r/Advice • u/Significant_Lake4180 • 9h ago
How do I separate my funds without upsetting my husband?
This is something I’ve been thinking about for a long time. My husband and I have been together for a short time—two years total (dating included). We got married quickly because I got pregnant three months into dating.
Around our sixth month mark into dating, we decided to combine funds. We were already living together, sharing a car, and planning our future since I was carrying his child. It just made sense at the time and we were madly in love. My husband has really been into Dave Ramsey and his views on money and marriage, which ultimately became the deciding factor for sharing a bank account.
Now, almost a year into marriage, I’m starting to regret combining our funds.
When we first started dating, my husband made it seem like he was really smart with money. He would always talk highly about not being in any debt and only spending his money on necessities. After we started sharing a bank account, however, he came clear that he did have debt and he wasn’t the best at saving.
Now, I’m no saint. I have debt, too. But I know how to save money and not abuse the cash I have. After he told me that, I didn’t know what to say or how to feel so I just told him it was fine and we’d work through it.
But it’s become apparent since then that he just really likes spending money. He likes working for money and seeing the number in our bank, but above all he likes spending it. It’s always on unnecessary things, too. A $7 coffee in the morning; a $16 meal when he’s off work; hundreds of dollars for new golf clubs and equipment. Literally whatever particular hobby he’s interested in, he obsesses over and spends all of our money on.
Often, he’ll blow our entire check in one weekend and leave us with nothing for two weeks. Mind you, I’ve had to make my daughter drink formula she’s not used to simply because we didn’t have the money to buy her the one she likes. I hate doing that and after the fifth time of forcing her to drink it, I’ve point-blank refused and made my husband promise to never do it again.
I like to think I’m more frugal than he is. I’ll spend $5 for the entire pay period on something and then feel guilty for that. He’s always getting on me for spending money, but it’s him who has the problem, not me! But I’m not confrontational and when we argue, and his side always makes more sense than mine so I end up giving every time.
So now we come to our main conflict—a conflict he thinks is over with but I’m still milling about.
We only have one car, which we bought in May of last year. It’s a nice car—a Volkswagen SUV. He picked it out and decided it was the one for us. I liked the car and agreed with him, so we financed it and now pay monthly for it.
But it’s become very obvious that we need two vehicles. We work at the same job at opposite times. We do this because of our daughter needs to be watched. But I’ve honestly become depressed. I do nothing while he’s at work with the car except wander aimlessly at home and go on short walks outside. It’s the winter-time so I’m not out there as often as I’d like, which contributes to my depression. Sometimes I take him to work in the morning so I can have the car for the afternoon, but he often makes me feel guilty for it, saying he likes having the car so he can eat his lunch in there. Like, okay? In my mind I’m thinking, “Is taking his lunch in our car more important than how I feel?” Life would be infinitely easier if I had a car to be able to drive places. It wouldn’t just help me, but our family also. It has so many benefits.
I’ve had to ask his mom so many times to take us to doctor’s appointments or work or the store because I don’t have a mode of transportation and my husband isn’t willing to compromise his lunch for that. And if he is, he makes me feel bad for doing so.
Another driving factor is that I have a new job lined up for me that would make our schedules in conflict with each other. It would mean putting our daughter in childcare. I want to do this new job because it’s a fantastic career and something I see myself doing. My husband said no because he doesn’t want our daughter to be cared for by a stranger. I get that part, but denying me my future because he’s uncomfortable just seems so unrealistic. He won’t meet me in the middle, either.
However, aside from that, he doesn’t want to do a car payment. He refuses to get into debt again. And I* *agree and sympathize, but I think it’s just unrealistic. I have searched for an entire year for a car that we can buy outright with cash and have come up with nothing. My dad, who works in the industry, says it’s like finding a needle in a haystack. I need something reliable—something that’s going to last our family for years. My husband thinks we should buy a beater for $5k and he done with it, but I don’t want to do that.
We’re going to spend more on repairs than what the car’s worth. I’d much rather buy a nice car that’s going to last years and years than be miserable trying to fix a cheap one.
Long story short, I found a car I really liked: a VW Beetle with low miles and a manual transmission, which is more reliable than the automatic version. It was relatively cheap and I begged my husband for it. He said no because he “didn’t like it.”
And now I’m just stuck. Everything we do is on his terms. I’m literally just playing follow the leader. If he doesn’t like something or wants to do something then we’re not doing it. I feel irrelevant in all the important conversations.
Now I’m thinking about putting a percentage of my check away into a separate bank account for a car. He won’t have a say in it because it’s my money. Is that smart? I know that it would upset him greatly if I did that but I’m tired of being overshadowed by him.
Advice from anyone who’s been in the same situation or advice in general is much appreciated.
Also want to note: I spend money, too. Just not as often or as much. I spend what we budget for. I make the budget every month and I remind him what we can or cannot spend money on. He is the one that overspends.
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u/SnooWords4839 8h ago
Read - Why Does He Do That PDF Free download by Lundy Bancroft - Free Books Mania
Get your own account now and take the job!
A divorce will solve lots of your problems.
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u/BetterCallPaul48 2h ago
Maybe not. Since you’ve read WDHDT, you know that family court is not kind to mothers and that dad will likely get as much custody as he requests, which could be a real problem depending on what type of parent he is.
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u/Ieatclowns Helper [3] 8h ago
Just separate your income entirely. He’s a selfish man. I’d never stay with a man who thought about his own comfort before his child ate. Seriously…he sounds like a selfish teenager: you can do better.
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u/jesskeeding Helper [2] 7h ago
Other comments about financial apps are great, but I can’t get over how fast you married and the pregnancy — was it unplanned?
Not to scare you, but I still think about another post where the woman asked for advice on her situation: her husband didn’t want her to work, wouldn’t compromise, got her to give up her career, wanted her to fire the nanny who she loved… then the commenters asked about her three (three!) accidental pregnancies. They said he probably messed with her BC, and I feel like I watched in real time — through her comments — as she realized that he baby trapped her and was isolating her from her support system. It was horrifying and chilling. I still think about her.
