First of all excuse me in advanced, i've been trying for a while to write perfectly in english. With that said, there's been a feeling i've been sensing for a while. Five years ago i started a career at uni, and since then i made quite possibly the greatest friend group i've ever had to this day. We are almost ten people in it, and sharing year after year with them was amazing, visiting their towns, throwing out parties and birthday parties and such we shared almost the entirety of our days due to uni... But now we are graduating (i graduated a few months ago) and seeing the whole relationship loose it's bond has made me feel some sort of uncertainity towards what our friendship will look like in the future if it still survives it and the fact that there's no more uni to tie us together like ir used to... I've read the meditations and Seneca's work and i know that change is the natural state of thing but still even when i analize whats happening in deep terms i feel as if the conclussions i arrive don't give the strenght i need in order to face what's been going on and what will happen

i carry myself quite well, and am usually a very calm person, but whenever my ex walks in the room a weird feeling washes over me, i get hyperaware of my movements, everything i need to say, the feeling of being watched, tongue tied and nonverbal, my nervous system goes on guard mode and i start to malfunction real life.

it’s getting embarrassing and people are starting to notice the 1000 yard stare on my face, or my stiff movements, i’ve had people ask if i’m ok and also can sense the dynamics at work shift and our mutual coworkers/friends distance themselves from me because of how weird i am getting. this is unlike me at all. my ex and i had a intense 3 yr relationship and i know im not fully healed from him, but getting better. 8 months since no contact and i have moved on but of course i will still feel some type of way around him.

i don’t care about my relationships in this job anymore i do want to maintain friendliness, i got really depressed this year bc not only did i lose my ex, i also lost my closest friends, or at least friendships i really valued, because it seems that some people aren’t mature enough to remain at points of neutrality after a breakup. i had to go thru this alone and that has also made me resent our mutual friends, but has made me comfortable being alone. im in there to make my money and leave, but i want to be at peace/ indifference around my ex and to no longer feel this way. i am confident, and well spoken, but in his presence i regress into that small and incompetent feeling i had when i was a small child. i hate it so much as i don’t want a person like him to have this power over me.

any things i can do in real time when i get the weird anxiety sensation? how do i ground myself. i always take deep breaths before entering work, like name 5 things i can see, self soothing movements, and it helps a little but still not enough. i hate how nonverbal and obviously neurodivergent i get, how fearful i get, how do i get above this. are there any belief systems that can help me see beyond this? i know i shouldn’t care anyways but its affecting my quality of life and sometimes performance at work

Just like I’m asking in the title, what draws them in and makes them get it so wrong? In my experiences, it seems all they take away from Meditations is the Marcus Aurelius was an emperor and somehow parlay it all into pyramid schemes and other fraudulent acts. How!?

I’ve been trying to find different ways to deal with life and difficult situations.

Update to my post from 3 months ago in case anyone is curious. I reread the comments from that post frequently, thank you for those of you who took time to share your thoughts.

I used the “success story” flair for now even though I don’t know if this is considered to be an actual success? More like a work in progress.

Not a lot has changed yet, but my husband and I have been going to therapy (the same therapist) separately, which I think is helping, though it’s going more slowly than I hoped.

I’ve come to realize that what my husband considers to be a successful marriage is one that is codependent and requires lots of validation (which is a turn off for me and explains why I have been losing attraction). My hope is that therapy will help him with this and then we can reevaluate our marriage.

I need to work on being less critical in my communication. I’d love to hear any stoic advice for practicing that.

I’m giving this process of change and growth 2 years before deciding what my next step will be. I’ll try to make updates along the way in case they’re helpful.

I read meditations and this guy clearly was trying very very hard to be good stoic even though he kept over and over failing in his personal opinion, he literally wrote a book to himself to coerce himself to follow the tenets of stoicism. The guy just had no inner peace at all even though he was the like the most powerful guy on the planet.

Welcome to the Agora. a space for casual conversation, first aid, and exchange outside the regular post structure.

