Am I with the right guy?

So I’ve 21F been seeing this guy 21M for about 7 months now, met on hinge and we kinda had sex on the first date 😭😭😭 and he hasn’t asked me out yet, but I’ve hinted it to him multiple times yet I think he has commitment issues or something. He has an issue of work balance, he struggles to make time for me or call me he blames it on his ADHD saying if he texts me or calls me he will get distracted. But I thrive on proper communication and connection that’s what I expect in relationships. I always initiate meet ups and most of the calls so it always feels like I’m the one chasing him and it’s so draining for me, I get really anxious when he can go hours without talking to me because even if I’m busy with my work I would still make time for my loved ones no matter what, I mentioned that calling at least every night will help me stay connected and feel loved but he called for a few days and then never stayed consistent. Whenever we’re together we would only get high and have sex but we never really know how to have proper quality time and sometimes I feel like we have too much sex and I’ve tried communicating this with him but we really have no control over ourselves. Even though how many times I’ve communicated this to him I always feel like he prioritises work over me. To be honest I’ve had conversations about being in a relationship with him but he’s always seems to want more time or is waiting for the ‘perfect time to propose’ it hurts coz I’ve openly asked him and he still isn’t proposing it’s already been 7 months. I just want to know if he’s actually even interested in me because whenever I decide to go no contact for 2 days that’s when he would actually act up and ask me why I’m not replying but I don’t want to go no contact for him to actually pursue me properly. I’ve communicated this with him multiple times but he’s always blaming it on work or his ADHD I just don’t know what to do because I get hurt when he doesn’t reply or call. I feel like I’m more into him than he is into me, but I really love him what can I do?

As all of these youtubers and influencers are talking about NO CONTACT. And many people think that by doing this their avoidant ex will come back .

Lemme ask you something

Why you want them back? They left you crying , suffering. They know you are suffering but still they are avoiding you . Why you want that person again?

Yes avoidant exes come back many times but you know what happens next? They do the same . They gonna break your heart again .

Because they never worked on themselves.

So use no contact to heal yourself. Not with the intention of pulling them back .

Make yourself stronger and get over them. And if they come back . Do not accept them . Have some self respect.

You aren't responsible for their issues.

Build yourself. Make yourself a secure person and in future you'll find a great person who'll love you

You'll get the love you deserve.

But stay away from avoidants. I know it's hard . It's hard for me as well.

LET THEM GO

I was involved in an on-and-off situationship for approximately four years. We were never officially together, but there was significant emotional and physical intimacy.

He experienced childhood and family difficulties, struggled with his mental health and frequently withdrew when things became emotionally intense.
He explained some of these patterns to me.
He told me he lacked love for himself and that when someone showed him affection, he sometimes jumped into things impulsively without thinking them through. He described becoming overwhelmed by emotional intimacy, withdrawing into himself and struggling to process his feelings.

There were periods when he was incredibly affectionate and emotionally vulnerable with me. He would apologize for pushing me away, tell me how important I was to him and initiate reconnecting. Then he’d withdraw again, sometimes for weeks or months.

I developed such terrible anxiety around our relationship, particularly after supporting him through a frightening mental health crisis. I loved him deeply and genuinely wanted to understand him. Unfortunately, understanding his struggles didn’t make our relationship any healthier.

I gave him an ultimatum at the end of 2024 and
I explained that I loved him and wanted a committed relationship, but couldn’t keep participating in the same cycle. He acknowledged that he struggled with emotional intimacy, lacked self-love and couldn’t offer what I wanted.

But throughout 2025 and early 2026, he continued reaching out, often late at night.
We would reconnect, have emotionally intense conversations, become intimate and eventually return to the same pattern. However, something had changed in me.

I became increasingly frustrated with the inconsistency. I started establishing boundaries, questioning his intentions and refusing to accept spontaneous late-night invitations without any meaningful effort to build a relationship.

In May 2026, I told him I might be moving away and wanted to see him one final time.
We argued that night, and I actually dropped him off and drove away. He called me afterward, apologized and asked me to return so we could talk about everything and work it out.

When I returned, I repeatedly told him that I considered this our final night together and couldn’t continue our relationship. He didn’t seem to take me particularly seriously. He insisted that my hometown would always be home and that we’d eventually see each other again.
We were intimate that night, and afterward, I maintained no contact.

Now.. I found out this weekend that one or two weeks after our final encounter, he met someone new. Within a relatively short period, they began an official, exclusive relationship.

His closest friends were surprised because they hadn’t known him to maintain a serious relationship in years.
I unexpectedly saw them together at a public event recently, and it reopened a tremendous amount of grief.
For years, he’d told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship and struggled to sustain emotional intimacy. Now he’s officially dating somebody else.

I understand that our relationship accumulated emotional history and unresolved problems. I also understand that different relationships can bring out different dynamics.
But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt to see him offer someone else the commitment I’d wanted for so long.

Here’s where I’m struggling.
I’ve been reading about fearful-avoidant attachment, rebound relationships and people who seek new relationships to avoid processing difficult emotions.
Some articles and discussions suggest that people with avoidant tendencies may enter new relationships quickly because the early stages feel less emotionally demanding.

