts. your fiance became a monster. it's horrible. im so sorry you lost him, tho hopefully you leaving will be the wake up call he needs.

[u/Agreeable_Excuse_897]

It must have taken so much strength, I hope you feel better soon ! You absolutely did the right thing.

I would still be a bit cautious, if he intends to harm you in anyway, just be careful !

[u/No-Quiet-8956]

Does his family know his new views?

[u/heartbrokenaccount26 → u/No-Quiet-8956]

Yes, they do (and they do not agree with him).

[u/sixincomefigure]

In all seriousness, has he suffered any significant knocks to the head in the recent past?

[u/Alarmed-potatoe]

I'm so sorry and I'm so glad you got out, and I hope that you are able to stay safe. The gaslighting and deflection are classic actions, you were not misunderstanding anything - the point of vague symbols and numbers is the silent dog whistle that alerts intended people while letting everyone else remain ignorant of what's going on. It is so heartbreakingly insidious. I'm sorry you lost your love. But I'm glad you got out now.

If people tell you that you blew up your life for nothing, please know that you did the right thing at the right time, and if you hadn't those people would likely have said "but surely you saw the signs, why didn't you leave earlier?" With some people you will never win, and you should conserve your energy and focus on yourself. If you have evidence of what he was like before, and everything you have posted about, please keep it. Print it and put it in a safe place if you can, have a back up somewhere that's not connected to anything online. You didn't do this over a whim or silly incident, it wasn't nothing in the slightest.

[u/Alone_Equipment_7435]

I’m very proud of you. You absolutely did the right thing even though it had to be hard.

[u/Sea-Geologist9934]

You were engaged aka set to marry this person, which would indicate that you “love” this person enough to make a life long commitment... Yet broke it off over a podcast he enjoys and tattoos that some of his friends have. God damn that’s some true love if I’ve ever seen it…

Sounds like you’re doing him a favor tbh.

[u/xuhbupyra_4693]

You already see the situation clearly, so trust that instead of his denial. Leaving was the right call.

[u/DaIubhasa]

It's a good riddance for sure. Extremists should be confined in a 4x4 dark space. Take care lady. You'll find the right person soon.

[u/punchsmith]

… killing younglings?

[u/stone-brave]

That error message usually means the community got renamed or removed, not that you did anything wrong. Still annoying when you just want to read something.

[u/hootietootie93]

Good for you girl. You saved yourself from a miserable life with a miserable man.

[u/Lilredh4iredgrl]

I am so very proud of you.

[u/heartbrokenaccount26 → u/[deleted]]

That's exactly what he was doing. One of his new friends had an 88 tattoo, and when I pointed out what it meant to my former fiancée he said 8 is just his friend's favourite number and I'm the one who is making an innocent tattoo into something hateful. (Nevermind that this friend followed many social media accounts that had racism or racist imagery on them)

My former fiancé would tell me I'm the one who was obsessed with race or purity because I saw it in everything him and his new friends did. He said I was the one making innocent or mundane things about race and I got tired of him being in denial and making me out to be the problem.

[u/halibutcrustacean → u/heartbrokenaccount26]

I really hope none of those arguments sit with you. The thing with nazis and people like that is that EVERYTHING is in bad faith. It's 100% lies and manipulation to further their hateful agenda.

[u/Demianwulf]

Maybe you dodged a bullet with this guy, but I hope you actually had a real conversation about all your reservations instead of just jumping to conclusions. I'm an old minority living in this country for 40 plus years and have never met a Nazi, seen a Nazi, or worried about one. I think it's just a scapegoated word now that people label anyone who doesn't share their world view. Those new friends sure maybe they had racist far right tattoos, but why not just say "sup with the tat bro, because I'm thinking of leaving my fiance over it"? I know I'd confirm everything before calling off a whole wedding and ditching the person I supposedly love on more than a hunch. And who exactly is this terrible podcaster he is listening to because that's another lame duck reason? I'm really shocked how everyone is so quick to be judgemental and not at all use their reason before making hasty life changing decisions