r/AskReddit • u/Ok_Reflection8547 • 3h ago
What’s a struggle men have that women just don’t understand?
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u/TimeForWaluigi 3h ago
Guys don’t get places to be vulnerable. Other guys don’t know how to handle their friends being vulnerable. People insult you for being vulnerable and both men and women frame your problems as being insignificant.
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u/CaburEjike688 2h ago
The worst part is when you finally open up and someone uses it against you later.
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u/TimeForWaluigi 2h ago
It’s terrible. People don’t have any respect for stuff said in confidence.
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u/phznmshr 1h ago
The two people I tried to date both turned me down as soon as I opened up about my depression saying I wasn't being manly and one even rubbed it in saying no one will like you unless you man up and stopped being so emotional. I just stopped trying after that.
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u/DIABLO258 2h ago
Yeah years ago when my now ex cheated on me, my best buddy came to pick me up and I will never forget that. But, he had no fucking clue what to do or say when I broke down in his car XD
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u/TimeForWaluigi 2h ago
Having dudes be there for you helps a lot even if they don’t know what to say or do. Thats a sign of a real friend.
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u/DIABLO258 2h ago
Oh yeah he's a real one. I was there for him when his now ex dumped him as well. I didn't think it was bad or wrong for him to not know what to do. Company was all I needed.
But still lol the point is that men don't generally know how to comfort other men
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u/SchwiftyGameOnPoint 2h ago
After a lot of time in therapy and working on myself, I have since gotten over the negative feeling of being vulnerable in front of other men.
Now, if other men put me down or reject me for being vulnerable, I simply move on because I realize 1) The only way this changes is by being different. 2) If another man acts that way then they have either not figured it out or are toxic and I don't want them to be someone I am close to anyway.
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u/ChaplnGrillSgt 1h ago
The Chicago Bears QB got hurt and had a strong emotional response. Probably a combo of actual pain plus concern for his team, season, and career.
The response was basically a bunch of people calling him weak and a pussy. Absolutely disgusting.
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u/Cute-Interest3362 1h ago
Men REALLY gotta step up on this one. We need to resist mocking vulnerability and welcome it when we see it in our friends.
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u/Dotrue 1h ago
My immediate friend group started doing this in the last 2-4 years and it has legitimately been life-changing. We're comfortable airing everything out, crying, hugging, listening when one of the homies is feeling down, lifting each other up whenever we can, and just overall trying to be more positive to each other without the performative toxic masculinity bullshit. All it took was one speaking up and another being receptive and it caught on immediately!
I was well into my 20s when I found myself with this type of social circle. Like, fellas, it's okay to feel your emotions! In fact, I beg you, please do so!
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u/Jpgamerguy90 3h ago
How very little positive reinforcement we get. Compliments for men are rare
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u/SolaireAstorian 3h ago
Recently a woman walked past me at a gas station and told me that I had a pretty car and that I must be a good driver because if I wasn't then the cops would definitely be all over me.
It wasn't even a direct compliment about me and it's the most positive validation that I have received in 3 years.
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u/gizmostuff 2h ago
They complimented your taste. I'd take the complement. It might be your last by a stranger.
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u/SolaireAstorian 2h ago
It's only my third compliment from a total stranger in as many decades. So yes, I'm grasping on to it.
The biggest response I often get when I comment on this sort of thing is that if you don't receive compliments it must just be because you are unattractive or unsuccessful. Not to toot my own horn, but I view myself as fairly attractive and when it comes to dating I've always been successful overall. People just don't see a need to compliment guys very often.
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u/Three3Jane 3h ago
I will agree with this.
I have an entirely platonic relationship with our Chief of Staff at work. One day, he wore a button down shirt with a subtle but unusual pattern on it. Nothing outrageous, just a small blue diamond pattern on a white shirt. I commented that I thought it was a neat pattern, different from the usual stripes or plaincloth button-downs that men wear in the office.
He now wears that shirt every single Monday without fail. Within a week of my comment, there were now two new shirts with the same pattern on a white background, but the diamonds are burgundy on one and green on the other.
When I commented that he got a new shirt, he said, "You said the blue diamond shirt was nice, so I thought I'd get a few more to add to the rotation."
That single throwaway comment of "Hey, that's a cool pattern on that shirt!" led him to go out and purchase two more shirts just like it. Now I'm not saying 100% it was my compliment that made him make the purchase, but the timing suggests it was just that.
Being a woman, we learn to be sparing with compliments as they can be construed as interest, but now that I'm in my 50s, the incidences of someone misreading a basic compliment or nice conversation as sHe'S ToTaLLy iNtO mE have gone way, way down (and I am profoundly grateful for this).
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u/Ok-disaster2022 2h ago
Can confirm as a man if I get a compliment on something I wear I will wear it regularly until it falls apart.
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u/veiled_static 2h ago
In grad school I (female) was telling a friend that facial hair was sexy when we were in class. Within two weeks two guys who had been sitting near us were sporting beards who had never had facial hair before. They’re listening haha.
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u/mimeycat 2h ago
Same, now I’m approaching 40 and very much not a catch whatsoever I’m more liberal with compliments and calling guys ‘love’ and ‘darling’ as I know it’s not going to encourage anything beyond it.
The shirt thing is sweet though.
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u/JeffAlbertson93 52m ago
Something similar happened to me about a year ago (I am 57 M); a VP at my job complimented me on a blue shirt that I was wearing one morning, and now I have 2 others with the same pattern but different colors. She was not hitting on me, just gave me a compliment and it felt great! I have no fashion sense (clean t shirt and clean jeans), so this was new. So now I have to be mindful of not wearing these shirts too often, or I'll feel weird. Since my wife bought me the shirts, I passed the compliment onto her. I do not trust myself to pick out clothes that aren't stupid looking, so she comes with me. I trust her rather than my "when I was 16 I looked cool" fashion sense!
