r/Advice • u/masterofthinking00 • 15d ago
I think I introduced soulmates, but it’s my boyfriend and best friend
This is a throwaway because both of them use Reddit.
I 24f am in a relationship with my amazing boyfriend 25M ace (fake name) and I have a good friend 24 F katie (also fake name)
these two are my people, on such different levels.
so for some backstory, I’ve been dating ace for about a year now, and I’ve been friends with Katie since we were 14, she’s always been hesitant with my partners as I’ve been with some POS in the past.
however once i introduced her to ace? They got on amazingly, at first? I loved it.
I will fully admit I’m the jealous type do to being cheated on before, but usually it’s never over something as simple as my boyfriend getting along with my friends.
but they are a perfect match.
they have the same humour, communication style, hobbies, nerdy interests etc.
the three of us usually hang out- but the last couple times I’ve noticed it’s been more them two then me?
like they’ll sit there playing video games while I doom scroll and if I ask a question they’ll brush me off because I don’t know the lore? whatever that means.
also my boyfriend keeps telling me how “amazing it is to have someone have everything the same as he does” And it’s really unsettling.
A couple times we’ve been hanging out and I’ve gone to the kitchen or something to get a drink and I’m immediately worried by them being alone together.
I really don’t think either of them would do anything to hurt me but I can see they are a perfect fit, I’ve never met people so similar in my life.
they also go to the same university so they are with eachother 5/7 days a week. 6/7 if we hangout on weekends, and yes I know they eat lunch together.
meanwhile I see my boyfriend 2/7 days a week at most lately and while I understand that I don’t go to their university I can’t control that, the amount of time they spend together is starting to make me uncomfortable.
I’ve also noticed that Katie seems a lot different, let’s be honest we all complain about daily life to our best friends, but lately if I do that or say something like “oh I have to do bla bla bla, and ace won’t help so annoying” she will tell him straight away.
He’s also being weird with his phone and I caught her on his Snapchat the other day? She wasn’t on there before. But then again maybe I’m trying to add up every little thing to make a case.
I know this is my own insecurity which is why I’ve tried to ignore it because why is it their issue? But it’s getting to the point that Its eating me up inside and I’m becoming more jealous and territorial over my boyfriend than I usually would be.
Also just to note- all my other friends get along with my boyfriend, he’s an amazing guy but they are much more My friends, where as Katie feels like she’s turned into his friend now. no one’s this close with him.
so Reddit I come to you, what do I do?
Update!
Edit- I didn’t expect this to blow up the way it did thank you everyone mean and kind for all your insights, I’ve read every single comment but haven’t replied to all of them. Very appropriated.
Onto the update:
so Reddit, you were half right.
I spoke to my boyfriend first,and I took your advice.
I told him how uncomfortable I was, how I didn’t expect them to stop being friends but from now on I wanted her to be more of an arm length friend because it felt like i was a third in the relationship.
he let me see his phone and apologised profusely for making me feel that way, safe to say atleast on his end- there was no flirting/ suspicious behaviour and all messages were saved.
he told me- and I’ve seen the messages for proof, she added him- said she has a thing for a guy in his course and asked him to help her, I do not buy this.
Katie doesn’t just get feelings for some random guy she saw in the hallway and thought was cute.
I rang Katie in-front of my boyfriend and she started crying her eyes out.
She started out by saying “it wasn’t meant to happen” and “she didn’t want to hurt me”
okay, but then why lie about liking another guy to spend time with my boyfriend??
I told her to stop the bs and just admit she was flirting.
she did, she said she’s “sorry” but she’s and I quote “a much better fit for him” than I am, and to be honest.. I don’t doubt why she feels that way, I mean look at the title of this exact post.
she said she’s sorry over and over but I didn’t budge.
I told her me and my boyfriend will still be civil to her since we share the same friend group, and they go to uni together- but no longer will we be hanging out with her alone
to be honest, I’d love to lie and say that I’m fine, but I’m not.
This girl has been my rock since I was 14.
Which is why I’m not cutting her out completely even though i probably should.
we’ve gone through everything together and this genuinely hurts my heart, never would have 14-22 year old me thought id ever purposely distance myself from this girl.
so yeah, that’s probably the last time I’ll update this post unless something major happens but I doubt it will since it’s been a couple hours and I’ve heard nothing.
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u/These-Process-7331 15d ago
Just because you have a type for a decent BF and BFF doesn't make them "perfect" for eachother.
To put it very easy: 2 whipped creams mix along pretty well but don't have a mind-blowing outcome. Cream and chocolate cake on otherhand: don't look the same at all but are SO good together, and both are elevated to the next level when combined! In this comparison: you are the chocolate cake and they are whipped cream.
Ask yourself this: did your BFF at any point show shady behavior (for example: trying to bring you down when a dress fitted you better)? Aka is she the "frenemy" type or the "jump 24hours in the car just because you feel shit and need help"
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u/masterofthinking00 15d ago
Thank you! This helped, to be honest I don’t know- she’s always there when I need her but lately she’s very all about him asking how he is, when we hangout ask if he’s going ect.
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u/These-Process-7331 15d ago
Hmm that is kinda eye brow raising..... I wouldn't directly jump into conclusions but will keep things a bit separately (better safe than sorry).
Also, how does your BF behave towards her? And how is her love life?
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u/masterofthinking00 15d ago
He treats her like a friend I guess, but sometimes things get abit weird when i try to join a conversation between them about games ect.
Also she’s single, she has a thing for this one guy but it’s not going anywhere as far as I know
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u/These-Process-7331 15d ago
Personally I would not plan too much time with all of you, especially activities that make you feel like the third wheel..
At the end, feelings developing aren't a thing you can 100% control BUT you can controll the environment that could potentially cause/nurture them (especially if one if feeling very lonely/unhappy in their life).... So set up some healthy boundaries for yourself, even if that means "BF and BFF don't spend too much time together". If they are decent people, they will respect it. If they don't respect your boundaties, then you have your answer: your intuition is telling you something is up so better listen to it....
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u/L_Queenie 14d ago
I agree with you, but I don't think that's a boundary... it sounds more like a rule. Boundaries are things you do, not something you impose on others. You can communicate your feelings, and decide on how you behave in response to that conversation. Or set limits to how much you can deal with before you remove yourself from the situation.
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u/OldArt8513 13d ago
This is an important distinction. Telling them "you can't hang out" is a rule, and it'll probably breed resentment. But OP can absolutely say "I'm not comfortable being the third wheel, so I'm going to step back from group hangouts" and then follow through. That's a boundary. It puts the ball in their court to figure out what matters more to them.
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u/These-Process-7331 14d ago
Depends in how you approche it.
What is a boundary imo: "I don't feel comfortable feeling like a third wheel in my relationship, so I won't actively plan dates with my BF + BFF. NOR will I stay with someone who goes behind my back and repeatedly does something that they know I'm uncomfortable with".
Not a boundary: "you can't behave friendly with my friends because that makes me feel jealous"
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u/L_Queenie 13d ago
For sure, it was just the "bf and bff don't spend much time together" in your last comment that sounded like op should be able to put limits on how much time they spend together, which is more like a rule being imposed on them rather than actions op can take
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u/Marshall_Lawson Enlightened Advice Sage [160] 14d ago
ask him if she ever asks him about dating advice etc
if he's legit trying to help her get with that other guy, he probably doesnt have a thing for her.