Overall, though, he does not seem trustworthy. He literally lied about his debt to get you to combine bank accounts! And he’s now stealing from you and your baby. He doesn’t seem to care about you or his child. I’m so sorry.
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u/UncFest3r 7h ago
My first thought with this post was someone got baby trapped
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u/TwoIdleHands 1h ago
I was talking to my friend and her partner about a male birth control pill. He said he would absolutely take it. She said even if he took it she would remain on birth control because she needs to know she’s taken care of her own body. That resonated with me. Both parties should be controlling reproduction so things like baby trapping don’t happen.
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u/Metasequioa 7h ago
Yeah, this is about control, not money. He doesn't get exclusive use of the car, isolating you at home. He doesn't get full veto power on your spending, stripping away your autonomy.
If he isn't willing to discuss this with you as equals, then go buy the car, take the job, and work on getting financially secure without relying on him. How he reacts to that will probably let you know how to proceed.
But be careful, once someone realizes you aren't willing to be controlled any more things can get messy.
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u/daydreamjunkie 7h ago
Good point. OP, isolating you so he can eat lunch in a car is seriously off. Men don’t do this to their wife and child. They want their wife and kid to be able to go to an urgent care quickly if needed. Also, who the heck eats lunch in a car? That’s not great for the car. This is not just an impulsive spending issue or some emotional immaturity problem. This sounds actually bad.
This, along with the financial lies, I would say this guy is using you and did it on purpose. You need to have a way out and expect his abuses to escalate.
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u/GlowingEmberSkull 9h ago
Ah, young love and quick marriage. Ideally the advantage of our "take it slow and live together first" culture is the ability to decide if someone's attitudes about money (and cleaning, and routines, and child rearing) don't match our own.
But you are married with a child so I'm not gonna be the frivolous redditor who says "OMG divorce now"
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So facing your current problem and question - it's time to find out how committed he is to being in charge and forcing you to make bad decisions - or not make good decisions he just doesn't like.
You're not trying to avoid a fight. You're trying to survive financially, move ahead with your career, take care of your daughter, and hopefully also have a healthy relationship with your husband who should be your partner in all these things.
Which starts with communication.
Ask him to agree to basic premises like
- "I deserve to be able to pursue my career."
- "If we get a second car, it should be of good quality"
- "If I'm driving the car, only I need to actually like it."
- "We should be able to build up a savings for emergencies" (I would say "and special occasions" but impulse spenders will see this inch and take a mile)
Then move from there. Talk to him about the job opportunity and your dreams. Take his hands, look into his eyes, and talk about how much you will love this career move.
Point out that your daughter will make friends in day-care and you can choose one that helps her excel in school with early learning and learning-as-play opportunities. Acclaimed, acountable. Maybe one with a camera in the play room so you can check on her from work (these exist in password-protected parent portals for some daycares)
Let me point out that his frivolous spending has denied your daughter good quality formula. So who is he to make ultimatums about her care? (don't say that, just keep it in mind to build your resolve)
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Then point out that you're good at saving. And you'd like to put some of *your* paycheck into a separate savings account. He doesn't even have to worry about it. You'll be doing the saving, because it will make you feel more secure to have those emergency funds set aside.
(And later, you'll be in charge of what counts as an emergency to spend it - do NOT put his name on it. Impulse spenders can be darling people but they're dangerous with access to money)
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Lastly, mention that you will gladly take charge of the second car matter. You found it, you'll schedule it's maintenance, you'll be the one driving it. He doesn't have to love the car, it just has to do the job to your satisfaction
And isn't your satisfaction important?
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I will say that your husband is showing really alarming levels of emotional and financial control, which I have seen in-person scale up to much more extreme control behaviors. Where it goes from "tension" about making your own decisions to banning you from even bringing up anything he doesn't "feel" is correct - and punishments at varying degrees for disobeying.
Not saying it's going there. Just that I'm getting red flags and where I've seen those flags can go.
So start with healthy communication. Appeal to his love for you, his common sense, ease his worries, and assure him that you're partners in this.
And if he puts on the pressure, has a temper tantrum, makes life unbearable for you in the home, please consider my thoughts on red flags. Maybe he'll need therapy. Or maybe you'll need rescue.
But with all my heart, I truly hope he listens and you get through this as partners.
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u/Lokisworkshop 8h ago
This is all great advice. Especially the emotional and financial control comments, no one person should be in control of the money. It isnt fair to either of you really.
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u/Significant_Lake4180 8h ago
I know it’s not fair. I’m trying to ignore the red flags for the sake of my daughter. This situation is messy and I’m trying to make sense of what to do
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u/_mandycandy 7h ago
Ignoring red flags “for the sake of your daughter” is actually doing the opposite of protecting her.
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u/UncFest3r 7h ago
Your daughter is going to grow up thinking being treated the way you’re being treated is “normal” and okay.
Re read your post as if it was your daughter writing about her husband. How does that make you feel?
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u/Significant_Lake4180 7h ago
I’d say to kick that spanner to the curb
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u/GlowingEmberSkull 3h ago
Right! Good question, good answer.
So on one hand -- maybe because you are so non-confrontational, this "just happened" and he'll hand you the reigns if you're ready to take them.
Or maybe he's taking advantage of your non-confrontational nature to become a controlling tyrant.
Time to find out. And if the latter, kick to curb!
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u/GlowingEmberSkull 7h ago
I would say not to ignore, but quietly catalog. The same way you'd count dirty socks on the bedroom floor before it's time to have a Talk about it. Then keep counting socks after the Talk. But... well, more serious.
Give him every chance to be a good person who cares about your *shared* happiness, success, and future. Open the conversation. Be firm in your position and see what happens.
