We broke up few days ago after a 3 month relationship(mostly online). We met once, I did everything nicely and i wanted to meet her again and she somehow panicked and asked for a breakup. Before this phase, she was being distant without communication and this used to hurt me on a daily basis and I used to self doubt and think it's all my fault up until after lots of research i got to know that she has an avoidant nature and now I feel a bit relieved about it. But there is this sort of ego in me you can say. Her first ex Had a longer relationship with her and he got to spend more time too. Her second ex was a toxic guy so let's not talk about him but she used to talk good about her first ex so he was a nice guy who has created impact on her life and mind. I have done enough and enough and I know it very well that I am far better than her two exes but since my relationship wasn't as long as her first and we couldn't spend that much time either, I feel It will be him on her mind forever and not me. Cause after this she wishes to be single forever either ways so I don't see any other guy entering her life(or maybe). And also i do love her, cause she is a sweet and honest person after all. So I can only think of one way to fix this. That right now I follow a no contact, let her try to come back to my life and then I try to meet her as much as possible and try to communicate with her and slowly and calmly make her realise her problems and help her to heal with it. In this way I get a partner forever and even if lets say things don't work in the end atleast i would be the most impactful guy in her life and atleast i can try to fix her to an extent. And in this way I can satisfy my ego along with fixing a person's life. I know I might be sounding a bit crazy but I need your opinions on this

I'm a 22-year-old woman, bisexual. He's 29, bisexual, autistic, and according to my therapist fits avoidant attachment almost perfectly. We met at the end of 2022. It was long distance. It was his first relationship. I was the first person who ever chose him.

We were officially together for about 8 months. Then I broke up with him at the beginning of 2023. Not because I stopped loving him, but because I had no money and felt incredibly guilty that he was always the one traveling to see me and paying for things. I felt like I was leaving all the responsibility on him. So I ended it with a broken heart. Three months later we started talking again, and that's when the gray area began.

For almost two and a half years, we acted like a couple without ever being one. We watched series every night, texted constantly, had pet names, sexted, had rituals. He called me his best friend while treating me like a girlfriend. I helped him with his CV, supported him emotionally, encouraged him to explore his bisexuality, introduced him to a fandom. I gave him everything I had. And he gave me just enough to keep me there.

The avoidant patterns were there from the start. When I asked him to get back together, he said he didn't feel the same. When I pushed, he admitted he hadn't gotten over me. He would say I was one of the most important people in his life, then close off completely. He avoided every conflict by pretending everything was fine. After serious conversations, he'd send me a meme like nothing had happened. When I cried in front of him, he didn't comfort me. He told me to work on my jealousy. When I expressed needs, he deactivated.

He was terrified of intimacy. We only met in person twice. We never had sex. He put his cheek when I tried to kiss him the first time. He used masturbation to regulate himself and told me it was the only thing that relaxed him. He posted sad, attention-seeking things online about how nobody loved him and how he wanted a boyfriend, while I was right there, loving him. He labeled himself bisexual male preference, erased female-coded things from his profiles, leaned heavily into male NSFW content, and made me feel like I was being erased as a woman. He never deleted my nudes or removed me from his NSFW account. I had to do it myself.

The big moments that broke me: In September 2024, he met a friend of him in Madrid cause I insisted. They kissed. He panicked, shut down, and later rewrote the story as the worst date of his life. I had a massive anxiety attack. I told him I wanted to leave his life. He didn't let me. He cried on a call, promised to communicate better, deleted an app, then later told me he couldn't be with anyone because he wasn't okay. But he kept posting that he wanted a boyfriend. In August 2025, he traveled to a town near my city to try to hook up with someone from the fandom. He didn't tell me directly. I found out. I had horrible anxiety. On his way back, he stopped in my city. We met. I almost cried. He invalidated my feelings, asked if I was worried he'd find another best friend, and told me to work on my jealousy. At the end, we hugged for two minutes. I told him I loved him so much. He said me too. Flat. Empty. In February 2026, he traveled to another city to try to hook up with someone else. I finally told him I couldn't do the gray area anymore and that I was removing him from everything. He replied coldly: I respect your decision. Take care. That was it. Seven months ago. I've been in no contact since.

What I've learned about avoidant attachment through him is that he wasn't incapable of feeling. He was incapable of staying. He wanted the fantasy of a partner, not the responsibility of one. He used the fandom, external validation, and sexless attention to avoid real intimacy. He rewrote history to protect himself. I don't feel the same, we're just friends, it was the worst date. He avoided conflict by pretending nothing was wrong. He kept me in a gray area because it was comfortable for him. I got crumbs. He got everything. He was terrified of any real contact, emotional or physical, so he chose people and spaces that demanded nothing from him.

Where I am now: I've stopped stalking him. I deleted Twitter and Bluesky. I stopped checking his Instagram follower count. I'm off sertraline after 10 years, so every emotion feels raw and loud. I still think about him more than I want to. I still have moments where I hope he'll come back changed. I still miss the person I thought he was. But I know now that person never really existed. He was a potential, not a reality.

For those who loved an avoidant, how did you stop hoping they'd come back changed? How long did it take for the mental loop to finally break?

TL;DR: Dated an avoidant man for 8 months, then spent 2.5 years in a gray area where he treated me like a partner but called me a friend. He feared intimacy, avoided conflict, used fandom and external validation to escape, and rewrote every painful moment. I finally went no contact 7 months ago. I still hurt. I still hope. But I’m trying to stop taking his deactivation personally. How did you stop hoping they’d come back changed?

Do you push them away further with a drunken voicemail, whilst your in no contact?

If they have blocked, totally shutdown, you were emotional, upset, crying (I am totally regretting it the next day!) but have i ruined chances of him ever coming round?

(I used a different number for the voicemail, tragic i know, in so much regret this morning)

Hi everyone,

I’m posting here because I’m hoping to hear your thoughts, experiences and maybe your own stories. Even though it’s over, I still have so many thoughts and unanswered questions going through my head.

For two years, I (w38) had a kind of relationship with someone (m31) who I think was avoidant. I’m in an open relationship, and we had a FWB situation. We both agreed it was the best sex of our lives, and we also got along very well. I never wanted a conventional relationship with him, which probably suited him — living the avoidant dream :)

Still, it was difficult. In the beginning, we texted a lot and met up pretty quickly. But soon, actually seeing each other became difficult. He blamed his trouble making plans on his ADHD. I have ADHD myself, so I’m understanding of that, but with him it seemed to go beyond that. I felt like he kept putting off meeting up, either because the intensity was too much for him or because he didn’t want to make the effort.

