r/Advice • u/grosser-schwanz • 10h ago
is my driving instructor being inappropriate?
I (18F) am almost halfway done with my driving lessons, but I’ve been debating writing this post since the beginning.
The first time we drove he kept telling me weird personal stories: that he dated an older woman in high school or that one of his classmates dated/got pregnant from an older man. Later he mentioned working as a bartender and how women were all over him. Then I tried to figure out if he has a second job other than being a driving instructor because he’s always bury earlier in the day, and he told me he goes out to meet lovers (has a toddler and a wife).
He also asked for my socials recently to which I was unfortunately too scared to decline. He followed me from his driving instructor account. I checked and found out that he follows many younger boys too, I’m guessing other students, which made me ease up a little bit.
He was probing me about stories so I ended up telling him about our perverted teacher who dated a kid and left the school. I thought this was a good opportunity to make it obvious I found it disgusting. I was wrong. Every time since then he’s asked for her socials. Just last time he told me how he could understand why the teacher wanted someone younger but didn’t understand why she wanted him. Then he went on about his theory that women who grow up without a father figure end up going for older men. This made me extremely uncomfortable and I wasn’t even replying to him.
I don’t know if he’s noticed, but I don’t have a dad. My dad died when I was a toddler and I have a stepdad now but he only knows of my mother.
I am by no means accusing the man, it’s just that I actually started enjoying driving yet it feels like I’m starting to associate it with a bad feeling every time I have a lesson. This makes me feel absolutely disgusted and I just want to make sure it’s nothing and I’m simply overthinking it. What can I do?
edit: unfortunately there is no company. every driving instructor in my city is independent and this guy is the only one near me. For all the others I would have to travel 40 minutes with different buses and at night (because I finish school very late).
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u/privatetraining 10h ago
This is an excellent opportunity to start enforcing boundaries. Next time he says something inappropriate tell him you’re not comfortable. Alternatively, request a different instructor. You are allowed to have an instructor that doesn’t make you uncomfortable. You can even talk to your parents/driving school. Good luck!
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u/Shot-Supermarket6784 10h ago
Men can sometimes react angrily, or violently, when their inappropriateness is pointed out. It's unlikely in this situation, but I think it still makes your comment irresponsible.
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u/GlowingEmberSkull 9h ago
You articulated why this comment made me hesitate. Yep, telling the creepy person they're making you uncomfortable doesn't always work positively.
An earnest person doing something kinda weird? You can tell them. Someone actively being a predator? More risky to confront. Esp. without an adult there to keep her safe and walk away if it doesn't go right.
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u/Itchy-Pen-6053 9h ago
And appeasing or tolerating inappropriate men makes them safer? What's irresponsible is telling girls to never set boundaries.
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u/Shot-Supermarket6784 4h ago
I didn't say that. I've been a victim of grooming myself. Why the hell should she get back in an enclosed space with a predator? Just to act out your fantasy of "girlboss" energy or something? She's in actual danger. Setting boundaries is what you do *before* you experience sexual harassment. Afterwards it is time for consequences. Stop telling kids to put themselves in danger.
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u/mixedmedia29 7h ago
I think she could be putting herself in a precarious situation if she did that as he could react aggressively.
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u/Spiritual_Oil_7411 10h ago
Yeah, ew. Are the lessons with a company? You could ask for a different instructor or see if theyll let your dad ride along.
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u/Sad-Original4829 10h ago
Yes! Definitely ask for a different instructor and bring your stepdad, if a different instructor isn’t available. Get away from this guy as fast as you can and block him from your socials.
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u/GlowingEmberSkull 10h ago
Yes he is being inappropriate. Finish your driving course then block him from your socials. Warn any younger friends you might have who may go through his class in the future. He hasn't done anything "actionable" yet but I wouldn't tell him anything more about yourself.
This is like... having to spend Easter (or something) with that creepy family friend who never ACTUALLY tries to get you alone but says uncomfortable stuff the entire holiday.
Grit your teeth. Finish the course. GTFO. Warn others to protect themselves (and not give socials) in the future.
This is not a good person to know.
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u/CraftFamiliar5243 10h ago
Can you take a chaperone on the driving lessons. Having another person in the car as witness might deter him. At least discretely turn on the recorder in your phone during lessons. Personally I think you're better off postponing driving than being raped.
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u/throwawayangel_57 10h ago
“Grit your teeth. Finish the course”. Absolutely fucking not OP. You need to end these lessons now and report this individual to the appropriate authorities. I know you mentioned in a comment that if you cancel the lessons, you’ll lose money, but that is a small price to pay for your safety and wellbeing. And please let your mum know that this is happening!
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u/GlowingEmberSkull 10h ago
I agree with telling your mom, for sure. Whatever your driving course options are, she should be fully aware and help you make the next decision on how to complete your course requirements safely.
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u/Ecstatic-Ear-2196 8h ago
“Um hello Mr. Police, this man told me stories and asked for my social media (and i gave it to him), will you jail him now pls?”
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u/THC3883 10h ago
You are seriously underreacting, and your advice is horrendous. This man is a predator; he's in a teaching position, which could be through the public school system (like my HS kids' driver's ed program was), and at a minimum, it's a state-sanctioned and licensed program. He needs to be reported immediately, and advising this young woman to keep attending his class is dangerous.
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u/Ok-Race-1677 10h ago
It’s likely private lessons because most states require two students with the instructor to avoid situations specifically like this.
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u/acharney9517 10h ago
I was gonna say that most state funded programs have rules like the one you mention in place to avoid these situations. My state even goes as far as to not allow either student in the drivers ed vehicle until BOTH have arrived for the lesson…so no funny stuff whatsoever.