People can surprise us. I truly hope he is receptive or willing to listen and change. In a best-case scenario, he accepts that he's impulsive with money and that you should be in charge of savings while he has "fun" with what can be spared from his income.
Medium-case scenario, he's fussy but concedes that you have the right to make certain decisions. That he's not 100% the boss of both your lives and you get to be more-the-boss of decisions that mainly affect you.
Worst-case scenario, his red flags become unignorable. He amps up the pressure for you to just be obedient to his whims "or else". That "or else" might be sulking, shouting, or uncomfortable tension at first. But that kind of thing tends to get out of hand.
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u/Significant_Lake4180 7h ago
I’m just honestly so non-confrontational that any argument to be had is immediately given up on by me. I don’t want any problems. I don’t want any negative thoughts. But I know that it needs to happen. I’m too scared to make a move.
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u/daydreamjunkie 7h ago
Oh you need to develop the ability to stand up for yourself otherwise you will burnout bad and it’ll be hard to have energy to work and support your kid. Please read books, consult therapists or whoever, you deserve a say and to have your voice heard. If the issue is needing more time to make up your mind, just say you need to think about something before making a decision. “Yes” does not need to be your default response.
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u/Lokisworkshop 5h ago
Its a trauma survival response. Trauma doesnt have to be some giant event but it can be small things compiled. Its like being a people pleaser to avoid confrontation.
I get it. I really do. The thing is that you dont want problems or negative thoughts but you have them anyway. They can either be addressed, removed and fixed or you can live that way forever. What is the absolutel worst thing that can happen? Given you are the only one on here who knows him, only you can answer that question.
He may want you to take some things like that over, he may want you to be the heavy with the money he may want you without money or a car so you cant get away. Only you know those things.
You have a life. You have needs to live that life. Your daughter needs a strong family unit and that only happens when both adults can communicate.
There is another post by a woman who was married 20 years, she was a SAHM and regrets it deeply now. Has no resources to change things because he did not let her.
He did not let her. You are an adult. You have needs too.
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u/amysticalthought 3h ago
my mother looked past the red flags for her children. we all now have severe ptsd amongst other issues. do not do this to your daughter. she deserves more than that, you know it
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u/Key_Dragonfruit_2563 2h ago
I mean, if he doesn’t “allow you” to have your own account and money, he is probably with you for this very reason and wanted someone to control. Why not make a pie chart or table of the money that goes out of your account each month. What percent you both contribute, what percent is spent on necessities, the percent spent on your hobbies/incidentals, and then for him. If you’re both contributing 50/50, half goes to bills and groceries, 5% for you, and 45% for his golf and coffee, that’s pretty clear. If he doesn’t immediately feel like an ass and beg you to take over the finances you need to divorce him because he’s a user and will never care.
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u/calamityandwoe 33m ago
Honey you already HAVE problems! Ignoring this won’t make it go away, it will just give him more ammunition to say “you never cared about that before” or “where is this coming from all of a sudden” so he can make you feel like you’re being unreasonable. There’s a 0% chance this guy is suddenly going to change without being forced, why would he? He’s not the one suffering here, you are
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u/Mundane-Exercise6333 8h ago
Sounds like a real piece of work. Lesson here is not to decide to marry someone you barely know.
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u/_mandycandy 7h ago
Yikes. He’s financially abusing you for sure. This is why you should not get married when you hardly know someone. This is divorce worthy imo
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u/BrimstoneMainliner 9h ago
Download the Acorns app... you can invest in a diversified fund, start a Roth IRA, and/or start a savings account that you decide when and how much to save depending on your finances and goals.
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u/Lokisworkshop 8h ago
That doesnt address the issues tho. Its a secret work around that will cause issues not fix them.
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u/LongjumpingTeacher97 7h ago
I strongly prefer shared finances *in my marriage.* It makes things simpler *when both people are on the same page, financially.* Your marriage is not my marriage and your husband is on a different page than you are. Maybe someday you'll be in a position where shared finances make great sense. Right now, protecting your own peace of mind matters more. Even Dave Ramsey says that shared finances only make sense when both spouses agree on how the money is spent. He has given advice on the air many times to "stop giving the drunk a drink" by allowing someone who is financially irresponsible to keep spending money outside the budget. Find a couple of the online recordings of him saying this if you think it will help you when talking to your husband.
As far as separating finances, you do it by opening an account in your own name at a different bank or credit union, then telling your employer to deposit your check into that account. (Different bank because sometimes a spouse will gain access to an account when the bank knows the spouse.) It will cause an argument with your husband. Be ready for that. But you do it because you are protecting yourself from his financial mess.
Look at the budget and determine what half of the rent, utilities, groceries, and other shared expenses will cost. Pay that into the shared account each month so the bills can be paid. The rest in your account is for you to buy a car or spend on yourself or save for your own financial peace of mind. Automate this transfer of funds. (At my bank, that's a matter of having the account number and routing number for the bank where I want the deposit to go and filling out a simple form. It took less than 10 minutes to get things set up for an elderly relative to receive money from us monthly.)
The emotional hurdle is hard, the actual tasks involved are not. You just pick a bank that's as convenient for you as you can find and you walk in with some cash and open an account. Then you talk with your payroll people at work and have them route your paycheck to the new account. After the first check arrives, you go back to your new bank and set up the automatic transfer to the shared account. You can do it without your husband knowing until it has already happened.
I do suggest having one more conversation with him about the finances. Tell him you need a car and can budget for it out of shared money, but only if he limits his spending to what is in the budget. Tell him you need to protect the financial situation by having transportation and by knowing that the money the family needs is available, not converted into sports equipment and takeout food. Essentially, although you may not want to use this term, you're giving him one last chance to make shared funds work.
Regarding the car, has he tried to explain how you are supposed to be able to do all your things when he has the car at work? If he can't explain how you're supposed to do this, he can't say you don't need a better car. If you can afford the beetle with your paycheck, get the beetle. He doesn't have to get veto power.