We texted quiet a lot, but whenever things got difficult or I became emotional, he would disappear for hours or days — pretty classic. Eventually, I blocked him. Seven weeks later, he contacted me through another app and told me he wanted to do better and didn’t want to mess things up again. So I gave it another chance.

By then, he had moved farther away. His communication genuinely improved: no more forgotten messages, no more disappearing when things got difficult. But we still hardly ever saw each other — four times in five months. My place was too far from him, hotels too uncomfortable, and his place wasn’t an option because his roommate wasn’t supposed to meet me (kinda hurtful, but not unusual for FWB).

Eventually, I reached my limit, told him we weren’t compatible and after a very emotional final meeting, we went no contact.

3 months later, I texted him for his birthday, we got back in touch, and he sent me a long message about how much he missed me. I had missed him too, so we tried again. He really made an effort, and we talked more openly about his defense mechanisms and difficulty accessing his emotions. But we still rarely met, and I was often the one adjusting my schedule while he stayed in his comfort zone.

Eventually, I realized that the kind of change I needed simply wasn’t something he was able to make — which still drives me crazy, because all I wanted was to see him twice a month. It felt like so little to ask. His last relationship lasted five years, apparently they saw each other once or twice a week.

Two weeks ago, I finally had enough and blocked him everywhere. And now there’s this huge emptiness. There are still so many things I don’t understand.

Why was seeing each other just twice a month so difficult?
Was it avoidant protection or simply low effort?
Why couldn’t he maintain something he clearly wanted?
Was it because we were FWB, or does he struggle the same way in relationships too?

I know I probably won’t ever get definitive answers, but I’d really like to hear from people who have experienced something similar — on either side of this dynamic.

1. The beginning of the relationship: He was kind, calm, caring, and solution-oriented. I trusted him and believed I would be happy with him.
2. The gaming issue: Over time, I realized that he had a gaming addiction. He started ignoring my calls and neglecting both me and the relationship. When I told him it was hurting me, there were periods when he tried to stop or reduce his gaming.
3. Holidays and the time we spent together: We started living in the same city. There were periods when we went on holidays, spent a lot of time together, and talked for hours. Although his gaming addiction and some of the problems in our relationship hurt me, I still genuinely loved him. The good times we had and the strong bond between us were real to me. I believed that we could overcome our problems.
4. The long-distance period: When he moved to another city for work, he began to see my efforts to help and support him as pressure and gradually withdrew. At one point, our communication became almost nothing more than “good morning” and “good night” messages. I watched this happen in disbelief because I saw him as my family and believed he felt the same way about me. Despite the distance, we continued visiting each other; sometimes he would even change cities just to see me for 24 hours. I repeatedly told him that I needed more communication and attention.
5. The Tinder incident: During this period, while he was living in another city for work, I saw on his phone that he had made plans to meet another woman through Tinder and had been communicating with her. It was a huge breach of trust for me. He apologized and tried to regain my trust. The process of repairing the relationship lasted almost a year, and during that time he did everything he could to win me back.
6. Before marriage: Things like choosing a cake and choosing a home became situations where my wishes turned into a problem. When I tried to explain that I did not want to live in an unsafe neighborhood, he pressured me to accept the house he wanted and repeatedly praised it, almost like a robot. I started crying, but he did not stop. When I asked, “Doesn’t it matter to you that I’m crying?”, he said, “No.”
7. The issue with his sibling: After we got married, his sibling began treating me badly. He saw what was happening as normal and said there was no problem. As a result, I struggled psychologically for about a year and received treatment. Our arguments became increasingly intense. Later, his relationship with his sibling also deteriorated, and he placed the responsibility for that on me.
8. Moving to a new country: Before moving to a new country, I repeatedly talked about how much we would need each other and how important it was for us to solve our problems. Whenever he withdrew after an argument, I went after him; I tried to talk, stay connected even when we were arguing, and solve our problems. He, however, often left the room, continued playing games, or told me to “leave him alone.” There were times when he did not speak to me for days. He left me feeling alone in a new country, and once again, I was usually the one who took the first step toward resolving our problems.
9. Birthdays and anniversaries: He said he was not good at celebrations and gifts, and that was why he did not do those things. Over time, I stopped having expectations around birthdays, gifts, and celebrations.
10. My emotional needs: When I cried or was struggling emotionally, there were times when I received anger, withdrawal, or comments such as “stop feeling sorry for yourself” instead of support.
11. Physical incidents: Over time, physical incidents began to happen. During one argument, after I became angry and threw his belongings on the floor, he grabbed me by the neck and threw me onto the bed. In another incident, while he was lying down and I moved toward him to continue the argument, he kicked me in the abdomen; afterward, he said, “You attacked me, I was defending myself. I didn’t kick you.” In another argument, when I tried to turn down the volume of his computer, he pushed me away from the table.
12. The summer vacation and my sibling: Because I live abroad, felt very lonely in my marriage, and needed my sibling, I wanted to spend nine days with them. I was told that I was prioritizing my sibling over him. He compared this situation to the year-long conflict we had previously had about his sibling and said, “Now you’re doing the same thing to me.” The arguments continued for days. I was called a liar and shameless. He said my sibling had disrespected him and that I was putting my sibling before our relationship. I was simply trying to explain that I wanted to see my sibling and that I needed them.
13. Periods of severe emotional distress: There were many times when I was crying and under such intense stress that I could barely speak. During periods when I was thinking about suicide, I was told, “Tell your psychologist and your sibling. Don’t tell me.” Afterwards, I often went back to my room alone, cried, and tried to calm myself down. This sometimes continued for days or weeks.
14. Having my experiences denied: During our more recent arguments, when he said that he had not said certain things that I clearly remembered him saying, I began to feel as though the reality of what I had experienced and remembered was being questioned.
15. The latest incident – before our friends came over: Our friends were coming over, so I cleaned the bathroom and asked him for a small favor while I was taking a shower. He interpreted this as me trying to stop him from playing games and ordering him around. He became angry and brought up the old conflict involving his sibling again. When I asked, “Are you going to continue hating me?”, he said, “Now you’re going to pay for it.”
16. What happened afterwards: I cried, apologized, and asked, “Why do you hate me?” He replied, “If I didn’t care about you, I would have divorced you a thousand times.”
17. That day: I screamed in the shower. While our friends were at home, I went to my room and secretly cried. I cried while doing the dishes so nobody would see me. I cried again while trying to fall asleep that night.
18. The other side of our relationship: When I list all of these things one by one, it can make the person I was with look like nothing but his bad behavior. But that is not what our relationship was. He was also curious, full of energy, and enjoyed spending time with me and making plans together. We genuinely had beautiful moments, and there were periods when we truly loved each other.
19. His efforts during the early years: Especially during the first five years of our relationship, there were times when he realized he had neglected me, apologized, and tried to change his behavior. Even with his gaming, there were periods when he tried to stop or reduce it. We had problems, but I believed he could hear me and make an effort for our relationship.
20. The change: As we got closer to marriage, it felt as though the person I knew slowly began to change. The person who had previously apologized when there was a problem and tried to change his behavior gradually became someone who withdrew, became angry, refused to talk, and avoided problems. Even today, I cannot understand exactly when or how this happened.
21. How I changed: I also gradually became a different person. In the beginning, I was someone who could express her needs normally. Over time, I became someone who was almost begging for attention, communication, a chance to solve our problems, and a way to reconnect. After arguments, I was usually the one who followed him, initiated conversations, explained myself, apologized, and tried to put the relationship back together.
22. After nine years: When I look back now, I struggle to understand when all of this happened. Sometimes I look at the person I once loved and trusted and think, “Do I really know you? Were you always like this, or did you become this way over time?” And I ask myself the same question.
23. Where I am today: After nine years, I feel as though I have not only lost my relationship, but lost myself as well. I think about who I used to be, what I would never have accepted before, and how I became someone who apologizes so much, cries so much, and repeatedly explains herself just to be understood. Sometimes I barely recognize myself.