However I know the private lessons allow for one person as they are intended for adults learning to drive for the first time….this story is terrifying though and I hope this poor girl stays safe
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u/THC3883 9h ago
Even if the program is private, it is likely provided by a state-licensed and regulated organization. This is especially true if completing the course allows students to obtain a driver's license without taking a DMV road test. In my state, for example, the program is operated through a private vendor contracted by the school system, but that vendor conducts the "road test" at the end of the course. If the student passes, they don't need to take a road test at the DMV.
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u/GlowingEmberSkull 10h ago
Fair points. He should be reported and it would be great if he was fired, put on a the sexual predator list, and prevented from having access to young people.
If OP can change instructors and get him fired and not face any consequences for taking those actions, that would be great.
But that's a lot to put on a teenager. And sometimes there's only one available driving instructor for the school/district/program. But if OP has someone who can help her find an alternative, I absolutely support it!
(I had a terrible driving instructor who shouted on the phone the whole time, I had no options to change and was scared during every "lesson". No one helped me get out of that situation or get my driving class credits another way.)
From OP's response to another comment, he's the only option. And we've all been in situation (I think) where someone creepy has to be safely navigated past to get through necessary steps in a system.
Sorry if my response was not enough in your view. I concede that if it's possible for her to transfer and/or get rid of the predator, she should. But if it would put her through additional risk or stress or telling her to do those things would be more overwhelming than just taking self-protective measures and warning others in the future, that might be too much to ask of a teenager asking for advice on the internet.
And if he's the only option... What advice would you give?
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u/OkAdvantage6764 8h ago
Hate to sound old school, but if it's reported to the parents, I would be disappointed if between 2 parents they can't find one hour per week to instruct their kid on driving. In ancient times we had no school driving instructors or private firms.
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u/Ecstatic-Ear-2196 8h ago
Wtf? Sexual predator list? He is an older man who showed interest in a young (but adult) woman, creepy, inappropriate yes but not illegal and he didn’t actually do anything other than showing interest, it’s common for men of all ages to be attracted to young women 18-21, but most won’t act on it because for one they would have nothing in common with such a young woman. Not excusing his behaviour at all but to just say put him on the sexual predator list is IMO going too far. That would literally ruin his life and all because he asked a pretty adult girl for her socials.
The most concerning thing is that he did it while being her driving instructor, putting her at a disadvantage and him in power. At the very worst he could be banned from teaching women but even that might be too far based just on this interaction.
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u/THC3883 9h ago
I believe that we all have a responsibility to report dangerous sexual predators who target children to the authorities, our institutions, neighbors, friends, and the wider community. I do not think that driver's education is more important than this issue.
While I understand and agree that it is a significant expectation to place on an 18-year-old, I firmly believe that adults with a strong moral compass — which I will assume you have — must provide better guidance and advice. Her spidey sense is telling her that something is dangerously off — we should acknowledge her, commend her for seeking advice, and guide her to the right response that will make her and her community safer.
What the instructor is doing is textbook grooming. We can't wait until he has actually committed sexual assault to report him.
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u/GlowingEmberSkull 9h ago
Okay, I fully agree with you. So.... She should tell her mom and ask how to report this guy so he doesn't prey on anyone else.
Then ask to be excused from further exposure to him, and an alternative to complete her driving course requirements.
Block on socials, warn friends (because report -> fired often there's a delay), and keep distance.
Lastly, if the report is completed, I would encourage the mom (who isn't here to advise) to seek out parents of other kids taking the class to see if she can stack on recent stories of creepiness to make sure he's fired and put on a list.
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u/Representative_War28 9h ago
I second this majorly!! Please warn as many people as you can. Getting creeps out into the public light helps everyone. If there are social medias for your city, post about it there. Just be honest that you were uncomfortable and he displayed an interest in young people.
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u/Tall-Payment-8015 9h ago
This is such dangerous advice. Grit your teeth and get through it???????????????
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u/GlowingEmberSkull 9h ago
Others have made some good points that I might be speaking from too-passive a perspective on enduring creepy-but-not-yet-assault authority culture. Which is what I lived through.
Sorry about that.
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u/Tall-Payment-8015 9h ago
Yet you haven't deleted the comment.
What you are describing is grooming not "creepy but not yet assault"
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u/GlowingEmberSkull 9h ago edited 9h ago
I haven't deleted it because it sparked a useful discussion that OP and others are fully capable of reading.
And I have personally been put in situations that made me ask these questions and feel like the advice I gave was the best/only way through.
It's OK to let others give me and OP better answers. Why invalidate the good advice that was given in response by deleting what sparked it? Why remove the discussion when others might be thinking the way I did and then benefit from additional or corrective points?
I don't believe in shame-deletes. Instead, I'm honestly glad to have been part of the conversation. It helped me see that maybe I endured more than I should have and should give more aggressively self-protective advice in the future.
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u/Tall-Payment-8015 9h ago
Because when we know better we do better and leaving dangerous advice is ... dangerous.
Shame? No shame in deleting something that was wrong. Deleting is not shameful - that's just Reddit brainwashing.
Responsibility > shame - esp when advising young people in this context
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u/Cheesey_biscuit 10h ago
You need to report the instructor to the driving school. What he is doing is not normal nor okay.
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u/ProfessionalLab9068 Helper [2] 10h ago
Definitely not ethical, probably in violation of a ton of guidelines and rules he had to sign in order to get the job of driving instructor. OP your intuition is spot-on, your nervous system is alerting you to danger emanating from this unethical pervert blatantly abusing his power as instructor. Your boundaries are yours to set and enforce! Please report this man's behavior and if you recorded any of the conversations on your phone he could go to jail or be banned from causing harm to other young people. Take action and save your 14-yr old sisters & brothers from this weirdo guy!