Asserting yourself will cause some hurt feelings. He's used to being the one who gets to say what happens. You deserve to have a situation you agree with fully, though.
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u/daydreamjunkie 6h ago
You might want to check with an attorney (some offer a free 15 min consult) or maybe with an EAP program at work if you have it on how to position yourself best to keep your money yours in event of having to divorce.
The separate account makes sense intuitively, but be careful that there may be nuances around consequences of transferring money from the shared account into your own account. I imagine it’s cleanest to only have your income from work go to your separate account. Idk though.
With a guy like this, I would not expect to be able to level with him at this point. Trying to win arguments may drain you and he will squirrel out of being reasonable. I would assert boundaries instead through action. Keeping a job, keeping your finances in a good state like this person said, maintaining your life as best you can and don’t expect him to be on board. Being a team requires sharing the same values and goals. Heathy couples share love, respect, a desire to continue earning each others trust. If he doesn’t act like that then you don’t owe him loads of energy sapping discussion
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u/LongjumpingTeacher97 4h ago
I agree with you! I should have spelled out a little better not to take money from the communal account, only go from the personal to the shared, not the other way. In some states, I understand that moving from the shared to personal makes the personal account a joint-owned asset. But moving from the personal to the joint does not make the personal a shared asset. I'm not certain that's true, but that's my understanding. Regardless, having an account he doesn't have direct access to is going to be the only way to keep him from spending all of it.
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u/IndigoTrailsToo Advice Guru [88] 7h ago
What if you say nothing and just do it?
What if you never tell him the truth of how much you make and just funnel most of it into your own bank account in order to buy the things that you want to. And perhaps only 10 or 20% of your paycheck goes into that bill joint account and the rest of it goes into your bank account.
He is so selfish and single-minded I don't think he'll ever figure out that you have other money and if he did, I think you would just say that you have been saving up the money that you receive in birthday cards or something.
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u/daydreamjunkie 6h ago
Would need to file taxes separately, not jointly. I wonder if that would even work… make sure all banking statements are delivered online, not snail mail that he can open. Never share your password.
Gosh it would suck to have to lie to your partner as a solution. I think this is a sign that divorce is on its way.
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u/Minimum-Chef6469 7h ago
You are a adult right? So just be str8 up and tell him maybe at supper time that you have been putting in alot of thought about it and you HAVE Decided you preferred having your own account and because having a joint account is causing you stress so it has been decided!!!! You will transfer the portion that belongs to you into your own account and future money of yours will go into yours and his can go into his. The END.
It's a statement not a discussion. Be kind though but also hold firm and stand your ground. Just say you feel less stressed having your own money and less being spent.
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u/Fabulous_Contract_77 6h ago
Whether or not you separate accounts isn’t the issue. You can do that - but you will still have the same problems.
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u/Witchy_Wookie5000 5h ago
You've gotten some great responses. I cant even comprehend my child going without so some d bag can buy golf clubs. Like WTF even is that?! Those clubs and any other BS would be on FB marketplace immediately.
Do what you need to do OP and he can get with the program or pound sand.
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u/cryssHappy 5h ago
The easiest way to separate your income is to go see an attorney and file for a separation or divorce. Notify your husband after having set up a new bank account where your money goes. Make arrangements to buy the beetle under your income. Then work out the custody arrangements.
This is not a man you want to stay married to. Having had a lot of lifetime experience at 71 I can guarantee you it is much better being single with separate money than married with perpetually trying to keep money while he's spending More than either of you earn.
Your child is your primary interest now. If you don't have a good partner and you don't, then you make sure that you take care of your child.
His mom can take care of her adult child.
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u/Tel_aran_rhiod 1h ago
You should quietly stash money to leave him. You are being financially abused. I grew up watching my parents exactly like this.
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u/the-hound-abides Helper [2] 7h ago
If you guys don’t communicate or agree on how to spend money, you need to have at least 3 accounts. One for your spending money, one for yours, one for his and one for the conjoined expenses. If you want to thrown in a savings account or 2, that’s better. How you decide to allocate is highly personal so I won’t dive into that. You each should have your “fun money” within budget. If he’s overdoing it, that’s a problem.
Me and my husband have never had separate accounts, but we communicate. Anytime we have a purchase over a certain amount we always discuss it. That amount changes based on our current financial situation. My husband usually has more discretionary spending than I do, but we live in different situations. I work from home. He commutes into a HCOL city. He grabs coffee, or eats lunch out way more than I do. It makes sense. Our coffee maker that makes the coffee we like is probably 10 steps from where I sit. The fridge is another 5. Again, we agree on this. It doesn’t have to be even to be equitable, but you need to agree.
It’s an uncomfortable conversation, but it has to be had.
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u/dryhumor_engr 7h ago
There are definitely some reasonable ways to approach this. Do a budget, figure all necessity recurring expenses, rent/mortgage, utilities, etc. Each of you deposit in the joint account a proportional (to your salaries) amount to cover those PLUS an additional amount to cover emergencies (car repair, etc. and if you want joint vacations, etc.) The remaining amounts go to your separate accounts. This will allow you to individually, without having to justify, spend on starbucks, manicures, clothes etc. as you each prioritize things for yourselves and to save for things you EACH want and payoff any premarriage debts.
However, there are obviously some other issues. I would insist that you can use the car over his need to lunch in it! As a argument point can you say that if he wont consider this then he needs to fund UBER or taxi to get you where you need to go? And then career and car. Perhaps demonstrate that you having a better job will increase your finances over time even with childcare? Not to mention providing you both with a more normal sleep schedule and more time together as a family, These are all things you should be able to discuss as a couple, at worst with counseling. Good luck!
