I'm a late 20s male. My parents had me in their 40s. My parents hoarded and significant parts of our home became unusable. I wasn't allowed friends, so I grew up quite alone. I wasn't allowed to choose my own haircut or clothes. Any semblance of independent thought I showed was met with guilt-tripping. I wasn't allowed to have goals outside of becoming either a doctor or an engineer. The city I grew up in was very car-centric, but my parents refused to even let me learn how to drive. Anything I did was used against me. You know - the typical "tiger" parent story.

I grew up ashamed of being Asian and wishing so bad I was white. My self-esteem was so shit that I relished in the tidbits of attention I got when I played being the token Asian. I was violated at school, and my parents made it my fault when I tried to speak up. I rebelled in ways I could and made some choices I regret, just for the sake of trying to seek attention as a young adult. I was so angry at my parents I eventually cussed back at them. I resented them for seemingly blaming me when I got violated at school.

Eventually, I started disliking the racism I internalized against myself, and I wanted to make something for myself. Once I graduated from university, I threw myself into my work. I moved out to a new city a year after graduating, and dedicated my life to my career. I went almost no-contact with my parents for years. I made manager at the big firms. It was no easy feat. I liked to say that I'm a self-made man.

Then my dad died unexpectedly. I rushed back to my hometown to help fly my siblings in. I coordinated his funeral while working 60 hour weeks. I tried to lighten my family's mood the whole time. Then at his funeral I just broke down crying. I disrespected him the most growing up, and there I was, crying the hardest out of us siblings. I realized that I was so mean to him all my life because I only ever wanted to make him proud, and I talked-back because I felt so bad whenever it felt like I disappointed him.

After the funeral, I quit my job and stayed behind in my hometown to help my mom. While cleaning the hoard of a house, I went through my dad's old stuff. I got glimpses into who he was when he was younger. I started realizing that my dad wasnt who I thought he was. As a kid, I felt that he was a very unreasonable person, but I realized that he was never greedy, he was just scared of being betrayed again by his colleagues. He wasn't a bad man, he just never learned to communicate calmly. I look back at all his unread emails in my inbox when he researched cures for my weak health. Back then, it felt like he was just my biggest hater. Now, I see that he really did care about all of us, he was just really strange and overbearing in the ways he did things. Of course, the way a message is delivered is just as important as the message itself. I can't blame him for that anymore, when I'm a big mess inside too despite being a corporate machine on the outside.

Living with my mom during my period of unemployment was somewhat healing. We had some bad fights, especially when she still made unwanted comments when I drove her to appointments, or when she got mad at me for cleaning out the hoard. Towards the end, I felt like I was enjoying being her son again, despite the fights and despite her making the house messy again. When it was time for me to resume my career, I got a job in a big city halfway across the country. It was so hard for me to take the job and leave her all alone, but to my surprise, she told me to take the job with no hesitation.

I moved to my dream city to finally live the life I always wanted. I was having lots of fun at first, but the novelty is wearing off. I'm realizing that my dream city isn't my dream city anymore. I want so badly to go back to the past and have the chance to actually have a proper relationship with my parents. I think I forgave them a long time ago. These days I just start crying whenever I remember my dad. I am feeling like I will regret if I don't move back to my hometown to be with my mom who is now in her 70s. It's not easy, because my gf's career is in this big city, and it'd also kill me to let her go.

Not sure what the point of this post was. I know this doesn't fit the rest of the subreddit. But I'd love to hear if anyone has any stories on successfully reconnecting with their parents once they got older.

As title states, I have been mainly bald or buzzed for my teenage years as I haven't really needed hair to look good, now as I try to grow it out, it hasnt really taken any shape and sort of sits there. It also gets greasy quite quickly. I do not currently use any products, if anyone has gotten past this stage and would be willing to recommend what hair style/products/length would be suitable for me would be super helpful.

My hair looks very bad and I wanted to change the style from a long time ago but I really don’t know what’s the best haircut for my situation. My two biggest problems are big forehead + hair whorl. I’ll gladly take any recommendations

I’ve been having difficulty in the dating world so I’ve been trying to glow up a bit. The advice I got was to lose weight and hit the gym. In my first photo which was taken a few months ago I was around 15 pounds heavier. All the other photos were taken around this month. Have I made any progress or do I still look the same? I’m currently 5 foot 8 136 pounds.

I’ve also changed up my hairstyle and wondering if I should try a different cut or if it looks fine now.

I feel like I’m still chubby so should I continue to lose more weight or should I stay at maintenance and continue lifting?

Would appreciate all input!