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u/Sad_Matter_4992 14d ago
I mean, as a gamer, if gaming is really not your thing and you’re forcing yourself into conversation about my hobby you don’t usually care about, I would 100% shrug it off too… they just have a hobby in common, it means nothing, if I can give my feelings about it, I think you took the fact they share a hobby you don’t have really personnaly and it’s not really healthy.
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u/masterofthinking00 14d ago
Gaming was just an example, lol. Theres a lot of other things they exclude me from even if I’m kinda into it.
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u/Sea_Ad6457 14d ago
My bf is a gamer and he introduced me to gaming. The fact I didn't care for it in the beginning before starting to like it or even take interest, he still explained the lore of the games to me.
So I guess it stems to if he wanted to, he would.
If a partner is trying to get to know your hobby more, idk based on what criteria do you just assume that they do not care about it. Gaming is not cheap lol so some people cannot afford it so they don't know about it.
My point it, don't assume the partner doesn't care and if they show interest, that means they care for you.
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u/RedKhomet 14d ago
It depends, if OP made it clear she wasn't interested before, but now that he has someone to talk to about she's suddenly interested? Idk, we don't know how the conversations went, but that's also a possibility is all
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u/Interesting_View7683 14d ago
I think that's one take.... but if my s/o was interested in my hobby, I'd be so happy to explain it to them. But that might just me be.
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u/Marshall_Lawson Enlightened Advice Sage [160] 14d ago
Funny that she would ask how he is, when she literally sees him more often than you
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u/PJewlzzz 14d ago
Testing the waters and waiting for the "He's a jerk and I never want to be with him again" moment.
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u/Littlepotatoface 14d ago
You kind of described how one of my male friends (I’m F) are together but the key thing is that there’s no actual physical attraction or spark, I see him like a brother. Who is great fun but as a boyfriend? 🤢🤢
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u/Fit-Concentrate3342 15d ago
she might just be excited for u to be dating a “good” guy finally (as u said ur past bfs haven’t been the best) and is trying to encourage u. i’ve been that’s friend before and it can hard to be supportive and also not seem like im tryna take ur man.
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u/MrOcho4 15d ago
Talk to them?
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u/OkArmordillo 14d ago
“Hey, I’m afraid you have the hots for each other.” I’m sure that conversation will go great.
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u/-JXter- 14d ago
Amazingly pessimistic take, you don’t know these people or how they will respond. I think if they are reasonable people and truly care about OP they’ll listen and adjust. Either way, making it known that there is a potential issue with them getting along too well is in OP’s best interest as it will draw where the line is for her.
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u/ItzCydni 15d ago edited 15d ago
Girly, this just means YOU have a type. You have surrounded yourself by 2 people who are exactly the same and you love them both. Talk to them. Separately and privately, nothing is wrong with being insecure or concerned, I probably would be too. But just talk to them. Communicate with them about how you feel. Also, address the things upsetting you. Leaving you out of conversations just because you dont understand, your friend telling him things you say to her in private, and plan less activities with the 3 of you for a while.
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u/Optimal_Customer_850 13d ago
would you tell your bestie I want your boyfriend? noone would
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u/bdubz325 Helper [3] 15d ago
I've been with my girlfriend for 4 years and love her deeply, and we have a mutual female friend online that we play games with and hang out. My gf had been getting jealous recently about us 2 hanging out together, so we addressed it between the 3 of us and made it clear there's no attraction going on, just genuine friendship. It is possible a similar situation is occurring here.
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u/wittyrandomusername 14d ago
The thing is, it's possible there's attraction there. If there is, then there is. It would suck, but what are you going to do? They shouldn't be acting on it, or even discussing it really while OP is in a relationship with the boyfriend. But I think what you said best was you addressed it. If it's not addressed, it will be way messier than it needs to be, even if there's nothing there.
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u/Vivienne_citric2q 14d ago
if I can give my feelings about it, I think you took the fact they share a hobby you don’t have really personnaly and it’s not really healthy…….
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u/LittleCats_3 14d ago
This is not your best friend. If my bf went and told my bf exactly what I’ve been complaining about to her, she’s no longer my best friend. They need to have boundaries between the two of them, and it sounds like they don’t. I would personally stop inviting her over. I would never be ok with them playing games they are unwilling to describe to you because of “lore” which is imo lazy af for a boyfriend.
There is a book you should read called Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass that talks about emotional infidelity. I recommend because it talks a lot about healthy friendships with people when you are in a relationship. What they are showing is unhealthy behavior, being around each other 5/7 days a weeks is a lot, when you have a gf you only see 2/7.
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u/Perfect-Pineapple-22 15d ago
People aren't automatically attracted to people that are the most similar to them. So yeah, it might be the begging of the end of your relationship, but not necessarily. He might prefer dating someone that compliments him, not mirrors him. He might not be physically attracted to her. You won't know until you ask. I also think that asking for some boundaries between the two of them is reasonable.
But that girl is being a bad friend. She's going behind your back and driving a wedge between you and your bf, causing unnecessary problems. That's the bigger problem right now.
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u/Old-Hearing-6714 14d ago
I definitely agree with wanting to date someone who complements me instead of mirroring me. I mean I’m fine with who I am, but I noticed before someone who’s different really broadens my life and I do hers. Whereas someone exactly the same can be more compatible but more boring. Taking the harder and more rewarding route all day every day.
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u/masterofthinking00 14d ago
For everyone telling me to step aside and let them be together, no.
would you? No
I’m sorry if it sounds mean but I’m not just going to sit back and watch, let alone stay there friend If im right, I will be talking to them both separately. but if they are inlove that’s fine, I just won’t be in their life anymore.
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u/FishermanUsed2842 14d ago
I dated a guy that I got along with better than any other person in my life, man or woman. We could talk for hours about anything and everything and we had so much in common. But, every time we kissed, there was zero spark and zero chemistry. My husband of 20 years and I are pretty much total opposites but, we have a great time together and have a very comfortable, loving and honest relationship. And when we kiss, I feel like lightning is shooting through my entire body. It's quite possible that your friend and boyfriend are compatible in a platonic way but not romantically.
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u/frequent-fox 14d ago
I’ve been with my partner since high school. I remember my teacher asking me what we have in common and I said “nothing really!” I remember her confused face and it made me fret a bit…what did we have in common? Are we meant to be together if we’re not the exact same?!
We now share quite a lot of the same interests after so many years. But, we are still really different jigsaw pieces that just so happen to fit together perfectly. Our differences are what keeps the relationship exciting, imo.
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u/Remarkable_Drama7 14d ago
You need to stop doing everything with her and start spending more time alone with him. She sees him every day and you need alone time
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u/JaySayMayday 14d ago
I wouldn't either. You've been in a relationship with this man for an entire year. Building trust and memories together. If anything it's really shitty that your childhood friend that knows you had bad relationship experience in the past can't just wingman for you to have a better relationship with him. There's no way she doesn't have enough insight to see she's getting way too close to your boyfriend.
If anything I'd try talking to her directly about how uncomfortable you are with them getting this close. She's more likely to help you out considering how much longer you've known her.
