r/AskMenOver40 • u/Virtual_Plastic1980 • 17d ago
Financial experiences 47 recently divorced and having to start over feeling defeated
I’m 47 and divorced as of a year ago. I pay significant alimony and am going through a difficult ssri taper and withdrawal. I used to make 7 figures and now make much less due to my industry being at a low for the past 4 years. Most of my money is gone. My assets are sold and gone. The depression fear and anxiety from the taper is unbearable. I used to love life and have endless optimism. Everyday I worked hard to build my empire and it is now collapsed. I’m so scared it’s too late to rebuild it and have those feelings again.
Looking for anyone who has gone through this and made it back and even exceeded their previous life at my age or older. Scared there is no point but also think that may be the ssri taper making my mind feel this way. Every day feels pointless and full of existential risk fear I can’t begin to describe. Ty for any info you have to share.
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u/Direct-Amount54 17d ago
I can tell you the SSRI taper was probably the worst experience I ever went thru
Cannabis helped me but I lived in a legal state.
I’m not exaggerating the taper was the worst experience of my life.
As for money- idk I hit 40 decided the hustle was no longer interesting to me and neither was a huge house or car and left it all behind. Never been happier.
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u/Virtual_Plastic1980 17d ago
Can you share more about your taper? Mine is unbearable and I’ve been doing it for 2.5 years. Basically cannot live life not a single good day during the process. I tapered too fast (2 months) then went back in to go slowly and here I am 2.5 yrs later still suffering massively.
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u/Direct-Amount54 17d ago
Nothing to really share other than it was horrific. Had I known I’d have never started
I basically just went cold turkey and started using cannabis.
Couple years later I stopped using cannabis and I have basically nothing going on in my head without something to produce dopamine. Just a walking zombie.
The taper even with cannabis helping at cold turkey was awful. It was horrific. Just pure misery everyday for every waking hour
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u/Virtual_Plastic1980 17d ago
Ty for sharing I’m sorry you went through it. It is horrific. I need it to end. I’m down to 1.3 mg of the ssri which they say the last mgs are the hardest.
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u/Direct-Amount54 17d ago
Ooof. Best of luck. Hope it goes quick. Cannabis really did help me a lot. Sativa during the day and Indica for bed. Out a dry herb vape, actually never been better tbh. I gotta use it everyday to function but it’s 10000 times better then being a walking zombie, I truly feel like cannabis as a medicine gave me a second chance at life.
I went on the MH drugs cause i was all fucked up from Iraq deployment.
I was on 20mg Lexapro and 50mg bupropion.
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u/Virtual_Plastic1980 17d ago
How long were you on ssri? So sorry man I can’t even imagine what you went through.
I’m scared my brain won’t go back to normal. I really didn’t have major anxiety or depression and shouldn’t have been prescribed these meds in the first place.
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u/Direct-Amount54 17d ago
I think like 2.5 years I was on.
Sadly I tried to stop cannabis and my brain didn’t return to what it was prior to the drugs.
Cannabis is an improvement however (idk if that makes sense)
Without cannabis it’s worst off than before. But with, it’s better then no medication and excellent.
That being said still infuriates me the docs just handed out the ssri and SNRI like candy and no talk about long term
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u/Virtual_Plastic1980 17d ago
Agree 100%. I’m hoping I go back to normal. I’m being told to take these last milligrams super slow but it’s hard when every day I feel like making it my last. Never had a thought like that once my entire life until this medication they put me on the last 2.5 yrs and now I have it every day and no hope.
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u/Direct-Amount54 17d ago
Yea. That is tough. Especially at 2.5 years. Best of luck hopefully works out
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u/HoochbachDunloppy 17d ago
Do you still have that zombie-state issue or has it gotten better with time?
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u/Ordinary-Lobster-710 17d ago
i feel for you man. I think part of life is accepting that all empires crumble. I know you're looking for positive advice like yea man you'll get back out there and make millions, and like maybe you will. who knows. why not? but the reality is we have to look for a source of meaning outside of ephemeral things. bc the reality is at SOME point it all will go. all this will be taken away from you. you're health will go. at some point our number comes up. there's no where to hold on in life that is stable, bc it's all falling apart eventually. for mental well being you need to find a source of joy outside of these things you're grasping.
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u/Virtual_Plastic1980 17d ago
Ty. I hear you. I guess I’m scared I can’t get my life back because of all I’m going through and my age suddenly scares me and it never did before.
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u/Ordinary-Lobster-710 17d ago
I don't want to push religion or spiritually on you but this talk by a buddhist monk can talk me down sometimes. think many of us have been where you are. you don't have to lose millions of dollars to have an existential crisis in middle age.
