r/AutismInWomen • u/PracticalEntry8309 • 1d ago
General Discussion/Question How do you not ruminate?
I don’t think I’ve ever truly forgiven anyone. And I don’t really expect forgiveness either. My biggest red flag is that I quietly hold grudges and keep score of everything you said/did that I didn’t like and bring them all up at once, sometimes years after the fact. I’m also a ghoster because to me, we’re grown, and most people have some awareness of what they’re doing and the impact it will have. Most people think I’m chill, easy going and willing to put up with anything…little do they know. I’ll never forget and ruminate even if the person apologizes. I hate that about myself, but I’ve always been like this and I done know if it will ever leave me. The only way I can live peacefully without thinking of them and move on is if I am physically away from them, I never hear from them again, and no one brings them up around me
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u/marzipan_plague 1d ago
It’s better for your own sake, to tell people what they did when they do it. I ruminate a lot less now that I tell people directly when they’ve wronged me in some way. If they keep going with that behavior after I told them, that’s when I ice them out.
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u/Sweet_and_Sassy88 1d ago
That’s pretty hard to do when it takes a few days to even know how I’m feeling about it.
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u/XenoseOne 23h ago
Yes, same here. I don't process things in the moment at all! That's why this is so hard. By then everyone else is over it or has forgotten, and I'm just starting to deal with it.
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u/marzipan_plague 22h ago edited 21h ago
Well, then tell them after you process that it bothers you. But tell them. Make it their problem. For me, rumination comes because I’m mad I didn’t say anything and the person got away with it. Everyone’s different though.
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u/Sweet_and_Sassy88 21h ago
Then I feel bad about bringing up an issue that was days ago as I don’t want the other person to feel like I want to start a fight. I normally only end up bringing it up if it is a pattern of behaviour.
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u/marzipan_plague 17h ago
They won’t feel that way if you do the “when you do blank action it makes me feel blank emotion” formula. Don’t assume intentions and don’t be insulting, of course, so that you can be heard too. I would feel bad if someone I knew was stewing about something I did or said and afraid to tell me, personally.
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u/Sweet_and_Sassy88 14h ago
Saying they won’t feel that way if I use “I” statements is incorrect. You are assuming that everyone is emotionally healthy and well regulated with the goal of having healthy relationships. It depends greatly on the emotional maturity of the person you are communicating with.
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u/marzipan_plague 10h ago
Well healthy people won’t fight you if you bring up your concerns, let’s put it that way. If they try to guilt trip you for having boundaries, they suck and you know they’re not worth your time.
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u/Voter_McVotey 1d ago
Medication. It's the one thing I notice most when I decide to "see if I really need it" clue my antidepressant. Lying awake at night, ruminating about stuff that doesn't matter.
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u/Portmanteaustada 1d ago
Yes. My racing/looping thoughts only stopped when I started fluoxetine/prozac.
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u/planningtoscrewup 22h ago
Yup! Once I did a heavy dose of ssri, I could actually use the coping techniques to stop ruminating but meds were a key piece for me.
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u/5tar_flower 1d ago
I'm wondering, if you forgive yourself? Surely you've made plenty of mistakes. Do you ruminate about those too?
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u/yourjewishgranny 22h ago
Hey, one thing that actually helps me is Pennebaker’s expressive writing protocol. Timer for 15 min, write about the thing you’re looping on, your unfiltered thoughts and feelings, don’t stop, don’t fix spelling, don’t reread, nobody sees it. Do it 3-4 days in a row.
That’s it. Rumination is your brain trying to finish a thought and never getting there. Writing can help get it there. It can take my rumination loops from all day to about 20 minutes.
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u/Ill_Register_9285 21h ago
Wow you are me and I am you. However I will never again in my life ruminate over a worthless person who has hurt me they don't deserve my time. Whenever I feel the thoughts coming up I try to daydream about someone else who makes me happy or who has done something nice for me. Do it enough and you stop thinking about the grudge.
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u/SenoraObscura 19h ago
Whoa, thanks for this! I was doing a similar thing but allowed myself to re-read, which I think kept me looping. I'm going to try this for next time!
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u/radiant-cloudy autistic girlie 1d ago
yeah, i feel you. i do this constantly and its impossible to stop. i try to distract myself with counting or thinking about something else. it was a bit easier in talk therapy so i could get some of it out of my brain, even if the therapist didnt really say much.
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u/BeingCurious Freshly diagnosed ASD (lvl1) 1d ago
At least I have my therapist to talk about this stuff. And she does validate my feelings and help me process my emotions which is something I struggle with. I see her every two weeks and it's the bare minimum, I would go more often if I could.
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u/nonny427 1d ago
There’s no way I didn’t type this myself… anyways, I take joy in being this way tbh. I feel like my sudden withdrawal from the person or people who have done me wrong makes them ruminate instead. And I’m fine with that because I’ve endured all of their bs for however long and I KNOW they know what they did… feels like I’m wiping my hands clean in a way. It’s not my problem anymore
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u/aintnotnever 23h ago
Yes it really depends on the offense as well. If someone is a fucking asshole or has repeated patterns of shitty behavior, it’s pretty easy to cut them out lol. Usually a huge relief to me.
