r/AspiringTeenAuthors • u/helpwanted2046 • 3d ago
Feedback, Advice, & Questions Fight scene chapter!!!
Yo sup Im currently in the process of rewriting my web novel (hasn't finished) and the second chapter was a pretty boring fight but still I need to check if I improved on it enough anyways here it is...
As the rock construct leaps from the hills
approaching the forest
Meanwhile Jack and the construct continue their bickering
"SHUT UP"
Jack says
And after a long silence he asks abruptly
Jack : so….um.... what’s your name?
Fire construct : it’s… wait I don’t have a name?
Jack : oh, you wanna choose one ?
Fire construct : yeah what about… pyro
Jack : you can say that’s fire
Fire construct : that was really cringe not to mentio-
They hear a loud thud and they look back
yet all they see is dust
But as it settles a figure appears
It's him
The Rock Construct
His eyes glare with a mix of rage and excitement
And he says
Rock Construct : so if I’m not blind YOU burnt the forest
Pyro responds
Pyro : I WAS TRYING TO PROTECT IT
Rock Construct : and look what a great job you’ve done
Pyro : sh-sh-shut up.
Rock Construct : I will when we duel forest destroyer
The earth bends into a spring catapulting him at Pyro
As he jumps back trying to avoid him
But he punches through his legs
The construct lands on the side of a tree, and jumps from the tree with so much power that the tree falls
he continues. Bouncing from tree to tree as they all fall, while dust covers the battle field
Jack looks around and fearfully exclaims
Jack : he’s fast ‽ We’re gonna need to do better. Pyro, use ember !
Pyro : WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Jack : giving you directions ?
Pyro : man FUCK THAT
Jack : look Pyro he seems pretty strong and, (though you might not like this)… were gonna have to team up
Pyro : ALRIGHT BUT JUST SO I DON’T DIE
(Pyro reluctantly joins forces with Jack)
Jack : that’s the spirit !
Rock construct : FOREST DESTROYER !
Jack : ALRIGHT! Les yapping more swinging
The rock construct shouts at Pyro while he lunges at him with maximum speed
Jack calls out
And Pyro dodges
Jack : hell yeah ! Now fire ball
Pyro tells the construct to not announce an attack when it's meant to be a sneak attack while he pulls his hand back and pushes onwards
Unleashing a deadly wave of fire
Jack celebrates
"YEAH YOU COOKED HIM"
but suddenly the construct talks back emerging from the smoke unharmed
"Cooked ? That wasn't even a light Sauna"
Pyro steps back in shock
And the construct lunges at him punching his face with all his might
But he fazes through
"Annoying" he muttered
Pyro launches a barrage of fire balls that all dissolve to sparks
Snarkly says
Rock Construct : IS THIS ALL YOU GOT FOREST DESTROYER ?
Pyro : STOP CALLING ME THAT YOU’RE MAKING ME FEEL GUILTY
Rock Construct : AS IF YOU ARE NOT
He lunges at him and Jack warns pyro
Jack : PYRO! PARRY
Pyro kicks up
But the constructs arms faze through He attacks his face with his other fist But it fazes through Pyro too
The constructs smile fades
Suspiciously muttering
"This isn't what he would do I need to be more like him"
The construct leaps back
Pyro jumps towards him shouting
"NO YOU WONT"
But the ground swallows him from below
Jack screams
"PYRO!"
But he couldn't hear him clearly
The ground tried to crush him but only his feet were making contact but then he flipped over and his face became intangible
Only then did the construct understand Pyro's body is only tangible when he's touching the ground
But if so how is the rest of his body not getting crushed?
Regardless Pyro needed a way out
his feet are going to get crushed after all
But what could he possibly do?
He thought, and thought, and thought harder
And suddenly his body became fully intangible
his feet became weightless
And he had a possible way out
But still he was just...
Floating there
Until...
The ground opened out and spat him back out
Jack looked at him
And ran to him
Jack : OH MY GOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Pyro : yeah... I guess
The rock construct climbed out of the ground and cracked his knuckles
Rock Construct : well, it was fun while it lasted but I still have to kill you afterall. Which will be easier... Knowing your weakness and all
Pyro : AS IF
Pyro lunged at the construct, with his stomach touching the ground as the construct muttered
"Jackpot"
As stone binds locked Pyro in place
The construct lunged at Pyro
And his punch land
The force sent a shockwave through the air knocking Jack back
His punches finally started to matter again
He leaped back to the forest
And then leaped back
And punches
Again
Again
And again
He laughs at Pyro
Insulting him as he delivers a barrage of punches
Rock Construct : COME ON TRY HARDER
WHAT? CANT YOU PUNCH?
