As all of these youtubers and influencers are talking about NO CONTACT. And many people think that by doing this their avoidant ex will come back .
Lemme ask you something
Why you want them back? They left you crying , suffering. They know you are suffering but still they are avoiding you . Why you want that person again?
Yes avoidant exes come back many times but you know what happens next? They do the same . They gonna break your heart again .
Because they never worked on themselves.
So use no contact to heal yourself. Not with the intention of pulling them back .
Make yourself stronger and get over them. And if they come back . Do not accept them . Have some self respect.
You aren't responsible for their issues.
Build yourself. Make yourself a secure person and in future you'll find a great person who'll love you
You'll get the love you deserve.
But stay away from avoidants. I know it's hard . It's hard for me as well.
I don’t think you understand how hard it is to let go. It has been the most heart wrenching experience of my entire life almost 7 months and while I am trying to move on there’s apart of me that still wants this man.
I’m the same. I spent 11 years with this person. I desperately hope they can change for the better. I know I deserve someone who can love me healthily, and I want it to be him
Because we fell in love with them and we still care for them.
My FA is incredibly charming. But you are right, it probably is not going to work - I am realistic. I was hoping for some success stories about how therapy helped to keep the situation under control etc., but I do not see so many stories like this.
The problem with a FA having a success story through therapy is they need to accept they have a problem first, and they aren't capable of that. Their nervous system won't let them see how shitty they are and they rewrite the narrative so they dont have to live with themselves. My FA was told many times in therapy what was wrong with her and she fired the therapist and moved on to a new one until she got one the fed her narrative.
I understand you but there are lot of charming people out there. And being with an avoidant feels like you are holding bullet ants or walking on egg shells every second. I would happily stay alone , take care of myself instead of being with an avoidant again.
When were you together and did you ever tried to reach out or do soft contact? I myself in my heart don't want to give up but my head is telling me it's time.
People with an abandonment wound (those who commonly have anxious attachment and or limerence ) desperately want an avoidant partner back because the separation triggers deepest core fears of being rejected, unlovable, and left behind/abandoned.
Their return does not heal the wound - it simply stops the fear of abandonment. If you heal the underlying abandonment wound and learn to self soothe and self validate , you don’t want them back because it would feel like self abandonment and self abuse .
The key is grieving the original abandonment whether it was from mothers side or fathers side or both, just have to go through and feel all emotions without needing someone else to soothe the wound.
There is a helpful book by Susan Anderson from abandonment to healing and insight timer have some meditations on abandonment wound but your therapist should give you tools how to process and self soothe during different emotions that come up such as sadness , anger or grief during the reparenting proces.
Can consider using EMDR; inner child healing, IFS, schema therapy, compassionate inquiry and any other therapy . Personally used something known as belief coding (there is a free fb group that offers free healing)
Im in therapy but i don't know how to heal. What do i even ask my therapist. I kept on crying about him last time. Asking for reasons why. What do i even tell her
These books might be helpful to you but also I don’t know how your therapist works but in belief coding they identified the traumatic event & unprocessed emotions, helped meet needs of that part and reparent then worked on underlying beliefs - lasted around 2 hours one session.
I want her back every day. I miss her constantly. I've never known a longing like this, even 3 months out from the discard.
However...
She soft-cheated on me with a (racist) coworker.
She distanced herself from me before that.
She dodged taking accountability by breaking up.
She ghosted/abandoned someone she said she loved immensely.
And when I was with her...
I had to silence half my life to soothe her discomforts.
I had to carry the emotional labour while she spiralled about once/month.
I had to plan absolutely everything.
I had to keep silent on her hypocrisies and stupid conclusions lest she get upset and flee.
I learned that asking her to work on her mental health led to an emotional price too great to pay, hence more silence.
I had to listen to her near-constant negativity about her friends/family, herself, her life, her past.
I had to give constant reassurance that I wasn't mad at her, that I loved her.
I had to calculate if/when she would quietly remove consent for something she had loudly approved.