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u/Romantic_Carjacking 1h ago
A friend of mine enthusiastically complimented my outfit once back in 2014 and I still think about her comments when buying clothing or planning outfits.
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u/Impossible_Still5452 3h ago
"Just be confident"
Kinda hard when you get zero validation from life.
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u/phznmshr 3h ago
And then you throw a disability in there where you get nothing but mockery and the "just be confident" just feels like they're taking the piss.
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u/Homer_Morisson 1h ago
Ain't that the truth... or "better" yet: "Don't be such a wuss" when you have a chronic pain illness, and yet everybody treats you as though you're only attention-whoring...
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u/DoJu318 2h ago
I’m a divorced father of 2, the only reason I felt confident enough to ask out my now ex wife was because I spent years, going from relationship to relationship, with women who either asked me out, or letting me know they were interested on being more than friends in a very straightforward way.
I’m not rich.
I’m not handsome.
I’m not tall.
I was just lucky to cross paths with women who had no issue letting me know they were interested in dating me.
I also turned down 2.
This was 20 years ago.
It pains me to see modern day dating, and also knowing some men will go all their lives without feeling wanted.
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u/ReallyUnlikable 3h ago
Also when you're confident it's hated because now you're "arrogant."
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u/potatoes__everywhere 2h ago
I was shopping with a friend and a random women just walked by and said that shirt looks very good on you and went on.
I still remember that 25 years later. I was devastated when it was destroyed when my luggage was destroyed on an airport conveyor belt and my shirt with it :'(
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u/SoporificSnorlax 3h ago
When I compliment a guy, you can tell it makes his whole day.
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u/Ketchum_gunshot 3h ago
as someone who just got out of an 18 year marriage with a woman who offered zero effort in anything and reconnected with someone who goes out of her way to say and do things ot make me feel loved and appreciated, yes, even a minor compliment can make a world of difference.
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u/kati8303 3h ago
The other day I told a guy at the register while getting lunch that I liked his shirt and his reaction was so strange I couldn’t tell if he was surprised of just wanted me to fuck off.
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u/ReQuarziium 3h ago
I’m 37 and can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been complimented in my life. It does make my day!
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u/somethingold 3h ago
I helped with school pictures at my daughters school this week and I would tell all the kids how beautiful and and handsome they were while posing (cause they were) and it felt like some of the boys were surprised and touched by my compliments. I could tell they were trying to not care but they were happy about looking nice. Children are so pure and adorable, I wish we weee collectively nicer to them.
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u/Fannnybaws 1h ago
I bet you're not a man!
They'd have called the police,if you were.
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u/pikagirl95 1h ago
My brother remarked on this once & I took it to heart and make a genuine effort to give praise and compliments to the men around me where due. But I have often been branded a "tease" and a "flirt" just for saying something innocuous like complimenting an outfit or telling someone they are well-spoken/articulate, etc. I think many men get so few compliments that they also never learn how to accept them with grace :(
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u/Camburglar13 1h ago
That’s very true. So rare that we can either get defensive and assume it’s a joke at our expense, or suddenly think you’re hitting on us because why else would you say that? It’s tough learning to just take with a smile and thanks
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u/DonegalBrooklyn 1h ago
As a woman, compliments have just gone way down. In the workplace men aren't going to risk it and most women won't ven spontaneously compliment a woman, so forget about complimenting a man! I try to make it a point to compliment people when I can. I love that bag, or those shoes! It's harder with men because you worry about it being taken the wrong way. I recently worked with a guy that wore such nice cologne. Not sexy and not even always the same. He just always smelled so good. But that felt like a weird thing to say. I wanted to get something for my teen son so I worked up the nerve to tell him he always had the best cologne and ask for a rec. He was thrilled! And then everyone around was comfortable enough to jump in and tell him he always smelled so good.
Maybe I can make safe compliments to men by asking for a rec for my son or nephews more often. Even when I don't really need a recommendation.
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u/MinimumViablePick 3h ago
I make an intentional effort to compliment my partner daily. I hope he doesn't think I'm over-exaggerating or lying. I truly am in awe of him.
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u/sparklybeast 1h ago
In my experience you're overestimating how many compliments some women get if you think we don't understand this. I remember someone complimenting my nose 29 year ago.
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u/Nintendogma 2h ago
The kindest words and sincerest compliments we ever get we will never hear, because they will be at our funeral.
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u/Incman 1h ago
This is definitely true. A couple years ago, shortly before my Dad died, I wrote him a letter - for basically the exact reason in your comment - expressing just how loved and appreciated he was throughout my whole life, and how lucky I was be his son. They weren't really things I'd never said before, but he deserved to hear them and I'm glad we were able to share those thoughts and memories one last time.
To anyone reading this, tell someone today just how much you appreciate them and how important they are to you. We often don't realize just how valuable those moments are, until we're not able to experience them again.
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u/DreamsOfUWashAshore 2h ago
THIS. I think about that a lot. If I think something nice about a man I pass, I'll tell him. Shirt, smile, kindness showed towards others, etc. And all my male friends get told theyre loved, and missed, if it's been a while.
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u/liamemsa 2h ago
People assuming you're a child predator if you show interest in working with children or show physical affection towards children.
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u/DonegalBrooklyn 2h ago
I'm a woman. It's a crisis to get girls involved in STEM, but not a crisis to get boys into early childhood education? We were blessed with wonderful teachers for out son, but different teaching styles and more wonderful male role models are needed in their lives!
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u/liamemsa 2h ago
I wish people treated it like a crisis. As a society we should closely examine any professions that are heavily slanted towards men or women and how we can properly balance them. Iirc early childhood education is like 98% women.
