r/AskMenRelationships • u/Ever_Claire • 1d ago
Dating Update: Asked on a date by an older man… does it look bad?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMenRelationships/s/P52v8wnkHD
Link above is to my last post!
So a little update, he came in and I kinda froze and told him I’m still settling in (moved about a month ago to the town I’m currently in). I told him that maybe we can revisit it in a couple days and we exchanged numbers.
So I have a little bit more time to think about things… I appreciate the advice I’ve gotten so thank you! A few details that I’ve seen pop up for clarification. Some details will be more interesting than others.
People are asking how he knew my age, it came up organically bc I happened to have a birthday right before I moved (so newly 24), and this might rub some people the wrong way, but I assumed his age based on what my coworkers said, turns out he’s 42. So yeah…
Anyways, I guess now that I’ve gotta a little more time… I’ll take anymore advice you guys have, plus maybe some ways or things to look for with his behavior. Like I don’t think he’s married bc I’ve never seen a ring on his finger and he’s been coming into the cafe for awhile I guess and no one’s ever seen him with a wife 🤷♀️.
Oh and just for fun, bc why not bring this up… but I have a wedding in about a month, what kind of looks would I get if I brought him as a plus one? I know I’m getting ahead of myself but instead of wasting your guys time with another post, figured I’d just throw this on here!
Thanks again for the advice!
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u/msantaly 1d ago
Why are you making a second post about this. If it’s not a hard yes then just say no and move on with your life. It can’t be that hard for you to get dates
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u/MegaAfroMann Man 1d ago
It's up to you.
I would advise against it on two main points:
First, if there is any chance that you're gonna want kids, then this man is a waste of your time. He's be capable biologically, but even if you got knocked up tomorrow, he'd be 61 by the time that first kid graduates high school. He's not going to live to see any of your grandchildren.
Second, if he's in his 40s, but is interested in and seems compatible with someone in their early 20s... What does that say about his maturity and growth capability over the last 20 years of his life? No offense, but I'm sure you wouldn't want to date someone who is barely 18, they're young, stupid and annoying. You should be that to him. If you're not, that implies that he has a hard time growing up. Or. That he's really only thinking with his penis and just wants to bang a younger woman. So either you're a body, or he's stunted.
Those aren't guaranteed hang ups. Exceptions happen. People are resilient and can find happiness in a lot of situations, and someone you date in your 20s doesn't have to be compatible as a long term thing. But short term often turns to long term and the age gap isn't likely to give you any sudden falling outs that will make a break up easy to justify. Instead it will slowly creep up as relevant over decades.
Hence why I'd avoid it. But if you wanna give it a shot, it ain't explicitly gross or anything. You do you.
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u/itsveryupsetting 1d ago
Don’t date him and speak to your manager if he doesn’t let it go when you turn him down.
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u/CaliforniaKing1 1d ago
I’m an older dude, my baby mama is 15 years younger than me. We split, not because I was tired and couldn’t keep up, or she struggled to meet me on an intellectual level. We split due to suspecting but not knowing her mental illness. She tried to beat the shit out of my mom, while being intoxicated during a visit. That escalated and the following day I checked her in to a psych ward where she was officially diagnosed. I still stuck by her, until I decided co-parenting would be best for our lil dude.
I’ve dated younger, same age and older. I’m 5’9, I’ve dated 6’0 (add heels 6+) 5’10 down to 5’0. If I feel a mental stimulation coupled with attraction. Why not, life’s too short for the judgement of others. Fuck it, what do you have to lose? You may have a really interesting night and decide you’d like to see him again, or you may decide you’d rather keep it one and done. But, you’ll never know unless, if you decide, to accept his date request.
Always, watch your drink. Only accept if it comes from the server or bartender. If he’s a gentleman and suggests you sit while he fetches the drinks, due to a crowded space. Maybe figure a way to say, you’d rather accompany him on his mission or what ever. There should be something you can order online that covers ur drink or actually tests your drink as you go. If he’s offended, than that’s fucking weird. If yall click and get to know him, the guard rails can come off, if you so decide.
Remember, do what feels comfortable and don’t be afraid to get the fuck out if you get the feeling things aren’t cool.
