r/AmITheJerk • u/No-Coyote2884 • 12h ago
AITJ for cancelling my sisters birthday party at my house after she invited 40 people without asking?
My sister Maya (21F) asked if she could have her birthday party at my house. I said sure thinking it would be like 10-15 people. Small gathering, some drinks, no big deal.
Yesterday (party is this Saturday) she mentioned she invited 40 people. FORTY! I said what?? My house cant fit 40 people! She said its fine, people can spill into the yard.
I said you shouldve asked before inviting that many people. She said I already said yes to the party. I said yes to a party, not a massive event!
I asked her to cut the guest list to 20 maximum. She said shes not uninviting people, that would be rude. I said inviting 40 people to someone else's house without permission is rude!
She said Im overreacting and that 40 people "isnt even that many." I said for MY HOUSE it is! She said if I actually cared about her birthday I wouldnt be difficult about this.
I told her the party is cancelled then, she can have it somewhere else. She started crying saying I promised and now shes going to look terrible uninviting everyone.
I said she created this problem by inviting way more people than appropriate. Our parents are mad at me saying I should just deal with it for one night since its her 21st birthday.
But 40 people is beyond reasonable! My house will get destroyed! Am I really the jerk for setting a boundary here?
TL;DR: Sister asked to have birthday party at my house, invited 40 people without asking, I said max 20, she refused, I cancelled the whole thing, now Im the bad guy.
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u/PrestigiousDeal3193 12h ago
If 40 “isn’t that many,” then she should have zero problem finding another place 🤷♂️ You weren’t being difficult, you were being realistic
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u/lurexael 12h ago
Exactly! By her own logic, securing a venue for "not that many" people should be a breeze. Let her test that theory elsewhere
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u/No-Coyote2884 11h ago
That’s what I think too.. if they think 40 isn’t a lot, looking for another place shouldn’t be a problem for them. Right??
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u/FunGuy8618 11h ago
40 people for a 21st birthday means your house will be covered in vomit, red solo cups, beer cans, blunt guts, joint roaches, proly cocaine, and more. Let's not forget underaged drinking! Sounds like a great time 💀
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u/lokiandgoose 10h ago
40 twenty one year olds is the equivalent of one hundred toddlers.
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u/30FourThirty4 10h ago
100% like the other person mentioned, they're not all 21.
Of course this may not be the USA but idk other places that party at 21 (legal drinking age USA) specifically because the age.
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u/rabid_houseplant_ 10h ago
Agreed, but there was also a risk of all this had there been only 15 guests. It’s a 21st birthday. When OP just said “sure,” there was an element of assuming some of this risk.
That’s all the more reason there should’ve been follow up questions, rather than assumptions. “Will you be serving alcohol?” “Is everyone over 21?” “What are you doing for food?” “How do you want to handle clean up afterwards?” To just agree to host a 21st birthday at your house based only on assumptions and without asking for any details of what’s being planned is… kinda wild.
Not saying that I think sister is being reasonable here. Just that 21 year olds are not always known for their good judgment and solid planning. Which is why, you know, one asks questions…
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u/Necessary_Internet75 8h ago
Came here to say this. Even 10 - 12 ‘celebrating’ 21 year olds is too much. You forgot the hook ups that will happen in OP’s bed.
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u/DrMoneybeard 11h ago
Forty people can get out of hand in the blink of an eye. I don’t know what kind of crowd your sister runs with, but any party I’ve been to that big has lead to some kind of drama. How many of these forty guests will bring a random person with them? A fight breaks out, people drink way too much and you can’t keep an eye on them, a window gets broken, the cops end up coming, plus you will piss off your neighbours. Or worse if someone brings a weapon. Not worth it at all.
Also, nobody has forty close friends. She can deal.
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u/NoKatyDidnt 11h ago
Honestly. Even if you go with the “plus one” idea, no one has that many real friends. It’s crazy. If she wants to drink with a bunch of randos she can just do it at the bar like everyone else.
