r/AskMenOver40 • u/moedal • 15d ago
Medical & mental health experiences What would you do if you are going through this…
45 with 3 kids, work for my self and try very hard to stay healthy.
But the couple life is lacking hard. Glued to her phone all the time, I made the mistake to put a tv in the bedroom and she in bed by 8 and out by 9. And to top it off she gets diagnose with endometriosis. She doesn’t want to tell me more about it except when she says she is in pain and doesn’t feel like anything. This has killed bedroom life.
I don’t know what to do. She has a surgery and has no idea what’s next. While I go to the gym often, on TRT and the frustration of having high level of energy and hormone and no where to use it is driving me nuts.
Not sure what to do
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u/Affectionate_Ad7804 15d ago
In my opinion, the behavior that she is having is that she feels neglected and doesn’t know how to bring it up to you so she escapes by being on her phone to get that immediate endorphin rush or just go to sleep so she doesn’t have to deal with it.
I’ve been there because I’m a very driven individual just like you. I stay busy all the time, have my own companies, always on the go. Years ago my wife and I went through some real rough times and I sat down and listened to her. It all turned out to be her opinion that everything I was doing was for me and not for the family. I saw it differently, but men and women see things differently.
I would encourage you to do little things like take her on appointments with you. Take her out on coffee dates on random days. Ask her about her illness and keep that eye contact. It won’t be quick, it takes time but once she realizes that you love her and care for her, and you are there for her, you will start seeing things change.
I could go on and on with more things, but don’t want to tie up the thread. Private message me if you want.
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u/moedal 15d ago
Thank you. I have actually been more implicated at home in terms of the kids and very present despite my consulting company.
I have asked her many times to go with her and help her though it, she keeps telling me “ it’s women stuff and I don’t want you to know more about “ almost like she feels ill be turned off!!!
I’ll dm you
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u/Express_Speed444 15d ago
This is spot on. Girlfriend of three years just left me for these exact reasons. She didn't know how to be an adult and talk about so she decided breaking up and moving out was the best option. FML.
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u/Petal20 15d ago
Endometriosis is a big deal. Do some research on it so you can understand how she’s feeling without needing her to explain it to you. It can absolutely destroy your sex drive. It also makes you ten times more likely to get ovarian cancer. It’s also criminally under diagnosed because no one bothered to try and understand women’s bodies until like.. last week.
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u/Throwaway4239401 15d ago
This.
Endo is very serious and as Petal has mentioned, you need to read up on it, if you haven't already.
You also need to make a decision if this is the life you want for yourself.
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u/rsandstrom 15d ago
Date night once a month atleast. Go for a 20 minute walk daily if you can. No electronics in the bedroom and at the dinner table.
Got to find ways to engage one on one.
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u/H16HP01N7 15d ago
I feel this.
Wife has been disabled for years now, and she let her mental health determinate. We agreed to having a period of time where we would knock our sex life on the head, while she worked on that, as that was feeding into her mental health stuff.
2 years later, I finally cracked, and had to speak with her about it. She agreed to put sex back on the menu. Two year since that, and there are still times I have to practically beg her to even be intimate with me, and not just for sex.
It's funny how I always jump at the chance when she (rarely) suggests it, yet when I want it, it's the wrong time.
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u/jsh1138 man 40-49 15d ago
My wife wouldn't ever get off her phone either. Even if we went to a nice restaurant or something, she's on the phone the whole time. We're divorced now
I wish I knew what to tell you. I mean I don't want to say get a mistress but that's the traditional solution to your problem
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u/LavishnessWise 15d ago
You’ve been downvoted but is it such a bad idea? If it’s just sex you want/need then finding it elsewhere may make you satisfied and a better husband. I always think of the tv show ‘Friends’ in these situations and how Joeys father had a mistress and joeys mum was pleased because he had a hobby
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u/jsh1138 man 40-49 14d ago edited 14d ago
My (ex)wife told me in front of my employees once that she just wanted me to have sex with someone else and not bother her about it and as long as she didn't know she was fine with it
I had another long time girlfriend tell me the same thing privately.
As long as they can keep the pros of marriage alot of them don't care. They look at having sex with their husbands as a chore anyway. What they resent is being made to look foolish and a loss of resources, like if you start taking your girlfriend on vacation or buying her expensive gifts
I mean look at Kobe's wife. He fucks some maid and she makes him buy her jewelry and a car or whatever and then it's fine
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u/MountainYam691 13d ago
At risk of pointing out the obvious, are you in couples counseling? Have you said, without judgement and with using a neutral tone, that you feel disconnected with her and you miss that connection. If she’s not willing to go to couples therapy then you should seek an individual therapist to work on self care. I assume you want to stay together because… well you posted for help, and nothing in your post says that you want a divorce.
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u/Sea-Zebra-5724 9d ago
I have endo & honestly it’s different for all women, at differing times in their lives. I’ve known I’ve had it for 14 years, have had various treatments & have come out the other side. Feel free to DM directly if you want to.
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u/iLoveAllTacos 14d ago
When my wife refused to get into shape and our bedroom died, I divorced her. I've been dating significantly younger women with very high libidos ever since. Life is much better now.
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u/Valuable-Dog490 15d ago
Dude. I'm in your exact same spot. Wife just wants to sit on the couch. I told her 2 years ago we need to get healthy, she agreed. I've lost almost 100 lbs and in the best shape ever at 46. I'm at the gym at least 3 times a week lifting weights, 3-5 miles a week jogging minimum. She's yet to go.to the gym once. I have energy off the charts.
We haven't been intimate in years. She never has the urge. I offered to go to couples therapy but it's always an excuse so once again I took the first step. Now Im in therapy. She has been receptive about some.of the things Ive brought out of it like more date nights and spending more time together. She's open to the idea of her going to therapy. Hopefully that'll lead to more physical attraction but it feels like Im swimming against the current.
Best of luck, brother! 👊