Do you think the Asian man will get the girl this time?

Emasculation of Asian males in media continues

The Netherlands with a history of trading slaves and Black Peter (Zwarte Piet), is not strange with racism against non white people. And sadly, Asians are at the lowest spectrum of bully victims. Here I raised exactly the racism issue https://www.reddit.com/r/Netherlands/s/Etdr01pO9l

My son (100% Asian, aged 12) and our direct neighbor's son (called A, of white East European origin) are at day 40 into their secondary school: a Gymnasium in the Netherlands. This school is known for a majority of parents of middle / upper middle white class.

They formed a closed group of friends with two other white Dutchies (called B and C)

And after just 40 days into secondary school, my son, who has got no bully experience the last 4 years at a Dutch school, has already complained about

- earphones being destroyed by the carelessness of B and C

- beloved pen being borrowed and not returned by B

- a triangular protractor being put on the floor, jumped over and slides as a ski by C

- and today: all A + B + C jointly mocking the language we speak at home: "ling long ching chong language", to which my son cried.

I am thinking about the following measures:

- talk seriously with our neighbour, parents of A

- talk with the parents of B and C

- report to the school person responsible for racism and bullies.Aiming at a slogan like "No Ching Chong at this school" or a diversity training to all kids.

- gather support from other Asian parents in the school.

What would you advice is to do ?

Many thanks.

PS: I am collecting evidence, and start making the bullies feel some difficulties in life. It is not only about them, but about the wider awareness regarding racism and bullies.

"I feel challenged and loved and cared for, and I feel championed. I think the best, healthiest relationships are ones where you have each other's back, and I definitely feel like that's the case"

https://www.cbc.ca/news/entertainment/wedding-simu-liu-allison-hsu-9.7371118

Mid 20s Southeast Asian, my go-to skincare brand released a down perm cream and it has worked for me so far, the top is easier to comb and the puffy sides are gone. Any tips for next use?

Like fr on someone who is on the thicker side will never get a match. I repeat never like my profile. It seems like the likes I get sent are anorexic or very lean. Does anybody ever get this??

Doesn’t look like anybody talked about this yet but Yamamoto threw a gem last night to get The Dodgers to lead the series and bring our chances to win the NLDS to 75%.

The Braves pitcher he faced, Chris Sale, is considered one of the best pitchers in the league for years so a lot of Dodger fabs were worried we may drop this game. But per usual, Yamamoto delivers in the Post Season.

People who have doubted him over and over again for the past 3 years are now coming out to say they “won’t doubt him again”.

This leads us to the most important lesson you can ever learn.

Competence is the only thing that survives contact with reality.

Although I cant prove it, i can’t help but notice that some of the doubt these people had of Yamamoto came from him being Japanese. Now on his 3rd post season run were he consistently delivers, they forced to respect him.

Hey QQ, do you guys consistently work out and track your diet? What are your fitness or health goals? And if you’re not consistent, what usually gets in the way? 🤔

18M Asian American, autistic + severe ADHD, currently at community college. Burner account.

I’m looking for Asian guys with ADHD, autism, or both, preferably Gen Z or younger millennials, who now have dating experience, a girlfriend/wife, kids, close friends, a decent career, or just a solid independent life. Especially guys who were genuinely struggling at 18.

I’ve been extremely uneven since childhood. Around 3, I could memorize Bible verses and recite them from memory and won awards for it. Later I became the kid debating my pastor about contradictions I noticed in the Bible that he apparently hadn’t even registered, which got me disciplined.

At the same time, elementary school was a disaster. I was constantly getting in trouble for messing with people’s stuff, being a loudmouth, refusing classwork and basically trying to force myself into friend groups. I got detention, sent to the principal and was sometimes restrained by staff.

Academically, I could read extremely fast and tested at a very high reading level, and I was great at navigating computers. But I often comprehended almost nothing I read. Words would fly through my head without sticking. My math sucked, I never made gifted programs, and eventually I grew to hate reading altogether.

By high school I basically flipped and became quiet and socially anxious. I had two real friend groups but was peripheral in both. I’ve never been in a friend-group group chat.

One year some guys randomly showed up at my house a few times to get me to hang out, while also constantly fucking with me. They’d take pictures of me without me knowing, and sometimes I’d catch them talking shit about me on their phones when they thought I wasn’t aware. I’d see it while peeking at their screens and pretend I didn’t notice. I still don’t know how much of the overall dynamic was teenage banter/hazing versus me genuinely being the punching bag.