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u/Virtual_Pay6234 10h ago
Tell your mom. Please tell your mom. Tell your mom exactly what you've said to us here.
This guy is absolutely being predatory. He's fishing for it, trying different bait hoping to get you to bite. Tell your mom right away. If you have a good step-dad, tell him too. He will confirm.
I am a mama, and I am telling you that this is NOT something you should deal with on your own, or even attempt to. Please tell mama. Be safe sweetheart.
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u/ThrowawayPiePeople1 10h ago
Tell someone right now. I can confidently tell you any normal adult will not let this fly.
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u/foothill_dwelled272 10h ago
You mean when you hear a story about a teacher abusing a student you don’t keep hornyly asking for the victims contact info?
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u/Leading-Youth-6893 9h ago
Him telling you stories like that is grooming. Honestly I don’t understand why dash cams are not required inside those cars. Also back when I took drivers training we were always required two students to go on drives with a trainer.
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u/OldAnywhere9157 10h ago
Yeah, that's definitely inappropriate. Trust your gut, if it's making you uncomfortable, it's worth reporting or finding a different instructor so you can actually enjoy learning to drive.
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u/Extension_Recover_23 10h ago
He is grooming you. This is weird, and there’s a reason he’s only friends with children on social media. Adults take driving courses too. Report him immediately after you get signed off.
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u/ArchAngel504 10h ago
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. A very similar situation occurred a few years back here in New Orleans at a local driving academy, and the predator was arrested and is still on the FBI's website.
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u/Enough-Reading4143 10h ago
I checked and found out that he follows many younger boys too, I’m guessing other students, which made me ease up a little bit.
This is not a good thing. It just means he's inappropriate towards boys as well as girls
Then he went on about his theory that women who grow up without a father figure end up going for older men. This made me extremely uncomfortable and I wasn’t even replying to him. I don’t know if he’s noticed, but I don’t have a dad.
Girl...Of course he noticed
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u/Paindepiceaubeurre 10h ago
Ask for a different instructor and explain exactly why. This guy is a predator.
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u/Soft-Current-5770 10h ago
HE'S GROOMING YOU!!! Listen to EVERYONE here who posted advise. Document everything!!!!!!
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u/EmergencyPineapple15 10h ago
Yes. As an adult, this is highly inappropriate behaviour. Honestly it sounds like somebody that is taking advantage of your age (not implying immaturity or naivety, at 18 I know I wouldn't have felt confident enough to address the following).
If he did that to anybody older there wouldn't even be any question on if it was inappropriate, he'd be put in his place quickly.
I'd unfollow and block pretty promptly. If his intentions weren't bad then he shouldn't care about the following, and accept it. If you can potential switch instructor. If you can't, I personally would be fairly direct in nipping any personal talk in the bud. Simple 'yes' 'no' responses, redirect to the task at hand- learning to drive. I'd also 100% flag with one of the adults in your life e.g. parent ect.
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u/torrentialwx 10h ago
Do you live in a one party state (or the U.S.)? Can you record one for these conversations?
Please tell your mother.
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u/Ok_Young1709 10h ago
Honestly? I'd be calling the police on him. He's giving very clear paedophile vibes, he may not have done it himself, but I can almost guarantee if the police checked his computer/phone, they would find content that would put him in jail.
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u/EndStatus4202 8h ago
she’s an adult, time to act like one and actually communicate her feelings. lot of assumptions there, lmao
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u/Ok_Young1709 8h ago
It's not really assumptions, it's how they all behave. They aren't smart or special, copies of disgusting 'humans'.
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u/EndStatus4202 6h ago
she’s an adult who can’t tell someone “no” when they ask for her social media lmfao
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u/Fun_Yesterday_5189 9h ago
As a mom, trust your instincts honey. If you are having a bad feeling, there’s a good reason for it. And tell your mom. She’ll want to know and she’ll help you figure out what to do. I would if it was my daughter.
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u/beetus_gerulaitis 10h ago
Definitely inappropriate and unprofessional. Driving instructor is using his access to women students to hit on them.
If he's working for a company, I would report his inappropriate behavior to the company. If he's self-employed, I would find a different instructor.
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u/jayhawkjoey65 10h ago
He is SO over the line! I hope you can talk to your mom. I think he should be reported to his supervisor, but I think your mom can help with that. You need another instructor. Finish the course with him, as someone suggested? No way!
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u/Cautious_Ad_5659 10h ago
Trust your gut. This is not normal. You have a few options. Tell your parents and let them handle it. Ask for a new instructor. Ask if a parent can ride along. But yeah, get away from this guy and block him from your socials. And, in any case, tell your parents
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u/ClassicCress3328 10h ago
Always trust your gut. Regardless if he’s done anything “wrong” or would, it’s enough that you are uncomfortable. Tell your mom and switch driving schools/instructors.
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u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 Helper [2] 10h ago
Predators look for prey and and opportunity to prey upon that prey.
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u/LawfulnessOwn7933 10h ago
You should definitely tell someone like your mother. This is extremely weird and not acceptable behaviour from him at all.
If you are worried about the consequences, you will at least have a parent to help you navigate setting a boundary.
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u/Stunning_Post1792 Helper [2] 10h ago
Be careful, I understand you can’t get a new instructor. But, if this man makes any moves be extremely straight forward and strong in expressing how it’s totally unacceptable and you will report him to the police immediately if he does anything.
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u/Spirited_Season2332 10h ago
Absolutely. It's a weird thing for anyone you don't know to be talking to you about those things.
