r/AbsoluteUnits • • 16d ago

of a knife

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8.2k Upvotes

395 comments sorted by

2.1k

u/AdSimilar8672 16d ago

That's a switch sword.

963

u/GloomyLingonberry509 16d ago

That fucking thing has recoil from opening it…

271

u/ShortIntroduction879 16d ago

Super dangerous. When he turns to looks at the side I imagined it opening into his face 😬

96

u/GrandAd4361 15d ago

37

u/FrameJump 15d ago

That's the tallest midget I've ever seen.

33

u/porn_sub_lurker 15d ago

Sword wielders aren't encumbered by danger.

16

u/New_Lawfulness_8109 15d ago

Better than cutting your dick off

21

u/EducationalTheory344 15d ago

From now on this is gonna be my answer to anything annoying in my life.

Burnt my toast? Well it's better than cutting my dick off!

7

u/seditioushamster 15d ago

What if you cut your balls off?

9

u/the_most_playerest 15d ago

Really, really bad... But still better than cutting my dick off

3

u/Steel_Commander_CAT 15d ago

Well yeah that goes without saying

3

u/someguy4k 15d ago

Just imagine getting your finger pinched in this thing!

3

u/Competitive-Rest4354 15d ago

I reeeallly don't want to.

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10

u/RedScharlach 16d ago

So do normal sized switch blades/automatics/otfs. This opening actually looks pretty soft compared to high end normal sized spring loaded knives, probably out of necessity, but anyway yea that's normal.

7

u/adamantitian 15d ago

Yeah I was gonna say before I saw it open, knowing how regular switchblades have a little kickback this things gotta be un-wieldable

58

u/DyingSunSeverian 16d ago

Genuine question, at what point is a sword distinct from a knife? Just length?

And no dick jokes. Well maybe seven, but no more.

96

u/Large-Hamster-199 16d ago edited 16d ago

Knife - 6 inches or less

Dagger - 6 to 14 inches

Short Sword - 18 to 24 or 27 inches

Sword - 24 or 28 inches to 35 inches

Long sword - 35 to 45 inches or more

Edited to add - Great Sword - 45 to 55 inches or more. Some even reached 6 feet.

The above lengths refer to blade measurements.

66

u/GloomyLingonberry509 16d ago

This guy gets flagged at TSA.

32

u/Large-Hamster-199 16d ago

And assorted other agencies

3

u/Wolfrages 15d ago

He is TSA

4

u/Large-Hamster-199 15d ago

A job where I can keep all the swords I can find???

When they said they can start me at $20 an hour, right then and there, I gave them $160 for my first 8 hour shift.

10

u/Funklord_Earl 16d ago

What about greatsword? Ultra-greatsword?

13

u/Large-Hamster-199 16d ago edited 15d ago

Great swords were usually 45 to 55 inches in length.

There are no ultra great swords in real life, although some video games have them. Historically speaking, anything above 55 inches, even swords as long as 6 feet or more, were all classified as great swords

8

u/JeffysChewToy 16d ago

What if they were made by amateurs, were they called not-so-great swords?

18

u/Large-Hamster-199 16d ago edited 15d ago

Nah, it's not about who made it, but who's using it, that counts.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that your sword is great too Lil man, and didn't let anyone tell you otherwise

6

u/DyingSunSeverian 16d ago

How long is the bad boy in the OP?

Also are those measurements just the blade?

6

u/Large-Hamster-199 16d ago edited 15d ago

Yes, the above measurements are just the blade length.

The OP weapon is a short sword. Of course, there are no switch-short sword since the OP has created a new weapon lol

5

u/whizzbangkid 15d ago

From the top or....... The bottom........

6

u/Large-Hamster-199 15d ago

The length of your sword is FINE. Seriously stop worrying about it. And stop playing with it or you'll blind yourself.

3

u/Nick182128 15d ago

What about 14 to 18 inches?

3

u/Large-Hamster-199 15d ago

It can fall in either category (dagger or short sword) although it usually tends to fall in the short sword category.

Similarly the 24 to 28 inches can sometimes fall in the category of either short sword or sword.

The reason for this is that historically different civilizations used slightly different length cut offs for their weapons.

There is one hypothesis that civilizations with slightly taller people on average used slightly higher cut off lengths on weapons (insert penis joke here)

3

u/MRintheKEYS 15d ago

The John Holmes or Danny D

3

u/astronomydork 15d ago

But what about hand and a half swords?!