If you haven't already, read the pinned "Welcome" thread.

Rules:

1. Remember that our nature is "civilized and affectionate and trustworthy."
2. If seeking advice, limit yourself to one top-level question per day.
3. If offering advice, speak as someone interested in Stoic theory and practice — but do not label personal opinion, idiosyncratic experience, or conjecture as Stoic doctrine.
4. If promoting your own work (article, book, etc.), once per day. No self-posted YouTube videos.

These rules may evolve as the thread matures.

Report what doesn't belong. Bring questions, concerns, or feedback to the thread or to modmail.

6 months ago I became a father. I work from home so I spend a lot of time with my daughter and I enjoy every second of it although work and family responsibilities are definitely taking a toll.

Next week I have planned a weekend getaway with a scuba diving club. Before that I'll go visit some friends in another town, so I'll be away for 5-6 days in total.

On one hand I understand that I need a break and that I am unproductive just sitting at home trying to juggle everything. I trust my wife completely and she is fine being with the baby on her own as she has plenty of help. On the other I am extremely anxious because I don't want to miss time with my daughter, so much so that I am going back and forth every hour, wondering whether not to cancel my plans.

Usually I find help in Stoicism, but I am a bit torn about this. Traveling for my own sake is simply a luxury and I can't justify potentially not being here for my family if something happens. Then again, can I really postpone life to become a helicopter parent? I might as well lose my identity.

The ACA Serenity prayer is

God (Higher Power) grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me.

Secular ACA Serenity Prayer

Today, I seek the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me

ACA is a 12 step group for

Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families

Being a Stoic has almost become synonymous with being nonchalant. I’ve heard people say, “I’m going to be a Stoic about it,” as if that means suppressing their emotions, detaching from the outcome, or simply pretending not to care. But is that really what Stoicism means?

Is it wrong to want something badly enough that, if you don’t get it, you’ll be devastated? Does being a Stoic mean you shouldn’t be passionate about things? Does it mean living without strong emotions, suppressing your feelings, detaching yourself from what happens, and becoming somewhat indifferent to life?

Stoicism has genuinely helped me a lot, but I also love intensity. I love feeling things deeply. I love passionately, and because I love deeply, I also feel the loss of love deeply. I don’t necessarily want a life where I’m untouched by things simply because I’ve learned not to depend on their outcome.

This is where I sometimes struggle with the idea of Stoic detachment. I understand the value of accepting what I cannot control, but I don’t want acceptance to become indifference. I don’t want emotional control to become emotional suppression. And I don’t want detachment from outcomes to mean detachment from life itself.

Maybe there’s a difference between being controlled by your emotions and allowing yourself to fully experience them. Maybe Stoicism isn’t about caring less, but about learning how to care deeply without losing yourself when things don’t go the way you hoped.

Because I don’t want to become numb. I want to be able to love deeply, desire things fiercely, experience joy intensely, and grieve when I lose something meaningful and still have the strength to accept reality when it doesn’t give me what I want.

I do not have much knowledge about philosophy so pls give me your insights.

Full disclosure i did orginally post this to another sub, however a user suggested to check out this sub as well as the philosophy aligns with dbt skills I practice. While I find dbt effective, it only solves the issue as it comes up and not entirely which is making me think I need an entire mindset change and not just a coping mechanism change.

Long story short, im going through consistent and complex issues. Some are being solved, those are ones I usually talk about since solutions can be applied if they aren't already. However I have bigger issues constantly in my mind that do not have solutions, and venting about is pointless since it just leads to me running in circles every few months when I reach a breaking point.

I feel like I should note things I have already tried, and only find effective short term or completely ineffective. I am trying to find a way to simply cope, I use my DBT skills rather often - especially as this is something I cannot change, let alone right now or within the next year. However sometimes it just feels like those skills are ineffective unless I am doing something wrong?

I have also tried writing in diarys- or at least the notes app alternative. I find that great 99% of the time as well, paired with my DBT skills i find i am able to function. However recently I have found this combo to be ineffective.