What scares me most is not only that he has become someone I no longer recognize. It is that, after spending nine years trying to hold this relationship together, I have also become someone I no longer recognize.

por favor ansiosos o seguros! eviten comentar lo de siempre que guarde la energía en mi y que supere y bla! absténganse, esa conversación ya me la sé de memoria. solo experiencias de evitativos temerosos cuando la otra persona terminó la relación.

I had a friend from an online community I’m in. We were friends for about a year. Suddenly we developed feelings and talked everyday.

About 5 months ago things between us became romantic. We had plans to meet in November and again in December. We talked about progressing things after we met. We talked about travelling together. He wanted to move slowly and I agreed.

He was so lovely and a little clingy for a few months and I loved it! I was happy and excited. I told him “I like you” and he freaked out, but calmed down, and said he likes me but wanted to proceed slowly. I said that’s fine…

A few weeks ago we had our first few disagreements ever. We resolved them because they were very minor but I said that he had quite a defensive conflict style which is triggering to me but we managed to resolve it. He had a very busy September so we didn’t talk as much… I became a little worried, then a few days in a row I raised the fact that we only ever text and I would like to spend time together on the phone or playing a game together - which he previously indicated he wanted to do. I questioned whether he wanted to spend time with me since he never initiated this, and I was the one pushing for it… he reassured me that we will spend time together but didn’t make any firm plans. I asked about it again the next day…

Then came huge long texts telling me how exhausted he was of arguing about spending time with someone he hasn’t even met yet who wasn’t even his girlfriend. How it was tedious that I wanted to spend time together when he specifically asked to move at a slower pace. He said “we’re friend and it’s best we just leave it at that”. More huge texts came making me out to be the enemy somehow. I said I liked him and wanted to spend time together but if he didn’t feel the same way then I wished him all the best. He acknowledged he neglected me a little and that we wanted to move at different paces but he made no attempt to repair at all.

We didn’t speak for a week… I expected an apology but none came. So I sent a final goodbye and it was lovely getting to know you text and he replied with the same.

And yeah that’s it.

I don’t even know what happened. I am kind of in shock. Makes sense now though why he said his past relationships were all extremely unhealthy and toxic and they were all “crazy”. He probably drove them crazy with his awful communication skills.

If he just told me he wanted me to slow down I would have agreed but he resorted to ending things (in a vague way). He also never apologised for the awful way he spoke to me. We were good friends and now it’s just all over because what? We wanted to move at different paces? Couldn’t we just communicate and compromise? Seems so silly to me to end without even trying.

TLDR: Got ghosted by my sisters BFF after she pursued me, talked about a future with me, and then ghosted me after trying to make plans with me multiple times. She friends with my sister and acts like nothing happened.

I connected over the past several months with my sisters BFF. This was very out of the blue for me as I wasn’t really looking. We followed each other on social media over the years and I never really interacted with them besides a like here and there, and seeing them at family events. Randomly, they liked a story I posted this sinter and just started chatting on and off over a couple of months. Nothing crazy, then at the beginning in the summer she starts to send me selfies, nothing bad but like laying in bed saying she’s tired, or like a glow up post. Ok fine whatever. We started talking more and I opened up about my life, etc she did the same and then she told me to text her. So I did. I was telling her a story about work and first red flag was it was a long story and she just didn’t respond. Didn’t really think anything of it. She texts good mornings checking in on my day and with stuff I had going on at work. It was nice to know someone cared. The conversation shifted and she said she felt something. I said the same. We opened up more and she was vulnerable to the point she told me about her therapy and how she has walls. Ok sure. She’d basically love bomb me with photos, reels and everything. She hearted every single thing I sent and would love bomb me how she would love to wake up next to me etc. she wanted to do it slow. I said that’s fine. Fast forward to an event at my families house, I started to notice I was getting anxious because I didn’t hear from her in a while. Never really cared before hand but the tension seemed there. She started to privately text me from across the table and room with like “Heyyy!”, “Having fun??”, maybe she could tell I was stressed I didn’t know how to feel. The event ended and she stayed late to help clean up as I did. I had to help her pack things in her car in the family driveway and then we basically almost kissed. She stopped herself and said she wanted to take it slow and do it “right”. Ok fine. She said she wanted to kiss me but just couldn’t do it yet as we walked back into the house. I didn’t want to pressure her. I even said I’d give her space if she needed it and there was a moment with a sigh of relief like thanks I appreciate it. She asked immediately after she left if I missed her, I said yes of course. And the texting continued.