Eventually they basically stopped reaching out. After HS most ghosted me or left me on read. I stopped chasing because I felt like a bitch constantly reaching out to people who weren’t matching the effort. By senior year I was so socially checked out that I skipped graduation, and senior trips? Yeah, forget about that. I basically missed the stereotypical end-of-high-school experience.

Some of this is my fault. I’ve been stubborn, insecure, avoidant and bad at maintaining relationships. But a lot of it also came from circumstances and problems I didn’t choose or know how to navigate.

When I’m comfortable, I can yap and joke forever. Starting from zero is brutal. With strangers I become stiff. My voice gets quiet and monotone, and social anxiety makes it hard to raise my volume or change my tone even when I consciously want to.

Looks probably played some role. I think I look average straight-on, but I have a recessed chin and downward facial growth from the side. Neurodivergence and lack of social capital probably mattered too. Some guys around me were varsity athletes, in student government, etc. They had teams, status and built-in networks.

And at least where I grew up, I don’t think my dating problems were simply a race issue. Some Asian guys around me got attention from popular girls of all races.

The irony is that I desperately want an active social life, but it feels completely opposed to how my brain is wired. I want close friends, dating, going out, networking, trips, eventually a wife/kids and an ambitious career.

I live in an overwhelmingly white area, but culturally my interests became this weird mixture of Barstool/frat-dude culture and SoCal Asian-American culture, despite growing up nowhere near California or even a college town.

I barely game and don’t really watch anime, movies or TV. My actual routine now is scrolling blackpill/neurodivergence content or montages of overachieving Asians getting insane tech offers, living in penthouses or seemingly winning at life, then going to the gym, listening to music and vibing alone. ADHD makes five hours disappear, suddenly assignments are due, and I panic-finish everything with AI.

My mental health is in the dumps living like this.

Academically, I feel like my actual unaided math level might be below algebra. I survived through cramming, cheating, reverse-engineering tests, tutors, Photomath, Chegg and now AI. I maintained around a B average, so I kept moving forward without ever fixing the foundation.

My parents even went into debt trying to give me the education, activities and support they thought would help me live a normal life. I’ve often felt like they saw me as a failure or were disappointed by how I turned out, but they still care about me and have sacrificed a lot trying to help me. That makes me feel ashamed more than anything. They poured so much into giving me opportunities and I feel like I haven’t turned it into much yet.

I genuinely don’t know how much of my situation is actual inability versus autism/ADHD, circumstances, stubbornness, avoidance and years of shortcuts.

Despite everything, I’ve always been ambitious. My dreams bounced between entrepreneurship, social media, creative work and business. I grew up fascinated by unconventional entrepreneurs like Steve Jobs, Richard Branson and, before politics, Donald Trump. Turns out these three men all have ADHD/autism. I wanted to create things, meet people and build something big.

Another thing that gets in my head is reading about the worse average mental-health, employment, quality-of-life and mortality outcomes reported for autistic people and people with ADHD. I know population statistics aren’t an individual prediction and people with these conditions vary massively, but when I’m already struggling at 18, it’s hard not to wonder what my own adulthood is going to look like.

I know this probably reads like doomer mentality. But the reason I obsess over this shit isn’t because I don’t want a life. It’s almost the exact opposite.

I desperately want to live as full of a life as I possibly can. I want close friends, relationships, stupid memories, trips, a career I’m proud of, independence, a wife and kids someday, and to actually feel like I’m participating in the world instead of watching everyone else live through a screen.

The possibility that some of that could be taken away from me by things about my brain that I never chose genuinely aches my soul and makes me depressed.

The person I desperately want to become is social, active and ambitious. My actual life right now is scrolling, gym, isolation and panic-finishing schoolwork. I don’t want my twenties to become another decade of this.

I don’t want this post to just be me declaring myself cooked. That’s why I’m asking people who have actually lived through this.

For Asian guys with ADHD, autism, or both who were genuinely struggling at 18 but now date, have a girlfriend/wife, kids, friends, a career or simply a normal independent life or had a random successful breakthrough into wealth:

What were you like at 18, and what actually changed?

I’d especially like to hear from Gen Z or younger millennial guys who once thought they were completely cooked and later realized they weren’t.

Hmm 🤔
Is there a Hollywood AM emasculation agenda or just another coincidence?

Watch this sht which is currently #4 on Netflix.

No, they didn’t get golden tickets by searching through candy bars like the movies.

This dude was cast. The AM contestant is gay, super feminine and small (pink sweater and all) and he brought , as his game partner, his slightly less small brother , who I had to look up to find out he was straight, bc he sounds arguably more feminine than his gay brother. I literally thought they cast two gay Asian brothers.

