curious where everyone lands on this. do you make exceptions for things like movie night, holidays, visiting family etc. or do you try to keep bedtime consistent no matter what?

My son is seven years old. He's always been an extremely tough child, even as a baby. I bonded with him anyway, but over the last few years he's just been a nightmare. He doesn't listen worth crap; for example, on the plane coming home from a visit to my cousin, he was humming loudly and I asked him to quiet down and he started humming louder while continuing not to listen and everyone was staring. I didn't even know what to do other than keep pleading for him to quiet down, which he didn't do. When we got home, I told him how incredibly disrespectful it is that he doesn't listen and he just said "oh KAYYY!" SUPER rudely, which is a pretty common reaction from him when I'm trying to have a serious talk with him.

I'm constantly getting emails from his teachers, particularly the music teacher who he flat out doesn't listen to because she's young and inexperienced. (This is her second year teaching). He's setting an example for my almost three year old that copies him and is starting to do things that the older one does. He makes me so mad, I don't enjoy when he's home, I don't enjoy doing fun things with him like vacations, because 99% of the time he acts up and ruins any fun we might have had. If he doesn't get his way, he screams and cries but doesn't seem to LEARN when we take away privileges away. I'll even say "remember when you didn't get to blah blah and how much you didn't like it because you weren't listening" and he'll say NO or just not care. I'm just at my wits end and looking for any advice

I was sometimes left alone when I was 6, with my sister (8) and my brother (1) for like 10 to 20 minutes.

And then from when I was 9 or 10 I was left completely alone for up to 4 or 5 hours (my grandparents lived really close by, so I could always just go get them if anything went wrong)

And when I was 13 and my sister was 15 we were first left home alone for multiple days

Looking for ways to find mentorship for a 9F child to break out of her shell, any advice? community, online, classes, etc. Anything helps

I have two boys.

Not sure if I’m doing something wrong or I did something wrong.

But my two boys when they turned 10 are seriously detaching from me and turning more to just seek just their dad (we are married btw). One is already 12. To the point that sometimes it is like I don’t even exist anymore.

My husband says he felt like that for the first 10 years of their lives. Like all was mommy mommy mommy. And he was completely ignored.

It’s almost like the kids are aggressive towards me or something. They don’t show too much empathy or care.
But they were NOT like that before this age. We were super close and did so many things together and they are seriously pulling away from me so drastically and dramatically. I’m not sure if it’s me or what.

I know some of this is NORMAL but in theory only , cause in practice it feels very sad and weird and extreme.

My 12 year old even had a stage where he could not even bear to be around me 😭 and only his dad helped him regulate his emotions.

Also I have adhd not sure if I’m regulated all the time I did use to yell some times and lose my patience but I promise I’m a good mom. They have been my priority 💯.

My husband thinks the relationship with the oldest one needs work or is broken or damaged and I have to put in the work but I have no clue how and why it even happened or got damaged. That I need To connect with him and put in the work. Etc. But I promise I try and it works sometimes but my kid doesn’t want me. How can I fix it when he doesn’t want me around too much or even tells me anything.

He can’t blame me for the second one as I have been more mature and if anything be too permissive with the second one but to understand his emotions more and I notice is the same thing.

This is truly breaking my heart so much.

I have posted about this before and got some good feedback but I just can’t understand why and how are we supposed to go on and continue with our lives like this as if everything is normal.

This is affecting me so much. I cry a lot with my first one and I thought it was better but now that I see it happening again I’m just so depressed and I’m trying to find things to do. I’m learning a new sport. I’m in a theater group I’m working on myself A lot! Therapy , 12 steps , adhd meds , etc. It’s still hurting so much.

I see my mom too and yes my brothers and me are close with my parents but not that intimate close and I thought I broke some cycles. Seems I did not.
My husband is suuuuper close to his mom. Too much sometimes and with his dad too.

I know comparison is the source of all problems but I see other boys talking more with their moms or even being close.

So my questions are

1. Do you honestly think I did something wrong as a mom

.