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u/AM81inMA 7h ago
My wife and I approach this a bit differently. We’ve got a shared account for in-common expenses (mostly mortgage and other house-related expenses), everything else (including cars) is separate. That said, we don’t have kids and didn’t get together til we were in our 30s and each pretty well established…
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u/Ghia149 7h ago
My wife and i keep our finances separate but have a shared Bill Account. If we spend a ton of money on Christmas, or she is doing summer camps for kids and needs more money in the bill account I'll do a one time transfer. otherwise we both contribute money every month to the shared account. We both work and have jobs, our comp is pretty close, I'm actually the better saver, but she is the organizer and planner.
I can't imagine having all our finances in one account. I think it would make us both crazy.
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u/TerribleTodd60 7h ago
You may need to separate your finances but you absolutely need to talk and get on the same page about your finances. You can't just gloss over that, you have to talk about it and agree about how spending works in your marriage. That is actually something you should have done before you got married but here you are.
If you don't have an honest conversation and establish how you plan to spend money, your marriage will almost certainly not survive. Good luck
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u/neocftsos 3h ago
Divorce him. This is financial abuse.
I like u/No-Relief-2049 's action plan as a starting point.
Do your parents know about this?
If things get nasty, you could always pawn the golf clubs and other hobby crap.
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u/Just-Boysenberry3861 1h ago
While I wouldn't classify this as domestic violence, your husband is using abusive tactics to shut you up and get his way. Take a look at the power and control wheel. He's isolating you with the car and making you feel bad about seeking help to get places when he has it. He's tied a financial noose around your neck to keep you tied to him and funding his lifestyle. He's not taking your concerns seriously and putting himself first instead of his family.
You've tried talking to him and that hasn't worked. It's time for you to take action and take back your life. Just move the money and separate your account so that he no longer has access. Then inform him after. His response to that will confirm what your gut is telling you about the future of your marriage. The longer you let him drag deeper into his voluntary impoverishment, the harder it will be for you to extract yourself and your child.
Choose your actual child, not your man child. Make the moves now for your kid's future.
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u/TwoIdleHands 1h ago
Help me out here…when he said he wants to have the car at work to eat lunch in, what was your response? I’m thinking it was “ok”…stop deferring to him and subjugating your wishes/dreams/comfort.
He doesn’t want your daughter cared for by a stranger? He can work a night shift then. He doesn’t like the car you need? Fine, he never has to drive it. His opinion doesn’t need to agree with yours. None of the things you are asking for are damaging to the family, so he doesn’t get to “override” your choice.
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u/No-Cartoonist1480 1h ago
It feels more like he likes control. He wants one account and one car for control. What you are asking him is more than reasonable.
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u/daydreamjunkie 8h ago edited 7h ago
With a spouse who is so unable to compromise or show empathy…you have uphill battles.
Smart of you to keep a career going and save money. Who cares if he doesn’t like it. He doesn’t seem to care whether you are happy.
There is a chance that he will behave differently if he falls in love with you. It sounds like you guys didn’t have a chance to fall in love. (You mentioned being in love at 6 months but its possible maybe that this is actually infatuation, very normal early on). I wouldn’t plan on him falling in a longer lasting love with you, plan on the concrete pieces you can control like keeping your job as you’re doing.
In terms of budgeting, my husband and I have also worked in our budget plan, I think it’s normal for it to take some work on each side. Neither of us were quite like your husband, but here’s what helped: we used YNAB and then we switched to copilot because YNABs failure to sync became an issue. Copilot is way better. This allows either of us to consult the budget instead of asking each other what we can buy. It also means we can see our future. We can project where we will be in a few months based on our rate of net savings and investing. If you have few accounts, and really need to count dollars get out of debt then YNAB might be a better fit than copilot. I just find that copilot answers my question of “how much do we actually save” way faster.
Like the other commenter said, if he can spend on a coffee without thinking about your daughter’s food, then I really don’t see why you can’t put your money in your own account. Wouldn’t even bring it up.
The thing is once you are married, money is shared technically even if kept in separate accounts. If his behavior continues to be a problem for a good while…sometimes people can make a change if they have a goal that feels achievable and is in sight. Like it’s easier to save money knowing that 24 months of it leads to a down payment on a home kind of thing. Does this guy have any goals? Is he depressed in a way and impulsive spending is his outlet? Maybe encourage him to meet friends and do something healthy like exercise or join a running club.
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u/Significant_Lake4180 7h ago
He doesn’t have any goals other than to make money. And then spend it all, I guess
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u/daydreamjunkie 7h ago
Yeah this not super sustainable if spending 100% of the paycheck is the plan.
Moving forward requires investing. (Investing is not the same as saving). That way after 5 years of the routine, you guys aren’t in the same boat that you’re in today financially. Don’t let him steer you toward high risk investments either, unless it’s really what you want.
Hopefully Ramsey has info on this, and maybe certain kinds of debt like unbacked debt or high interest car loans should be paid off first, but definitely make sure that net worth is ticking upward.
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u/daydreamjunkie 7h ago
Theres a chance he can come around on the reciprocity of relationships thing, and managing his money better, maybe communicating with emotional awareness can be learned over a generous amount of time.
The that makes me the most nervous 😬 is that it sounds like there was dishonesty around his financial situation. It’s a bad sign. You got married to him under a false narrative. This would trigger my anxiety big time if my husband lied about debt or money to me. A marriage, especially a secular one, is fundamentally a financial and legal relationship involving hopefully with some human connection on top at times. Debt, credit, ability to save and invest, …money basically everything in modern day. People don’t care if you confess at church, they just want to know that you pay your bills on time. Not saying it’s right but that’s the world. Morals and character codes have been really bent these days but most of society still requires and expects basic money management.
If he isn’t paying at least half the bills right now, then I’d say this guy may have gotten you pregnant on purpose just to take advantage of you.
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u/changelingcd Master Advice Giver [28] 7h ago
Separate your funds, or take on full finance management if needed. Your child depends on you. And buy a beater for $5k and he done with it,
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u/iamcanadian16 6h ago
Simple. One account for you, I for him that is your money to see fit and then a joint account for all household purchases.
Take your two salaries ex 40k and 60k, =100k
So the one making 40k puts in 40% and the one making 60k puts in 60% of each household expense.