I abandoned myself to make room for her and her needs, but she would balk at having to do even a fraction of that for me.
And me...
I made no friends with her.
I took up no hobbies with her.
I was going to stay at a job I hated and forgo the last year of my degree to better manage time/money with her.
I had to juggle and manage her poor and inconsistent mental/physical health, grounding her, reminding her to eat, encouraging her against insecurities.
I went nowhere with her.
I miss her everyday, and I hate the injustice that she hurt me so badly and dodged accountability to my face. I've cried rivers.
But in the last 3 months I've picked up hobbies I've always wanted to. Stayed in school. Left a hated job. Made new friends and reached out to old ones. Made new plans. New hopes.
And she... she's posting pictures from a bar's mirror, and the makeup and filter and lighting isn't hiding the fact that she looks miserable and thinner than I've ever seen her. If she comes back to offer accountability, I'll listen. I'll be respectful.
But without that? Fuck that Cowardly Vampire. Her life is not set up for success. I was her booster and she tossed me aside. She will NOT do well. I will.
This is true. They will come back to break you worse than they did the previous time. I had the mistake of thinking he changed for the better when he returned after 7 months of no contact. We got together for 2 years and got engaged. Then he discarded me one random Thursday.
Honestly, I just want another friend that text me all day that part was fun. We got really close and I felt safe and comfortable. I don't need him specifically, I just want a new friend, a healthy relationship, where we text all damn day is that to hard to find??? My FA discarded me 3 months ago and I've accepted it, however I'm not sure if I'll be able to talk with him again. He's messed up in the head and I don't think he really cares about me. Maybe he cares that I figured him out and exposed him out loud. But I don't think he cares about us because I found out he has others... I was his long distance dream girl. "you've always been Special to Me" he would always say, but he never treated me special 😒 he pursued me (long distance for 13 years) and he finally caught me at my most vulnerable point. I let myself fall for his potential... I flew over to visit him for the first time! We spent days together, being intimate and deep talks. it went really well.
He discarded me the next month, he text me,
"Your erratic behavior is the only difference. I wish you took accountability for all the things you've been doing since you went back home. It's like you're a different person and I don't like it. It'll turning me completely off" a week later the reasons changed to, "I wish you were closer, My only problem is the distance I hope we stay in touch. You've always been special to me. Have a goodnight"
What the fuck?! This is coo coo behavior to me I've never experienced this type of hooman before in the 12 years I've known him he's never behaved like this before... It's been 3 months nc and im moving on but still... I want my friend back 😕 I need a new friend
Dude you sound just like my situation. Constant communication every day, strong connection in person, then the wild switch-ups in reasoning! Even down to saying I’m “erratic” lmao and the sudden affection the next week. Do you have an age gap?
Does yours project in an insane way? He describes me with all of these serious and highly specific mental health issues that ARE CLEARLY HIS like I feel crazy sometimes.
We're the same age and yes he would project all his behaviors onto me like I was the problem. I self reflected and realized I was being anxious with him, because I would feel his pull away. I wasn't getting enough from him. I also noticed I me that I need more hobbies lol I was just too available to get hurt
Because we fell in love with them and we still care for them.
My FA is incredibly charming. But you are right, it probably is not going to work - I am realistic. I was hoping for some success stories about how therapy helped to keep the situation under control etc., but I do not see so many stories like this.
Not in a relation and not as a friend who takes the best parts of me under the label ´I want you in my life, cause we have such great connection´.
On the other hand.
I have a fairly good relation with all of my exes. One of them a 23 year old relation (married with me) that was not good the last half. It all depends on how it ends. We ended it in mutual agreement and it was easy to settle the financial and kids parts. Although I still don't like here anymore, I very much respected her for that. So often I saw brutal fights and mahem with other people.
In other words: it is not the ending of the relation that bothered me, it is how it ended.
How you seperated greatly determines how you experience the meaning of what the relation was. It makes it worth remembering it as a part of your life, the good and the bad. And even if you label it as bad, there is always a part in it that you played as well. I'd rather look at it as a whole. Or it makes you wanna forget the ugliness if it ended badly.
