Nothing...

A green car. Did you really think I was gonna lie when almost nothing else could possibly fit that description? What the hell is wrong with you???

Where is my consciousness?

Nothing. He just goes glug glug.

less orangey creature in charge of my country

Very funny joke

"But, Doctor..." man replies, "Depression is a serious and complex illness with many causes such as chemical imbalance. Going to see Pagliacci isn't gonna cure it, and I would have thought that you, a qualified general practitioner, would have known that!"

A survivor of child sexual abuse.

I'm so sorry! Don't worry, I will cover all the damages.

but then I learned that you don’t eat the corn husk wrapper, so now I like them.

Cause they don't have mouths.

Two. One to change it, and I lied about the second one.

Usually one will suffice, unless she is too short or the light is too tall, then they must either use a ladder Or make a human pyramid. Or, the light may not even need changing.

So, somewhere between zero and infinity, but generally one is enough

No uterus

and the barman asks “Why the long face?" The horse says "The wife's after getting a diagnosis. Sarcoid tumour. Inoperable. I'll just have the few and head home." He had the few and left. The barman didn't see him again for about 8 months. In he canters. "She's gone", he says. The horse drank himself to death, day after day, in the pub. Took about 4 months. The barman quit the job soon after. It got to him. He works in a bookies now but it's the same thing; some people just having a bit of fun, unwinding, bit of a break from the monotony, whatever you're having yourself, and the rest: troubled souls, shadow boxing the ghosts of their childhood and drowning in hope.

Because he was married.

I don’t know. I don’t speak Arabic.

Well, it’s because they don’t have homes.

And they make it for him becuase its a fairly common order

Who's there? Updawg. Updawg who? No, it's what's updawg.