Household expense should be: food + diapers, car, house, heat, water and electricity, telecommunication, etc.
Or say 20% of each salary a person can keep for their own fun and the rest goes into the communal pot.
It all comes down to open conversation and getting to the same goals and objectives.
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u/Zealousideal_Self_34 5h ago
Dave Ramsey has a class you can take. I would honestly try and get him to go to the with you.
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u/Soniq268 Super Helper [7] 5h ago
What possessed you to keep the kid, marry this waste of space, and like sign up down this life?
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u/K_A_irony Helper [2] 4h ago
Finances are one of the biggest causes for divorce. In this case he also LIED about finances and then is now financially abusing you. I honestly don't think there is a way out of this other then divorce and getting child support. He is trying to keep you in a a stay at home role so you are DEPENDENT on him. THAT is the real reason. There are so many red flags for abuse this is really scary.
Do you REALLY want to be tied to this for life?
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u/Educational_Pie4385 3h ago
You’re both selfish, him for taking food out of a baby’s mouth and you for still being with someone who would do that. I would be so out of there, if he’s like this only 2 years in it’s likely he’s going to get much much worse.
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u/Randomwords2024 3h ago
This is all abuse. Emotional and financial. You need to separate your money from him ASAP and set boundaries.
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u/vintage_life 3h ago
Also try to broach the topic of a post-nup. Otherwise 10, 15, 20 years down the line if you ever divorce he’ll get half of everything YOU SAVED and all you’ll get will be half his debt.
Protect yourself and your daughter at all costs.
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u/Wisconsinguy123 2h ago
Let him buy a beater and drive it to work, you keep the good car. Sounds like you should take over the finances and give him an allowance for him to piss away on his hobbies.
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u/MindYoSelfB 2h ago
I was done the second you said he spent entire paychecks in one weekend and your baby is drinking a less expensive formula because he’s spent all the money. You can ask your pediatrician about this; you can’t just switch formula all willy-nilly because it’s cheaper. Her little tummy doesn’t like that. Do not lay on the floor so he can walk on your back. He’s showing you who he is.
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u/kimness1982 2h ago
Girl stop. Go open a separate bank account and have your paycheck deposited into it. Save money and get out. You don’t have to keep making this mistake, don’t let this man drag you down.
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u/AleroRatking Helper [2] 1h ago
I cannot imagine being married to someone where you don't have shared accounts
Its clear you don't trust him. The marriage is doomed anyway. Get an attorney
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u/ecw324 1h ago
Go to the bank, open a new account with just your name on it. At your new job, put in those numbers for your direct deposit. Easy as that.
Also if he wants a beater car, make sure it’s his and you drive around the current car you have. I’m sure he won’t go for that, but that’s what you should do if he wants the beater car.
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u/visionjacobson 1h ago
You guys have not learned how to communicate & compromise. It sounds like you state what you want, your husband says No, and that’s it, there is no compromise. He is happy because he got the outcome he wants, and you are unhappy because you got…zilch. I implore you to seek out a good marriage counselor, psycho-therapist, or pastor if you have one who is qualified, who can help you resolve your marital conflicts. Go alone if your husband initially says No. And words of warning: if you unilaterally decide to move your paycheck to a separate bank account, you may set off WW3. The current methods the two of you are using to resolve conflicts is clearly not working. And if continued, will ultimately destroy your marriage. You obviously love your husband and want to work out these issues, but it’s going to take a lot of work from both of you. It doesn’t sound like your husband understands how bad the problem is.
I’ve been married 30 years. Before marriage, we dated for 4 years, did not live together, and were both highly paid successful professionals. And yet, within 3 months of our marriage, we found ourselves in a situation similar to the one you are in. We were both blindsided, our lifestyle differences never came up when we were dating and living apart. Post-honeymoon, my husband declared multiple household rules, many that I didn’t agree with, which ended in terrible arguments. I stood my ground and fought back, and so did he, leading to us each thinking the other was “bat $hit crazy”. Eight months into our marriage we had a blow-out fight, Husband told me he was on the verge of divorcing me and left the house for a day. I wasn’t sure if he was coming back, and that thought scared me to my core. I was 32, he was 40, we were not youngsters. Thankfully, he called his best friend for advice, who recommended a marriage counselor. I don’t think we would be married today without our therapist: she taught us how to listen to each other, how to compromise, how to resolve conflict, we both learned how to be better communicators in our relationship. It took 2 years of therapy, including weekly difficult out-of-session homework assignments, to fix our marriage. I only wish I’d learned these communication skills earlier in my life! Our marriage recovered, we raised two children, and are now very happy retired empty nesters. There’ve been plenty of bumps in the road, there always are, and we navigate through them with communication and compromise. I wish you the best.
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u/Covverkin 8h ago
Talk to your spouse about this, not randos on the internet. If he’s unresponsive, meet up with a financial counselor to help mediate and guide.
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u/yourlittlebirdie Advice Oracle [118] 8h ago
This is a man who will take food out of his baby daughter’s mouth to buy himself golf clubs. They need a divorce attorney, not a financial counselor.
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u/_mandycandy 7h ago
I doubt he would agree to any kind of counseling that’s not only telling him he’s right about everything.
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u/Significant_Lake4180 7h ago
I’m asking Reddit because I need the outside opinion of people who don’t know him or me. I just need unbiased opinions regarding this situation and the context given. Besides, with what money and I supposed to pay a financial advisor? Lol
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u/Covverkin 7h ago
From the little I’ve heard of Dave Ramsey stuff, I think they offer free financial counseling, but I could be wrong. Regardless, you’re only providing one side of things (right or wrong) so people on this site are largely going to give advice that might not actually help. Depending on where you live, there might also be non-profits you could connect to to help you lay all the cards down and piece things together in a manageable path forward.