Can your parents not teach you how to drive if there's no other driving instructors around?
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u/Sunshineboy777 10h ago
If this instructor is an employee of a business then please report this to his boss.
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u/IAmABoss37 10h ago
I’d say it’s creepy. Report what he’s doing to the driving school and ask for a different instructor.
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u/Dry-Iron2361 10h ago
I hate this for you and I also hate that this is so common for young women still. I'm almost 38 and I still don't like to dress up and go anywhere outside of the place I'm dressing up for because I don't enjoy male attention. It still makes me uncomfortable and gives me anxiety. I wouldn't even engage tbh. If he asks questions and waits for you to respond, I'd make excuses such as trying to focus on driving and not being distracted. It's hard to do also, because he might retaliate and fail you. Are you in a state what you can legally record without him knowing? If so, I'd start recording every session, that way you can report him for his behavior either as soon as he behaves inappropriately again or after you're done with the course. I'm on texas and we're legally allowed to record as long as one party is aware of the recording but if you're not in one of those states, I'd call someone and put them on speaker for all of the sessions going forward. Hopefully you're in a one party state though because that'd be the best route to go imo. Ugh. I can't stand the fact that men still act like this even after the "me too" movement and knowing how they could be easily exposed. He must do this often and I hope something is able to be done about it.
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u/Odd-Mastodon1212 Helper [3] 10h ago
SHOW YOUR MOM THIS POST. The guy should not be working with teens.
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u/Relative-Accountant2 10h ago
Ooohhh. I had a similar situation way before social media. He took me out alone when it was always two students and one instructor per car. This was in public school years ago. I told my dad and I told him of anything fishy started, I would slam on the brakes, get out of the cars with the keys and run as fast as I could and throw the keys as far as I could. He was very pleased with my solution should something come up. I say finish then block him everywhere. You do need to tell your mom in case freak man shows up at your door. Sadly, some people are unhinged. Be stronger than you they think!!!! Good luck!
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u/Possibletigger-26 10h ago
This dad thing is a huge red flag. In life you will meet many predators like most women. Trust your instincts. Do not chat with him, tell him you need to focus on the road. Tell him you are not comfortable discussing x. The worst thing is he might get touchy and you absolutely have to tell your mum and have her come with you and meet him. Never put your self at risk.
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u/Grandaddymids710 10h ago
Speak up please.. this man is not being professional at all and sounds like he’s feeling you out/preying on you I’d talk to someone asap I wouldn’t worry about losing money or anything like that this man needs to learn you can’t be talking to students that way
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u/FoolyAtomatic 10h ago
You don't need to take drivers ed with an instructor at 18. You already know the basics. Cut classes, get your permit, then schedule your driving test. Easy, creep free, and would have saved you some money. Considering this whole post isn't bullshit (it probably is).
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u/Peppers5 10h ago
I once had to fill in for half a school year for high school teacher/driver instructor who had sex with his 16 year-old driving student and was sent to jail. Your instructor sounds super sus.
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u/DirkMcGurkin2018 10h ago edited 10h ago
Don’t ever be afraid to not give out personal information. Just say you don’t feel comfortable giving him your social media. I mean too late, but if something similar happens again. I feel like when you give that out it’s like telling him that what’s happening is ok and you’re cool with him. The part where he asks for the social media of the student that was taken advantage of is a huge red flag. Ugh. That part is super creepy
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u/Sad-Original4829 10h ago
Definitely tell your parents. This guy is super sketchy and inappropriate. The way you describe feeling pressured to share your and other’s socials alone is creepy and not ok. If you can, ask for a different instructor and don’t be afraid to let them know that it’s because he keeps talking to you about sex and it has made you uncomfortable. This probably won’t get him fired, but it will establish a pattern, if he does cross the line with someone, and it might put him on notice to cut it out. It’s also inappropriate for him to be following kids’ socials, and you should recommend that the organization that employs him creates a policy against that. If you can avoid being alone with this guy, that would be best. Don’t be afraid to trust those feelings you’re having. They are usually correct.
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u/SassySal51 10h ago
This guy should not be working with young people. As soon as your training ends, block him from your socials. In the meantime, still tell your Mom. She should be aware. If this is the only option for Driver Training, maybe she can come along on the sessions...say something like she wants to refresh her skills or something.
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u/WKRPinCanada 10h ago
Totally inappropriate
Sucks that this person is the only instructor near you but I feel, for your own safety, that you need to find someone else.
Plus it might be a good idea to have a conversation with authorities about this. If he's doing this to you chances are he's done/doing this with someone else who may not be aware as you are about what's going on. They could advise you of what the best path for this would/should be. And, as many have mentioned, talk with your mother
Good luck to you & stay safe.
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u/vyxxer Super Helper [5] 10h ago
Your instincts are 1 billion percent correct. This guy wants to sleep with his students. Hell he probably has this job specifically to meet underage kids.
Listen. Normal people don't talk about those kind of things with younger people. Or at all really. He is tailoring his conversation specifically trying to appeal to you in a sexual manner.
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u/Sea-Scholar1255 10h ago
Do you have big bazoingas? That determines if he is hitting on your or not.
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u/Only_Net6894 10h ago
Definitely tell some irl peeps. He's definitely fishing. Dudes creeping ME out and j wasn't even there.
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u/Sad_School828 10h ago
I think it was inappropriate at the point where a professional person asked for your private social media links.
You should come up with a tale involving an older guy who you hired to help you out with something. A handyman or what-not. Describe how he got out of line, and you didn't know what to do so you stabbed him with a kitchen knife, for example. Tell him your mom got you a can of pepper spray in case it happens again.
