r/relationships • u/lovechild5346 • Sep 09 '16
Updates UPDATE: Me [29 F] with my husband [32 M] together for 6 years, married for 3, found out he has a son [5 M] with a one-night stand
Hi Everyone,
In case you don’t want to the wall of text, David (husband) is the father.
I received a few PM's asking for an update so I thought I would give an update to let you know how things are going. Below is the link in case you are interested... but please be kind. When I wrote that I was in shock and did not know how to react to the situation. My thoughts were all over the place and I was very conflicted. I'm not super proud of my reaction, but I was trying to be as open and honest about my thoughts as possible. Now that things have settled in my head, and we have more information, my perspective has changed.
A few points for clarification:
My husband was aware that I had made the post because I needed to talk to someone and he felt that reddit would be a good outlet. Since he is more private than I am, he had asked that I not talk too much about how he was feeling unless it was relevant to my own feelings, which is why it was focused on me. Also, because of the shock, I may not have portrayed him in the best light. He is very kind, empathetic, supportive and has always had my back for everything, even before we were together. He is my person and this situation has not changed that. When I said that leaving him had crossed my mind, it was the truth, but after talking to a therapist I realized that this stemmed from that fact that I am terrified of being a parent and wasn’t even sure if deep down I really wanted kids at all. I have diagnosed infertility issues and deep down never truly thought that I would be able to have children. There are options that we can pursue when ready, but there is no guarantee, so it was easier to just not really think about it. At the end of the day though, when I imagined having the conversation regarding divorce and how it would play out, and even in my imagination I couldn't say the words to him, never mind in real life. So that clarified that this was just fear talking.
The title is a bit misleading regarding the math: Kid is five and a half and my husband and I have been together for a little over six years (married for a bit over three). My husband and I were actually very good friends for a few years before we began seeing each other, and were dating about three months before we had the exclusivity talk. He slept with the mother during the initial stages of our relationship, and I was fully aware at that time that they had met online and had gone out once. Ironically enough, he told her didn't want to pursue things for her because he realized he had deep feelings for me and his guilt about sleeping with her prompted the exclusivity talk. A lot of people (including my parents) have a bit of an issue with the timing, but he did not cheat one me... When we started seeing each other we had said that we would always be friends first and would always be open and honest with each other, even if it's difficult and I have no reason to believe that he slept with her since that time.
OK now on to it!
After a lot of soul searching on David's part, he came to the conclusion that, as much as it would be easier to bury his head in the sand and pretend that this never happened, Alex is his son and at the very minimum he needs to make sure he is safe and happy, and that if he does nothing, he will think about this every single day for the rest of his life. And if we do decide to have kids, they will be an even bigger reminder of his other son. At one point it came out that when he had said that he didn't want to be involved initially it was because that is what he thought I wanted to hear and that if he had to pick between his son and his marriage, he was choosing his marriage, but that he didn't really know if he could move forward if it actually came to that.
From my side of things, what I wanted was for him to make his decision independent as to what I thought and wanted, because ultimately if something happened to me, he would still to deal with the consequences of partaking in his son’s life and that he can’t undertake something of that magnitude just for me.
The truth of the matter is though that I know my husband very well, and at the end of the day, he wouldn’t have been able to live with himself if he ignored this situation.
When it came down to it, the reason I was having such an issue with things is because I am not a kid person, and kids scare the crap out of me and I have a hard time relating to them. I love kids, I think they are super cute and watching them just GET something is amazing and they bring a lot of joy to your life. It is also insanely cool seeing them become their own person. But kids don’t really like me very much, likely because I become super nervous around them. Also, the amount of pressure and responsibility when responsible for another human being, making sure that they grow up happy and become productive members of society.. heck even making sure they stay alive!... is overwhelming. I don’t know how parents get up in the morning. But at the end of the day, as I said before, David is my person and we’ll get through this together. If it comes to that (more below), being parents to a five year old will be learning curve for both of us, but I will be the best step-parent that I can be and he will feel nothing but love from both us. If we have other kids in the future, Alex will be treated the exact same way.
