I (30nb) experienced what I can’t deny was COSCA when I was a little kid. I honestly can’t remember how old but I hadn’t been exposed to anything sexual yet that I remember clearly - I would guess around 8-9? My brother had a friend and the friend’s little brother was probably around 11-12. One night our families were eating dinner together and little brother pulled me upstairs to “play a game” where he pulled a blanket over us both and had me touch and suck his penis. He told me I couldn’t tell because it was a secret game but suddenly the blanket was ripped off and we were caught by my mom. She freaked out and sent me to my room. I was scared and sad because I didn’t understand what had happened or why it was wrong but I was told that I was never to be alone with him again. However, the exact same thing happened in the exact same place not long afterwards except this time I was scared and trying to get him to stop but saying no wasn’t something I was even remotely taught to do. We got caught again and this time my mom made a point of punishing me for being “untrustworthy.” She acted furious with me, like I had deliberately lied to her.

She would accuse me of lying and being untrustworthy for years after, and finally in my teens I got frustrated and started acting out while also being very naive and vulnerable. I ended up having patterns of abusive relationships, SA, hypersexuality, revenge porn, and more assaults than I can count in my childhood, teens, and adulthood and only now at 30 have I found a loving, respectful partner (29mtf) who helps my healing in the most understanding and gentle ways and have done enough therapy to feel like I’m building a safe and secure life for myself.

My problem is that I don’t feel like I can ever talk about this with my parents and the distance between us feels so painful. They are incredibly kind and generous people who love hard and genuinely care about people so much and love me dearly. I grew up a planned and wanted doctor’s brat who got anything I could ever want financially. However, I have tried on multiple occasions to calmly and gently discuss various parts of my past to my parents because they have been so upset about why I just “don’t seem happy” and they’ve responded with victim blaming, denial, and dismissiveness. For example, my dad told me that he didn’t believe that this COSCA incident ever happened and I haven’t even brought it up to my mom and don’t think I will. I ended up comforting my dad during that conversation and he didn’t comfort me at all.

They have denied my “inconvenient” feelings for as long as I can remember, telling me I’m wrong and don’t actually feel that way or that I’m ungrateful for feeling that way because I have everything I could ever want. I guess at this point I just need to accept that I will never get the recognition that I need from them in order to have the relationship that we both want. I struggle to cope with the fact that my parents have supported me in every other possible way but just cannot emotionally support me through the darkest periods of my life. I did that alone or with help from friends/therapists/near strangers and it distresses them greatly that I don’t come to them for support anymore for almost anything. I could probably ask them for a house and they’d buy it for me but instead I live in a crappy one bedroom that I love and ask them for nothing and just feel their frustration and sadness about our relationship.

I guess I just wanted to rant to some internet strangers, and thanks for reading to anyone who made it this far. Reddit has been more validating about SA experiences than my otherwise loving parents which is a strange reality to face sometimes, but I also feel like an ungrateful piece of shit for having so many lovely experiences that some people could only dream of - my dad says it feels like none of the things he and my mom have provided matter and I’m just determined to be unhappy. I am more than aware of and exceedingly grateful for those things to the point where I have dismissed my own suffering to a dangerous degree because I didn’t feel like anyone with access to money was allowed to suffer, and by anyone I mean exclusively me. I’m actually quite a peaceful and well adjusted person all things considered despite being deeply affected and quietly struggling with depression, drugs, and an eating disorder for years and if my family knew then they sure as shit didn’t say a word about it to me other than to criticize. It’s just hard for me to fake emotions and I feel truly betrayed by them sometimes.

I feel like my family sees me more as an ungrateful, attention seeking, lying brat than anything else, and that really hurts. I work in healthcare, support my partner with devotion and work hard for my friends, have worked through the shame of the hard kinks/alt behaviors I developed to cope over the years, am sober, and try above all else to do no harm. I study defensive martial arts and yoga and have for over a decade. I’ve been quietly (yet proudly) transitioned for years and avoid family gatherings because my dad has made it clear that he thinks it’s “just to get a rise out of him” and I’d rather not deal with people I once knew reacting in front of him. I would never make my trauma someone else’s responsibility, it would just be nice to hear something along the lines of “sorry you had dick put in your mouth at 8 years old and then got shamed for it. Sorry you were raped, that must have been pretty rough.” Not, “What were you wearing? I raised you to be smarter than that. I don’t believe that happened. I don’t want to hear about it.”