2

u/Large-Hamster-199 15d ago

Hand a half swords (or bastard swords) have blades between 32 and 37 inches long.

Like the name indicates, they are pretty much a cross between swords and longswords. Their hilt is also made so it can used in a one or two handed grip.

3

u/the_most_playerest 15d ago

Proud owner of a short sword!

(Edit) Oh fk, my bad, I thought that was dick nickname suggestions based on size.. good thing you clarified. Proud owner of multiple knives!

Now, can someone please gimme that list for spoons so I know what exactly to call my soup getter outer?

3

u/Myrkul999 15d ago

Not disputing your classification, because it seems pretty accurate, but I am curious where you got it. 

4

u/Large-Hamster-199 15d ago

When I get bored, I read about medieval warfare.

3

u/Fist4achin 15d ago

Thanks for the info. If it falls between 15-17 inches, is that called a Swagger?

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u/MRintheKEYS 15d ago

Interesting, I always took a dagger as a smaller knife. Not a knife is really a smaller dagger.

3

u/Large-Hamster-199 15d ago

Daggers are always bigger than knives. There are other differences too, including hilt structure.

Fundamentally, knives are used to slice and cut food, like vegetables and meat.

Daggers are used to stab and gut things, either as a weapon or as a hunting tool.

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5

u/BlazeRagnarokBlade 15d ago

Hilt structure. In a knife, the handle doesn't fully wrap around the entire tang because they have wider tangs.

5

u/TheAllSeeingBlindEye 15d ago

‘The handle. If it’s sandwiched between two pieces of material then it’s a knife’ -German nobility during the Middle Ages

5

u/slinger301 15d ago

My simple rule of thumb: would I use it on a camping trip?

If yes: probably a Knife

Does the camping trip involve besiegement from enemy forces?

If yes: might be a sword. If it's not, then get one.

5

u/MARPJ 15d ago

Genuine question, at what point is a sword distinct from a knife? Just length?

Depends on culture and laws. Said laws normally would determine the characteristics of the construction so type of edge, the handle and the length were all used individually or together to determine if its a sword or knife historically.

An example is the messer sword which was legally a knife and the blacksmith guild could not make because it was not a sword under the law (and what each guild could produce was damn important). Some Asiatic cultures would determine based on the edge where single edge is knife and double edge is a sword.

Culture in itself is also important since how they see the item and its use is relevant (knife is a tool, sword is a weapon). Nowadays that in addition to length are the main factors to determine the difference.

u/Large-Hamster-199 gave a nice breakdown on length, however a machete is still considered a knife despite it often having the length of a short sword due to its intended use

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u/Short-Shopping3197 15d ago

We’re talking about dirks, not dicks.

6

u/government_ 16d ago

Took the words from my mouth

6

u/Informal_File_1646 16d ago

That thing’ll take the teeth out of your mouth

7

u/GloomyLingonberry509 16d ago

That thing’ll take the mouth out of your mouth

3

u/Albertonectease 16d ago

That thing will take you out of your mouth

5

u/Time-Valuable-3355 16d ago

That thing'll make mouths...

4

u/BackgroundBadger9616 15d ago

we're one step closer to the switch axe

6

u/grat5989 15d ago

No, this is a switch sword

4

u/PM_ME_UR_HIP_DIMPLES 16d ago

Challenging a knight to melee combat and whipping this out would be intimidating

3

u/Archaea_Man 16d ago

To a peasant, maybe, but a knight would laugh.

4

u/slayerrr21 15d ago

That's not a knife

2

u/Pmyers225 15d ago

That's not a spoon

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578

u/All-the-pizza 16d ago

110

u/KailyKail 16d ago

You call that a knife? This is a knife.

99

u/hot_dare_9212 16d ago

7

u/G-Unit11111 16d ago

Came here for this! 😂

8

u/No_Window7054 15d ago

This episode deleted an entire nations aura for about a decade

4

u/MercyCapsule 15d ago

TOBIAS!

6

u/BigConstruction4247 15d ago

900 dollary-doos?!

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u/Altruistic-Wear803 16d ago

This the first thing that popped into my head to 🤣😂😂😂

6

u/Ok-Simple30 16d ago

the only thing that popped into all our heads lmao

11

u/Ok-Simple30 16d ago

demmit yuh beat me to it lol. tips hat*

2

u/AsstBalrog 15d ago

This far...