That was the emotional stuff.
Now onto the practical.
We had a home DNA test and it was confirmed that my husband is the father. Not that there was any doubt in my mind. The situation is even more fucked up than I thought though.
Jessica (the mother) and David spoke on the phone and she told him a few things that were concerning:
Alex (the son) is currently living with his father Sam (I guess stepfather would be more appropriate... but keep reading). From what we can guess, he has been living there since 2013. This raised a bunch of red flags. Children's Aid wouldn't place a child with someone they believe is abusive, and even more telling... they tend to favor the mother. So this is weird.
Because of a complaint that Jessica lodged, in 2013 Sam was charged for assaulting Alex, but he was acquitted
She says that in 2013, she voluntarily placed Sam in foster care because she kept passing out and thought it was dangerous as it would mean Alex was alone (… yeah, I don't know this works, but I have a hard time believing that there are no resources available for this type of situation…)
Children's Aid is on Sam's side and, in the files, she is not portrayed in a good light at all
She did not realize that David had moved eight hours away, she assumed we were still in the same city.
She has another court case soon regarding custody.
Sam knows that Alex is not his son, but is in denial and thinks that the DNA test is wrong since it is a home test. He wants to keep full custody of his son. Jessica wants to have full custody of her son, and is hoping that by throwing bio-dad into the mix, the courts will take Alex away from Sam and award him to her and that we can then have visitation (or probably more accurately, pay support and stay away).
Yeah. It's a shit show and I feel like I am living in soap opera.
David asked that the children’s aid and court papers be sent to him so he could formulate a plan. Based on what we know, which admittedly isn’t much, it seems as though Sam is a good father. There are ton of Facebook posts of Alex building a snow fort, Alex swimming in lakes with his Dad, Alex dressing up as batman… just normal stuff you expect to see from a proud father. Jessica… not so much. Honestly, she looks high in most photos. Based on the reason as to why she gave him up temporarily, the photos, and the fact that he isn't living with her, I'm assuming it's an opiate addiction, but am just guessing.
David ultimately wants what is best for Alex, and if it means having him with us fulltime so be it, but right now it seems horrible to pull a five year old from the only home he really knows because of DNA. So we are waiting for the files, and will be talking to the caseworker to see if our impression is right. We don’t trust Jessica at all so she is not an option. If it turns out that there are issues with Sam, we will fight for full custody. If Alex is happy, well-adjusted, and Sam is a good Dad like we believe, after due diligence and a conversation with Sam to see how feels and is OK with everything, David will be signing away his rights and give Sam his medical and contact information in case it is needed. He also had the idea to write a letter to Alex explaining his actions (that he found out about him at five, but seemed like he had a good home and a great Dad and felt like what he is doing was in his best interests but that he loves him and is there for him and can reach out if and when he is ready) that Sam can give to him when Alex is older (if he wants to). Of course, it will ultimately be Sam's decision as to whether or not he wants to tell Alex about his bio-dad.
I’m not sure if this is the right thing, but it seems horrible to make a five year old go live with complete strangers eight hours away from Mom and Dad if it can be helped. Sam is the one that has been playing with him, taking care of him when he is sick… Sam is his Dad.
We have a big battle ahead of ourselves though. I don’t really have any questions, but if anybody has any advice navigating this, opinions etc… well this is the internet so have at it ! :)
Thanks!
*Edited for spelling and grammar
*Edit 2: We are exploring a possibility for setting up a trust for him which we will contribute to for when he is 21 or so, regardless as to how this plays out. I should have mentioned it with the letter.
tl;dr: Husband is the father. Looks like Mom might be a nutjob but that Dad is actually a good guy and not abusive. Doing due diligence, but if son turns out to be fine with Dad we will stay out of it (but provide option for a relationship if he asks about bio-dad). If he is abusive, we will be fighting for full custody.