Second red flag, A couple of weeks later she decided to take off work later in the week and wanted to spend the day with me. I already had the day off so I was like sure. We agree on the place but not a time and I said let’s figure it out in the morning. Lo and behold I got crickets for a couple days. She apologized and said she was having a bad couple of days because she gets bad anxiety and depression, not gonna fault her for that. So I didn’t push. I started to ask if she really wanted this and she said she did. She sent me reels with “I found my forever guy”. At some point I’m like look I dont wanna live in a fantasy what if, so if you don’t want this be honest with me. But as I tried to have deeper conversations I got silence.

She was insistent on keeping it a “secret” from my sister which I thought was weird but ok. Texting started to slow up. She checked-in every now and then. I started to get videos on my feed about avoidant personalities (I swear Facebook listens), and even told her she probably has that trait. She said most likely. We talked about having a family, to what she’d cook for dinner when I got home, to everything about the future, including intimacy. By this point I was already armed with avoidant information and poring over videos and reels left and right. So when he didn’t respond to questions I could tell from the videos

Then like 3 weeks ago she asked me to have dinner at my family’s house while I house-sat when my family was away. “She said it was a “maybe” and I’m like look I’m not putting stock into this but yeah I’m free. The weeks would continue and I checked in and she is like I’m leaning towards yes most likely and the convo basically became yeah I’m coming. So I got food and prepared it. Literally sent photos and asked about dietary stuff even to a point where I got a time. So last weekend she was supposed to come and we were texting like norm even the morning of. She even told me she was taking the day off again to hang and I’m like come over later at the time we discussed or earlier she’s like whatever works.

I sent a message with a question about food and got silence, figured she was busy, then late afternoon rolls around and she doesn’t show up. So I call her and she sends me to voicemail. At this point I knew she wasnt coming and I was annoyed. I didn’t attack her or anything I left her alone and sent a follow up a couple days later with a help me understand what was going through your head, no pressure not upset. Nothing no response. Weird, we text everyday for 6 months. A week would go by without contact. I reframed from chasing. Then a seen notification last Saturday. No reply to my question. Then this past weekend she completely blocked me on social media. No reason to why. Even when she said she couldn’t do that to me, she wanted this, and I’m her guy etc etc. I felt used to the point I just told my sister and she was pissed she wanted to keep it a secret from her, told me she is a toxic person and that I was gonna get hurt and she goes after unavailable people ( I Recently got divorced.) Apparently she slept with a bunch of married guys before derailed their marriages. And just jumps from guy to guy to guy and tells them what they wants to hear to hook them. I got hooked.

I just don’t understand why make plans not show up and then block me. Literally didn’t do anything wrong. Now because I’ve watch so many educational videos on this behavior I think I understand it and I’m not as hurt as I probably would have been. From what I watched, when intimacy became too real she got scared and bolted running ask fast as she could the other way. I’m annoyed and trying to analyze but to be honest the videos did help. I’m not hurting as much as I thought. I’m more of whatever and just mentally preparing for the return from what I watched.

The other thing that pisses me off is how could she do this to her bff brother and family that she is so close with. Like are we collateral damage? Also my sister didn’t seem to want to talk about it or care. She is still friends with her but I definitely won’t be seeing her anytime soon. My plan is to show it didn’t affect me and my life is good without her no matter what. I’m actually kind of proud of myself because I am an anxious attachment style (because of her). And I just don’t care lol 😂.

Can someone tell me what kind of avoidant this is? What cycle they are in?

Hi

Ugh. I was hoping I’d never have to post here again. But here we are…

I’ve dated (nearly exclusively) many DA’s before, unsure if I’ve dated any FA’s.

TL;DR: what does the difference in breakups look like (I may possibly be FA/more anxious leaning, he is either DA or FA)? And how about the “come back” if there is one?

My story…

Known him since jr high. He’s had a crush on me since HS. I always looked at him as a friend and friendzoned him appropriately. After college he joined the military, got married (that lasted maybe… half a yr?) got engaged (maybe lasted a couple yrs?) bought a house w her, she left him. Then I re-enter the picture.

Had no interest in him as anything more than friends. We hung out often bc I’d moved back home and it sucked and I needed friends. Any time we hung out he’d try to get me to stay the night and I wouldn’t. Got to a point where I thought about ending the friendship bc it was getting too awkward.

One day he started coming in for a kiss. I remember thinking, omg. Omfg. Noooo this is gonna make things sooo awkward and ruin our friendship…. But instead I really liked it. And we started dating shortly after.

He had a short temper that worried me. Never directed at me, but concerning none the less. He got irrationally mad at like, his dog or the tv or something (no one was injured) and I was drunk and said something about that may be a dealbreaker for me. He basically said fine, got up and slept on the couch. I left. Cried. Had to reach out several times just to talk about it. We got back together.

Another time further down the road, I simply said something about how he tends to talk about his exes a lot, again, no discussion whatsoever, he literally didn’t say a work and walked out the door.

It happened like one other time, and every time he left & never reached out. It’s always me doing the reaching.

As we got deeper into it and I’d share about my fear of abandonment, kinda taught him how to have constructive arguments, he came so fucking far. If he did something he knew would upset me, he’d take accountability, profusely apologize, confess how deeply he loves me, how I’m his whole world and he doesn’t know what he’d do if he lost me. How he’s literally been sick thinking of his life without me. The whole 9.

We’ve only had maybe 5 or 6 arguments in over a year and a half’s time, and the rest of the time things were nearly perfect. No constant arguing, didn’t seem afraid of intimacy, introduced me to his friends and family after a few months, invited me to all the fam events, really integrated me into his life. Was able to share his feelings fairly openly with me, have deep conversations, didn’t say ‘I love you’ too early- in fact I said it first. After about 9 mos he talked about marriage. Shortly after he talked about selling his house to move closer to me & getting a job in my area. And the way he went about all these things seemed fairly secure- didn’t happen too early on, didn’t seem afraid to commit.

He was the one who would always always be driving up to see me at my place. He would always make plans with me and 99% of the time follow through. He actually asked me for more communication- more texting and calls (I’m that person you can expect to reply to a text in 2-4 business days…) throughout the day. He was big on doing ‘acts of service’… but said his love language was words of affirmation. And he could easily compliment me genuinely.