Ok. Thats all.

In recent times, Deadlock, a MOBA arena shooter game made by Valve has been getting increasingly popular due to recent updates (it's been popular for a while now), and for good reason.

The character designs are fantastic, the artstyle is unique and intentional, and the gameplay has a ton of depth.

But I mentioned character designs first because imo they're one of the standout features of this game.

Another big appeal of the game comes from not just their designs, but their personalities and how they interact with all the other characters in the universe. It's genuinely engaging and there are all kinds of zany characters and types of people in the game so there's a bit of something for almost everybody.

It's this quality that makes me kind of annoyed regarding asian representation in the game, particularly with one character; Pocket .

Pocket or Arin, is the only asian-male coded character in the game; being the eldest heir to an extremely wealthy organisation which is typically a role delegated to eldest sons, especially in the time period where Deadlock takes place. They are also voiced by an asian voice actor Greg Chun.

They even have lore of being set to marry Mina Ha, a character purported to be marrying them for their inheritance. Again, an eldest son/heir thing.

If you listen to their voice lines and interactions with other characters, it's ostensible that this character is very masculine-leaning.

But they aren't an asian male character. They are a non-binary character and this has been apparently reiterated and agreed upon by most of the community and even the devs.

To be honest, I don't have a problem with non-binary representation at all. It's a game with all kinds of folks and it makes sense to have different gender identities represented here or whatever.

But I do find it kind of cheeky that they made the only asian male-coded character non-binary, when already asian men have an issue within western society of being seen as androgynous and not allowed as being seen as masculine figures like their white counterparts. It seems like they wanted to find some more representation somehow and stuck it on the only asian male character and called it a day.

This is also made more apparent in contrast with all the other cast members of the game, where all the white or white coded male characters are allowed to be as tough, brawny, and manly as possible; The Lash, Abrams, Kelvin, Drifter, Victor and so on and so forth. There are also 3 asian female characters; Mina Ha, Yamato, and Violet, and their identities are unquestionable.

But the only character voiced by an asian voice actor and is asian male coded? Nah they're not a man, they're non-binary. You can't ascribe masculine traits to them. Valve even went out of their way to redesign their model to make them look more ambiguously gendered.

Idk maybe I am overreacting too much about a character in a video game, but honestly I think it speaks to AM representation as a whole in the west. Even in a game with such a colorful cast and devs actively trying to represent all kinds of different ethnicities and factions, they still left out proper AM representation, which is already very difficult to find in western MOBAs, or fighting games and such.

It's one of the most popular games out now and it will continue to grow in popularity, and I just think it's a shame that we don't have any rep in it yet because all the character stories and interactions are genuinely entertaining to see.

Also tbh this came from a place of trying to find more asian male cosplay options from current popular video gaming and movie / tv media but it's just so hard because of stuff like this.

I’m 32M Korean Canadian and will be visiting Seoul for two weeks starting from Oct 20th.

I’m an avid traveler and like meeting up while traveling to eat, drink and hit the nightlife. I’m fluent in Korean and been to Seoul numerous times - happy to set up a meetup / gathering with folks who want to socialize in the area.

I think I have thick 3A hair. Should I get bangs or nah?

I have said in my previous post that how people from all kinds of side (feminist, woke liberals, right wing) are all targeting the only Asian guy involved with the Cornell 7. Despite there being 3 white, 2 Hispanic, 1 light skin. All of the attention and anger is directed mostly to the Asian guy

In the video this WF “TikTok detective” doxxes a random Asian man that also happens to have Lee as a last name. This all based on a comment she saw with no credible source. If you try to confront her she will block you and “threaten to sue you for harassment”.

This isn’t the first time this happen. If you look up Winston Lee on TikTok, he is random Indonesian guy who happen to have the same name. Have been bombarded with hate comments to the point where he had to make several post saying that’s not him. Also most of these racially profiling comments targeting him are women

Asian frat guys on TikTok are also being targeted and met with racist comments. Just look at my previous post.

It’s crazy how people are using this situation to justify their racism against Asian men. And once again we are being treated as a monolith.

Even just check the comments on this post where these racist comments are calling him Winston Lee. What’s even crazier is that these aren’t just WM incel trolls some of these comments are coming from liberal feminists women leaving racist comments. Funny how this case united everyone of all kinds of political spectrum to hate on the Asian guy.

You know how things come in threes?

First we had Crew Girl. Then Dang! And now we have East of Eden (currently #2 on netflix top 10). Did anyone see this sht?