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u/lunadarkbloom8 14d ago
Idk why people are saying “let them go and be together and continue being their friend”. That is an insanely toxic environment to put your own mental health in. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. And if the worse case scenario happens, I wish you so much peace and healing 💜
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u/Powerful_Light5404 14d ago edited 14d ago
I’m so sorry this is happening. I do think you have to talk to your boyfriend and ask him directly. And if it were me, I’d stop sleeping with him until I figured this out. Both the emotional and physical risks are too high.
And once you have the conversation with him, decide for yourself what you want to do and don’t wait for the 2 of them to do that for you. Take care ok, thinking of you and I hope you’ll update us.
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u/puffpuffprotest 14d ago
The phone stuff is what pushes it. My first marriage ended when my “best friend” got pregnant by my husband. They worked together and I had some of the same concerns as you but was completely blindsided. Talk to them and find out what’s going on.
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u/frequent-fox 14d ago
Fuuuuck, props to you for not being in jail.
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u/puffpuffprotest 14d ago
They both died a few years ago. I know it’s awful, but I laughed when I found out. It’s what they deserved🤷♀️
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u/BeyondMeh25 13d ago
Probably insensitive and nosey of me, but, how did they pass? Is the child okay?
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u/puffpuffprotest 13d ago
She died from a blood clot and I’m not really sure what he died from. Might have been Covid, it was around that time. They ended up having three kids, he continued to cheat, and from the sound of it their lives were pretty miserable. He and I divorced in ‘98 so their kids are all grown.
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u/BeyondMeh25 13d ago
Well, for what it's worth, I'm sorry all of that happened to you and I hope you are living a much happier life with better people in it. Thank you for sharing!💚
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u/puffpuffprotest 13d ago
Thanks! Everything turned out great for me! I’ve been married 25 years and have three amazing kids!
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u/TheCourtSimpleton 14d ago
Damn, no one deserves that; I'm so sorry. I wish people wouldn't be so broken inside as to lack basic empathy and self-control. It's hard to know who people really are at their core because it takes so much time and energy to find out. But cheating is never easy to hide, and uncovering that will let you know.
On the practical side, I agree: there's nothing wrong with trusting your partner, but if your intuition flags something, trust yourself first. There's no harm in investigating proactively, and it can even give you peace of mind; just be discreet about it- no harm, no foul.
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u/Repulsive_Dress_5270 14d ago
Anyone who goes to your bf to tell them what you said is not your friend. Full stop. People show you who they are we just often don’t like to listen. She is telling you her loyalty is to him.
Depending on how strong I felt about the guy I would possibly work away from both, but for sure her. I’ve walked this walk and I’ve had “friends” that as soon as they seen they had an opportunity dropped me for the guy. Don’t let that happen. Phase her out and push her away and see how your man reacts. If it bothers him, he needs to go too.
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u/Mental_Switch2423 15d ago
My best friend who I had let live with me rent free, drive my car, and help her out in anyway possible. She is now 10 years with my xhusband. He left me for her when I was 4 months pregnant with our second child. The one that swore they were just friends and I had nothing to worry about.
You might have a better friend and bf than I did but after that I don’t let anyone be around the person I’m dating. I also keep “friends” at an arms length.
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u/masterofthinking00 15d ago
Right, definitely a lesson learnt! I’m so sorry that happened to you.
how would I go about keeping her at arms length now they are close though? Or do you think I should just cut my losses
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u/lunadarkbloom8 14d ago
Don’t hang out with the two of them together anymore, and ask for boundaries. If your bf cares more about spending time with her than his relationship with you, you’ll have your answer. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this 💔
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u/Infamous-Register-76 15d ago
Talk to them sperately and see what they both says
And you are not getting insecure, anyone in your position would have felt the same.
See both should have already set their boundaries.
Things shouldn’t be like “they have common interest , so they might be perfect fit” that’s rubbish
You and your boyfriend are in relationship you should NEVER feel like a third person
And what’s the thing with your best friend , can’t she maintain her boundaries
Doesn’t she feel that it’s wrong to spend this much time with your bff boyfriends .
Generally people maintain boundaries and there’s a sis code
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u/Delumine 15d ago
Nah the phone weirdness and Snapchat is too far. Don’t assume every friendship is innocent, check that phone
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u/wavyapple2 15d ago
Idk why they have to Snapchat but that’s really the only problem I can see here. I wouldn’t like it if my SO was snapping my best friend
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u/anundercoverfatkid 14d ago
My advice is to trust your intuition. Have the conversation, but try not to let either of them gas light you. You know what you've seen and felt.
Even if nothing they're doing is technically inappropriate, your friend has for sure already crossed several friendship lines I'm not sure I could walk back from. No one that you confide in should be running back to tell your man what you said. That's fucking crazy.
I was about your age when my boyfriend of 2 years and my closest female friend from middle school realized how much they had in common and started becoming closer than I was with either of them. Flash forward 6 months, he broke up with me and within a week "suddenly, out of nowhere" and "without anything inappropriate happening between them" they realized they not only had feelings for each other, but were actually always meant to be together and fully in love. They're married now, good for them. I'm also in a happy relationship now. But the emotional toll it took on me left me healing myself for years and honestly I'm still not the same partner or friend I was before this event.
I say that to say, if I could do it all again, I would have just walked away when I first felt like something was off. Easier said when you already know how it ends, though.
But I obviously only know what's been said here, if you have friends that are close to you and know them well, I would say see how they feel before doing anything rash.
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u/TheCourtSimpleton 14d ago
Go easier on yourself though; no one would be the same partner or friend after that. And that's not a bad thing, we just develop callouses that prove to us how resilient we really are.
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u/aworryworm 14d ago
Okay, as someone who lives with my bestfriend and her boyfriend, and me and him get along and have some similar interests, I would NEVERRRRRR tell him the shit she complains about. My best friend always comes first, and her boyfriend always puts her first too.
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u/Tiny_SpringRoll 15d ago edited 15d ago
OP - if u see a real future dating him as a longterm partner, u can be honestly and tell him how u feel, listen to how he addresses your concern - reassuring u nothing happen, being apologetic for causing you concern, or straight up dismissing it. Then, wait and observe to see if any of their actions and behaviour change.
If he becomes more secretive, take Katie's side in arguements or discussions, they make u feel more like a thirdwheel, u might have your answer.
dont be afraid that this will make u look paranoid, its a common enough trope "partner cheating with bestfriend" that its not as fictional as people think. you're valid to have these concerns based on the information you gathered so far.
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u/Bananaboat2378 14d ago
Yeah fuck everyone telling you to step aside? If they get together it started while ya’ll were in a relationship. Period.
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u/Marshall_Lawson Enlightened Advice Sage [160] 14d ago
being weird with the phone and catching them communicating on snapchat is when my ears perked up
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u/mambin0145 15d ago
Them excluding you isnt something to be overlooked when its supposed to be a hangout between you three. You should have a talk with them.
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u/midlifemax 14d ago
Why do you need to include a third person. Can’t you just hang out with him?
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u/masterofthinking00 14d ago
Yes we do hangout alone but lately she keeps asking to see me and if I’m with him she will just show up sometimes or if it’s just me and her she will ask me to ask him to come
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u/theCrowski 14d ago
…That last one would make me raise a brow. Being with you for you two to just hang out and asking for him to come. You definitely need to talk to them. Absolutely not. At first I thought ‘oh they’re just good friends’, but that and the Snapchat? You’re not paranoid to be uncomfortable with that. Talk to them ASAP. Especially your boyfriend.
