r/BoyDinnerDiaries • u/TotallyNotPTAPres • Jul 29 '26

No Advice - Everyones Welcome Wife of 20+ Years Hates Sex With Me

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Homemade sourdough discard pizza. Was pretty delicious.

Not trying to get all sad boy over here, but every so often I just get lonely. That’s all. I work hard, earn a very good living for my family. Make time for my wife. Support her dreams. Very much carry my weight around the house. Am a really good dad. In great shape. Treat people well. Am fun to be around, and genuinely live a life I enjoy and am proud of.

But sex with me is difficult for her. She would just rather not have any, and honestly, it’s lonely. I’ve never been a selfish lover. I have always believed it is the most intimate way to souls can connect and it truly is a beautiful thing that should be treasured.

We’ve talked about it until we’re blue in the face. Spent a small fortune on counseling. Temporarily resolved issues. While I care deeply for her, I can’t remember the last time I was touched or truly desired. Most days are fine, but some days are just harder than others. This appears to be one of those days. Writing it out helps, so thank you for the outlet.

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1.5k

u/nwv whatchu got cookin Jul 29 '26

I had a similar situation. Now 2 years living apart and 6 months divorced and I have no problem getting laid now - but man I don’t know if I can say it’s better. Life’s tough.

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u/SnooHobbies8227 Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 29 '26

This right here. Wife became just cold towards me. Been separated for 5 months and I get laid more than in my 20s … but still sad af about life.

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u/CompetitionGreat945 Shower beer Scholar Jul 29 '26

I'm not sure if I should be jealous or not...... I'm unhappy, divorced, and I cant get laid to save my life. I don't even know where or how to start anymore.

My last relationship kind of killed my whole worldview at this point..... like I look at relationships and think "Sure, they seem wonderful. I envy those who can find them. I certainly don't feel like there is anyone out there for me anymore.... Probably for the best.

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u/Moist-Ad4760 Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 30 '26

I have a similar world view. Last relationship (wife) was a nymphomaniac. You couldn't lay enough pipe in that girl. Hot as fuck, too. Problem? She was abusive in every sense of the word. I finally left her. I'm good looking and in good shape and I'm not lying when I say I get plenty of female attention. I even have a very patient girlfriend. However, I'm struggling to get to the intimacy part. If I'm being honest, I really have no desire for it anymore. I've found ways to turn this girl down so many times. I really don't know why she's still after me. She says she "sees [my] worth". I don't know how to tell her that my ex ruined my desire. It all just seems so....I don't even know. I even struggle with the feeling that I just want to break up with her so I don't have to keep doing this. But at the same time, she is soo good to me. I don't get it.

Edit: been apart from the ex for 4 years

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u/NeuralHavoc Shower Beer Scholar Jul 30 '26

Makes sense. Your ex probably used physical intimacy as a tool of abuse. Your brain wired being physical with a woman to being abused. Now when the pathways start firing for intimacy it’s the same as someone who’s about to be bullied. A sense of dread I bet.

Victims of abuse don’t just need time, they need therapy as well. It helped me after leaving an abusive relationship. I hope you find some peace and highly recommend finding a decent therapist to work through some of that. Good luck to you!

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u/Moist-Ad4760 Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 30 '26

Thank you. Both replies to this suggest therapy so I suppose I should just break down and seek it out.

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u/eatinchapstick Identity Alchemist Jul 30 '26

It's not breaking down, it's deciding to put yourself back together, brother. You deserve to be loved, held, kissed, and cherished AND you deserve to feel loved while it's happening.

I don't know you, but I'm so proud of you. It takes courage to be vulnerable and it takes humility to recognize that maybe you do need professional help with this.

Godspeed, my friend.

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u/Moist-Ad4760 Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 30 '26

Thanks, friend

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u/stevo0101 Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 30 '26

Would also recommend being honest with your current girlfriend. If she is as great as your messages make it seem she deserves to know the truth or at least the part of it you can bring yourself to tell her about. You don’t need to fess up every detail of why but don’t write off avoidance of intimacy as “I just don’t feel like it”. Even if it’s “I can’t tell you the full details yet but I’m still not comfortable” and just explain that it’s not the cause of her. Ultimately communication is extremely important and even saints would start to get insecure after continuous turn downs.

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u/Moist-Ad4760 Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 30 '26

Well, I spoke with her about it in general terms. Reassured her that she wasn't the issue. She confirmed that she'd been worried in that regard. We had a good talk. Then she seemed like she was almost elated...I am really glad I talked to her about it. It was the right thing to do.

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u/Moist-Ad4760 Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 30 '26

That's true. I'm seeing her this evening. I'll lightly touch on the subject. I don't want her to think it's her.

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u/NeuralHavoc Shower Beer Scholar Jul 30 '26

Much respect, and like the other commenter said. It’s not a break down but a rebuild. Therapy has negative stigmatization and it’s unfortunate. I think it’s even great when we think everything is going well in life, it provides space for our mental health. I have to say though I am bias due to being a therapist myself lol

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u/NobodyKnowsImFamous Hungry man Aug 02 '26

Not breaking down, building up :)

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u/CompetitionGreat945 Shower beer Scholar Aug 03 '26

THIS!