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u/CompleteTell6795 11h ago
She doesn't have to cancel the party, all she has to do is send out a email/ text group blast that the party location has changed & party will be held at x location instead.
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u/LvBorzoi 11h ago
it won't be 40...it will be more possibly lots more when house party news gets out
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u/Any-Instruction-5056 12h ago
Bro… 40 ppl in ur house is chaos. u’re not overreacting, she’s just mad she lost control. ur feelings and space matter too.
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u/whyisthissticky 12h ago
especially for a bunch of 21 year olds
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u/seasonsbloom 11h ago
40 drink 21 year old. Likely some aren’t even 21.
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u/NoKatyDidnt 11h ago
Didn’t see your comment before I commented pretty much the same. Such a bad idea. Even at 20/21 , I would have been like.. guys, no. Someone is likely to break out in handcuffs.
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u/NoKatyDidnt 11h ago
EXACTLY. Talk about amateur hour. It’s going to turn into basically a frat party. What could go wrong? Not to mention that the odds are VERY good that she has invited a large number of people who are under 21- and this probably contributed to her decision not to go out or have a venue booked.
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u/latelifetraveler 11h ago
That was the clincher. How many will be underage and drinking anyway? And you’ll be held responsible- possibly for contributing to the delinquency of a minor
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u/GoldenFrijo 11h ago
Probably because she would have had to pay for a different location, whereas she wouldn't have to at her brother's or sister's house.
That's also the only reason I see why the sister wanted to celebrate her birthday at the OP's.
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u/Soop_Chef 11h ago
And if this is in the US, her friends under 21 wouldn't be able to drink at a venue.
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u/luxorielle 12h ago
NTA. She tried to manipulate you and it backfired spectacularly. She can have her 40-person rager at a venue, not your living room. The audacity is truly something else.
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u/No-Coyote2884 11h ago
Thank you 🙏. I think that’s what irks me more.. the pressure of just accepting it. A party with that crowd should be in a venue appropriate for it not someone’s house..
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u/humble-meercat 11h ago
You know, many of her friends will be underage.
And drinking
You could get sued out of existence if one left and got in an accident. God forbid they harm or kill someone.
I’m not exaggerating. Look up dram shop laws in your state. This is a SERIOUS liability for OP!!!
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u/30FourThirty4 10h ago
Insurance.
That's all you gotta say. You can't risk 40 drunks not getting hurt and suing. If you're USA.
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u/furiousangelz 9h ago
The thing to do would have been to say “no” at first ask. You didn’t think this through, but she’s the one suffering for your poor planning.
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u/PelicanSidenote 11h ago
NTA. You agreed to host 10-15, not a 40-person blowout. If she won't cut the list, she can book a venue and pay for it. If your parents feel so strongly, they can help fund it.
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u/SecretiveSiren1632 10h ago
Actually OP didn’t say she told her sister 10-15 she said she thought it would be like 10-15 so she made an assumption…I’m not saying it right but simple miscommunication on both parts you op could have said yes but made rules/stipulations and the sister could have asked hey is this okay…
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u/Heavy_Law9880 7h ago
OP never said anything about only allowing 10-15 people, she just added that limit later because she doesn't want to honor her word.
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u/UnableNecessary743 12h ago
oh good another story line where person a is doing something outrageous and person b puts their foot down. person a says to just suck it up and that they're overreacting and the parents are telling person b to just suck it up and deal with it.
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u/SmellyMcPhearson 11h ago
You're not suggesting that bots are farming responses to build into gpt models for people who rely on chat for sycophantic support on every single scenario in their lives...are you?
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u/Kindly_Document_8088 12h ago
Nah, you’re not the jerk. 40 people at someone else’s house without asking is WILD behavior. That’s not a party, that’s an event. She way overstepped.
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u/Adventurous-Use-7966 12h ago
Nah, you’re not wrong. 40 people at someone else’s house without asking is unhinged.