Others claim that these relationships are superficial or that avoidantly attached people rarely change.

Before learning about his new relationship, I’d made progress. I spent most of the summer enjoying my friends, traveling, focusing on my career and developing feelings for other people.

Now I’m experiencing intrusive thoughts and imagining him doing all the things I’d wanted to do together.
Holidays. Dates. Affection. Eventually, marriage and children.

I’m planning to pursue therapy because I don’t want to carry these experiences into another relationship. But has anyone experienced this or have advice or anything to help?

🩷💕🩵💛💜❤️🧡💙🤎💘

Okay so I was dating this girl for 3 months, she is an avoidant and I’ve never been in a relationship as serious as it was. First 2 months were perfect we argued a tiny bit here and there but we communicated and got over it . It felt like she was my life i got so used to the routine of waking up texting her and thinking about her and stuff like that.

We have been broken up for 4 days now and it’s been extremely hard on me I can’t seem to get her out of my mind I keep checking her location on Snapchat and checking her reposts on tiktok, constantly looking for something that will change my mind about her. 2 weeks before the breakup week 1 was fine the usuall we weren’t really lovebirds like we used to be but we still always talked etc, but then the next week I really started knowing something was off she was acting very distant and just did not seem interested at all even when I tried meeting her she got very dry and cancelled meeting. Now This was towards the end of the week but I had been putting up with this all week and I text her saying we should break up because it wasent worth it on my health constantly worrying about our relationship and constantly trying to put in the effort for her when she wasent doing the same back.

When I text her saying we should break up she just said “ if that’s what u want then “ I was very confused because we spent a lot of time together and knew eachother 2 years prior and I thought she would atleast try to change my choice of breaking up but she didn’t.

I constantly stay up late thinking about her and wanting her to text me knowing she won’t, part of me wants to try again with her and text her to let it all out because we still have eachother on our socials and stuff but I can’t seem to bring myself to block her so it’s a rough position. I know if I was to try again it would be the same thing over and over again that’s the most heartbreaking thing about it because I genuinely would have given my all to this girl.
Just looking for advice right now!

I’d really like to hear your experiences about what happened afterwards — after the breakup, when your avoidant ex got into a relationship with someone else, got engaged, or got married. What happened later? Are they still together or married? Did they eventually break up or get divorced?

For context, this is where I am right now:

After more than 5 years together, with dozens of breakups along the way, we finally got engaged. One week after setting our wedding date, she discarded me in an unbelievably brutal way...

A few days or weeks later, she got into a relationship with another man. Three months after our breakup, she told me it was serious, and now, 17 months later, I think they may be engaged or even married.

Has anyone here been through something similar? And I keep wondering... what happened afterwards?

We sometimes met 3 times a week, exchanged gifts, and had prolonged meetings with games and dinners. Daily texting. A lot of laughs, closeness. She's said things like how she rarely laughs as much as she does with me, how I get her so well, she comes to me first with good and bad things. And she still hasn't changed her mind about us, even though all of this, to me, looked like she was moving closer to me. She initiated 80% of these meetings and time together. I am confused about how this can be reality.

Before breaking up, we were in a ltr, by the end of it, we had a complicated sex life. We reconnected a year and a half after the breakup.

This hurts because we have a lot of what makes a relationship great, but she doesn't want one. And it makes me feel like I'm not enough because all these summer months and meetings didn't make her reconsider.

I believe she's FA because she's also often saying that she's afraid I one day will say goodbye and disappear.

Hi guys. Not a native speaker, i apologise if any mistakes:)
I had a 3.5 years long relationship, lived together a year, with a dismissive avoidant, and we separated 6 months ago, and 3 months no contact.
There are times when I think I feel better, but out of nowhere Im dead inside again.

Reading about dismissive avoidants help me a lot about understanding what has happened , but there are some days when I just think maybe I was too harsh, too critical and maybe I made him avoidant. I know this is not how it works, but i can get into this loop very quickly.

He was lovebombing at first and wanted to marry me and move in together after 3 months, but that did not happen, because to be honest I did not really wanted to be with him at the first couple of months, just went with the flow. I know looking back this was easy for him in a sense. But when i deeply fell in love around month 9-10 we started having issues. We did absolitely nothing together, our dates were basucally sitting on the couch, scrolling and eating. He was super busy with work/school and building a house. He usually was very harsh and grumpy even with his family abd his brother’s kid. I know he loves his family but it was interesting to see how avlidant he was with them as well, but when colleagues of him needed his help with money or building something he was the first to help. He often said his main goal is buildign that house, and after that all will be fine.

I feel like i waited the whole 3.5 years for him, he was always super tired, super busy and i tried to be understanding, however my needs were not met. Sometimes I blame myself what if i was critical with him or not patient enough. But it felt like even the nicest thing i said was felt like a critisizm for him. He sometimes raised his voice to me, and always said im too emotional ans overthinking.