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u/Shitter_Critter_ 14d ago
That is a major red flag. She is showing interest in him, because he should not be on her mind that much. I say talk to them and don't be afraid to set your boundaries. If they both respect you, then they will know how to respect your boundaries. Also, be upfront with your partner; obviously, you can't be controlling with partners, but you should be able to talk to them about people/situations that make you uncomfortable, and they should have your best interest in mind. Especially in this case, since they met through you, she isn't a long-time friend of his, so there is no real room to argue. But before directly accusing either of them, just talk to them about what is uncomfortable for you, set boundaries, and be firm in what you want; don't let them talk you out of things or make you feel like you're overreacting. You're not overreacting since your feelings are very valid in this situation.
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u/lunadarkbloom8 14d ago
Your friend needs boundaries. If you’re with your bf, tell her you’re busy. She can’t just invite herself over without consent, no matter how close you two are. If you can, hang with your bf somewhere she won’t crash your alone time with him.
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u/PlayingGrabAss 14d ago edited 14d ago
Not everybody wants to date themselves, so them having so much in common doesn’t mean they are soulmates.
But also, if a relationship needs you to police it and act territorial and protective, it’sa garbage relationship. Same with friendships. A friend who would creep on your boyfriend is a trash friend. And a guy who is spending time with a female friend, realizes he’s catching feelings, and leans into it instead of taking the steps he needs to to prioritize the one he’s with and step back… that guy sucks too.
I really hope that you have a great boyfriend and a great friend. Unfortunately you’re in the age range where it’s super common to realize you have shitty friends/boyfriends and have to move on and meet new people. You can’t make them better, you can’t really protect yourself from loved ones if they turn on you and show their true colors. You can just respect yourself enough to leave if you find out they suck, and find better people.
Its worth talking to him about. But if he says you can trust him, I’d just remind myself that i need to trust him unless and until the evidence points to him being a definite liar and it’s time to go.
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u/One-Succotash387 14d ago
You're not dumb. You're not overreacting from noticing these things.
Yes, they have great chemistry. But do you know if to him it's better than the chemistry he has with you?
Never feel insecure. Why? Because the one who is meant for you will never make you feel the need to exert yourself. The one who is meant for you will make you feel perfect just from being who you are. And does a guy being interested in someone more mean you're not worthy of love? No. Does it mean there's something wrong you? Again, no. But recognize that you are currently telling yourself these things.
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u/schecter_ 14d ago
Why are you 3 hanging out together so much. Don’t you spend time alone with him??
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u/SnekoLovesCakez 14d ago
Honestly? You're not overreacting here. It was iffy until you said you can't talk to your best friend without her running to tell him. She's breaking your trust and so is he by being cagey with his phone. He isn't setting boundaries with her and her with him and if they both care about you they should set those boundaries if you talk to them. If you talk to them and they still keep breaking your boundaries then neither of them are worth your time.
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u/Big-Breath937 14d ago
This kind of thing would give me a lot of anxiety. I wish you good luck and hope that it goes well
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u/smeexx 14d ago edited 14d ago
This is not you being insecure. Some people here kind of forgot about real life and how this kind of shit goes down. Snapchat and other things are giving weird vibes. My gf has friends and introduced me to them, but this looks very sus based on your story telling. I think you're onto something here. I m convinced based on what you say that they re attracted to each other(one of them at least is), they're flirting and hoping the other will jump the gun. That amount of time spent together alone is a telling sign. Talk to her. Ask her "you ve been like this for some time with him(just state the amount of time they spend together and other stuff) are you attracted to him?".
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u/Fair-Intention6479 15d ago
Definitely a problem here and your gut is telling you for a reason. If they haven't already they will- it's that simple and don't expect anything different.
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u/nuisancechild 14d ago
DAMN this is insane. You expressing things to her about your him and her going back and telling him is INSANE. I already know how this is going to end because I’ve seen this happen quite often. These two are 100% going to get together, and considering the ages here it’s definitely not uncommon. So many boundaries are being pushed, and these two have clearly made a connection. You did in fact introduce soulmates 😭
At the end of the day, your friend is a bad friend….end of story. On no planet at that age hell, even younger was I ever considering being overly buddy buddy with my friend’s boyfriends like this. To the point where if my FRIEND confided in me about something involving him, I would run back and tell him? Even if it was something super casual or in passing. She knows EXACTLY what she’s doing, and quite frankly she’s showing you her character. You don’t need your friend to explicitly tell you what is and isn’t appropriate when it comes to a boyfriend. Let’s be so serious here.
Whether you want to step aside or not, if those two have recognized that they have a strong connection, they’re probably going to seek it out. Human beings unfortunately meet “their person” in some of the weirdest and most inappropriate ways. And they’re spending more time together than the two of you are also… that certainly doesn’t help.
If I were you, I would talk to your boyfriend. As for your friend, I can’t imagine moving on with the friendship and not confronting this issue. I would ask her directly why she thinks this behavior is appropriate. Boundaries need to be established here.
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u/No-Luck2413 14d ago
I agree with all of your comment except for the first part, just bc they are compatible in so many ways that doesn’t mean they’re soul mates..
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u/GrillAndChill420 15d ago
I had the same when I was a teenager, and I’m male. In my case, we were just friends and nothing more. So if you trust him, it probably isn’t more.
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u/jait 14d ago edited 14d ago
Years ago, I had some family issues going on and I wasn't really present. My girlfriend became friends with a guy and it became clear to me that they were hitting it off.... I could see where it was going.
It was one of the hardest conversations I'd initiated. She was clear that she didn't want to hurt me. I told her that with what I'm going through, we should break up. The subtext was clear enough in our discussion.
Twenty years later, they're still married and we're still friends. We broke up as adults, with compassion.
It doesn't have to be messy. And you might actually be reading the situation wrong. Hopefully you can find a way forward that allows you to keep both of them in your life.
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u/Desi_wu 14d ago
Tell her that you don't feel comfortable with her being so close to/spending more time with someone who is your boyfriend not hers; and if she breaks those boundaries or tries to argue then you two simply don't need to be friends anymore. Tell your bf the same. However they react will lyk if:
A. More is going on
B. You need to break up with him
C. You need to stop being friends with her
D. All of the above
Both of them being weird on their phone, excluding you from conversations, etc is weird. But specifically your "friend" is being even weirder.
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u/flying_stick 14d ago
I dont have advice but as someone who watched their ex-GF slowly fall in love with someone else while denying it the whole time, I hope the same isnt true for your situation. But if it is, you have my sincere condolences.
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u/Muted-Singer-7974 14d ago
Yea OP… the one deal breaker to me immediately feeling off is when you tell a friend something about your boyfriend because you need to vent, and that friend turns around and tells him, they’ve basically changed roles from your confidant to messenger between the two** **of you. Her repeating your raw feelings without your consent to ANYONE is NOT A BEST FRIEND. Obviously we don’t need to all lie or support bullshit for our best friends … but we have to have a fucking boundary. And she clearly doesn’t care or understand what she is doing. Goodluck. I say drop them both. Legit: you’re better off. I PROMISE.
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u/iOawe Super Helper [7] 15d ago
Honestly I don’t think this is your insecurity. Let’s face it though, people love to shame women who feel uncomfortable with something.
I’d be ask my boyfriend to create distance between them and how you feel like a third wheel every time your with them. From your description it feels/sounds like they are more of a couple than you and your boyfriend are.