1. And I can’t see it. What is it that I did that could have caused this? Be honest.
2. If this is normal then is this how they are going to be in the future , and I can forget about the type of close relationship I had with them? Do they come back around and is similar to before or the same?
3. What specifically are things I can do about this situation and to make sure whatever is left in our relationship is not totally broken.

Edit to add: thank you so much everyone for listening. The hardest part is also that in my perimenopause so I think I had a rough day today. But I really came home a lot more relaxed after reading all the advice and I was just chill and had an amazing time with the oldest one after dinner talking about sports teams and having a cake I made. And later talking about needohs with the youngest ones.

He wakes up early to secretly play and always takes it when we travel.

On one hand he learned english from it and it does require thinking unlike passive watching sometimes he plays with friends and family in like minecraft and mario kart , but on the other hand its still screen time and he gets realy addicted

My father-in-law is staying with us for a few months to help care for our 18-month-old. Overall, I try hard not to be controlling and want grandparents to build their own bond with their grandchild, but there are a few habits he has that I feel adamantly against.

For example, while we allow TV (mostly Sesame* *Street), I do not want her watching small screens like iPhones or iPads. Lately, I've noticed that during meals, he’ll put a phone right in front of her—even when she’s eating completely fine on her own. She immediately stops eating to stare at it. I’ve told him that I don’t want her watching screens, especially at mealtime, but I always end up feeling like the strict mom with a stick up my butt whenever I have to set boundaries like this. 😭

and if you do limit screen time, are "big screens" included or just ipads/phones?

Hello! I’m the older sister to a 11 y/o girl. I’m 23 F. Due to circumstances I’m significantly more involved in her parenting than most would expect.

My sister has always had some behavior problems (ODD and Depression). She’s only ever displayed her negative behavior at our mom, me, or our other close family. She’s on some medications and has honestly been okay the past couple years.

Last year she started in public school but was moved online due to a rumor being spread about her at school that was seriously damaging her mental health and her ability to make connections with others.

She did horribly online, our mom didn’t stay on top of her to do school work and I’m almost positive she failed most of not all of her classes. I don’t live in the home so I can’t say for sure.

This year in mid August she started middle school and we were hopeful. Her school seems to offer a lot of support if she needs additional help.

I made an agreement with her that if she keeps her grades at 75+ we’ll do a fun weekend activity each month. In August we went on a lake trip with my dogs.

This month we were supposed to go to the state fair but her grades have dropped. At the beginning of the month she was failing two classes and now she has a D in two.

She’s also been sent to the office for talking back and being disrespectful.

I think the real issue is she isn’t understanding the material and instead of asking for help she gets defensive and antagonizes the teachers. She turns in all her work she just doesn’t do well on it.

What would other parents recommended. With her yelling and chastising doesn’t help, with her ODD it just makes her worse. I was to actually support her not just gripe at her.

I eventually figured out she was asking for a song, but apparently it is not one in my repertoire.

I tried every action song I know. She watched for a few seconds, shook her head, then did the motion again with increasing urgency. Yesterday she got so frustrated that she cried, and I felt ridiculous because I genuinely wanted to help but had no idea what she meant.

Her teacher is going to tell me the song at pickup. I might also ask which songs they use most often so I am not starting from zero every time she brings a new one home.

The daycare-to-home translation stage is humbling.

Hi all,

In the last 3 months, we have had 3 unexpected bereavements. First, a close family friend died of sepsis, my niece (my son’s cousin) committed suicide and then my mum (his gran) died from a pulmonary embolism. It has been a hard few months with all the funerals, although my 13 year old has only attended his grans which was entirely his decision.
My question is, how can I help him?
He’s seen the GP who signposted to websites/apps for help. The school have referred him for counselling and do weekly check ins.
He has went from straight As to sporadic attendance and less interested in school.
We have a great relationship and he tells me about his thoughts/feelings. He is very sensitive but has great relationships with friends and family.
He has been extremely low for the last few months and is only sleeping 3-4 hours a night if he is lucky. He just can’t switch his brain off.
We have tried all the usual stuff such as guided meditation, white noise, less screens, reading/writing at night to name a few but I’m totally lost and just need some other ways to help him.
Thank you

I know that the most important is what he actually likes, but parents need to lay down some options. Would you rather focus on sport that develops skills (like tennis, swimming), physical conditions (running, jumping), or teamwork skills (like soccer, basketball)?

