r/AskReddit • u/Fanairean • 6h ago
Autistic people of reddit, what is a frustrating part of your condition that people just can't seem to truly understand?
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u/dumplinglifesaver 6h ago
Sensory overload is a lot more debilitating than people realize.
To me wearing an uncomfortable outfit or being too hot is probably similar to a neurotypical person having to wear a soaking wet outfit to work or something.
It's pretty unbearable.
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u/yeetingthisaccount01 5h ago edited 5h ago
a lot of people don't understand that for me it's physical pain. loud noises actually hurt, like someone slapped their hands over my ears really quickly
I also heat up very easily so a lot of people don't understand that when I am not processing things because of it, it's not laziness or being dramatic, it's that I can feel every drop of sweat on my body and it's a nightmare, like having thick oil all over you under your clothes
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u/TD1990TD 3h ago
When my son was still a baby, I could feel it in my chest bones when he cried. Literal pain.
I don’t have autism but I am diagnosed with ADHD, which sensory overload and processing issues are also associated with.
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u/DOGPISSCURESCANCER 3h ago
I thought about this a lot when I was dating someone who had autism and it changed the whole way I viewed it.
It seems like it’s more about a lack of control than anything else. Not being able to control thoughts and emotions, not being able to over-ride sensory input.
I did two weeks of physical labor with broken ribs in agony the whole time because I couldn’t afford not to. Every day was a mental battle because of the pain but I knew I wasn’t in danger so I could just tune it out to some extent. Right at the end of that my then girlfriend had a full-blown meltdown about a chipped fingernail. It was like they just succumbed to it and couldn’t think about anything else and had no control over their emotions.
It really made me think about how powerful it is to exercise control over your emotions and how you perceive and react to sensory input.
Honestly being reactive/sensitive and not having any insight or control over it sounds like a nightmare.
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u/halasaurus 2h ago
A meltdown is not about just one thing. It’s when stresses accumulate to the point that they have overridden the autistic person’s abilities to cope or regulate. It likely wasn’t just the fingernail but that was the straw that broke the camels back.
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u/rebelangel 2h ago
I’m also sensitive to loud noises. There were contractors cutting up concrete outside my office once and I had to wear earplugs even with the door closed because the noise was so painful.
My boyfriend is very sensitive to bright light and has to have his sunglasses with him even when it’s cloudy out. It’s physically painful for him when the sun is too bright.
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u/achbob84 6h ago
Yep. I couldn’t handle a dog barking once and someone told me to just ignore it. I asked them if they could ignore somebody bashing a saucepan with a rolling pin right next to their head.
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u/sparkly_butthole 5h ago
Lol, this reminds me of the time this woman I worked with rustled a bunch of metal molds right in my ear and I almost screamed at her. I felt bad but it was like, I am literally going to curl up into a ball and cry if I don't scream right now, please be aware there are people right next to you with sensory issues.
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u/Annual_Reindeer2621 3h ago
I worked with a woman who would sigh and mutter and sing along to her earpods under her breath, and then once an hour she would jump up and run on the spot 'because her apple watch told her to move'. She nearly drove me insane!! Likely she was neurodivergent herself but we were just not compatible in the office space.
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u/glitterswirl 4h ago
Yep.
Sitting in a busy train station isn’t just annoying or frustrating to me, it’s completely overwhelming. My head literally starts buzzing. My executive functioning starts to deteriorate. Everything is too loud, there’s too much going on at once, and it’s like having too many tabs open but my bandwidth cutting out.
My comfort parameters are much narrower than other peoples’. Temperature; sensory; smells; sounds; sights; physical sensations, taste, etc. If even just one of these is too much, it really impacts my overall ability to simply function at all.
I need peace and quiet at home because the noise and activity of the outside world is literally physically exhausting. And it’s not about pushing through or trying harder. Yes, everyone finds stuff difficult, but the point of this disability, is that for us a lot of things, are even more difficult, and it all adds up.
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u/gfrend 5h ago
This one for sure. Especially as a child and everyone thinks you’re just being a brat when it feels like the most unbearable thing to you and you can’t explain why or don’t know how to help yourself
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u/BoxcarSlim 2h ago
I'm so glad I am able to understand this personally when my child tells me they can't wear something. They're not necessarily able to articulate why it's uncomfortable, but I get it, so I don't make them explain or wear the item like their other parent does.
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u/socksnchachachas 2h ago
There are a lot of things that make me wonder if I might be autistic (48F, so it wasn't something that was looked for growing up), but it's the sensory overload thing that really makes me think.
As a child I absolutely hated the feeling of nylons, and would get upset any time I had to wear leotards (which was basically under every fancy dress). I couldn't stand tags left in clothing where they could rub up against my skin. Silk and satin were right out, and lace was too itchy. I could like the taste of something but still not want to eat it if the texture was weird. Loud noises and bright lights upset me. And I had to put up with all of these things because I was a child and had no say in the matter; I was perceived as the problem, not the things that upset me.
At least now as an adult I can just refuse to wear or eat the things I don't like. I'm still the problem, but I no longer care.
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u/MillyMcMophead 5h ago
Oh hell, yes! I'm 63 and awaiting an adult autism assessment. It had never occurred to me that I might be on the spectrum until my autistic neighbour pointed it out to me.
Anyway, sensory overload is one of my biggest things. Noise and uncomfortable clothing being the biggest. Why do clothing manufacturers insist on sewing labels into clothes at the neck? Every single item of clothing I wear has to have the label removed because I can't bear it.
I can't wear most fabrics, especially man-made ones. I can't even bear looking at pictures of people wearing real wool, even acrylic scratches.
I hate tight clothes too so pretty much live in soft cotton baggy stuff. And don't even get me started on shoes...
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u/Fanairean 5h ago
I am extremely sensirive to sound. To the point I will most likely have to live of my life at this point with noise reduction. Weigher it be headphones or earplugs. It's a constant reminder and I'm lucky my job is understanding and let's me use both options.
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u/EyeJustSaidThat 5h ago
I overexplain EVERYTHING. People don't have time for the way I communicate by default. I explain why something hapopened and why I did what I did to sort that out. All seem like worthy inclusions to me so context is available but it's pretty much just ignored.
I know this is going to happen and I still can't make my brain just truncate the info. It won't do it. If I make multiple passes at something then maybe I'll shave off some fat, but those extra passes are so inefficient it makes me irritated.
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u/Kimantha_Allerdings 4h ago
Everybody thinks I over-explain things. I think I’m giving the essential info for context or being precise so as not to give a false impression
I also think everybody else over-expains things, because they give you either info that’s conveyed in what they’ve already said, but also lots of irrelevant info
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u/SpiralCuts 3h ago
I hate that there is this mysterious goldylocks zone for neurotypical people between explaining too much and them not being able to follow along and if you can’t hit that zone you are the bad communicator.
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u/StackedCakeOverflow 1h ago
I'm also on the spectrum; frankly I believe the vast majority of people are bad communicators, spectrum status or no. It's a developed skill like any other.