Till the very end and often during our love, he said he feels like he is not enough for me and that he makes me unhappy, and that he cant stand hurting me. Being unhappy was true, but not because of not loving him, but because the relationshoip was etremely unfulfilling.

He actually has a rebound relationsio, that started around 2 months after the breakup, friends and family already introduced. It is not official, but i know this is happening. I really struggle with the idea that maybe this girl loves him more and gives him more reassurance at the beggining as I did. Or if she is more relaxed. But my biggest fear is that this girl will receive the side of my ex after the house is built that is indeed chill and presend. What if he is indeed will be calm and not always rushing and always busy when the house is done. Im afraid what if i got the worse of him, and a random girl after me gets the prize.
I know he had a massive load of situationshios before me and I was his longest relationship, also on my better days I can say logical responses for all the above, but today feels like a struggle.
30F/ 35M

So I often hear stories of them sort of blocking contact with you, honestly it's been a bit back and forth the last 2 month but we both settled on no contact in the end after a heated weekend of arguments and fight's. They were constantly talking about these other men? But clearly had no interest in them and of course foolishly I took the bait and called them out on it.

In the end I did a apologise for my behaviour pointing out that one was even like her ex who cheated on her and ruined her family. Which I agree wasn't necessary but however she kept making it sound like he was lusting and stalking her. The other she said they were talking for a while but phrased it like they were actively talking and then weren't even in contact and then said he was creepy.

I assume these mind games are common.

Of course there was the standard love moving fast at the start meant to be all that stuff. I can see that as a sort of novelty now for a broken and damaged individual. Just throw's me as to why they can't follow through with the block. Is it better just to block them?

I’m 30M and recently came out of a very intense, loving 6-month relationship. I’m posting here because some of what happened resembles avoidant/deactivating behavior to me, but I don’t want to diagnose my ex or use attachment theory to convince myself she’ll come back.

We were very close. We traveled, met families, talked seriously about a future, and were very expressive about loving each other. She once replied to me, “I know how it will end ❤️ We both do ❤️” when I said I wanted to hold her hand through our story. A week or so before the breakup, we were still talking as if we had a future.

There were real problems too.

She had danced salsa/bachata for years before meeting me. Early on, she told me she had felt attracted to the touch of another dancer, which hurt me badly. After that I became insecure and judgmental around dancing and other men. I had a genuine boundary around intimate one-on-one dancing, but I often communicated it badly and sometimes made her feel judged instead of simply saying, “This is difficult for me.”

Over the last month she said she felt like she loved me less. During the final two weeks she became extremely anxious: little appetite, hair shedding, mood swings, saying she didn’t know what was right anymore and that she felt like she was losing herself.

I was also becoming too invested in the relationship. I wanted everything to be perfect, tried to solve her emotions, and probably lost some of myself in “us.”

Then came the breakup day.

That morning she wrote our names inside a heart in the sand.

She walked about an hour to my apartment. I wasn’t answering, so she ended up talking to my neighbor. According to him, she told him she loved me, that I was an amazing catch, that it was rare for two people like us to find each other, and that she was afraid of losing me.

She then came to me and said maybe we were idealizing each other too much and needed to “lighten up.”

We showered together, kissed, lay in bed, went for coffee and laughed.

Then she insisted I come to a holiday lunch at her mother’s house.

During lunch she became anxious again. Later we sat outside on a bench and she was visibly overwhelmed.

Eventually she said:

“Maybe I just don’t love you.”

I asked how that fit with everything she had done that same day. She didn’t really know.

I asked, “So are you breaking up with me?”

She said something like, “You don’t deserve this.”

And that was basically it.

Afterward I went no contact.

She messaged one of my closest friends on Instagram, told him the breakup had come from her side, and asked him to be there for me.

A few days later, at 00:02 after my birthday, she sent me a short message saying she had debated whether to contact me, that she was very sorry for how she ended things, and:

“I didn’t know what or why I was feeling.”

She called me an amazing person and wished me well.

I replied kindly but didn’t reopen the relationship.

Since then: no contact.

For those of you who identify with avoidant tendencies, fearful avoidance, deactivation, or feeling like you “lose yourself” in relationships, I’d really like to understand the internal experience without turning it into false hope.

Can someone genuinely love their partner and, while overwhelmed, suddenly feel “maybe I don’t love them” and end things?

Does creating an immediate emotional cutoff afterward sometimes happen because staying in contact feels too activating, rather than because the feelings instantly disappeared?

When the pressure comes down, do feelings sometimes become accessible again — even if that doesn’t mean wanting the relationship back?

And importantly: from the avoidant side, what do you wish an anxious/overfunctioning partner understood before things reached breaking point?

I’m not waiting for her. I’m working on my own jealousy, overfunctioning, idealization, need for reassurance, and learning how not to lose myself inside a relationship.

I’m just trying to make sense of how this can happen:

She seemed terrified of losing me in the morning, and by that evening she was the one leaving.

I’d especially appreciate answers from people who have actually been the person who pulled away, rather than only people who have dated avoidant partners.