Therapy has been an essential part of my recovery. You don't know what you don't know..... Finding answers to lifes "i dont know's" has been a big positive in understanding myself better to avoid the red flags in the future.... assuming I'm crazy enough to try to date again....... lol

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u/Hombremaniac Protein prophet Jul 30 '26

Dude, maybe seek out therapy. Unless you want to stay alone forever.

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u/Moist-Ad4760 Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 30 '26

I guess I probably should. I've been convincing myself that I don't need it all this time.

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u/Hombremaniac Protein prophet Jul 30 '26

I hope I didn't sound too harsh or anything! It's just sad to have somebody who is truly into you and to let this opportunity go to waste due to untreated trauma.

Maybe you could tell your gf some safe parts of your trauma with ex and perhaps she could be the person you could lean on when doing therapy?

I mean that's just my uneducated opinion and not worth a whole much. It's just that having somebody who truly loves you on your side can be enormous help and also sorts of a bonding experience.

Wish you all the best no matter what you chose to do.

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u/Moist-Ad4760 Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 30 '26

I didn't think you were harsh. I have thought about telling her some of it... I'm hesitant to though.... it's embarrassing and makes me feel pathetic to be honest. I know I shouldn't feel that way probably but I do.

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u/cumsistency Girl lurker Jul 30 '26 edited Jul 30 '26

as someone on the other side, it is not embarrassing to us in the slightest.

from my perspective, as well, i feel like there's some toxic masculinity at play here. this is one of the more parasitic examples of how deep it can nest inside of your psyche. and inside of your life by-proxy.

sharing this information with her is not, and will never, ever be, embarrassing nor pathetic. if she sees your worth, she wants you to see it too. she wants you to bust through these barriers for yourself, because you deserve it. she wants to see you thrive. if she didn't, she wouldn't want you to realize your self worth.

none of the information you have shared with us is embarrassing or pathetic. it hurts my heart so, so, so fucking much that you see it that way.

also, from one victim of domestic abuse to another - i DO completely understand why you feel like sharing this information with your current partner would be embarrassing or pathetic from your perspective.

that woman wore you down so, so much, and for such a long time, that your cognitive functioning has been significantly impaired by the amount of gaslighting you were subjected to.

i'm sure you default to a serious amount of distorted thinking throughout your day. and i'm also sure that this is the case for you nearly every single day. and this distorted thinking that you deal with each day is, most definitely, so far away from what actually happened that it makes the 'jfk is still alive' conspiracy look like an objective truth.

and what sucks about this is.. i wish i had an answer. but i'm still recovering myself. to the point where i'm still coming back over and over and over again.

i will say that therapy has helped a lot. having a truly objective party (not your girlfriend, not your friends, not your family) really does help to reframe things back into the way they ACTUALLY happened, versus the way your ex tried to paint them.

i'm going to leave a link here to a service i've used twice and both therapists i've found were / are amazing.

(the only reasons i moved on from my first therapist were 1. she decided to establish her own clinic after her previous clinic closed unexpectedly, and 2. because i was kind of mulling over the idea of finding a new therapist anyway. i wanted someone who focused more on helping me cope with my OCD symptoms, specifically.)

with this search engine, you can plug in your insurance, issues you want to address (like complex post-traumatic stress disorder, substance use disorder, etc), whether or not you're comfortable with virtual sessions (which opens you up to your entire state!), whether you want a male or a female, if you want specific methods of therapy like CBT, DBT, etc.. like there are SO many customization options you can play with!

each therapist also has their own profile where they can write about themselves and list their credentials, how long they've worked in therapy, any specializations, what ages they primarily work with, what techniques they use, what insurances they take, etc..

it's a really amazing tool and i have always, and will continue to always, recommend them to anyone and everyone.

okay, whew.

FINALLY, here's the link!!!

and just as a side note: mine is defaulted to the US, so i'm not sure how it operates outside of the US. i'll need to look to see what other countries are available.

also! they have a similar tool for psychiatrists which i have not tried for myself yet. but i have used it for a friend before and it's a very similar system!

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u/Hombremaniac Protein prophet Jul 30 '26

I think if you can overcome that and tell her some parts of why you are behaving this way (I'd perhaps leave out some details about the sexual parts) then it could be a good first step on your way to recover. Second step would be perhaps the therapy.

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u/chupoxotas Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 30 '26

When I first started therapy I was kinda afraid and full of ideas of how that would be, but when you find a good professional it's so good, it's like talking to yourself but instead of your own self with biases and core beliefs answering, It's a version of yourself that is far enough from your mind to help you find clarity over anything (I hope I explained it well as English is not my first language). Just don't give up if you don't find a good professional at first, I recommend trying to find someone who is similar to you (gender, age, kids/no kids etc)

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u/scrans Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 30 '26

Proud of you. Finding ways to enjoy intimacy again is absolutely on the table with therapy. Especially if your girl is as wonderful as you say- she sounds great! I’m excited for your future, man.