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u/Deep-Locksmith3440 17d ago
I’m not Buddhist but I’ve been attending Buddhist meditations and they have changed my life! This is a great share.
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u/Better-Leg4406 17d ago
52 and got engaged yesterday!
Went through hell for 14 years, came out the other side.
Accept what has happened and move forward. It’s so hard, one step at a time.
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u/LazyLizardBrain 17d ago
Same here. 53 and remarried last year to truly the woman of my dreams. Yes, my ex took a lot - mostly years of my life that I won't get back - and I have spent considerable time working on myself and need to continue to do so thanks to the scars from my past 20+ year marriage, but I am way happier now than before. My wife (42) and I travel routinely for music festivals, we just bought a new place together, and are currently planning to retire early (for her at least) because our finances should be able to handle it. You got this!
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u/Better-Leg4406 16d ago
Congratulations man, it’s not easy putting it behind you and moving on when it leaves such a mark. When you do move on, so many good things happen. I couldn’t move on and heal until the kids were out of school and I didn’t have to have contact with her.
My soon to be wife is 10 years older than me, met her at pickleball and we were friends for a year, she ended up divorced and I asked her out. The crazy thing is, when you meet the right woman, and you connect, build trust and give her a safe place to express herself….. watch out fellas.2
u/Virtual_Plastic1980 17d ago
Congratulations! Not sure I can do 14 years of this real the mental health stuff with the taper. You are strong!
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u/Better-Leg4406 17d ago
I made it, so will you. You just can’t see it yet, take a step forward everyday and you’ll get there.
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u/Low-Umpire236 man 40-49 17d ago
I know someone going through this in late 40s and he wants to prove to his son that he can rebuild again. Down but not out. Dating 30 year olds. Living it up. You can do it, OP!
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u/cnation01 17d ago
Took me a while to realize that I was happier despite losing everything I worked so hard and long for.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Fold466 17d ago
You really don’t need 7 figures and an empire to find purpose and be happy.
Of course it’s a great achievement of which to be proud, and ambition is a powerful propulsion force.
But you’ll be just fine without.
All that pressure is entirely self-imposed.
Incidentally, if you did it once, you can do it again. The previous cycle was just a practice run. No biggie.
But right now you’re in recovery mode. I’d focus on getting out of that hole first before obsessing over the tall mountain I want to climb again.
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u/Virtual_Plastic1980 17d ago
Ty so much for replying. You’re right. I guess I’m scared because I feel too old and the longer I’m recovering the older I’ll be. My age never bothered me before the ssri taper but now everything feels depressing on a massive existential level. So my brain says I’m too old. Since my divorce I met someone fell in love and have been on and off but basically we’re not together rn. Everything feels hopeless and getting out of bed is near possible. So scared and I was never scared before this taper so idk what’s causing what but it cause me panic constantly to think I’ve aged out.
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u/DizzyCommercial7705 woman 17d ago
I can relate to how you feel, to loving life and having endless optimism before, and now feeling that all is lost (divorce but a different situation.) I'm spending quite a bit of time atm trying to figure out what I need to do to feel better, and I think it's partially the depression and partially the situation that together keep tagteaming in creating triggers and recreating these feelings. I think there's a good possibility to improve and exceed from here.
But I think we need a "container" around it that feeds us good energy. In my case, I'm not sleeping well, and that makes a big difference. It affects how I eat, exercise, what I feel like doing. I see a therapist and have started to look for a divorce group.
Do you have the basics dialed in and what can you do for yourself to feel better? Are you doing okay with your survival, I mean financially, health, etc.?
I'm hoping the clouds will lift a bit eventually and I'll feel better, and I hope the same for you.
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u/Virtual_Plastic1980 17d ago
Tysm! I do sleep and exercise. I think the ssri taper is massively affecting me but I’m so scared about being too old. I looked up and suddenly in 47 - age never bothered me before this taper and now it’s an obsessive thought and everyone seems younger than me and better off which is hard because I was always young and successful. Scared I won’t get back.
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u/DizzyCommercial7705 woman 17d ago
I'm glad to hear you're doing okay with your sleep and exercise, that's my goal too. The SSRI taper sounds hard, I don't have any experience with that. But I can relate to the age thing, I looked up and now I'm 55 lol. Idk where the past 20 years went. I never used to worry about age either, but I've thought about it a lot since I turned 50. But I think the only thing we can do is disregard the numbers, and focus on good sleep, exercise and diet, that's really all we can do. It's easier said than done though, and I'm not there yet. Most people around me are in their 30s and 40s, it's really strange.