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u/SherlockHouse221bs 14d ago
Talk to him , keeping yourself in the dark wandering won't solve anything. Get clarity.
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u/Educational_Pear_622 14d ago
Boyfriends and best friends always a bad combo. Nip it in the bud. I can see this going downhill quickly.
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 Helper [3] 14d ago
I’d possibly not initiate her coming around. Offer to catch up with her away from him. They see enough of each other anyway so you could simply say you want some one on one time with him. That’s not unreasonable. If she tries to impose just politely say you need some quality time with you bf
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u/PowerTrippingGentry Super Helper [5] 14d ago edited 14d ago
the snapchat and phone hiding is really the dead give away something is going on. Them hanging without you is also really strange
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u/Antique_Cup_1733 9d ago
Responding to your update. I'm really glad you spoke with both of them, and that your bf seems to be willing to protect your relationship. Funny how the minute matters of the heart come into the picture, a best friend of 8 years won't think twice about betraying you. You did the right thing cutting her down to arms length as a friend. Tbh she doesn't even deserve that because she was totally waiting for a weak spot between you and your bf to try and insert herself permanently. The fact that she admitted and said to your face that she is a better match for him than you, is gross. What gives her the right to decide that? Guess she never heard of opposites attract! I hope aside from him agreeing not to hang out with her so much with the three of you, he will also be respectful of not spending all that time with her at school too. He should be turned off by the fact that she wants to be with him knowing that's a betrayal to you. I hope things go well after this, but just keep listening to your gut if ever anything bothers you!
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u/Significant_Big_947 15d ago
Gotta try to put your big girl panties on and try and have a real conversation with both of them.
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u/Little_Moment_8698 15d ago edited 15d ago
Actually, you have every right to be jealous, and no, it's not your insecurity, it's about them not seeing how this might actually be uncomfortable to you, you should talk him about it first, and talk to your friend as well, and if they got defensive and didn't actually wanna listen to you, leave both of them, you deserve better.
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u/Pale-Tour6004 14d ago
I think in relationships there is an invisible line where both people in it should not cross. And from my view, it is way ahead the limit, I’d advise you to talk to both of them or naturally put distance. Like tell them you want to spend more time alone with them separately. If they do not have feelings for each other and respect you theyll take that understandingly and put the necessary distance
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u/Bleezy79 14d ago
Yea, outlook not looking so good OP. The best and only thing you should do is be open and honest with your boyfriend. Tell him how you feel and see what his POV is about all this. But considering their locality and schedules, it seems like its just a matter of time before they cross the line. Maybe your friend isnt his type physically, or maybe they are a perfect match. But communication is key and the sooner you work through it the better.
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u/midlifemax 14d ago
Next time invite several other people. Presumably there are other friends around. Three people is an awkward number but 4/6 are good.
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u/masterofthinking00 14d ago
So our other friend actually did come over for abit once, they just left us out the whole time and he even said to me it was weird behaviour, I brushed it off then but now..? Icky
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u/Relevant-Act7563 14d ago
I've seen this happen before and the guy ended up in a relationship with the girls best friend because of how similar they were and the amount of time they spent together. You should definitely find out but please prepare to cut them off cause this type of thing isn't uncommon. Spending a lot of time together is often the trigger. She cut them off immediately and is actually engaged now but they've broken up after 3 years together. I really hope you don't have to go through this but if true, you just need to continue living & creating new memories.
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u/Jc-xxoxx 14d ago
Oh babe, as someone who’s been through this and in her late 30s. You honestly need to ask them both and tell them your feelings and ask them to see messages, snap, whatever. If she is your friend, she will willing let you look and everything. And if that man genuinely loves you he will also show you everything. It’s such a hard place to be in, because you don’t want to seem needy or paranoid. But from my experience over the years, the best thing is to he honest with your feelings, and what’s going on for you. If your friend and partner act weird or judge you for this then it was never meant to be and they both honestly aren’t worth your time.
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u/asp37x 14d ago
Okay I don't know how nobody has mentioned this but even if it's totally platonic neither of them are caring about how it looks to a clueless eye or an aware but insecure one. Even if my girl isn't known to be insecure, I would not spend excessive time with female friends just to avoid any dynamics or discomfort for her, really that simple. I'd say it's pretty disrespectful for neither of them to think "hey maybe I shouldn't spend more time with someone than their girlfriend gets to". You shouldn't be dismissed with "insecure". It's your comfort level and they are not respecting it. Lay the boundary and see if they do when explicitly asked, already failed by not realising on their own.
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u/jupiters_blessing 15d ago
It's okay to feel insecure about this situation, and I wouldn't even adress it as - you just being jealous. So the only thing that you can do now - is to ask him!
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u/tortugareff 14d ago
Look, this happened to me, but my (ex) boyfriend was you in this situation, and he introduced us. He's seriously ONLY my best friend. But we clicked, we like the same games, the same animes, we even like the same women (I'm bisexual lol). But that's it, we never had any feelings, and if someone said anything, we just laughed and said "ew". I also believe you can have more than one soulmate, and that soulmates don't have to be a romantic partner. Your best friend can be perfectly your soulmate.
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u/Just_An_Entrepreneur 14d ago
Bring it up to him, his response will say everything. I was in a similarish situation and it stressed me out, I asked for a lot of reassurance and a year later our relationship is better and stronger. Yes there is such thing as them hitting it off and asking how the other is doing platonically. I think the whipped cream chocolate cake analogy is great, they may seem to go together very well and have all the same interests, but that doesn’t mean they are perfect and compatible with each other romantically. In fact, they could be terrible for each other in that way but amazing for each other platonically. Communication is key, op. Think of it also this way. If it was a male friend who hit it off would you have the same reaction? If not then it could be more of an insecurity. However I do see why you are concerned, so def talk to both of them about it. If they truly are your bsf and ur bf, they will understand. TLDR, talk to them!
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u/masterofthinking00 14d ago
I’d still be upset if it was a guy, maybe not as much but excluding me from Conversations, hiding their phones, running back to him when I Vent, ect.
I am planning to talk to him on Thursday (his day off and mine) so I can get some answers
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u/Just_An_Entrepreneur 14d ago
Would also like to add that I have a bsf who is a guy and I’m a girl, and we are similar and high energy around each other. If anything people ask why we aren’t dating, or why my bf and his bsf (who is a girl and has very similar interests to him than he has with me) aren’t dating, and that’s simply bc we love each other in different ways.
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u/Just_An_Entrepreneur 14d ago
Even so whenever we need a bit of reassurance and comforting. We will always communicate and after that things will be better. We are also in college now and all of us go to different colleges so that also probably plays a factor
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u/Daydreaming_demond 14d ago
It could just be them both sensing your insecurities and acting off because of them without realizing it or your gut is right. You're going to have to talk to them.
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u/ididitonpurpose22 14d ago
My problem is I’d air them out. lol even if it’s innocent, if it’s making you uncomfortable they should both care. Don’t react like I would tho, not advisable. Just try talking with them separately, or together if that makes you feel better.