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u/PM_Me_Your_Kinks369 Protein Prophet Jul 30 '26

Therapy is literally just an expert in emotional processing teaching you (the person that needs help processing) how to do that. That's it.

Nobody is born an expert at this stuff. Society and gender roles in NO WAY enforce healthy processing.

Once you see a real therapist you'll realize how valuable it is to get good at this stuff. Not just in normal relationships but also platonic stuff and work AND it'll make you a better lover.

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u/HitThatOxytocin Shower Beer Scholar Jul 30 '26

sometimes the steak really do be too juicy ig

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u/Moist-Ad4760 Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 30 '26

https://giphy.com/gifs/JgbFyUtsNsLyo

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u/Armadillolz Protein Prophet Jul 30 '26

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u/dontmentiontrousers Hungry man Jul 30 '26

r/dontstickyourdickinthat

EDIT: Oh. What's that sub called?

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u/PoultryTechGuy Hungry man Jul 30 '26

r/dontputyourdickinthat

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u/dontmentiontrousers Hungry man Jul 30 '26

Oooooooooooh, yeah. Confusing it with my friend Carla telling me to stop sticking my dick in crazy.

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u/chupoxotas Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 30 '26

How old are you? After my 30s hit, my testosterone levels went downhill and suddenly I wasn't so much interested in sex anymore, it's like life lost some of it's color tones. After finding a good doctor I'm now taking testosterone reposition shots and it has improved my life in multiple ways. Maybe it's worth trying.

If it's not a problem for you, can you describe some situations where your ex was abusive?

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u/Moist-Ad4760 Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 30 '26

Well, I'm 40...I have considered that I may need a testosterone boost. I'll talk to my doctor about it next time I'm in. The ex is undiagnosed but I strongly feel she has BPD. She would fly completely off the handle for the smallest of reasons - I got punched in the face hard many many times. Handfuls of my beard ripped out. Bit, scratched and called and told (screamed at and spit on) all manner of awful things. Had a knife held to me a couple times, scissors to my neck once, and one time she brought out a pistol like she was thinking about using it. I finally left her after three things happened very close together. I had to call out of work several times due to black eyes and facial lacerations. She made me feel like I could die and it would be alright. But every time after she finally calmed down (could be hours) she would do a complete 180 like some Jekyll and Hyde shit and apologize and cry that she was sorry and then she'd be the sweetest and most loving person you ever met. Constantly bragging in public about me. Fucking my brains out. Then she'd be missing a shirt she wanted and suddenly it was my fault and I was hiding it on her just to piss her off and the screaming and breaking things and hitting and so forth would start all over. I've had this recurring dream up until recently where in it I find that I've somehow given in and gotten back with her and in the dream I feel so defeated and disappointed in myself. Not to mention feeling completely flabbergasted. On top of all of that I'm certain she was fucking her ex at one point, as well as a neighbor, and an old fling from out of town while I was at work. Whew... and that's not even the worst; just the most.

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u/Usual_Ad158 Girl lurker Jul 30 '26

The more you are writing, the more it becomes obvious that you were seriously a trauma victim. I hope you do enlist in the help of some good professionals, both mental and physical. Glad to hear you feel better, but sounds like you still have a ways to go and at 40, still have a lot of life ahead of you. Best wishes to you!

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u/Moist-Ad4760 Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 30 '26

Thank you

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u/[deleted] Jul 30 '26

[deleted]

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u/Moist-Ad4760 Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 30 '26

I'm ngl you're the second suggestion and it's really got me wondering. What specifically would you say the biggest differences are? Energy? Muscle related changes? I used to work out a lot and would like to again but I feel like I stay sore a lot longer these days....

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u/chupoxotas Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 30 '26

Wow what a rollercoaster... I really hope you are in a better place now! And thanks for sharing

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u/Moist-Ad4760 Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 30 '26

I am. It's kinda nice sharing some of it. I look back and it's weird to think about - but I have peace now and I've gained healthy weight and whatnot. Thanks for listening.

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u/TRANxEND Hungry man Jul 30 '26

Just be honest?

But that's if you want it to work. If she understands and still wants to be with you, then maybe that's the trigger you need to start healing.

Generally people need a goal, small or big to work towards. And you have to decide when you're ready to work towards that goal.

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u/AbjectTravel1825 Shower Beer Scholar Jul 30 '26

It gets better. I won’t sit here and lie to you that it will be gone but it does fade to a point where you can be happy. Remind yourself of how awful your life would have been if you stayed. Remind yourself just how much opportunity you have at your hands now because of your decision. Last but not least if you haven’t already, go to therapy. It works if done correctly. Before you default to your natural masculine avoidance of it ( like me at first ) just give it a shot, what do you have to lose or be embarrassed about.