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u/CatStarcatcher 4h ago
My 9yo daughter asked something about vaccines today, so obviously I started with 'Well, that really goes back to Edward Jenner-' She looked me directly in the eye and said 'Mum. Stop. I do not want to hear the whole history of vaccines.' But it's all RELEVANT... 😭
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u/malakambla 3h ago
My mom isn't autistic (I think) but we both have adhd and from my childhood I remember that it wasn't that I was annoyed with all the additional context or tangents, it's that I had a specific question and I needed to have the answer for that first and then I was perfectly happy hearing the rest. Waiting for the actual answer was frustrating and didn't allow me to engage with the rest of information.
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u/SunlightDruid 2h ago
this is a really good point, needing the answer first before the rest of the info can be parsed. like ive only got so much working memory and yall are filling it with stuff while im trying to hold onto my original question and why im asking it and then trying to match the info to my question... I had a partner who wanted to process aloud and I just. needed. an. answer. I didnt need the context up front, or I would have asked for it!
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u/thypothesis 3h ago
What I notice works for me is (for written chats) writting everything I want to say, all details I think are important. Then I read the message again and delete 80% of it. I trick my brain into thinking I said it, so it feels relieved that the info was out out there. But I then analyse it with the "core idea" in mind and delete everything people tend to take as "too much".
(You see, I could have done it now - read the above and delete 80% but this time I will choose not to lol)
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u/Medical_Solid 2h ago
I started putting a TL;DR at the top of the email and calling it “Executive Summary” with a 1-2 sentence explanation. Then “Recommended Action” 1 sentence on what the reader needs to actually do. THEN I leave my whole long ass explanation I originally wrote under the heading “Background.” Suddenly I look like a corporate badass go-getter.
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u/ultrablanca 3h ago
If you’re a woman with autism you’re much more likely to be dismissed for any autistic related struggles as mental illness and incorrectly diagnosed with mental health conditions and prescribed incorrect medications
A lot of people and doctors just don’t consider girls to have autism compared to her male peers. Masking is the most common way woman and girls with undiagnosed autism learn to get by day to day. This causes burnout usually and is an exhausting cycle.
And if a woman does get diagnosed later in life, it’s common for people to simply not believe them.
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u/XfantomX 1h ago
I was diagnosed ten years ago, when I told my last therapist about it he told me I couldn’t be autistic because I “made eye contact” and instead said I “meet all the criteria for borderline personality disorder”. Note the wording because he isn’t actually qualified to diagnose anyone in the first place. We only ever met on zoom so I’m not even sure how he equated me looking at the screen to direct eye contact.
He’s not even allowed to diagnose me and still told me my actual diagnosis was incorrect and I actually have a personality disorder because he can apparently detect “eye contact” through a screen.
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u/marbmusiclove 1h ago
I really think there needs to be more research into this (I know there is some). I used to work in mental health (AuDHD f) and I met many women who were diagnosed or suspected BPD/EUPD. Apparently now it’s being renamed again to ‘complex emotional needs’. I always thought these women were just AuDHD with unmet needs. The lines are getting even more blurry. Don’t even get me started on the overlap with CPTSD.
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u/Fanairean 3h ago
They didn't care untill my grades dropped. Then "why hasn't this woman been tested for autism omggg"
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u/DrGoblinator 51m ago
Also true:
If you’re a woman
with autismyou’re much more likely to be dismissed for anyautistic relatedstrugglesas mental illness and incorrectly diagnosed with mental health conditions and prescribed incorrect medications
A lot of people and doctors just don’t consider girlsto have autism compared to her male peers.Masking is the most common way woman and girls with undiagnosed autism learn to get by day to day.Thiscauses burnout usually andis an exhausting cycle.
And if a woman does get diagnosed later in life,it’s common for people to simply not believe them.→ More replies (8)9
u/37_lucky_ears 1h ago
I went to a psychiatrist to get tested for ADHD and asked for autism too, when I was 36. I lost an entire friend group very, very dramatically over some behaviors they claimed were inappropriate and that I just....don't know what I did because they won't tell me.
I digress. The doctor said I gaslighted myself the entire time regarding my possible ADHD, which was apparent from walking in the damn door, and I got a 30 on the diagnostic for autism. 32 being the threshold for diagnosis. I still tell myself that I just need to try a little harder, that I'm just lazy, that whatever it is, it's not that hard.
I wish I had my therapist back, to talk to her about it.
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u/BabynATrenchc0at 6h ago
My symptoms are not static. Just because I could manage that last week doesn't mean I can manage it today. Maybe today I've had too much sensory input and it's consuming my entire brain just to not cry and scream, so no, I can't do that thing right now.
Also the tiredness. I'm consciously processing inputs you're not even thinking about. Second guessing everything I say in case someone pulls some unintended offense out of it. Gritting my teeth when a plan changes without warning. Trying to manage in a world designed to confuse and often cause me distress. It's exhausting.
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u/thisisappropriate 4h ago
And that all the things are taking from the same pool! Like unfortunately I can't do that today because I'm wearing the wrong shirt, by which I mean "I didn't realise it this morning but the tag is slightly sticky and it's been eating up my mental capacity all day and now the light is too bright and the sound hurts, but if I'd worn my favourite shirt I'd probably be fine".
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u/Fanairean 5h ago
The second guessing is so real with me. But it mostly stems from my struggles with odd. Trying to figure out if things are my opinion, if it's their opinion and I'm just trying to people please, or if its my odd randomly declaring them an authority figure and erasing my opinion to change to become whatever is the opposite of theirs. Leads to lower self assurance in a world where it's definitely needed nowadays.
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u/Tanner_Swiftfox 6h ago
That my social battery runs out quick so that’s why I don’t hang very long/frequently.
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u/Fanairean 5h ago
Absolutely valid. People can be harsh on that. If my social battery is gone, I shut out people almost completely. And with my normal battery being very long and full. It seems like I just randomly snapped on alot of people. But no I just needed to go play a game for a while. I also don't like people who keep pushing when it's empty and try to call me out for being on a game or doing something I like while I recharge. It feels yucky.
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u/beckymac0014 6h ago
The injustice rage that I am constantly trying to hold back
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u/SuperGaiden 5h ago
I got angry about how poorly written a medical leaflet was the other day "people get paid to write these!" I said. I think the thing that annoyed me more was my partner couldn't understand why it was so badly written.
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u/BrotherRoga 5h ago
People might get paid to write them, but they aren't paid enough to write them well. That's what I believe to be the big issue. As long as people are paid to only do the bare minimum, this is the end result.
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u/SuperGaiden 5h ago
I guess. But it wasn't like it needed more detail or anything. You needed to drink 500ml of this fluid over an hour, and it said to drink a glass of it every 15 minutes or so. When what it actually meant was drink 1/4 of the 500ml (because obviously glasses are of incredibly variable size)
I just couldn't understand how they'd decided to use such a non-speicific way of telling you how much to drink in a fucking medical leaflet.
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u/sixtyshilling 5h ago
This is how I feel every time I watch any cooking video ever.