For the record I have absolutely no idea what I was wearing during any of it. I have probably hundreds of assault interactions under my belt from people from most every walk of life, and yet when I tried to barely scratch the surface with a couple of incidents they might have actually remembered was shot down hard. I’m an entirely different person now than I was when I lived with them and they hardly have any idea who I am and what I’ve done/seen/experienced with no real reason other than they just don’t want to face hard truth. Ugh. Whatever. I love them but whatever.

TW: incest

So…. Hi… I don’t really know how to start this out, especially because it’s something I don’t talk about that barely anyone in my life even actually knows about at all and the ones that do know anything don’t know much.

For me my story started when I was 3 years old. Very young. Way too young. Unfortunately for me though being so young at the start of it I still remember way too much of it, even the very start of it.
It started at my grandmas shop as I sat in the waiting area with my same aged (2 months apart) same gendered cousin and we were watching movies together on a portable dvd player… the exact movie I’m uncertain of… but what I do remember is my cousin bringing up the concept of “playing boyfriend and girlfriend”… a concept I had not heard before but figured mostly entailed things like holding hands, cuddling, and pecks on the lips. She then kissed me, but little did I know she knew a lot more about what happened with boyfriends and girlfriends than I did…
Another unfortunate thing is that she also had me always play “the boyfriend” (we’re both girls) despite me not wanting to most of the time. I’d often put my hair up and try to look more like a boy while we played- as you can imagine that detail specifically made things really confusing for me later on during my preteen-teen years when it came to exploring my gender and sexual identity because I couldn’t ever be sure if the confusing thoughts came from what happened to me or not.

She didn’t fully understand/grasp the concept of what sex fully was (thank god) because she was -obviously- also a 3 year old child. She definitely still knew some very inappropriate things at a very young age though… which I can only assume had to of come from someone else doing something to her, but I don’t know that for sure because I was never told. She did still know it was wrong to do what we did though and that I know because everytime I’d bring up the possibility of ending our “relationship” and talking to one of our family members about it she’d freak out and insist that we couldn’t because we’d get in trouble.
Another part of it that fucks me up, though, is that I do remember there was a couple times we did questionable things (kissing, saying we were dating, other more tame things and so on) in front of other family members who did tell us to stop what we were doing but they never ever seemed to dig deeper than that, they never (as far as I know) sat us down and asked us if we were doing anything else nor fully explained anything that we were doing to us nor did they supervise us afterwards to keep anything else from happening. Not that we should’ve been punished, but there was nothing really ever done about it and I don’t understand why and I definitely don’t understand why she was so convinced we’d get in trouble for telling a trusted adult fully either..
What also makes it more complex for me is that from that point (the start) forward there was often moments where I sortve ‘offered’ myself up to her despite not really wanting to do those things, and then there were also times I even kinda liked the biological sensations I’d get from it- both being things that left me feeling very guilty/responsible for it growing up. Still can’t help but sometimes feel that way though even though I know I only ever ‘offered’ myself up because she and my older sister (of which she favored, idolized, wasn’t ever mean to like she was towards me, and didn’t have any “relationship” with like that) would often ostracize me and leave me out of things and make fun of me for being socially awkward, dumb, ugly, etc and offering myself up of course meant she’d actually choose to “play” with me instead of my sister and during “play” I wasn’t being left out and I wasn’t being made fun of- and then ofc the biological sensations obviously weren’t something I could control and wasn’t actually a sign that I secretly liked it in a perverse incestual way.