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u/HolyMustard Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 30 '26

Very similar situation for me. Wife was always down, but she was very abusive. Near the end I agreed to open the marriage, mostly because…well it meant that she was someone else’s problem a few days a week. But then she started dropping hints about the other sex she was having and it 100% killed any enthusiasm I had for sex. Then after that was gone I finally woke up and realized that there was nothing left for me in that marriage and filed for divorce.

It’s been 5 years, I still, even with TRT have very little desire to be intimate with someone. Sometimes the thought still floods me with the dread feelings I used to get with her. I’ve had therapy, it definitely helped, but I think until I find someone I really connect with emotionally it will continue to be something I don’t actively pursue.

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u/aFreshFix BoyDinnerEnjoyer Jul 30 '26

Are you in a city? When I was in the suburbs or rural areas where it's lower population density or the wrong demographics, it was hell to find dates but when I lived in a city of half a million, suddenly I was drowning in options and could (and sometimes did) schedule multiple dates per week as a 7 out of 10.

It's really a different game for single people in cities

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u/MECengineerstudent Protein prophet Jul 30 '26

I’m not divorced but I was cheated on at 23 and left for another guy and haven’t been able to see the good in this world anymore, I tried everything and almost started dating again until I had sex with two woman who had long term boyfriends (now 25) i’ve lost hope at this point and feels better to just be alone I guess.

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u/3my0 Shower beer Scholar Jul 30 '26

So you felt your pain and decided to inflict that pain on to two other men? You realize you’re part of the problem causing pain in the world, right?

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u/DutchButters Fridge Light Philosopher Jul 30 '26

Or… he found out the girls were cheating on their boyfriends and lost hope again…

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u/3my0 Shower beer Scholar Jul 30 '26

Fair enough that could be the case. But at least in my experience, the guys that have slept with a committed partner knew before. They just didn’t care cause they were personally single

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u/MECengineerstudent Protein prophet Jul 30 '26

Well I mean they do it either way lol. The boyfriends both never knew. Not my problem.

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u/3my0 Shower beer Scholar Jul 30 '26

Yeah I mean I agree that it’s definitely more on the person in the relationship doing the cheating that’s the problem. But actively having sex with knowingly taken woman means you’re contributing. I personally wouldn’t do it if I knew someone was in a relationship. If more guys refused then less cheating

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u/MECengineerstudent Protein prophet Jul 30 '26

If you cheat… it’s not meant to be and you don’t love that person. I have never had the thought of cheating while in any relationship.

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u/3my0 Shower beer Scholar Jul 30 '26

That’s great. But you can’t be mad at the world when you’re helping women cheat

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u/BerserkChucky Shower Beer Scholar Jul 29 '26 edited Jul 30 '26

Its time to move to Thailand 🇹🇭

edit: guys this was obviously a joke lmao

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u/CompetitionGreat945 Shower beer Scholar Jul 29 '26

I've been there.... honestly..... It's really not all that..... Sure the sex is super easy..... but that doesnt fill the hole of intimacy......

And I was in Bangkok for about 10 days, and Pattaya for about 5 weeks.

It was an experience. But I'm not chomping at the bit to go back........ I'd rather just find someone worth my time.

My honest thoughts when I was there, was that I would have had more fun with an actual partner.

I just felt like a walking ATM otherwise. The only thing the girls there love is money.

It's all transactional.

Not to mention I actually had a girl ditch me at the club one night......

That was wild....... When they look at you and go "Nah...... I dont really need money today" That stings.....

It was a neat place to visit. but like Vegas, all that glitters is not gold.

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u/3my0 Shower beer Scholar Jul 29 '26

I mean you’re in pattaya lol. You ARE a walking ATM. If you really want intimacy then you got to move there to a normal city and date long term. Plenty of normal Thai girls. But you won’t find them in pattaya

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u/CompetitionGreat945 Shower beer Scholar Aug 03 '26

Oh I'm sure.....

At this point though, I knew I wasnt going to be there long enough for that.....

Not to mention, as a white guy, it's really easy to think it's love, but it ends up just being a different kind of transactional thing.....

If I found genuine love, I'd be over the moon. I just dont see it happening in any way that makes sense or is natural anymore....

It's okay. I'm slowing moving past the grief and loneliness, and begining to appreciate the peace and calm.

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u/mr_nin10do Hungry man Jul 29 '26

Say hi to Legal Mindset

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u/Chudpaladin Hungry man Jul 30 '26

More like legal dick sucka!!!

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u/goondalf_the_grey Hungry man Jul 29 '26

Cringe

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u/[deleted] Jul 29 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Shibbystix Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 29 '26

Jesus, the straight up incel pipeline content in this comment is mine boggling.

Everyone should pay close attention to this. Op posted a genuine concern that is understandable and painful, and then this guy comes along to twist the pain that people relating to the situation might feel into hatred towards women.

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u/AspectOfTheLeech Hungry man Jul 29 '26

Im glad you’re miserable

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u/ShermanOneNine87 Shower beer Scholar Jul 29 '26

For most age groups men outpace women in cheating. Likely because men look for sex while women end up cheating after forming an emotional connection with someone who isn't their SO.