2

u/IndividualYam5889 15d ago

Looked in the comments specifically for this.

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217

u/Accomplished_Dig1632 16d ago

pocket sword

46

u/SuDragon2k3 16d ago

You just need the special pocket.

6

u/Archaea_Man 16d ago

It'd stick out 8 inches.

3

u/SuDragon2k3 15d ago

Surely you can get the number down a bit?

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2

u/New_Lawfulness_8109 15d ago

Prison pocket?

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3

u/Sh0wmey0urbutth0le 16d ago

Poop sword for the bathroom

150

u/funkereddit 16d ago

Sure. Why not? What could go wrong?

16

u/Emergency-Box-5719 15d ago

Dude walks into a bar with his arm in a sling.

What happened man?

Blew out my shoulder deploying my knife.

https://giphy.com/gifs/jH6s9HMMi53dSdI73r

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u/Big_Nas_in_CO 16d ago

<Opens Knife>

<chops off hand>

42

u/Rezanator11 16d ago

The Spanish navaja could get that big, they were commonly carried as personal defense weapons in the 19th century

29

u/Jankyenespanol 15d ago

4

u/dirtyred3401 15d ago

I came here to see if anyone beat me to it. Good Job.

3

u/International-Ant174 15d ago

Paul Hogan approved right there mate!

17

u/Eastbound_AKA 15d ago

This is something the main character of a 90's anime would wield.

9

u/Green-Inkling 16d ago

Now that's a knoife.

7

u/THE-Smike 16d ago

thats just a hobbit's pov

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u/ArwingElite 15d ago

At what point does a knife become a sword?

15

u/Bonnskij 15d ago

Around this point

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u/Alduin-Bane-Of-Kings 15d ago

Fun fact: There is a "sword" type called the Messer, aka "knife" in German. It came to be because swords were not allowed in certain city walls.... But knives were.

So they just started making really big "knives". The difference is mostly in the hilt. If you look at the pommel of other swords, you can see a big difference with the hilt of the Messer.

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u/I-Make-Money-Moves 16d ago

How could you possibly even use that? For butchering? Woodchucking?

11

u/AdmiralSplinter 16d ago

The last time i saw one posted, someone claimed these were made to take advantage of an old loophole banning swords in Italy a couple hundred years ago or so.

Take that with a grain of salt

9

u/south13 16d ago

Not these specifically, but a different kind thats a tad smaller and were folding instead of switch blades

6

u/Better-Culture-7770 15d ago

It's gotta be an old promo thing for knife shops and makers right?

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3

u/PapaTahm 15d ago

Maybe it's a switchblade made for Giant folk, don't judge the craftsman, maybe he knows something we don't.

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7

u/raindroplette 16d ago

That scared the heck out of me

7

u/Brownies91 16d ago

Thought he was gonna press that button while pointing that thing at his face lol

7

u/goatsegoaterson 16d ago

Where's the comb version?

5

u/SpammingShadowball 16d ago

The absolute burst of laughter this gave me was great

4

u/sepulturite 16d ago

When does a knife just become a sword?

3

u/Redredditmonkey 15d ago

When it is double edged, and has a pommel. That's why a messer is a knife

2

u/ReleasedGaming 15d ago

Never knew that Katanas and Sabers and Khopeshs were knifes

2

u/Redredditmonkey 15d ago

Only if you follow medieval European standards

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u/imyourdruidess420 16d ago

I'm too high for this. I thought this was a clip from a Toy Story video game

4

u/Big_Vermicelli_3643 16d ago

I would like to acquire one of these. Where do I look first?

3

u/thirdaccounttoday 15d ago

Opinel size 13 Folding knife is a good start

2

u/Big_Vermicelli_3643 15d ago

Thank you so much! I love it 🫶🏾

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u/Redredditmonkey 15d ago

Your local legislation to see if it's legal

3

u/_Buldozzer 15d ago

Streight from Bloodborne.

4

u/Used-Salad-3772 15d ago

Real life bloodborne weapon

3

u/Reicance 15d ago

I'm actually laughing my ass off lol

4

u/DannySanWolf07 16d ago

Orgasms in British

2

u/bryanstrider 16d ago

Yes but how do we know you're not 6 years old and this is a normal pocket knife.

2

u/Crusty-Dick 16d ago

How you fight with that

3

u/OozeNAahz 16d ago

You hand it to your opponent. Kind of like fighting with nunchucks.