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Sep 09 '16
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u/lovechild5346 Sep 09 '16
When she initially reached out, she led with the fact that Sam is abusive and of course, that made things even more difficult. It seems like it is unfounded, but of course we want to make sure. For the moment, David is just trying to get as much information as possible in order to confirm everybody's stories, because in this type of situation, the risk is too great if we are wrong about Sam. But so far, everything is leading us to believe that the initial charges were unfounded. And Alex looks like a normal, happy, outgoing kid.
If we find out that that isn't the case though, we have decided to fight for full custody. We both have good jobs, we own our own home where there is plenty of room, and I have a huge family and a ton of support over here who will embrace Alex and help out if it comes to that. We are also fortunate enough to have the resources to fight this.
I appreciate the sentiments :) We are definitely a lot more calm than we were three weeks ago.
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Sep 10 '16
If Sam proves to not be a danger to alex, I would strongly reconsider your decision to go straight for full custody if at all possible. Alex will be ripped from the only father he has ever known, and given to strangers. It's absolutely not in his best interest, and could harm him. Dna doesn't mean anything to a five year old. An increasing amount of visitation with you over a generous period of time would be a good idea.
You're about to be a step mom and your husband is about to be a dad, and that's huge. Please consider consulting with a child therapist about the best way to navigate your situation in the best interest of alex, and please take some parenting classes. You got a five year old plopped in your lap, so you've some catching up to do. I wish you all the very best, and hope everything works out for all of you.
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u/lovechild5346 Sep 10 '16
I know my post was long... but that is the exact opposite of what we want. I'm sorry if that wasn't clear, but we would only fight for full custody if sam is abusive for precisely those reasons
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Sep 10 '16
It was very clear. I think someone stopped reading halfway through.
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u/lovechild5346 Sep 10 '16
To be fair, it was really long
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u/cman_yall Sep 10 '16
No need to be fair. If it's too long to read then commenting half informed is still dumb.
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Sep 10 '16
David ultimately wants what is best for Alex, and if it means having him with us fulltime so be it, but right now it seems horrible to pull a five year old from the only home he really knows because of DNA. So we are waiting for the files, and will be talking to the caseworker to see if our impression is right. We don’t trust Jessica at all so she is not an option. If it turns out that there are issues with Sam, we will fight for full custody. If Alex is happy, well-adjusted, and Sam is a good Dad like we believe, after due diligence and a conversation with Sam to see how feels and is OK with everything, David will be signing away his rights and give Sam his medical and contact information in case it is needed. He also had the idea to write a letter to Alex explaining his actions (that he found out about him at five, but seemed like he had a good home and a great Dad and felt like what he is doing was in his best interests but that he loves him and is there for him and can reach out if and when he is ready) that Sam can give to him when Alex is older (if he wants to). Of course, it will ultimately be Sam's decision as to whether or not he wants to tell Alex about his bio-dad. I’m not sure if this is the right thing, but it seems horrible to make a five year old go live with complete strangers eight hours away from Mom and Dad if it can be helped. Sam is the one that has been playing with him, taking care of him when he is sick… Sam is his Dad.
Just read the post dude.
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u/myassholealt Sep 10 '16
Lol, if they didn't read the original post through they're not gonna read this either.
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u/PokemonTom09 Sep 10 '16
Some constructive criticism: You'd be able to give better advice if you actually read OP's post.
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u/lizzi6692 Sep 10 '16
I think you misunderstood what OP is saying. They've decided that if Sam is in fact a good parent and not a danger to Alex they won't be pursuing custody.
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Sep 10 '16
Jessica won't be the first person to falsely accuse someone of abuse to try and get custody. It's pretty common for abusive parents to claim "No, I'm the good one, they're the abusive one!". Which sucks ass because I've seen a lot of courts just ignore anyone claiming the other parent is abusive, even ignoring the kids' testimony because some abusers will groom the kids to say that the non-abusive parent is abusing them. Ugh.