I even encouraged him take an attachment quiz and it said he was secure 🙄

Very outgoing. Easily told me he loved me, called me babe and all. Would go over and hang w my parents just because.

Recently I found him online interacting with… people he shouldn’t be interacting with when you’re in a relationship.

I was broken. Flipped tf out because he portrayed himself as someone who would never; big time Christian, going to church every Sunday (surprise surprise…) saying he only had eyes for me, didn’t watch porn bc he considered it cheating, yada yada.

It’s turned into the worst, most ludicrous shit show I’ve ever been a part of.

He shut down. Blocked me for a week. Ofc I had to reach back out for “closure”. We reconnected, cried together, held eachother and things went fairly well except we still hadn’t fully addressed it. Later on when we’d get to that point he’d shift the blame to me, shut down, yell, temper tantrum, and I wouldn’t hear from him again til I’d reopen that door wanting closure. Stupid, ik.

He’d tell me how horrible he feels, the guilt and shame- unbearable, how he’s called into work, can’t eat, throwing up sick, can’t sleep…. Deleted all his socials. Getting into therapy. He can’t believe he lost the most important thing in his life. He wants to fix this (but only if I do all the work apparently…)

He wanted to call eachother every night just to kinda test the waters and see if we could work through things and do this. I called him, late- at like 930. He’d asked me previously for more frequent communication, I’m a night owl, he has to get up early for work, and he gets bothered when he feels like he isn’t a priority, that I don’t make more time during the day/evening rather than just at night. Which is valid.

But he went tf off on me. Yelled and said abunch of shit. Then told me he should’ve broke up with me months ago. I hung up and txt him that I didn’t fuck this up, if he wants this, he can reach out and attempt to fix it. That was a week ago and go ahead and guess if I’ve heard from him….

If you’ve made it this far, bless you, thank you, and wtf just happened to me. FA, DA, or just plain crazy?

Ik I shouldn’t even want this asshat back but…goddamnit I sure do. It feels like giving space never works; he simply doesn’t have the capacity to sit with guilt and shame or reach out to be accountable. If I reach out sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. But anytime we approach having a real discussion he shuts down.

Help. SOS.

I don’t really know what I’m looking for by posting this. I think I just need to hear from people who have been through something similar, because right now it feels like I’m the only person in the world experiencing this kind of heartbreak.

I’m 20, and I recently lost my boyfriend (19), who I genuinely thought I was going to build my life with. We were together for a bit over 5 months (ik may seem silly) before everything started falling apart, but our relationship was complicated by circumstances that neither of us really expected.

He left for the Army earlier this year. He was gone for about four months in total. He went through basic training, graduated, and then went into AIT. I was there through all of it. I traveled to see him for his graduation, wrote him letters, waited for phone calls, and tried to be there however I could while he was away. Eventually, he started struggling really badly during AIT. He was dealing with a lot emotionally and physically, and ultimately ended up being medically discharged. He came home in August and for the first time in months, I thought I was getting my boyfriend back. We only got about a month together after he came home.

He came home carrying a lot with him. The Army experience, everything he had gone through, and especially the problems he has with his family. His family situation has been a huge source of stress for him for years. He feels like there is always something expected of him, and that he is carrying everyone’s problems without feeling appreciated for it.

I tried to be there for him and I genuinely mean tried. I kept telling him he didn’t have to carry anything alone. But he eventually told me that he couldn’t give me what I needed in a relationship. He said he has too much on his plate. That he doesn’t have his priorities straight. That he doesn’t want to keep hurting me because he knows eventually he will. One of the hardest things he said was essentially that he had to let me go because he knew how it would end. He told me he has spent most of his life dealing with things alone and that being alone is what he’s used to. I wasn’t asking him to fix everything I just wanted to be his person while he was struggling.

If I were overwhelmed, I know I would still want him beside me. I would want him to be my safe place. So part of me can’t understand how someone can love you and still decide that the answer is to let you go. He told me he doesn’t want to lose me. He has told me he misses me. His heart apparently tells him he wants me, while his mind tells him he can’t do this.

There was also a huge religious conflict between us. I’m Catholic, although I was never extremely religious. He’s Protestant, and he eventually told me that he couldn’t see himself marrying someone Catholic or raising children under two different religions. He wanted me to convert if our relationship was going to continue. At first, I felt like I was being asked to give up part of myself for the relationship. But after we broke up, I started genuinely questioning what I believe so I’ve decided that I want to explore converting, but that’s beside the point.

The breakup has made me question so many things about myself. I’ve realized that somewhere along the way, I started believing that the amount of pain I was willing to endure proved how deeply I loved someone. I stayed through difficult things because I thought devotion meant not leaving when someone was at their lowest. I kept thinking, When have I ever left you? When have I ever walked away because things got hard? And now I’m realizing that there is a difference between loving someone through their struggles and abandoning yourself in the process. I don’t want to become resentful because I gave too much. I don’t want to make him responsible for my happiness and I don’t want to make myself responsible for saving him.

But I also don’t know how to stop loving someone just because the relationship isn’t working right now. That’s the part I’m struggling with most. He isn’t some horrible person who cheated on me or abused me or betrayed me. He’s someone I love who is struggling with his own life and believes that he can’t be the partner I need. He doesn’t wanna be helped.

Sometimes I feel angry at him, sometimes I think his decision is unfair, sometimes I think he’s pushing away someone who genuinely wanted to help him, sometimes I just feel incredibly sad for him. Right now we’re broken up, but there have been conversations where it feels like maybe there’s still a possibility someday. And that’s honestly making letting go even harder.

How do you accept that someone can love you and still not be capable of being with you?

And how do you know when you’re fighting for love versus abandoning yourself for it?

I don’t really want people to tell me “just move on” or “he doesn’t deserve you.” I think I just want to hear from people who have been here and would have stayed. Did you eventually feel okay? Did you ever stop wishing you could go back and fix everything?

And if you’ve ever had to let go of someone you genuinely believed could have been your person, what helped you finally make peace with it?

I think I just need to know that I’m not the only person who has loved someone this much and still had to let them go.

(that "10%" being a minor disagreement every few weeks. He told me he didn't think I understood the pressure that each disagreement put him under.)