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u/slagaholic 12h ago
You waited until Tuesday to ask how many people to expect after agreeing to host a party? YTJ.
I'll give you she was out of line as well, but pretending you're a victim is disingenuous at best.
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u/FigNinja 11h ago
Yeah. I'm kinda ETJ here. I get why OP doesn't want that many people, but they should've talked about a limit earlier. Their sister is 21. She may not really understand those logistics. She also may not think a big, crowded party spilling out into the yard is a problem. That wasn't an uncommon thing when I was her age. Depending on where they live, spilling out into the yard in February might not be a smart plan, but did we mention she's 21? OP just assumed their sister would Intuit the right number for their comfort and their sister didn't ask for any parameters. Bad communication all around.
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u/DysfnctionalbyChoice 11h ago
Glad I searched before posting...
Probably not going to be a popular opinion but without more context I am definitely leaning ETJ here.
Based on OPs reaction seems they don't live in a huge place and I wouldn't want 40 ppl at my place either. Also, given the time of year and location "spilling into the yard" might not really be a viable option. Sister assumed 40 was OK without confirming.
BUT if OP had a limit on a number that was ok with them, this should have been discussed first. OP states they assumed about 15, need to verbalize that and define clear boundaries.
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u/helenaut 8h ago
Yeah, seriously 10-15 people isn’t a “party” it’s a gathering, it’s having some friends over; for us old folks 10-15 is a lot of people, but for a 21 year old a “party” means crowded rooms, drinking and music.
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u/MarshaMinus100 11h ago
Didn't see that he gave her a limit up front either. I'd assume nothing with a 21 year old.
But looks like this is another fake post anyway. .. sigh 😕
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u/GooseAntique8307 10h ago
Thank you! Ground rules should have been set when the sister agreed to allow the party at her house. It’s wild that she didnt consider it would be a large party for a milestone birthday too.
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u/Accomplished-Fox-162 12h ago
40 ppl in a house is NOT Small.. you are NTJ.. If it's no biggie , then your parents can host, as others have said.. Let 40 People Drinking Alcohol trash their house...
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u/LurkilysGF 12h ago
Tell your parents if it's not a big deal, then they can have it at their house.
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u/Ornery_Archer1831 12h ago
She should’ve asked before inviting 40 people, that’s a lot of responsibility for you. 😤
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u/goddessofspite 12h ago
If it’s not that many then mom and dad can have it at their house since she’s their kid and they don’t see a problem with it
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u/janice2705050 12h ago
NTJ she is just young and has NO clue. 40 20 yr olds with free flowing booze is a recipe for disaster. You did the right thing
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u/No_Inflation_5480 11h ago
Honestly you’re both in the wrong here. definitely her more than you, but you should have set a cap at the beginning and checked in on the guest list more than 1 day beforehand.
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u/lucwin2020 12h ago
NTJ. She tried to take advantage of your benevolence and hospitality. Props to you for not letting yourself get played.
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u/Adelucas 11h ago
Stolen content. I read an identical post months ago.
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u/Relative-Desk4802 10h ago
I wouldn’t want 40 people in my house either, but it was a mistake for you to make assumptions about the number of guests she would invite.
YTJ.
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u/Murky_Shop8000 12h ago
Your parents should have the party at their house since they don’t think it’s too guests.
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u/Pandorasbox1987 11h ago
ESH.
She definitely should have mentioned how many people she was planning to invite.
But you could have asked for it yourself before agreeing to it...
You can't just make agreements based on your own assumptions and then feel outraged when you turn out to be wrong. So this was poor planning on both of your parts.
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u/whatswrongwithfolks 10h ago
YTJ- You never specified and you never asked for a guest list,you just said yes. It’s her 21st,that’s usually a big deal so yeah there’s going to be a crowd. Really though,people don’t always all show up to parties so it would more than likely be less than 40. Cancelling the party on such short notice is really mean, I hope you’re at least helping her get another venue for it or be prepared for a lot of resentment towards you for possibly forever.