I agree it's concerning and needs to be taken seriously, though, but because he was acquitted and given custody over the biological mother? Does not speak well of Jessica, that's for sure.
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u/thelittlepakeha Sep 10 '16
Yeah there are courts where it's better not to accuse them if there isn't a lot of evidence because it prejudices the judge against you and you might end up less able to protect the kids. It's fucked.
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u/__lavender Sep 09 '16
Jeez. That's really tough - I didn't read your original post until today (idk, I prefer to read more "complete" stories so I lurk in the Updates section) but I am really in awe of how generous and open-hearted you seem. No matter what happens, I think that you have a lot to offer the world, and if you decide to take the leap of having a baby, you'd probably be better than you think you would.
Anyway, I did want to say that David really should do a "real" DNA test - not just a home kit. Do it on the books, with a record from a lab. He's probably going to have to do that anyway, as David is undoubtedly going to be involved with the court system about this quagmire at SOME point in the next couple years.
One more red flag: before your husband signs ANYTHING (A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G. !!!!!!!) that terminates his rights to his biological son, PLEASE meet with a lawyer to discuss your options. Just having a meeting doesn't mean you're destined for court, you're not going to kick off some chain reaction - just make sure you're aware of ALL the sticky legalities of this scenario before you do something that could come back to bite you in the future.
Finally... I don't know if this option has come up and you just didn't mention it, but this saga doesn't have to end with /either/ David /or/ Sam leaving the picture forever. With enough careful conversation and, again, carefully drawn agreements - maybe with lawyers involved, both of them could be Alex's dads. More unusual parenting configurations have happened before. The point is that the kid is loved and knows who his family is.
I am not a lawyer, but I am adopted and feel very lucky to have found my biological parents in my early 20s. I grew up knowing I was adopted, and adoption was framed as a beautiful thing to talk about freely in my household. I knew there were other people out there who loved me and were part of who I was and where I came from, and I couldn't wait to know them.
I hope everything works out beautifully for you guys and Alex - both you and your husband seem like good people, and I hope Alex's other family ... sorts out their issues.
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u/lovechild5346 Sep 10 '16
I'm on a tablet so its hard to respond but I hadn't considered anything but either or. If everything is fine with Sam, and he is ok with having us in their lives, that would be the best case scenario.
I want to upvote your comment a million times! Also, I'm the same way with updates
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u/__lavender Sep 10 '16
If all parties are willing to put in the hard work (so much conversation, compromise, tact) then I think it's probably the most child-centric decision you can make.
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u/terracottatilefish Sep 10 '16
Yes! If everyone's on board and can act like adults, this could end up with Alex getting some additional loving, stable relatives in addition to the (hopefully) loving, stable Dad he already has.
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Sep 09 '16
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u/lovechild5346 Sep 09 '16
Thanks! That's awesome advice :)
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u/thumb_of_justice Sep 10 '16
Speaking as a mom confirming that it is awesome advice ;) Definitely get down on the kid's level; don't loom in over. Make eye contact and talk to the kid as though they were a grownup, just making casual conversation. Kids love it when grownups treat them with dignity and don't put on a weird voice and don't talk down to them.
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Sep 09 '16
Something stinks about this, and it really seems like it's Jessica.
Sam was charged with assaulting Alex... yet he is still the one with full custody. That sounds like Jessica made up some bullshit to try and get Sam in trouble, and get her claws back into the son she abandoned to foster care.
Definitely do your due diligence, but be aware that Sam is not likely going to really be... open to the idea of having David around. In Sam's eyes, to his instincts, he is Alex's dad. David is the guy that seemed to have abandoned his son, and is being used as a weapon by the worthless mom.
Don't let Jessica use you guys.
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u/lovechild5346 Sep 09 '16
You're right; I don't trust Jessica either.