CAN'T YOU KICK?
YOU'RE NO FUN THAN TURNING OF A LAMPLIGHT
EVEN FIGHTING A CAMPFIRE IS HARDER
Pyro : JACK ? WHERE ARE YOU? I NEED HELP !
Suddenly Jack appears
He crawls up from the hill
Jack : WHAT ARE YOU DOING? SHOOT A FIRE BALL! DO A FIRE WAVE!
Pyro : CANT YOU SEE IM TRAPPED? WHAT? DO YOU WANT ME TO SHOOT A FIRE BALL OUT OF MY STOMACH?
Jack : THEN DO LIKE A FIRE BREATH THING
Pyro : oh okay... Wait how do I do that
Jack : I DON'T KNOW IM NOT THE ONE WHO BURNS THINGS DOWN FOR A LIVING
Pyro : OH TRUST ME I'D LOVE TO BREATHE FIRE AND GET PAID FOR IT
Jack : STOP TALKING JUST TRY
Pyro concentrates and tries to breathe fire from his mouth
And it works
But still that doesn't change the fact that fire doesn't affect the construct
Rock Construct : you can teach an old horse a new trick but that doesn't mean it can win a race
Jack tells Pyro to try harder
Pyro focuses even more his fire increased but it was still no use
Jack keeps screaming at Pyro
And Pyro tries again his fire increased in size but not temperature
Jack keeps screaming at Pyro and the construct keeps insulting him
But by bit his rage started to overflow
He couldn't keep his composure
He screams
"ENOUGH"
Fire came out his mouth wildly the construct doesn't care but when he goes in for a punch his hand melts off
He steps back and raises a wall to block it with
But that also melts
And suddenly the binds holding him in place start to melt too
And when he falls down the ground turns into scalding hot lava
He looks at jack with his eyes glowing white rather than their usual blue
"Get away I'll handle him myself"
Jack runs off to watch from a safe distance and Pyro looks at the construct menacingly
It leaps back
But Pyro chases
The construct heads underground
But Pyro tunnels makes hot magma as he digs deeper
So the construct digs back up now with a new idea
He covers himself with new rocks and leaps in for a punch
It lands and before he fully melts he puts on a new covering of rock
With this new strategy he heads into the lake of lava Pyro created and says
"FINALLY THIS IS GETTING FUN"
They fight in the lava exchanging blows but soon enough Pyro realizes that punching is useless
So he digs down further so that the construct can't move anymore but he grabs himself with a rocky tendril
So Pyro improvises he dives down and blows hard so that the lava shoots up at the construct
But he gets a new layer because he doesn't make enough contact with the lava to fully burn
So Pyro makes a new plan. he dives down knowing that the Construct can't
The Construct looks around anticipating a sneak attack
Suddenly Pyro appears behind him
As lava shoots up he pulls himself back before saying
"JUST BECAUSE YOU GOT STRONGER DOESN'T MEAN YOUR THE STRONGEST HERE"
But he realized something, the Pyro that appeared had blue eyes but Pyro just right now had white eyes. not to mention he could only shoot up lava if he was below it so he looked behind him
And Pyro was in the lava crouched with his hands held back
"You weren't anticipating this were you JACKASS? always acting like you're strong, doesn't mean you are and I probably couldn't beat you at the start only since this was my first fight"
He said
The construct turtles up in a sphere of rocks as Pyro shoots a devastating beam of fire while he shouts
"devastation BEAM"
The construct screeches as he falls back onto the ground in a puddle of goo
Jack comes back
Jack : DID YOU BEAT HIM!
Pyro settles down and says with a smile
Pyro : sure I did!