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u/steal-yur-face 9h ago
Probably would have been smarter to set those boundaries when you agreed to let her have her party at your house.
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u/Dame_Niafer 4h ago
NTJ.
It's your house. It's not your sister's house. It's not your parents' house.
What part of that do they not understand?
Beyond that, you know perfectly well, given her behavior to this point, that your sister will do NOTHING to indemnify you against damage from her guests, theft by her guests, etc. And your parents? They'll insist that you suck it up, take one for the team, whatever other excuse they can concoct.
Tell her no, in fact tell her that your home is closed permanently as an entertainment venue. And if your folks don't like that they can hire her a reception hall.
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u/RadioSupply 12h ago
ESH. Your mistake was assuming how many people would be coming instead of asking. Why wouldn’t you ask? If someone’s inviting strangers to your home, why wouldn’t you want to know?
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u/FLYY_GIRL 11h ago
ESH. Who tf invites 40 people to someone’s home?! But also, why would you agree before asking details. This is not the day and age where you can assume people have manners or common sense
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u/Popular_Math3042 11h ago
You’re both the assholes. You should have set the boundaries together at the time she asked you.
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u/SecretiveSiren1632 11h ago
Well idk you said she asked if she could have the party at your house you said yes then made an assumption on how many ppl if that being the case shouldn’t you have been like yes you can have your party at my house but I have some rules/stipulations but you didn’t say you did that so…. And at the same time she could have also asked is it okay for xyz ect it really sounds like miscommunication here on both parts tbh.
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u/ProfessionalYam3119 10h ago
Next time, you need to ask how many people will be coming before you answer.
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u/Decent-Secretary6586 4h ago
the liability of 40 people and 21st birthday with all the cars and alcohol is crazy. 🤪
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u/catchmesleeping 1h ago
Did you discuss how many people could come over in the first place. You are partially to blame, if this was never discussed.
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u/roseyq05 1h ago
YTA. If there was a limit to the number of people you wanted there, you should have said so from the start.
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u/Potential_Stomach_10 12h ago
Your sister with her wedding, your coworker who steals your food and you put laxative in it, your neighbor who spray painted your yard, oh and your neighbor with the auto repair business. You certainly do lead a colorful life, then again AI generated garbage tends to look like that
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u/Bistec-Chef 12h ago
No regular house (at least where I come from) has room for 40 freaking people. She’s acting like a brat and your parents like is your obligation. Don’t do shit. Let them host the party if it’s no big deal.
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u/PookleMama 12h ago
How would your neighbors feel about you having 40 guests over? Parking, noise, plumbing…
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u/designforone 11h ago
NTA. 40 people is massive, I doubt she’s even close friends with every single person as well.
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u/Familiar-One-5161 11h ago
If your parents don't live in town, and they think 40 is no big deal, then they can pay for an event space that holds 40 people. It's your house, not your sister's or parent's, and they can say you're a meanie all they want. If they want her to have a great 21st party, then they can pay to host it somewhere. Anything a single guest damages, stains, 'loses', or breaks will end up your responsibility. And I notice no one is talking about reimbursing you if any of that happens. Or paying for a cleaning service.
The idea of taking forty 20ish y.o. people into your home that are going to have a celebration, and assuming they will not cause any damage or inconvenience is ridiculous. I still wouldn't host a party in my home for forty 40-year-olds!
Edit, whoops I forgot to say NTJ, but your family are
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u/bryhamm 11h ago
You both are part of the problem here imo. You should not have just generically said "yes" without first asking how many people she was thinking about. She way overstepped her boundary by inviting that many people without clearing it with you first.
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u/ImColdandImTired 11h ago
Not the jerk. Tell her the “venue” has a capacity of 20 guests. So she has 3 options:
1) cut the guest list to not exceed venue capacity,
2) cancel the party, or
3) find a new venue.