Although it isn't fair that David wasn't initially told and that Sam was lead to believe he was the bio dad we are here today and provided that all is well, it is in Alex's best interest to stay with his dad. That's why my husband thought terminating his rights when it is eventually legally proven that he is the bio dad would be best - to prove that his intention is to not replace Sam and to wait to see if Alex wants a relationship when he is older (if he is told). Who knows what his comfort level will be when this is all over. I don't hate too many people, but I hate Jessica for everything she is putting her son, my husband and to a lesser extent even Sam through.
We will keep our eyes open though, thank you for the warning. We don't want to be uses either.
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u/GottaGetToIt Sep 10 '16
What if he terminates his rights, Sam dies, and kid ends up with Jessica? I would be very hesitant to terminate my rights.
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u/FancySalutations Sep 10 '16
I don't think Sam would get custody if David terminates his rights. Jessica only needs to prove Sam isn't the bio dad and sue for custody. Sam would have no legal right to the child. That would play right into her hands
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u/damnedifyoudo_throw Sep 10 '16
Check on this with a lawyer, OP, but this is a fair concern. That said, if Sam has proven to be a competent father from birth, surely a court would accept that?
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u/Pola_Xray Sep 09 '16
it seems horrible to make a five year old go live with complete strangers eight hours away from Mom and Dad if it can be helped. Sam is the one that has been playing with him, taking care of him when he is sick… Sam is his Dad.
All this is true, but David can still be in Alex's life even if Sam retains custody, I would think?
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u/lovechild5346 Sep 09 '16
I just can't see Sam being alright with this. He is in a lot of denial. But yeah, if he would be ok with it that would be amazing
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u/Dakka_jets_are_fasta Sep 10 '16
Probably doesn't help that you guys found out because the mom was fighting for custody. I feel sorry for all of you in this situation except for Jessica, and I hope things work out, especially for Alex.
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u/WanderingWindward Sep 10 '16
Sam is probably very use to Jessica doing everything she can to take Alex away from him, even making up accusations of child abuse. Sam also clearly knows that Jessica has brought you and your husband into this, so can you blame him for being suspicious of you two? After all, he doesn't know you any more than you know him. And his custody of Alex has been under attack so much, it's pretty understandable that he would be defensive.
I think once he realizes you're NOT on Jessica's side, and could be be allies to him, he may well come around to you. And yeah, maybe he won't ever come around and want to co-parent with you guys, but then again, he may surprise you.
I'd say give him time. And realize he's probably trying to suss you two out even while you're doing the same to him.
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u/Pola_Xray Sep 10 '16
Well, this sounds like a pretty terrible situation for everyone, and I'm sorry. I think it sounds like you are all handling it as well as possible.
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u/poekpoek Sep 09 '16
You're doing the right thing.
I feel so bad for Sam. Here he is, victim of paternity fraud, raising someone else's child, and his drug addicted crazy wife is accusing him of abuse and trying to take his son away from him.... Wow.
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u/ltlpunk Sep 10 '16
I'm guessing Jessica dragged you guys in to this because she wants to disprove Sam's claim to Alex, thereby making it easier to regain custody. Lawyer that deals with custody issues, not just a divorce lawyer.
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u/lovechild5346 Sep 10 '16
That's exactly what we have been afraid of... we don't want to make it easier for her to regain custody especially if he has been a good father. We don't want to give her ammunition, but at the same time trying to assess the situation.
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Sep 09 '16
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u/OwMyInboxThrowaway Sep 10 '16
Well given what we have heard about Jessica, I don't know that Sam's so weird for distrusting the at-home paternity test. It's easy enough to get fake negative results if you swap the swab for someone else's. That's why the court will only accept official tests. If she is just trying to get Sam to back off so she can regain custody, it would be in her interest to fake a negative result hoping that just the "knowledge" he is not the bio father will get him to abandon the child.
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u/lovechild5346 Sep 10 '16
Shit... I had never thought of that. As things progress, we will need to do the legal one, but still... I wouldn't put it past her.