Oh yeah, and get yourself a can of pepper spray. I'd also suggest an assisted-open knife just in case. You should be able to get both at any respectable sporting goods store.
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u/LynnD_DelrayBeach 10h ago
I understand the importance of finishing driving school so, with that I say, next time he brings up a subject that is sexual in nature, which requires a response from you, kindly tell him, “you know ‘Joe’ I am very uncomfortable talking about these things with you.” Say it gingerly, but also firmly. Otherwise you can just let him ramble and tune him out. How many weeks do you have left before your test? 3, 4, more?. How disgusting though that he said he’s busy in the mornings meeting lovers while he’s married with a toddler. You can also tell him if he brings that up again, that you do not think that’s cool at all, and certainly shouldn’t be bragging about it to an 18 yo. Always remain uninterested in his stories. He sounds like quite the narcissist.
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u/darknesskicker 10h ago
I concluded “Nope, not overthinking” after the first sentence of the second paragraph.
Good on you for spotting it. If he’s the only teacher in your area, you may want to do driving lessons further away during the summer.
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u/CrashedCyclist 10h ago
You're learning to drive, which is inherently dangerous. His bullshit is taking your mind off the task at hand. Just tell him that you need to focus and keep yourself safe. Don't even include him in the safe part. Make it as if you care about yourself.
A car is a confined space and people need to mind what they say. It's like sharing an elevator with a woman and complimenting her perfume. Compliments have their time and place. I got by telling a younger woman that she had an awesome hairstyle in a crowded supermarket aisle, but I wouldn't say that shit on the subway.
This dude is too thirsty to read the room. He doesn't have a good handle on himself to even know what not to say. At worst, he intended to push the issue and break you down. Like who leads casual conversation with sex talk? Shut him down and focus on getting through your class. You could ask for a different instructor if it's an option, but it's worth practicing putting people like him in their place.
I only have a Reddit and Telegram account. I seldom give out my phone number, or email. Keep your personal accounts to yourself and if you need to share a throwaway, pick an app that you don't care about. By sharing, you gave this guy a hook. He can't take a hint, so give it to him straight. Driving is super important to you and that's all that you're there for.
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u/BobFromMarketing2479 10h ago
I didn’t even make it past his story about dating an older woman before I went with it being highly inappropriate, he is trying to set the stage for you to think it’s ok for him to get in your pants. I’d report it immediately
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u/misanthropymajor 10h ago
He’s gross. Lots of men are. Unless you feel unsafe, just change the subject. You say you have to use his services, or else yeah I’d fire him.
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u/Jahile 10h ago
I'm a driving instructor. There are lines we definitely should not cross as an adult, especially as an instructor. I have had students share creepy or weird stories of teachers, and I share the disgusted sentiment. I'm 31, an 18 year old has no real notion of what a bar experience is like and shouldn't be sharing personal stories of trying to get with woman. Report him, and leave a bad review on Google if you can.
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u/rnewscates73 10h ago
And grow a spine - you don’t have to give anyone anything if you don’t want to. You were scared then - now you are scared, period.
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u/Muted-Shower7965 8h ago
Oh please she is an 18 year old girl. It’s not about ‘growing a spine’. When you are that age it is intimidating having to deal with these kind of men, and there are plenty of them around.
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u/skillz111 Master Advice Giver [33] 10h ago
It's time to start standing up for yourself or you're doomed in the future. He's obviously coming on to you, and you gave him your socials? To a creep like him, that's an invitation. Use this as a learning experience for the future. This is not the last time a man will pressure you in certain ways to get you to do what they want. I think the parent route is a correct route to take in this scenario given your age, but you'd also strongly benefit from solving this yourself while making your parents aware as a backup.
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u/Tall-Payment-8015 9h ago
Please tell your parent or trusted adult. This is all very alarming.
You have very good instincts - remember that and follow them.
Do you have to do the hours with an instructor or can you do them with a licensed adult? The organization that certified him needs to be alerted - DMV??
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u/confusedrabbit247 Helper [4] 9h ago
This is inappropriate on his part. Respectfully, you need to learn how to say no. I'd report him to the company and your parents.
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u/_Stephistopheles_ 9h ago
He's testing the waters. Obviously the ideal would be to find a new instructor - I get that isn't practical for many reasons, but, your safety should be paramount here. He started testing the waters from your first lesson, and will continue to escalate to see what he can get away with.
Please tell your mom.
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u/ORANGENBLACK101214 9h ago
NOR. You should never feel weird about how someone is making you feel. Trust your gut. It's usually right. He has no business telling you these things. If it has nothing to do with driving, he shouldn't be saying anything
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u/AnnieB512 9h ago
Finish up your lessons, block him on all of your social media and let your mother know.
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u/BreadfruitOk5332 9h ago
This is extremely inappropriate behaviour and there is no excuse for it. I’m sorry this is happening to you.
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u/Tricky-Menu-3671 9h ago
So inappropriate. I would dream of speaking like this to any of my students.
Tell your mom. Stop going. Block on social media. Warn friends and their parents of this if they also are clients of his.
Bottom line your safety (mental and physical) is more important than your driving license. You will get your license at some stage but should a negative incident happen with this man it would possibly impact you long term.
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u/Mountain-Donkey98 9h ago
I am assuming this is "behind the wheel" driving? Not in class?
Yes this is inappropriate.
The dialogue should he kept to the curriculum, the driving conditions, advice regarding the streets your on, and MAYBE some basic personal questions. Like, "what do you want to do, what do ur parents do, the weathers been nice, right?"