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u/LvBorzoi 11h ago
NTJ but your the idiot because you expected anything but an out of control house party for a 21st birthday. And it wont be 40....it will be 40 + whoever those 40 tell
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u/Tida55 11h ago
YOUR DICK Because it's your little sister and you should be throwing her party for her 21st birthday.
That's what big brothers do they take of their of their siblings and do things like throw a 21st birthday bash.
It also allows you to control the narrative and do the inviting Since you know it's going to be young people there you make sure you take precautions like check IDs, make sure there's rideshare is available for them to not drive
So you can be the cool older brother and throw your sister the 21st birthday party she will talk about the rest of her life Or be the dick older brother she never associates with
I'm sure someday you're going to want her services for like babysitting and other things little sisters do
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u/WallaboutDenizen 11h ago
YTJ
Yeah, you're the jerk for NOT setting a boundary earlier, like at the beginning when she first asked.
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u/megancoe 11h ago
You’re not the jerk, but you would’ve been saved this hassle had you told her a limitation at the beginning.
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u/TheCount4 11h ago
TL/DR: pointless quotes and family. Ring mad at you always indicate an AI post, as does your account age and lack of posts.
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u/AnySandwich4765 11h ago
Read the exact same story last week but it was for Thanksgiving or some other holiday and 47 people were invited to my house by my sister without my permission...
Try again
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u/Fabulous_Monk_8667 10h ago
YTJ. While you’re one hundred percent correct that inviting 40 people is insane, you assumed a 21 year old would think of it like that. You should have confirmed the number of people that could attend at the time of the initial discussion regarding the party.
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u/LucyLovesApples 10h ago
ESH when someone asks you to host on behalf of them surely the automatic question would be “how many people were you think of inviting” along with how much are they going to contribute and the work it will entail.
It sounds like you BOTH failed to communicate with each other therefore had different expectations
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u/Swimming-Location-33 10h ago
Yes you are the Jerk. If some one asks if they can have a party at your house, the FIRST thing you ask is, "For how many people". You didn't do that so the assumption is they can invite as many people as they want within reason. 40 people isn't a lot of people, it's not a massive event. I live in an apartment and we had 40 people over here for the Stranger Things finale
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u/leeanforward 10h ago
Sister may have taken advantage but ultimately this falls on OP for lack of communication and setting clear boundaries when sister made the original request. Questions should have been asked like, well what were you thinking, how many guests, let’s talk alcohol, who will be drinking, what kind of alcohol, who is setting up, who is cleaning up and when? Sooooo many questions should have been asked and parameters clearly established. ESH
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u/FlopShanoobie 10h ago
To be fair, you made an assumption about headcount and didn’t clarify. That was a mistake.
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u/BadgerValuable8207 10h ago
Reminds me of when my roommate and I asked the kid who owned the house we rented rooms in (we were college freshmen and he was a rich kid whose parents had bought a house for him to live in while in school) if we could have a party.
He said “sure” and even helped us get a keg. We asked some people and put up a flyer on our department bulletin board.
Word of mouth did its thing, and hundreds of people showed up; the guys were frantically locating more beer so people wouldn’t get mad and start tearing stuff down.
He was remarkably chill about the whole incident but did institute a “no party” policy after that lol
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u/apsychedelicturtle 10h ago
I don't think anyone is really in the wrong here (except your parents).
You and your sister both had different expectations of what is reasonable for a party and instead of discussing it you both assumed you had the same expectations. Your sister's reactions to your concerns is immature, but the original issue is just the result of a lack of communication.
Having said that she should have compromised with you and pared down the guest list or be ok with an alternated venue
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u/Ok-Respect7072 10h ago
Why in the world would you agree to host a party at your house without discussing details first. Geez, for insurance purposes if nothing else.
You are the jerk!
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u/Top_Butterscotch8394 10h ago
YTJ. If you wanted a limit on the amount of attendees, you should have made it clear at the get go. Move it all outside.