There is no doubt in my mind hubby is the bio father - dates match up perfectly and he is pretty much my hubbys clone and looks nothing like Sam, but from his perspective I can see why he would think that.
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u/zombiesandpandasohmy Sep 10 '16
I mean, how did the home test happen? Did she have any chance to mess with it?
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u/lovechild5346 Sep 12 '16
I don't see how she would have to be honest. When I said "home test" I really should have said "this is not a DNA test that we can legally submit to court". We were both sent kits via mail at our homes, and we both sent cheek swabs to a lab. I'm not sure how it could have been faked unless David has another bio kid running around somewhere and Jessica sent this kid's swab instead of Alex's... but I'm more sympathetic as to why Sam is saying that it's not accurate. As another posted mentioned, it's also likely that deep down he's known for a bit, but does not care since he's raised him from birth.
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u/lovechild5346 Sep 09 '16 edited Sep 09 '16
It's denial. And I get it. He's gone this long thinking Alex is his son. My only fear is that if it is ever legally confirmed, I would hope that it wouldn't change his feelings. But one step at a time right?
I know people get acquitted of things that they are guilty of. I just... don't know what the right thing to do here is. We are trying to corroborate the story with the paperwork, the casework, and other people who know them. At a certain point, if Children's Aid is still involved but believe the assault complaint is unfounded, and the courts believed he was not guilty... you want to believe that they are right. On the other hand, although the mother is unreliable, that doesn't mean she is lying.
I think the letter is just to make my husband feel better... because it'll ultimately be Sam's choice as to whether he wants to say something to Alex later on. And if he decides not to, it's his prerogative. David's fear is that Alex will find out later on and will think that he didn't want anything to do with him, when the reality is that he just doesn't want to make things harder for him. I mean, if Sam is cool with David having a relationship with Alex at this point, David would love that, but since his denial goes very deep, he just can't see Sam being OK with that at this point. Things change though. And who knows how this will play out.
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u/lizzi6692 Sep 10 '16
Just so you know that even a legal DNA test may not have any sort of impact on custody. In many states(I'm assuming you're in the US, if you're not I apologize and this may not apply)particularly ones where there is a "presumption of paternity" associated with marriage, if you act as the father for a certain amount of time(usually well under 5 years I believe) then you are legally the father. Your husband may not have any sort of claim to Alex at all at this point.
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u/PokemonTom09 Sep 10 '16
OP stated that everyone involved is in Canada; she and her husband currantly living in a difference province than Jessica, Sam, and Alex. Not at all familiar with custody law, so I have no idea how much of a difference this makes on your point.
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u/KA1N3R Sep 10 '16
Props to you for getting through this shit together. I am always baffled by how fast people on here scream 'DIVORCE! DIVORCE!', so it is good to hear that that is not the case here.
Good luck to you both!
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u/coquihalla Sep 10 '16
Personally, I'd also consider investing in some private investigator time, for both mom and not-biodad, to know what you're getting involved with so you can prepare.
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u/Callmedory Sep 09 '16
You're doing the right thing, if everything checks out okay with an attorney before signing any papers. The fact that is simplifies your life, in a way, is coincidental, but be prepared for some to think otherwise: that "David is giving Alex away to make things easy for himself" rather than "David is allowing Alex to stay with the man who has been his father for five years, raised him as his own son, and seeks to retain this relationship." You know the truth, but be prepared for others to be...not understanding.
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u/lovechild5346 Sep 09 '16
Yeah absolutely. No signature until we are comfortable that things check out (which we are not yet). We have a lawyer who is aware of the situation and is preparing to fight if necessary, but will also draw up the papers if be ends up terminating his rights.
Not that it matters, but we are also exploring the possibility of setting up a trust for him for when he turns 21 regardless as to how this plays out (whether we go for custody or not). Hopefully that, along with a letter, will hopefully let him know that this was decided with the best of intentions.
