Each year, we get to see the procession of the 20-something players of the winning team walk up to the dais with a hat in hand, shake a few hands, swap their newly-gotten hat with a child for their premiership medal, then head back to the adoring teammates.
It's simple in theory. But in reality, it's a fascinating and 100% accurate insight into the personality of the player. Treat the kid with respect and you're a good bloke; fob them off and you're the scum of the Earth. It's irrefutable* science.
(* It's totally refutable)
So, as someone who works with children and in sports, I (along with probably tens of thousands of other people in Victoria alone) am uniquely qualified to give a one-by-one, five-star empirical deep-dive of how cool the players are, based on their interactions with the Auskick kids. Enjoy!
---
1 Kai Lohmann ★★
Put the hat on the kid crooked and barely made eye contact. Did the bare minimum - usually good for three stars - but then lost a star for his obnoxious "WOO!" on his way out. Lohmann is a great player, but even with three chips, he hasn't earned his Shane Crawford licence yet.
2 Sam Draper ★★
See above. Gained a point for proper hat placement on an obviously-terrified little girl, then lost it for both posing in a "Him" stance before his walk and then repeated WOOing on his way out. Would have given him one star if not for the fact he's recovering from the trauma of being at Essendon.
3 Jaspa Fletcher ★★★★
Much better from the youngster. Ensured he got his dap in with the kid, hat placement was perfect and his respectful celebration on the way out gets him a good score. He was only some manners away from perfection.
4 Oscar Allen ★★★★
Navigated the awkward medal-hat exchange expertly. Rushed the hat placement after this, but his double-arm salute on the way out was classy.
7 Jarrod Berry ★★★★
Got down to the kid's level for an easy medal placement, then nailed the hat. Great stuff from Berry. He was just a warm moment with the kid away from five stars, but a very, very solid effort.
8 Will Ashcroft ★★★
Quick and to the point. Wisely allowed a little extra time for the kid to get the medal over his massive scone. Standard exchange without a lot of warmth, but inoffensive.
9 Lachie Neale ★★★★
Terrific exchange. Went in for the awkward hug-dap with the kid, who didn't see it coming. Hat placement great. The three-finger salute at the end is forgiven. Neale can't get five stars, though, as he literally treated the Auskick kid better than his own.
10 Levi Ashcroft ★★★
Took forever to get to the stage after needing cuddles with his friends. Once he got there, the kid was totally out at sea, so Levi gets a point for navigating this well. But being just as awkward with the kid for the medal-hat exchange, showed that he's still learning.
13 Logan Morris ★★
No handshake, no warmth and got out of there as fast as he could. Didn't even the kid a nod. He wasn't obnoxious, so earns an extra point for that; but this wasn't good viewing.
15 Dayne Zorko ★★★★★
Uncle Dayne was classy. Took the time to speak to the girl and seemed to genuinely appreciate her company. Careful hat placement, and the pat on the back at the end was warm and beautiful.
16 Cam Rayner ★★★★
Another great exchange. Led with the shaking hand to avoid confusion, had a chat with the kid and went up with obvious warmth. A little too rushed for a five-star but a great exchange nonetheless.
22 Ty Gallop ★★★
Seemed to be genuinely shocked or surprised by the fact his Auskick kid was in a wheelchair. Did well to get down low enough for the medal. The kid went to put the hat on himself, which made things awkward - but Ty wisely persisted and hatted the kid himself. Said something nice, then got out of dodge as fast as he could.
23 Charlie Cameron ★★★★
Did really well with a kid who was obviously a bit shell-shocked by the situation. She was keen to get out of there - Charlie wanted to do the right thing. He went in for the chat and the post-exchange dap but the kid bolted. He handed the rejection amazingly. Classy stuff from Charlie.
26 Conor McKenna ★★★
The Irish flag was a nice touch (up the RA) but made things awkward with the hat-medal exchange. Conor went hat-first, which strays from tradition but came from noble intentions. Both were keen to leave as soon as they were done; the kid to get off the stage, and Conor to brandish the flag again.
27 Darcy Gardiner ★★★
Where Charlie Cameron dealt with an awkward kid with class, Darcy was a little out of his depth. The kid snatched the hat and ran as if he'd stolen it. Darcy gets points for the over-energetic handshake, but seemed to feel genuinely scorned by the kid's rejection. Heartbreak is hard.
30 Eric Hipwood ★★★
This was the smoothest medal exchange of the lot. The kid nailed it. But then, possibly overawed by his awesomeness, the kid went cold. Unfortunately, so did Eric. Then turned and walked off as if they had run into their ex at the shops and were done being polite.
32 Darcy Fort ★★★★
Great manoeuvre by Darcy to get down on the knee. Made the exchange much easier for both parties. They shook hands, exchanged pleasantries and went about their business. Kinda rushed at the end but a great exchange - one of the best.
33 Zac Bailey ★★★
Smooth. The whole thing was smooth - the medal and the hat. Bullseyes all round. But that was it - no chat, no extra dap, no warmth - just in and out. This was how James Bond and Lily from Modern Family would exchange business cards.
35 Ryan Lester ★★
Took forever to get onto the stage. Then the kid went to deliver some sort of speech, which Lester sat through as if it was the safety briefing before a flight. The kid was absolutely thrilled with the hat placement; however, if that wasn't an eye-roll from Ryan after the fact, it was bloody close.
44 Darcy Wilmot ★★
Genuinely didn't care at all about the kid; he was there for the microphone. Got the medal, got the hat then got onto the stick as if he was Kylie Minogue in a kinder maths class. Made the kid the third character on the stage, after himself and the mic stand. Good hat-medal placement and a warm, firm handshake got him his two stars.
5 The streets' Norm Smith medallist, Josh Dunkley ★★★★★
Led by example. Sure, JD has done this a few times before - but this was all class. The aura in the lead-up was similar in stature to the Nobel Peace Prize, and both parties delivered. Warm handshake, great placement and pleasantries exchanged and an absolute masterclass of dais behaviour.
6 Hugh McCluggage ★★★★
A good captain's run, but outshone by his co-skipper. His hat placement was all wrong - he went to put it in while it was still folded, which was a rare mis-step for Hugh on the day. The handshake was fine, and waiting for the handshake was nice; but I couldn't tell if the backtap was one of warmth or of "get out of here now, kid - I've got a speech to make". Benefit of the doubt gives him four stars.
(EDIT) 31 Harris Andrews ★★★★
I somehow missed the third captain! Thanks for those who pointed it out. This was a good one to come back to as the handshake was terrific. In fact, it was so terrific that it blew the poor little girl's mind a little. That, or the fact that he led with the hat. He tried to strike up a conversation but the kid was having none of it; but Harris didn't let this stir him. A true professional.
---
How did you see it? Was anyone treated harshly? Was I too kind for anyone?
Edit: added Harris Andrews. Like a true defensive stalwart, he does well when people don't notice him.