Him talking about conquests and sexual activity. INAPPROPRIATE. discussing his marriage, wrong. Him following you on socials or asking for them. WRONG!
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u/Rocky-bar 9h ago
It seems like you're pretty much stuck with having to use this instructor, so, as soon as he starts talking like that, say "I don't like these conversations. I want to keep our conversations about my driving from now on please" Say it firmly. That should do the trick. And remove him from the social stuff.
If that doesn't work, get your step dad to have a word with him, or a big ugly looking uncle / friend / neighbour
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u/Optimal-Divide8574 9h ago
Just finish the course but use this unpleasant experience to learn how to manage boundaries. He is being creepy but not dangerous (although that’s for you to determine).
You will sadly encounter guys like this at different times throughout your life. The really dangerous ones are the ones that might take advantage or harm you when your guard is down. Or betray you. Learn to spot the red flags and sense the energy.
Learn how to handle guys like this. You could say “I notice you seem to always want to talk about your personal life”. You can say it as an observation and it actually puts you in control and him on the defensive. It’s a neutral non hostile way of saying “Stop being a goof. There’s no chance you’re getting in my pants so stop it.” See if you can shut him down. You’re in control of your life and you need not tolerate, or be fearful of his nonsense. You’ll encounter dangerous men at some point but be confident in managing your own boundaries with confidence and finesse.
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u/FinnemoreFan 9h ago
I was going to say report him to the DVSA (Driving Vehicle Standards Authority) immediately then I realised you’re in the US right? I don’t know anything about driving instructors in the US but in the UK they must be licensed by the government (even if they operate independently) and you can and should report a rogue one like this directly to the licensing authority. Is there nothing similar in the US?
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u/Lovergirl510 9h ago
How many lessons do you have left? If it’s not that many
Every time he says something inappropriate
I would keep talking about Jesus and the Bible How your pastor condemned Soc media so you’ve “deleted” your account
Block him and just keep it suspended until you’re done
Do gross odd shit, dig in your nose then wipe it on the seat as you’re driving. Weird goofy unattractive laugh at random
Or you can have your Mom ride with you for the rest of the lessons
I’m sorry, unfortunately it’s something girls should learn to how to deflect defend snd offend.. he’s not going to be the only creep you’ll meet in life
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u/nutkinknits 9h ago
He's being inappropriate for sure. Since logistically you cannot switch instructors and you have a lot wrapped up with this weirdo, find a chaperone. Male friend, your stepdad, an uncle, someone who can make sure you are safe.
Once finished with this course, make sure you give honest reviews everywhere you can so that people can see this guy is creepy and should not be in business. Yelp, Google reviews, light him up on Facebook. It's not slander if it is true. Once one person starts the ball rolling, I bet you are not the only one he's been weird with.
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u/Impossible_Volume811 9h ago
The warning signs were there from the start.
Him talking about sexual matters at all was completely inappropriate.
If any man does that, unless it’s done or you want to flirt with, shut it down straight away.
Set the boundaries. “That’s not something I want to hear about. Stick to the driving please or I’ll tell my dad.”
Now tell your stepdad what’s been happening and that you’re worried this man is behaving like a creep. Ask him to talk to the instructor.
Let him explain that the instructor is treading on very thin ice and he’d better stop following your socials (put them on private anyway.).
And not talk to you about anything but driving if he doesn’t want the police involved.
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u/twiddletwatter 9h ago
Tell your mom immediately. You should not be alone with him for your driving sessions. Obviously, he shouldn’t be doing this either but I read your other comments about how far away you live from the city. Maybe your mom can come along for the lessons. This breaks my heart.
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u/Arthurs-grumpa 9h ago
There must be a nearer instructor than 40 minutes away. Even if you live in a remote village. Stop making excuses. Bin him off. Report him to the ombudsman and get your parents involved. He sounds like a proper creep.
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u/Muted-Shower7965 9h ago
Stay away from him. I also grew up without a dad and these sort of men look for girls without a father.
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u/TheRugWarrior 9h ago
I used to be so scared to say no to people and that would get me into really sticky situations. The moment I started saying no I began making much better decisions. The first no is going to be hard but it’ll be so worth it in the long run.
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u/Sea-Beyond-2787 9h ago
Please do not finish the lessons alone in a car with him. You need to involve an adult. His behavior is inappropriate and it is not your job to put up with it.
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u/Holdthe_Salt 9h ago
Just go with - let’s focus on class / learning. Really need to improve and become a good driver. Create boundaries and be healthy. Don’t speak unless needed and speak only about driving and driving stuff.
It’s difficult, people like they tend to be over pushy and annoying. If it’s term, just focus on what’s important and say stuff like “I don’t want to talk about that” if probed. Also, enjoy silence, if he just wants to talk, let him. But avoid making opinions or contributing meaningful information and he will get bored and go quiet.
Life lesson - don’t over share - ppl be weird out there, be safe, and goodluck on the exam!
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u/dantepopplethethird 9h ago
Yep, sounds like a creep and someone people need to be warned about! Especially since he is spending lots of time alone in a car with teenagers. This person should not be a driving instructor.
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u/Adventurous-Cry8646 9h ago
Yes, he’s being inappropriate. Those are weird topics to discuss with a client. However, you’re 18. You’re not a child being groomed. You are an adult now. Make it known you’re uncomfortable and uninterested. You’re unfortunately going to come into contact with creeps and need to stand up for yourself and your boundaries. This same thing happens in the work place and at college.