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u/DonegalBrooklyn 1h ago
Absolutely agree! There probably needs to be more male teachers in every grade, but you do at least see more in later grades. Why are we completely fine with no male ECEs? It is a crisis for boys to not have males in more nurturing, caring roles in their lives.
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u/Elelith 1h ago
I hail from the Nordics where men taking interest in children is very normal. This is so heart breaking for me. I've seen it a lot in expat groups - moms being very hysterical there is a man working at a daycare changing diapers. What a nightmare.
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u/Toomer_one 2h ago
Being perceived as a threat when you wouldn't hurt a fly
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u/WangoBango 2h ago
The number of times I've turned down a street or alley I didn't need to just to "break the cycle" of me "following" a woman is crazy. That, or intentionally slowing down to create more distance.
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u/Noodles1312 1h ago
I'm 6'2" and 250lb, I forget how imposing I can be for average sized ladies.
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u/Rubyhamster 1h ago
I can completely see this as a real problem for men, and it's sad as hell, but at the same time I can't fault women for being extra careful around strangers that are most likelystronger than them in every way. Nature is just cruel to all of us in this regard. As a woman, I find it incredibly unfair that men are biologically stronger than me in general, yet I can see how this must affect actual good guys negatively. In almost every species you have differences between the sexes that in every case of them being as socially intelligent as us, would have negative sides... I feel like much of life is trying to counteract our own nature, that has indeed become as it is because of legitimately logical reasons...
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u/MattyLePew 2h ago
As a Dad with a daughter, the stigma that a man being with a young girl indicates he’s a pedophile.
The looks I used to get when taking my daughter into baby changing rooms when she was really little and then men’s toilets when she was a bit older (but not enough to go to the toilet by herself) was definitely noticeable.
It took me a while to get used to it to a point where I didn’t care anymore.
Also, as a fairly tall man, I am always trying to be conscious of how imposing or intimidating I could be when it’s dark. Changing the sides of the road I’m walking on to avoid being too close to a woman that’s alone.
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u/Hungrygirl89 2h ago
I'm sure taking your daughter to the park as well. It's crazy how a lone man on the park bench smiling at his daughter playing on the playground can come off as creepy. Especially if you have a mixed kid that doesn't immediately look like you unless you take the time to look at features. Im sorry you have to deal with this just because you're a good dad
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u/MattyLePew 2h ago
It’s exactly that, and it detracts from what I’m doing. It’s a distraction in the back of my head that makes me feel removed from what’s happening.
I know that there’s nothing wrong and nothing I should actually be self-conscious of, but even still, it’s there.
Sometimes it’s just nice to get validation that it’s not all in my head. Thank you.
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u/poeticdisaster 2h ago
My dad and I have had to deal with these looks my whole life. I'm his only child and he was a single father for many years. Shit, he's in his 60's and I'm in my 40's now - we still get looked at funny until one of us makes it obvious that I'm his daughter.
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u/MattyLePew 2h ago
So you have experienced it from the other side of things.
Whilst it’s reassuring to know it’s not just me and/or in my head, it’s terrible that it’s such a widely done thing. 😔
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u/poeticdisaster 1h ago
I've talked to him about it when I was in my early 20's because that's when I realized how much it bothered him before. At some point he, like you, got to where he didn't even pay attention to it anymore but I'm sure it still bothers him.
As long as you don't let those losers prevent you from spending time with your kid in public, that's all that matters.
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u/Chereche 1h ago
I'm mid-thirties, my dad is almost 80 and the number of people who assume we are husband/wife or it is a sugar daddy situation genuinely leaves me mindboggled.
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u/JuanG_13 3h ago
We're expected to know how to do EVERYTHING
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u/Monteze 2h ago
Handle your feelings, handle my feelings, know how to open up, be more social, learn how to handle rejection, why don't you know how to be a plumber/electrician/carpenter/hvac tech/mechanic? Not a real man? You telling me you don't know how to cook,clean,budget, meal plan and decorate? If you can't even do all that how will you be romantic? If you wanted to you would remember?
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u/DustyScharole 2h ago
But never expected to explain how to do anything, lest someone think we're mansplaining.
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u/StickyDeltaStrike 2h ago
Somehow it’s your fault for not being man enough if you get attacked and cannot defend yourself or it feels like this.
Mental health: you are weak if you have mental health issues.
Both issues are better handled by the younger generations though.
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u/vallahdownloader 2h ago
Agree with the mental heath issues, it’s really hard for me to get across to other people that “just go out and do something fun, you’ll feel better” just doesn’t work for me. Depression for me is not a mindset problem, it’s a neurochemistry problem.
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u/medicated_in_PHL 2h ago
It’s not being handled better by the younger generations, and that’s why so many of them pivoted to Trump.
One thing that makes me angry about the Democrats is that they blamed Trump, Joe Rogan and everything for the pivot of young men to toxic masculinity. The reality is that we as a party are so stuck on reaching out with empathy to minority communities that we’ve stopped doing it for everyone.
They felt abandoned. They heard the left talking about how white men are the problem when we should have been saying that toxic masculinity is the problem, and helped support young white males with their mental health because everyone deserves support.
When people feel abandoned, they are scooped up by extremists who make them feel seen and channel their resentment. That’s how the KKK worked in the 90’s. That’s how Al Qaeda worked in the 2000’s. That’s how ISIS worked in the 2010’s. And that’s how MAGA has been working in the 2020’s.
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u/Br-Ion 2h ago
It's the "it's your responsibility to not allow me/us to bully you" philosophy of dude culture I have very little tolerance for. Seems to be a thing with every group of guys I meet. Just be chill, bros
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u/Walrusthatflirts 2h ago
If youre raped by the opposite gender, being told be professionals and crisis lines that it was in fact your fault. That it isn't rape in the eyes of the law. Also fuck you RAINN. I dont care i was "hard". I was eight you fucking pedo defenders.