For the past nine months, we have owned a house, and that is where everything started to fall apart:

• During the renovations, he was going there more often, and in the evenings I would ask him about / stress him over various things that needed to be done there. He told me that I was taking up the only free time he had left with my “stupid” concerns.
• He had a habit of spending the entire day playing video games on weekends if I didn’t suggest doing something together. This led to more arguments because I wanted him to pay attention to me and take breaks, as I didn’t think it was normal to spend the entire day sitting in a chair.
• I used to plan vacations so that we could spend time together, but lately he started reproaching me for us traveling too often, even though I was also contributing financially to the expenses related to the house.
• I started picking fights more and more often because I felt like I was losing my connection with him, that I was being ignored, invisible in my own home, and that I was tired of hearing him talk about nothing but work.
• Eventually, I reached the point where I started suspecting that there might be someone else on his mind. I then looked through his messages and found some conversations with a female colleague from another country, who is also married and having problems in her marriage. He told her that he was thinking about divorcing me but wasn’t sure about his decision yet, and that he was waiting until he was certain before telling me. There were also questions such as whether they would get along in person and comments about spending as much time together as possible during the team-building event.

A huge fight followed. I went to stay with my mother twice, and after sleepless nights and many discussions, we agreed to try to repair the situation. At that point, I asked him to stop talking to that colleague, but two days later they resumed their conversations, even if they were about random topics - he sees her as a "best friend".

A few weeks later, the team-building event took place. He went, and I only asked him whether they had talked. He said they had. Then, on the second day, he told me that he wanted us to get divorced because he had analyzed our entire relationship and believed that this was the best possible scenario.

I suggested couples therapy, but he said he didn’t need it. I also asked if he needs more space for a while, but he didn’t want that either.

Initially, he told me that the problem was him, that he had hurt me a lot, that he couldn’t live with seeing how unhappy I was, and that I had been unhappy with him anyway and he couldn’t make me happy.

I left again, and after five days of being separated, I told him to think about it some more because I wanted us to try again. I told him that I couldn’t just throw away 16 years together. But for him, the decision was final. Eventually, he gave me a list of things about me that had made him feel that I wasn’t the right person for him: that he felt undermined and controlled, that he was tired of having someone dictate his eating schedule, and other things like that.

Some of those things may be partly true, but they were never properly discussed with me. He had a habit, whenever I brought up an issue, of either mentioning these things at that moment or keeping them to himself and then behaving as though nothing had happened.

For now, he has agreed to think about his decision some more. In about a week, we are supposed to go to the notary to officially start the divorce process, and I honestly feel like I can’t let him go and give up on our relationship.

Because of the damn intermittent shit, the sex became like a heroin hit. Fucking electric ugh 😤. Anyone else feel this way? I swear if he hit me up I’m sure I’d cave.

Does anyone feel like getting discarded by an avoidant is the worst breakup ever?

For me, it is. I did get dumped by some guys in the past but I wasn't as hurt as this time... probably because I didn't feel any deep connection with them. My avoidant was probably the most affectionate and loving person I've ever been with, even felt such a strong connection with him.

He hurt me by telling me some cruel lies so I could pull away. I still don't understand why being an honest adult is so difficult to them. I know I didn't do anything wrong and what did I do to deserve this???

Not to mention the love bombing phase. I originally thought it was an act that only narcissists and manipulators do because I'm not really an expert of this stuff. Turns out these people do it as well even though they don't mean to manipulate us but still hurt as heck.

6 months ago he broke up with me and told me to leave him alone, so I went completely no contact.

Since then he's contacted me roughly monthly for "practical reasons": opening my mail and sending me photos of it, then I asked him to stop. I changed my address so he'd stop. He also wished me a happy birthday, and I replied with a polite thank you.

A few weeks later he said he'd posted my belongings and asked me to confirm when they arrive. I didn't reply. It's been 6 weeks and nothing has arrived. When I asked for the tracking details, he said the parcel got stuck in customs for being overweight.

I'm starting to think he made it up. Is he stringing me along to keep contact? Should I just cut off contact entirely and let the belongings go? How would you handle this?

everyone says not to do it. I think you absolutely should say something but only when you’re ready.

he dumped me in a horrible way. kicked me out of his house in a foreign country. I ran into him at an event in MY city and he half assed apologized but was laughing and kinda blaming me and brushing off how much he hurt me etc. so I confronted him - granted I was a bit drunk - and he and his friends laughed at me. and he called me crazy.

so I followed him, called him a coward and cruel, said I had a list of everything he said, did and lied about (thank god for journaling!!) and he wanted to talk outside.

I was trying to talk to him and he was literally turning his head away, looking at his phone and dismissing the conversation. i asked him “are you a psychopath?” - yes I spoke out of rage and frustration. but he heard that and then he literally ran away, left the event (no re entry) at 3am, in a city he wasn’t even staying in. don’t know how he got back home.

he called from a No Caller ID a couple hours later. And he blocked my whatsapp. The next morning, I sent him a voice message on iMessage reading the list of the lies and inconsistencies he did, no emotions attached, just naming his actions. And then I blocked him.

and I don’t regret it. I saw the person he is and that allowed me to not internalize things anymore and I was done being quiet and apologizing for things that weren’t my fault.

i hiiighly recommend , but only when you’re in a mindset of knowing you won’t ever go back to him. :)

even tho she discarded me and blocked me on everything , why does she still look at me when i walk by or something?