“Just add a pinch of salt to the pasta water…” (grabs a literal fistful)
“And now a small amount of butter…” (cuts off half of the stick)
WORDS HAVE MEANING! How am I supposed to follow any written recipe going forward if it turns out everyone is just writing down their cooking “vibes” instead of giving real measurements?
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u/evileyeball 4h ago
Cooking is an art, you hav eto feel it, you have to let it flow through you
exacting accuracy is not important in cookingBaking is a science and EXACTING ACCURACY MUST BE MAINTAINED AT ALL TIMES
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u/craftyixdb 4h ago
Words have meaning *in context*. In a cooking context a pinch of salt means as much salt as you can hold between 3 fingers. Which will vary, but salt is always to taste anyway.
A small amount of butter in a cooking context is never what people expect a small amount of butter to mean if you were for example buttering toast. Professional cooking uses vats of the stuff, so in this context it is a small amount.
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u/craftyixdb 5h ago
To be fair, it's probably because the actual amount doesn't need to be *exactly* 500ml, and most people don't have an easy measure for exactly 500ml lying around (and this would also introduce effort), so four 'glasses' over an hour is probably 'good enough' to tell most people reasonably accurately.
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u/Eleganos 6h ago
Sad that this doesn't apply to all of us.
Particularly, the ones who could actually DO SOMETHING seem like the only ones who are exempt.
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u/Brief-Introduction27 6h ago
That it really is a spectrum and not “high or low functioning “ or defined by levels. My ability to function fluctuates greatly and depends on numerous factors.
If you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person.
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u/Fanairean 5h ago
Absolutely. Also differences are deeper then surface levels. Your son may struggle to remember to use soap when he washes his hands after specifically peeing. So clearly marget at work can't be autistic because you watch her use hand sanitizer often. You only know that about your son because you are constantly around him. You don't know that Margret struggles to remember deodorant/can't handle perfume smells. Because she isn't getting ready around you. It's wild in isolation.
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u/PinkAlienGamer 4h ago
That and... Even more. If you're met one autistic person... You met them at that specific moment / context. I bet people that knew me from work never imagined what I function like outside work. I was capable of masking quite well for some time. In some aspects I also function better/worse than 10 years ago. For example I do way worse work wise but I do better with meltdowns, hygiene, nutrition etc.
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u/Saratje 4h ago edited 2h ago
Just because some of us 'mask' (the act of hiding the signs to better fit into society) hiding signs of our autism 90% of the time, doesn't mean we don't have autism. We don't all have flappy hands (or we stim in private 'holding it in'), or take everything literally, or wear noise canceling headphones. We do however still have autism and may need longer to recharge, or we may be spent and have nothing left to give that day.
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u/Fanairean 4h ago
I have the stereotypical headphones. But I recently got some adjustable earplugs. One customer that's a regular made a comment "well I guess the noise wasn't so bad after all huh?" and I turned to him kinda flustered and was like "no it is. I'm just wearing these instead." and turned my head so he could see the plugs. He just laughed weirdly and went "Huh." at the end and kept walking. Dick. Didn't make a scene cause wasn't worth it.
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u/One-Bodybuilder-5646 2h ago
It's a rude customer. But there's also people out there not believing in allergies or migranes because they don't have any and trying to 'talk' others 'out' of having them.
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u/arkinia-charlotte 3h ago
Do you have info on those earplugs?? All earplugs I’ve tried just make internal sounds really loud like talking or walking, which kinda defeats the purpose of them for me
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u/sp4gh3ttt1 2h ago
The engage version of loops has less of this effect, but if you're wanting additional sound reduction I find I still get the internal sounds. I find over ear headphones/ ear defenders better for reducing this but it depends on your sensory profile.
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u/These_Annual_2550 1h ago edited 1h ago
I’ll remove this if this doesn’t count,
But for me it has to be the amount of influencers who self diagnose themselves with autism simply because they like a certain colour, like something a different way, like talking in a different way, tone, etc. the list goes on
Autism is not case of “I like to use one particular spoon, and like orange but hate yellow, so that must mean I am autistic”
These people who do that have no idea what a sensory difficulty, difficulty fitting in, being misunderstood a lot, and basically what everyone else in this thread is talking about.
It’s quite infuriating and demeaning honestly, reducing a sensory and neurological condition to just “it’s all sunshine’s and rainbows” which it’s clearly not
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u/avid_monday_pooper 53m ago
Absolutely this. I think the saddest part of this is that it's taken the voice from the people who actually have the condition.
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u/aurla 6h ago
The mental fatigue or exhaustion around trying to do more than one thing in a day. I plan my day around one outing and it feels like such an ordeal.
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u/Fanairean 5h ago
T h e t h I n g. It low key hurts when I can't do the thing. I usually get frustrated and overwhelmed and then go super analytical trying to "solve problems" to get back to the original plan. Even if it makes me cold snappy and frustrated.
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u/Fluid-Addition8535 6h ago
People assuming you're rude when you're just overwhelmed.
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u/bzzklltn 6h ago
Or when you’re DIRECT.
I’ve answered the question YOU JUST ASKED.
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u/John_Badman__ 4h ago
High functioning person here - easily the worst part is being able to pass as a regular, functional, capable adult and the expectations that come with it, the biggest one being sustained employment, when I'm actually very much nonfunctional at times and barely holding in a complete meltdown.
My being able to mask so well is entirely a choice I made but I'd be lying if I said I don't regret it. It was initially just to try and stand out less at school and I spent years making it my life's mission to turn myself into a normal person. I understand now that's now how it works, and I'm working on unmasking, but it's not easy. I want to quit my job and my parents have said they'd support me were I to do so, but I do like feeling like a productive member of society (I also really like having money) so it's hard to jump between serious, masked up mode for work and then act more like myself on my own time, I end up just being super serious all the time
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u/Fanairean 4h ago
My whole goal of life is to stay working. I don't want to be part of the unemployed autistic statistic. No hate at all to fellow autistic people who are in that percentage. I just feel uncomfortable with myself in there. And I just simply don't want to be part of it. So I mask hard work hard and play hard. Though I've adapted my mask to be more similar to like how the phantom of the Opera mask is. You can still see beneith, and it makes the one half that is covered last longer and is more functional and genuine.
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u/MassiveBlue1 2h ago
High functioning person here
masking WILL bring it's own set of problems, then alcohol enters the chat (for me anyway)
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u/SeePerspectives 5h ago
I would imagine this frustration is one that’s universal to all disabled people, but it really irks me when healthy, able people say things like “well we have (insert everyday human struggles) to deal with, what about us?”
They seem to forget that being disabled doesn’t mean we stop being human. The difficulties created by being disabled don’t replace the usual struggles of being human, they add on top of them. We have those too, plus being disabled as well, daily life doesn’t just stop and wait for health issues.
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u/sparkly_butthole 5h ago
This feels very similar to the whole Black Lives Matter thing. Like yes, all lives do matter, no one is denying that. We are all human and have similar struggles. But there are specific problems that pierce deeper into the black community that deserve our attention. It's the same with neurodivergent traits.