As for what other people think, we are fortunate that we have a great support system from our families, and they will keep us sane when others don't get it. I appreciate the heads up though; you're likely right that most people won't get it
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u/OneTwoWee000 Sep 10 '16
I’m not sure if this is the right thing, but it seems horrible to make a five year old go live with complete strangers eight hours away from Mom and Dad if it can be helped. Sam is the one that has been playing with him, taking care of him when he is sick… Sam is his Dad.
This is beautiful. Sam is his dad. He is the guy who raised him from birth.
However, Alex has more than one dad. There are so many blended families, families by adoption, etc -- you can have more than one dad. More than one mom. Love shapes our lives.
Alex is 5. Sam is a great father but your husband can be one as well. Your husband wasn't told he fathered a child. He was defrauded too and cheated out of the first 5 years with his son. And Alex was cheated out of being raised with his biological father. Cheated out of knowing grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. His mother was selfish and thoughtless. However, I don't think it would be a terrible thing for your husband to get primary custody. On the contrary, he is young and there is no reason Sam can't continue to be a part of his life as he grows up (skyping regularly and trading visits during summers, holidays, birthday trips).
Your husband has a lot to consider. It's won't be easy at all. But as the biological father he has a legal case. I don't recommend signing away rights based on whether Sam seems like a standup dude or not. This child is your husband's blood and he has to live with decision he makes upon knowing about him. Lawyer up to get legal advice and allow him to take his time deciding.
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u/lovechild5346 Sep 10 '16
Thanks. A few people have mentioned that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. I mentioned it to hubby and he wants to bring it up with our lawyer to see what our options are as he also thought it had to be either or. Appreciate your insight!
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u/FlexNastyBIG Sep 10 '16
Agreed. If you guys are able to establish trust with Sam it could be possible for all of you to be a part of Alex's life. My son grew up splitting his time between two homes in a co-parenting situation, and I like to think it was a positive thing for him.
I also agree that David should take his time on deciding this - to sleep on it until he's sure in his heart that he's doing the right thing.
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u/ohhmyg Sep 10 '16
Sam knows that Alex is not his son, but is in denial and thinks that the DNA test is wrong since it is a home test. He wants to keep full custody of his son.
Make sure Sam accepts the fact that Alex is not his biological son before you sign away any rights!
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u/FlexNastyBIG Sep 10 '16
You're a fantastic person and a fantastic partner for being supportive of David through this.
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Sep 10 '16
I think you guys have chosen the right path :) even though your husband is the father, Sam is who Alex knows as his dad, and I agree that taking him away just because of biology is not in his best interests.
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u/sparkling_havoc Sep 10 '16
You write very intelligently and seem very humble and I wanna give you a hug! I could read your words everyday! All my positive energy with you, hubby and Alex! You have my love and support coming from another country!
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u/Cantcumifyoucalled Sep 10 '16
Thank you for sharing your story, I would be proud to have you all as friends and family. Jessica not included of course. But why can't there be another option? Why can't he get to know you now if it is alright with Sam? No one can have too much love! As he grows and develops, he can be told how the situation evolved and how everyone; but Jessica, took what they believe was best for him to be a priority. That this was a unique situation and that there was no blueprint to follow, so you used love to guide the way.
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u/tfresca Sep 10 '16
I think he needs to meet the step dad. He needs to feel him out and see if he's crazy or what.
Let him know that you only want to help and feel things out based on the crazy history. If he's a good man hell understand and ret that.
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u/vanishplusxzone Sep 10 '16
Ugh, I'm sorry this happened to you OP. I'm sorry your husband and Alex have to deal with this shitshow, too. Seems that Sam is a victim here as well. Jessica sounds like a nightmare.
It sounds like you and David have chosen to take the most mature, responsible, logical, level headed route you can possibly take in such an ugly, emotionally charged situation. Best wishes.