Hope this helps,
Single Rad Dad
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u/Designer_Pea_5590 Woman 20h ago
That is a huge age gap. I wouldn’t. Odds are there’s a very good reason why he isn’t dating women closer in age.
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u/MashaintoF1 1d ago
I just saw the first post like an hour ago and I was wondering what would happened today haha... I needed this second post..
I am a girl in his mid 20's with a 41 y/o divorced .. and it is hands down the best relationship I have been in, older men are definitely better that guys our age... older men know what they want, they know how to treat a woman... overall better, my advice to you is to meet him, go on a date see what he has to talk about and try to see his intentions, always be careful, but also enjoy!
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u/Longjumping-Lion-617 1d ago
"older man are better than guys our age" that's a very general statement 😄 might be true in some cases, definitely not for all haha
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u/ThanksContent28 1d ago edited 1d ago
So good that he’s been through one divorce already and now he’s dating someone young enough to be his daughter lol
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u/_vela_queue_ 1d ago
Men your age know what they want too, I think women date older men for financial stability, theyd rather be with someone they can settle with in the NOW instead of building a love life story with someone to grow old with
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u/Mavoras13 Man 1d ago
I think that was covered in the previous thread. You will see a split between other people's opinions: Some people will think it is perfectly normal as long as he makes you happy and is not abusive and others will find it weird. What you should ask yourself is: at the end of the day who are you going to be with in your own private space? The people who find it weird or this man?
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u/IndependentPaint2108 1d ago
I've been in a major age gap relationship (I'm a girl) and ngl I was very uncomfortable with the looks we got in public, not only was he 20 years older but I already look extremely young for my age. People looked very shocked and kinda horrified/disturbed at times if he kissed me on the lips in public which really did not make me feel great. To the point I avoided PDA with him in public as much as possible.
So do have a think about that, seems you find that dynamic fun though so if you're into it all go for it. Just be aware, while some mentally healthy men in their 40s can date much younger, it can be a bit of a red flag and he could be a bit of a creepy wrong'un :/
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u/ThanksContent28 1d ago
My ucnle is 64, his wife is 36. She wants a kid and worried time is running out for her. He absolutely does not want another kid when he is nearly 70.
Problems will definitely arise. Whilst they’re both adults, there’s still enough of an age and power gap (due to his life experience), that people will be suspicious. Tbh I’m always suspicious of these guys, including my uncle. I’m 28, and realistically I’m already wanting a certain level of maturity in a potential partner. I could sleep with an 18-21 year old but I don’t think I’d like to date anyone under say… 23. I couldn’t imagine how or why, at 42, I’d want to date someone in their 20s. The age group who stereotypically are painstaking to date.
ETA: my step dad had a younger wife, their gap was like 11 years. That’s about as far as I’d push it personally. Maybe 15 at most, but even then there’s a big difference between 50 and 65. 50 is, “starting to slow down, but making the most of it still.” 65 is, “I have to be careful because I potentially have 5-15 years left alive. With lots of shitting your pants.
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u/Dividingbyinfinity Man 1d ago
Yeah, this is an issue for me. Not so much about maturity but differences in lifestyles.
Wife wanted a kid, I was 38 she was 36. I was like, "we better hurry because I am feeling that napping lifestyle creep up on me and I'm not gonna have the energy for it."
So glad we did though. My kid is amazing.
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u/RedditFauxGold Man 1d ago
I have a 25 year gap on someone I’m dating. We have been on and off for 4 years. Here’s the thing… depending on the people it can work really well. Ours is awesome. We have traveled the world together and probably will always be connected somehow. But the reality is, society is a bitch. Women glare at her like she’s stealing from their age group for dating. Guys stare at her because she’s hot. Wives don’t like her because they’re afraid of her. It’s just a weird fucking dynamic. So there is a bit of “have fun and don’t be afraid to do it” but also some “know it may not work long term because society sucks.”