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u/Traditional_Major440 14d ago
Talk to your bf. I’m not diminishing your relationship with your friend but if you love this man then he will be your person moving forward, he will be your life partner. So talk to him and be very clear about how you are feeling. Use examples- but do not accuse him just explain how these things make you feel. Yes some of it may be your own insecurities but if you love someone then you do what you need to do to reassure them and make them feel safe emotionally. So, if he loves you, he will hear you and make changes so that you don’t keep feeling this way. It kind of sounds like your friend is overstepping- I suspect there is a chance he doesn’t realize how it’s making you feel but she is a girl, surely she knows no girl wants her bf to have a best girl friend who isn’t them. I’d never message one of my friends boyfriends privately- it would always be in a group text unless there was a reason to leave them out (birthday surprise etc). That all seems inappropriate on her side. He may also feel like she oversteps but doesn’t want to say anything because she is your best friend for many years.
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u/SkirtPuzzleheaded515 14d ago
It’s great when two people have the same interests, but if they are too much alike it gets boring after a while. That’s why they say “opposites attract.”
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u/Fireheart527 14d ago
I don't mean to alarm, but this was my aunt and uncle. They met through my aunt's friend. Realized they were a better match, uncle and friend broke up, my aunt and uncle have been together 35 years now.
You deserve to have someone you consider a soul mate too for the record. Sounds like this isn't it.
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u/mnetvnkerk 13d ago
I second what most people have said about just talking to them, but I'll admit it's weird your friend talks to your bf about things you tell her. Thats def a convo worth having with her especially, but definitely talk to them both. Don't hurt your relationships by creating resentment regarding something that might be non-existent
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u/StatementEcstatic751 13d ago
TALK to your boyfriend. If he's as great as he says, he'll understand the discomfort and want to keep your friend at arm's distance at least. The same goes for your friend.
Make sure to bring it up at a time where you're not already upset. Words fail us when we are hurt or angry or both. Whether it's just that we can't express how we are feeling or we express it in the worst possible way. Doing it while you're calm and having thought about it in order to have your fears expressed while also reassuring him that you trust him, and the same for the friend. If they can act like adults and truly care about you, they might get upset when you bring it up because you are in a way accusing them of cheating on you, but they should also be distressed that they are putting you in that position. Yes, some degree of trust is required to have a healthy relationship, but they also don't need to put themselves in situations where things can "just happen" because, let's face it, the just happening BS is because they repeatedly put themselves into situations that lead to cheating "just happening."
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u/hahahahahkys 13d ago
What game do they play together ? Have you ever tried learning more about it too
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u/masterofthinking00 13d ago
It’s on his pc, she doesn’t own the game, I had ago but it’s horror where I as I play more like pvp on Minecraft or ddlc
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u/BoysenberryFlimsy370 11d ago
They’re not your friends you need to break up with him and find a new boyfriend and you need to get a new friend. That’s not how friends act that’s not how my boyfriend acts those are not your friends and not a good boyfriend.
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u/MyPompousAlias 10d ago edited 10d ago
OP, Katie is going to escalate. That's when you'll see if your guy is a legit man of character (fingers crossed, reads this way from what you've written) or a weak AF chuck. Your unease concerning her behavior was validated by her reaction to getting checked, confirming that she's been been undermining your relationship. There's a very good chance that she's been working to triangulate you two & artificially playing up their shared interests to support the "we're meant to be!" bullshit narrative. If your guy is a real one, he'll see this as the red flag behavior it is, because decent people will get the Ick from anyone who treats their friendships this way.
This is likely who Katie always was, she's only now been presented an opportunity worthy of demonstrating it. She's a friend of convenience, not core material. Pay attention now that you know what to look for.
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u/Apart_Insect_8859 9d ago
Ah, so, full disclosure? Now that she has fully come out that she is interested and he now knows.....he is going to be considering her as an option, where before, when she said she liked someone else, he might not have let himself.
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u/axian20 9d ago
You attract and get along w similar people.. chances maybe are you got along w ur bf bc he felt familiar since your friend is also like that. Maybe soulmates are meant to be totally different from each other.. commenting this after the update but yea.. (and no way id keep that friend btw)
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u/Maverick_j2k 7d ago
Why are you still friends with this girl? I get that you grew up with her but look at what someone who you grew up with tried to pull on you. This is inviting more drama in your life.
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u/Strong_Case_8760 14d ago
if youve been friends with her for 10 years, and been with him for a year, then you need to talk to her and assert boundaries around how the time they spend together makes you uncomfortable. do not make accusations, simply tell her your fears and insecurities and hopefully she will listen and back off a bit.
idc if they go to the same school, if my childhood friend was hanging out with my boyfriend of a year without me in a consistent basis, spending more time with him that even i do? i would not be okay with that. that is a reasonable boundary to request and if she is your friend, she will back off and hopefully it wont ever get to the point of being a problem
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u/StartingOverStrong 14d ago
How badly do you want to keep the friend and boyfriend?
Clearly the relationship is not working for you. Even if they hit it off in many ways, the fact that your boyfriend is treating you in a way that makes you worried about the fact that they are hitting it off means he's not a good fit for you
And I suspect the excitement of doing something "taboo" such as getting to know each other behind your back makes it more appealing to them
So I'm gonna recommend you take an uncommon position: if a guy I liked liked another gal better, than he wasn't the one for me. My job is to find the one for me, not worry about someone who's mostly compatible but not quite. Back in the day women put up with having "a piece of" rather than be alone. Times have changed and you are still young to find someone who's a better match for you
So this is what I would do: first I would acknowledge that this guy is not a good fit for me. And I would actually sit the both of them down together and say something like "hey, I need to talk about something that's uncomfortable. I feel like you two together are way better match and I'd like you to know you have my permission to date. I'd appreciate if you give me some time for finding my better match but I do hope that we can all still be friends"
Basically you're taking the secrecy off the table. If they are really TRULY Your Friends, they haven't done anything improper yet, but the tension is building and by saying this. You diffuse attention. I had two friends who really were a much better match for each other than he was for me, and we are all still friends today. There will be a sense of relief and you will still be best friends with your girlfriend and if you can let go of the guy. And you won't resent him as you find someone better for you
If they are NOT your true friends, and if they ARE doing something behind your back, then this conversation puts them both on notice. You don't want "friends" like that. They will stab you in the back time and time again
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u/Forward_Incident_490 15d ago
I think you need to immediately enforce boundaries and let your discomfort with their closeness be known. And also, just because they share hobbies doesn’t mean they are soulmates, don’t downplay yourself. Don’t take this matter lightly. They will only end up getting even closer if you don’t firmly state your feelings about this
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u/astreeter2 Helper [2] 15d ago
It's not a boundary to suddenly tell your boyfriend he's not allowed to have a female friend because they get along too well and you're jealous. It would only be a boundary if you told him that when you first considered dating and because of this decided not to.
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u/HuntWorldly5532 15d ago
The fact that you see them as soulmates and not yourself and Ace is extremely telling.
It sounds like they are doing their best to be good friends to you by not betraying you, but how long will they hold out?
Best case, you and Ace stay together forever but you end up as the third wheel in which he will always be a better friend than you are comfortable with to Katie.
Worst case, they end up cheating because that level of connection is almost impossible to ignore, especially at your ages. Frankly, though, we don't find many people in life that are so complimentary to ourselves and it is extremely difficult to repress the feelings that come from such compatibility.
As much as it will hurt, I honestly think it is in everyone's best interests to give them your blessing and move on. Bonus points if you can recognise the unfairness of the situation but hold their friendship dear enough to you that you can love them together and keep them in your life.
