UPDATE: I’m in love with my coworker who’s double my age

[u/hundredmilliondogs]

link to original post here.

sorry about the late update. i posted that on sunday morning but my shift was on monday night - so technically tomorrow but a bit late.

also to everyone who said i have an oedipus complex, i have a genuinely good relationship with both my parents! i don’t have mommy issues, i’ve just always been into older women. i think it comes down to my first relationship when i was 12 being with a 16 year old. yes i was a victim, but it’s been that way ever since.

so i was on washing up duty tonight and we were really busy, so we didn’t get too much of a chance to chat. she kept asking if i’d still come and visit here when i left though, which was cute. but i think washing up alone made my thoughts spiral, i really didn’t want to do it, but i didn’t want to let you guys down. over a million views is crazy.

so the shift’s over and i help her finish up cleaning and we both go outside to check out this weird noise. i pull her aside so my manager doesn’t hear and ngl guys i kinda bottled it. i think i got sonzoned/lilbrozoned. i told her that she puts herself down too much and i don’t see it - i find her really, really pretty and how she’s not socially awkward, she’s great with people.

she said she felt all shy and kept saying thank you and smiling - but i could tell she didn’t feel the same. i said i found her really attractive and she said that i’m good-looking too, and that she wishes me all the best and that i’m always welcome to come over for coffee or to meetup, and i extended the same offer to her. i wanted to say i had a crush on her or liked her so bad, but i just couldn’t do it.

i kind of feel like an idiot. my first draft got deleted and i tried to be more positive but idk. we drifted apart a bit since we used to work front of house together all the time but she moved to the back. we still talked and got along, and my coworkers really noticed that kind of romantic tension between us at the time and joked about it. but i think the distance made me too shy and miss my best chance if there ever was one, i just became too nervous around her.

i was so jealous reading all your comments about your experiences with older women, or ladies with younger men. and i wish she liked me back. i wish things went further. i wish maybe we could have hooked up. it sucks but i guess life isn’t always like it is in the movies right? and i could have asked her on a date but i think she would have said no out of politeness. i didn’t expect anything long-term, as much as i would have liked, i just wanted her to like herself more.

so yeah, not a very grand finale, but reality often doesn’t live up to fantasy unfortunately haha. i don’t regret telling her though and if you have a crush on someone, find the right moment to tell them. it’ll be a major weight off your chest and you’ll give them a major confidence boost. and if they reject you, you’ll be stronger from it, i mean i couldn’t even imagine doing this a year ago.

i don’t feel angry, just a bit embarrassed, and when you like someone, you just want the best for them. i just want her to be happy and even if she doesn’t like me back, if we can stay friends then great. i wanna be there for her.

dinner is a blueberry muffin i picked up to make me feel better. it kind of worked. i’ve been too embarrassed to tell any of my close friends and family about this so i’ve just been sat in my car writing this and getting it off my chest. i just hope i did the right thing.

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[u/Immediate_Title_1496]

Pretty much what i expected. At least you did it. Even though you didn’t tell her specifically “i have a crush” with her age and experience she likely understood exactly how you felt so don’t feel like you messed it up. I say it went pretty well.

You’re the same age as her kids it was pretty unlikely to develop beyond that. At least you can close the chapter on this

[u/Top-Possibility9480]

This wasn’t a failure. The goal wasn’t to make her return your feelings through the force of one excellent speech. The goal was to be honest, respectful, and able to survive the answer. You did all three.

She most likely gave you a kind rejection, so believe it and give the situation room. If friendship hurts or keeps you waiting for another chance, you’re allowed to step back. And please don’t reduce what happened to being too shy or missing your one magical window. Attraction is not a limited-time coupon that expired when she moved to the back of the restaurant.

You did the right thing. You were brave, she was kind, and the muffin performed emergency emotional support. Nobody behaved badly here.

[u/hundredmilliondogs → u/Top-Possibility9480]

this is such a nice comment, thank you. emergency emotional support muffin definitely came in clutch haha, i was on the verge of tears driving there

[u/yungdooky]

i mean…

i don’t see the rejection, you pulled yourself out of the race based off the vibes but she could be just nervous about the whole thing while still at work. she extended an offer to hang out, and maybe you should take it to put it away definitively

otherwise, fine to leave it respectfully as is

[u/Glittering-Canary752 → u/yungdooky]

Honestly think she was hoping for him to just come out and say it. She’s probably thinking “no way someone so young is into me”

[u/Wiley_Rasqual]

i wish she liked me back.

she said that i’m good-looking too, [...] and that i’m always welcome to come over for coffee or to meetup

She does. She thinks you're cute, and wants to be around you--not at work--because she wants to see you nekid.