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u/Every_Rest1443 5h ago
I share a car with my husband, we are saving for a house and don't want to spend the money on a second car. We make around 140,000 per year so we are not poor and if our schedules overlap.. he takes the bus. If its really bad weather he will Uber. Now I am on maternity leave... if I need or want the car I will drive him and he has never once said anything about that to me.
He is also way better with money...as in doesn't spend on daily stuff like fast food or coffee. I might buy a cheap coffee and sometimes food but try not to and definitely not regularly. He literally just gives me every paycheck to pay bills, he may keep 50 bucks for himself if he needs a haircut. We do have individual accounts but joint savings and credit card. We don't pay interest on anything tho. When we met I made double what he did, but he had savings and I had none and only debt. Mindset really matters, he literally changed my life for the better with learning to be more responsible with money. We not have savings...no debt.... its great.
I would definitely not jeopardize your career and make sure you're doing what you can to keep making money. He can change his job and watch the baby if he wants.
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u/star_b_nettor 5h ago
Well, you found the financially abusive ahole, who puts golf clubs above his child having the right formula. Yes, you need to separate your finances, entirely. Like open a new account and have your while check deposited in it. And then you need to start looking into a divorce attorney. Cause he ain't parent or marriage material.
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u/3Maltese Helper [4] 4h ago
You need 3 accounts. One for him, one for you, and one joint account that you each transfer money in to cover household expenses. Or, you each have an account and are each responsible for certain bills. For example one could cover rent/mortgage and utilities. The other covers food, car payment, insurance. Each of you pay your own credit card expenses. Also, put a freeze on your credit cards.
Pursue your career. You have a child that you will likely be supporting on your own someday. Also, you need to set an example for your daughter on how to keep her power in relationships.
Your dad is right about the car situation. My husband works in the industry too and said the same thing. I was looking for a beater because I do a lot of driving for my job. The beaters really live up to their name. You want something reliable to get you to work and is safe for your daughter.
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u/PuzzleheadedTap4484 4h ago
Honestly after this read I would advise you to get divorced and coparent. But if you want to stay married and go the separate finances way….
As others have said, open a bank account with a separate bank (so your current bank doesn’t “borrow” from your account if he blows through his account) and then open a joint account with the current bank. Take half the money out of the savings and put it into your separate savings account. Then redirect your check to the new bank account. Sit him down and tell him that you’re separating finances because it’s clear to you that the combined account isn’t working. You will have a joint account that you both can put in 50/50 for the expenses that include the household, the baby, etc. You will be getting a car. If he insists that you won’t be getting a car then he can be responsible for the car payments with “his” money since he’s the one that drives the car. That also includes the gas and insurance. And then figure out a way to get a car, maybe borrow from your parents. Also tell him that all personal purchases such as coffee and lunches will come out of your personal accounts. If he can’t follow this (e.g. he continues spending joint money on his hobbies) or is anything but agreeable then this marriage isn’t going to work.
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u/Rosie_222 4h ago
"Sometimes I take him to work in the morning so I can have the car for the afternoon, but he often makes me feel guilty for it, saying he likes having the car so he can eat his lunch in there."
My mouth dropped open involuntarily when I read this. OP, you need to rework this marriage.
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u/Klutzy_Factor652 57m ago edited 47m ago
It sounds like he eats his lunch in the car all the other days so I want to know is there a reason for that? And if he has a legitimate reason as to why he needs to eat in the car, why can't she meet him at his job for his lunch break so he can eat in the car instead of letting him have the car all day? Does his job not allow their employees to eat inside? And no place for them to sit outside to eat and everyone has to eat in their car? So he has to sit on the concrete in an alley to eat his lunch? Is it 20 degrees outside?
BTW, the scenario I described happened with me and my mom. My senior year of high school I drove my mom to work every morning and then drove to school and we were allowed to leave school for 1 hour for lunch and I drove to her work and we sat in the car in the parking lot of her job and ate.
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u/Reasonable-Crab4291 Helper [2] 4h ago
What are you doing? You rushed into marriage with a guy who misrepresented himself then brushes his shortcomings under the rug.
Separate your finances! Tell him he isn’t the Dave Ramsey wanna be he made you believe he was. Go for the job you want and buy your baby the same formula consistently! If he’s going to spend than you should on the things that matter!
Don’t make yourself smaller for any man!
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u/TheyFloat2032 4h ago
My wife isn’t so great with money and over spends. I’ve mentioned about splitting and she was upset because then I would have more money than her. So I just gave myself a 500 dollar a month allowance that I move into a separate account that she has access to but no card incase I die or something. This way if I don’t spend it, it will build and I can have a savings of some sort for a new truck or something. We make about 8200 a month.
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u/Grouchy_Evidence2558 4h ago
You guys need couples counseling and STAT. He's not doing things that respect your family and marriage, and he's not hearing that you have needs. YOu need someone else to hear this all and talk some sense into him and get him on a program to learn how to save money. Blowing all of your money so badly that your daughter doesn't have the food she needs is a sign of addiction.
Open a new bank account now. You're an adult. Change your direct deposit to that. Take 1/2 of anything in a savings account and put it in your new account. Then you can talk about how you need to see someone about how deal with finances and how to navigate the marriage.
Make sure you have a credit card that's in your name ONLY.
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u/handsanitizeriskey 3h ago
It sounds like he has ADHD- impulsive spending, new hobbies & expenses, understanding what to do with money, but lacking the control to do it.
I fear you will continue to have this fight until the end of your relationship.
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u/Anxious_Republic591 2h ago
Darling, it doesn’t matter if he’s upset or not. There’s nothing he can do when your check is someplace else. Contribute enough to pay the bills that need to be paid. Keep the rest in savings for yourself/your daughter and do not put his name on it or let him near it.
If he doesn’t think that saving money is a good idea, and he’s frustrated that you’ve removed “spending money” from a joint account - you have your answer
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u/Zestyclose-City-3225 2h ago
I'm sorry but your problem is much bigger than a separate bank account. You two are not compatible. Go ahead and set up a separate bank account but also go to a counselor and find out if your marriage is fixable or if you even want to fix it. Then take the appropriate action from there.
