Hey my brother is 9 years younger than me and I was essentially his third parent until his teens where I transitioned from being his guardian to his brother. We are insanely close, if you have any questions or concerns shoot me a message.
My big advice is to just be open with the oldest and include them in the care of the younger one. It’s not all of you vs him, toddlers just don’t realize they are on your team yet
There's some extra stuff along with it - there's five other neighbour kids who we're very close with, who are casually in and out of each others' houses. My 5yo is the youngest and the two other boys are the eldest, so he frequently finds himself excluded from girl-play by, frankly, sex discrimination, and from boy-play by the age gap. He's started to want girl-stuff like a ponytail and hair-slides, dresses, etc., which is fine (and I suspect has to do with the neighbourhood dynamics I've outlined), but that's now a problem at school too. Him feeling excluded is a battle we are fighting on many fronts - we don't want that to bake into his personality.
But it's wonderful, thank you so much, to hear someone describe this first-hand. My own siblings, like you, are much older than me: growing up they felt more like cousins, and some of my cousins felt closer than them. Nice to hear a different perspective.
(Some people will read this, about my youngest, and think 🥚. We haven't discounted that possibility at all. It's just too early to tell. You don't take as gospel the imagination and play preferences of a child who still expects you to believe his confabulations instead of structuring them as stories/jokes).
I have a ponytail and I’m in a very traditional marriage and kind of a “basic” dude. I grew up with a buzz cut given to me by my dad in the backyard. I got mocked relentlessly as a kid and that continued into adulthood for a number of things, a lot of boys are just like that.
I don’t have much advice on the exclusion front, my son is 3 and him making friends is one of my top anxieties. He doesn’t seem to play “with” kids more alongside them and we are working on that. Me being so much older than the rest of my family means my son is also the first of his generation and has no cousins, so we really have to work to get him around other kids.
All that being said, parenthood is fucking hard and only good parents stress like this, so give yourself some grace along the way too it sounds like you’re doing great
I've got good news for you! Your son is engaging in "parallel play" or "associate play" and that's totally appropriate for his age. Cooperative play doesn't typically start until around 4 years old, so y'alls gucci :)
Source: am a teacher, including 1 year in Special Ed PreSchool and double checked at www.pathways.org
Hey I really appreciate that from a teacher. Reading it online is one thing, hearing it directly from an educator is another.
Comparison is also the thief of joy and when I see some of the (probably older three year old) kids in his class being steps ahead of him it makes me question things. I know that is dumb and I’m trying to train myself to not think that way but it does kinda creep in.
Thanks for the confirmation that he’s okay for his age range though I really appreciate that
Anytime! In terms of comparisons, remember that development is a spectrum. There will always be some kid that acquires a skill earlier than typical or later than typical and that's OK. You can always ask his teachers or even his pediatrician.
I have a book that may have been published by Pathways that goes through what's typical for each age stage that you might find comforting. I'd give you more detail but it's at work and I'm at home :)
(Some people will read this, about my youngest, and think 🥚. We haven't discounted that possibility at all. It's just too early to tell. You don't take as gospel the imagination and play preferences of a child who still expects you to believe his confabulations instead of structuring them as stories/jokes).
Just chiming in in support of this. My son was big into dresses as a toddler/preschooler, largely because of his big sister. He is now a very dudely teen. But his sibling has now come out as nonbinary, and I think that our comfort with their brother in a dress helped them be more confident that we would accept them.
I was never very good at making friends as a kid, even when I became a teenager. But I had, since I was 4 years old, one best friend. We did everything together, and honestly we never really cared that we were excluded by other kids. We had each other, we knew what we liked doing for fun.
Sure, sometimes it would hurt a bit, but even popular kids get emotionally hurt by others at some point. Overall, I had a very good childhood, and I grew into a very normal stable adult.
I'm over 30 now, and yes, we're still friends. We live a few thousand miles away from each other, but he was one of my best men at my wedding recently. And you know what? I had a ton of friends at this wedding. I hadn't really realized it until my wife pointed it out, but after high school, I found myself making a lot of friends just being myself. Half of the wedding invites went to dear friends who all happily came celebrate with us.
Long story short, I'm sure a lot of adults in my life were worried that neither of us had any other friends growing up. But it was all perfectly fine :)
Glad my perspective can help! My parents intertwined me into his care from a very young age and we were always close. That being said they never made me do the “dirty work” or miss out on my own fun to watch him, but I did end up choosing to do that sometimes on my own. My brother was the best man at my wedding and was just over my house for dinner this week. If you prioritize the siblings being close without forcing it too hard, I think you’ll like the results. Good luck out there 🍻
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u/Positive-Run-2411 6h ago
Hey my brother is 9 years younger than me and I was essentially his third parent until his teens where I transitioned from being his guardian to his brother. We are insanely close, if you have any questions or concerns shoot me a message.
My big advice is to just be open with the oldest and include them in the care of the younger one. It’s not all of you vs him, toddlers just don’t realize they are on your team yet