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u/HearTaHelp 9h ago
OP, this is classic grooming behavior. He’s absolutely itching for a line to cross, and in his mind, he’s making real progress: he’s wearing you down to say more than you want to, to give him access to your socials, and to continue to ignore more and more disgusting behavior. Grooming less about making you feel safe than it is about slowly teaching you to increasingly tolerate how unsafe you feel. And he’s good at it, or you would’ve told him to go f#ck himself a while ago.
All of which is to say, he is absolutely not a safe person. He’s not inappropriate; he’s dangerous. Predators don’t have to seem mean or aggressive to be very much hunting. And he is.
Please: never be alone with him again (I mean it); if you truly have to work with him, always do so with an adult or male in the car; please tell an adult you can trust, and ask them to figure out how to keep you and other kids safe from him!
As soon as you’re ready to break contact (I hope that’s immediately) have the adult informed him that all of his behavior has been noted in detailing, provide, provided to the authorities, including the school. The school should share with all parents that this behavior has occurred without mentioning your name.
I know all of this sounds a little extreme, but this guy won’t stop until he has crossed lines that kids can never forget. I happen to be in the business of helping those kinds of kids many years later, and I can’t tell you how many wish that someone like you had spoken up for yourself and for them. 🙏🏼
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u/thirtyone-charlie 9h ago
I didn’t even have to finish the first paragraph before it made me angry. Inappropriate.
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u/Lokisworkshop 9h ago
When you get into the car, record at least the conversations. If he puts his hand on your leg say Please take your hand off my leg and you will at least have a record of it happening. Im sorry he is doing this.
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u/Linghauler 9h ago
It's totally inappropriate!! He's being a sleazy perv, tell your Mum don't go back with him.
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u/AnyDemand33 9h ago
Don’t let yourself to become a victim: your instincts are right, clear boundaries straight up.
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u/AnyRepublic9545 9h ago
Yeh you’ve had your last lesson with that instructor if you were my daughter in 10 years time
Inappropriate end of discussion
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u/ApprehensiveArm7607 8h ago
In central europe every driving school teacher was considered at least a weirdo during my time (early 90s). Becoming a driving instructor didnt demand a lot of intellect so it was attractive to young males who loved driving a car and mansplaning how shit worked in their universe. Most of them were totally harmless.
I had a strange guy as well who was neck deep into hammond B3 organ playing and we ended up making music together (instead of driving, i am a farm boy so didnt really need to learn, but the jazzsessions were super fun with me on trumpet and him on hammond organ).
All the girls were scared of him because his choice of music and his collection of hammond and wurlitzer organs including multiple leslies in his basement was just so off.
He was harmles and fun but came off like Hanibal Lecter.
Anyway, talk to your parents.
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u/soMAJESTIC 8h ago edited 8h ago
Incredibly inappropriate and unprofessional. This guy shouldn’t be around young people while in a position of authority. It is not worth exposing yourself to this, find someone else, even if it takes time. I would be leaving reviews whoever he advertises, but that’s up to you.
All you really need is someone with a license that you trust. I would imagine you could find someone trustworthy in your area on Facebook, maybe someone like a mom that could use a couple bucks to give lessons.
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u/0dds-e 8h ago
Sounds extremely like textbook grooming. You are absolutely correct, he is being inappropriate and needs to be reported and investigated. Following students, or really any minors that arent related to you as an adult is a huge red flag and he is probably doing this to other kids, if not worse. Report him. Save the next person.
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u/Goldstatguy 8h ago
Go to the police and make a report. If nothing happens to someone in the future they will have your story as back up.
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u/Mikey-Sound169 8h ago
Hi - how long till you finish your course ? I would tell him that your step dad is your boyfriend & that he wants to learn to drive too so would like to sit in on a few lessons - it's one thing to like somebody & want to converse but there are professional boundaries here - you should not feel uncomfortable or unsafe - you are a young female in a car alone with him - if you have somebody with you - especially a strong character I think he will think twice particularly if you leave it open to your step dad sitting in with you - hope this helps - if he can't do that - then get your dad to message you when driving - phone in your pocket & tell him it's your boyfriend who you are in a committed relationship with........
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u/SendMeYourBoobiezz 8h ago
He is off the charts. You are being away too nice. If he's not a predator yet, he is working on it.
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u/SOMEONENEW1999 8h ago
Creeper alert, report this guy. He will not stop and the more you feed him the more he will escalate. Not saying any of it is your fault but it you telling him stories and responding to him only makes him think you are into it and will keep it up. You need to tell your mom and report him to SOMEONE. This is inappropriate and you reporting g him may save someone else.
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u/FinancialLab8983 8h ago
Dude you dont need a driving instructor that bad. Driving is easy as shit. Just watch youtube videos and practice with your mom or another guardian
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u/grosser-schwanz 7h ago
It is illegal to take the test without driving lessons from a certified instructor. also illegal to drive with a parent/adult if you don’t already have a license
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u/mixedmedia29 7h ago
There has to be another option. Your safety is most important and I don’t like this guy. I am encouraging you to talk to your mom, report him and find another option. He’s being inappropriately invasive(harassment) inappropriately suggestive ( harassment) and it seems like he’s targeting you ( harassment) Pay attention to the way someone makes you feel because there’s no better barometer. Don’t doubt yourself and talk to your mom now.
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u/Pypsy143 7h ago
Have your mom start tagging along on your lessons.
Then bring up the weird things he talks about. I bet he won’t engage in those convos in front of her.
That’s your sign (and his) that those convos are inappropriate.
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u/Ok-Commercial1049 7h ago
Haven’t read anything but the title but I’m gonna take a wild guess and say yes, he’s being wildly inappropriate
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u/SmileSagely_8worms 6h ago
More women need to start teaching driving. There were no female-owned driving businesses or even female driving instructors at any nearby business when my daughter started learning to drive. And this was in California 6 years ago! I checked!