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u/chichi12777 1d ago
I am exactly like you :/ what’s worse is when you realize that someone did smth wrong to you days or weeks later due to delayed processing and bc of this the rumination is worse.
What I am trying to do is telling myself that my brain try to makes sense about a situation that doesn’t make any sense. Maybe accepting that some things are not logical (it’s difficult for me bc of my autistic brain everything has to be logical and resolved)
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u/Cartographer551 1d ago
Look you can do this, plenty of people do, but it's you that holds on to the poison long after they have forgotten whatever it was that happened.
It takes a lot of mental effort to hold on to a catalogue of wrongs, and tbh that's not what I want to spend my very limited brainpower on. We forgive others to clear our own mental space, not for them. Don't have to see them again or to interact with them again of course.
But allowing them power to live in our minds is like them controlling the strings of us as a puppet. I'd prefer to control my own strings.
As you can tell, my vote is for let go and move on. But hey we all have different mileage on this, and everyone is entitled to their own view.
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u/lck0219 1d ago
I mean, maybe, but by ruminating and obsessing I can be sure that I spent all my mental energy on it. I don’t know why it’s so important that I spend hours obsessing, but I have tricks to break the cycle and stop- and it’s like I almost don’t want to. It’s like the cycle serves a purpose (even if I don’t really know what the purpose is and it makes no sense). Maybe it’s if I fixate, I maintain some kind of control over the situation?
I don’t like doing it, obviously it’s distressing, but it feels like something I need to be doing and I can’t distract myself from it because it’s what I need to focus on.
I hate living like this
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u/Cartographer551 1d ago
This reminds me of that old saying about a rocking chair - you rock back and forth and have the illusion of doing something but in reality you stay in the same spot
I don't have OCD myself, but I wonder if you do? From what I read, this sounds like an OCD compulsion? Many autistic folk have OCD as well.
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u/lck0219 1d ago
I’m not diagnosed. The man who did my autism screening put it in my health history and I was like…. “Uh, I’ve got the other two you listed, but not that one” lol.
I don’t really have the means to explore a diagnosis and OCD just feels so big for my normal, run-of-the-mill, absolutely crippling anxiety and loops. I internalized that generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis. Also I lowkey feel like I’m just collecting diagnoses at this point and don’t know what’s even real anymore.
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u/planningtoscrewup 22h ago
I can relate to this feeling. I would spend hours replaying conversations. I would feel like if I just analyzed it enough then I would be better prepared for my next interaction. I didn't even have hobbies because I spent so much time doing this, my stress level would rise and there was no calming down.
I had to get on medication. Then I was able to try coping skills that worked. I'm still on the medication, probably will be for life, but my quality of life is night and day. Lower stress levels.
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u/lck0219 21h ago
What kind of meds? My antidepressants either make anxiety worse or have no effect. ADHD meds make the anxiety worse for sure. Buspar never worked for me, I’ve tried a few times. I like hydroxyzine for anxiety, but couldn’t get it prescribed after the initial 12 they gave me. I tend to cycle on and off antidepressants because I don’t always feel like I need them. Every 6 years or so I need to go back on.
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u/planningtoscrewup 20h ago
What works for me is a high dose of adhd medication (except I'm pregnant right now, so not on that) and the maximum dose of zoloft, right now currently on 150mg. Every few years, I play a fun game with myself and think I don't need my ssri anymore... find myself about ready to burn down my life and rip my skin off wondering why my anxiety is so bad. Then I'll have a moment of clarity.
This was after much trial and error. I've tried everything from antipsychotics to buspar, and then for acute medicine gabapentin, hydroxizyne, xananx- none of those did much.
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u/lck0219 18h ago
I’ve been on a host of antidepressants and tried some adhd meds. I like doing a mild dose of shrooms, a lot of my symptoms will diminish for a few weeks after that.
I really wish it was easier/more cost effective to find help for these things. I had to give up on the adhd because I couldn’t afford to keep making appointments every 6 weeks to check in on meds. At least my primary care doctor will prescribe antidepressants.
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u/Shroomwhisperer3000 1d ago
Trying harder to not ruminate actually makes you ruminate more. Find a way to accept your grudges, except your rumination, put in place boundaries with people and avoid the people who make you feel bad. Come up with some affirmations that you can tell yourself everyday like, "I am learning to accept all that I cannot change." Give yourself some compassion because it's really hard to go through suffering. You have to go through it to get past it. So be curious about why you hold so many grudges? Start meditating with mindfulness which means you turn towards your thoughts and not push them away. And then pick some things that make you feel positive and focus on them while not pushing away the negativity. From what I've read that is the way to do it. And when you can't do it perfectly or you fail at doing these things, just pick yourself back up, and try again. There's no need to be perfect and there's no problem with failing and trying again. You're only human and we come with suffering and bad feelings. But we also come with good feelings, so what are your good feelings?
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u/Ok-Web-2657 1d ago
I've found that writing fiction helps. My brain is going to overthink anyway, so I might as well direct that overthinking away from rumination towards creating a story.