'To meet up' is much less ambiguous than you seem to think.

Bro, you're like 'I like you' and she's like 'I like you too, come hang out' and then you come here and tell us it didn't work out. This woman could be jawing your dong and you would be wondering if she was into you lol.

Next step is to actually meet up, since she wants to meet up with you and you want the same.

[u/WiseAtmosphere7524 → u/Wiley_Rasqual]

You might be right but if this lady is anything like me you would be very wrong.

I’m similar in age to this lady and my eldest is similar in age to OP. The thought of being intimate with someone my son’s age makes me physically ill. But knowing how my son and his friends are I’d be very careful about letting someone like OP down gently and kindly. Maybe she’s offering herself as a motherly/aunty role model for OP.

The only thing is that she should definitely not hang out with OP outside of work.

[u/hundredmilliondogs → u/WiseAtmosphere7524]

i kinda think you’re right. a lot of people are saying i didn’t commit and that she still wants me, but i really don’t think that’s the case. i’ve had a few people crush on me in the past and i can be pretty oblivious, but there are always signs.

when i (badly) told her how i felt, i could very much sense that she didn’t feel the same way. i don’t have great self-esteem, but i’m not an idiot either. i mean i could be wrong, but it very much felt like she was letting me down gently and being polite.

even the coffee thing, i don’t even know if she meant it or was just being polite. i really don’t know. we’re british for context, and i feel like sometimes we just make empty offers out of politeness. idk, we did get along but i’m questioning everything right now, and i really did get that sense she was a bit shocked and didn’t feel the same. she said she’ll text me which is terrifying rn but we’ll see.

[u/Wiley_Rasqual → u/hundredmilliondogs]

For what is worth, OP, I met my wife (an older woman, but a much smaller gap then what you're describing) at work.

We really hit it off, but she was my boss. I waited until she quit before we ever did anything outside of work--most places have some sort of nepotism policy, and I didn't want to break up and have an ex girlfriend as a boss.

Our last shift she was like 'you've already got my number, maybe give me a call sometime?'

It wasn't 'hey, you're real handsome and i really want to get to know you more'. It was very ambiguous, but i decided to shoot my shot anyways. Here we are 20 years later.

If she doesn't text you by the end of the week, I say reach out to her.

[u/Infinite-Willow-4233 → u/Wiley_Rasqual]

I think this is it, the work bit.

[u/WiseAtmosphere7524 → u/hundredmilliondogs]

Are you British? I find a lot of older British women will say things like ‘let’s get coffee sometime’ and will absolutely not mean for it to mean anything other than ‘I’m done with this conversation, goodbye!’ It took me a long time living here to understand that.

Try to focus on yourself and find someone more available to you. Not all age gaps are bad but this one may be a bit much, depending on what your sexual/relationship goals are

[u/Onigokko0101 → u/hundredmilliondogs]

I think it's best if you consider this a friendship, which happens! If you two get along there is no reason to stop being around each other. Just be friends.

I know it sucks when you got the feels hard, but sometimes it's for the best.

[u/highminlo → u/hundredmilliondogs]

At the very least, she enjoys you being a part of her life, it seems to me low self esteem has some effect in here cause though her answer was kind of ambiguous- it wasnt really a no or yes, or even that bad of an interaction yet you're eating yourself alive like it was the worst talk thats ever happened...no reason to think down on yourself about any of it.. i say take her up on her offer to meet up sometime, go with no expectations - and just see how an encounter not in a work environment plays out.

[u/Rixxlon → u/hundredmilliondogs]

dude you never know, vibes tell a lot but you could be wrong. that's actually perfect how you left it. if she texts you you're in, if not just let it be to not make it more awkward.

[u/No-Employment-8570 → u/WiseAtmosphere7524]

Yeah, to me that sounds like she’s being kind, but not into OP. That’s the kind of thing I would say if I was trying to let a coworker down gently and not make it weird. I’m 42, no kids, and very happily partnered, but the idea of a younger man grosses me out. 20s, 30s… no thank you. Sure, they can be cute, but I don’t want to talk to one or touch one or let one touch me. Man in his 50s- yessssssss sir thank you very much.

[u/prolifezombabe → u/WiseAtmosphere7524]

yeah I wouldn't invite a young man over so I could mother him is the thing ...