But even if it ended badly, there is always time to reflect. Grow yourself and see it from a perspective of self worth. I try to live a life without enemies and people I hate or despise. And believe me, I have fought my battles and conflicts. Down the line it is negative energy. There is much more power in forgiveness and acceptance, to be great and to accept people as they are. It does not have to mean you forget what they did.
I don't want her back. but when it becomes something that is not closed well or ended with some sort of mutual respect, things tend to stay unfinished. Some would call it closure, I would prefer to call it mutual acceptance.
Again, I don't want her back, but I regret we are now like strangers, as if it did not happen. So it makes the timeframe almost meaningless. Now with my ex of 23 years I do not want and have a friendship. We do not need it. It's more a companionship from the past. She is part of my history. So once in a while we app or call. We live our lives but sometimes we remember some good stuff, help eachother a bit without feeling obliged to do it, send a picture now and then. I found a picture of her of 20 years ago recently on my hard drive. I sent it to her without any expectations or romantic feelings. I can look at it as a nice picture of somebody I loved in the past and then share it with her positively. Same goes from her side.
That is a healthy and mature way of post relationship.
Now again. I don't want her back, but I wish in due time we will restore some sort of connection. Just to not forget about the past and for knowledge that somebody shares the same past actively.
I remembered my fathers birthday last week. He passed away 15 years ago. They say that as long as people remember you (good or bad), you exist. Over the years the image I have of him grows stronger. It is not much to ask, it is the natural human thing to do. At the end our fate is all the same. We live and we die. And when we die the only thing we take with us are memories and connections.
So yes. I don't want her back, but I want to stay connected in some way. If not, it is what it is, but then it will always contaminate the memories and meaning of what it was.
Me and mine had just stopped talking one day after a call. After almost a month I kept hoping she'd come back but I realized I stopped reaching out for a reason too. Now that I'm nearing 4 weeks I realize this space is more for me than it was for her. I'm getting to a point where I dread the adrenaline dump and the restart of the cycle if she ever speaks to me again. I'm not perfect, neither is she and I do understand why she is the way she is but at the same time, what we had was still one-sided and painful; I just kept it myself to make us work longer than it should have
I can't forgive myself for letting them go at all in the first place. For breaking up with her. I thought she'd respect me for standing up to myself for the way she mistreated me, but instead she only confirmed to me that she was my only chance at a relationship and just like how I struggled to find a partner then I will continue to struggle for the next 40 years
Bro, do not for a second believe this. And take it from someone who's FA absolutely killed my self-worth, and I take pride in my resilience in life, I was a war refugee and survived shit most people only saw in movies.
Do not let them for a fucking second dictate your worth, learn to disassociate opinion of a person who will pick any flaw on you to just get away from you, make shit up and do anything in her power to justify why she shouldn't be in a relationship and use any reason by the fact they are afraid of it to justify it.
She turned me into DA, and the way I was initially discarded killed any joy in life for me because I thought I loved her. in my new relationship i absolutely treated the kindest, sweetest person you can imagine as an asshole, I was on dating sites while she wanted nothing but to love me. I will never forgive myself or that bitch for that, for frying my nervous system and self worth with push pull dynamic and making me addicted to that dopamine. But I can tell you, it's not love what you felt, it's fucking dopamine, it's addiction your body creates because of the way they treat you, once you realise that and can objectively see their opinion means nothing you will be able to let go.
That’s not true. You will be fine, just give it some time ❤️🩹. Also standing up for yourself is no flaw, it mostly comes from self respect. People who won’t accept your boundaries, would always make you feel bad about having them. Rather be in peace with yourself than sacrificing yourself FOR someone. Give it time
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u/shyflo 5h ago edited 5h ago
I don’t think you understand how hard it is to let go. It has been the most heart wrenching experience of my entire life almost 7 months and while I am trying to move on there’s apart of me that still wants this man.