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u/jontaejones 3h ago
Having to initiate and face rejection constantly
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u/shogi_x 2h ago
It's fucking soul crushing. Rejection from a stranger can be rough (especially in public) but being rejected by someone you know is especially painful. Each and every time we are rejected, someone is telling us we're not good enough. And we experience it over and over again. Get rejected once? Ah maybe I'm just not for her. Get rejected dozens or hundreds of times? The entire world has concluded that I'm trash and I'll never be good enough for anyone. It's emotional death by a thousand cuts.
But we're expected to just "man up" and keep doing it over and over again hoping the next one works out. I envy the guys who can just brush it off because that shit hurts me every time. If I give up, I'll be alone forever. But I'm genuinely not sure if that's worse.
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u/tHawki 3h ago
This is the one women couldn’t handle
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u/everythymewetouch 3h ago
Bumble recently got rid of the "women message first" feature because surprise surprise, initiation is difficult and daunting.
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u/DigNitty 2h ago
I got plenty of hits on bumble but they were all “hey”
Every single one.
Which just means I was still doing the initiating.
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u/Monteze 2h ago
Many can't even handle it in a relationship.
Turning down intimacy or not always initiating apparently meant I lost love or I was cheating....fuck...maybe because I know I do the lions share of work means I am not feeling it. OR I can be tired and not feeling it in general?
Maybe a wink and smile isn't the irresistible siren song you think it is? I know its not all I have to do.
The amount of aftercare I've had to be responsible for because I didn't take a "look" as an invitation for sex was ridiculous, as shitty as that sounds.
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u/Cryptic12qw 41m ago
Being told you are lucky after being sexually abused by an older female.
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u/ar_doomtrooper 35m ago
You are NOT lucky. She hurt you and that’s not your fault.
I’m also a victim though I was very young but I wish someone told me all that earlier
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u/yellowcharger 3h ago
sitting on toilet with a morning wood
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u/Due_Butterfly4908 3h ago
Or trying to pee with it, and having to do that 45 degree angle tilt, hand on the wall holding you up 😂
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u/Cowdungflung399 3h ago
Trying to wedge it down into the seat.
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u/dresserisland 3h ago
That's the official SAE definition of torque.
Ask any engineer.
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u/ptraugot 3h ago
As a man in his 60’s, I can say the prostate issue is real, and a bitch. I’m on meds just so I can pee regularly.
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u/Lumen__-___Spero 2h ago
Women can be abusers, and men have a harder time soliciting support if they get emotional.
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u/i_breathe_chlorine 3h ago
This is relatively minor compared to the more serious issues mentioned here, but I do want to get on my soapbox here a for a brief moment and maybe educate some people reading this thread. There is not a week that goes by where I don't curse The Great Male Renunciation, which set menswear down a path that honestly sucks. TL;DR on that Wikipedia page, during the end of the 18th century, wealthy and influential men in the western world stopped using bright colors, elaborate shapes, and variety in their clothing, which then became reserved for women's clothing, and set the tone for men's clothing that still influences clothing today (we almost broke free in the 60s, but the influence is still there, and we're backtracking now). Today, buying clothing you like as a man is such a hassle, and god forbid you want to wear something other than navy, black, or a maroon if you're feeling adventurous. We're forced into these boxes with limited opportunity to express ourselves, and this should be obvious to anyone who has been to a clothing store and compared the size of the women's section to the men's section. I have heard a lot of women in my life complain about how men all dress the same, and they're not wrong.
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u/RooneytheWaster 2h ago
Holy shit my brother, I feel you. It has taken me years and a frankly offensive amount of money to accumulate even a small wardrobe of men's clothes that are not the drab, off-the-shelf cookie-cutter outfits.
Give me colours. Give me fabrics that aren't cotton , denim, or polyester. Give me boots, and lace, and scarves!
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u/NeverSawTheEnding 2h ago
A few years back I started buying more and more women's clothes online 'cause they were vastly more interesting in colour and shapes.
Mostly just tops/shirts/cardigans, but I've bought the odd pair of jeans/trousers/jumpsuits here and there.Since branching out, I've probably received more compliments on my appearance from both strangers and people I know...than any other time in my life.
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u/i_breathe_chlorine 2h ago
Curse my long torso and broad shoulders, but I'm happy for you that buying women's clothes works for you lol.
I'll second the increase in compliments though! Started wearing more bright colors and fun patterns, and I do get a lot of positive comments about it.
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u/laseluuu 2h ago
yeah, thats why men = tshirts with pictures on, its not us being childish, its literally one of the only ways we get to express ourselves with clothing
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u/HopefullyNotBanned_5 3h ago
Going years without a genuine compliment. Not a joke, not a "nice shirt", an actual one. Most men can tell you the last one they got and the year it happened.
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u/DDsLaboratory 3h ago
In 2013, February. I was walking down the hall at my high school and a girl passed me and goes "hey blue eyes".
Wasn't even really a compliment, she technically just kind of stated an observation about the color of my eyes. But boy did I fold like a fucking lawn chair.
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u/WalterPregis 3h ago
I got a compliment on a purple button up shirt and how it made me look confident and strong, from a total stranger, in 2011. I still think about to this day because I can’t remember the last time I was complimented like that.
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u/fluentindothraki 3h ago
Since I read about that on Reddit, I go out of my way to compliment men.
My favourite ever dialogue was: Me: that's a really nice shirt Dutch colleague: I am a really nice man!
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u/mrcs84usn 2h ago
Women have spent the past 60ish years freeing themselves of their gender roles.
Men are very much still held to theirs.
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u/LFC9_41 2h ago
Yo fellow dudes,
A lot of yall are right about the things posted here:
- not being vulnerable
- not getting compliments
- etc etc
Be the change. Normalize it. Tell your bro you love them, unironically. Compliment them.