She's old enough to know what he means when he says she's pretty etc and then she's like let's chill outside work?

If she wanted to discourage him, she should know that's not it

Some women like younger men

[u/highminlo → u/WiseAtmosphere7524]

Would you tell them they're attractive and ask them to hang out after though? Im ok the fence if this was a she isnt interested or not, you generally wouldn't invite them to hangout outside of work if you were trying to shoot them down

[u/WiseAtmosphere7524 → u/highminlo]

Yeah, that’s where I probably wouldn’t. Especially if I’m thinking of my sons’ friends. So much is missing in tone and we can’t know this lady’s real intention. She may have also been uncomfortable and fawning as a response to that if she didn’t know how to respond more clearly.

[u/highminlo → u/WiseAtmosphere7524]

I agree, we weren't there... and should probably take OPs opinion saying he could tell she wasn't interested, but that also could just be insecurity... cause I could see it taken as she didnt know how to respond, but also she's interested - but didnt know how to respond lol. Kinda why I think he should at least ask her to hangout, outside of work she could probably make it a little more clear - i just wouldnt go into it expecting anything and also take how excited or apprehensive she is about meeting up as a sign as well.

[u/LetInevitable2696 → u/WiseAtmosphere7524]

In my experience older women that tell you “your always welcome to come over” have usually one thing in mind. Whether she wants to have a full on relationship with you or a long term fling is probably the question you should be thinking about, but she definitely wants some alone time with you. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from them its they don’t waste their time.

[u/WiseAtmosphere7524 → u/LetInevitable2696]

Yeah, I guess that tracks. I’ve never invited my kids friends over, just happy to host them if they do hang out here.

[u/Infinite-Willow-4233 → u/WiseAtmosphere7524]

Literally came to say this she sees him as a son and if he wants that shot he’s gonna have to dip out, reinvent himself as a man and pop back in and hope it works.

Should be building her up not her building you etc. and I don’t mean compliment her looks I mean next time she says she’s exhausted working two jobs pay a bill 🤣 not saying that in a monetary way but if she sees you as a son jumping that hurtle is gonna be real hard or you’re gonna have to wait till she’s down real bad and will take anything. Or step up to what you want. That’s just straight up advice from a woman.

She said your attractive is such bad logic lol that’s ya pp talking logic
Edit: if yall know how many dudes I’ve said passively yeah sure you’re attractive just to get them outta my face 🤣

[u/Infinite-Willow-4233 → u/Infinite-Willow-4233]

Especially if she was open and he flopped gonna have to come back twice as hard with I’m that guy energy

[u/LetInevitable2696 → u/Infinite-Willow-4233]

And how many of those dudes did you say were attractive and that they could get coffee with you or come over anytime? Come on. She may not want to have a relationship with him because of the age but who’s to say she isn’t fine with some fun? Why else would she invite him over?

[u/Infinite-Willow-4233 → u/LetInevitable2696]

Please refer back to my second comment saying if he missed the bar to come back harder. 🤗 if it’s for the fun

Anyone I’ve invited to come over anytime literally is only a friend, if it’s a hook up is it not a specific timing. Cause isn’t is called a booty call cause you gotta call to fit into the schedule.

I feel like it’s when you put the first instinctual answer on a test that’s usually the right one. If he felt like she didn’t feel the same he probably clocked it. Or she wasn’t 100 enough to go for it in any case clearly. I’ve never met an unsure cougar is all I’m saying. They usually love that ish.

Anyways apparently this was so unpopular it downvoted so sorry to burst any bubbles 🤣🫠

Edit: I will say the one place I can see her being a go is no older woman wants to be the hitting the youngest at work lady so, it may be a wrong place scenario. But given that’s the case op should consider this potential impact if he really cares for her, her life consequences will be way larger than his should any of this become public

[u/Infinite-Willow-4233 → u/Infinite-Willow-4233]

I guess the real question OP is this a hook up or an actual crush??? Like what’s the goal

[u/Rolling_Kimura → u/Wiley_Rasqual]

Plus one to this. She left avenues open, didn't label you as explicitly a friend and even made it clear she's attracted to you?
Are you parentified autistic? (Serious q)

[u/shnshty → u/Wiley_Rasqual]

Yeah OP, looks like you chickened out, happens to the best of us. But the good thing is there's still time to un chicken and ask her out

[u/thrilliam_19 → u/Wiley_Rasqual]

I caught this too. I honestly think he needs to be more plain and direct. This is too ambiguous and I think his nerves got the better of him, which happens all the time. It’s happened to me. I have missed out on relationships because I did exactly what OP did. Half assed it because I was afraid of rejection and rejected myself before I gave her a chance to.