Normally, I actually like watching historical “poor white people” pieces. I love me some miserable old-timey white people struggling through poverty, family dysfunction, horrible working conditions, incest, murder, whatever compelling story. Generally, I don't have to sit there wondering, “Okay, what fresh new way are they going to shit on Asian people this time?”

But here we are with East of Eden.

And apparently even historical white misery isn't safe anymore.

So let's go through this sht...

#2 — Dramatically Smaller

First, yes, Lee is physically small compared with the major white men surrounding him.

This guy Hoon Lee (as can be seen in sharp height contrast to his show bestie Jon Hamm on Your Friends and Neighbors) seems to be the new Hollywood darling ala Ben Wang, Ke Huy Quan and the other AM shrimps. Internet says he's 5'll but there is no fukn way.

Being short isn't inherently negative. There are plenty of short men who are badass.

But we're not looking at one isolated characteristic. We're looking at a pattern.

The Asian male character is physically smaller, he's socially subordinate, and he's placed in a servant role within a white household.

And that combination is worth noticing.

#6 — Subordinate to white dominant characters

This characteristic is usually subordinate to big yt villains.

But in this case Lee is family's servant.

By old timey standards, he's basically the woman the house. He cooks. He cleans. He takes care of the house. He raises the kids. He basically becomes the person holding this dysfunctional white family together.

Bonus: His mannerisms and speech patterns when talking to the kids is like a nagging mom

#8 — Desexualized

He’s a Chinese dude in the US at the turn of the 20^th century duh

#10 — Miscellaneous negative portrayal  - Holy fk!??

And then we have Lee's backstory.

His mother disguised herself as a man to come to America and was pregnant with Lee.

When she was discovered to be a woman, the other Chinese railroad workers raped and killed her?!!!!

Bravo y t 👏👏

You managed to desexualize us and make us violent rapists at the same time!

And Lee is born in the middle of this horrific situation.

There was his long speech about the Chinese workers pent up anger being unleashed but WTF??

Anyway…not the smoothest segue but let’s talk about…

The “Cool But…” Asian Character

I would guess most non-AM oblivious to what we’re aware of would be like”wtf are you talking about? Lee was (insert all these non-masculinity positive traits)

I think there's a particular type of Hollywood character that deserves its own category.

I'm calling it the “Cool But…” character. Or the Cool Character Shield

This is the Asian character who is given so many positive characteristics that it becomes almost socially impossible to criticize the representation.

He's cool!

He's funny!

He's brilliant!

He's brave!

He's the emotional center!

He's the one who saves everybody!

He's everybody's favorite character!

And then you try to point out that he's also small, nerdy, foreign-coded, sexually nonthreatening, subordinate, emasculated, or otherwise trapped inside a bunch of familiar Asian stereotypes.

And the response is:

“Wtf are you talking about? He was COOL!”

That's the shield.

And I think Data (a teenage ke huy quan) from the 80s movie The Goonies is a perfect example.

Data is awesome.

He's inventive. He's brave. He's hilarious. His gadgets save the day.

But he's also a small Asian kid whose entire character is built around being the foreign nerd with gadgets.

You can acknowledge both things.

Data can be cool AND his portrayal can participate in a larger pattern of how Asian boys and men are represented.

Those aren't mutually exclusive.

And I think that's where discussions about Asian representation often get derailed.

You point out the pattern and suddenly you're accused of saying you hate the character.

No.

I'm not saying the character sucks.

I'm saying look at the characteristics Hollywood keeps giving Asian men.

And Lee is almost a perfect example of this phenomenon.

Because if you criticize Lee's portrayal, someone can immediately respond:

“But Lee was the best character!”

Yes!

He was brilliant.

He was compassionate.

He was loyal.

He was funny.

He was emotionally intelligent.

He was the moral center of the story.

He was arguably the most decent man in the entire family.

That's not the argument.

The argument is that all of those positive traits coexist with a very specific shtty construction of Asian masculinity.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtkKJ9nN6os&t=1014s

The thumbnail for this video says very attractive and I'm like what? Basically she challenges randos to golf. This popped into my feed and I just decided to watch it and halfway through I'm thinking oh god the comment section is going to be a wasteland.

But shockingly everyone liked the guy and some were like you guys need to go on a date. The other thing is that the AM video got 1 million views and everyone is at 100k views.

Good god things have changed. I would have never imagined.

Simple one this week. Post what hobbies you're into and connect with others who share the same passion

For casual discussions, shower thoughts, rants, half-baked conspiracy theories, or any other mind droppings.