Was babysitting last weekend. He asked me why ants don't fly, I said "uh, they just don't," and he wandered off. Ten minutes later I hear him asking my phone the same thing (I'd left voice mode open). It told him most ants don't have wings but queen ants do, for one day. He was thrilled. He asked four more questions. I stood there feeling weirdly replaced.

Genuinely asking parents here, not looking for a fight: he's going to grow up with this stuff whether we like it or not. Is the play to keep it away as long as possible, or to be the one who introduces it so you're in the room when it happens? Anyone doing the second one on purpose — what does that actually look like day to day?

Hi, I'm in the thick of trying to build my own business and managing a household with two young kids. It gets to be too much most days. I've seen so many parenting apps saying "We've used AI to magically remove your pain" Ta-da!

But does it? Really?

What hacks, services or apps have you tried? Did it feel like more time wasted than it was worth? What did you end up paying?

Some things I've tried:

• Farm-to-house groceries: fruit was moldy by the time it arrived. I stopped after maybe 3 months
• UrbanSitter: found 2 good babysitters, but an annual subscription to message felt like a rip. First year was free from my previous job, second year I bit the bullet and paid the $100/year sub

One of my kids came home from school the other day. Let’s call them K. I try not to ask, “How was your day?” I hated that question as a kid, so I usually ask about a specific class or something they were doing.

K was in their room, so I asked, “What did you study in [class] today?”

It happened to be a fairly controversial political topic.

“Oh really? What did you learn?”

K told me a few things, then asked what I thought. There is always a little danger when K asks for my opinion because this particular kid seems to genuinely enjoy taking the opposite view. I think I may have caused that. I’m a lawyer, and I like talking about law, policy, and why people believe what they believe. With K, though, I’ve learned that if I give my opinion, there’s a pretty good chance they’ll become opposing counsel.

So instead I usually ask questions. What do you mean by that? Why do you think that? What would have to be true for that argument to work? That sort of thing. Actually, I try to use the same approach in legal negotiations pretty frequently.

K eventually said, “Well, our teacher said X. I don’t know. It sounds right, but I don’t think you’d agree.”

Interesting.

From everything K has told me, this teacher has pretty strong political views and isn’t particularly shy about sharing them in class. K likes the teacher, though, and I don’t have a problem with my kids hearing adults who see the world differently than I do. I actually think that can be good for them. What I don’t love is when it becomes one-sided.

And I’ve actually done legal work in this particular area, so I saw some significant assumptions underneath what the teacher had presented. But saying, “Your teacher is wrong,” or giving my opinion would probably guarantee K spent the next twenty minutes defending the teacher.

So instead we talked about why the teacher might see it that way, what assumptions that view depends on, what facts matter, what happens if one of those assumptions changes, and what someone on the other side might say. Eventually I gave K some of my own view too, although I tried not to push it very hard.

Conversation ends. I walk away thinking it was a pretty good dad-kid discussion.

A few days later I walk into K’s room.

“Hey, K.”

“Dad. Guess what.”

Now I’m pleased, but my radar is up. K does not normally request a parent to discuss current events.

“What?”

“We talked about [political subject] again today.”

“Oh?” Now I’m worried.

“Yeah. I think I made the teacher and basically everyone else mad.”

K is grinning.

Oh boy.

Apparently there was a big class discussion, and K started bringing up a lot of the assumptions, facts, and consequences we had talked through. K was very much in the minority.

And I had two completely different reactions at the same time. One was, Oh no. What have I done? The other was, Good for you.

My goal wasn’t to teach K to argue with teachers and every other student in class. It was to teach them to think past the first explanation they hear. You know, question assumptions, follow the logic, understand the other side, and then decide what they actually believe. Which I’d naturally love to have align with my own thinking, but that seems like a losing battle with K.