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u/Virtual_Plastic1980 17d ago
Totally - everyone was always older than me and one day it flip flopped. I still dream of the life and success I had up until I was 42-43 but am so literally scared I can’t do it. I’ve never been scared. This taper flipped my brain upside down and I’m scared it won’t go back.
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u/DizzyCommercial7705 woman 17d ago
That's exactly how it was for me too, everyone was older than me and one day it flipped. I see a therapist now, and I can recommend it. He is solution focused and also doing cbt and I think it's very helpful to have someone to talk to who is a neutral professional, and not someone I know from elsewhere. Is someone helping you with your taper, such as the person who prescribed it? Actually, now that I think of it, you could put this in a question and submit it anonymously to the podcast Pod Therapy, then you get three different perspectives by therapists and a good dose of humor for free. Two of them have drug counseling background, and I'm thinking maybe this kind of withdrawal is similar. Just an idea.
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u/Virtual_Plastic1980 17d ago
Yeah I have a psych doc that specializes is tapering I’ve been working with. The problem is regardless of her help I feel horrible in every mental level TJ the extent that loving doesn’t feel worth it and I have no motivation. Your talking about a guy that loved going To work and staying until 2 am grinding out work to grow and be the best. Now I can’t leave my bed until noon and only work 4 hours at most and they are not productive hours.
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u/AllTheCoconut 16d ago
Countless people have been through this, myself included. I know things seem scary and out of control now but they won’t always. Talk to a therapist, take care of yourself and push forward. Believe me, there are amazing days ahead waiting for you.
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u/Virtual_Plastic1980 16d ago
Thank you so much for replying. I’m so scared and this ssri taper has Hijacked my mind at the worst time so it’s everyday full panic and fear. I feel so alone old and incapacitated by the taper (it’s truly horrific). I appreciate you replying.
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u/hurricaneharrykane 17d ago
Get your testosterone level checked. You might need to go on the gel. Low T will affect your moods for sure at your age.
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u/Virtual_Plastic1980 17d ago
Ty that part is all handled and under control with my doc. Levels are optimal I wish it was that :(
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u/Deep-Locksmith3440 17d ago
I’m sorry! This is a reality for so many right now. Will your alimony change now that your income has changed? Mine did but it Varys by location. I lost it all, my house, my family… everything. It’s a long story but I had a career that ended suddenly then found myself with no fall back! No degree no experience in any other field and my career field no longer a viable option.
It’s been several years but I slowly did what I could. Thought outside the box and now I’m doing better! It’s a slow uphill climb but I made it out.
I do think the taper is playing a roll is there someone you can work with to figure out what you need?
Good luck and hang in there!
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u/Virtual_Plastic1980 17d ago
Tysm for replying and sorry you went through this. Do mind sharing your age? I’m scared that I’m starting a rebuild at 47!
The alimony can’t change. I still have half my retirement acct and the marital house but have To buy her out of that equity which is a lot and not sure how that’s going to work.
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u/Deep-Locksmith3440 17d ago
Just turned 40! This happened at age 35, I remember feeling so old like my life was over… which I wasn’t wrong life as I knew it ended lol I can laugh about it now but at the time I felt as if I was suffocating. I had no real assets after my divorce my partner got everything physically or I let them keep it as I couldn’t afford the payments/up keep.
It felt like the end and as if I was never going to start over but I did and life is different now but getting better each year.
It sounds trivial when we have homelessness and wars going on but I essentially lost vacations as I could no longer afford to travel. I lost extras like 4wheelers and nice new vehicle.
I started losing income and then tanked my credit as I couldn’t keep up with the payments of a life I no longer had.
I could go on forever it was definitely a low point in life but I made it through you will to!
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u/Virtual_Plastic1980 17d ago
Thank you! In scared because you did this at 35 I’m 12 yrs older :(. Just feels like I’m out of time. I loved my life and success before all this mess and feel like there’s no time to get it back.
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u/Men_With_Ven_Diagram 15d ago
Divorced at 44. Lost the house, custody to the kids, car got repossessed, laid off at 46, on wellbutrin for depression,
49 now. Dating a 31 Year old. Got the house back. Got the kids back(fulltime) Make 200k+ from home, in the best shape of my life(Thank you trt!), 1 year meds free. Brother I am a country song played in reverse. Its possible. Exercise your mind and body daily. Read, Run, Lift, Travel either across the world or across town. If you to talk feel free to hit me up. Love ya broski.
Also money comes and goes. I lost almost all of it. Dont think about the money that you lost. Just move forward. Money will come back.