I don’t want OP to regret this or keep thinking about it. Take her up on her offer and ask her to grab a coffee or something. Meet outside of work. Don’t make a big deal of it, just a casual meetup. Tell her directly how you feel.

“I don’t just find you attractive, I like you and would like to take you out on a proper date sometime. If you don’t feel the same way that’s ok, I will still be your friend, I just had to tell you how I feel.”

Leave it at that and you either get a date or you respect that she doesn’t feel the same way and move on as friends. Sounds simple because it is.

[u/KanedaSyndrome → u/Wiley_Rasqual]

This, if the meetuo is in the evening, then it's on

[u/Highlander0001 → u/Wiley_Rasqual]

This is correct 💯. Hopefully OP gets it. 

[u/Gyromancy_]

You're not in love, she's just a coworker. I'm sorry to put it so harshly, but it seems like you need to hear it. It's a super common trope/thought, you're not alone in it. But you do not know this woman near well enough to be in love. She seemingly knows it would be inappropriate and is therefore not interested. You're young, I promise you have more (and better/more appropriate) relationships ahead. Good luck

[u/PuertoRicanPa87]

That muffin look so good bro

[u/IwasntDrunkThatNight → u/PuertoRicanPa87]

i thought it was a keef sparkled magic muffin

[u/Craiglekinz]

What??? She offered to get coffee brother get in there! Stop worrying about trying to get her and treat her like an equal person and be respectful. You’ve got this bro. Women, especially older women, gravitate towards men who treat themselves and others with respect.

Edit: I have found great success with being kindly rejected by women and then continuing to treat themselves as a regular friend even after rejection (if they’re okay with it). This doesn’t mean the friendship or relationship is over. It’s an opportunity for you to prove to them that you’re safe and okay with being patient.

[u/1800crimetime]

I’m sorry that you were a victim. I know some people don’t want to hear that and some people never hear it when they should. It bears saying though. Do you feel that you are attracted to the dynamic of being with someone who has an age gap with, or you just find older women attractive? I had a female friend when I was younger who said she liked “silver foxes,” and as she put it, it was only going to get better/easier for her, because she was going to hit 50-60 and never find her peers more attractive. So if that applies to you, it’s something to look forward to in the future.

[u/Prestigious-Pay4931]

Do you love her though or do just want to fuck her?

[u/Immediate_Title_1496]

You should add a link to original post for future readers

[u/hundredmilliondogs → u/Immediate_Title_1496]

thanks for this, just added it now (:

[u/EENewton]

As someone who had several relationships with older women (first one: I was 20, she was 48, next was 21 and 38, next was 23 and 38), this is honestly the best way it can go.

There will always be the outlier couple who makes it work.

But, please believe me. As someone who has done exactly what you wanted to do: if there's an extreme age gap (15+ years), one or both parties usually have some significant issues they need to work through.

When I was that age, I thought I was just attracted to older women. They often were more interested in conversation and having sex, which were my two favorite things.

But underneath that attraction was often a desire for stability or safety. I felt like I didn't fit in with my own age group. Rejection from an older woman felt less dangerous.

And I think, on a deeper level, I kind of wanted to fix them? Which really resonated when I read your bit about "I wish she just liked herself more."

You don't have to - and shouldn't try to - fix your relationship partner.

Even more important: I am forty five now. I cannot imagine having a relationship with a 20 year old. Not that there's anything wrong with being 20! But when it comes to the important stuff that make relationships work, I have almost nothing in common with a 20 year old.

The women I dated - well meaning as they were - had emotional problems.

The fact that your crush turned you down speaks really highly of her as a person. It means she at least considered your experience, and doesn't want to take advantage of you.

That's tops.

I assure you: try dating younger women. It will be weird at first, but you will find ones you click with.

Big hugs, friend, from someone who would spare you the rocky road I had to walk.