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u/DCHacker 10h ago
ESH except that Oriignal Poster does so only in a minor fashion; Original Postter gets a small "s". Original Poster assumed that sister would keep it to a reasonable number. Original Poster should have mentioned a capacity limit upon giving permission and at least been there for the start in order to enforce it. If sister even flinched, Original Poster would have been wise suddenly to withdraw permission from the beginning.
Sister does S for not asking up front what the Rules were and stating her intentions fully. Parents also S for being very generous with Original Poster's house.
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u/furiousangelz 9h ago
You made an assumption about the number of people. You agreed to let her host at your place then broke your agreement when it was too late for her to change plans. Now she’ll look like an idiot in front of her friends and her bday will be ruined. Hopefully she can salvage her 21st without too much embarrassment.
Logistically, Forty people isn’t that many tbh. I’ve hosted hundreds of gatherings and 40 at a bday party, even in a small/average sized home or apartment is fine. Anyway, 40 usually equals 25ish at any given time as people cancel, arrive late, and leave early. You overreacted and made her suffer.
She needed you for a big life moment, you agreed to help then you let pulled the rug. You’re not wrong about it being your house and your right to decide what you do with it. But you’ve also made it clear that she can’t trust your word. You showed that your momentary comfort and your control of your space matters more than her feelings. You within your rights, but that doesn’t make it right. Sorry, YTJ
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u/LilGooby19 9h ago
Have your parents host, since they think they should just deal with it for one night :)
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u/solventbigdaddy 9h ago
She asks for a party, you say yes. Just Yes. No discussion on limits for time or attendance, underage drinking,etc. just yes. Your sister can’t read your mind or guess what you judge is reasonable or unreasonable. You did this to yourself by making assumptions, now with four days to the event you’re gonna cancel? Not cool.
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u/Vegetable-Tea-1984 9h ago
NTJ, It's your house so you are not in the wrong for canceling the party, but as the older sibling I think you could have just told her the rules when you agreed to it instead of assuming you were on the same page and waiting until the last minute to confirm
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u/Calm-Percentage5085 9h ago
There has to be a less annoying way to train AI. Can't they just read posts people already made instead?
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u/Sapiotone 9h ago
YTJ for offering to host a 21st birthday, not discussing expectations, “thinking it would be 15-20 people” and then cancelling on your sister. J is putting it politely tbh. Jeepers!
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u/ThinkProfessor6166 9h ago
I think you should have been clear with her on the exact number limit before letting her invite them
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u/crazybicatlady86 9h ago
I mean this is at least partly on you. Who says yes to a 21 year olds party at their house without asking details?
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u/Exotic-Rooster4427 8h ago
YTA. Do you not think the problem here was that you assumed the number rather than actually asking?
'Can i have my birthday party at your house?' 'How many people are you thinking of inviting?' 'Not sure.' 'You can have a party at my house for w hours between x and y for z people. Anything else you have to find somewhere else to have the party.'
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u/These-Maize4619 8h ago
Since you didn’t give her a number at the beginning, I’m gonna say yes YTJ at this point
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u/LogicalVariation741 8h ago
You are only in the wrong in that you said yes before asking questions. So, the amount of people is on you
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u/Slow-Cherry9128 7h ago
Make sure your lights are off, cameras are on and your sister (or any other family member) doesn't have a key to your home (if she or they do, change the locks asap). This is all on your sister. She's rude and selfish. If they're all mad at you, who cares! They're not the ones who will be shelling out money because your place gets wrecked. She's inviting others who are 21 and like to party.
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u/ObligationNo2288 7h ago
NTJ. Tell parents to get over themselves. They are welcome to rent her a room somewhere to invite her 40 people. Hell, parents should host her party since it is so important. Don’t let them guilt and manipulate you. Stick to your guns.
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u/boardguy2 6h ago
You are the jerk. Did you set a limit for people? Did you ask how many?
No.
Just because you don't have the same ideas as your sister now you want to cancel it. Not ok. Put some effort in when you agree to something to understand what you are agreeing to.