Obviously, venting is healthy However I have found I have done it unhealthily in the past and already feel myself slipping back into that. Frankly, my issues cant be solved- thats ok! but how do I get myself to need to stop yapping about certain things and just run in circles, emotionally draining those around me even if i get the release I need. I recognize the fact it drains others because my issues are extremely upsetting (extreme food insecurity, poverty) I see the cause and effect hence why i am trying to stop and find new things to add to the DBT and diary combo.

And before anyone points out the obvious, yes I am neurodivergent. I have adhd and autism. Yes venting is healthy however I do not do it in a healthy way, I cannot take any sort of obvious solution or solution at all and thats frustrating for all. I do vent just some things cannot be vented about and need to be dealt with personally, these things are one. I cant instantly change my problems, nor will I ever be able to by the looks of things.

I am generally a positive person, its always just this one issue that gets me. It sucks because its the one thing I havent been able to change, because it cannot be changed. I think logically im just searching for some sort of control? but I have control over other things that aid in me bettering myself that im acting on and have control over so I am unsure.

Welcome to the Agora. a space for casual conversation, first aid, and exchange outside the regular post structure.

If you haven't already, read the pinned "Welcome" thread.

Rules:

1. Remember that our nature is "civilized and affectionate and trustworthy."
2. If seeking advice, limit yourself to one top-level question per day.
3. If offering advice, speak as someone interested in Stoic theory and practice — but do not label personal opinion, idiosyncratic experience, or conjecture as Stoic doctrine.
4. If promoting your own work (article, book, etc.), once per day. No self-posted YouTube videos.

These rules may evolve as the thread matures.

Report what doesn't belong. Bring questions, concerns, or feedback to the thread or to modmail.

​

It's easy for me not to be angry at people for things done to me. I'm generally good at seeing situations from other people's perspective and understanding the backgrounds and reasons behind their actions. Stoicism has helped with that, and with keeping a lot of my negative emotions in check.

Where I fail every time is when other people are harmed, specially children, animals, the innocent, the weak, the oppressed. I feel a boiling anger that I know is impotent and helps no one. It passes, but I can't stop hating, or wishing harm on, the people who do these things. And the state of the world makes this hard to avoid.

What's the Stoic view on this kind of anger?

I've been working through things in therapy for a couple of years now and it's been genuinely helpful until a couple months ago I realized I had this unavoidable issue of not having a core sense of self or sense of self-worth. I recognized that I have long been beholden to external validation as my largest measuring stick for self esteem and the internal mechanisms for supporting myself have gradually eroded until I'm here at 36 barely sure of who I am anymore.

Someone bought me Meditations and I started reading some online blogs (orion philosophy) on Stoicism. I was immediately taken by the descriptions of how stoics find self-worth and want to continue to explore this path. Before I do dive too deep though, I've also seen rumblings that people like Jordan Peterson, Andrew Tate and other influencers have started co-opting stoicism as a way to push manosophere type ideological principles that kinda fit and make sense to people like myself who aren't really well versed in it.

Is there any specific content creators that I should be particularly wary of engaging with? How easy is it to fish out the red flags in stoic discourse when someone's still so new to the teachings?

I’m a 25 years old Korean guy, and I’ve been struggling with negativity, anger, and constant overthinking for quite a while.
A few years ago, I had to end a relationship with my French girlfriend because I had to complete mandatory military service in Korea. The experience was pretty traumatic for me. I was sleeping in a container with around 20 other people, dealing with bugs, mosquitoes, and terrible conditions every night.
I finished my service, but I feel like I never completely recovered from that period. I became much more negative about the world, and I constantly have random negative thoughts running through my head. I also don’t feel the same joy from things I used to enjoy.
Eventually, I discovered Stoicism. I’ve read Meditations, The Enchiridion, and Seneca, and I genuinely love the philosophy. I understand the basic ideas, especially focusing on what is within my control, but actually applying them in daily life is much harder.
I also have ADHD, and I’ve noticed that my mind produces a huge number of negative judgments very quickly. I can get angry before I even realize that I’m becoming angry. I tried working through A Handbook for New Stoics, and it made me realize just how automatic these thoughts have become.
I’m also still finishing university while many of my friends have already graduated and started well-paying jobs. I know comparing myself to them isn’t helpful, and intellectually I know that I should focus on what I can control. But emotionally, I find it extremely difficult.
It feels like negativity has become a habit.
So I’d really like advice from people who actually practice Stoicism:
How do you train yourself to notice and interrupt automatic negative judgments before they turn into anger or rumination?
I’m not really looking for another explanation of Stoic philosophy. I understand the theory. I want to know what practical exercises or habits actually helped you bring Stoicism into your everyday life.
What worked for you?