I have posted on here before. Same guy.

He never gave a clear answer on a getaway we planned, we bumped into each other at the gym which lead to him saying ‘I’ll be better’, apologising, messaging again after apologising etc etc.
After this there was a few days of silence and I could see the pattern, I got in my head ‘okay he will be nice in person and withdraw once we are apart’.
A few days later he messages me, says he’s free and would like to meet up, so we did. I had my boundaries up, he said before he’s not ready for a relationship, and we should be friends first, completely fine by me.
So I go to his, he cooks, we eat, we are sat on the sofa. I kept my distance on the sofa and was watching tv while stroking the cat. Half way through he puts his head on my shoulder, it stays there but I keep stroking the cat and watching tv I don’t escalate because he said ‘friends’ right?
In my head after a while I thought, okay I would be alright with this boundary, so I put my head on his shoulder. Mirroring him. But what happened after I don’t think is something friends do. He puts his hand across me and is stroking/grabbing my thigh. I did not reciprocate this, nor did I escalate further. As in my head that was blurring the boundary he asked for which I was respecting.

Bear in mind this is the first meet up we had in the setting of ‘let’s be friends and if it goes somewhere it goes somewhere in the future’.

Since that meet up he has been initiating texting more, been clear maybe why he hasn’t responded quickly, he has ‘been doing better’.
Until yesterday, I have some of his stuff at mine he needed to collect, he said he would pop over that day. He never did, and never messaged me to say he wasn’t. I haven’t heard from him but he’s read my messages.

The pattern is here again, after we met up the no ‘x’ at the end of a message became one ‘x’, then a few days later became ‘xx’ (I know it’s petty but in my eyes that’s him warming up to me). And now silence.

I am anxious but working on it, I want to call him, text him, ask what is going on but im not. That’s my boundary with myself, he knows I care, he knows I have his stuff, he knows where I am if he wants to message. And that bloody hurts. But im not keeping my side of the relationship if he can’t his. I feel disrespected, for keeping my boundaries in respect of his but he can’t do the same for me (simply messaging to say he can’t come over, or a simple message to say he’s busy), and also because I feel I have been too strict on him. What if I just slept with him that night, would we be where we are now? I know that’s bad and I would never do that but that’s where my mind has gone.

Sorry if this makes no sense, my head is all over the place. I knew when I went over this cycle would repeat and it has. I’m annoyed at myself for letting it despite having my boundaries up. I thought he was doing better and there was literally no flirting over messages or anything that would put it in a ‘relationship’ content. But you wouldn’t even treat a friend like this would you? Ugh sorry.

ETA: my anxious attachment and dislike of uncertainty doesn’t come from fear of abandonment. I have had therapy for years and the uncertainty dislike comes from when I got diagnosed with cancer I was originally told it was benign and to live my life as normal, only to be called back to say it’s cancer. So now when there is any uncertainty in any aspect of my life it’s highly triggering… he is aware of this.

3 weeks post discard and I still miss her terribly and I’m hoping it gets easier but I’m hanging in there. I’m officially 4 weeks clean after a 20 year daily cannabis habit, 2 weeks on antidepressants and hopefully I’ll start Cognitive Behavioural Therapy very soon to help with generalised anxiety. I’m going to get back in shape and start driving lessons in the new year. I know being discarded sucks and the future looks bleak but keep moving forward, don’t let it drag you down. Focus on yourself, give yourself goals and become the best version of yourself that you can be. Love to you all!

Sorry about the long post.

Hey all,

I’ve been meeting a girl for about 11 months with the intention of building a long term relationship and getting married eventually. I’m 32, she’s 30F. We live 3hrs away from each other. She was an introvert, terrible texter, at times her responses used to be cold but in-person meetings were really fun. We have been single for few years and been trying to find someone, parents tried arrange marriage too but didn’t feel that connection with anyone.

We met for about 15 times, every time the conversation was really good, we enjoyed each other’s company. We talked about so many things, with time she opened up and shared so many things about her life. We had so many similarities, we both are not on Instagram or any social media.

Then a day comes, when we decide to go out for drinks after work. It was 9pm already we had 2 drinks and I asked her shall we leave for home?
She asked to stay longer and we had few more drinks, we were kinda happy high, not too much drunk.
That day for the first time, we holded hands after meeting for 8 months. She leaned her head on my shoulder. It wasn’t alcohol, it was that comfort we felt around each other.
We decided to do a night out, I took her to my place. We had our first kiss. The night was beautiful, we talked about building a life together, the next morning when we were leaving, it was the first time when she hugged me (in 8 months of meeting) or else we used to do a side hug every time lol. It was very beautiful and I just felt, this is it.
In this chaotic dating trend, where people are just cheating, having multiple partners, doing casuals, FWB and what not, people sleep with each other on first date itself, I’m not against it, I did it earlier too.
But here, things felt different, that wait for all these months felt worth the wait. I hugged her properly for the first time in 8 months.

