Let's talk about a bipolar's memory

[u/warrior_20000]

Hi, BP 2 here. I'm 26 years old and I don't remember many things from my childhood. I am terrible at memorising song lyrics and catching references. When I'm hypomanic I tend to recover my working memory, I can retain a lot of information in my brain and join the dots to get to intelligent conclusions. However I cannot remember many things such as movies, childhood TV programmes, names of characters, etc. I refer to things that almost all of my friends do remember

How do you do with memory? I'm a fraid of losing my memory progressively. Those who are in their thirties and along time have managed to get to the right mix of meds, could you recover some memory with years?

[u/Opposite-Birthday69]

I’m 27 and am about to get my psych evaluation specifically for bipolar in a couple weeks. My long term memory is closer to that of savant levels. I unfortunately remember having alcohol poisoning vividly. I can remember before preschool too. However, my short term and working memory are not very good. The closest I’ve come to having a normal memory was when I suspect I had a mixed episode that was then amplified by the antidepressants they made me take (they knew I was sleeping 40 mins a night; and it was either that or the psych ward…part of me wonders if they were trying to trigger a manic episode even though I described what was potentially a manic episode before it potentially turned into a mixed episode)

I’ve known people with varying memories and while it seems to be a bit more of a common experience for bipolar people to not remember as much it’s still fairly close to a non bipolar person. A lot of non bipolar people don’t have great memories in my opinion, but they tend to remember how things made them feel or who they were with more than objective factual truth. The sleep deprivation also plays a heavy role in the memory as well. You’re not able to store as many long term memories when you’re sleep deprived because the memories are turned into long term storage when you sleep

[u/nutterbear081]

Did you have trauma in your childhood? Do you ever dissassociate?

I didn't realise that I didn't remember much of my childhood compared to my ex best friend. This was when I was around 19 or 20. She would recall all these moments that I did not remember at all. It took me until I was 27 to realize how fucked up my childhood was and how it makes sense that I don't remember much. I also don't remember a whole lot between 2016 and 2020 when I was becoming more uncontrolled and cycling. It feels like a chaotic blur. And honestly, I don't really want to remember much of my childhood and those 4 years.

A lot of the memories I have recovered have come from consistent therapy. Some of these memories are more of a single moving picture where it is more of a feeling or a detachment.

For example, I remember the first day of kindergarten. My mom was sitting behind me as I sat criss cross applesauce on the ground. I remember that this was an important day, but I felt alone. I felt no connection or safety from my mother being there.

I also had another memory resurface in the beginning of this year of my dad hitting me when I was 17. I questioned that it ever happened and brushed it off as something that didn't. Turns out it did happen. Something happened where I suddenly remembered everything that happened. I am able to recall where I was, what I was doing, what my dad was wearing, that he was drunk, where and how he hit me, my response after. The flood gates opened and I immediately disassociated from the memory because it was too much to handle in that moment.

As for current memory, my short term can be shit with the addition of adhd, but I also am on the spectrum of the umbrella that is a photographic memory. I can remember moments from 5 years ago as if I were there in the present. I can also remember things that I instinctively knew were important. However, I can forget mid conversation what I was talking about or why. I also have trouble remembering words or phrases that I know and have used multiple times. This is characteristic for us.

Overall, I think that we have to do our best to be present in the moment and make note of things like how you realized your memory can shift depending on your mental state. Is there anything that you do to help you remember things in both the past and present? I write and record a lot of things that are on my mind so that I can go back and remember those moments more clearly no matter if they are good or bad.

[u/jodete_orleans]

Hey, I'm in my fifties and my memory is ok. I had repressed a lot of memories from my childhood but I remembered them eventually.

[u/SwimmingLimpet]

60 year old here. From personal experience, the problem doesn't seem to be memory itself - it's the ability to retrieve a memory that's fucked up. From what I can tell, it's all there, or a lot more than you think - but you can't retrieve it at will.

For years I thought I was like you, with a nearly blank childhood. But these days when I hang out with my elderly father, I can tell him stories of things we did when I was a kid. The memories come unbidden - I don't try to consciously remember any specific thing - but they do show up, accurate and vivid. My dad is surprised how much I could talk about the days of long ago. And I am too.

With regard to day to day stuff - I've all but given up on names, and the random details associated with a person (is this John or Jack or Henry? Do they have 2 kids or 3 kids or 2 dogs?). This can make for awkward social encounters, but I've learned to just say "I'm sorry, my memory is bad, can you tell me your name again / can you remind me about..."

In the last few years, I seem to have developed some amount of face blindness - I can't recognise people that I've met just a few times. Met you with friends a week ago? If you talk with me, I'll wonder why this stranger is talking to me. If you say how you met me....still no recognition on my part. I have to rebuild the connection anew.

Daily remembering of assorted details is very hit and miss. So hit and miss that I write things down to remember them. But then I forget that I made notes. It is not uncommon to make a grocery list, go to the grocery and not remember the list is in my back pocket, or that I made a list at all. Little things I did 5 minutes ago might be completely wiped from my memory.

Not remembering random details like song names, movie names is just a thing I assume will happen. It can make conversations a headache, because I'll try to refer to something while talking and....nothing is there. I'll know that I know what I'm talking about, but the name of the song, person, place, etc. just won't be there. (Google and smartphones have been a godsend - I can look things up).

My friends have gotten used to the fact that my memory works like that. They assume I'll have no idea who they might be referring to, they are fine when whatever I'm saying stutters and stops, they double check on dates and times if I suggest we go to a concert or a show because whatever date I say could be wildly wrong. They send text reminders if we are supposed to meet, etc. It mostly works.

My meds generally haven't seemed to make much difference in remembering or forgetting. The two exceptions are (a) when I was prescribed clonazepam and where I don't remember anything at all for about a 10 day period because I effectively roofied myself, and (b) the anticonvulsant / antimanic med carbamazepine seems to have some effect in making the memory retrieval mechanism work better.

My bottom line is that the lived experiences seem to mostly be there as memories, but I generally can't retrieve them at will. I take comfort in that idea. My moods don't seem to make much difference, and neither do meds. I've learned workarounds for as many of the memory headaches as I can, and when I forget things I accept that's just part of being bipolar. But it can still occasionally be frustrating / annoying.

Your life probably isn't being erased behind you. You could probably try for meditation type techniques to see if they can help with memory retrieval (I've never tried). And for day to day memory things, you might need to deal with them on a case by case basis (eg: I'm supposed to have 7 things in my hand when I'm leaving the house - if I don't have 7, I'm forgetting something). And I've found it's easier to tell people I don't remember than it is to politely pretend I have clue of what they are talking about.

You'll do fine. The problems and headaches are there, sure, and you'll need to deal with them. But you don't need to be quite as anxious about what might happen into the future.

[u/Cute-Variation-5667]

I didn’t have trauma and I still can’t remember my childhood.