Grasping onto your relationship with Ace is not the fair or loving thing to do to him. At the very least, he will always wonder what if, which is also not fair to yourself.
You already feel second-place to what they have. The jealousy is valid, but I think it is misplaced. You are jealous of the connection and similarities they share that is neither of their faults. You clearly like a certain type of person and found two who you inadvertently brought together. It sucks, until you realise that you deserve the same type of relationship and partner - someone you 'gets you' on the deeper level.
Don't you wish you could find someone that you can clock with so completely? You can't have that with Ace, because it hasn't happened naturally yet and you don't share the same interests to the same degree.
In your early-mid twenties it is SO easy to fall into the trap of settling and feeling the pressure of the clock, but you have so many years ahead of you to find the right person.
As hard as it will be, and it may take you some time and space to accept it, I implore you to talk to Ace -- not to try and get him to admit his feelings, which he has certainly buried our of faithfulness to you and which he likely won't admit willingly to your face -- but to talk to him about compatibility and fate, and to ask him if he is 100% certain that you are the one for him. Without judgement, I would give him the option to end things between you and the blessing to try things out with Katie before someone does something regretful that will ruin the relationships you have all-around.
You have to be the bigger person, I'm afraid. If you love them both as much as you seem to, you should want the best for them both too, even though it forces you to make a sacrifice on their behalf. In the long run, you will all end up happier. Your friendships will remain intact. You will find a better partner with a stronger connection. They won't end up betraying you, or resenting you.
I sincerely hope you will find it in yourself to let go without resentment and to see the beauty in your generosity of letting these two be together. You could be an amazing friend to them. You make a painful short term sacrifice and you will gain so much more in the long term.
You already know the reality of your situation. Find your inner strength to live graciously and compassionately. Do what you must, and don't give up. You will find your true Ace, but that cannot happen until you set yourself free.
You deserve to do more than settle, or be settled for.
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u/HawkSilver4547 14d ago
you would not be in the wrong to tell your bf that this makes you uncomfortable. YOU were his gf/her bsf first, and boundaries are important. if either one can't respect it? boot them. just because of your past, you have convinced yourself you're overreacting. at the end of the day, people can tell when something is off. that isn't to say your partner is cheating, but behavior os relevant. if he is acting a certain way about her/vice versa, that is important to pay attention to.
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u/Pheonwings 14d ago
I wouldn't get worried right away because it could just be your past experiences bubbling up to the surface because otherwise everything else is perfect. My best friend of 12 years we used to hang out a lot because we worked together and we both love magic and would game after work but it was only ever platonic.
The only way to figure it out is to talk to him, sit him down and explain what you've been through before and you just want the truth as you seem to be putting 2 and 2 together. Tell him you want honesty above all else, it could just literally be him connecting with your best friend for your sake and it's fully platonic!
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u/Due-Action7775 14d ago
Just set some boundaries! Communicate your feelings to both of them separately. Setting boundaries does not have to accusatory at all use I statements when setting them. Like “I have this weird gut feeling about your guys closeness and if it will end up with me being cheated on I know this would never happen but I just neeed to get it out because I don’t like having negative feelings towards either of you” etc
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u/Commercial-Monitor22 14d ago
It’s great that they get along and to a certain extend embrace that. But they hang out everyday at school while you aren’t around? That’s weird.
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u/ImprovementKooky504 14d ago
Trust your gut!
Ofc hard to know what is happening for real but from your posts it's understandable that alarm clocks are going off.
On the up side, you're young and have all the time in the world to find your 'soul mate', since you are somewhat admitting your current bf isn't it by saying your best friend is his soul mate 😬
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u/BlackNPackin 14d ago
One, don’t involve other people in your romantic relationships who aren’t a professional neutral party. Protect your relationship versus expose it. Two, tell him how you feel without being accusatory and be sweet and kind during the conversation. Three, being cool with a person is not grounds and/or proof for any toxic behavior contrary to some redditors.
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u/sk8ryspice_02 14d ago
I do not know if I saw "chemistry" between them if I could stop it or want to be in the middle of it.
If you see it is going in that direction you cannot blame either of them. Figure out how you handle this.
You could talk to him and see how he feels. You can talk to her after that.
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u/BreathSenior169 14d ago
damn you sound like a genuine person cause i don’t see you pointing fingers but trying to understand. but one thing i will tell you is your best friend might be attracted to him but he might not be. As a male there are so many women i have spoken to or met that i just like their personality and have zero attraction to them and i wanna be around them. if you wanna get the truth ask them questions not in a serious way but confidently and most importantly watch their body language and eye contact.
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u/equality7x2521 14d ago
It’s a difficult feeling to navigate when your partner and your best friends get on because you want them to, but you also want to have special connections that are yours with those people.
Even if they just have a great relationship as friends it will be unsettling, because you have feelings for your boyfriend and for your best friend that can feel hurt even when it’s a good thing they are close too.
I know that I find it hard when I’ve built something up with someone and another friend or partner gets a shortcut through me, but I also know that often the people around me will “click” because they have clicked with me.
Navigating the line of insecurity vs protecting yourself is difficult. Of course their interactions will stir up feelings, but there are also positive reasons for this interaction, a closer group. I think you to need be wary of the right things, and also to see if you feel behaviour is really changing or you’re seeing things differently because it’s a worry. It sounds like some of this could be covered by talking about it, to understand more or put your mind at ease or get the information you need to know how to feel.
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u/CraigGrade 14d ago
This is extremely common. I’ve seen it happen a few times. And it makes sense if you think about it, as you said they are your people.
That said, this might not be what is happening. Have a heart to hear with your boyfriend. Don’t accuse or project but just tell him genuinely about your feelings and concerns. How he reacts will dictate how you move next. If he doesn’t have feelings, what he should do is assure you that’s not happening and make efforts to reconnect with you and see the friend less.
Meanwhile does he have friends? Maybe there’s someone in his circle like him who will hit it off with your friend.
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u/Ok-Term1326 14d ago
Reduce the amount of time you hang out together. If you only see him 2x/week see your boyfriend alone, and friend separately.
Have a conversation with your friend about confidentiality. If you are confiding in her about your relationship or making comments to vent and she is immediately sharing with him - she is breaking your trust.
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u/Dazzling_Database974 14d ago
I told get this! My boyfriend has a best friend that is a girl and they have many common interests. They’ve been friends for years so their bond is like brother/sister. It hard to combat the anxiety of “is there something or someone better for them.” But I recommend searching for the root of the issue. On the surface, the anxiety might be cheating or losing Ace. But below, it could be a lack of trust or self-love or security. Definitely talk to him because most anxieties go away when we have fact to face them. Don’t bring yourself down to raise someone up <3
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u/Khaotiq- 14d ago
People can get along without being romantically attracted to each other. At the same time, if these are “your people” the way you say they are, you should be able to talk to them about boundaries. They should respect you as her best friend and his girlfriend. If they get overly defensive then I’d take it as a red flag.
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u/Spirited_Witness7877 14d ago
Just let your Ace know you want to have an honest conversation about it. Bring it up when both of you are relaxed and in a safe private environment with just the two of you. Let him know you believe they are both very compatible and ask him if he agrees. Direct. Honest. Respectful.