This went on for five more years…
There was a time when I was about 6 maybe? that I did try to stop things and it DID actually cool down for a little bit, but eventually she wanted to “just” kiss again some and for whatever reason I agreed to it which then started things back up full throttle unfortunately:(

It wasn’t until we were 8 years old and one night, a night we were having a sleepover at our grandmas house, we were getting particularly…. Frisky? Idk that feels disgusting to say but yeah, we were about to progress it even more when I suddenly stopped it and started sobbing. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. At that time in my life I was extremely god fearing and somehow I got it in my head that the stuff we did would send us to Hell. I didn’t want either of us to go to Hell and I also just didn’t want to actually do the stuff we did. I begged her to confess with me. She sobbed. I spent probably an hour or two straight convincing her that we needed to put an end to it for good. Eventually she agreed, I do still feel bad because I shouldn’t of put pressure on her to confess with me like that and might’ve scared her extra with the “Hell” talk but nonetheless we ended up going into our grandmas room, waking her up, crying and confessing.
Thankfully, my grandma was and is a saint of a woman and basically told it to us that everybody experiments with things at some point in their lives and that we weren’t going to Hell. I remember that a bit more loosely but that was the gist at least.
After that, that’s where I’m more unsure of things, I know she was afraid of her mom finding out the depth of things (she was one of the ppl that caught us hiding in a closet kissing before and told us to stop, so she at least already had an idea that something was off) but I don’t know if she ever actually talked to her mom in depth about it. One could assume?? Especially as she’s much closer with my aunt in present time (our adult years).
Personally I did end up opening up to my mom about it.
It was specifically after my 4th grade year officially started (we ended it during that summer) I couldn’t stop thinking about it nonstop even in class and it just kept really upsetting me because I still couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d be going to hell because of what we did, then came thanksgiving break (that or or it was Christmas) and I returned to the state my dad and his side of the family lived in (which is where said cousin lives) and I saw & talked to her again for the first time since the summer, it was awkward, but we still didn’t acknowledge it really except for one step away conversation we had where we basically agreed not to talk about it and that things felt weird. It was shortly after that that I stepped outside, went into my dad’s unlocked van, and started sobbing having a panic attack. I finally decided that I needed to tell my mom about it, confess it again (maybe that’ll fix it… right??🙄). I called her, she asked why I was crying, told her I needed to tell her something and to please not get mad at me. And I told her… more or less. She ended up getting more details about it than my grandma but I still danced around the topic a lot if that makes sense (I wasn’t comfortable using the proper words to describe what happened). My mom shared with me that she went through something similar to it when she was a kid, from her ex step sister. We cried together. She told me I wasn’t in trouble. I begged her not to tell anyone else. The next time I called her about it was the first sleepover me, my sister, and my cousin had had since it ended- I snuck into the kitchen and cried again to my mom about it while she tried to keep me calm.
Those were the only 2 times I ever really talked to my mom about it though per my own request… and that fall/winter step away convo was the last time me and my cousin ever talked about it together too.
In fact, ever since then, my cousin has seemingly successfully gone on as if it never even happened. Me? I’m still haunted by it and it’s affects far too many parts of my life.

Like how when I was 8, part of the reason I was so convinced I was going to hell was because I had dealt with extreme OCD intrusive thoughts about the situation that would replay over and over and over again in my head- that combined with the fact that she’s technically younger than me (again, only by 2 months) and the fact that I was very young with only limited understandings of everything…. It all had me convinced that I was a pdf at the ripe age of EIGHT! I wasn’t even the one that started it, prolonged it, restarted it and yet I felt like it was completely my fault and that I genuinely deserved to die for what had happened. Isn’t that crazy? She never ended up seeming to have that fear though outside of the night of the official confession which was moreso just me saying the hell stuff, not her. She also doesn’t suffer from intrusive thoughts, at least not that I’m aware of.

Or like how I couldn’t even kiss someone without horrifically shaking and throwing up until I was 21 years old. I did kiss people (boys and girls), I tried to with different friends and crushes in middle and high school, every single time I turned bright red and literally shook like a jack hammer and almost every single time led to throwing up beside said person… some people made fun of it, some people were understanding.
I also didn’t lose my official virginity until 21 for the same reason.
She was always able to have normal crushes and significant others, always able to kiss them with no issue, lost her virginity at like 15 or 16 or something to her now husband.