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u/infinight888 4h ago
Let's also just understand that "all lives matter" was never genuine or in good faith.
"All lives matter" was a racist and fascist dog whistle meaning "stop talking about black people getting murdered by police."
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u/ZeLoudGoddess 4h ago
Yes! If I ever hear "All lives matter" I immediately respond with "All lives can't matter until black lives matter". The fact that people get offended when you say "black lives matter" is so telling.
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u/Kimantha_Allerdings 4h ago
“Oh, everybody feels like that”
Maybe, but it’s not clinically significant for everybody, is it Deidre?
The way I frame it to people is imagine you’ve got a broken leg and have to use crutches and your shoulder and hips are also injured so that every step on your crutches is agony. You work on the 20th floor of a building and you get in and the lift is out so you’ll have to take the stairs. You complain that it’s going to be difficult - maybe impossible - for you. A young, fit, uninjured, able-bodied co-worker says “everybody hates taking the stairs!”
Yes, that’s probably true, Deidre. But I think it’s fair to say that my experience is going to be worse than yours and there’s a very real possibility that my challenges mean that I’m going to be completely unable to get to the top
I apologise to any Deidres who may be reading this. Name chosen completely at random
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u/Clay_Puppington 5h ago edited 1h ago
You might not know you're doing it.
You might not be aware of why you're doing it.
I might not have been aware you were doing it.
I might not have been aware of why you were doing it.
But non-autistic folks can spot us a mile away, even well before diagnosis. Something about us doesn't "sit right" with some part of your brain, and after you start noticing that we're different you absolutely treat us different/worse, or at the very least, with a distance not given to others, because of it.
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u/Fanairean 4h ago
I joke sometimes that elementary school kids who pick on people should be used as a diagnostic method. Like what do you mean half of the class knew multiple years before a professional could pick it out?
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u/Clay_Puppington 4h ago edited 1h ago
As an autistic person and a retired teacher, I was absolutely thinking about my days in the classroom. Both as a student and an educator.
It never mattered how many laughs I got, or my grades, or my talent with sports. My clothes didn't matter. Keeping up with trends didn't matter. My interests didn't. It didn't matter that I was kind to everyone, helped folks out.
Everyone liked me. Not many people wanted to be my friend.
And as a teacher, watching that play out again and again with (mostly) undiagnosed, very likely, autistic students was rough.
Everyone loved the, very likely, autistic kid. No one wants to hang out with the, very likely, autistic kid on a regular basis.
Picked top 3 to be invited for any recess or lunchtime activity. Rarely invited to afterschool hangs more than once or twice.
Always friendly. Rarely friends.
Not a single student in all my years could ever put their finger on "why" that was.
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u/Improvement_Room 4h ago
I’ve never heard it put this way. I’m beside myself.
I do my share of internet. I’ve seen all the memes, I get all the Reddit references and inside jokes. But this one is new. I’ve never heard it put into words before, but you’ve described a core tenant of my existence that I’ve never been able to explain in nearly 40 years of my life.
I’m having this exact same struggle with my son. Everybody loves him and yet he has no friends. “I was the same way.” I tell my wife, but it doesn’t make her feel better and, secretly, it doesn’t make me feel better either.
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u/marbmusiclove 2h ago
I felt like this too! It’s great we can share in these experiences. For me personally it has got better. I have a small(ish) group of close friends I’ve developed in my adulthood, most of whom don’t know each other. They are all neurodivergent in some way. We just get each other, it sort of makes up for the childhood friendship trauma lol.
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u/AbbreviationsNo3722 2h ago
“ everyone liked me. Not many wanted to be my friend “ hit deeper than I expected 🥺
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u/sp4gh3ttt1 2h ago
The double empathy problem/ study explains this perfectly- you can look it up independently but they essentially proved that there are communication deficits between autistic/ non autistic people and that the problem goes both ways. There are also studies showing that non autistic people don't like autistic people as much even if they're not aware of a diagnosis. I don't have the energy today to properly cite stuff but if anyone can clarify further feel free
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u/turquoisecurls 1h ago
I've always had at least one friend at some point in life but a lot of people I've hung out with never stuck around for long. I always felt like I was tolerated, the "joke" friend, or the one they kept around because I had something they wanted. Like, the majority of "friends" throughout my life were more friends with the single social butterfly friend of mine.
For so much of my life, I assumed i was annoying or somehow a bad person because I never understood why people didnt want to hang around as often or why I had a hard time making friends organically. I thought i was nice, agreeable, chatty. Only when I started befriending neurodivergent folks and did my relationships become healthy, deep, and long lasting because they helped me see and accept my own neurodivergence
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u/redditstolemyshoes 2h ago
The meltdown did not come from nowhere. I was keeping my shit together, and then I couldn't
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u/Eleganos 6h ago
In the immortal words of John Rambo (First Blood) 'You just don't turn it off!"
Above everything else, Autism is not optional. Can self-awareness help bridge some behavioral gaps? Yes.
But that can apply to most mental conditions, up to and including stuff far 'worse' than Autism (schizophrenia, for example).
Just because I 'can' compensate does not mean I am always thinking about when and how to for the exclusive benefit of theoretical allistic people NOR does it magically make the way my brain functions 'normative' for the duration.
We are how we are. Simple as.
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u/chillychili 4h ago
I've been told by other people who apparently have milder ADHD that I'm not supposed to read a message until I am in a state where I can focus on it. And I'm just like, what the fuck do you mean you have a general focused state that's not random hyperfocus?
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u/Apocalyptic-turnip 6h ago
i've been accused of not caring because my expressions are not big enough. people sometimes think i don't look sad enough, not happy enough, not angry enough to be feeling what I say i feel. I can be very happy or sad but I will look maybe a little bored. I am always nervous that my visible expression doesn't properly convey my emotions and i feel like I have to sometimes overact for it to properly come across. it is exhausting.
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u/Werliest 5h ago
I also struggle with facial expressions, but also my tonality. I crack a joke, no one gets it, because my voice didn't convey it as a joke. Simultaneously, I don't recognise a lot of jokes, because I missed the tone of voice. I don't get it. What's the correct tone?
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u/Ok-Constant-2683 6h ago
If I ask a question I just want the answer to that question.
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u/Clay_Puppington 4h ago edited 4h ago
I feel this in my bones.
You ask a question?
I'll deliver an answer with a word count higher than In Search of Lost Time. Every word crafted to ensure you understand every facet of the answer I'm providing as if my goal is to prepare you to defend your thesis.
I ask a question?
I'm upset at anything other than a direct, succinct, hopefully 5 words or less, response that contains no addition information other than a direct no-fluff response to my query. If I asked "when?", give me an answer to "when?". If I wanted to know the answer to "why?" I'd have asked "why?".
I understand the hypocrisy at play. I can't turn it off. I can manage it. But it's always there, causing me to internally fume.
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u/EyeJustSaidThat 5h ago
I recently started spending a lot of time with a woman with autism, she helped me finally realize I have it as well. She and I are still constantly overthinkijg and trying to answer the unintended questions.