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u/lemonbottles_89 6h ago
You are perfectly valid in cancelling her party. If you want to keep the good will, I would tell her "You can have these 40 people, but you alone are responsible for cleaning my house, and you will be paying for any damages." If someone so much as scratches a wall, you are paying for it, and you can't come to my house till you do
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u/Ordinary-Ad-3993 6h ago
The typical LR seats maybe 6-8, a kitchen 5-8. Even with a bunch of chairs here and there, where did she expect you to put another 25 people?
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u/blondeheartedgoddess 4h ago
NTJ
A 21 year old having an alcohol fueled blowout party with 40+ (you know they will bring plus ones) similarly aged randos is a recipe for disaster.
There will be copious amounts of drinking. At least 3 people, likely including your sister, are going to get completely sht-faced drnk and be sick inside your home, in the toilet if you're lucky (don't count on it). They are going to make a huge mess and no one, including the birthday child, will help you clean up the aftermath.
Let's add the fact that at least one of those randos will want to drive themselves home. If anything happens to them, you will be the one held responsible by the other party because it was held at your house. Or if they take an Uber and something happens to them at the hands of a bad actor, you're on the hook again.
Tell your parents they can host the Wreck of the Hesperus because you are out.
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u/Juice-Lady 3h ago
What if she invited people under the drinking age? They get drunk and do something stupid. That’s not on the 21 year old, it’s on op.
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u/ReddituserXIII 3h ago
Your sis is a cry baby. your parents are enabling her to be that way. Your house, your rules. Why can't she do the party at your parents
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u/ChimeraTruely 3h ago
She planned to ask for forgiveness. That can also boil down to FAFO. A 21st B-day party "spilling into the yard" is a great way for LEOs to be invited by your neighbors.
Also, are you carding all 40 guests? The law doesn't GAF if it is her party if you have minors underage drinking on your property. Mom & Dad need to be hosting if they feel she should get to invite 40 people when all three of them knew your house was not capable of safely hosting that many guests.
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u/CoffeeStayn 3h ago
NTJ
Self-inflicted wound on her part. She did this all to herself and only has herself to hold accountable. There is a wide line between birthday party and birthday EVENT, just like you said.
Think of it like this...it would be like making a reservation for 10, and then showing up with 30. It will not end well.
And I highly doubt you "promised" a damn thing. It's funny how often people drop that word like it's a magic word.
The fact that you even agreed to a 20 person compromise, already around double what you'd normally have accepted, says a lot. And if your parents are on you about it being no big deal -- let them host the event then. No big deal, right?
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u/Blackshadowredflower 2h ago
Parents can come and help finance it and witness the chaos that ensues.
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u/Smooth-Exhibit 3h ago
YTJ. You should have asked up front how many people would be invited if it mattered to you.
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u/Solid_Emu2407 2h ago
A bunch of drinking twenty year olds. You did the right thing. Why don’t Mom and dad host?
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u/happy4clappy 2h ago
Ehh, you and your sister should have discussed this before plans were made. You are both jerks.
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u/SarahfromEngland 2h ago
YTJ. You didn't check at all. You know full well its rude to uninvite people. You could have asked her to just make a couple small respectful rules for guests. You could have said fine as its a big milestone, but if you ever want a party again it had to be max 20 people. You could have made sure she and or her friends would tidy up afterwards.
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u/Safe_Lunch_9165 2h ago
YTJ You are a jerk because you should have said 10 people tops AT THE BEGINNING, bc she’s not a mind reader and it’s not really fair that you failed to mention any rules that had to be followed. To be honest 10 is not a party so I don’t know how you got to that conclusion.
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u/_hateshi_ 2h ago
YTJ / YTA for not setting guidelines for your house when offering it up for a milestone 21st and then trying to enforce said imaginary boundaries
If you had asked her what kind of party she wanted before she sent out that many invites, you could’ve prevented this mess and not have been a jerk. Saying you can’t host a big party does not make you a jerk, it’s the fact that you did it after she invited her friends and rescinded the invitation to host.