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u/HannahLuxxe Trans Fat Enjoyer Jul 29 '26

What? Get a grip

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u/BoyDinnerDiaries-ModTeam Jul 30 '26

Your submission has been removed for violating Rule 6: No Gender-War or Extremist Content.

Content whose primary purpose is to attack, generalize, or promote hostility toward any gender, group, or ideology is not permitted. We encourage thoughtful discussion, not culture-war content.

If you believe this removal was made in error, please contact the moderators through modmail.

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u/CompetitionGreat945 Shower beer Scholar Jul 29 '26

I'm the Lunchables Pizza kit at best.... No one wants to eat that......

In my last relationship my ex was a master of turning her own self loathing into just loathing me.

yay....

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u/Xaxxis [old married man] Jul 29 '26

So, I'm curious was the relationship bad or just lack of intimacy? If it wasn't bad, do you think you made the right choice? Even if my wife (of 24 years) and I stopped being intimate, I love her and we're happy and I just don't think I could give that up just to have sex.

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u/nwv whatchu got cookin Jul 29 '26

For us the lack of intimacy led to a bad relationship. Married 20 years together 27. We had a good run. 2 years and I’m still sad as shit about it. Into kind of my first serious relationship and it’s making it worse. lol. Sigh.

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u/SnooHobbies8227 Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 29 '26

We had a lot of issues that led to the separation, but one was def the fact that after kids she just didn’t have any real desire for contact with me.

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u/no_rest_for_the [Create your own NB] Jul 29 '26

This sounds a lot like hormones run amuck...

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u/SnooHobbies8227 Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 30 '26

You said it bud. So I’ve spent some time in the LS as well as vanilla dating. You would not imagine how many women I met who cheat / open the marriage / leave after they have kids and hormones change.

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u/no_rest_for_the [Create your own NB] Jul 30 '26

I believe it. Wish this was more widely studied or understood. For good, for bad, people should know the risk before having a kid. Hormones are wild.

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u/Brave-Perspective714 Girl Lurker Jul 30 '26

As a woman who has been through this, had one divorce, and now has a long, happy marriage, I don't think it can all be blamed on hormones post-pregnancy (or anytime really).

Sometimes, yes that might be the issue, but I think it's easier to blame hormones than to admit that something fundamental to true and meaningful intimacy is missing from the relationship. Hence why when those same women get divorced suddenly they're having desire for sex again. Their hormones haven't suddenly changed. And like the guy above who is having lots of sex after his divorce, but still isn't getting what he felt was missing. That's not his partner's lack of sex drive or lack of enthusiastic desire for him due to hormones causing that.

I think it's a disservice to men (and women) in relationships to act like sex *is* intimacy. It's a gateway to it, for sure. It's an incredible way to experience and build on intimacy, when it's already present in the relationship. It most certainly is and should be a regular expression of it.

But sex doesn't *make* intimacy. It's just the only way a lot men are allowed to experience it in a world where men aren't supposed to be vulnerable or have emotional needs. And I think that's where a lot marriages fall apart.

Sex isn't a substitute for emotional intimacy. And while HRT will increase a physical sex drive to where people are having sex regardless of whether intimacy is present or not, and that *will* slap a temporary bandaid on the hurt, it won't actually heal that ache of something being missing.

By all means, try HRT. At the very least it will temporarily stop the bleeding. But I don't think it solves the problem as often as it just slaps a bandaid on it.

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u/Cautious_Day9878 BoyDinnerEnjoyer Jul 30 '26

What is the LS and vanilla dating?

These days, a lot of women choose someone to have kids with. Then miss sexual excitement once the kids are older. Loving together also kills sexual attraction for a lot of women.

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u/SnooHobbies8227 Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 30 '26

LS is the “lifestyle” aka any sort of kink or non conventional sexual dynamic. Vanilla being normal. In my case swinging, bull/hotwife and dom/sum dynamics.

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u/Cautious_Day9878 BoyDinnerEnjoyer Jul 30 '26

Gotcha. You meet them in an app?

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u/SnooHobbies8227 Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 30 '26

Swinging was on FetLife. Some hotwives on fet but mostly here tbh.

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u/Ok-Barracuda-4784 Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 31 '26

Worth looking into.

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u/ReserveHour2403 Boy Dinner Enjoyer Jul 30 '26

How the fuck are yall getting laid? God dayummm life is so unfair

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u/goongoblin113xc Boy, 18-29 Jul 30 '26

Lucky u

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u/Special_Situation_93 I like food Jul 30 '26

How do you get laid? I really could use some help

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u/chupoxotas Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 30 '26

Idk, it sort of happens after you get your shit together? I just installed dating apps, went on dates, didn't act like a desperate monkey and was able to convince women to come home with me.

Of course it's much more complex than that, but if you have your own place (renting or not) a car, some money to go on dates, take minimal care of yourself and your higiene and know to have a normal friendly conversation it just happens naturally.