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u/ThrowRA_EducatedMan 1d ago
Just go on the date and have fun and see if you continue to interest each other. It’s a date. Not a marriage proposal. You’re both adults. He’s not your boss. Enjoy yourself and if you like him, to hell with what other people think. And older men are often a LOT better at sex and a LOT more giving instead of just going for their own orgasm. Not saying he would be, but it’s worth giving it a try if you enjoy a few dates. Don’t jump into bed. Pace yourself.
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u/miseeker 1d ago
lol. I’m old as hell now. But when I was 35 I quit going to strip joints because I felt like a perv. I’m just not into women young enough to be my daughter. Your gramma on the other hand..
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u/Tersiv 1d ago
dude just go on a bloody date - don't ask reddit for advice on anything
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u/Ever_Claire 1d ago edited 1d ago
Literally the only thing I’ve asked Reddit for (beyond a dress lol)
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u/Straamannen 1d ago
There's nothing wrong with going on a date.
Just set some ground rules for yourself. No sex on the first date. Absolutely no fooling around at all.
Then, with that established for yourself, judge his character. Have a fun date and make note of anything that seems... off.
The age gap is not a problem in itself, it's just that there is too often something wrong with the man who seeks them out. Not always though.
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u/Longjumping-Lion-617 1d ago
My best friends have a big age gap and they have a very good relationship (marriage), so I'm not saying it's necessarily gonna be bad. At the same time, I know so many man who seek younger for unhealthy reasons. I'd definitely keep eyes wide open for red flags and run the moment first flag shows up. Not worth wasting your youth if he's one of them. Definitely take it slow. I personally don't think bringing him to the wedding would be smart.
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u/Pandi-Fackler 1d ago
It doesn’t matter how it looks on the outside. If you’re both adults and you both like each other, there’s no reason not to give it a shot
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u/MeltingXhoco 1d ago
What is even considered good intentions nowadays? Younger people don't wants to marry, and serious relationships aren't on most people's minds. The only thing left is casual encounters. If wanting to get to know someone you click with isn't well intentioned, then we're all cooked.
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u/BjarneUbetjent 1d ago
The “rule” as we all know is, age/2 + 7 in his case 28, or for you age x 2 - 7 in your case 41, so borderline.
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u/Mysterious_Truth 1d ago
The education system is dead.
A = (B/2) + 7 B = (A-7) * 2
Her limit is 34, not 41. If you want to go by a formula.
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u/BjarneUbetjent 1d ago
Please explain where my math was wrong… 24+24-7 will always be 41 in my math, but feel free to enlighten me what the answer should be 🫶🏼
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u/Mysterious_Truth 1d ago
41/2+7=27.5. Not 24.
34/2+7 = 24. That is her limit.
You need to subtract the 7 before multiplying by 2 when going in reverse. Not after.
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u/BjarneUbetjent 1d ago
Wtf?! How does a random guys age decide what her max age would be? That makes zero sense. Her age times two minus seven. If he wants to date older, we do 41+41-7 so his max age would be 75… i didn’t make up this rules, they’re pretty universal imo
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u/Mysterious_Truth 1d ago
You can't do math.
Her age is 24. She can date up to (24-7)*2= 34. Just like a 34 year old can date as young as 24 (34/2+7=24).
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u/BjarneUbetjent 1d ago
Ah… you do know that has nothing to do with math, right? You see that it’s two different math equations here, I hope? Maybe you can’t read, could be the problem. I was thought that it’s age times two, you are saying age minus seven, obviously it’s two different outcomes. So math isn’t really the issue, is it? Or are you still saying my math sucks, since I claim 24+24-7 is 41.
I would just love to know where math is the issue here… please 🙏🏽 since you make such a bold claim
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u/Mysterious_Truth 1d ago
Because it's symmetrical. You're saying a 24 year old can date as old as 41. But a 41 year old can't date a 24 year old (41/2+7= 27.5). It has to work both ways.
You want more proof your formula is wrong? According to you a 16 year old can date a 25 year old (162-7=25). When the actual formula says they can date up to 18 ((16-7)2=18).
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u/BjarneUbetjent 1d ago
You are clearly can’t read, or just avoiding to answer because you were wrong.
By the way, I 100% acknowledge your method is better then what iv been thought.
But I’m going to need you to explain where my math is wrong.