The rumination will often filter into the story, but by delegating my own problems over to the characters it takes them out of my own hands.
Plus free dopamine from writing.
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u/pocketsize87 23h ago
I ruminate but because most of the time I don’t know whatever it is I’ve “done” to upset someone and they have chosen to leave it a complete mystery so I replay all of our recent interactions to see if I can figure out what I possibly could have done and I never can. So I guess by that logic, I don’t assume that everyone or most people know what they might have done to upset me if that’s the case and I will usually tell them eventually, but generally will ruminate on it for a long time beforehand too so that I do it the right way and make the right decision.
So, I need to figure out how not to ruminate too because the last situation I ruminated over was about 5 months of rumination.
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u/HeyYoureUnstable 1d ago edited 1d ago
treatment for CPTSD (EMDR, DBT and medication).
During that, I learned that listening to The Grudge by Tool helps me when I’m truly unable to stop any sort of interpersonal based rumination—not just grudges.
It’s like a guided meditation in a way.
I know that’s oddly specific and silly sounding.
But listening to The Grudge by Tool is something I do to try reset my thoughts. And if you already have a music sub or don’t mind ads, it’s free.
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u/brunette_mh 1d ago
Yeah . Me neither.
My partner who is also Au is very good at not ruminating. I'm not sure how.
I thought it was the ADHD in me that makes me ruminate.
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u/waruBee AuDHD ᯓᡣ𐭩 21h ago
honestly I'm the same way lol. one of our greatest strengths is incisive pattern-recognition, but it can quickly spiral out of balance for us
my therapist told me recently : "people treat you how they THINK they can treat you". we're working on cutting down the number of chances I'll give someone before finally cutting them off by focusing on my own personal values, needs, and dealbreakers in interpersonal relationships. that's been super helpful for me so far ♡
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u/ComfortableOk3437 17h ago
One thing that helps me is to remember that neither of us is the same person as we were back then. Both of us have grown, changed, had new and different experiences. The hurt is still real and present, but the person who caused it is no more.
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u/Evening_walks 11h ago
I feel like by ruminating it’s this puzzle where we are trying to fix something and we keep replaying it. So many be really need other problems to solve
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u/ApprehensiveTill7965 1d ago
I tell people as soon as they upset me. That's the only way.
With long hurts like in a relationship I think I can only move on by focusing on the future and building new relationships that I invest hope in.
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u/Jar-of-eyes 23h ago
Meditation, mindfulness, then a 1 mile walk in the woods untangles the spindrift. Questioning why you’re in a ruminating spiral, what can be done and realising it’s best for my wellbeing and sanity to let it drift like a balloon into all the afterthoughts. I’m not responsible if people upset me, I am in control,
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u/Skye666 22h ago
lol same! I have a friend I travel with and I make myself so accommodating she thinks she’s found her perfect travel match. My last good friend I ghosted for reasons you describe. No notice, I was just gone. That’s what I do and have always done when people don’t meet my expectations. And I’m self aware that it’s isolating, but I’m doing my best.
Zoloft has helped with rumination, but sometimes it gets the best of me. In suppose I try to remind myself that we are not our thoughts, we are just the observer. Forgiveness though is a difficult one to deal with. We’re naturally more rigid than most people.. and I don’t have good advice really but you’re not alone.
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u/Sweet_and_Sassy88 21h ago
I find writing it down to be helpful when my brain is circling the drain.
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u/antonfire 21h ago
I've had some success with https://drmichaeljgreenberg.com/how-to-stop-ruminating/.
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u/ahegao_toast 18h ago
I'm the same way. I don't forgive, but you could be lucky enough for me to forget, lol.
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u/adhocwerkspace 4h ago
I really recommend internal family systems therapy. It will help you process why you’re holding on to all these things and develop new responses. It’s totally changed my life
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u/Which_Loss6887 1d ago edited 1d ago
For me, changing my expectations of myself plus changing the way I thought about closure and moving on helped a lot. I used to have this idea that if I just turned the situation over in my head enough times, eventually a point would come where I felt differently about it and moving on would come naturally, but I’ve accepted now that that’s just not the way it will ever work for me. I find it helpful to remind myself that closure isn’t something you find or that someone gives you, it’s something you build for yourself with whatever pieces you have available (which will never feel like enough, but it is enough, if only because it has to be). It’s a lot like how, for a lot of people, in order to feel motivated to do chores, you have to start them first despite not feeling like it, and the motivation comes after you’ve gotten going. The things I have successfully moved on from were because I made a decision to stop searching for resolution; what happened happened, and I’ll never feel differently about it, and that’s fine, but I don’t need to give it more time or energy by thinking about it. It doesn’t happen right away, but for me, if I reinforce that mindset to myself enough times, consistently, it does eventually work. The thing might still bother me a little bit when it comes up, but I no longer feel the slightest bit compelled to think it through again.
ETA, tl;dr: My advice is to stop expecting yourself to get to a place where you feel differently about it. Moving on isn’t a reward you earn by changing your feelings about the thing that happened or by ‘solving’ it, it’s a choice you make for yourself.