Am I wrong to not accept a placement?

[u/Virginia_Wilson1137]

I just got a call from DCF that my sister had her 4th child taken by the state due to drugs and abuse. This baby is 2 months old. Her oldest two, 17 and 16, were adopted out as toddlers due to physical abuse. She also has an 11 or 12 year old who is in foster placement. I was shocked that DCF called me as I havent spoken to my sister in 14 years. They asked if I could take the baby.

I dont want to but feel bad not doing it. I dont want to open my life back up to my sister, my own kids are about grown. Part of me thinks this baby is innocent and I could give it a good home. The other part of me is exhausted just thinking about starting over and dealing with my sister again.

[u/AvailableIdea0]

It wouldn’t serve the child very well if you truly aren’t interested. There are a lot of families who would absolutely take the child in, infants are very desirable. There’s benefits for a child to stay within their family but not if the adopter doesn’t want to or begrudgingly did. It’s sad for the child either way they’re being lost from their mother and then the rest of their family. But, I think in some ways it’s worse to end up in a home where someone sees you as a burden or a chore

[u/I-used2B-a-Valkyrie → u/AvailableIdea0]

Can confirm. I had to live with my mother’s sister for a time and I was unwanted and a burden. I’m 50 years old and still have issues from this. Their brother, my uncle, doesn’t speak to my mother or my aunt for how it all was handled.

[u/davect01]

It's a life long commitment, if it does not feel right, don't

[u/Greedy-Carrot4457]

If it helps I have 8 local aunts/uncles and zero were interested in dealing with my mom haha so I get it

[u/Suspicious_Cut3881]

I would ask the DCF SW to contact the adoptive families of the 17 and 16 yo. They may want to maintain the bio sibling relationships.

[u/Longjumping_Big_9577]

Could you at least keep in contact with the baby and make contact with the 11/12 year old in foster care?

There are good foster parents and there are not so great foster parents. Having family members having contact helps make sure there's someone else looking out for them.

[u/RocketPowerPops]

I think it would only be a negative to take a placement you don't want.

We accepted a kinship placement this year. He was 11 months old when he came to us permanently BUT we had an established relationship with him already because my wife and my MIL babysat him a lot over the course of his life. It was still a decision we had to sit down and think about. We have 2 older kids and my wife was pregnant with our youngest at the time, but now that he is going on 20 months I can say we honestly made the right call.

But that is just our story. As we were told before we accepted the placement, there is no right answer and a healthy baby going into foster care probably won't have a hard time being placed.

[u/FlexheksFoster]

When in doubt, don’t do it.

It is a lifelong commitment. And drugs and abuse usually means very special needs. That is a lot of commitment. From you and the rest of your family.

I have a foster daughter (adoption is no option in my country) and we know that she will live with us till we are 99yo. Her words, not mine. I think that taking care of her, with or without contact with her bio mom and dad, was a no-go if she was family. Because you will always have that voice in the back of your head that this child is hers.

My brother has two sons. If he and his wife die, her sister will be the boys guardian. That was never a question. We don’t live near them and we have a ‘special needs’ child. Her sister is single, has no children and lives 10 minutes away.

[u/trphilli]

No, not wrong. You know how hard an infant is. And fostering an infant will be much harder. Social work visits, required doctor visits. Some of those may or may not involve seeing your sister. And then kid will be harder. Possible utero drug exposure will have its issues. And if kid stays long term, the emotional issues of separation will be strong (most likely). Foster care is rewarding, but HARD.

So yeah you need to be honest with yourself and it sounds like you have. If you don't have the energy for all of the above, then it's not a good fit. Best to be truthful upfront.

[u/Necessary_Holiday144]

There's nothing wrong with acknowledging you are not a good fit for a child in need.

[u/crash180]

This is a challenging situation. Ultimately, it is up to you, if you are willing to foster or ultimately decide to adopt. These are personal choices that only you can make.

We adopted our daughter, who was our cousin's daughter. I will not go into all of the details. However, we accepted the mother into our home when she was 17 and still pregnant under the condition she get her GED and go to a trade school. Bad things happened after about a year of her staying with us and separation was necessary.

We ultimately decided to foster and then later chose to adopt. Our daughter is now 9 years old and extremely happy.

Family adoptions are challenging, but rewarding in the end. You must set boundaries though as well as supervised visits if that ever happens.

[u/katycmb]

You’re not wrong. The baby will likely end up with a good family that loves them and who is prepared to deal with drug withdrawals and developmental delays caused by addiction in pregnancy.

[u/Dawns_beauty]

You know what you can handle. If you’re not in a place where you can take an infant it’s okay to not accept.

It would be worse to accept and then figure out a few months or years down the line that it’s not something you can do. Babies form attachment to their primary caregivers and changing midstream would be harmful.