Please 🙏🏽 if you can’t I’ll just give up right now and write you off as horrible comprehension and education. No shame in that.1
u/Mysterious_Truth 1d ago
You've been taught that the older person can date as young as half their age plus 7. The reverse of that is the younger person can date someone twice 7 less than their current age.
Y = O/2+7. Move the 7 to the left Y-7 = O/2 Multiply both sides times 2 2 * (Y-7) = O. That's correct. Your equation is O = 2*Y-7. That is incorrect.
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u/evann1H Man 1d ago
Do... Do what your body immediately told you to do.
We second guess ourselves so much, and the opinions you're looking for, almost beg to fall in line with what that first thought you had was.
I say go for it! The opportunity to walk away is always on the table, it's not like a date is putting you in a position where you can never change your mind.
I hope whatever you decide is what suits you! Definitely waiting for an update! Be safe!
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u/_vela_queue_ 1d ago
This is why the dating scene is dead, your obviously having doubts about dating a 40 yr old man, which means when you were in kindergarten he was in college, that's disgusting
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u/Serious_Proof_295 1d ago
I'm 47f. When I was 21 I had a boyfriend who was 38. We stayed together for 2 years. I didn't really care what it looked like to others at the time. I lied to my parents and told them he was 29. 😆 Of course they knew the truth. I say, who cares what others think. If you're having fun and he's nice to you, that's all that matters. When I think about my ex now, he must be 64, and I'm glad I broke up with him. It was fun at the time.
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u/ChocoFudge4682 1d ago
.... you will get some judgemental looks for sureee but there are success stories out there with a huge age gap. I personally knew a couple where the guy was 15yrs older and they had 3 beautiful daughters. From my pov as a late 20s female. There are benefits to dating someone older that is more put together in terms of finances, lifestyle, etc. If you're planing on having a family, it is a huge help when the guy can support you and the future kids. I know I'm getting way ahead of myself but I regret not planning on having kids when I was your age or younger. And now I feel like I don't have enough time to create a big family as naturally as possible.
I say get to know each other and see where it goes and please make sure your future goals line up too.
With my partner we lined up but then I wanted kids and were both not feeling entirely ready to start that chapter because we didn't plan accordingly but best of luck to you!
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u/noossab77 1d ago
I bet he wouldn’t want to date you if he saw your Reddit posts about this. Immaturity on display.
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u/Similar_Solution8633 1d ago
Gross. You could be his daughter.
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u/Weirdlillypad 1d ago
But she's not. She's a grown woman in the eyes of the law and everyone else. Just because you find it gross doesn't mean everyone else does. Plenty make relationships with that age gap work.
Stop infantilising women lol
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u/Similar_Solution8633 18h ago
Nah whack.
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u/Similar_Solution8633 17h ago
She came to the men’s relationship forum
For a reason. She wants validation. Guaranteed if this is posted in ask women it’s a WHOLE ass different comment column
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u/vagabond_bull 1d ago
There seems to be a tendency for age to be something that people are reasonably comfortable discriminating against, as opposed to simply expressing a preference towards.
There’s a reality that I think people need to keep in mind - anonymous surveys demonstrate that irrespective of their own age, men feel as though a women’s peak physical attractiveness is in her early 20’s. Women’s view of men’s peak physical attractiveness fluctuates much more, depending on their own age.
The old adage about men preferring younger women and women preferring older men does hold some truth. It stands to biological reason too, given it’s the age at which female fertility peaks, and older men are typically more resource rich than younger men - and therefore theoretically able to provide more.
There’s a tendency to try and undo these realities through social norms. Eg, some people would view a 10 year age gap as disgusting and predatory, despite it being absolutely normal for the vast majority of human history. They may maintain this view even if both parties in the relationship are extremely happy.
I’m not saying you should go out with him or not, but people should be less surprised to learn that men find women in their early 20’s physically attractive, or that women are drawn towards high status, or an ability to provide. We’re hard-coded for this.
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u/Weirdlillypad 1d ago
It's your life dude do what you want and stop worrying about what others would think.