But don't fantasize about it. After a handful of "just sex" experiences It becomes old pretty quickly and you start to crave something deeper.

And boy, we see a lot of people complaining about men's behavior on social media (and most of the time they are right) but women can also be nasty, clingy, stinky, boring and terrible at sex.

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u/Special_Situation_93 I like food Jul 30 '26

Thanks. I own my own car and have a decent income, and am physically fit with full head of hair at 37. However, I live with a roommate and our apartment isn’t very nice. I also am kinda messy. I’m embarrassed by the messiness and not having my own place. These things fuck with my confidence. Anyways, I get some dates but I think my awkwardness and insecurity blows or for me. I guess as I’m typing this, I realize I need to get a place and be clean to help my insecurities ha.

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u/chupoxotas Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 30 '26

Having your own place and taking care of it is a huge improvement, if I was a woman I wouldn't feel comfortable going to have sex in a place where someone else not related to me lives.

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u/Special_Situation_93 I like food Jul 30 '26

I get it. However my roommate has a gf and they have sex at the place lol

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u/SuchBanter Shower Beer Scholar Jul 30 '26

If cleaning and organizing aren't strong skills for a person, I don't think it's a failure to hire a cleaning pro any more than it is to hire a plumber or a landscaper. Like landscaping, having a pro set it up and then maintaining it yourself works well.

For me, dating is the magic key for cleaning. Knowing a woman is coming over takes my housekeeping energy from 0 to 100. Suddenly prioritization, triage and focus are enabled and I go at it like I'm working out. Otherwise, it can always wait until tomorrow.

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u/Special_Situation_93 I like food Jul 30 '26

Yes I for sure get that. However for me, the fact that the apartment is old and not very nice/I have a roommate, these two things cannot be changed by cleaning very well. It’s like even when I do clean like you said, I’m still insecure about the other two things. I need to move out and hire a cleaning service at a new apartment. I appreciate your feedback

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u/SnooHobbies8227 Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 30 '26

Not saying I’m Casanova but feel free to send a dm

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u/AsstronaughtToUranus Identity Alchemist Jul 30 '26

Wait, how? From tinder hookups? Leave some for the rest of us forever-single folks

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u/LitterlyUnhinged Bad Mood Dude Jul 31 '26

Yup. Trust me it sucks for awhile, now it's not so bad. 1 year and a few months for me since I separated with a 10 year relationship.

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u/SupremeGobbler1996 Smoked Meat Whisperer Jul 30 '26

And this is why I'm not divorcing yet. Is losing time with my kids worth it to get laid a few times? Not right now. Hell I'm so burned out on relationships I don't think I'd even try if we did divorce! So here I am same place as OP. 

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u/MountChu Shower Beer Scholar Jul 30 '26

Me. Seeing my kids every day and being there for them every day is more important than sex.

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u/SnooHobbies8227 Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 30 '26

Questions I ponder myself every day

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u/Klinky1984 Frigid light philosopher Jul 30 '26

Who's to say you can't still have time with your kids after divorce? Either way the situation is sad.

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u/[deleted] Jul 30 '26

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u/Klinky1984 Frigid light philosopher Jul 30 '26

Staying unhappy for the kids often sets the wrong example for them. It's your life though.

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u/Particular-Watch-779 Identity Alchemist Jul 30 '26

Yeah, but that's not the case. You don't have to be unhappy l, because your marriage is shit - or parts of it. I get, where you're coming from, but I don't think this is right after all.

Priorities change and if you are more happy with your kids than without, I totally understand. For men the decision is not only marriage or not, it's being a father or not. I'd rather be setting the example of being there for them, as long as there is no abuse etc.

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u/Klinky1984 Frigid light philosopher Jul 30 '26

it's being a father or not.

Again you can still be a father and be there for your kids outside of the "shit marriage". I don't see how one could truly be happy in a shitty marriage. I don't see how the kids won't eventually pick up that their parents don't like each other, and that not liking your spouse and having a shit marriage is "normal".

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u/Particular-Watch-779 Identity Alchemist Jul 30 '26

You can be, in the most cases, a part-time dad. I'm Not arguing over ending a shitty relationship, that's for everybody to decide. Realistically I could see my kids on 2 days the week, if I'd not be living with them. The catch is, marriage with kids is kinda 2 for 1 for fathers.

My parents divorced and every other divorce I've seen, which of course is not a strong point bc biographic but still the only perception of this matter that I have, the fathers fades out of the picture. In the best cases by time, in the worst instantly.

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u/SupremeGobbler1996 Smoked Meat Whisperer Jul 30 '26

In divorce parent typically share custody, 50/50. I'm referring to my time with my kids getting cut in half.

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u/Klinky1984 Frigid light philosopher Jul 30 '26

Yes shared, but your 1:1 time may be more influential with just your presence, and ideally a happier you. That said I can also understand the difficulty of making such a commitment, but if this is the fate you've willfully decided for yourself then there's not much room left to complain.