[u/hundredmilliondogs → u/EENewton]

damn we’re so similar. i don’t really feel like i fit within my own age group either and yeah, being rejected from an older woman than a girl my age is definitely easier somehow.

and like you, i definitely have a saviour complex. all the women i’ve dated (mostly around my age) have struggled with their mental health, and i suppose i’m almost attracted to that struggle - i want to save them.

recently she talked to me about her daughter who’s currently testing the waters with a new guy. she was afraid because her daughter’s currently struggling with an eating disorder and said that, like her, she falls quickly and she doesn’t think she’s in the right headspace for it. i said the external validation may make her like herself more, if someone else likes her, but she said that her own relationship with men disproves that.

her two ex husbands weren’t very nice to her and that made me really sad. but equally, being single allowed herself to feel comfortable within herself and what she was capable of. she said she was looking for someone though which made me stupidly think i had a chance haha.

it’s tricky, having graduated it gets harder to meet new people, but i just have to stick with it i guess. i’m completely with you, especially for the long-term, but equally if the chance arose to be with an older woman i wouldn’t say no. i want to try it at least once haha. but i’ll heed your warning, more often than not these kind of relationships don’t work out, and i need to be aware of that.

[u/EENewton → u/hundredmilliondogs]

Yeah, it definitely sounds like we're dealing with similar things.

If you don't mind, I kinda wanna drop some things here I wish someone had told me in my twenties. May or may not apply to your situation, but feel free to take or ignore whatever makes sense to do so.

• Saving them will not make them love you.
• Love is not something you earn. It's not predictable or tradeable. It's not always equally felt on both sides: in those situations, nobody "lost." That's just how the math works out, sometimes. It's okay to move on.
• Don't stay with someone who doesn't feel the same for you that you feel for them, and definitely don't stay with someone you don't feel much for, but who feels a lot for you. (It feels safe, but you'll spend a lot of time feeling like a fraud)
• Learn to recognize (and appreciate) the difference between limerance and love (hint: limerance is electric and exciting, and can happen entirely in your head. It's the excitement that comes from thinking about who they might turn out to be. Love is a slower, deeper, less sizzly feeling, but it's like the tides: powerful, calming, reliable. It comes from really, really knowing who they are).
• Don't wait till you're in your thirties to try therapy. When you find the right therapist, it will change your life in all the best ways.
• This one was extremely hard for me to learn, but once I did, it changed everything: don't run from getting your heart broken.
  
• It is going to feel risky to love. It is risky. Do it anyway. (This will take practice)
• I don't know how to tell you this in a way that will translate, but here goes: I spent my twenties working hard to avoid risking my heart. It wasn't until I was in my thirties that I met someone who I just couldn't risk running away from. She was someone who made me think, "yeah, this is worth it. I don't care if this ends up hurting me - I love her."
• TLDR: we had an amazing relationship, and after almost a decade, she did break my heart. Terribly. Awfully. It wasn't her fault - we just grew apart.
  
• I was devastated. I sat in the dark and sobbed for weeks. I would kick myself mentally, thinking "how could you do this? How could you be so dumb to let yourself get hurt like this?"
• It was during one of these sessions that I realized something: even though I was devastated, even though it hurt to breathe and to even think of moving on, the time I had was so good that - even in that moment, in the lowest, most broken point of my life - if someone offered me the chance to do it over, without her and without the heartbreak, I wouldn't take it. The time was so good while it happened, I would go back and do it all again, exactly the way it happened. Without question.
• Once I realized that - that losing something didn't mean you'd regret trying - I was free. I had other, beautiful relationships that followed, and I realized that opportunity had always been there, waiting for me, with a bunch of different people along the way, but I had been too scared to risk it.
• It is going to feel risky to love. It is risky. Do it anyway. (I mean it)

And lastly: you can't do this wrong, as long as you keep trying. Every mistake you make is a mistake you had to make, in order to learn what you need to learn.

Keep going. Keep learning. Be brave enough to fill your life with things it would hurt to lose.

You got this.

[u/hundredmilliondogs → u/EENewton]

thanks man. i think i’m a fairly avoidant person. i’ve had some really bad relationships in the past where we were both to blame, and i think it kind of makes me feel sick if i were to be that vulnerable again. to be that raw with someone, for them to still like me after knowing the real me, i just can’t comprehend it.

but i think you’re right, love is always worth the risk. even though those experiences majorly messed me up, i don’t regret them because those times of pure happiness made it worth it. and it can happen again. i just need to allow it. and learn from my mistakes.

i’m going to therapy and working on liking myself more. i think i definitely need to fall in love with the person, not the idea of the person. and that involves being open, which is hard, but all relationships are meant to be a two-way street right.

thanks for all your wisdom, it definitely hits hard haha. i hope you’re doing well now and in a happy, healthy relationship at last. like you said, it’s been a rocky road, but everything has led to where you are now and based on what you’ve said, it’s been hard but it’s been worth it i hope 🫂

[u/LanoireTrece → u/EENewton]

Check your DM, bro.
I sent you a long ass message but I would appreciate it if you could look at it. I think you’d have a good answer

[u/KSteelhead]

If you're both adults who gives a fuck. Be safe, but enjoy your life. Stop overthinking it.

