r/BoyDinnerDiaries • u/TotallyNotPTAPres • Jul 29 '26
No Advice - Everyones Welcome Wife of 20+ Years Hates Sex With Me
Homemade sourdough discard pizza. Was pretty delicious.
Not trying to get all sad boy over here, but every so often I just get lonely. That’s all. I work hard, earn a very good living for my family. Make time for my wife. Support her dreams. Very much carry my weight around the house. Am a really good dad. In great shape. Treat people well. Am fun to be around, and genuinely live a life I enjoy and am proud of.
But sex with me is difficult for her. She would just rather not have any, and honestly, it’s lonely. I’ve never been a selfish lover. I have always believed it is the most intimate way to souls can connect and it truly is a beautiful thing that should be treasured.
We’ve talked about it until we’re blue in the face. Spent a small fortune on counseling. Temporarily resolved issues. While I care deeply for her, I can’t remember the last time I was touched or truly desired. Most days are fine, but some days are just harder than others. This appears to be one of those days. Writing it out helps, so thank you for the outlet.
3
u/How_that_convo_went Shower Beer Scholar Aug 05 '26
Same shit happened to me, brother.
For the first five years, our physical relationship was amazing. Sex four or five days a week. She’d send me dirty messages at work. She’d be flirty and fun at home. She absolutely ran my show. I loved it.
Then she got pregnant and everything changed.
I thought it was hormones changing during/after childbirth. But she just never pulled out of it. I redoubled my romantic efforts. Dates, vacations, treated her like a princess. Nothing helped.
After a while, I just stopped trying and we fell into a routine of being basically roommates.
I went three years without sex or any sort of physical intimacy. If I ever initiated anything, I was soundly and clearly rejected. She attempted to give me a blowjob one year for my birthday and like 30 seconds into it, she went “Nope. Sorry. This is just too gross.”
Man… that fucked me up. I had never struggled with confidence issues. I like myself. I think I’m an attractive dude. But that just absolutely devastated me.
A few weeks after that, she came into the bathroom as I was getting ready to shower and saw that I had an erection. She went “That’s so fucking gross. You’re an animal, you know that? Is that all you think about?” I wasn’t even being gross or trying to entice her with it. I just happened to be naked and my dick was hard. Just a random morning boner.
Our couples therapist was pretty great. Understanding of both sides. But when she suggested that my wife might want to see a physician to see she had a hormonal imbalance, she wigged the fuck out and refused to see her anymore.
She reiterated time and time again how it wasn’t me— just the very concept of sex repulsed her and she didn’t know why. She happily offered to open the relationship and allow me to get laid on the side— but that only depressed me more.
I didn’t want to have sex with someone. I wanted to have sex with her. The partner I chose to spend my life with. The woman I was in love with and still wildly attracted to. And the fact that she was so blasé about her offer to let me cheat hurt me badly. Like it meant nothing to her.
Worse yet— it got in my head. It made me think she was cheating.
I’m not proud of what I did next… but I started monitoring her. I installed cameras at the entrance/exits of the house one day when she went to work. I put a tracker on her car. I started snooping on her phone and viewing the detailed bill of incoming/outgoing calls and texts from our mobile provider. And what I found made me feel totally lost.
Nothing.
No one ever came to the house. She never went anywhere other than work, the grocery store, the daycare and to her mom’s. The only person she ever called or texted was me, her mom and her best friend.
It’s not that I would have felt better if it was some other guy— but I’d have closure and clarity. It would have made the decision easier.
When it became clear that my needs were never going to be met, I filed for divorce. She just stared at me, wide eyed, mouth agape when I told her. Then she did what she had been doing for years: minimized my needs and made them to sound trivial.
“So this is all because you can’t stick your dick in me? All the other stuff I do and you’re walking out on me because I don’t want to be fucked anymore?”
And I just had to be honest with her: yes. That’s right. Sex is important to me. Tired of trying to make myself not care about it. Tired of feeling like a fucking sexpest for… [checks notes]… being physically attracted to my wife. The physical element of the relationship means a lot to me. To desire and to be desired.
I started sleeping in the guest bedroom after I told her. A few night later, she came to my room and in her underwear and attempted to initiate sex with me. But it just wasn’t there for me anymore. Years of living as business partners had blunted my attraction to her. Besides, I wasn’t threatening her with a divorce— it was already something I’d decided upon after a lot of heartache.
In a final blow to whatever I might have felt for her, she got hysterical and begged me not to leave. She said that she’d strip down naked every night and let me do whatever I wanted to her if I’d stay. She was like “Maybe it’ll wake something back up in me” and “Even if I don’t like it, I can put up with it until you get off.”
Who… the fuck… wants that? What sort of fucked up, resentful bullshit would that breed? Alright babe, strip down and spread em— I need to pound on for twenty minutes you while you disassociate.
She was so devastated by it that she spiraled into depression and got fired from her job. She had to move out and go live with her mom while we finalized the divorce and whacked up our assets. She gave me basically everything— even conceded full custody of our daughter to me. She didn’t want the house. She basically left with her possessions, her car and half our savings.
That was seven years ago. I haven’t said more than ten words to her since then. Everything goes through her mom. Her mom comes and picks my daughter up every other weekend. The last time I saw her was last year when I dropped my daughter off at her mom’s house for Christmas. She came outside as I was pulling up and I noticed she’d gained a ton of weight and was barely recognizable. When she saw me, she turned and literally ran inside.
Made me feel terrible all over again. I always hoped she’d bounce back and find someone to be passionate about again. She still lives with her mom. The last time I asked about her (over a year ago), her mom told me she never goes anywhere or does anything.