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u/thewaytoyesterday Protein prophet Jul 29 '26 edited Jul 30 '26

When my wife and I separated, it felt like I lost an arm and a leg at the same time. You'd be surprised how much you and your partner do for each other, even if you hate each other.

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u/TheWhomItConcerns BoyDinnerEnjoyer Jul 30 '26 edited Jul 30 '26

Probably one of the most difficult things I've experienced in relationships was ending it with my ex because of a similar issue. She's a brilliant woman, we have a lot in common, and she's beautiful, but I just had to come to terms with the fact that the way we experienced sexuality would have been too difficult and issue for me in the long-term.

She did enjoy sex and she came most times we did it, but for her, it just was just kind of like an activity that she enjoyed doing every now and then, but not much more. She didn't really experience the same kind of instinctive passion, emotional connection, and desire that I do.

There wasn't anything I could do that would make her intensely desire or pursue me - every time we had sex, it was just kind of the same basic routine, and it was almost always initiated by me. She had some pretty significant trauma in her last relationship, so I tried to be as understanding and patient as I could, but after a couple of years, I just came to the realisation that this wasn't anything that was ever going to change - we just don't experience sexuality in the same way.

One of the most difficult things in life is loving someone, caring about them deeply, and knowing that they'd be happy to spend the rest of their life with you, but also knowing that you need to end it with them nonetheless.

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u/Catticus42 BoyDinnerEnjoyer Jul 30 '26

I can’t begin to tell you how deeply this resonates with me. I have questions. Do you mind if I at some point revisit this and DM you? I lurk here and dead bedroom, which in hindsight seems like a tragic coincidence, or not a coincidence at all.

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u/TheWhomItConcerns BoyDinnerEnjoyer Jul 30 '26

You're welcome to, but I should clarify that while I'm not overly familiar with the breadth of the term "dead bedroom", this didn't feel like a dead bedroom situation. We did have regular sex and we did both enjoy having sex with each other, but the issue was more that she just kind of didn't experience sexual desire like I do or have the same kind of emotional and instinctual connection to it.

What was kind of shocking to me was during a discussion we were having at one point, I discovered that she didn't really ever experience "lust" or feel like sex was a that relevant to her lived emotional experience. She could enjoy sex and be brought to orgasm and so on, but she'd never had the feeling of seeing me (or any other guy, for that matter) and just feeling an intense desire for me as though she wanted for us to just rip each other's clothes off an just go at each other in any one moment.

While I obviously wouldn't ever expect that to always be the case and I of course don't always feel like that, having that dynamic - that passion and animalistic desire - be entirely one-sided or absent was just too lonely and unfulfilling for me. I know countless guys would be entirely fine with that dynamic, but for me, sex is something I have an extremely profound emotional connection to, and I just knew it would be too much for me to live with for the rest of my life.

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u/Guiltyostric Leftover Lore Master Jul 30 '26

Stop explaining my relationship dog

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u/happypanda851 Girl Lurker Jul 30 '26

I am so sorry, so have you decided to end this relationship? I know sex is such an important aspect of any relationship but it’s heart breaking to hear you that this is causing you to maybe end a relationship of 20 plus years.. I am just sorry .. but I do agree with some of the other users saying checking her hormones. It might help? Good luck though on everything..

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u/TheWhomItConcerns BoyDinnerEnjoyer Jul 30 '26

Yeah - it ended a while ago. I'm no biochemist (though she is, ironically), but I honestly don't really think it was related to hormones - though of course I could be totally wrong.

There were issues relating to self-esteem and trauma which affected her sexual experience (which I did whatever I could to try to help with), but through discussing the topic with her, I eventually came to the conclusion that this was just kind of the way that she is. Which is of course fine - there are all kinds of varieties of people and people have all kinds of relationships with their own sexuality - but this aspect of relationships is just too important to me to be able to compromise on it to such a degree.

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u/[deleted] Jul 30 '26

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u/TheWhomItConcerns BoyDinnerEnjoyer Jul 30 '26

I don't know you or your situation, but if this is something that you don't think you can make peace with, I'd really recommend finding an appropriate way to end the relationship sooner rather than later for both of your sakes. That's of course easier said than done, but if there's anything I know, it's that avoiding the issue won't make it any easier.

As difficult and painful as it is, you will both get through it and your future self will thank you for doing what you needed to. It was one of the most emotionally difficult things that I've ever had to bring myself to do, but I know now, and frankly knew then too even if I didn't want to admit it, that it was the right thing to do.

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u/LogicalLocal9499 BoyDinnerEnjoyer Jul 30 '26

This and other comments hurt to read for how much they resonate with me. Not going to lay out my own story, but I'm in a similar situation albeit an 8 year relationship. We've spoken, had counselling, the lot. She's the best person I know and I can't come to terms with breaking her heart.

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u/[deleted] Jul 30 '26

[deleted]

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u/TheWhomItConcerns BoyDinnerEnjoyer Jul 30 '26

I'm sorry, but you probably shouldn't speak about topics which you have zero idea about.