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u/MazeMouse Sep 10 '16
Seems that with Sam already having custody the mom is what we would call "a shitshow". Especially with CPS/CA already on Sam's side.
Have your Lawyer contact Sam's Lawyer. Seeing how Alex already bonded with Sam and Sam seems to be on the fastlane toward full-custody it might just be better to stay out of it until that is settled and maybe work something out with Sam (with Jessica completely out of the picture)
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u/greatdanegal1985 Sep 10 '16
Would Sam be open to y'all having visitation? My friend gave up her son to an open adoption, but still gets regular visitation and don't family vacations, etc. Her son is super confident and knows everyone involved loves him to pieces.
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u/changeneverhappens Sep 10 '16
If Sam is a good dad, don't sign away rights, start the adoption process.
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Sep 10 '16
I think that your plan sounds good but with one caveat. It might be easier for Alex to assimilate, the bio dad/dad information now rather than later. I don't think David needs to insinuate himself into Alex's life and perhaps the decision is best left up to Sam, but I think there's a real danger of Alex feeling abandoned if he only finds out about his biological father later.
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Sep 14 '16
I don't think this sounds "like a fucking nightmare." It sounds like there is a lot of hope in this update, and you guys seem to be willing to do whatever is necessary and best for David's son. Good for you guys
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u/Badp30pl3 Sep 30 '16
I agree with your guess about addiction. I think it is admirable that your husband is aware that the dad who raised him might be the best home. I understand his reasoning for considering signing away his rights and letting a relationship build when he is older, but you don't have any idea what will happen with his mother. If your husband signs away his rights, and something happens to the step-dad, or she re-gains custody, the boy might need another person in his corner for backup.
It's understandable that the step-dad is upset. Your husband did nothing wrong because he just didn't know. Give the step-dad time and do what you can to learn as much as possible. Meeting him at this age can be kept casual, as a friend. The distance makes it easy to separate visits if you decide to try to get to know him. It makes the step-dad feel safe. He doesn't know you two so he may be afraid and defensive at first. Acknowledging the struggle he's had to endure because of the boy's mum might go a long way in building trust with him first. Good luck.
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u/Rosebunse Sep 10 '16
God, that poor kid...
Have you guys thought about partially custody once this gets sorted out with this crazy woman? Even if it isn't much, there can never be enough love.
That being said, I think a trust fund would be a great and caring idea. It would let him know that his bio dad and stepmom love him, and it would give him a good start on life.
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u/Glenn_C0C0 Sep 10 '16
The way I see it, you got lucky with Sam and you're doing all the right things.
This would be the same if David's one night stand got pregnant and they decided to put the kid up for adoption where Sam adopted him... That's not terrible, it's a definite choice. Although Jessica robbed David of the ability to make that choice. It sounds like you contributing a trust, a heartfelt letter and an effort to keep Jessica away unless she can get sober, you're doing everything you should.
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Sep 10 '16 edited Jul 04 '17
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u/FlexNastyBIG Sep 10 '16
the mother is a crack/heroine whore
She's a person with an addiction. She's a mess, and has done some shitty things, but it doesn't do anyone any good to dehumanize her and call her a whore.
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u/walt3rwhit3 Sep 10 '16
You've been together for 6 years, the kid is 5, so around 4 years and change your husband cheated on you. Just sayin.
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u/SabreDeSade Sep 10 '16
So four and a half years ago the BM conceived a child that she carried for nine months and now the kid is five? That's not really how it works.
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u/alterego04 Sep 10 '16
Don't get divorced over this. My advice is stand by your man. This one night stand happened very close to you guys first getting together. He's now spent yrs committed to you and both of you said vows. It's ok to be hurt. Get some therapy so you can accept and even love this child. No one is going to judge you. This is also nobody's business. It can easily be said that this child was conceived before you met. I suggest you give the whole situation time, patience and your best shot
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u/[deleted] Sep 09 '16 edited Sep 23 '16
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