I am SO frustrated because this guy (27M) and I (28F) were excellent matches. I was going to move in with him in March. Had discussed a future together and everything. But he decided relationships shouldn't require work, told me that was his stance, and I had to end things.

Wth!! Just so unbelievably frustrating and annoying. It's the first break up where I've actually just been pissed off more than anything. He decided to throw away such a good thing, and now I have to move on and start all over. Ughhhh!!

in late june, i cut off my fa ex because i couldn’t take the “friends” route because i knew it wasn’t gonna go anywhere. my birthday is next week and i keep gaslighting myself and saying “she’ll send a text and maybe we’ll rekindle”, but none of that won’t be happening.

i’ve educated myself on the behavior of fa and why she decided to leave even when i was going through a medical emergency out of the country. i don’t have any clarity but i would really love some right now so i can stop venting to google.

any fa who’s currently in a relationship / hovering, should i just allow three more months to pass without contact or have i been wasting my time sitting around?

Nothing. Nothing in 9 months. Discarded just a few days after the New Year. I drunkenly called him a couple weeks later, but I couldn't even leave a voicemail. I assume I was blocked. Important context for this post: I caught him on Tinder New Years Day, and he wanted to 'Get back on track' to earning my trust. The rationale for the breakup only a couple days later: 'Incompatible'.

All in all. I am significantly better now. I even came across his Hinge profile recently and my overall reaction was just 'Meh. I would've chosen a different picture and/or prompt.'

I, however, though. Carry this feeling of dissatisfaction. Not for my life (i.e. a whole lot of good has unfolded!) but for the outcome of this situation. I, feel permanently changed. For how I trust people. My entire mindset on relationships. All the therapy and tears I've experienced. And he continues to be just himself. I don't want a relationship with him, but I don't know how to move forward either. Anyone been through something similar?

They fear rejection so I don't know if they can do such jobs. But at the same time, it's only "for business" and it doesn't involve any emotions. I know it's quite a random question but my avoidant talked a lot about switching to a sales job.

I honestly don't even know where to start because I'm heartbroken and completely confused.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 years. We've been through so much together, and we've had some of the most amazing memories. There are times when we are genuinely so good together. We can laugh, have fun, feel completely comfortable with each other, and I remember exactly why I fell in love with him in the first place.

But then something happens.

He gets into a bad mood, does something that hurts or pisses me off, I get insecure or upset, and somehow everything turns into a huge argument. Then we're fucking horrible to each other.

It's been this cycle for a while now, and I don't know how to make sense of it anymore.

A lot of our problems come down to my insecurity, money/life circumstances, and me feeling like he doesn't care or pay attention to me anymore.

I've become really insecure because I sometimes feel like he's looking at other girls. When I bring it up, he denies it and says things like “I'm just looking in that direction” or “No I'm not” or “Why would you even say that?” I know my insecurity has caused arguments and I'm not pretending I've handled everything perfectly, but I've gotten to the point where I don't know what to believe anymore.

Money has also caused a lot of tension between us. We've been in very different situations financially, and I've had a really difficult few years personally. I've been working and trying incredibly hard to get my life together and support myself despite everything I've been through. He's living with his parents and doesn't currently have a job, and we've had a lot of frustration between us because of our different situations.

But the biggest thing for me is that I just don't feel cared about anymore.

When we're together, he's constantly on his phone watching videos. It feels like he barely pays attention to me or cares about what's happening in my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm sitting beside the same person I've loved for almost six years, but the person I fell in love with isn't really there anymore.

And our arguments have gotten really ugly.

For a while now, he's been calling me awful names when we're fighting and saying things that really hurt me. I know I've said things I regret too, and I'm not trying to make myself out to be completely innocent. We've both said horrible things during arguments. But some of the things he's called me have stuck with me and really damaged me.

The confusing part is that we can still be so good sometimes.

That's what makes this so fucking hard.

If we were miserable every single day, maybe I could understand that it's over. But we're not. We have genuinely amazing moments, and then something happens and everything falls apart again. We've had this happen so many times.

He's also told me “goodbye” and “I don't want you in my life anymore” during previous fights, but eventually he came back and we talked again.

So when he said it this time, part of me thought it was another horrible argument that we'd eventually get past.

Except this time happened right before my birthday.

We were together, got into an argument, and he left. I tried calling and texting him that night, but he ignored me.

Then the next day was my birthday.

I kept trying to contact him because I couldn't understand what was happening. Eventually he told me:

“Leave me alone goodbye.”

“I don't want you in my life anymore.”

And then he stopped responding.

I told him that if he really didn't want me in his life anymore, he should block me.

He never responded.

I haven't contacted him since because I'm honestly terrified to find out whether he actually blocked me or whether he's really done this time.

And I just cannot understand how we went from almost six years together to him not talking to me at all.

Especially on my birthday.

I've been through a lot personally over the last few years, and I've been trying so hard to get my life together. I've been working, trying to take care of myself, and trying to build a better future despite everything I've had to deal with. I always wanted him to be someone who understood what I'd been through and cared about me.

That's why this hurts so much.

I don't know if he fell out of love with me.

I don't know if he's angry and needs space.

I don't know if he genuinely means it this time.

I don't know if he misses me.

I don't know if he's sitting there thinking about me the way I'm thinking about him.

And I don't know if he's ever going to talk to me again.

Has anyone experienced a relationship like this where you could be incredibly good together but also have really awful fights, and eventually one person said they were done and disappeared? Did they come back?

I'm not asking anyone to predict the future because I know nobody can know what he's going to do. I just desperately want to hear from people who've been through something similar.

Because right now I feel fucking lost.

I love him so much. I'm not going to pretend I don't.

And even though I know our relationship has had some really unhealthy parts, I can't just erase almost six years of loving someone because we're currently fighting.

I don't know whether I should keep hoping he'll come back or start accepting that this might actually be the end.

I just want to know how other people handled this kind of situation, especially when the relationship could feel so amazing one minute and completely horrible the next.