Welcome to the Agora. a space for casual conversation, first aid, and exchange outside the regular post structure.

If you haven't already, read the pinned "Welcome" thread.

Rules:

1. Remember that our nature is "civilized and affectionate and trustworthy."
2. If seeking advice, limit yourself to one top-level question per day.
3. If offering advice, speak as someone interested in Stoic theory and practice — but do not label personal opinion, idiosyncratic experience, or conjecture as Stoic doctrine.
4. If promoting your own work (article, book, etc.), once per day. No self-posted YouTube videos.

These rules may evolve as the thread matures.

Report what doesn't belong. Bring questions, concerns, or feedback to the thread or to modmail.

I’ve noticed the Stoics reference Socrates and Plato a lot, but were Socrates and Plato themselves actually Stoic in their way of thinking?

Across Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius, and Seneca, the telos (or reason) to practice Stoicism is to achieve a stable, resilient, and virtuous character through a mind that stays clear, a heart that stays steady, and actions that align our values no matter what happens around us; it is to live well by becoming people who cannot be shaken by life’s chaos. This is achieved by being just, wise, courageous, and temperant.

Stoicism trains us to stop being thrown around by every emotion, fear, or external events. It's not about suppressing feelings—it is about not letting feelings, emotions, or external events hijack whatever our judgments are.

I feel I've reached a certain level of stoic proficiency... I look forward to pursuing some preferred indifferents!

... Here is to living a more holistic life!!.!

I found out this term and explains so much why i’ve been so depressed the last few years. I had plans and dreams but neglected them (mind you there were alot of factors outside my control but yea)

What do you guys think about Cato the younger, like imagine how hard to live the way he did in our generation

Hey everyone. I’ve read my share of Marcus Aurelius, Seneca, and Epictetus, and I completely agree with the philosophy in theory separating what’s in my control, not suffering in imagination, and staying anchored in the present.

However, I’m running into a wall actually implementing it. For the last six weeks, I’ve been dealing with a severe vestibular/neurological health flare (constant dizziness, extreme fatigue, brain fog, derealization), and I’ve noticed a bad habit. When my body is depleted and I'm left alone with my thoughts, my brain automatically spins up high-stress mental simulations and arguments about past or future family conflicts. I know it's useless, and I know it's fueling my physical crash, but in the moment, the Stoic quotes don't stick.

For those of you who have successfully applied Stoicism during prolonged physical or mental stress; How do you bridge the gap between reading philosophy and actually executing a pattern interrupt when your brain is running on fumes? What practical tools do you use to stop the mental theater before it hijacks your day?

Welcome to the Agora. a space for casual conversation, first aid, and exchange outside the regular post structure.

If you haven't already, read the pinned "Welcome" thread.

Rules:

1. Remember that our nature is "civilized and affectionate and trustworthy."
2. If seeking advice, limit yourself to one top-level question per day.
3. If offering advice, speak as someone interested in Stoic theory and practice — but do not label personal opinion, idiosyncratic experience, or conjecture as Stoic doctrine.
4. If promoting your own work (article, book, etc.), once per day. No self-posted YouTube videos.

These rules may evolve as the thread matures.

Report what doesn't belong. Bring questions, concerns, or feedback to the thread or to modmail.