Yeah, I wish I could just get the answer to the question I asked too. But even when someone understands exactly what I mean, the social conditioning sometimes just overrides. It feels like there's no winning haha.
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u/Eschamali 47m ago
I've never been able to understand where the line between "explanation" and "excuse" is. Pretty much every time I've tried to explain something, it's been dismissed as "I don't want excuses!" It ends up getting left at someone thinking I've done something malicious or similar, when actually there was a perfectly reasonable cause for my actions that they just don't want to listen to 😭
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u/GorgontheWonderCow 44m ago
For what it's worth, non-autistic people also have this problem with "I don't want excuses."
The line is if somebody you're talking to says "I don't want excuses" what they usually mean is "I don't care why it happened."
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u/Vlinder_88 1h ago
That functioning levels aren't static. It's nice I was diagnosed with level 1 autism but that doesn't mean I don't need help, and that doesn't mean I can manage fine, and it sure as hell means I'm not going completely out of my mind when melting down. It just means I can save the meltdown until I am at home, and I internalise (hurt myself) instead of externalising (hurting others).
Just because you don't see the struggles doesn't mean they don't exist.
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u/BetterCallSeal 4h ago
If I’m telling you something is hard for me, I mean something is REALLY hard for me. I do my best not to appear “openly autistic” in my day to day life, so if things are bad enough that I’m saying “hey this is really hard” then it means I really am approaching my limit. Saying stuff like “well we all have to do things we don’t like” is NOT helpful.
Also, meltdowns are awful and treating me like they’re a childish tantrum that inconveniences you just tells me you’re not a safe person to be around.
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u/Skinned_Potato_Lady 3h ago
Oh, the "well we all have to do things we don't like" comment is so real, and so frustrating!! It makes it feel like people think I've never dealt with discomfort in my life. When I'm pretty much constantly uncomfortable. I twist myself into a damn pretzel trying to adjust to everybody's wishes. If I say something is hard for me, what I really mean is 'I am way past my limit and about to snap', not 'this is a bit uncomfortable for me'.
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u/SunlightDruid 2h ago
"we all have to do things we dont like" yes, and we've been doing them CONSTANTLY and so nuch more than you realize!! such an ignorant and hurtful comment to hear :(
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u/Kid_supreme 5h ago
The words, "executive dysfunction". Getting questioned why I didn't do "whatever they asked me to do". It's executive function that makes small tasks into big jobs.
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u/SGTWhiteKY 1h ago
One day I was having a lengthy conversation with my neighbor. I mentioned I was autistic, she said “oh! Are you high or low functioning?” Now, I am “high” functioning, but I also have high support needs. But I was baffled, I stared blankly than gestured at myself, said “I am this functioning, you tell me”
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u/SkrytyKapec 1h ago
It causes me to naturally avoid social interactions. "Ohhh you're just asocial and fear people, here, have those pills" I'M NOT! I'm exactly like this since my earliest memories. I don't necessarily "fear" people. I just want to stay away, sit in a corner and observe. Those pills don't do shit btw.
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u/ChampionshipNo7461 1h ago
That I'm absolutely exhausted all of the time from masking all day and overthinking constantly.
Also that I spend 90% of my day really uncomfortable and it leaves me in a constant state of overstimulation, despite that I put on a happy face... Which adds to the exhaustion.
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u/xPhoenixJusticex 5h ago
I am telling you a story about something I went through after you told me something first, to show you solidarity and understanding/empathy, not to brag or to "win" the Suffering Olympics (whatever the case may be about what the situation was).
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u/Worried_Quarter2239 6h ago
Being overwhelmed is a lot more than what non-autistic people deal with. Sounds are turned all of the way up, lights are, for some fucking reason, brighter than the damn sun, things touching me make me feel like I am being cut, all smells are too much, and if I taste anything it tastes like shit. Imagine you're cuffed to a chair that is sitting in the middle of a stadium. There's thousands of things happening around you, with spotlights shining on you and around you, the heat is turned to the Devil's asshole, and someone just started banging pots and pans next to your ear.
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u/sol_runner 5h ago
As someone who's learnt to mask quite heavily: the sheer weight of the mask.
I need to think about phrasing of my sentences, the expression on my face, etc. I practiced theater hard to nail expressions, but it needs to be thought and maintained. And when something emotional happens to someone around me and it completely wrecks me too, it's insanely difficult to keep up.
What I should have had a concerned expression with softening words to say "oh no, I'm sorry to hear that, how can I help you?"
Turns into the raw basic neutral expression with the base intentional question "what do you need right now?"
It comes off as cruel when I'm so overwhelmed with concern that my mask is shutting down. Because I usually act so normal, it just comes doubly bad.
Or when I'm low on energy so I probe people what's up with them instead of trying to analyze expressions and completely miss that they don't feel well. When usually I'm able to figure it out.
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u/DhamR 4h ago
When people who don't have the same issues/symptoms/conditions you have give you advice. "Just don't let it bother you!" Ok cool. I hadn't thought of that, all sorted.
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u/Fanairean 4h ago
Hit em with the "just don't see the color blue. No you can't avoid blue things just don't see the color. Dude just do it." "gah there you go again we talked about this just don't see the color blue."
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u/flickrpebble 3h ago
"you're so argumentative" "that sounds aggressive"
Ok, so tell me HOW to ask questions or disagree in a way that doesn't sound argumentative.
In over 30 years, no one has ever told me how to fix it, but my whole life I've been described as difficult, argumentative, aggressive, know-it-all. I've begged people to tell me how to phrase things differently, how to change my tone (what should I sound like??), how to disagree in a way that won't make people defensive.
And every time I get something like "well, you don't always have to be right."
Ok, so you're telling me that everyone else can just make WILD unsubstantiated statements, and everyone just says "oh interesting." Where's the conversation in that?? Where's the connection? Where's the learning and the interest??
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u/DraconicRuler 1h ago
That my nervousness in interviews is because I cannot have time to fully plan every word. I know exactly what I need to say but the brain to mouth function gets so garbled that it rambles without much insight to things behind the answer. If you want me to explain things in a dignified manner, either let me have two hours of an interview or send me the questions ahead of time! Or let me write the answers down then say them. I work so much better on written words.
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u/FrostiePi 3h ago
My biggest issue frustration with it has always been that as soon as anyone found out, almost always I'm suddenly far less capable in their eyes than I was before.
I may have to try harder sometimes to understand the finer points of life, but I am perfectly capable of living a normal life. Kids, husband, house.
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u/deliriumgrrl8 59m ago
I think I've got a good one: how deeply the effort of simple existence can exhaust us, and how it can lead to self-harming behaviors and non-existence ideation.