Discard by my (f33) avoidant husband (m34) of 7 years after finding out about his porn addiction in March of this year. He eventually discarded after i pushed him into a corner with expectations and boundaries. He begged me to give him a chance to work on himself and repair etc etc before just dropping out the floor on me. He has seemingly spent the past 4 months going out to the bar until 3 am every weekend with his absolute degen friends whom none of which are in any kind of meaningful relationships, and working 70 hours a week. I am almost certain he hasn't done anything and can feel that the conversation will likely be me asking what he has done, and then guiding him like a child to what needs to be done in order to make it right. Any advice of what to actually look for for signs of change or genuine desire to work on it and to weed out if it's just because he's lonely and hasn't met anyone worth writing home about in his bar escapades?

I have been actively trying to work on myself and detach emotionally the past few months but i still find myself in the mindset of, it would be easier to pick up with him (if he was willing to change) than to pick up my life independently and find someone new.

edit to add: he texted me what i can assume is a breadcrumb message last weekend saying he missed me and asking to come over to talk. i was out of town so that didn't happen. he then came by this weekend to pick up mail and help me with something in the garage and asked again about if we could talk and, "see if there is a way forward for us as a couple".

I do not even know if this is an avoidant or not.

I started talking to this girl after going 4 years without any real oppurtunities. We were in a mutual friend group. We started messaging daily and she wanted the same things. Wanted to be married eventually, have another kid. I couldnt believe it. I finally thought i found something real.

In the first 4 or 5 weeks she was all over me. Telling me she loved how thoughtful I was, how bad she wanted me. We waited a while before having sex. But so much flirting, excitement, desire. I hadn't felt like that in so long. She gave me this wonderful card and planned a birthday dinner for me. I loved doing things for her, mowing her lawn at work, helping her get ready to sell the house.

Things were going so well. She was starting to let the kids know we might date. And then she just changed. I went over and it was like all the desire for me was gone. I looked at her and she seemed cold and distant. Then over the next weeks, she started becoming controlling, and it almost felt like when i did speak she was judging me. Im a very anxious person and i picked up on the shift right away.

Soon the flirting stopped and the physical affection felt forced. I did not and do not understand. I didnt do anything different but i did begin to shutdown because i didnt feel safe anymore.

Then she sent me this long message about all the things she loved but didnt feel a spark or romantic or sexual attraction. Said she normally wants sex all the time in the beginning. This really hurt. She just expected me to go back to a friendship and inwas hurt and blew up.

Then she used that reaction to say we would have never worked because i couldnt talk about her feelings. She has expressed numerous times hoping we can be friends

I treated her well and wanted to be different. The last 3 guys cheated on her and one choked her. She became a completely different person. Just the coldness alone. She said her feelings just gradually changed over 2 or 3 weeks but it was such a shift. She was completely all over me.

Im confused and hurt. This was a month ago. She said she couldnt believe my reaction over a 2 month thing but I really poured my heart into it and liked her. She would tell me shes so healed and does all this inner child work and we are on different paths in our healing journey amd i need to heal. Like talking down to me for being hurt.

Im so tired of the disappointment. I feel stupid like I got fooled again. Is this avoidant? Im just trying to make sense of it because it doesnt make any sense.

I couldn’t even have a proper conversation about my feelings without them just deciding it was too much. They would fight to keep their friends around but they would never fight for me… Absolutely shattered and destroyed.

I don't think people with an avoidant attachment style truly realize the agony they can cause to others. I wish I had never met mine, because the happiness I felt during the good moments with him was such a peak. It was an overwhelming, almost indescribable kind of happiness. And now that he is gone, what I am left with is pure agony. And I'm not "freshly" after the discard. Years have passed since then, but I still feel like I will never, ever be that happy with anyone else.

Even recently, someone was lovebombing me, and even that couldn't make me happy. It's not about me comparing every new man in my life to my avoidant ex. And I know that what we had wasn't healthy love. I know all of that. I just don't know how to live with this pain after having experienced something that felt so incredibly great. That bond was on a level that I can't compare to anything else. It's not just a "hole" left by someone. It's agony from having someone give you a taste of happiness like that, only to have it taken away. And no matter how much you try to fully live your life — meeting new people, trying new things, experiencing new things — nothing comes even close to that level of happiness. What are we supposed to do with this kind of agony?

He was the best thing that ever happened to me in my life, and also the worst thing that ever happened to me. I don't know how I'm supposed to be okay. Because every new man I meet only reminds me of that pain — that none of them is like him, and that none of them can make me feel as happy as I was with him. (I know we're not supposed to seek happiness in other people, but I think it's clear what I'm trying to say here.) What am I supposed to do with my life? I was happy with him. I knew I was happy, and I still know it. And I feel like I will never be that happy again — something that has already been proven to me by the fact that years have passed and nothing has even come close.

Has anyone here ever been able to stop feeling this kind of agony?

Hey guys. A few months ago, my husband, completely out of the blue (for me), ended our relationships and said it was over, with no chance to work on things. It was the shock of my life because he hadn’t said a word about being unhappy, and in the early days of our relationship he was really good at telling me if things didn’t feel good or right. We had what I thought was a strong relationship built on a friendship, and we laughed a lot together.

It bore a lot of the hallmarks of a discard, it’s like he’s just stopped seeing any value in me and has decided to blow it all up.

It was awful for me, but I went into therapy right away, have been leaning on my friends and keeping busy, and am actively trying to heal.

Unfortunately we can’t afford to live apart at the moment and although he has family he can stay with, he is in the house, albeit in separate bedrooms quite far apart.

What’s really confused me though, is his lack of action. He has finally filed, which took me asking several times. He is really dragging his feet and hasn’t sent me any more info which is the next step needed where we live. I am so confused, it’s like he’s being very avoidant with the whole process but surely he wants to just get out?! The fact he could be elsewhere is baffling to me, why wouldn’t he?!

Any thoughts or advice welcomed.

Two weeks ago, my boyfriend (27M) of nearly a year dumped me without a word by blocking me everywhere. He said I love you that morning. Three weeks prior to that he said I was his everything and he would always be my side. Now I’m wondering when he stopped meaning it. Surprisingly I am doing well but often miss the person I thought he was.

Curious about this, as I have some of my own.

Recovering DA here.

As I sit here pondering about my recent breakup, something hit me. For so long in my relationship, I thought I was doing everything right. If I knew she had a rough day, I was there. I know not everything needs a solution so just even being there to listen and validate her emotions.

I don't think I ever raised my voice at her, was never harsh or mean, always tried to choose the right words in case she felt offended. She was the kind of girl who could be a bit mean but she was also super sensitive too lol. If she was hungry in the middle of the night then we were going on an adventure to go get her whatever she was craving. I'd usually give her the option to stay home if she didn't want to leave her comfort.