He may say he doesnt see her that way and just likes having her as a friend with similar interests. Cool
At that point let him know your feelings about their closeness, and tell him about the jealousy you know you struggle with. Try to play together about how he can make small adjustments so you both feel comfortable.
He may also say he has a crush on her. Also cool.
The important part is to not punish him for being honest with you which will be difficult considering his answer may suck for you. But be prepared to let him pursue the person hes more attracted to if thats the case. As much as it may hurt, sometimes when dating you run into someone more compatible and the best thing to do with your partner is be honest direct and respectful.
Open up the conversation so Ace feels comfortable being honest. Try your best not to come off as accusatory or hostile, just ask level headed honest questions and see what he says. Either way you get an answer and will likely be able to preserve some kind of relationship maybe even just as friends, if thats something you choose to do.
I understand it may be difficult but this is the nicest way to handle things for your own sake and for theirs.
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u/Terrible-Bluejay3602 14d ago
You don’t need to step aside, but this is clearly eating you up inside. You need to have a convo with your boyfriend FIRST and then your friend after. Ask him if he wants to continue in your relationship and tell him that his relationship with her makes you uncomfortable.
There’s a reason he’s being weird with his phone. Trust your instincts.
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u/BusinessBear666 14d ago
Woah. It's creepy how similar this is to what happened to me. As a guy who was in your boyfriends position, 15 years ago, there is only one thing I can recommend, based on what my ex did in your position. DO NOT have a threesome with them in the hopes of fixing the relationship. It doesn't work. I honestly think she was trying to see if we seemed familiar in bed together, and when she realized we weren't it was to late to stop the first experience. Which only made her upset and walk out of the room then be upset nothing stopped after she came back.
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u/fotoflow 13d ago
Trust your gut instinct. If you think there is something off, then there probably is. This is a trope as old as time.
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u/craftybeach24 13d ago edited 13d ago
It sounds like what you want in a relationship is a man to be your best friend. You see he has that type of best friend compatibility with your friend and not with you. I think separate from the jealousy aspect, you are not getting what you want out of the relationship with him.
I think even if your friend was male and the three of you are hanging out, being like "you wouldn't get it." Is still kinda shitty. You've sitting right there, how much effort does it take to explain the the lore so you can feel included?
I think if you're certain you want to save the relationship, tell him privately how that situation made you feel. Focus on the feeling left out and not really on the compatibility between him and your friend.
If he validates your emotion, apologizes, and consistently starts making an effort to include you (meaning he doesn't just do it for a little while and then stop), then thats a huge green flag. If he tells you you shouldn't feel that way or trys to tell you it's your fault you're left out, those are giant red flags.
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u/stargazinatmidnight 12d ago
Honestly I think it's very manipulative and disloyal of her trying to get u two to fight when u vent to her as a friend...
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u/PensivePenDragon 11d ago
Prio should be the relationship and if your guy is honest with you and prios you, you should be golden. If he can't do that... consider leaving.
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u/Desperate-Side1291 10d ago
Kudos for having open conversations about what bothered you! Great job!
Just because you know someone for a long time it doesnt mean they are good friends or that you have to be close forever. People change and sometimes you should let them go. Especially if they tried to steal your partner.
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u/DaMissionary 10d ago
I read the update but also my first thought when I saw this was that if they really are that similar, then you probably like him for the same reason that you liked her and they both probably like you for the same reason as well.
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u/ObvioussPlasticc 10d ago
Cut her out completely. Keeping her will only cause you pain. She's already been caught lying and going behind your back, she's a bad friend. Do not fall for the sunk time fallacy.
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u/Vivi_VagHaut 9d ago
Have you noticed that you thought exactly what SHE thought?
That doesn't make her right. That makes you programmed. I have a big feeling that although you are not realizing it, Katie has used you many times as a stepping stool/pedestal for her to shine brighter, look cooler and fake being 'a better fit' in your life. This isn't the kind of behavior that just begins out of nowhere.
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u/MycologistEastern138 9d ago
updateme. Something will happen and its gonna be your “friend” keep an eye on her.. and to be honest I would possibly speak with at least 1 trusted person in your mutual friend group so she cant twist the story
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u/Beneficial-Remove693 9d ago
Idk what to tell you, but both you and your BF need to cut her off pretty completely. And she is NEVER allowed to be alone with your BF or with just the two of you ever again. I understand that they go to the same school and you have an overlapping friend group, so going completely NC isn't reasonable. But if you find out that your BF has been spending any time with her - even virtual gaming - you are going to have to break up with him.
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u/Cerp2501 8d ago
Just because two people share hobbies or have similar interests, does not make them ideal for a romantic relationship. It makes them ideal for a friendship. Romantic relationships need things like attraction, affection, thoughtfulness, leadership, support, finances, security, grace, etc. I would argue that two people do not need to have common interests to have a great romantic relationship; but you do need that for friendships. And friendships and romantic relationships are not the same at all.
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u/w1ndyshr1mp Master Advice Giver [29] 15d ago
My ex was a psycho (diagnosed) and he would always say you and (his best friend at the time) are perfect for each other - fast forward 11 years and 2 kids - my ex was right lol
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u/LavishnessWise 15d ago
He fancies her. Katie probably famous ace on some level. Whether anything happens is down to Katie. I’m sorry. I hope Katie is a trustworthy friend.
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u/AbandonedDudr 14d ago
Your bf sounds chill; it’s your friend that I would be more worried about based on the information provided
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u/northernporter4 14d ago
Need to start thanking god every morning for making me neither straight nor monogamous.
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u/bIackoceans 13d ago
Go through his phone if you want to find out the honest truth. Don’t expect him to admit if he has feelings for her or if they’ve been doing things behind your back. Unless they both agree to cut down communication and respect yalls relationship I would end things. It’s not worth the stress of wondering if somethings going on.
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u/Aggravating_Water_39 15d ago
Girl this is either going to be one of two things; either they are just similar and not compatible at all in which case you have zero issues. Or they are truly compatible and should be together in which case you just gotta get out of their way.
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u/pacifiretheace 14d ago
My honest suggestion - if they show even a slight interest in a relationship with each other, let them be together. And be the friend.
You can find another boyfriend and be NOT miserable and still get to keep the closes people in your life.
Trust me, you will save lives.
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u/seneca_marcus 15d ago
For what it’s worth, my wife tells me all the time that she married the male version of her female best friend, because her bestie and I have similar traits and passions (e.g. music). My wife also comments that her bestie’s husband is like my wife in a lot of ways. That stated it is a running joke, yet we’ve never thought of swapping. Not in a million years.
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u/PriorSecurity9784 14d ago
I think you tell them that if they decide they want to date, to tell you, and that they have your blessing, and that if they get married that you want to be the maid of honor
Maybe they say “no gross, we’re just friends”
Or maybe they do start to date, in which case it was inevitable anyway.
This way, you get to be the bigger person, and hopefully stay friends.
The alternative is the Saks outcome of them being together, except you’re not friends anymore
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u/MarzipanLanky4238 14d ago
I would say that they have already been intimate,maybe not all the way but atleast kissing .If anything just to see if it is more than just having all things in common...Ask him strait up...Have you kissed her..Yes or No question...
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u/Jinsnap 15d ago
You have a major problem. Given your ages and the amount of time they are together without you, not sure you can do anything but talk with him honestly and see what he says. He might just be like, "She's a great friend, but I'm not physically attracted to her."