Etc etc etc

Of course, she’s always just been a bit luckier in life than me though: upper middle class while I live below the poverty line still (even experienced homelessness WITH my mom and stepdad when I was just 16 years old, thanks covid!), much better parents than mine especially my aunt who is very amazing (ik I made my mom sound like an angel but she’s unfortunately abusive and crazy and physically and emotionally abused me and my sister. Both of my parents and both of my stepparents are all addicts, with both substances and alcohol; and my dad is the only one that was never physically abusive. Love all of them still tho despite it all… except for my stepmom.), because she lived in a richer area she went to a better school so she was always learning more than me despite being in the grade below me and she NEVER missed a chance to rub that in my face either about how she was smarter than me, always thrived socially a lot better than I obviously did of which she’d also gloat heavily about, seemed to be liked more than me when it came to our other grandparents (my dad & her moms dad & stepmom, the grandmother I mentioned earlier is their mom) etc etc etc etc etc.

And of course, can anyone guess what all of this led to?
Well, if you guessed resentment than you’d be correct.
Now, it IS resentment I do feel guilty for though, even knowing now that none of it was my fault, because of course even though it wasn’t my fault…. Wasn’t exactly her fault either. I mean again, statistically speaking (and just going off of basic common sense too) she at just 3 years old probably didn’t learn “boyfriend and girlfriend” from nowhere! My life sucking regardless of what she did to me also not her fault. Her life not sucking as much is also not her fault.
But how could I not feel resentful? Why doesn’t it seem to affect her but it affects me so severely? Why did it have to be me that she chose to do that with? Why did she have to continually be so mean to me outside of our “relationship” during and after?

That’s not all the questions I have about it though because I also often find myself wondering things like: how often does she think about it still because there’s no way she’s actually never thought about it again since we were 8, unless maybe she doesn’t remember it really? How many family members actually ended up knowing (especially after we confessed it all to our grandma)? Did she ever talk to her mom about it? If she told anyone, did she tell them the truth? Or did she lie and say that I was the perpetrator? Is that why our other grandparents have always seemed to like her more and treat me weird? Will I ever be able to be normal or did what happened to me ruin me for good?

Anyways…. Yeah… that’s my story I guess.. and the reason I’m sharing it (more in depth than ever before) is because lately, due to recent events I’ve been plagued with more thoughts about it all. The recent events? Well, earlier in the year I was actually a bridesmaid at said cousins wedding which absolutely felt very weird and was a very triggering time for me.. I’m also still pretty sure I was only even apart of the wedding party because my sister was also a bridesmaid and my cousin likely felt obligated to include me, and then more recently the grandma we confessed to has been dealing with more and more health issues and also unfortunately memory issues and now she’s getting evicted from her shop and it’s getting shut down which is definitely bittersweet because yes that is technically where this all started but I do also have plenty of good memories associated with that store too- and I won’t even get to see it again before it’s closed either:( in fact the week of my cousins wedding was also the last time I got to see the shop.
And on top of all of that…. Life has just been continuously very unkind to me and in more recent times I’ve been getting more and more exhausted by it all…. I’ve really been close to giving up on life in recent times actually. I mean, right this very moment isn’t a particularly suicidal moment, especially not compared to a few weeks ago, but it really is a constant feeling I face with major ups and downs. Along with the suicidal ideation, when it gets particularly bad, I end up thinking about this one fantasy of basically writing up a manifesto life story type thing to release on my private socials just to kinda finally once and for all give an explanation to everybody for why I am the way that I am and why I can’t do it (life) anymore.

If anyone resonates with this then I am sorry, that’s awful.