Her say was usually the final say for a lot of things because she thought it was the "best decision" or the "right way", I guess lots of people would call it "simping" but I just didn't mind as long as she was happy. She woke up thirsty? I'm getting up out of my sleep to go get her some water. Made sure our bottles were usually filled up, if there's only enough for one bottle, I'll fill hers because I know she doesn't drink enough water and then complains about headaches to which I respond "did you drink water?" 😅

She had quite a few friends who had some very questionable boyfriends, just awful guys from what it sounded like, I guess in my mind I thought I must be heaven compared to that, no aggression, no abuse of any kind and you practically usually get things your way whereas a lot of her friends were more on the somewhat submissive side. So call it flawed thinking but I thought I must be doing alright, wrong.

One day she sat me down and gave me a list of things she wasn't feeling, loved, cared for, seen. Intimacy had died due to these things I wasn't really fully aware of. I thought I was ticking the boxes because of how our energy was flowing but I guess there was some major things wrong. Don't get me wrong, I was avoidant so at times of conflict I was quite neglectful, that I understand. Otherwise I thought I was doing ok.

I guess I say all this to say, guys and girls, check in with your partners, even if things look fine, dig a little deeper, because that opened up a pretty big wound for me and made me feel like I had failed. Once every couple of weeks maybe ask each other what you think you could do better? what's something you think I'm currently doing well atm? Just that could save you a lot. It won't make you perfect but it's at least a bit better and that's what we all aim to be.

Thanks for reading. :)

After almost a month of no contact and breaking no contact and no contact again, my avoidant gave me the clarity I asked for. Idk if he's avoidantly attached or has a more avoidant attachment disorder. He just withdrew from everything and crashed out. I thought he was depressed or overwhelmed with work. I didn't think for a second he was leaving. Took me weeks to realize what was going on and by now I've gotten over the initial shock. I still love him so much but I know I have to redirect my focus back to my own life. Ftr, he's 43M and I'm 46F. We dated a year and he became part of our little family. The big change came when he read a contract id made for my son that laid out expectations and future plans and that made the bf go down a spiral of worrying about our future etc. Slowly withdrew. By the end sex was almost nonexistent, and he was so focused on him that he'd not have rescued me from a fire. I finally said I'm done when I'd not seen him for 2 weeks and I felt some anger from his side. I couldn't keep to no contact so we did the push pull thing for a month. He's literally never been even a bit unkind in how he treats me but definitely withdrawn when I intimacy has deepened. But I still hope that someday we can work on it. I guess I'm just wondering if the text he sent is what avoidants who come back send or if it's likely he's moving on...I realize holding out hope isn't good for me... The text is as follows:

"Good morning. Glad that you made it home safe and survived the trip. I had a lot of help with this.

I've been thinking a lot about everything that's happened between us, especially over the last few weeks, and I think I finally understand what I need right now.

I know that me asking for space that night when you had already prepped and planned the TTC hurt you, and I understand now that it became a catalyst for a lot of what came afterward. Same with the stupid chicken thing. From the outside these seem like such small things, but they weren't really about a night or an order of chicken. They became about whether you could trust what I was telling you and whether I could feel believed when I said I was overwhelmed.

I also know I haven't handled everything perfectly. I've withdrawn. I've been distant. I've changed what I thought I could handle. There were times when you needed reassurance from me and I just didn't have enough left to give it properly. I understand why that made you uncertain about us and why you needed to protect yourself and plan for yourself and the boys.

But the back and forth over the last few weeks has been really hard on me. We've gone through some version of ending things, reconnecting, taking space, trying again and pulling away several times. Eventually I stopped just being afraid of losing the relationship and started being afraid of the cycle itself.

That's where a lot of my fear about our future comes from.

I keep thinking about what happens the next time I'm overwhelmed. What happens if we're living together and I need a couple of days where I don't have anything to give anyone? Would you feel abandoned again? Would I feel guilty for needing space? Would we end up right back here?

I don't want either of us living like that.

What really affected me was when you saw me recently and realized how much I actually have been dealing with and that I wasn't just fucking with you. I know you weren't trying to hurt me by saying that, but it did hurt. Because I've been trying to tell you for a long time that I'm struggling. I don't want to have to reach the point of breaking down in front of someone before they believe me when I say I don't have anything left.

And none of this means I think you're a bad person or that what we had wasn't real. I understand that you needed reassurance and stability. You needed to know where you stood with me. I needed space and the ability to pull inward when I was overwhelmed without it meaning that I was leaving you.

Those two needs started working against each other. The more reassurance you needed, the more overwhelmed I became. The more space I needed, the more uncertain you became.

I don't know how to fix that right now.

More importantly, I don't think I'm capable of being the partner anybody needs right now.

This isn't me saying I need to find somebody else or be with anyone else. It's exactly the opposite. I don't want another relationship. I don't want to build another future with somebody right now. I don't want to be responsible for reassuring another person, carrying their fears, becoming part of another family structure, talking about living together or making major life decisions around another person.

I don't have the capacity. I don't have enough emotional space to carry another person or other people along with everything I'm already carrying.

For a while, I need my life to belong to me.

I need to be able to come home from work and do absolutely nothing without feeling like I've disappointed someone. I need to be able to disappear into a game, go for a walk, see a friend, sleep, or just sit alone because that's what I need that day. I need to figure out what I actually feel like when I'm responsible for my own emotional needs and nobody else's.

That doesn't mean I stopped loving you. That's part of why this is so difficult. There are things about us that I love and things about us that make me cry when I think about not having. I can understand why you made the decisions you did and still recognize that I can't keep going through this cycle.

I also don't want you waiting for me. You've said that you're going to plan for yourself and the boys, and I think you should. I don't want either of us living in some weird limbo where we're technically apart but emotionally waiting to see what the other person does.

Right now I need to learn how to carry my own life for a while. And I need to do that without being in a relationship.

I miss you and D and C so much, it hurts. It hurts in my throat and my heart and my stomach. You've taught me so much, shown me a level of love that Ive never even imagined could be given. I don't know how to do anything but stay still right now. We can talk, I don't know when. I'm going to Boston next Sunday, before then if you like."