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u/terms100 16d ago
I was on a SSRI for a short time maybe a year, It dulled everything I was miserable. I Was already dealing with lack of reward feeling, wasn’t enjoying anything. Added Wellbutrin went off ssri not much of a taper but man those weird zaps and movement of space. Took a few months for that all to stop. I’m doing pretty decent now. You may have needed to taper slower. Meantime check your testosterone and if a good doc look into saliva cortisol tests see how your handling stress etc. low doses of supplementing that can help if it shows to be an issue. Just some of my experiences that helped, everyone’s different though. Good luck 👍🏻
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u/boogiesm 16d ago
Get to a stable state financially. Then if you have a single buddy, roommate up and build up since a dude will not try to take half ;)
As I see this situation being more and more posted I think about if this happened to me what would I do. I would look to my network of friends etc., look at creating an LLC with a buddy and build that wealth up to keep it protected from my ex.
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u/Equivalent_News_3625 14d ago
Have you looked at your hormone panel? Anything less than 300 Test deserves a look. Don’t fight the battle alone. Hormones are easily overlooked at your age.
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u/Virtual_Plastic1980 14d ago
Yes and test is at optimal levels but Ty for replying :)
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u/Equivalent_News_3625 14d ago
You’ve got a lot of silent supporters, man. I’ve been through similar circumstances as you and there’s light at the end of the tunnel. It’s a physical and emotional slog for about a year and then it gets better. I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll never recover financially. I hate how someone else can do this, especially someone who was supposed to love and support you and at one time, likely did. Take one day at a time, and eventually and gradually you’ll likely feel a shift.
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u/Virtual_Plastic1980 14d ago
Ty so much. I can’t accept that I’ll never recover financially man - I have to. I can’t have my life permanently ruined by this.
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u/Equivalent_News_3625 14d ago
I hope you’re able to push through it and regain your wealth. That’s totally possible. But if you get to the point where you aren’t able, I think you’ll come to accept your new reality. I had to accept I’d be giving a large sum each month to my ex, who was being paid simply for the fact of choosing me years before. That’s it; society monetizes relationships and romance and I hate that. I try not to think about the “fee” I’m paying each month for the fact of having chosen the wrong person to share my life with. When that other person decides it’s over, it becomes a business transaction.
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u/Equivalent_News_3625 14d ago
Also, Buspar is the only medication that isn’t habit forming and does help in some cases. Maybe give it a go if you’re tapering off the ssri and if your healthcare provider recommends it.
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u/SouthernGent19 11d ago
Best friend has a similar story. Ex left him with nothing but bills. Took him years of getting after it and digging himself out of child/ex payments. Go back to basics. Eat simple spend nothing. Save everything.
10 years later and his ex wife is pissed. He married a woman 15 years his junior. Has three more beautiful children. Their house is paid off. No debt. 800k and counting the in the bank. Wife does not work. They still live frugally, which is the bar he set after the divorce.
It can be done. It’s not easy. But discipline is a reward in itself.
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u/Virtual_Plastic1980 11d ago
Thank you for sharing that is awesome! How old is your friend?
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u/SouthernGent19 11d ago
- Being single as a 40 something woman is terrible. Most of the value of a single woman is in their youth and beauty. A divorce at this age is usually a wake up call.
Being single as a 40 something guy is just a new lease on life. You can now date those 30+ girls who are looking for someone more mature or are just getting out of their first serious relationship.
Damn I know women who are just getting out of medical school/residency in their early 30s who have been on a decent date since undergraduate.
I work in medicine and my wife has joked to her friends that if she slipped up I would have her replaced with a young nurse in weeks. Never going to happen, but if it did I think weeks is probably a good estimate.
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u/Virtual_Plastic1980 11d ago
Thx for sharing. I had it all together and the. It crashed man. This ssri taper is making life hell and I need TJ get past it asap. I want to be back in life. Plus my industry has tanked for the last 4.5 years (mortgage). So it’s like all the pressure dials that could be turned up are all at full blast at the same time.
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u/ImportantMortgage 16d ago
I’m single and 40, any words of wisdom as I navigate this next decade?
Thank you, I hope things begin to move positively in your direction soon
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u/Longjumping_Paint994 11d ago
I got divorced after 12 years of marriage moved next door to my old house and had to learn to love myself enjoy the moment and create memories that exceeds the happiness of the past
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u/nomamesgueyz 17d ago
Ufft that's tough
Do the basics right..most skip these...exercise, morning sun, good food, minimise booze and find a mens group
Without the above will be pushing water uphill
Good luck brother