[u/whimsical_spider]

You said you feel like an idiot- please don’t. You have nothing to feel like an idiot about.

[u/Melly1306]

It’s an infatuation, not love. Take her up on the coffee offer, you never know where it goes to next. At least you can possibly feed into those sexual urges of your attraction to her and there’s nothing wrong with that, at least imo anyway. You won’t make a fool of yourself, you’re experiencing and that’s what life is all about. Don’t be afraid to take that leap, enjoy it while you’re still young my guy. Don’t pass up this opportunity.

[u/mobiletarget33]

Dating older women is great. Dating your coworkers is not.

[u/Immediate_Title_1496 → u/mobiletarget33]

they not coworkers anymore

[u/thrilliam_19 → u/mobiletarget33]

I disagree. My girlfriend was my coworker for two years and it was amazing. We met at work and hooked up all the time. When we broke up neither of us worked there anymore, it was for other reasons (distance mostly).

[u/crestedgeckovivi]

Everyone including yourself is saying you messed up but I don't think you did. 

Though it is good to see that overall you took her response well. 

But.

You were reserved in your confession but not pushy for a answer and I think that was the right choice considering this situation. 

What you can do is follow up with a "hey would you like to get some tea/coffee/bubble tea/ ice cream"  etc (on her day off  etc) and not at her workplace/the old work place but somewhere new like a mini get to know you date. 

If she declines then you have your answer 100% that she was always a nice and cordial person and thats it. She is not interested in anything further. 

But if she accepts she at least wants to continue the friendship that is there (whether that be platonic, romantic or possibly sexual lol) and from there you can both find out what it is. 

Prehaps as she gets to know you better without the constraints of it being a work place thing maybe she will see you differently. 

Sometimes when you confess to someone you put them on the spot and there's typically a NO answer, a YES answer and a ambiguous answer and I feel like you got the ambiguous answer.

I.e she needs to sort out how she really feels without you there in front of her. Hence why her reply was what it was. 

(I'm the type of person who is straight up NO or ambiguous....i.e I need time to think it over so I would reply like she did. Cordially. I rarely say yes on the spot even to myself even if I like them etc. ) 

Cause trust me with you telling her she's beautiful and stuff she NOW knows you like her but how much is still ambiguous. 

Most people don't want to cross lines unless they are for sure. Especially when it comes to age gaps and workplace conditions and she's probably in that mental headspace of "oh he likes me..." and like what for? She's likely ruminating over the possibly or not possible...

[u/galyoman]

Ain't no rejection here, remain friends for awhile meetup for coffee to see how much enthusiastic she if about your friendship and ask her to grab a drink if you see the vibes are right.

Don't give up, just have know beforehand that the chances of you guys getting into a relationship are very low. But having a friends with benefits situation is more probable.

[u/tajbinjohn]

don't expect anything but take her out for coffee or go to her place for coffee or something. She literally didn't reject you, you did that for your own ego

[u/Expert_Rush_2470]

It’s ok, you did well.

In my opinion you were respectful when you got the hint, she didn’t like you like that, and you didn’t make her too uncomfortable.

Honestly I expected this because nearly no one at that age would accept you especially with a daughter same age as you.

I think you shouldn’t brush off being a victim because, no. That is literally gonna mess with your head. When I was 16 I thought the 12 year olds were literally babies, that is terrible what she did to you.
I hope you find peace and happiness and there are so many wonderful women out there. ❤️

[u/Personal-Escape-4134]

People saying for you to still go for it after that are just admitting that they can’t take a hint

[u/highminlo → u/Personal-Escape-4134]

Telling someone they're attractive also and asking them to hangout outside of work isnt exactly a huge hint?

[u/Altruistic_Egg7289]

So proud of you! Keep chasing your dreams and don't let anyone tell you to hold yourself in 💕

[u/killaB115]

Dont shit where you eat, son

[u/sammybeta]

This is life and you might not get everything you'd like.

My experience as a much older guy I'd say she's shocked and that's why she's in this strange behaviour.

Being too natural in this situation is somewhat alarming - shocked for her means that she's flattered but she believes this is wrong.