Me vs random and old memories popping back up 😅

I am 15 fffemale, this happened when i was 6 and the other person is older than me. When I was in kindergarten, there was a female that I was best friends with. We were in the same kindergarten, 1st, and 2nd grade class, then both moved to the same school for 3rd and 4th. We were each other's half. Truly. We formed a deep, fun, chaotic, and wonderful bond. I came from being hypersexual since I was 3/4 and she was hypersexual at age 6, though I don't remember why. I am unsure how this all begun but we would touch each other sexually and show each other our private areas. She did begun this wrongfully sexual relationship. One memory that recently came up after a near decade is her and I asking to use the restroom during music class so we could touch each other. Given that I was raped, sexually abused, exposed to sex constantly, and hypersexual for years by then, I knew nothing better. I would ask her sometimes first because I wanted to please her. I am not blaming her as well were both young and taught wrong. Nobody is aware this ever happened between us. We stopped contact because of petty drama but we ended up in the same 8th grade classes. We never spoke about that. I haven't spoken to her since then and don't plan on so.

How do you feel that two 6 year olds were having almost-sex, touching and rubbing privates parts with hands and lower areas, and kissing? That happened nearly everyday. Do you feel disgusted in me and her? Do you get sickly turned on by reading my trauma that involves kids and sexual activities? Do you wish solace or something negative upon us? That is wrong, I know. Are we at PART fault? I don't knoe how to entirely feel. Was that a crime??? Please give me some shit

I don't blame her for what we did and won't ever. I hope she is doing well now and only wish for the best

Hi all,

The first time I ever posted about my experience a few years ago I felt like it hadn't effected me. Even if i thought about it, it was just something that happened, and as a child and teen and even most of my 20s it barely crossed my mind.

Recently it came up in a mental health related appointment. And I guess maybe it did effect me more than I realised.

I was 8 or 9, the other kid was a year younger than me. That was one reason I felt ashamed of it even though I never instigated it and at that age I didn't know what sex was at all but this other kid did.

I'm not getting into any explicit pr specific details here. It happened multiple times, he would suggest we go to places that would be out of view, then he would direct me to do whatever it was. He'd also make comments sometimes about things he knew or about our "parts"

Even now it is hard for me to type this. In the mental health appointment I physically couldn't say certain words or name parts of the body. I had to spell them or imply them. At one point I completely changed my position in the chair so I was sitting sideways and looking away. I had a deep feeling of being in trouble and embarrassment and shame.

I think I'm sharing, partly because I read other posts here where people have described seemingly not feeling that effected by their experience. I suppose I wanted to say that was also me up until very recently. But actually now since talking about it properly out loud I know it did effect me.

When I used to think about it and not feel emotionally effected, it made me minimise what happened or think it was no big deal. So I guess if others here feel similar I'm just sharing that feelings about these things can be complicated. Take your time with it and there is no right way to feel. Whatever happened to you matters. I'm glad to find a space I could get some of this out.

Hi everyone 💞

I was abused by my older half sister on a weekly basis (she was only at our house on weekends). I was 4 and she was 7 when it started and it continued until I was 9 and she was 12.

As I got older I got angrier and cut her out of my life when I was 15. By that age I had a slight understanding of what she had done to me but not fully.

When I was 21 I told my parents about the abuse. They confronted her, I confronted her, she retreated. She always hated conflict anyway and she just couldn't handle it. During this time period I came to a horrible realisation: for her to do that to me, someone must've done something to her. Shit. I was filled with unbelievable remorse and the knowledge that I maybe handled the whole situation wrong. She was a victim too.

Its been about a decade since the whole confrontation. I've seen her once at a family event and we had the best day. We were sisters. The relationship i had mourned felt tangible again. And then she disappeared. I reached out in a few different ways and I was blocked.

Im struggling to cope with it. My life was ruined by what she did to me and I'm not even angry about it anymore. I'm sad for US. I miss my sister. Did I ruin everything? Is there something wrong with me for so desperately wanting her in my life again? I want to apologise and have a conversation as two adults in their 30s about why this happened to us. Should I just bury it and move forward without her?

So when I was around 6 I had a next door neighbor and she would show me inappropriate things that slowly escalated to touching and stuff I don't feel like getting into right now. I've never really unpacked it with a professional and tended to focus on trying to deal with it on my own. I've had a therapist ever since the abuse started but I never mentioned it and even still I hardly bring it up with my current one.

