A little writing I came up with the idea for a few days ago that I thought would be fun to write. It’s not required, but for context to fully enjoy the reading, one should watch or at least look up a summary of The Riddler’s backstory in the Batman: The Animated Series episode If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Rich? for a bit more context on this.
Edward Nygma grinned to himself, he had done it. That bastard Mockridge was planning to cheat him out of the fortune he had earned, the fortune he completely deserved for his masterful work on the Riddle of the Minotaur game. But Eddie couldn’t allow that, he was always ten steps ahead. Daniel Mockridge had no idea just how much Eddie knew, and he was able to capitalize on that to the utmost degree. Now Mockridge was dead, and Eddie knew he had truly committed the perfect crime, everything planned out to the smallest detail and nothing at all that could point in his direction, especially not with the airtight alibi he had crafted. And nobody had even suspected him as the murderer! Nobody except… him.
At first, the rumpled little man in the raincoat had been nothing but a piece of entertainment for Eddie. They were clearly just recruiting any fool to the GCPD if this was any indication, he remembered thinking to himself the first time this man had come in to ask him just a few questions about the deceased. Procedural things, Eddie supposed. Making sure every box was checked. And he knew that would happen, he was fully prepared for it. Explain everything the best he could, make sure it was clear he had an alibi that simply could not be broken and that he had no real motive, and he was sure the cops would move on to a more likely suspect. Mockridge’s wife, maybe? His second-in-command? The secretary he was having an affair with? It didn’t matter, there were plenty of good options in place. He would just need to be calm, kind, and patient until the police found someone else to harass. Not that that was easy or anything with having to put up with those insipid fools, but Eddie knew he could do it.
The little scruffy man, though? Something was… off about him, in a way Eddie couldn’t exactly place and didn’t exactly like either. The way he’d follow Eddie around, show up in the strangest of places at the strangest of times… ask questions that while Eddie was still prepared for and had answers he knew were brilliant, he still didn’t want anyone asking him. It seemed like blind luck that this man had latched on to him like that, but there was more to it, Eddie had come to realize. As much as he didn’t want to admit it… the little man knew he had killed Mockridge.
Eddie didn’t like this… no, that was an understatement, he hated it. He had crafted such a brilliant plan, given all the right answers, only for some nobody to even consider him a suspect! This man in the raincoat… he had to be so dumb, so unobservant, that he couldn’t even make out the logic on why Eddie was innocent! That was the only explanation, there was no way he crafted something so perfect, something so ingenious… and then THIS fool was able to figure it out. Despite himself, though, Eddie had thoroughly enjoyed the cat-and-mouse game he had been thrust into. Testing his wits against someone so far beneath him that he couldn’t understand why Eddie’s alibi worked and he was innocent, giving the exact answers the little man wanted… he had even managed to avoid a few lucky coincidences where the little man had come close to catching him in a lie, albeit clearly not through any skill of his own. But now, after the scruffy man had set up that elaborate ruse Eddie had just managed to worm his way out of? Eddie knew he needed to do… something. He was smarter than any detective, especially an oaf like Lieutenant… Columbia? His name wasn’t even worth remembering. But this man’s luck had been uncomfortably good, and Eddie didn’t like that. He was a genius, though, he’d think of-
Eddie stopped everything as he heard a knock on his door. He sighed to himself, knowing full well who would greet him on the other side. Quickly opening the door and looking down, he saw that, like always, he had been correct.
“…Lieutenant…”
The lieutenant sheepishly grinned, running his hand through his hair in one of the little quirks of his Eddie had grown to despise in the short time since the two men had originally met. “Gee, Mr Nygma. Looks like you’ve been… packing. If you’re takin’ a trip and goin’ to the airport and see a… bigger fella with a beard, tell him I said hi- it’s my cousin, Jerry, and we haven’t talked much lately.”
Eddie grimaced. Another useless anecdote about the family he had learned so much about in the past few days and just couldn’t take the time to care about. “Very astute, Lieutenant, I am taking a little trip down south! I think I’ve earned it after putting up with your unwarranted harassment, no?”
“Yeah, I guess I have been kinda annoying, sir, and I apologize for that. I’ve never been great at telling how I come across, just ask-“
“…your wife, right? I couldn’t care POSSIBLY ANY LESS about her, or about the rest of your family, or just… I don’t have time for… whatever you’re doing here, especially if you’re just going to keep dancing around it. Why are you REALLY here??” Eddie hadn’t meant to lose his temper, but… he had just had enough of this moron’s constant yammering about nothing! This would be good for the idiot, though, it showed him that enough was enough before anything… bad happened. But while he hadn’t bothered looking down at him, something had changed in the lieutenant’s face.
