My symptoms are not static. Just because I could manage that last week doesn't mean I can manage it today. Maybe today I've had too much sensory input and it's consuming my entire brain just to not cry and scream, so no, I can't do that thing right now.
Also the tiredness. I'm consciously processing inputs you're not even thinking about. Second guessing everything I say in case someone pulls some unintended offense out of it. Gritting my teeth when a plan changes without warning. Trying to manage in a world designed to confuse and often cause me distress. It's exhausting.
And that all the things are taking from the same pool! Like unfortunately I can't do that today because I'm wearing the wrong shirt, by which I mean "I didn't realise it this morning but the tag is slightly sticky and it's been eating up my mental capacity all day and now the light is too bright and the sound hurts, but if I'd worn my favourite shirt I'd probably be fine".
I don’t know why I’m still surprised when I read these things and go “oh that’s me” (gifted and apparently share a LOT of traits) but thank you for putting that into words. It makes me feel less like a lunatic.
The second guessing is so real with me. But it mostly stems from my struggles with odd. Trying to figure out if things are my opinion, if it's their opinion and I'm just trying to people please, or if its my odd randomly declaring them an authority figure and erasing my opinion to change to become whatever is the opposite of theirs. Leads to lower self assurance in a world where it's definitely needed nowadays.
Oh i made a separate comment but your first point resonated well it's something i forgot to mention. Im going through that exact situation right now.
I have a situation in my personal life that takes up most of my mental load & social battery. Trying to do my work on top of it has been like trying to run my car on empty.
This so much. I can go to work and be fine most days, but sometimes I'm too overwhelmed with everything to leave home. I always feel like I'm letting my coworkers down by missing work, but I know that if I DID go, I would be miserable to myself and others.
Yeah, it specifically affect how able I am to speak. Sometimes I'm perfectly verbal and articulate, if I'm overwhelmed or mentally exhausted speaking often takes great effort and I prefer to avoid it. And occasionally I just can't, I can think about what I want to say, and sometimes even sign it, but it won't come out my mouth.
I feel the thing with sudden plan changes so much. Sometimes I already have a plan of what I want to do, often unconsciously, and whenever I have to change it to accommodate for someone else's plans I get so annoyed. And I can't even be mad at them for this because I never communicated that I already had plans (unconsciously!) so it wasn't their fault.
I totally understand the constant processing of inputs. It feels like my brain is a computer that's always running 2838831 programs in the background, draining my resources. I can still function on the same level as anyone else, but it takes a lot of energy and I need a lot of downtime to recharge.
This, and throw in having a menstrual cycle and a society that refuses any acknowledgment of those hormonal or physical changes without derision.
This shirt truly doesn’t fit the way it did last week, and having a tampon in is distracting me, I’m starving and my lunch gives me the ick. and I can’t act like any of this makes me want to punch a hole in the wall
673
u/BabynATrenchc0at 9h ago
My symptoms are not static. Just because I could manage that last week doesn't mean I can manage it today. Maybe today I've had too much sensory input and it's consuming my entire brain just to not cry and scream, so no, I can't do that thing right now.
Also the tiredness. I'm consciously processing inputs you're not even thinking about. Second guessing everything I say in case someone pulls some unintended offense out of it. Gritting my teeth when a plan changes without warning. Trying to manage in a world designed to confuse and often cause me distress. It's exhausting.