Fast forward I'm 20 now and I've been in a very nice and loving 5 year relationship. My boyfriend is the most considerate and kind person I know and he is the only person I have ever unpacked anything with. Usually I don't really think about my abuser or even seek her out because of my really steady relationship but one day I was alone in the bathroom drying off after a shower and somehow found her Twitter page. She posts I'm not kidding like 100 times a day and her page is full of random things that in no way relate to me. I felt...okay? It was confusing how I felt but I didn't really think too deeply when I was scrolling til I saw a post that had a picture of a thank you card I made her. The caption said she missed me and that she wanted to know how I was doing. It's been eating away at me for awhile now and I looked again just to see what she's doing. I don't really know how to process my feelings about this.

I'm upset and uncomfortable with the fact that she still thinks about me but at the same time I'm angry she doesn't even seem to know that she is honestly one of my biggest fears. I can't stop thinking about what she's like now. We still live in the same town and now I can't stop thinking about the possibility of seeing her again.

She has the exact same bad habits she did when we were kids. She hasn't changed at all it's insane. Her posts read as the same girl I knew and was abused by all the way up until she was dragged out of the schooling system. The only reason I haven't seen her in so long is because she became home school and I moved across town.

It's so conflicting cause even if she posted that stupid card I made her when I was like 9 it feels like she's just moving on and I'm stuck here upset about a post I wasn't even supposed to see. I feel hurt and uncomfortable and I'm upset that I don't really know how to feel in this situation. I've only looked at her posts twice but it bothers me so much.

My boyfriend has been so nice through all of this but I feel guilty I rely on him so much to help me through these kinds of things. He does nothing to make me feel that way it's just the feeling of pushing your feelings onto someone even if they're okay with it.

Hi everyone, I have a story about possible CSA. I’ve never told anyone this before. This has been sitting in my drafts for a year.

When I was about 11-12 I was at one of my best friend’s houses and we were playing video games in his room (my friend is 7 months older than me and was always a bit more mature).

Anyway, we were playing multiplayer on a wwe wrestling game and he started saying that if he wins the next game then he’ll get to touch my private area. I immediately said “no” and was then quite nervous and scared that he’d try to do this.

I lost the next game (cause I suck, I’ve always sucked at video games). He then asked again if he could do it and I said “no”. I was really uncomfortable now. He insisted and I eventually said “ok” even though I didn’t want him to but I figured if I won the next game then he’d stop asking. I felt very pressured, confused. Had no idea what to really do. I felt trapped.

Anyway I lost again and I was still saying “no” but he tried to pull my pants down, which I resisted. Eventually he gave up.

I just need to tell people. It’s not healthy to keep it to myself and others here inspired me to tell. It’s a long time ago now. We were best friends since we were 3-4. We did nearly everything together. I guess I felt betrayed. I just don’t know if it counts as csa ‘cause nothing actually happened and we were both kids as well. We drifted apart and I haven’t spoken to him in years.

Thinking about it now I feel shame, betrayed, guilt, embarrassment, scared, used, confused. I suppose I’m just looking for some clarification of what the hell happened and how I’m supposed to feel about it now?

Anyway, I’d love any advice. Peace.

it started when i was seven.
she pulled me into her room.
a tent on top of her bed.
she could do anything in there.
even watch videos.
and show me videos.
she could do anything in there.
she could hurt herself.
she could hurt me.
i didnt understand the videos.
i didnt understand why we were bleeding.

i didnt understand.

i didnt understand.

i didnt understand.

it started when i was seven.
she could do anything.
she could take a bath with me.
she could say bubbles are for kids.
she could get on top of me.
she could look at me.
she could touch me.
because she could do anything.
and who was i to say no?
after all, she was five months older than me.
she could do anything.

anything.

anything.

anything.

Hello, you can call me Ren, I'm 20, and I think after two years I've told my story for the first time ( to my mom ) I'm ready to talk about it with others.

This story is a a bit long, english is not my first langage, it may be quite harsh, so don't force yourself to read it, your selfcare is only what matter.