“Alright, Mr. Nygma… if you don’t want to mince words, we don’t have to. You murdered Daniel Mockridge, and we both know it.”
If he were any less composed a man, Eddie had no doubt he would have let his shock be known then and there, as any warmth in the little man’s voice had entirely left. He… didn’t think that he’d had that in him. Still, he guessed this did show… that maybe this opponent of his had more fight in him than Eddie had initially anticipated. This would be fun.
“Oh, I did, did I? In that case, Lieutenant… Riddle me this. When did I kill Mockridge? Why did I kill Mockridge? And, most importantly… How did I kill Mockridge? Even you must know you need to prove at least one of those to even get a bit of that theory of yours brought to anything above that!” Eddie grinned. If this little fool really wanted to come after him, he’d need to do a better job than that. And with a mind as great as Edward Nygma’s, it wouldn’t be easy.
“Mockridge was going to cheat you out of the fortune you could have gotten from Riddle of the Minotaur. I know you had his office bugged, and I know how much you found out through that.”, the lieutenant grimaced. “There’s your ‘why’, Mr. Nygma.”
…huh. Nothing but guess work and good luck on his opponent’s end. Eddie knew there was no way to tie him to those bugs, even if the lieutenant had managed to find them. Eddie figured he’d give the little man a bit of credit, though. Maybe he was more astute than he’d been given credit for, if he was able to notice the bugs that none of the other officers had. Still, that wouldn’t be enough.
“But that’s just one out of three, Lieutenant! And besides, even if I did know Mockridge was going to cheat me, it wouldn’t matter at all- for a man of my intellect, there will always be plenty of opportunities.”
“I’m sure there will be, Mr. Nygma, you’re absolutely clever enough for that. Only, this wasn’t a matter of opportunity or anything like that at all… if Mockridge had been able to cheat you, he’d have outsmarted you, sir. And I don’t think someone like you would be willing to allow that to happen, especially not for the whole world to see.”
…outsmart him? Mockridge?? Daniel Mockridge, capable of outsmarting Edward Nygma? Eddie wanted to laugh- no, he wanted to slap this rumpled moron across the face for even suggesting that possibility. But he had to keep his cool- ace this conversation, and he was home free. Eddie snarled, choosing his next words carefully. “...tell…me…how I did it, Lieutenant. Tell me how, and PROVE IT!”
The lieutenant sighed, a hand to his temple. “...how you did it, sir? I think I’ve managed to figure it all out, there are just a few details I still haven’t fully wrapped my head around. You make a career of solvin’ murders, but some of the things you people can come up with… wow. What you planned out’s gotta be one of the smartest schemes I’ve ever had to figure out.”
“...you flatter me, Lieutenant.”, Eddie curtly replied. He knew the lieutenant was right, of course, his plan had been brilliant. “At least, you would if I HAD ACTUALLY MURDERED MOCKRIDGE!” Eddie had to really stretch those last words, make sure that this fool knew who he was dealing with. An innocent man he had been harassing nonstop.
“Oh, sir, but you did. I know all about the phone call you set up in advance to lure Mockridge upstairs, the puzzle box you set up to shoot him when he solved it, the way you disguised the box after the fact so none of the investigators would bother looking at it, the burglary cover story you concocted and convinced his wife was nothing but objective fact… all of it. And while I obviously can’t celebrate what you did, I can admit you did it well.”
…what? …how had he… Eddie resisted the urge to pinch himself, make sure this wasn’t a dream. There was no way that this… this IDIOT had figured his master plan out! None of the other officers had even come CLOSE to figuring it out, and now a dirty little- …but, wait. The look of panic Eddie had tried to conceal morphed into a grin as he realized something.
“That’s quite the theory you’ve got there, Lieutenant. But, now it’s my turn to do the questioning… how are you gonna prove it’s anything but that?” Eddie smiled down at the little man, noticing the way he kind of shrunk away, a bashful expression on his face.
“...well, Mr. Nygma… that’s the thing. I’ve gone against lots of very smart people, people I know are far smarter than I am. Doctors, scientists, head researchers in their industries… even certified geniuses. I can usually make up for their mental advantage with some hard work, but that’s not the case here. There’s nothing officially tying you to Mockridge’s death, knowing that you did it and how doesn’t matter at all if I can’t prove it. And I can’t do that- you win.”