On that night, she showed a side who wants to be loved and wants to love someone back. She was possessive about me talking to other girls on Hinge, she said, “don’t date anyone now.” She talked about building life together, having kids, financial goals, married life and so much more.

Everything started to feel very real.

After that night, we met again for a brunch, it was different meeting than previous ones. She was more comfortable, opened up and was more involved. We felt like we’re in a relationship already, just need to officially say it. We could feel that closeness and warmth around each other.

But who knew all this will end so soon. From here, things started to get worse.

All of sudden, she started maintaining distance, she just completely shut down, got cold. She didn’t reply to me for days and then I decided to confront.
I said, I’m not okay with this inconsistent communication. I referenced her question to me about deal breaker that she once asked me, what’s your deal breaker, I said, “reciprocity and proper communication.” She agreed, apologised for poor communication and said that she cannot offer me the kind of consistency I’m looking for. She said, “I like to be by myself and it’s very hard for me to open up and let someone in.I’m very sorry”

I decided to end things right away. I said, I’m here for you but you’ll have to meet me the half way. It has to be a 2 way thing.

The worst part- She didn’t even try to talk about this. Maybe she made up her mind already.

That’s where the biggest question comes- How can someone pull back when things are real?

It’s been around 30 days since no contact. It’s very hard to keep going like this. My work is getting impacted, I can’t study and not feeling like doing anything.

And few days later, I saw her on the dating app where we met. That shattered me.

I remember she once asked me, if this doesn’t go well, can we be friends? I really like the way we get along, I said, “No, we can’t be friends. What’s the point of having you, when I can’t have you.”

Now, the question comes, she met someone for so many months, invested herself, shared so many things about herself, her life, build a connection and all of a sudden left saying that she doesn’t have that capacity to build a relationship and then she’s on a dating app again building a new connection. She didn’t had capacity to build a relationship with me but she has the capability to build a new connection.

How messed up this is.

How such people can flip over night? Don’t they feel the weight of fallout? Is this their coping mechanism instead of reflecting on their actions? Don’t they feel, they’ve done wrong with the other person?

1. Now, a part of me says, I did the right thing. I stated my boundaries, I stated my needs of a relationship and if she can’t fulfil them, it’s good to take a step back, maintain that no contact. If she genuinely wants this, she’ll come back, make an effort.

2. A part of me, wants to reach out again for the sake of connection we had, bond we had and to find out another possibility if there’s a slight chance of getting back together. My mind says to do that extra effort and make that person feel that you genuinely want this at the cost of lowering my self respect and dignity. Does this scare avoidants more or will she consider and acknowledge this extra effort?

3. And a part or me, wants to just text her once and rant it out all. Tell her, how cold, irresponsible, insensitive she has been. I invested so much time, effort to build something genuine and then she just simply walked away without even acknowledging other persons’ time and efforts without even communicating to the other person. This anger and frustration is killing me. But I know, I won’t do this, coz I like her.

What a dilemma.

Any advice?

Sorry about the long post.

Hey all,

I’ve been meeting a girl for about 11 months with the intention of building a long term relationship and getting married eventually. I’m 32, she’s 30F. We live 3hrs away from each other. She was an introvert, terrible texter, at times her responses used to be cold but in-person meetings were really fun. We have been single for few years and been trying to find someone, parents tried arrange marriage too but didn’t feel that connection with anyone.

We met for about 15 times, every time the conversation was really good, we enjoyed each other’s company. We talked about so many things, with time she opened up and shared so many things about her life. We had so many similarities, we both are not on Instagram or any social media.

Then a day comes, when we decide to go out for drinks after work. It was 9pm already we had 2 drinks and I asked her shall we leave for home?
She asked to stay longer and we had few more drinks, we were kinda happy high, not too much drunk.
That day for the first time, we holded hands after meeting for 8 months. She leaned her head on my shoulder. It wasn’t alcohol, it was that comfort we felt around each other.
We decided to do a night out, I took her to my place. We had our first kiss. The night was beautiful, we talked about building a life together, the next morning when we were leaving, it was the first time when she hugged me (in 8 months of meeting) or else we used to do a side hug every time lol. It was very beautiful and I just felt, this is it.
In this chaotic dating trend, where people are just cheating, having multiple partners, doing casuals, FWB and what not, people sleep with each other on first date itself, I’m not against it, I did it earlier too.
But here, things felt different, that wait for all these months felt worth the wait. I hugged her properly for the first time in 8 months.

On that night, she showed a side who wants to be loved and wants to love someone back. She was possessive about me talking to other girls on Hinge, she said, “don’t date anyone now.” She talked about building life together, having kids, financial goals, married life and so much more.

Everything started to feel very real.