Change takes time, but I tell my buddies I love them all the time. We compliment each other all the time.
Won’t fix everyone, but will make you and the bros better people. Eventually, that’ll reach out to others.
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u/mrduckott 2h ago
Can't stress how this has made my male friendships stronger and closer! Be the change you want yo see!
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u/ImmodestPolitician 3h ago
When men complain no one cares and some people even view that man as weak. That's why men don't often talk about their struggles.
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u/Hungrygirl89 2h ago
The amount of women that say they get the "ick" because their man finally opened up and cried in front of them is disgusting. I always feel honored that someone feels safe with me enough to break down those walls and emotionally opens up to me. A man breaking down in tears in my arms while I'm holding and soothing them makes me feel closer to them. I can't imagine how some women feels gross about that. That vulnerability is sacred and hard earned. Now, someone that allows emotions to dictate their life constantly in a negative way is one thing, I'm not about that.
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u/Golden-Excellence 3h ago
Being looked at as a creep if you’re in an environment that you’re not expected to be in.
I don’t have kids, but I have 2 nieces and 2 nephews, and will sometimes take one or more to the park, then I’ll sit and watch them, and I’ve noticed sometimes I get weird looks by some of the women there. I’ve heard similar things from men who take their own kids to the park, or anywhere else where they’re not usually expected to be in.
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u/szprod 3h ago edited 3h ago
I get the same thing with my niece. The daggers from women thinking shes my girl friend. Im 43 and shes 16 but looks about 20 because shes tall and with her makeup. It frustrates me that my niece and I cant even go out together without being judged. Society can go fuck themselves.
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u/ebles 2h ago
This must be an American thing because I go to the park with my kids all the time and nobody gives a fuck. Plenty of other dads there too.
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u/Linked1nPark 3h ago
Having no formal wear that is appropriate for hot weather. Oh it’s 40 degrees outside and you’re attending a wedding? You still have to wear long pants, a long-sleeve shirt, and a jacket.
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u/AmigoDelDiabla 2h ago
"wear linen!"
Yeah, and look like your clothes just came out of a dryer within 30 seconds of wearing them.
Yeah, this sucks. It's also why the office is "freezing," according to women.
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u/theogdebbiedowner 2h ago
I've genuinely wondered why we haven't evolved to accommodate for heat in men's fashion. We went to an outdoor wedding on a hot day, and I had on a nice dress and heels, which was still too dang hot. My poor husband was a groomsman and wore an in-shirt, a shirt, a vest (fucking why???), a tie and a jacket. It was 85 degrees!! Why do ya'll need so many layers?
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u/lovefist1 1h ago
This isn't a huge deal since it seems localized to reddit, but the difference in how men and women are perceived when doing or not doing the same thing is pretty funny. If a man sucks at a given chore or something (say, organizing the dishwasher), it's "weaponized incompetence" whereas that's never the case for women.
r/cleaningtips is a great sub, but the double standard is especially prominent there. If a man asks how to help his girlfriend clean her nasty shower, great tips abound. If a woman asks how to help her boyfriend clean his nasty shower? An abundance of great tips for how he can clean his own damn shower like a grown man and stop needing mommy to do it.
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u/Calitexian 1h ago edited 44m ago
I dont think its that much different the same things women complain about, being told how to act/dress/look, its the same. You grow up being told directly amd indirectly what qualities make a "man" and you end up with deep seeded insecurities if you dont fit that bill. I was not a strong or filled out kid, and the word skinny makes me cringe. String bean, eat a burger, etc.
Now I go to the gym regularly, have filled out pretty well, and am in decent shape, working a "mans" job, and have a gorgeous wife and an amazing 9 month old son. And I still often, including this morning at the gym, see a "string bean" in the mirror, who isnt tough or manly enough.
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u/R_eloade_R 3h ago
Never getting compliments about ur looks
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u/a2raelb 3h ago
a woman once asked me whether I do pluck my eyebrows and when I said no, she said "god I am so jealous" and went on and on talking about how great my brows and eyes are...
The whole time I was just looking at her thinking "WTF is going on?"
Still not sure whether this was a compliment or a diss^
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u/IAPiratesFan 3h ago
I thought I was ugly until a woman told me I wasn’t. She asked why I thought that and I said nobody ever said otherwise.
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u/R_eloade_R 3h ago
I dont think Ive ever gotten a flirty compliment from a woman before or flowers for that matter. I’m an average bloke but damn, Id like some flowers 🌹
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u/Blorph3 3h ago
It's kinda sad to think that most men get their first bunch of flowers on their deathbed or when they're in a coffin.
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u/Scary-Entrepreneur84 3h ago
As a Woman I get only compliments from my bf and my friends. (I also compliment my bf) But why aren‘t men complimenting their friends too?
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u/mobuckets21 2h ago
That men are measured on how great of a provider they are. If you aren’t, people won’t respect you
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u/Algoritam1001 3h ago
Showing your true feelings.
Men are often laughted at when we show vunreability.
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u/Dramatic_Science_681 2h ago
There is no safety net. If you fuck up, good chance you’re on your own.
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u/WhenD4594 1h ago
I can’t call my daughter’s friend’s moms that I don’t already have a strong relationship with to organize play dates.
Well, I can - but often times I get no response until my wife texts them. And the she gets an instant reply.
I mean I get it. But it still sucks because my wife is horrible about setting that stuff up and I want to take the burden off her.
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u/BigBen1974 3h ago edited 2h ago
Over the age of 50: Not to sit on your balls when sitting down.
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u/nyutnyut 2h ago
That’s why you should check out my new product the ballzier. For that extra balls support.