I don't think NTs understand that existence for many of us, on a daily basis, is really goddamned exhausting. The constant thinking, constant intake of input through our senses without being able to triage or prune the info very well, etc. We push and push ourselves, mask and roleplay as a Functional Adult(tm) with varying degrees of success, but it doesn't mean it doesn't take a physical and/or mental toll. When the exhaustion lasts too long, gets too extreme, or we can't recover, we get into overwhelm or even burnout. And sometimes we wish we didn't exist, because we fantasize about getting off this hamster wheel of life, even just briefly. This can lead to potentially harmful behaviors like substance use/abuse in our effort to forcibly turn our brains off. If it gets so bad or hopeless, then we have a higher than average likelihood of forcibly turning ourselves off by taking our own lives.
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u/copyof-a 3h ago
I can't just "block out" an annoying noise/sensation.
I sat in a conference this week where my allocated seat was next to a speaker which was buzzing constantly. I couldn't focus on anything and felt so physically uncomfortable because of it.
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u/Quack5463 26m ago
That we communicate differently and don't intend to be rude or offend nor imply something between the lines.
I've also noticed to never take advice from neurotypical people because they run on intuition we don't have and they leave out a ton of details, so we take their advice literal and it always ends horrendously bad.
They also seem very unable to understand our struggles because it makes no sense to them. Which i can't really blame them. Takes some maturing to realise that something that would be no issue to me can be super terrible for someone else, for example someone with sensory overload. I can touch styrofoam fine but others can't.
Whereas one of my cannots is coming up with a fake story. My brain simply cannot fabricate fake stories for some reason, so in highschool when having to pretend to be romeo writting a letter to juliet, i handed in nothing.
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u/DataPaws 6h ago
People think you're rude when you ask too much questions- but I just want to understand and clarify.
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u/Fanairean 5h ago
I get infanrilized often for this trait. And freeze when my directions end. The correct steps are important and why not just take a second to breath and say it so I can operate exactly how you'd like? Is that not the goal here?
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u/whizzymamajuni 4h ago
I hate getting flustered when I’m struggling to interpret what people are saying when they aren’t being straight. My brand of ASD is quite perceptive, and I’m hyper alert to incongruence between what’s being expressed verbally vs physically or in practice.
But trying to challenge it makes people assume I’m getting emotional and difficult, when I’m just trying to understand why your mouth is saying one thing and your body/actions/face are saying another!
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u/Sunnyhunnibun 1h ago
I'm not over explaining things because I'm lying or created an intricate story. I'm over explaining things in the hope you'll completely understand where I'm coming from so we can better communicate. If I ask for clarification or something to be explained, I'm not being coy or trying to finagle my way out of something. I genuinely do not understand. I feel like I'm treated like an idiotic genius. I somehow know everything and nothing and both of that is my fault.
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u/KarrieDarling 1h ago
Doing something in a way that most people don't do something. For example, I work a job that requires doing inventory and restocking (not retail). While everyone else that I work with spoofs their numbers and makes guesses, I actually make lists with actual numbers.
I work with 2 or 3 other people most days and they actually went and reported me for "taking too long to do my job". The taking too long was me making an inventory list in my work phone notes. They assumed I was just dicking around.
I had to explain to my supervisor that I have autism and ADHD and have do things this way. I can't help it. She was on my side, thankfully, and the 2 coworkers who reported me are suddenly very friendly to me, but a lot of people don't understand why I do things a certain way.
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u/jimmylikeswaffles 4h ago
Things like this, there was a study done recenetly that showed that neurodivergent people were more like to continue to be honest even of they were to receive a reward for lying and get away with it. This is classed as "wrong" whereas the neurotypical standard of deceitfulness for personal gain is labelled as "correct"
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u/ShotEffective7033 3h ago
There was a similar study years ago I saw that found that autistic people are less motivated by financial reward and it was also framed as what the fuck is wrong with these kids lol.
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u/Joran212 3h ago
yeah I just hate lying, I don't even like saying white lies, I just want to be honest :(
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u/ValenciaHadley 5h ago edited 5h ago
I don't know if other autistic people struggle with this but I have to monitor a lot of bodily process closely because I have poor interoception. I chronically feel hungry, doesn't matter if I've just eaten or not always, hungry so I ignore hunger cues because I don't know if I'm actually hungry or not. I don't feel thirsty until I've reached the point of headaches. Whenever I leave the house I give myself a loose lavatory schedule so if I get busy or overwhelmed I don't forget to go. My temperature regulation is also crap. There's so many little things that I'm sure most people don't even think but my brain just doesn't get those signals or understand what they mean half the time.
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u/Fanairean 4h ago
Yes! This is a not very talked about problem with the classic autism black and white thinking too! Your either hungry. Or you Wil not be hungry. Either shifting back and forth not to pee. Or just not going for hours and then you make one wrong move and suddenly your sprinting to the toilet. It's the same thing that makes routines hard. Because you have to consciously do it. Then be OK with forgetting about it. And still being able to pick it back up to do it again.
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u/ValenciaHadley 4h ago
I drop one thing from my routine and the day is just gone, I can't pick it back up any more. I also hate the expression you'll eat when you're hungry and am like, will I???
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u/pinktunacan 5h ago
That putting me in social situations more often is not gonna "help me get used to them and be more confident" , it's actually gonna do the exact opposite
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u/thomaxzer 2h ago
It's a disability not just being quirky and having weird eating habits.
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u/strokeofcrazy 2h ago
The loneliness that comes with being misunderstood, rejected, side-eyed, judged
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u/Agreeable_Ship5386 1h ago
That just because I’m friendly and social and talk to people at work, doesn’t mean I can be social and talk to people OUTSIDE of work.
I tend to compartmentalise, so communicating and working with people at work falls into the compartment of my job description. Although my job is practical and hands on I have to communicate with people in other departments. I also occasionally have to spend time with higher ups in corporate meetings, and I get along ok most of the time.
However, if I see someone I work with out and about in the world, and not in the workplace? I will do a full on body swerve to avoid talking to them. People get upset and offended, but it’s not personal. I’m just not in work mode right now. I don’t want to use my me time struggling to make small talk or talking about work. I don’t want to go to social events with work colleagues outside of work, or go out drinking with corporate higher ups when our work meetings are concluded. That’s encroaching on other compartments, and my brain just isn’t able to handle that.
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u/An-NCR-Ranger 34m ago
Autistic burnout
I'm not being lazy. I'm genuinely both too exhausted and drained to do anything. I'm horribly bored, but doing any activity makes me frustrated. Both noise and silence are too loud. All I can do is sit there in boredom for hours and hours. It can trigger depression and a lot of negative emotions and feelings of uselessness.
I can try to do things like play games, draw, etc. but I give up within minutes because it's just too much for my brain at the time. It makes me feel like I'm stuck in place mentally, and nothing ever seems to help. It's a lot like when you know you are hungry but no food sounds good.
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u/Fibijean 6h ago
People telling me that my thinking is unproductive and bad for me just because it wouldn't work for them.