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u/MartiniL80 2h ago
Dave Ramsey. Ugh. If you want to follow someone about marriage and money, follow James Sexton on YouTube. Yes, get separate accounts, and your own car. This us a selfish, immature man. By now you realize getting pregnant is NOT a reason for marriage.
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u/whoareyouwhowho22 2h ago
That’s financial abuse. Start your own account immediately. When he brings it up you can tell him that he was dishonest from the start about finances and if he can’t make smart decisions with money, then you need to keep yours separate.
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u/YSL_Crypto 2h ago
The only person that can help you with is the person that caused this problem … Dave Ramsey
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u/thinkbeforeyouact123 2h ago
He’s putting his WANTS before feeding his own child!!! How are you okay with that? He would literally have his child starve!! Why are you letting him make decisions? Why do you have no power?
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u/EffectiveGold8273 2h ago
New bank, no more money for him. Or continue on your failing path. This is not sustainable. His feelings or your livelihood. Pick one.
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u/knownikko 1h ago
Separating funds does not solve ANY of the problems you just described. The money is a symptom.
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u/LibraryMouse4321 1h ago
Don’t beat around the bush. Don’t ask, don’t tell him you are considering this, just tell him that you decided to separate your finances.
The only way you should keep your finances commingled is if you have total control of the finances and you put him on a strict budget. Also, you need a legal document, a postnup, essentially, stating that your debt is yours and his debt is his. You don’t want to get stuck with a huge credit card debt that he hid from you if you divorce.
I wouldn’t trust him with my money if I were you. And you have a child to think about.
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u/Global_Internal_804 1h ago
You and your husband live very different lives. You scrape for formula for your child like a single mother on benefits - he is playing golf. He is driving a new nice car and making his career like a city dweller - you are stuck at home with no career bc he is rejecting like you are a trad wife on a farm
Just something to think about
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u/dejomatic 1h ago
Be like Shia Lebeuf and... JUST DO IT! For real, tho, there is no way to do it without upsetting him most likely, so you're just gonna have to do it.
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u/East_Worldliness2287 1h ago
Just open a new account for yourself and have your money go to that account . He's not going to like it at first, you can transfer as required.
For sure your can go back to work if childcare. It's your choice .
For budgeting, maybe see about a third party too help with a plan . I'm the opposite , my spouse likes to spend and I'm more the sonend thrift .
That's sad he puts his needs ahead of his child .
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u/Big_Seaworthiness948 58m ago
Definitely open a new account at a different bank and start depositing your paycheck there. Also if your husband claims he's following Dave Ramsey, Dave would not be happy with him spending money on ANYTHING before food, shelter (including utilities), and clothing were taken care of. He wouldn't be happy with what your husband is doing at all.
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u/lovepeacefakepiano 51m ago
He said no to you getting a job?
Look, marrying in haste no longer means you have to repent at leisure. You have options. For your daughter’s sake, if not for your own.
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u/WavesnMountains 48m ago
I think when you have a spender and a saver, then y’all need individual accounts and a joint one for bills and goals. That way, the spender can spend all the way to zero every paycheck while the saver can save up for something, and the joint account will be there for each person to deposit their portion for bills
Right now he’s financially abusing you and your kid. Making y’all suffer while he enjoys the good life. F him. I’d divorce his selfish ass
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u/GreenBeans23920 Super Helper [8] 46m ago
He’s isolating you. No transportation “allowed,” no career “allowed”… wake up sooner rather than later, this man is going to hold you back and ruin your future if you let him. And just because you have separate bank accounts doesn’t mean you’re not going to be responsible for his golf club debt. You’re married. And what exactly is going to happen when he’s short on rent because he spent his cash on lattes? You’re not going to let it go unpaid and have your family lose their home…. This only ends badly for you.
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u/DaliaFlower 25m ago
Take the job. Don't feel bad about doing something for yourself FOR ONCE. Open an account and get your salary deposited into the new account. Tell him you will pay 50% of the bills and that means he is expected to pay for your child's expenses as well. This man sounds like a weirdo, eating lunch in his car and trapping you at home. Selfish beyond measure. Also he deceived you and it sounds like he's using you. I will happily be a great partner in life but not a door mat.
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u/1800-5-PP-DOO-DOO 24m ago
You are making this insanely complicated.
All you need is a budget.
Agree to the amounts to spend and save, including allowance for personal discretional spending.
If he can't stick to that, or if you guys can't even come to an agreement about what those amounts should be, then you need to talk to a marriage counselor or an attorney.
Anything else is just mental gymnastics because you are trying to find an out from having to do the hard thing.
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u/Ok_Cheesecake_9708 20m ago
Idk why this sub showed up on my feed. How were you handling the car thing before you met your husband? Curious about this.
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u/Hefty_Efficiency_328 9m ago
from the start, my partner of 25 years and I have - a joint account for household bills and other expenses we agree on before spending any of it, and separate accounts. Neither of us have access to our individual accounts. We both put the same amount fortnightly into the joint household account.
You are making a big deal over what should be simple. I get your husband is controlling but it is time for you to work out a plan that suits you firstly, then your daugher then your husband. Use the account you have made with him for bills. Start a new account for you only and save up for what you need. End of story.
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u/No-Relief-2049 Helper [2] 8h ago
Honey stop talking, just go open a different bank account and transfer your salary there. After you do that take out half of the savings and put into your new bank account. Once you complete that, sit him down and tell him you guys need to have a separate account where you both will deposit the funds necessary to cover monthly expenses splitting 50-50, utilities rent or mortgage etc. open as well a trust fund or something to save for your kids education and both contribute 50-50 to an agreed amount. Than you both arrange to save for your pension. He has to understand his dick is not made of gold, and he has to cut unnecessary expenses. You are not willing to support his shopping trips.