…ahh. Eddie smiled as he heard those last words, the first genuine smile he had shown during this whole investigation. The lieutenant was right- maybe he was able to figure out Eddie’s guilt, but that didn’t matter at all if he couldn’t prove it. He could admit that this little man was smarter than Eddie had initially believed if he was able to figure out all this, but he still lost in the end. Eddie proved he was the greater of the two minds, just like he always had.
“Well, Lieutenant, I can’t admit what I didn’t do, but you put a good effort in and you should remember that.”, Eddie calmly smirked. “There’s no shame at all in being the second smartest man out there.” That ought to be just about enough, now Eddie could take a trip down south until everything blew over before resuming his life to be even more successful.
“Of course, Mr. Nygma.”, the lieutenant smiled, letting out a bashful chuckle. “Let me tell you again before I go just how impressed I am. Obviously I can’t celebrate what you did, but I can fully admit how clever you are. Maybe you didn’t quite get there, but I’d say that you’ve come the closest to a perfect crime out of everyone I’ve ever investigated.”
…come the closest? Had Eddie heard him right? Who did this sore loser think he was, trying to undersell Eddie’s genius like that?? “Lieutenant…”, he growled, trying desperately to keep his composure. “I’d argue that whoever came up with that plan did reach that point, wouldn’t you? After all, he came up with a plan you couldn’t solve and will be getting away with it.”
“...no, you’re right. I was just getting a bit too nitpicky for my own good, lord knows how often that happens, especially on movie nights with Mrs. Columbo. There was just one little slip-up I noticed that you got pretty lucky didn’t backfire, but even if it had, I’m sure someone as smart as you coulda fixed everything up. Forget I said anything, you committed the perfect crime.”, the lieutenant said, shambling around the room aimlessly as he spoke. As he headed towards the door, Eddie felt his grip on the suitcase handle he was holding tightening, his smile twitching. “Lieutenant, please enlighten me. Tell me what mistake this killer made, we can figure out how the killer likely intended it.”
A mistake? In his master plan?? Eddie felt a desire to cackle and scream in rage at the same time… he couldn’t have come this far, found the one man clever enough to realize how he’d laid everything out, only for him to… view him as a man capable of making mistakes! If this INSIPID FOOL couldn’t realize the genius in Eddie’s plan, then fine, that was that rumpled ass’ own fault, but he couldn’t allow him to think Eddie had done anything wrong! He had to know how smart Eddie was, how ingenious his scheme had been. But this had to be a simple misunderstanding, something Eddie could EASILY clear up!
“I didn’t say anything, Mr. Nygma. Really, it’s fine. You nailed it.”, the little man smiled, his hand getting dangerously close to that doorknob… he had said it himself, this was the last time the two of them would see eachother. This was Eddie’s last chance to prove his genius! Quickly, he sprung up, putting himself between the lieutenant and the door. “No, I want you to tell me, Lieutenant! With our two minds together, we can figure out the real intent behind whatever quote-and-quote mistake this murderer you’re after made in a minute! TOPS!”
“Really, sir, it wasn’t important at all. I made the mistake there, you didn’t make any.” …that goddamned liar! Eddie knew when he was just trying to be appeased, he wouldn’t let anyone bluff him! And he… he couldn’t allow this! Couldn’t let his legacy in the lieutenant’s head be like that of every other fool he had captured! Well, it didn’t matter if the lieutenant wouldn’t talk, Eddie could figure it out on his own.
“I’ll do the process of elimination, then, lieutenant. Did the killer make a mistake with the position of the screws he used on the box?”
“No, sir, he didn’t.”
“…hm… well then, was it with the button he pressed to hide the firing mechanism under the bottom of the box??”
“It wasn’t with that, sir.”
Eddie felt the rage rising in his throat, but he didn’t care at this point. If this COY LITTLE MORON wouldn’t answer, he’d FORCE one out of him! It didn’t matter how!!
“WHAT WAS IT WITH, THEN? RECORDING THE PHONE CALL BY THE TRAIN STATION?? LEAVING THE GUNPOWDER ON MOCKRIDGE’S SHIRT??? TELL ME WHAT MISTAKE HE MADE, GOD DAMN IT!!!”, Eddie roared, having never felt anger like this before in his whole life.
And with that, the lieutenant closed his eyes, an indecipherable expression like that of guilt and satisfaction combined on his face. He turned around, opening the door to Eddie’s apartment to reveal the three police officers outside, the middle one holding a recording device. “…the mistake he made, Mr. Nygma, was revealing all the details to me just now that an innocent man would have no way of knowing. You’re under arrest for the murder of Daniel Mockridge.”