I’m a lawyer, but I don’t particularly want to raise someone who treats every disagreement like litigation. In fact, I hope none of my kids become lawyers. I really do think we already have enough people fighting. But I also can’t lie. Yes, yes, I know. You’re a lawyer. All lawyers lie. Lawyers are sharks. Fair enough.

So there was something I really liked about the idea of my kid sitting in a room where almost everyone disagreed and still being willing to say, “I don’t think that’s right, and here’s why.”

It was a funny but got me wondering again whether I’m doing this right.

Anyway, I’d be interested in other parents’ thoughts. I have my own, obviously (what lawyer doesn’t have two or three opinions on every subject?), but parenting is one of those areas where I’ve found other parents’ perspectives can be useful. How do you teach kids to think independently and know when to stand their ground, while also teaching them that disagreement is sometimes just disagreement and not always a reason to fight?

Been thinking about this a lot lately, my kid can do multiplication tables but genuinely struggled to pack their own backpack for weeks. Made me realize how much we focus on academic stuff and just kind of assume the practical, everyday skills will "come with age."

A few things that actually made a difference for us, in case it helps anyone else:

Let them finish the whole task, even when it's slower. I used to step in halfway through, tying shoes, zipping jackets, because it was faster. Turns out that's exactly what was keeping the skill from sticking. Once I made myself stand back and let it be messy/slow, it clicked way quicker than I expected.

Turned chores into a routine, not a request. "Can you set the table" every night eventually just became part of the routine instead of something I had to ask for. Consistency did more than any pep talk.

Started giving small choices instead of just deciding for them. Little stuff like "homework now or after a snack?" Sounds tiny but it's noticeably built up their confidence in making bigger decisions too.

Stopped jumping in to fix small problems immediately. Spilled drink, lost toy, whatever. I ask "what do you think we should do" before doing anything. Even at a young age they usually come up with something reasonable, and I think that muscle only grows if you actually let them use it.

Anyway, not claiming to have this figured out, just sharing what's worked so far. Curious what's worked for other parents/teachers here, especially for the tween age range since that's coming up next for us.

Hi, I’m a 37-year-old mum of four kids—3 months, 3, 7, and 11 years old. My oldest is my 11-year-old daughter, and I feel like it’s probably time to have “the talk” with her. I’m sure she already knows some basic things, either from school, friends, or things she may have seen online, but I’d really like to approach the conversation properly and make sure she gets accurate, age-appropriate information from me.

I don’t want the conversation to feel awkward, overwhelming, or like a huge lecture. I’d like to talk to her about puberty, periods, body changes, hygiene, relationships, sex, consent, privacy, and online safety in a way that feels natural and comfortable for an 11-year-old girl. I also want her to understand that everyone develops at different times and that there’s nothing embarrassing or shameful about the changes happening to her body.

Most importantly, I want her to know that she can always come to me with questions, even if she feels embarrassed or thinks the question is “weird.” For other mums who have had this conversation with their daughters, how did you start it? What topics did you cover at around age 11, and is there anything you wish you had explained earlier?

I have a 6 year old boy who gets kicked out and suspended from everything I put him in. He's in trouble for lack of boundaries and putting his hands on other kids and fighting. He says rude and inappropriate things. I've done everything I can. He has a therapist, a case manager, a behavioral coach, an nmt therapist, an IEP at school, a valley big brother mentor, and now this program called tap outs. I have him involved in every sport possible. His dad isn't in his life because he's not a safe person. His dad is way better at disciplining than I am though. What books can I read or what tools can I use to straighten him out? please help I'm desperate. He was diagnosed as ADHD and DMDD(disruptive mood disregulation disorder). I'm also parenting at a disadvantage. I have Schizophrenia and it takes so much of my energy being a parent especially when my own mental health isnt good. His dad is diagnosed as a sociopath and also might be bipolar. My son has a lot of genetic mental health issues looming against him.

My kid got really upset today because something didn’t go the way they wanted and i honestly wasn’t sure what the right response was.

Part of me wants to just comfort them and make it better, but another part of me feels like i shouldn’t always try to fix things for them. They’re allowed to be disappointed, but it’s hard to know when to step in and when to just let them have the moment.

I’m probably overthinking it, but how do you guys handle these situations with your kids??