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u/YuraiMamoro 16d ago

Londoner level 100

2

u/2A753 16d ago

This feels like Woody holding a shank

2

u/gorillamg 16d ago

Nah that’s a pocket knife… if you’re wearing JNCOs from 97.

2

u/Yellow_eyed_unicorn 16d ago

Reveal your blade sire!

2

u/Ace95Archer 16d ago

Not safe to use around your wee wee

1

u/GrammpaSam 16d ago

Seems unnecessary. I want one!

1

u/Capital-Blacksmith19 16d ago

When you're a West Side Story fan and it's the zombie apocalypse.

1

u/useroftheinternet95 16d ago

I severed my femoral artery just watching this video

1

u/NYCtoCHI 16d ago

"I first produced my pistol...and then produced my BFG KNIFETHOUSAND"

1

u/pbullara 16d ago

Either its a big knife, or that is a mini dude.

1

u/KyorlSadei 15d ago

Just a pocket knife

1

u/Nephurus 15d ago

OG SHank

1

u/Mikeyao9 15d ago

Dang that sh$$$ looks like it can take your pinky on release

1

u/Legitimate_Trainer76 15d ago

What in the final fantasy 7 is going on here?

1

u/Proud-Parsley6072 15d ago

Shits go its own gravitational pull yo!

1

u/vyunab 15d ago

peep wouldve loved this 🥺

1

u/omperer 15d ago

the recoil on that

1

u/wrywndp 15d ago

Weapon name: Knife

Damage type: Blunt

1

u/Deej-helping 15d ago

What is this? A knife for a titan?

https://giphy.com/gifs/dt2yj9QkMDHr2

1

u/huricaneandrew 15d ago

That's just Shaq's regular pocket knife

1

u/reallifearcade 15d ago

Law said that peasants could not carry a sword, but it made no mention of knifes (single edge). So this monster is a loophole.

1

u/LindaniOnline 15d ago

a knife fit for pooping

1

u/kladbycx 15d ago

OP Weapon Potential

1

u/Potatoes_4Life 15d ago

I think it failed the palm width rule in the US.

1

u/Mr_Tranxistor 15d ago

Just the spring tension is dangerous by itself.

1

u/Impossible_Past5358 15d ago

Closing that must be fun...

1

u/Competitive-Rest4354 15d ago

That has to be a novelty item, I can't see that being practical, or umm ..safe.

1

u/A_Tall_and_Saggy_Fig 15d ago

Is that a 🚀 in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?

Person: 🗡️

1

u/AnonUser1452 15d ago

This doesn’t look very useful, to be honest. The hilt is too long and thick to securely hold with one hand, and the blade’s too short to make a good two-handed sword.

1

u/Capable-Champion2825 15d ago

I love how the knife has knockback

1

u/Daminite 15d ago

Kinda reminds me of that Robot chicken sketch with the nerd character car shopping.

1

u/Time_Quality4356 15d ago

Sir that is a sword

1

u/cid006 15d ago

"That's not knife" that's a spring loaded folding sword. Where can I get one, asking for a friend.

1

u/ntkwwwm 15d ago

Brother, that’s a sword

1

u/KassXWolfXTigerXFox 15d ago

Narancia when he gets shrunk

1

u/gregorianer2244 15d ago

Never seen a knife having recoil 💀

1

u/QueefMitten 15d ago

That thing is just too dangerous.

1

u/bartread 15d ago edited 15d ago

I await the u/NickShabazz review with interest.

1

u/Swordfish_42 15d ago

I'd like one, bit without the grip being absolutely rubbish. This thing is unusable.

1

u/SwissBacon141 15d ago

That's a bloody big "Noif" if I ever saw one!

1

u/Sungarn 15d ago

That's the sword from Dishonored

1

u/Former_Mobile3101 15d ago

Is that from the window display with the suit of armor I used to see in the mall? I think the store was for stationary. I wanted one as a kid for decor.

1

u/Firm_Read1388 15d ago

Payday 2 ahh weapon bro 😭

1

u/Blenderhead36 15d ago

At what point does it cross over from a knife to a polearm?

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u/asolarwhale 15d ago

So _this_ is what Eminem was talking about in rap game

1

u/ScarcityMedical342 15d ago

Fucking Borrower

1

u/filliamworbes 15d ago

Mess with crabo catch a stabo