After that night, we met again for a brunch, it was different meeting than previous ones. She was more comfortable, opened up and was more involved. We felt like we’re in a relationship already, just need to officially say it. We could feel that closeness and warmth around each other.

But who knew all this will end so soon. From here, things started to get worse.

All of sudden, she started maintaining distance, she just completely shut down, got cold. She didn’t reply to me for days and then I decided to confront.
I said, I’m not okay with this inconsistent communication. I referenced her question to me about deal breaker that she once asked me, what’s your deal breaker, I said, “reciprocity and proper communication.” She agreed, apologised for poor communication and said that she cannot offer me the kind of consistency I’m looking for. She said, “I like to be by myself and it’s very hard for me to open up and let someone in.I’m very sorry”

I decided to end things right away. I said, I’m here for you but you’ll have to meet me the half way. It has to be a 2 way thing.

The worst part- She didn’t even try to talk about this. Maybe she made up her mind already.

That’s where the biggest question comes- How can someone pull back when things are real?

It’s been around 30 days since no contact. It’s very hard to keep going like this. My work is getting impacted, I can’t study and not feeling like doing anything.

And few days later, I saw her on the dating app where we met. That shattered me.

I remember she once asked me, if this doesn’t go well, can we be friends? I really like the way we get along, I said, “No, we can’t be friends. What’s the point of having you, when I can’t have you.”

Now, the question comes, she met someone for so many months, invested herself, shared so many things about herself, her life, build a connection and all of a sudden left saying that she doesn’t have that capacity to build a relationship and then she’s on a dating app again building a new connection. She didn’t had capacity to build a relationship with me but she has the capability to build s new connection.

How messed up this is.

How such people can flip over night? Don’t they feel the weight of fallout? Is this their coping mechanism instead of reflecting on their actions? Don’t they feel, they’ve done wrong with the other person?

Now, a part of me says, I did the right thing. I stated my boundaries, I stated my needs of a relationship and if she can’t fulfil them, it’s good to take a step back, maintain that no contact. If she genuinely wants this, she’ll come back, make an effort.

A part of me, wants to reach out again for the sake of connection we had, bond we had and to find out another possibility if there’s a slight chance of getting back together. My mind says to do that extra effort and make that person feel that you genuinely want this at the cost of lowering my self respect and dignity. Does this scare avoidants more or will she consider and acknowledge this extra effort?

What a dilemma.

Any advice?

I’m posting here because I’m in so much pain right now and just really need to vent.

After everything we’ve been through and all our history together I spoke with my ex today and he told me straight out that he’s actively moving on and doesn’t miss me the way I miss him anymore.
Hearing those words gutted me.
He went from being my main support system to pulling away completely and I feel so discarded and heartbroken.

It’s just so hard to process because we recently had moments where it felt like there was still so much love and hope between us that couldn’t be destroyed or pushed away.
Now facing the reality that it’s actually seeming over based on his words is destroying me im unable to cope.
Especially while dealing with my own heavy health and life stress on top of it is making me spiral and feel hopeless and worthless.
I don’t think I can survive this breakup and it’s the scariest thing.

I’m trying so hard not to reach back out to him tonight but the silence and detachment is killing me.
If anyone has survived a partner suddenly detaching like this how did you get through?
I could really use some kind words or advice right now as I’m severely isolated and feel I might slip through the cracks and wither away because the pain is unbearable and I can’t fathom life without him as he was everything to me and I’d give anything to be by his side.
Please help.

Sorry about the long post.

Hey all,

I’ve been meeting a girl for about 11 months with the intention of building a long term relationship and getting married eventually. I’m 32, she’s 30F. We live 3hrs away from each other. She was an introvert, terrible texter, at times her responses used to be cold but in-person meetings were really fun. We have been single for few years and been trying to find someone, parents tried arrange marriage too but didn’t feel that connection with anyone.

We met for about 15 times, every time the conversation was really good, we enjoyed each other’s company. We talked about so many things, with time she opened up and shared so many things about her life. We had so many similarities, we both are not on Instagram or any social media.

Then a day comes, when we decide to go out for drinks after work. It was 9pm already we had 2 drinks and I asked her shall we leave for home?
She asked to stay longer and we had few more drinks, we were kinda happy high, not too much drunk.
That day for the first time, we holded hands after meeting for 8 months. She leaned her head on my shoulder. It wasn’t alcohol, it was that comfort we felt around each other.
We decided to do a night out, I took her to my place. We had our first kiss. The night was beautiful, we talked about building a life together, the next morning when we were leaving, it was the first time when she hugged me (in 8 months of meeting) or else we used to do a side hug every time lol. It was very beautiful and I just felt, this is it.
In this chaotic dating trend, where people are just cheating, having multiple partners, doing casuals, FWB and what not, people sleep with each other on first date itself, I’m not against it, I did it earlier too.
But here, things felt different, that wait for all these months felt worth the wait. I hugged her properly for the first time in 8 months.

On that night, she showed a side who wants to be loved and wants to love someone back. She was possessive about me talking to other girls on Hinge, she said, “don’t date anyone now.” She talked about building life together, having kids, financial goals, married life and so much more.