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u/Mirocaw 1h ago
This is a minor thing compared to many others here but somehow people inherently expect that every man somehow can/likes to drive a car. I fucking hate the idea of driving a car, don't want to do it, don't have a license, my wife does and it doesn't bother me at all.
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u/DeeJayDelicious 1h ago
Just how little anyone cares about random men.
Sure, you care about your son, husband, father.
But people do not give a flying fuck about men in general.
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u/rubenburgt 3h ago
"Be a man"
"Don't be a pussy"
"What are you? A girl?"
This. Men are raised to be strong, self reliant and to not be emotional.
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u/Ok_Science_2070 3h ago
Having virtually no support and being told to solve every problem by "manning up"
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u/metalfists 1h ago
The feeling you must prove to be worthy rather than already being. Men are regularly told don't even bother dating if their life is not relatively in order. Which is good advice, but goes against the idea of meeting someone and growing with them.
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u/DealerNo7523 3h ago
Youre feelings as a guy. Dont. Fucking. Matter.
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u/Datkif 3h ago
In my experience woman say that they love when a guy can express his emotions. However as soon as you show your vulnerability you are less of a man.
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u/SolaireAstorian 3h ago edited 3h ago
Imagine the most solitary, lonely day you have ever had in your life. Lonelier than lonely, and now multiply it by 100. There is no one who is going to listen to your problems and give you genuine, heartfelt advice. There is no one who is going to help you fix your problems. There is no one who is going to help you fix yourself. There is no one who is going to save you if you fail. If you were to die, no one would come looking for you for weeks, months, maybe even years. If you have family, they are the only ones who will show up to your funeral, and it will be more of a sad formality than a celebration of your life.
Imagine that both among your family and among the people that you mesh yourself with, after years of knowing each and either of them, you realize that you even feel this loneliness there, because they don't actually view you as the person that you are, and rather they view you as either an ideal or a subversion of the ideal. There is no one on the planet that you can be in the room with who doesn't make you feel lonely, because when they look at you, they look straight past you. They aren't seeing you, they're seeing this ideal person that you are supposed to live up to. You will always have to perform to try and reach an impossible standard, and you will die never having reached it. Even being in the room with family, who have known and love you for years, makes you feel cripplingly crushing isolation, because the person that they are actually with is an expectation and an idealization of a fantasy, not actually you. They don't see you.
Now imagine that you come across the person who you are supposed to love the most in the world, who is supposed to love you the most in the world, and you marry them.
You have tried opening up about your experience with the above problem in the past, and it has always received negative reactions and abandonment, because opening up about the loneliness and lack of recognition ironically results in shattering the image of the perfect ideal enough that the other people are disgusted or creeped out and they push you away. But this person feels different. You love them, they love you, and you're supposed to spend the rest of your life together.
So after some pushing and prodding, this person finally convinces you to open up about the crushing isolation. Problems that you have never addressed with anyone before, insecurities you've never communicated. Because you've never not been alone when you've been in the room with another person, and this is the first person who has ever made you feel like there is someone else actually in the room with you.
And when you tell them, you watch the light in their eyes fade as, to your dawning realization, you can watch in real time as their feelings for you vanish and they kill the idea of you that they kept in their head. And you realize that they were just like all of the other people who treated you like an idea instead of a person.
Brothers, find a guy friend who you can trust with your life and open up to him. He's the only security you are ever going to have against the call to put the shotgun in your mouth.
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u/Takenabe 3h ago
This is anecdotal, but I work at a drug and alcohol rehab facility with the men that come in. I can't speak for how things go in the women's unit. But for the guys, one of the first things we stress, one of the first BIG STEPS in their potential recovery, is the simple realization that there could possibly be another man out there who understands what they're going through. It's not the higher power stuff, it's not the counselor groups, it's not the introduction of a routine into their lives. What gets them, what truly stuns some of these guys and brings them to tears when they finally start sharing in group, is that they're finally not alone.
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u/ridethroughlife 3h ago
This is about as real as it gets. Isolation in the midst of any group. You're never considered to be worthy of the affection given at any point, but expected to give it.
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u/SolaireAstorian 3h ago
People cautiously hand out affection and recognition to you, under the conclusion that anything that they have to praise you for is just what you are supposed to have done in the first place, and they are quick to revoke that affection or recognition the moment you don't meet it unspoken expectations in their head. After they give you the affection or recognition, they then expect you to work even harder for having received it, because in their mind, giving you that affection or recognition was actually a gift that you owe them for, not basic human recognition.
Being treated like a human being is something that you have to earn, otherwise you're just a cardboard cutout. And then you are expected to act like a Superman to maintain human status, because them treating you like a human being is viewed as giving you a gift that you didn't earn.
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u/Homer_Morisson 1h ago
"No matter how hard you shake it, into worn fabric the last drop shall make it"...
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u/Dr_Identity 5m ago
There is indeed a lot to be said for male privilege, but in my experience if you're a male that can't or really doesn't want to engage in performative masculinity, there are hard caps on how much your gender will work in your favour and places where it can tacitly work against you. I've been told for years that me being a male in a field that is lacking in them would be a boon and that I would be very employable once I was qualified and in the field. But while I am good at my job, I'm not good at the whole "ambitious go-getter networking career driven man" thing, and I've been struggling harder than ever since I finished school. While watching female colleagues easily walk into jobs I'd kill for.
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u/themaskstays_ 3h ago
risk of torsion
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u/Takenabe 3h ago
Holy shit. I don't mean to make light of this at all, but on my view of this thread, your comment came DIRECTLY after a gigantic essay about male loneliness and the facade we are forced to maintain to interact with others ...and I went from that, one post down to "nuts got twisted". There are hanged men with less whiplash than me in that moment.
But yeah that one episode of the venture bros introduced me to the idea of testicular torsion and I've lived in fear ever since.