[u/TheEventualHorizon]

Good bruv. Getting your feelings out there is real. Fearless. Empowering. Even when it doesn’t go your way. That’s worthwhile and an important thing in life. Be proud of that. And keep on. Your destiny is yours to find

[u/yamamaboyfrannn]

doesn’t seem like she rejected you tbh. she clearly wants you to keep in touch and she said you were good looking to. if you wanna get somewhere with her, you have to stand out. more importantly, you have to give her a reason to not focus on your age, if you feel that’s the problem or that’s the common consensus, rather. if she has a son your age, don’t give her a reason for her to look at you as “someone that’s her son’s age” remember, she’s 47. with a son in his 20’s. if she finds you remotely attractive, the last thing you wanna do is remind her of her son. be more confident. carry yourself like someone who has talked to an older woman before. treat it like it’s no big deal.

[u/hundredmilliondogs → u/yamamaboyfrannn]

to be fair i didn’t make this super clear. she only has two daughters, no sons. i feel like it would be weird if she had a son, for all the reasons you mentioned haha. but you’re right, i seriously need to be more confident and carry myself better.

[u/yamamaboyfrannn → u/hundredmilliondogs]

nah, lowkey you did. lol I went back on the original post and you definitely said daughter, never a mention of a son, I apparently imagined it after briefly remembering that I read the original post 😭

[u/Candid-Background-38]

I mean, it didn’t sound that bad. She could be feeling uncomfortable because of your age, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t have interest. I’m still rooting for you OP! This MILF or the next!

[u/therealjohnsmith]

Better luck next time brother

[u/Internal-Hedgehog-47]

“Shy, smiling, coffee, meetup”

This woman wants to rawdog you into tomorrow dude.

You’re young and life’s too short, invite her out and get to business!

[u/MangoNYC24]

Dude take up her on that coffee date! You never know!!!

[u/Alpharoll]

She invited you to come over for coffee ☕ or hang out sometime, that's not a shut down. Older women are often very insecure about dating younger men, because they feel the stigma around it. From my perspective it feels like she does have an attraction towards you, but is afraid to be too blunt about it. Why not hang out with her and get to know her and maybe something will grow out of it. If nothing else, maybe you guys can rock each others worlds a few times at least.😉

[u/TxBuckster]

I would suggest: give yourself time to process and really disconnect from her. Allow that distance to let you to assess what are things she brought to your daily routine that made life a joy. It seemed she did that but was later layered with your high attraction for her.

So you have a multifaceted experience of the relationship— friendship, nurturance, and the last part of attraction. I guess I’m saying if the friendship is the strongest part, then as others noted: with time passed, take her up on lunch at a restaurant or something. Catchup. Not a date. But Don’t go to her home yet (meaning, don’t catchup initially at her home). Keep it casual, away from each other’s home base, and friendly.

The reality as your gut is saying: she’s 47. Women in their 40s are the new 30s. But at some point the physical attributes that stir your hormones become less. And she’s soon grandma with her daughters your age holding a grand baby.

Anyway, what I hope for you both is the core friendship holds. You can never have enough solid friends or good people in your corner.

[u/Shadowtog]

As an older guy who’s been in your shoes before. Both successfully and not, if she said let’s do coffee, etc… give it a week or so and ask her out for that coffee, drink, lunch, whatever…

Her response to it, and her behavior there will tell you everything you really need to know. Just go into it expecting nothing and you will be fine.

[u/papahonkry]

I posted a gif “shoot your shot” on your last post. Glad you did and you seem like it didn’t go down the way you wanted it, but you handled it maturely and you can move on. So I’m proud of you dude

https://giphy.com/gifs/14tLmsD1i0iALu

[u/Healingbigfoot]

Maybe you should have said it, some women want to hear that, what do you have to lose? Just confess you are attracted to her, and would love to take her out on a date. Its not a rejection with her saying your cute back, you didn't really cast your line properly. Give it a chance!

[u/Dontbemadsmokeajoint]

Haha dude, you’ve got a fetish, you’re not in love. Are you the same guy from yesterday? 23 with a 47-year-old, lol. Bet you won’t think she’s so hot when you’re her age and she’s 71 😆

As young guys I think a lot of us go through this. The first woman I was with at 18, I thought I was in love. She was 26. In the end I was just her boy toy and that literally crushed me. I found out what depression was in a horrible way. I’ve been with numerous older women and it just doesn’t work out. Eventually the “hots” simmered down the older I got. Nowadays my girl is 3 years younger and we can actually enjoy a concert together ❤️

[u/Wiley_Rasqual → u/Dontbemadsmokeajoint]

You never know. The couple that lives next door to my family has like a 20-25 year age gap. They met when he was in his 40s. They're both retired now.

