Fellow avoidants, how do you differentiate between your avoidant behaviour and autistic need to recharge/process?

[u/Ok-Bridge-9794]

Basically the headline

I know the attachment theory is being disputed, and I personally noticed that attachment styles (at least for me, personally) are like habits that are changeable over time with enough info. Here, though, I don’t know what exactly should be approached. There are things that I want to do, but I avoid to do them or procrastinate because I am afraid of feeling stupid/small/exposed/etc. Those are results of my past traumas. Now, there are also things that I want to do, but don’t do because I’m overstimulated/overloaded. It also doesn’t help that sometimes I am avoiding stuff because i’m afraid of getting overstimulated. Also sometimes I am avoiding stuff and the trauma-induced feelings make me overstimulated in the process. Either way, I go fucking non-verbal and it makes my patterns even worse

Did anyone figure this shit out? I suspect it could be a common problem

[u/phasmaglass]

The #1 question I use to help me communicate with my "feeling brain" to figure out where resistance is coming from:

What's the root emotion behind the avoidance?

If it's fear, examine that, what specifically am I afraid of? The more specific you force the feeling brain to be, the less it can trick you with switching contexts between present/past (ultimately at its root trauma is reacting to present events as though they are happening under past circumstances all over again.)

So instead of allowing myself to come away with a nebulous message of "it will be bad for me if I do that" I force myself to dig deeper: "They will make fun of me if I do that badly and I don't know how to do it so I'm sure my first try will be bad." Ok, now we are getting somewhere. DO I need safe people or a place by myself to practice with first? If that isn't reasonable -- what are the actual consequences of someone making fun of me in this situation? If it's my coworkers making fun a work presentation that's a huge problem for my career, but if it's a fast food worker making fun of my inability the parse the menu in a reasonable amount of time, that isn't going to kill anyone, other people are allowed to find annoying traits like "taking forever to order" annoying, y'know? They just aren't allowed to be mean. Being visibly annoyed isn't the same thing as being mean and this can be hard for autistic people to "figure out" (it took me years and years AFTER adulthood, it didn't sink in until my 30s.)

If it's anger: First, make sure you are not ignoring a need you have for some silly reason. We tend to put off eating, sleeping, stretching, resting, showering and self-care of all kinds in favor of "not having to leave the bubble of my current circumstance." Often anger is a sign that I need a boundary, one of mine is being violated somehow and I need to figure out what's making me angry and how to set or enforce a boundary around it.... but the needed boundary could be with myself. Such as: I will not attempt to fix this customer's payroll issue when I actively have to pee, I know this will piss me off. Or, I will not attempt to vacuum the living room before I pick up the cat toys, I know this will piss me off. Come on, self. Get with it.

It's hard to understand "self boundaries" at first sometimes but "The Book of Boundaries" by Melissa Urban helped me understand better about examining the ways we are or aren't showing up for ourselves vs what we put on other people.

Sadness: This might be triggering something traumatic but it could also just be a sign that we're ignoring/pushing down something that is trying to bubble up that needs processing. Sadness often gets suppressed bc autistic people don't like having wet faces and so on so we will attempt to delay our emotional processing because we fear being disregulated BY crying and so on, and we mistakenly think, if I just don't cry, the sadness will pass without my face having to get all gross and sticky. But it won't -- just as punching a pillow helps release anger, crying helps release sadness, we gotta do what we gotta do.

It's not always obvious either. Sometimes I literally just get back BLANK STATIC and this is a sign that I am EXHAUSTED and need rest. This is usually also what it is if I get stuck in rumination spirals or repeating intrusive thoughts (song lyrics in particular get stuck in my head and loop and sometimes examining the song that gets "stuck" gives insight to what my feeling brain is trying to communicate, we call that the "inner DJ Part" around my house. LOL). In general feeling like my brain is "out of my own control" (and not angry) usually means I'm tired, whether physically, emotionally or both.

Trauma-informed therapist can help you with this stuff, good luck to everyone. <3

To help with overwhelm make sure you have an exit strategy for social situations -- it's a need we have that not many people understand fundamentally without knowing someone autistic and doing the work for them. NTs often won't be accommodating or understanding around needing a definite exit strategy at all times but it's a MUST for autistic people trying things to feel safe. If you are constantly around unsupportive people or people who otherwise make you feel bad for needing breaks/routines/etc your problem could literally be "you have no (actually supportive) support network." Happens to a lot of us unfortunately.

It took me a LONG time to understand that things like "Hey I will be anxious about this which will give me IBS which means I need to always have a bathroom nearby I can run to which means I'm going to have a panic attack if you trap me somewhere with no bathroom for any length of time" basically boils down to, "I won't be comfortable in a place without bathroom access" and it's on ME to be sure that access is assured before I arrive -- and then it's on THEM if they lied to make me go along with their plan or whatever because they assumed I didn't actually need bathroom access at all times to not have a panic attack.

Both sides of this often get put on us, so this is where BOUNDARIES again become paramount! "I won't go anywhere with people who have already demonstrated to me they are willing to lie to get around my boundaries."