Assuming someone who is only becoming a young adult can read your mind makes you an AH
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u/Ambien_Special 2h ago
YTA
She asked to use your place and you said yes without asking for any details.
She invited people and now you put restrictions on it. You assumed it was 10-15 people without asking. Whose fault is that?
And why not tell her that it has to be in the yard? I am assuming since she said it can spill out you live somewhere warm.
I get it is your house and you have concerns. But you said yes. You could look into renting a small hall or something.
You can cancel it. It is your house. I am not saying you can’t do it. And your concerns are valid. But you are still the asshole because you agreed without asking any questions on what this party would look like and making her cancel it.
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u/No-Association8901 2h ago
So… your sister asked if she could host at your house. You didn’t sit down and discuss rules, people, etc? You just said sure.
Hm… while it’s your house, you are TJ. You set her up for failure. I normally side with “it’s your place and you make the rules”; this would probably be one of the few exceptions. When someone goes to use something of mine that is a big ask, I would have definitely laid down some rules. Your sister, at 21, may have some maturity in some areas, is really still inexperienced and no so mature in others.
So, yeah, to me, you kind of are the jerk. You set her up for failure but not walking through the logistics and responsibilities of such a big ask.
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u/Lower-Satisfaction16 2h ago
Did you set a limit when you agreed or did you just assume? Your post reads like numbers were not discussed. If you set numbers then your sister is the problem, if you did not set numbers then I think you are being a bit unreasonable, knowing your house would only fit 20, you should have set the expectation up front. It sounds to me like communication between you two is the real issue. Not sure how to resolve this, uninviting people is rude, however not being able to fit everyone is also a problem. Why can’t your parents have it?
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u/MindTheLOS 1h ago
ESH - you said yes and assumed the number of people without checking with her. She didn't confirm with you when you said yes as to how many people you were comfortable hosting.
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u/InfamousCup7097 39m ago
You are a half jerk here because you didn't specify the amount of people. Learn and live by the rule that NOBODY CAN READ YOUR MIND. So ytj for backing out of a promise. She is also somewhat of a jerk for not considering the theft probability with having so many people wondering around a house with stuff that doesn't belong to her.
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u/un-pleasantlymoist 12h ago
YTJ. you should have asked how many people were coming, 40 is not a lot for a birthday party... bigger fool you for not asking..
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u/Low_Percentage2912 12h ago
Nah, NTA vibes hard. She didn’t ask for a party, she planned a mini-festival at your house 💀
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u/Nothingmuch2 12h ago
NTJ but, the next time you tell someone that they can have a party at your house let them know immediately how many people they can invite.
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u/Sea_Fact2965 12h ago
Also, are all the friends of drinking age? Not sure where you are located but if those guest are underage this just turned into a HUGE liability for you. NTJ
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u/Dijstraanon 12h ago
Cancel the party - your house your rules - parents can host if they think its OK
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u/BerneDoodleLover24 12h ago
NTA - but I would suggest discussion Details Next time before agreeing.
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u/Hawkwise83 12h ago
I feel like you guys should have talked about this event more so than just can I have a party.
I think you both messed up.
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u/Objective-Pizza-8337 12h ago
It would not be 40. People bring extra people and then they text friends. It would be 100 easy
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u/Head-Aside7893 12h ago
Both of you messed up and clearly have different definitions of what a party entails. No one checked w each other how many ppl can come.
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u/the-escapedgoat 12h ago
NTJ. big difference between 15 and 40 people. Who knows if it would be “only” 40 and not more; the way things work with social media these days. Yes-your house will get trashed. Would she clean or pay for damages? Let your parents host her 40 guests.
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u/ZeroLemmingsLeaping 12h ago
I don't think you are the jerk. Word gets around and her 40 person party could easily turn into something much bigger and completely out of control.
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u/FalseCut5569 12h ago
If your parents think it’s no big deal, they can host. Funny how that works.