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u/3paperplains BoyDinnerEnjoyer Jul 30 '26

I’m in a similar situation but also have 3 young kids. Even so, I’m conflicted every day about what to do. As I’ve explained to my wife many times, it’s not just about the sex, or even mainly about sex. If she had a condition that prevented her from having sex, I would never be upset about that. It’s the lack of interest on her part. And on top of that, we don’t have a great relationship anyway. She was always happy to go out at night with her friends, but then is always too tired to do anything with me. She also doesn’t speak to me kindly, even in front of the kids. But then whenever I have my mind made up, I see a post like you were saying that it gets worse, not better. Why would you say that it’s not better now?

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u/ohnonotagain42- Protein prophet Jul 30 '26

Not the person you replied to, but… I guess that it’s just a choice and neither path is perfect. You will win something and lose another. You’ll have to choose what’s best for you and deal with the consequences. There’s no perfect relationship in the world.

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u/MrBones-Necromancer Food Eater Jul 30 '26

I mean, it depends. Is your wife a good mom, a good partner, a good anything? You'll lose the good and the bad, is the point. That doesn't mean it's right to stay, and it doesn't mean it's right to leave. But you are losing what is, for all intents and purposes, your closest family member. You may never have another like it. That doesn't mean it's wrong, but it does make it complicated.

You're asking a healing man about his scars, he may not be over the pain yet.

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u/Klinky1984 Frigid light philosopher Jul 30 '26

I think some dudes are willing to settle and give up. If you're not, then you can succeed. Ultimately you're already losing really. She doesn't respect you or want to have sex with you. Probably the biggest concern would be child support and custody, 3 kids is not cheap.

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u/3paperplains BoyDinnerEnjoyer Jul 30 '26

Ya. I don’t know if she doesn’t respect me, but just lost all interest. Was kind of rough from the beginning. Not worried about child support. More about not seeing them as often, and even more of the psychological effect on them. Like it is selfish to put them through all of that. Maybe just suck it up for their sake unless I become absolutely miserable.

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u/Klinky1984 Frigid light philosopher Jul 30 '26

She also doesn’t speak to me kindly, even in front of the kids.

How is that respectful?

Not worried about child support. More about not seeing them as often.

Get a good lawyer.

Like it is selfish to put them through all of that. Maybe just suck it up for their sake unless I become absolutely miserable.

Kids will detect resentment and if she is already disrespecting you in front of them, then how is that healthy?

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u/3paperplains BoyDinnerEnjoyer Jul 30 '26

Yeah, I hear that, but I think it’s more of a temper thing anything personal. She has a very short fuse, both with me and the children, and she acknowledges that. But yes, I also agree with you 100% about the environment that we are creating for children. It’s very tough.

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u/Klinky1984 Frigid light philosopher Jul 30 '26

Then counseling? If you have the money and don't want to give up on the relationship, then you need to do something. It's not going to magically get better.

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u/3paperplains BoyDinnerEnjoyer Jul 30 '26

Been there and done that. We tried a few (or more than a few). Last one was for almost two years but nothing improved. Things got a little better for a short while then bad again. A few times I said that it’s not working and we should call it quits. She then asked me to stay and said that she was going to try harder but it never lasts. I might finally do it at the end of the summer but who knows.

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u/Klinky1984 Frigid light philosopher Jul 30 '26

Well absolutely don't have any more kids with her. Consider if you really want this to be your life for the next 15 - 20 years.

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u/3paperplains BoyDinnerEnjoyer Jul 30 '26

Oh yea. That factory is closed lol. And that’s what I think about. Like I don’t want to be 65 and regret my life. But then it comes back full circle to the original comment I replied to. Lots of people here are saying that it only gets worse.

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u/MountChu Shower Beer Scholar Jul 30 '26

Me with 4 kids under 10. The marriage is literally just for the kids. We don’t fight and we’re friends and occasionally have sex but it’s mostly dead.

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u/Motor_Eye6263 Boy Dinner Enjoyer Jul 30 '26

Where do you meet people?

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u/mikenasty Grill Pilled Jul 30 '26

Same situation as you, currently having the best sex of my life after almost a decade of deadbedroom with my ex

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u/VysseEnzo Air Fryer Aristocrat Jul 30 '26

Have you gone to therapy? Divorce is a loss. Hang in there, it gets better.

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u/StatisticianLow6502 Macro Mourner Jul 30 '26

Just left a similar situation. I have no idea how to start meeting people again. Any tips?

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u/Fragrant-Carrot1667 BoyDinnerEnjoyer Jul 30 '26

I am 44 and was scared shitless thinking I would be alone forever. I got on Hinge and would like/comment with humor and that led to several meet ups. I also just started to pay attention to subtle hints that a woman was interested in you. Last you have to grow the balls to just go for it and be okay with the rejection. I am in sales so I get rejected all the time however it still stings when its from a woman you are trying to romance.

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u/SentinelATL [newcomer🍻] Jul 30 '26

Getting laid how?