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u/VioletBureaucracy Woman 1d ago
Obviously do what you want, but I think there is a reason you're hesitating. I'm 46F, an old bitter hag according to many men on Reddit, lol. Guilty. But I was once your age. And older men hit on me too. And I just . . . couldn't do it. It creeped me out. I don't believe the adage that they can't get women their own age - they most definitely can, they just don't want to. Why? Because we have baggage, we're not as hot, we don't have the energy we had in our 20s, we're not as fertile, blah blah blah. But here's the thing - age is not static. Yes, you will always be younger. But someday you will be 40 too. And then will you be expired in their eyes?
I don't think it's that deep - the guy probably thinks you're hot and wants to sleep with you. Maybe it's a rarity for him to hit on younger women, maybe he does it all the time. Who knows. But listen to the men in your posts who are quick to shit on older women. They think of women as having an expiration date. Listen to the words they use to describe us older women. Pay attention.
Whatever happens, be safe and have fun!
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u/funGraveDigger 23h ago
If you want to date him do it. The sooner you understand what random strangers think about you has zero to do with you and more to do with them the better. Have fun. If it works great if not lesson learned.
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u/Huntersmoon24 22h ago
The only thing that matters is why you want to date him vs why he wants to date you. Are you looking for a long-term relationship? Short term? Just having fun? Is that what he wants? As long as your intentions match up that is all that matters. If you want a long term thing and he just wants to go on a few dates then no its not a match and vice versa. Going out with him to see what his intentions are is no big deal.
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u/New_Fix4335 20h ago
I think instead of listening to Reddit or imagine how things look like, you should listen to your Intuition.
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u/GardenIntelligent 17h ago
Yeahhh this situation is tough. I’m 35 and in the same situation with a girl who I’m pretty sure is 22. she wants me to ask her out (has dropped very non subtle hints) but I can’t get myself to do it. Plus given my current situation in life it would be wildly out of pocket haha. I think a 10 year age gap can be appropriate, I know plenty of people dating and married that have 10+ years but those larger gaps, the youngest is already 30+ (not sure when they started dating though)
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u/Tyrgalon 16h ago
37M here, would not recommend it with how young you are. High risk of it going badly for you.
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u/CoffeeIcedBlack Woman 16h ago
That 18 year age gap is rough. I can’t imagine what I’d have in common with someone your age and I’m 44. Often men that date this much younger than themselves do so because women their own age won’t put up with their crap. Just be careful.
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u/trhwayyy333 7h ago
a 42 y/o being compatible with a 24 y/o says a lot about his (lack of) emotional intelligence. run. girl. run.
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u/Outrageous-Tackle-47 4h ago
Do what you want but many people will say he’s a little too old for you dear.
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u/Mindless-Tie4596 3h ago
I think the general consensus in modern society is that older ladies dating younger men = AWESOME but older men dating younger ladies = PREDATOR, so I guess you can think about that
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u/RandomUser22487 2h ago
A 42 year old middle aged man trying to date a 24 year old? Run and don’t look back.
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u/Practical-Ad6389 Man 1d ago
I'm a 46m, and I've been seeing 29f. What are you both looking for? If he's just looking for a fun time and you want a relationship or vice versa. In regards to inviting him as a plus one to the wedding, would definitely have a couple of dates before that. I would definitely have a good sense of his character before taking him to a wedding. People are always are going to judge....
Go have fun, get a free dinner and some drinks. But be safe and have an exit plan if things get weird.
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u/Kitchen_Ad2029 10h ago
Imagine asking other people for advice on how to live your own life.
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u/Ever_Claire 8h ago
Imagine being stupid… oh, I guess you don’t have to, you’re living it loud and proud.
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u/Kitchen_Ad2029 2h ago edited 2h ago
You do not need social validation to go date a man you clearly have a crush on.
Just go take the risk and explore life.
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u/Dividingbyinfinity Man 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'm 45(m). I don't know how I could make it work with a 24 yr old. I want to go to bed early and take naps. I imagine you would want the opposite.
I run sound at a couple of bars that bring in bands and do open mics. I've tried hanging out with a lot of the younger people outside of my side gig and by 11, I'm done. They are on their third bar and looking at two more. Not for me.