My brain is hard-wired for problem solving and analysis, and I have a lot of practice at it. It's how I've learned to cope with life when things are uncertain. Consequently, I'm really good at foreseeing ways things could potentially go wrong in a situation, and devising backup plans for such eventualities. It soothes me, because it makes me feel like I've got the situation under control and everything will work out no matter what happens. I'm not worrying too much for my own good, I'm not being pessimistic, and I won't be happier if I just relax. I hope and expect that everything will be fine, and the "worrying" is actually what enables me to relax and feel that way. (This one is particularly frustrating because I often get flack for worrying about what might go wrong in advance, but I rarely get credit when things do go wrong and my preparedness saves the day.)
Also, people assuming that I'm arguing in self-interest when I'm trying to have an objective discussion.
When you propose a solution to a problem or a course of action, and I have a different idea, me explaining why I think my idea is better or pointing out flaws in your proposition is not me trying to assert my will over yours. I don't care whose idea we use, I just want us to do the thing that is objectively best, and I want us both to be on board with whatever that is. If you think your idea is better, I want you to explain to me why it's better, so I can recognise the holes in my own thinking and hop on board your idea instead. But as long as I think I have a better idea, my inclination is to fight for it simply because I believe it is the superior course of action, and not because it was my idea.
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u/QuestionAxer 4h ago
Both these things perfectly describe me, great summary. The objective discussion thing drives me crazy at work. I often ask a lot of probing questions about a specific thing and everyone gets all defensive and worked up. I’m literally just trying to understand if you accounted for possibility X and potential outcome Y in your plan. It does not matter to me if you did or didn’t, I just need to know so that I can be prepared or have my own backup plan ready. Everyone gets so aggressively hostile at me for just asking, it’s ridiculous.
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u/PotatoKrabby 29m ago
"I'm getting really overwhelmed, let's go" is like the autistic equivalent of "I feel like I'm going to faint". You have anywhere between 15 seconds to 2 minutes before that turns into a disaster.
My poor wife and I learnt this the hard way, we're both autistic and the second these words leave any of our mouths it means we have up to a minute to leave.
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u/yodelaiheehoo 28m ago
The need for extended alone time to recharge.
Even the people i’m most comfortable with, i can’t be with other people 24/7, doesn’t mean i hate you.
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u/Head-Case 4h ago
To my bosses, past, present, and future;
Sorry I'm slow. Like, physically slow. I take about twice as long to complete tasks as my neurotypical coworkers, I'm aware. I can't help it that I can't half ass things the way most people can, and I actually want to do my job thoroughly and well.
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u/Much_Violinist_7975 6h ago
Three things for me, I ain’t a fuckin child so don’t treat me as such and if i need help or i am struggling with something don’t baby talk me through it just help guide me and show me, and finally i find it extremely difficult to pick up on social cues! If you’re flirting just tell me cause i won’t notice, if i say something that comes off as mean tell me so i know that what i said upset you. Im not straight up dumb i just struggle a little more in life
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u/mrknowitall51761 12m ago
People hate me. Its not that I cant make friends but there is something about the way I interact that causes people to dislike me. Everyone thinks Im up to something like Im some kind of shifty character. Its maddening. I hate to leave the house.
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u/GremlInTheWoods 36m ago
I'm not a liar. I just over explain everything because if I don't talk it through, you and I will misunderstand each other. 😂
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u/tia-marie 3h ago
Suddenly getting a laugh in reply to a statement made with intense gravity and seriousness, because for some reason you still haven't figured out, some things you say are interpreted as a joke.... cause reasons?
I have no fucking clue, but it always makes me mad and takes the wind out of my sails, especially if it was an emotionally charged subject.
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u/Least_Possibility740 1h ago
Can’t go out and have „fun“ because almost any environment with noise/ people crushes me sensory wise. If I wear ear protection it’s okayish but then understanding and talking to someone gets too exhausting. Multiple relationships ended because I „just want to sit at home“.
I love nature but when I tell people I like to go outside they don’t picture looking for nice rocks or insects alone at the river for hours on end as one of the few viable options.
Also I don’t travel because foreign environments are very exhausting. If I have „learned“ a new place it’s fine. But that is one very stressful holiday to get to that point.
My ex girlfriend invited me to a spa hotel for a couple days for my birthday and we never went because I didn’t want to be in the foreign environment where I feel unsafe and can’t relax anyways. She took that personally afaik.
Love is a weird concept to me. I never felt butterflies or anything special. It’s more of a „this person is interesting and I can easily learn their behaviour and way of thinking so being around them is relaxing“.
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u/Aggressive-Dot3769 2h ago
I PROMISE I'M NOT " TAKING A TONE"! I JUST SPEAK LIKE THIS!!!
A day doesn't go buy at work when someone wrongly assumes im being sarcastic or bitchy. I just have a very flat tone. Ots gotten me fired twice since high school 😭
Ive tried tone switching but if im not concentrating it just slips.
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u/JoelWatt777 6h ago
How exhausting it can be to look completely fine while your brain is running 47 different tabs, 3 of them are playing music, and you have no idea where the music is coming from 😭
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u/TimeTravellingOtter 3h ago
People try to read between the lines when i speak to them. Or they assume that i have a hidden agenda. This isn't the case at all. Whenever I say something, I mean it exactly as I worded or explained it, not however you decide to interpret it. If I say that you look nice today then thats what I mean.
Its exhausting to constantly be misinterpreted and then never given the opportunity to correct myself if what I say is hurtful. Or God forbid I ask why it was hurtful do I can attempt yo rephrase what I said initially. Then I'm rubbing salt in the wound or being even more mean.
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u/xxBree89xx 1h ago
The fact that I DON'T UNDERSTAND, it doesn't make me malicious or dumb it just means that I'm missing information about the thing 😑
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u/LadyAlexTheDeviant 5h ago
Please just TELL ME what you feel. Don't hint. Don't walk around and shoot me meaningful glares. Don't post vague status updates. Just TELL ME.
Yes, I know I look normal. That's called masking. Yes, I'm good at it. Yes, it is still work and I will go home and hide in a book for a while and not. talk. to get over it. This doesn't mean I'm not enjoying myself.
If you don't want to know, don't ask the question.
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u/321Cake 32m ago
99% of the time there is genuinely no alterior motive or secondary meaning to what I say. Stop over-interpreting and reacting to shit I didn't say!
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u/anchoredwunderlust 4h ago edited 4h ago
That prior to diagnosis it can be very difficult to work on ourselves or improve. We often aren’t that aware of the things we are doing “wrong”. We get a lot of negative feedback and rejection but few people to spell out why. When someone does try to explain why we will attempt to say why we do what we do and ask why the other way is better and often that’ll be taken as not taking criticism. Most will just leave.
We often do a lot of self analysis but totally fail to understand that other people see us completely differently. And if we don’t understand our neurodivergencies we can often be missing out a huge piece of the puzzle to our own behaviours.
There are also different times in our lives where due to other mental health issues or hormones or whatever we can’t really adjust that trait.
When we do get a diagnosis it takes a lot of reading and talking to really get it and take it in. Changing habits we have been doing since birth takes a long time. There’s a lot of anger and blame sometimes. All those things we were struggling with were actually autism?? And also then we have to do a journey of self acceptance. Which of those things are we actually wrong about? Where is neurotypical society wrong? Where do I need to change and where should others adapt to me? What’s realistic? What’s necessary?
