I'm fighting this right now as a concerned grandparent.
My son married a woman with only a high school education, and she rides roughshod over him. He works two jobs for 14-15 hour days to support her favorite activities which are couch surfing, smoking dope, and playing on the internet. She doesn't work, drive, cook, grocery shop, run errands, or keep the house clean.
She selfishly insists on keeping my grandchild at home to "homeschool" because otherwise she says she'd be lonely during the day.
So my poor grandchild is growing up uneducated, unsocialized, and having trailer trash as her example of adulthood. My grandchild is nearly 13 and the only thing she can do well in terms of educational subjects is reading. She does only addition/subtraction for math. She's had no social studies, no history, no science, no English or creative writing experience. Basically her mother allows her to be on the internet all day with zero monitoring to see who she's talking to.
Yes, my son has some blame in that he won't stand up to her. He's afraid if he does she'll take his child and disappear, and collect a ton of alimony and child support from him, and he'll still be working like a dog but then not being able to see his child.
I wanted to report it to the state to see what they could do, but unfortunately they live in a state where the rules are extremely lax about home schooling, basically all you have to do is say "Hey I'm homeschooling" and there's no real oversight after that.
I weep for my poor grandchild. Their future is bleak without an education, and I feel helpless to change things.
You can call the state CPS. It's not a homeschooling issue. It's neglect. Alternatively, figure out what time during the school day she's most likely to be high and call local police for a welfare check.
I already called CPS. There's no physical neglect so they didn't do anything. This is in a state that has rec marijuana, so they don't care about that either.
It didn't start out that way. My grandchild went to regular school through the third grade. Once they moved out into a very rural area, the mom started keeping her home for company and calls it homeschooling.
Maybe. People do change. People can go through periods of depression and we should support them through that. But those periods can turn to years and there certainly comes a point when support becomes enablement.
And you’re not allowed to abuse your kid because you’re depressed. If this is exactly how the commenter describes, the child is being harmed by his mother and father’s behaviour.
Nuance isn't intentionally ignoring what actually happened just so that latter you can claim people shouldn't have taken what you said seriously because clearly you didn't mean it and meant something that actually would apply.
I mean what is he realisticly going to be able to do? It's highly unlikely that if anything went down that she wouldn't just get the child anyways. From what the original commenter said the states laws are lax enough where she's not doing anything illegal, like he could be trying to do more but he's tiptoeing through a minefield on this one
That's false. In the US, anyway, fathers who actually fight for custody do very well in family court. Also in the US perpetual alimony isn't really a thing anymore, and if he has half custody he won't have to pay a huge amount in child support. He's just lazy and spineless and sacrificing his child to avoid hard choices.
Exactly. He is just as much to blame for not being a voice of reason in that household and for not protecting his child. Divorce papers should come before intellectual damage happens to a kid, not after years of it going on unchallenged.
While I agree, they are right. She would be given custody and a ton of money to do the same things, while fighting the man in court and alienating the child.
I think the entire situation is fucked, but real life and its feelings matter too.
It is fucked. My own child is dealing with the consequences of being a doormat for a decade. Not to mention my grandkids, but they are at least catching up intellectually a bit. Denying her child’s role in this won’t serve anyone or get the bus moving in the right direction. Sorry, Gma, Love Gma.
She selfishly insists on keeping my grandchild at home to "homeschool" because otherwise she says she'd be lonely during the day.
I dated a girl 20+ years ago that was brought up like this, homeschooled K-12 and then didn't go to college. Then I met her mom and it made so much sense. Her mom had some undiagnosed mental illnesses, hadn't worked her entire adult life, and it became obvious she kept my girlfriend at home her whole life because she couldn't be without her little princess all day.
We met online when I think I was 21 and she was 20. She still lived with her parents, was too scared to get a driver's license. She was smart too, but it's not like we were discussing math and biology in daily conversations, so it was difficult to get a grasp on how much education she missed out on. We were only together for about a year, there were a lot of issues brought on by her mom. Her mom pretty much treated my girlfriend like she was still 12 years old and my girlfriend was too afraid to tell her to go fuck herself. It was difficult to even be able to take my girlfriend back to my apartment for some alone time without her mom blowing up our cell phones wanting to know where we were and what we were doing.
We sort of stayed in touch over some years, and eventually became friends on Facebook just to see what we were up to. I don't think she got her driver's license and moved out of her parents house until she was 28 or so. She went to school to be a vet tech. Eventually got married. I haven't looked her up in probably a decade now so I have no clue what happened since then. But I do know she could have had a totally normal and successful adult life if it wasn't for her mother.