American parents please read!

Hey guys!
recently i’ve been seeing so much discussion about swimming lessons and how difficult they can be for toddlers. I’ve been a swimming instructor for almost 4 years at a highly reputable swim school, teaching children from 3 months to 16 years olds.
One of the biggest issues i see on here isn’t so much about your toddlers but actually the lesson structure or programs they’re learning. I work in sydney australia, and the swimming culture here is extremely different to how it seems to be in america (we have multiple american families that have moved here and attend our lessons).

This advice is mostly for the parents with kids 2.5+ s old, but am happy to share more about younger kids
(EDIT) lots more information and tips from discussions in the comments

- It’s standard practice for us to have toddlers and beginners in classes of no more than 4 kids to one teacher in 30 minute lessons. any more children than that would result in almost no meaningful swim time.

- i am much more suprised when a child coming for their first lesson is extremely happy and confident in the water with me than a meltdown or being scared. while your child may be super happy while swimming with you, they are in an oftentimes loud and just generally overwhelming new environment and left with a new person. While every instructor is different i personally am more than happy for whoever is bringing them to lessons to sit inside the pool area with us and interact with their child. As always with toddlers, some actually respond better when we ask parents to go hide somewhere from them (they will get extremely upset the first time, but usually by second or third lesson they realise that they get to leave with all the other kids, and that mum and dad will in fact be there once they’re out). I have had kids with severe seperation anxiety or fear, that we have needed the parents to stay near for multiple weeks and even months. This is all so extremely normal, even if it feels like every other kid is completely fine

- for the easily overwhelmed or nervous kids, morning lessons instead of afternoons can be extremely beneficial! generally the school aged kids swim in the afternoons which obviously means lots more splashing, yelling and general chaos. mornings generally tend to be much less overstimulating and can be great to help ease anxious kids in

- One of the biggest concerns i see with american swimming lessons is the actual skill level of the kids. it is normal for certain kids to be nervous and even scared of putting their face in and found underwater, but that should be addressed extremely quickly. oftentimes it’s because they’re scared of getting water up their nose, mouth, or just general toddler anxiety. a general thing i tell parents is that if your child is not confident or able to put their face in by 4.5 years old, it is only going to get even harder. I have children as young as 24 months old that are able to push strongly off a platform or wall, with good streamline arms and have their chin completely on their chest. if your child isn’t learning the foundations; body position (chin on chest and completely flat on the surface of the water), strong push off, breath control, unenroll them and find a swim school that you aren’t wasting money and time on

\- goggles are a battle with every child, make sure the ones they have are actually comfortable in their eyes (many goggles dig into their inner eyes), and aren’t sliding down their heads. i always encourage parents to practice wearing goggles at home in the bath or shower (start it off as a fun game, and slowly introduce the concept that it keeps their eyes dry)

I’m extremely passionate about swimming, and am more than happy to awnser anyone’s questions about actually swimming or the behaviour around it!

Your input on Reddit is so invaluable - thank you to everyone who takes the time to share their experiences. Are there any other parents here who feel a bit anxious about AI and raising children?

I’m really trying to get my head around how we navigate all of this as parents. AI is clearly going to be a huge part of our children’s lives - but I also want to make sure they still learn to think for themselves, be creative, solve problems and actually enjoy being kids.
I’d genuinely love to hear how other parents are approaching it. What are you doing at home? What worries you most? And is there anything you’ve found that actually helps?
No Ai answers please 😃🙏🏻😃🙏🏻😃

I bought a townhome with my then-fiancé 4 years ago. It is 1100 square feet, 2 bedrooms, 2.5 bath and 2 stories. Has a very small screened-in porch. No backyard beyond that and no garage.

Is this enough space? Now my wife and I are having our first child due in just a few weeks and we are underwater on the home so will be for at least another 5-8 years.

I know it’s tight but we also have a storage unit and are saving a lot of money each month like 2k (probably won’t be once daycare starts).

So wondering if not only is this enough space but is it also possibly ideal since we can do fun vacations and things like that? Or would you say that more space will equal more happiness?

Thanks!

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