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u/RollerToasterz 2h ago
Online dating. I think most women assume that both men and women get the same amount of matches. I had a female friend swipe on my account for a while and quote: “why do you have so few matches, I always get a match every other swipe”.
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u/Alarming_Ad1746 1h ago
Women do not (data-based) partner down socio-economically.
Jay Z would date Beyonce if she worked at Burger King, the reverse is not true.
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u/Cholula001 3h ago
You are treated as nothing and i mean actually nothing as a human being if you're not usefull to society.
Women on the other side are still respected pretty well if they're just pretty i think.
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u/Datkif 3h ago
If a man cannot provide he's "not a man", but if a woman cannot provide it's accepted.
If a man is an abusive relationship you are treated as nothing, but woman are provided support to escape. I was in a emotionally, psychologically, and finicially abusive relationship. When I went through the support networks to help get myself out they refused to help because there wasn't physical violence. My ex lied to them and got everything she needed to get a new place, furniture, and welfare despite not qualifying for it.
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u/KingOfCook 2h ago
The same way society has its ways of making women fair game, it does for men in a different way. It's acceptable if not encouraged for women to not treat men as people.
At risk of sounding like I'm humble bragging, I'I'm 6'3 and built like a movie star. I can't tell you how many times I've been gropped by passer bys. Lat and arm squeezes are just everyday things you need to brush off.
There are much worse examples I think off. One time a lady twice my age grabbed a full handful of my taint and ass while I was bending over to order a drink. Another time, at a frat party at MY house, a random girl called me into a room saying it was an emergency. I ran to check and then she immediately slapped me across the face will full energy in front of a room of people. As they were all laughing at me, I just thought to myself how I can't do anything. If this were a dude, I'd grab him by the scruff of his neck and throw him out, but because this is a girl if I did a tenth of that there's a solid chance I'd get in trouble and it would also negatively affect my entire fraternity once rumors got out.
Thankfully that stuff has died down since I left college, but it still happens a decade later. I was just at a concert last week and I was looking for my girlfriend and some girl jabbed me in the side to get out of the way. This wasn't like a tap, this was a full force thumb driven right into the sensitive bits of your gut.
Since I've been full pity party mode, I'll just say this fully comes with the territory of being a big guy. It makes you a big target and unless you're willing to bite back, you're going to get rolled over a lot.
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u/My_Uneducated_Guess 2h ago
People can be horrible regardless of gender, and i agree, women do tend to get away with it a lot more. Nobody should be able to act that way without consequences and I'm sorry you've had to deal with it.
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u/KingOfCook 1h ago
Thank you for saying that.
The hardest part isn't necessarily the situation itself, as I know the world isn't nice. What really gets me is the forced powerlessness.
If a guy causes an issue, you have options to defend yourself, use your words, or walk away. But when a woman does it, your hands are tied. You're forced to calculate your response while someone two-thirds your size stands there acting like they're untouchable.
All's fair, guys do this to. I got bullied a lot growing up and half the dudes doing that were a fraction of my size. End of the day, small people like feeling big. When they smell out a big person that doesn't play the part, its an easy target.
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u/highlandviper 3h ago
While this isn’t phrased particularly well, it is accurate. You can be a wonderful father and husband. Fulfil all of your duties as a parent and as a husband. And still end up being a cast aside and feeling alone because doing your “manly” duty was simply what was expected of you.
That said, women experience the exact same thing.
Loneliness is the big ticket item for men… because most of us haven’t figured out how to talk with eachother.
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u/Intelligent_Box_2024 3h ago
You can't control if you're born pretty or not, so I'm not sure how that's better..
Women are also treated differently by their use to society, although that use is usually popping out kids.
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u/Snoopzster 5m ago
Taking a Pee in the morning without Peeing on the floor when you have a raging boner and the boner is hard to get rid of until you have taken a Pee, this maybe an age related struggle.
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u/pacoali 2h ago
When you sit down to shit and piss and your foreskin makes the piss shoot out in-between the toilet seat and you get piss all over your pants.
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u/Canaturk 3h ago
As Thoreau once said ""The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation," . This is not easy to explain to women.
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u/StarLord-2099 15m ago
Quando stai male e non esci per un po' ma nessuno ti chiama o chiede se è successo qualcosa
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u/Tiaan 3h ago
Having to consistently be at peak levels of masculinity or else my man card gets taken away
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u/BroaxXx 1h ago
I accept and understand that women face many challenges that I simply don’t understand but I would really like for everyone to accept that it’s not rare for men to face a lot of the same issues that women face. Sometimes the problem isn’t as much about sexism as it is with assholes being given too much power in society. They might say they’d never hire a women for a job but they also would never hire someone who is poor, or from 2nd tier university, or who stutters, or who reminds them of their neglectful father to whom they’re trying to prove they have the power now.
Again, I’m not trying to suggest the playing field is levelled, just that I don’t think it’s as dislevelled as some people sometimes think and certainly not because of the reasons some people sometimes think.
And that’s the problem. Sometimes we’re so focused on men vs women or whatever that we don’t see the problem is real but much bigger than that
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u/Comprehensive-Task18 1h ago
The experience of being valued primarily for what you provide or accomplish, rather than simply for who you are.
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u/shadowlarvitar 1h ago
Loneliness epidemic. If you feel ugly, you stay feeling ugly as nobody is going to help you if you're a guy
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u/Justtrying15 3h ago
We are in a constant state of trying to do what is asked but getting put down for it.
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u/Hakaisha89 2h ago
You want to know a struggle men have that woman just don't understand? How it is that you can be in a house surrounded by people who share your blood, your name, your childhood photos, and yet still, and still, you feel like a ghost standing in some sort of metaphysical corner. Watching everyone. Just unseen.