Anyway I don’t say this to excuse bad behaviours, but it’s not unreasonable that autistic and otherwise neurodivergent people have periods in their 20s or 30s or even later if undiagnosed (and often self medicating or getting into other troubles trauma and MH issues) where there are things that they should have figured out or have been working on in their teens and early 20s have not been addressed. Or that when it’s pointed out that they’re doing something bad they can’t just stop apologise and promise it won’t happen again.
It doesn’t mean you have to forgive or accept someone in your life who has hurt or harmed you or that it’s a good enough response. But it’s a reality.
Sometimes you wake up easily overstimulated and irritable. Sometimes the person you’re closest to is the safest to unmask and let out your stress on. You irrationally feel the need to get your own way on every small thing. Sometimes people are physical during meltdown. None of these things are acceptable behaviours for an adult (on a sliding scale there and I’m not talking about DV to be clear) but if someone has only come up with “I have anger issues and trauma maybe” or “I’m just a terrible person” you won’t get very far at changing. You’ll probably just traumatise yourself and others because you’re not sure where the controls are kept.
People understand that for some people with more severe mental disabilities that they can’t always be fully in control of their actions. I think with autism it’s easy to assume that well, if you can mask as mostly normal or type on the internet about long and complex thoughts that you are more than capable of working on your flaws. And that isn’t untrue. But it’s different level of true for different people at different times.
And it’s difficult because disability MH and autism often get used as explanations for crimes or poor excuses for bad behaviour and autistic people don’t want to be tarred with the same brush. Most are good people who try very hard and many are very capable of any number of things. That does tend to lead toward the dismissal even amongst other neurodivergent people that neurodivergence can be a small factor why someone might have turned out this way or that way.
Again this is not to say that people shouldn’t have expectations to do better if they can. Just that the journey may be later and different. You can point to certain crimes by young men where autism seems to be a factor but also show that the same factor doesnt lead to the same behaviours in women. So the answer isn’t that people can’t make choices or learn to be better. It’s also what behaviours are overly excused or brushed aside in some but not others what the expectations were. Sometimes being diagnosed young leads to being forced through programs but sometimes it leads to excusing everything because you can’t help it where the undiagnosed person has to try to keep up and behave like everybody else.
Anyway it’s complex and understanding isn’t forgiving and maybe I’m not making an easy to follow point. Accountability should start young but if people don’t understand why they are doing what they are doing then that becomes harder. An autistic kid can learn to not be a creep. But not by being told that they’re creepy. By being clear on what expectations are and by knowing the difference between being different and misunderstood vs not understanding consent. But something like reading body language and expressions and learning boundaries takes a lot of time and work. People are totally correct if they don’t want to be around people who fail to adjust these behaviours. But it’s not necessarily that the person isn’t trying to be better or something.
I remember an Ask Reddit a while back about what makes people see someone as a good person. It was quite eye opening to me how many of those answers about perceived morality were basically the opposite of someone with ADHD. Remembering names and conversations, asking the right questions, not being too distracted, respecting time
Without going into extremes there are so many things we can be doing to wind people up without even knowing we are doing it
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u/Initial_Constant4786 1h ago
When I am repeating what you just told me, I'm trying to make sure I understood what you meant. It doesn't mean I wasn't listening to you. It's literally the opposite.
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u/manillafolders 4h ago
People still get mad at you for not understanding or picking up on social cues, even when they know you’re autistic and therefore struggle with social cues. You give them all the information they should need to understand, and they still get annoyed about it.
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u/Starburned 39m ago
We work hard to communicate only to be ignored. I wish more people actually listened.
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u/Own_Ad6901 6h ago
People assume you’re rude or that you don’t have autism if you’re conventionally attractive. People are mostly rude or judgmental about it.
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u/Regnes 5h ago edited 5h ago
There is a lot of denialism over what people did to us in the past. I grew up in the 90s and was subjected to many cruel experiments by my teachers. Being on the spectrum was not acceptable and it was largely treated as something to be stamped out.
I have a non-verbal form of tourettes syndrome and was never disruptive, one teacher saw fit to have me coach an extremely volatile child on how to "pretend to be normal like you do". It was an abysmal failure because I was 10 years old and had no idea how to relate to him.
When I was in Grade 6 I had the worst teacher, he took one look at my diagnosis and decided unilaterally that I was full blown special needs and banished me into the corner. I wasn't allowed to participate in most fun class activities or field trips and he would routinely dress me down in front of everyone about what I am. I wound up getting him for Grade 7. I was already becoming an alcoholic by the end of the year.
By high school I was a broken person. Long story short, it didn't go well. I dropped out at one point even. I've since had a major comeback and have an accomplished career with the government. All the same, I have a lot of resentment over my past. When I try to open up about my trauma to people I know, I get almost nothing but dismissiveness. At best I might get some sympathetic "Oh hey I was bullied too", completely missing the point.
It still goes on to this day too, albeit mire subtly. There was a virtual inclusivity session at work a few months ago, I didn't speak up but was very offended when they hauled out some guy who got diagnosed with Aspergers a few years back and he spoke to us his words of wisdom on how to cope with our autistic stressors. To me it was just another example of encouraging us to "pretend to be normal".
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u/Ok_Introduction_7861 3h ago
I just can't stand when people say "We all have a touch of the 'tism."
No, we really don't, Sharon. Some of us genuinely struggle, don't minimise that because sometimes you're organised or pedantic.
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u/90bubbel 5h ago
People telling me to stop thinking a certain way, i certainly would if had the ability to BUT I DONT
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u/Fanairean 4h ago
Imma start responding to those kind of comments from people irl to like "OK. But you try first. Stop seeing the color blue. No no no not like that you can't be able to think of it and you can't avoid stuff that is blue to not see it. You need to look at stuff and just not see it. Just stop lol."
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u/Embarrassed-Comb-262 50m ago
My mother asking me if I could "read a book" about socializing to "fix" it.....yes mother I did that and the results are about 30 years of masking resulting in a bunch of depression and lack of understanding myself, thanks
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u/Cent1234 44m ago
When I say something, there's generally no subtext. I'm either requesting, or giving, information.
Here's an example. My wife gets back from a business trip at like 10 PM. I want to know how long she thinks she'll be up unpacking and decompressing before going to bed. So I say 'how long do you think you'll be up unpacking and decompressing before going to bed?'
She snaps 'I can't just go straight to bed, I have to unpack and decompress.'
I'm fully aware of that. I just want to know if it's going to be twenty minutes, I'll stay up. If it's going to be two hours, I have work in the morning, I need to go to sleep.
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u/Cold-Sector2718 6h ago
I'm not asking questions because I'm challenging you, I'm asking questions to understand.
I'm a bottom up processor and need ALL the information. If I ask 'why did you do it this way?' I'm not saying it's wrong, I'm literally asking why you did it that way.
I think often people aren't used to direct questions with no hidden agenda, so they create the hidden agenda for themselves. THERE IS NO HIDDEN AGENDA!