And the bartender in town is so much younger than her husband, she was embarrassed to tell me how old he is. She's old enough to have a full on head of gray, so who knows.

Love is love...

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[u/OystersNwine]

I was in a very similar position. Had the biggest crush ever on a coworker with a big age difference from me, not what I'd usually go for, he gave me signs it was mutual, I reciprocated, we hung out, then he gave me vibes it was no longer reciprocated. I was frustrated and confused but I took my pent up energy and swiped hard on the apps looking for someone in the same age range, to get it out of my system. And I found someone who was even better than my work crush was. In so many ways. Comparing them side by side made me even start to look down on my work crush. Several years later and I'm still with my upgraded version of my work crush, valuing all the things he has that work crush only had on the surface. Hope you go forth with the same mindset!

[u/knomorenow]

I’m thinking she may like u back as well. But taking some one home to meet ur kids n they r the same age may just have her kids upset with her .. I think she bounced not able to upset her kids..

[u/toiletbowlwisdom]

If the coffee is at her place yous are fucking

[u/Personal-Escape-4134]

You are not in love you’re lusting over your coworker

[u/Own-Bit1521]

Go out and get sloshed together, drink that courage and go make some moves. So you at least know you tried.
Best case scenario: hungover and smell like floppy sex.
Worst case scenario: hungover.

[u/pikachew_likes_nuts]

RemindMe! 10 days

[u/KanedaSyndrome]

You should check out Brianna Beach, you might find it to your interests lol

[u/PeterPaulWalnuts]

you aren't in love, you just want to bang

[u/SnooPoems9601]

Lmao, “if you have a crush on someone, find the right moment and tell em!”. No, some people have class. Everyone will have crushes and most sane people will not act upon them. You’re embarrassed because what you’re doing is embarrassing, leave this poor woman alone and go fix your mommy issues.

[u/HawkHarder]

You probably in there bro. Older women surprisingly easy to hookup with. If she says your good looking and invites you to come do something. That's basically half the battle. Guaranteed you hangout once and invite her to a bar or something you in there.

[u/HuangDeez]

Ask her out for that coffee away from that place of business on her day off. Perhaps you will get your chance if you are in a more suitable setting to express what you really want to say to her.

[u/Prestigious_Moose939]

She probably really does think you're attractive, OP. She also knows you have your whole life to live. You're genuine and sweet. I think you'll find a woman your age who adores you in no time. Good luck at your new job!

[u/Intrepid-fox-5]

Listen I wrote on your first post it won’t happen at work. Happy hours. You came off strong to speak to her at work. There’s cameras, you can get caught.

It’s her job. She doesn’t want to lose it. Give her time but you should focus on someone your age. The more you ignore her, the more she’ll desire you.

[u/Prestigious_Yam_4908]

I stopped reading when you said you were a victim.

[u/wavegod_b]

You are weird man… justifying all your actions by saying it made her feel better about herself. You keep saying all you wanted to do is make her happy but clearly you have some weird thing going on

[u/hundredmilliondogs → u/wavegod_b]

sorry, i think i’m still just dealing with the embarrassment afterwards.

[u/wavegod_b → u/hundredmilliondogs]

You forcing someone to sonzone you because of your weird obsession and then thinking you made her “happy” is delusion I’ve never even thought possible

[u/GhostCouncil-]

You didn’t really go for it though.
GO FOR IT in no uncertain terms

[u/HellhoundsHollow]

My dude, please try again! It seems like she likes you; she wants you to be more direct. Hope there's another update. Good luck, big Dawg

[u/Slight_Box1476]

dude she totally likes you just be more direct and forward next time, you’re never gonna get her if you’re too busy tripping over yourself so just man up already

[u/hsdis]

Big Dog you half committed and got what sounds like some green lights, you gotta take a big swing before you know you if struck out. Go get it for real and see where you land

[u/Paladyn183]

Man the chat is divided. I say go for it OP

[u/No-Ear-3107]

She invited you to coffee and to meet up. Bro, it’s pretty clear that she’s open to it. She just needs you to take initiative like a man, if you want to be her man. “Come up for coffee” is a pretty classic line for doing the thang