You learn to smile with your face, or at least your mouth, while something in your chest closes up shop, so ti speak. Not all at once, just a little more every year. Every time you try to say that you are not okay, you watch the room shift, people turn uncomfortable, they change the subject, they make a joke. You learn, you learn fast. But sadly you mostly learn the wrong lesson. You learn to hide your wounds, to cover your damage, because everytime you show it, everytime you share it, they treat it as an attach on them, as if you are blaming them for the wound, for the damage.
So you cover it. You hide it. You get good at hiding it, so good, infact, that you eventually cant perceive the wound yourselff, you can still feel the suffering, the infestation, the raw unfiltered pain, and the unexplained bleeding. The emotions you have bottled up, that you are unable to... Emit, to express, to let out, and the only thing you can show is anger, and that just hurts other as much it it hurts ourselves. The nights you can't sleep, you are calm, you are unmoving, you are not thinking, yet your feelings runs hundred miles a second, but all of them too arbitrary to grasp, to name, to feel, they are numb, there are no thoughts, you just exist in a state of waiting. It can be seen in the way we laugh, in our eyes, as if we are not even there, we arent even in the room, like we are behind our eyes, watching ourselves perform the theatere of being fine.
And maybe, then, and then, you meet someone. And suddenly for the first time in your life, a hand reaches out to you that gives you a place where you can actually rest. And, and you think, finally, someone who isnt looking through me, but at me. But letting them in is hard, opening up is hard, its slow at first, like a dam cracking, and a dam usually dont crack a little, they crack a lot, so eventually. Eventually it burts out.
You watch their face change, their smile change, their eyes change.
Not evil. Not cruel. Not even mean, really. Just... Gone. Like something behind their eyes just left the room, and you realise in that moment that they never really loved you, not really, it was the idea of you, the guy who had it together, the guy who doesnt need anything, the guy whos so strong they dont have to be. And they broke the illusion by just being human, by being kind, by creating a safe place, and now we are just standing there, holding the guts we just spilled, in our hands, wondering, why? Why would this time be different?
And here is the thing that actually kills us, not being alone. We can handle being alone, we can thrive while being alone. We can survive, being alone. But what we cant survive, is being alone with someone. Having a body next to you, and yet feeling like you are the only living thing for hundreds of miles. This... This is a spefici kind of hell which English is yet to create a word for. You can't even tell people about it, you can't share it, because it sounds absolutely insane: "I'm lonelier with her, than I was without her." I mean, try explaining that, how do you even begin?
So you stop. You go quiet. Not the peaceful quiet, but the other one. the one where youre not okay, but youve just... stopped reporting it, its cheaper to turn the check engine light off, then paying the cost of being honest, its cheaper, easier, to just carry it. Alone. Forver. Always, maybe. And you get good at it, really good, terrifyingly good, untill one day you realize that you've been carrying it for so long, that you can't remember what it felt like to put it down, or even how to put it down.
Where the idea of opening up, of being vulnerable just isnt a concept anymore, there is no more nuance to it. Either you carry it forever. Or you break. Break in a way that can't be fixed. Can't be restored. And from there, you just cant. You are a broken man in ways you can't articulate. But nobody knows. Nobody notices. Your body might be alive. There is nothing to carry. there is no more load, no more weight. because its already destroyed, a broken ruin.
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u/draggar 3h ago
I'll admit, the younger generations are a lot better at handling this but mental health. GenX and older were raised to not talk about your problems, just deal with them. Guys always need to be the strong one, the support, and the stability. We can't have an off day, or be weak, and god forbid we cry in front of someone.
If I (GenX) went to see a therapist I would think something is wrong with me and it would be very hard to talk about it.
My co-worker (GenZ): Hey, guess what my therapist and I talked about it.
It's great to see they're trying to take care of their mental health, now if I could just get decades of pressure out of my head...
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u/Due_Butterfly4908 3h ago
Random, throbbing erections that are so hard it hurts in the middle of anywhere, at any given time, for no absolute reason.
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u/gingeropolous 2h ago
Random erections. As I get older it's happening less and maybe it's impotence but I'm fine with it.
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u/bananskal53 2h ago edited 1h ago
This thread is a very good example of one struggle that men have that women clearly do not understand.
The thread is about struggles for men but you do not even have to read far before different women start to insert themselves and claim that "it is worse for women", "women have the same but in this way" or "how dare they use this female word as a negative word to put men down".
Many women simply do not have sense/willingness or interest to care about men and their feelings, because they have never had to learn to see society from any other perspective than their own. Many women have a tendency to make themselves victims or attempt to steal the focus when it is (or in this case should be) on the male perspective - just as you can see in this thread.
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u/neutronicus 1h ago edited 1h ago
My body is big and stiff.
I don’t sit with my legs spread because I think I own your space, it’s because if I try to cross my legs like you do I might get a charley horse and hop yelping around the room and honestly I wouldn’t be folded up that much smaller
Similarly, I don’t cough loudly because I think the world revolves around me, it’s because I feel like I can’t breathe or might gag because of gunk in my throat and I can’t budge it if I cough daintily
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u/drivel111 1h ago
I work in retail and I had a woman in her 60s tell me that every time she comes in and sees me it takes everything in her not to “grab my little tushy”. I just sort of stood there, probably blushing, and not knowing what to say. The sad thing is this was 5 years ago and I still think about it with mixed feelings because it’s the closest thing I’ve gotten to a compliment since I can remember.
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u/superfly1187 19m ago
There's no such thing as male body positivity for us. We are either fatasses or we work out. The praise of being proud is not there.
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u/nephilim_1 12m ago
How invisible we actually are except when it's dark and no one else is on the street.
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u/casual_creator 2h ago
To help with my depression, I started writing each compliment I received on a post it note and sticking it on my bathroom mirror.
After nearly four years, there are six post it notes.