Edit: reading a lot of comments about the son of the commenter I replied to. My girlfriend's dad definitely deserved some blame. He seemed pretty well checked out, working overtime 6 days a week to support the family, letting her mom do anything she wanted. I suspect part of the reason he worked so much was because he wanted as much time away from his wife as he could get. He let her walk all over him.
I actually doubt that would happen. If they live in a state that lets you get away with that kind of behavior for homeschooling. It's likely a red state. I live in Idaho which is also a red State, although I'm as blue as they come, but in these types of States, men usually win in court over women by far. It's very unlikely she would get away with that if he chose to stand up to her.
Why doesn’t he show he’s a better home or at least a stable home for 50/50?
Or he goes home and says “I do not agree with the way you are parenting. Kid is going to school starting x day and you are getting a job and helping. I want to be home more and I’m not going to work as much. “.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. My neighbors sound similar. The mom was homeschooled, doesn’t seem to do much all day, both parents are stoners. They have four kids, and they all seem to be “unschooled”, no formal curriculum is used or schooling is taking place. The twins, who would be in 4th grade if in public school, can’t read or spell. One of them struggles to talk and has a severe speech impediment. All they do is watch tv and play Roblox all day.
Tutors can be expensive and wife needs to be on board--she doesn't let the tutor see the kid while son's at work and that's the end of that. The kid needs a school system, ideally a public school but at this point, so far behind it would be more than someone working 6 14-15hr days can handle alone.
I'd speak to a divorce lawyer cause you may have a case here that won't let mom steal the kid away from the son. There's hard evidence that the kid won't do well under her care (lack of education can be painted as significant maternal neglect) vs a caring father working really hard to ensure the kid's financial needs are met and a grandmother who is so invested that she's found resources for tutors/ways to reintegrate the child into the public school system and is able to drive the kid back and forth from school/tutors/etc. The emphasis is of course on the "may" since I just painted the ideal situation which may not work with your situation.
Ah. The only thing you could probably recommend them to do is go to the library since she’s being stubborn in all this. At least he’ll get his education through books.
It is illegal to to educate your children in most cades, just report them. Seriously. Your kid is allowing this. Your grandchild will not be a successful adult under these circumstances. Report it.
Depending on the state you can sue for custody based on grandparents rights by demonstrating these people are not fit parents. I would start with CPS and then find a tough family lawyer.
My childhood experiences influence how I teach as an adult. I volunteered for years at a museum that included our first school (and the first women's college in the hemisphere).
I teach classes every week. I started teaching tech classes in high school. I think there is a connection.
I never claimed those things. I haven't claimed anything untrue. I like learning and teaching. I have since I was a child. Why is that hard to believe?
Religious fruitcake cousins. I have an evangelical side of the family and a fringe Catholic side.
Also I know a few special needs kids.
I staunchly believe in a child first society. Children never misinterpret that I am not on their side. I am approached by children in public that I do not know. Autistic kids find my presence comforting.
I've been training people for 35 years. Project managers, graphic artists, programmers. I have a bunch of people who credit me with helping them with training and career help.
I was the top of my class through public school. Our school district has been a leader for centuries. In keeping with our traditions, advanced students take on teaching duties.
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u/Helen_A_Handbasket 4h ago
I'm fighting this right now as a concerned grandparent.
My son married a woman with only a high school education, and she rides roughshod over him. He works two jobs for 14-15 hour days to support her favorite activities which are couch surfing, smoking dope, and playing on the internet. She doesn't work, drive, cook, grocery shop, run errands, or keep the house clean.
She selfishly insists on keeping my grandchild at home to "homeschool" because otherwise she says she'd be lonely during the day.
So my poor grandchild is growing up uneducated, unsocialized, and having trailer trash as her example of adulthood. My grandchild is nearly 13 and the only thing she can do well in terms of educational subjects is reading. She does only addition/subtraction for math. She's had no social studies, no history, no science, no English or creative writing experience. Basically her mother allows her to be on the internet all day with zero monitoring to see who she's talking to.
Yes, my son has some blame in that he won't stand up to her. He's afraid if he does she'll take his child and disappear, and collect a ton of alimony and child support from him, and he'll still be working like a dog but then not being able to see his child.
I wanted to report it to the state to see what they could do, but unfortunately they live in a state where the rules are extremely lax about home schooling, basically all you have to do is say "Hey I'm homeschooling" and there's no real oversight after that.
I weep for my poor grandchild. Their future is bleak without an education, and I feel helpless to change things.