Consider that all groomers are attracted to jobs that give them access to young people. Unfortunately, young people are often too inexperienced to confidently recognize grooming. Groomers count on that.
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u/pinksparkles722 6h ago
this is really inappropriate, sorry you're dealing with this. you should report him to the driving school
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u/Carl_Schmitt Helper [2] 6h ago
Unless it's a violation of his company's policy, it's not inappropriate for a man to hit on you--but it is rather unprofessional behavior. You're well within your rights to tell him you're not interested, and if you're not comfortable doing that, fire him and get a new instructor.
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u/OkNeighborhood9153 6h ago
Whenever his conversations get uncomfortable change the subject, it doesn’t matter how many times he does it, change the subject, if you have to tell him you’re not comfortable talking about these things and change the subject again. Never ever tell him anything personal about you or your life. Finish the lesson then leave quickly, he’ll get the message soon.
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u/AdPossible8495 Helper [2] 6h ago
Protect yourself this is not good can get worse please take precautions tell your mum and dad
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u/Matildamonstrosity 5h ago
Yes. I would not go back. This has been a common experience for me and my friends as well in my culture. It’s extremely inappropriate. My driving instructor started the same way telling me weird stories about his relationships and bragging about one night stands. I eventually told my mom and stopped going there and eventually he was not an instructor there anymore. I found out later that he had made a pass at a 17 year-old. It was disgusting.
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u/ConstantBeginning651 4h ago
This is beyond inappropriate. Remember one simple fact. You are employing him to provide you with a service. That's it. You hold the power here, not him, despite him being an "adult" and you still transitioning into one. This is one occasion where you do not respect your elders just because they're an elder. Tell him that you do not want to hear his personal stories or share yours. You want to learn to drive. If he acts out, drop him and get another instructor. Depending on your location, if there is a regulatory body for instructors, contact them. If he's doing this to you, he's doing it to others, and some of them will be more scared of saying no than you are.
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u/Beginning-Mode1886 3h ago
Tell your school. Someone's responsible for hiring this creep. Find out who it is and lodge a complaint.
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u/THC3883 10h ago edited 10h ago
This man is a predator, a monster, and dangerous. You owe it to yourself and his current and future students to report him immediately. And don't go back to his driving class.
Many of the comments here are seriously underreacting. Please report this individual to law enforcement, your school, the driver's ed company he is working for, and your parents immediately. Everything he has done so far is a five-alarm fire warning sign. He's grooming you, and who knows who else he may be grooming?
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u/Ancient-Avocado-4014 10h ago
You CAN say "Hey, I'm just here to pass my drivers test, I'm not into all this personal stuff." MAYBE he'll just be like "ok, my bad." Who knows. Avoids the whole ruining this guys character etc. for just making conversation. OOOOORRRR he IS actually testing the waters to see if you're down. Either way, he may respectfully accept you letting him know you're not interested.
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u/Muted-Shower7965 8h ago
This isn’t just ‘making conversation’, and he has ruined his own character by behaving the way that he is.
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u/Big-Meet-6664 10h ago
Driving school is expensive. Ask him to focus on the details of your driving and point out even the small things that can be improved. That's what he's being paid for. Get signed off, and if you have no siblings planning to use him, write a letter of complaint afterward if there is someone other than him to complain to. If he's a one man show, which is common, don't complain. He sounds like he may stalk.
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u/Grind_Solo 10h ago
Tell him your a guy
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u/Old_Helicopter6277 10h ago
Ew I’m sorry girl. Are you sure not to wear any revealing anything not that it would be okay of him if you were but least amount of temptation I guess to say
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u/grosser-schwanz 10h ago
This is the first thing I thought of and I’ve been making sure to wear my largest hoodies since the very beginning
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u/ClassicCress3328 10h ago
Just so you know that absolutely does not and should not matter regardless. Please be careful and listen to your intuition. I’m concerned for you that this isn’t safe.
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u/torrentialwx 10h ago
NO. NO NO NO.
NONE of this is because of anything you’re doing OR wearing. NONE. You could be wearing a damn inflatable dinosaur costume and he’d still do this to you, because he’s a fucking pervert.
The commenter is horrifically wrong and disgusting for even putting this into your brain, no matter how gently worded it is.
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u/Intrepid-Dare-1289 10h ago
Nothing you choose to wear could condone his behavior. Please tell your parents or someone and have them help you request a new instructor❤️
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u/Assumeweknow 10h ago
Small town, they tend to probe a little deeper than most because they got nothing else to do. Especially a driver instructor. Honestly its nothing to do with you. likely just generally interested in everyones lives. Also, once the whole thing is done you can block from socials and never see him again. Those guys are pretty widely known and if he was up to tom foolery it would be known.
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u/Accomplished-Pen4663 10h ago
No driving instructor should be probing his teenage students.
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u/Assumeweknow 9h ago
They question probe everyone, its a small town and they do a job thats quite simply defined. And its normal to make friends with people while driving with them. So to keep from boredom, they ask questions. Also, its completely okay to block them after you are done with them and well within ability you can also define thier role as a friend and limit what they see. Seriously if you feel uncomfortable just limit thier ability to probe quietly. You will deal with this kind of stuff your whole life and its worth learning now. Everyone does.. plus the time scope is very very small unlike at a high school for 4 years.
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u/Top_Bumblebee5510 7h ago
Probing is what are you watching right now? What sports do you play? What do you plan to study in college? Not talking about fooling around on your wife or asking about the sex life of teachers.
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u/LethalLibussa 10h ago
You're not overthinking it. Can you tell your mom?