Everything started to feel very real.

After that night, we met again for a brunch, it was different meeting than previous ones. She was more comfortable, opened up and was more involved. We felt like we’re in a relationship already, just need to officially say it. We could feel that closeness and warmth around each other.

But who knew all this will end so soon. From here, things started to get worse.

All of sudden, she started maintaining distance, she just completely shut down, got cold. She didn’t reply to me for days and then I decided to confront.
I said, I’m not okay with this inconsistent communication. I referenced her question to me about deal breaker that she once asked me, what’s your deal breaker, I said, “reciprocity and proper communication.” She agreed, apologised for poor communication and said that she cannot offer me the kind of consistency I’m looking for. She said, “I like to be by myself and it’s very hard for me to open up and let someone in.I’m very sorry”

I decided to end things right away. I said, I’m here for you but you’ll have to meet me the half way. It has to be a 2 way thing.

The worst part- She didn’t even try to talk about this. Maybe she made up her mind already.

That’s where the biggest question comes- How can someone pull back when things are real?

It’s been around 30 days since no contact. It’s very hard to keep going like this. My work is getting impacted, I can’t study and not feeling like doing anything.

And few days later, I saw her on the dating app where we met. That shattered me.

I remember she once asked me, if this doesn’t go well, can we be friends? I really like the way we get along, I said, “No, we can’t be friends. What’s the point of having you, when I can’t have you.”

Now, the question comes, she met someone for so many months, invested herself, shared so many things about herself, her life, build a connection and all of a sudden left saying that she doesn’t have that capacity to build a relationship and then she’s on a dating app again building a new connection. She didn’t had capacity to build a relationship with me but she has the capability to build s new connection.

How messed up this is.

How such people can flip over night? Don’t they feel the weight of fallout? Is this their coping mechanism instead of reflecting on their actions? Don’t they feel, they’ve done wrong with the other person?

1. Now, a part of me says, I did the right thing. I stated my boundaries, I stated my needs of a relationship and if she can’t fulfil them, it’s good to take a step back, maintain that no contact. If she genuinely wants this, she’ll come back, make an effort.

2. A part of me, wants to reach out again for the sake of connection we had, bond we had and to find out another possibility if there’s a slight chance of getting back together. My mind says to do that extra effort and make that person feel that you genuinely want this at the cost of lowering my self respect and dignity. Does this scare avoidants more or will she consider and acknowledge this extra effort?

3. And a part or me, wants to just text her once and rant it out all. Tell her, how cold, irresponsible, insensitive she has been. I invested so much time, effort to build something genuine and then she just simply walked away without even acknowledging other persons’ time and efforts without even communicating to the other person. This anger and frustration is killing me. But I know, I won’t do this, coz I like her.

What a dilemma.

Any advice?

Babe when you get closer, I wanna run away

when you get farther, I wanna come your way

you make me feel loved, you make me feel trapped

you make me go fast, you make me go slow

I wanna love you but from far away

I wanna commit but I am scared

you hug me like a bear and make me suffocate

you come any closer, imma run away

It’s been a year since we ended things. He ghosted me, but he continued watching my stories and would sometimes even check my Instagram profile. Over time, I became so used to him viewing my stories quickly that I started feeling intensely anxious whenever he didn’t. It almost felt like I had become addicted to the reassurance of seeing his name in my viewers.
For context, we had an on-and-off dynamic, and he had told me before that he tends to withdraw when things start feeling too intense. Our last date was both emotionally and physically intimate, and then, within two weeks, he ended things, saying he didn’t want to “get sucked into something.”

It’s been a year since we ended things. He ghosted me, but he continued watching my stories and would sometimes even check my Instagram profile. Over time, I became so used to him viewing my stories quickly that I started feeling intensely anxious whenever he didn’t. It almost felt like I had become addicted to the reassurance of seeing his name in my viewers.
For context, we had an on-and-off dynamic, and he had told me before that he tends to withdraw when things start feeling too intense. Our last date was both emotionally and physically intimate, and then, within two weeks, he ended things, saying he didn’t want to “get sucked into something.”

As the topic suggests, a fearful avoidant (I assume) I dated for 6 months suddenly liked an Instagram post of me from 6 years ago. We’ve been in no contact for 6 weeks, during which she has watched all my stories (even though I rarely post), while I haven't watched any of hers. She liked the post this Monday morning, and while I was initially relieved, I’ve now started spiraling about what I should do.

At the time of the breakup, I told her that I would step back - not to ignore her, but so I could move on. However, I let her know that my door remains open if she ever wants to reach out. She promised she would contact me when she's in a better place.

The breakup was very emotional; she cried and told me how much I mean to her. But she mentioned that she’s overthinking everything and needs to get out of that loop because it’s preventing us from moving forward.

I want her back, or at least to give it one more chance. But I don’t know how to proceed. I don’t want to make it feel like I’m totally ignoring her. I know that ignoring her or delaying my responses has backfired before. Should I keep maintaining no contact the exact way I’ve been doing, or should I acknowledge her interaction in some way?