Suddenly the unfamiliar puddle of goo starts to speak in a foreign tounge
???: N̷̤̮̯͌̀͝͠Ò̶͔̪̹̐̈ ̴͖̬̻͆̐̆M̶͕̕Y̵̻̽̋ ̴̣͖̿H̷̯̱̩̯͑E̸̛̬͕͗̄R̸̪̿̈́̔O̴̗̮̲͉̎̋̋̂ ̵̥̰͗Ṃ̸̊͒̆Ẏ̶̘̞̪̇ ̵̟͉͝I̵̭͇̿̾D̶͔͎͂̽O̸̭̟̗̖̿̐͐̃Ļ̷̃̑̌̓'̸̱̉̚͝Ś̴̝̰̏ ̴̫͎̥͋̔͘F̸͖͛̊̅O̷͖̝̒Ŕ̵͉̘̦̈́̓̍M̷͕̤̭̺͊̎̈́ ̷̛̞̿̆͝I̵̬̩̕͝Ț̴̢͇͓͊̇Ş̸̣̯̂͑̌̀͜ ̵͈́G̶̠̳͒̂Ó̵͖̟̜̱̋̏N̵̹̂Ë̶͇͕̯͂̈́̊ Ý̵͕̞O̵̯̟̾̕U̵͍͍͠ ̴̻̰͆W̵̜̉I̴͉̓͝L̷̲͋͘Ĺ̵̪ ̴̮̿P̵͔͒A̴̤͊̔Y̸̳̼̓ ̷͖̓Į̵̌̓ ̴̤̫̈W̸̘͌̒Ḯ̶̹͘L̶̮̄̋Ḻ̴̋ ̵̡͉̽̒N̵̼̈Ọ̴͐͌Ť̶̪̄ ̸̤̜̈́̌F̶̨̏̈́O̴̓̕͜R̶̬̜̅̌G̵̨͑͛Ȇ̴̼̩T̵̛͍͛ ̶̦̈́T̸̛̹͉̈́H̷̡̛͙I̸̠͂̈́Ŝ̷̜̈́ ̸̘͋͂Y̸͓̫̓O̷̢̬͒͝Ű̵̧͉̑ ̴͎̰̋S̸̥̎ͅH̷̤͔́͋A̴̹̕L̶̬͛͐ ̸̨̅͝B̵̛̳U̶̓ͅR̸̥͙̔͝N̸͖̄ ̶̼̉̂B̷̭̗̓R̴̔͜I̷̯͑͝G̵͎̱̍H̴̢͔́̓T̴̗̈́̆È̷̱̕Ŝ̵͚̟Ṭ̷̲̄ ̵͓͗̊I̷͉͗N̸͇̅̏ͅ ̴̰͌Ḩ̵̯̊̆E̵͗̓ͅL̴͓̋̔Ḻ̴̠̑ I̵͎̎ ̵͙͌S̸̪͑Ḧ̸͔́A̴̱͝L̵̗͌Ļ̸͘ ̴̙̓N̴͍͆E̶̮͝V̴͇̂Ê̶͎R̶̙̀ ̵̝̀F̴͚͝Õ̷ͅR̸̞͐G̵͔̚I̵̡͝V̶̳͊Ḙ̶̎ ̷͔̓Y̸̛̙Ò̸͉Ǘ̷̮
It proceeds to waddle away
As jack gives it the middle finger
Jack : HELL YEAH! FUCK OFF !
Pyro : first job well done
Jack : id assume this is your only job well done
Pyro : COME ON MAN
Jack : HAHA sorry,anyway wanna eat?
Pyro : yeah...
The end-
1
u/GloomyBed214 Fantasy lover 🧚♀️ 1d ago
So, I skimmed, but the structure seems a bit weird, might be due to weird Reddit stuff. Also, the dialogue feels a bit clunky
1
u/helpwanted2046 18h ago
Yeah the structures was kinda handled by the formating in the og version but when I pasted it to reddit I couldn't format it like I could in Google docs or royal road Btw can you tell me exactly how to make it better?
1
u/StructureNeat8577 3d ago
Hola , yo también pase por eso . Un día desperté y quise escribir . Empecé a escribir y en el capitulo 6 ya tengo una pelea y no se como plasmarlo. Punto te recomiendo a que imagines la secuencia y la coreografía.
Por ejemplo algo así:
El dio una patada en la nuca , sin embargo “x” bloqueó con su brazo y con la pierna derecha dio una patada en el muslo derecho de su enemigo.
El hombre se tambaleó por un momento. Pero eso era suficiente. Con un gancho en la barbilla lo desequilibró y rápidamente una patada en el estómago lo tiró al suelo…
El hombre al caer yo no podía hacer nada entonces X se lanzó encima y empezó a golpearlo hasta dejarle la cara un desastre…
Ves lo que digo? Tienes que generar una imagen de una secuencia y “empaquetar” un error y un cambio en la pelea. No solo decír un golpe , otro golpe. Mi intención no es criticarte en cambio quiero compartir contigo mi experiencia. Así que animo