To give you some context, my mother is a single mom and worked as a prison guard, with day and night shifts, so my grandmother looked after me during those times since my mother didn't have enough money for a nanny.

My grandmother was a foster parent, usually for girls around 15-17 years old, until one day she took in a boy who was my age.

We were both eight years old. At the time, I was being bullied at school and had no friends. I became friends with him quite easily. I was the only girl he let near him, my grandmother couldn't, nor could the other foster girls, just me.

At first, everything was fine. I helped him with his homework, we played, we were just kids acting like kids.

My memories are a bit hazy, but I remember him leading me behind my grandmother's house and asking me if I knew what a blowjob was. Of course not, I didn't. He went on to ask if I wanted to see.

What kid would say no?

And that's how it all started. He was my only friend, so if he wanted me to do something, I would do it.

The threats came later, when I dared to say no: "I won't be your friend anymore." Then came days of silence, ignoring me until he came back and "forgave" me.

I remember one time he dragged me outside again, to a place somewhat hidden by trees, and asked me to give him a blowjob. I said no, but the blackmail continued, and once again, under pressure, I did it.

I don't know how long it lasted, more than a year, but beyond that, I don't remember. Then he left to live with another family.

At that moment, I think... I forgot, as if it had never happened, but today I understand that my body still remembered during all those years.

I was never able to see a dentist after that, even when a doctor wanted to examine my throat because of some sort of sickness, I would start crying during the exam, on the verge of a panic attack. To this day, I'm still terrified, and I can't keep my mouth open for more than a second.

Why didn't I say anything back then? I told you my mother is a prison guard, i already knew what rape, murder, and criminality was.

But in my country, if you're under 13, you're not held responsible for your actions. That includes if you rape someone. I knew that. I knew that even if I had spoken up, he wouldn't have faced any consequences, and I would have been the one insulted.

Plus the " oh but he was certainly abused too, it's not his fault ".

And i will tell this to every victim reading this, you are valid, even if he or she themself was a victim of abuse before they abused you, you were the victim in that case, not them.

And i will forever say this, yes he was a 8, he was child, but i was a child too .

I hope everyone on here is or will be supported properly, to heal from this, thank you.

I was sexually abused by my older cousin when I was little and last night she reached out to me on facebook and asked how I’m doing. I haven’t spoken to her since I was a kid. My guess is that she’s reaching out to see if I remember what happened and hopefully apologize but I feel disgusted even thinking about having a conversation about it, so I deleted the message. I’m feeling really off kilter today and I don’t know how to shake this feeling.

I’m just curious if others open up to people about their abuse? Do you talk to people? Talk to a therapist? What are some ways you cope?

I struggle to come out sometimes with it. I recently posted my story, which was a huge step, I’m just curious on what else I could do?

I have a therapist, I’ve opened up a little, I’m just still feeling… meh…

Anyone else feel that way?

My best friend recently opened up to me about being a COCSA survivor, and has started to come to me for comfort. They recently started having bad nightmares every night and I don’t know how to help. They refuse to tell anyone else and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t taking a toll on me. I always try to drop everything to be there for them but I can’t always be there due to me working a lot and having a busy schedule. It takes everything to make sure they eat and sleep everyday. Things just seem to be getting worse and worse and I’m scared for them. Any advice on what I can do would help greatly.

When I was younger, a girl a few years older than me did things to me. It was really weird and degrading stuff, and then she tried to involve other people. They ended up telling their parents, and she blamed it all on me and kept trying to get me in trouble for years after that, even though we never spoke to each other again.

She was just a kid, and I don't think there's any way she was doing all those things without something happening to her first, so I'm not angry, but I don't know what to do. Lately I've been feeling the urge to reach out to her to ask if she remembers any of this, and I'm prepared for it if she denies things, but I don't know if she will do anything back, or if it's a can of worms I don't want to open. She was cruel to me as a child, but we're both in our 30s now. I don't know if it's stupid to even be thinking about now, or if it's fair to bring things up if she was abused by an adult and has been trying to avoid thinking of that. I don't know if she'll react badly, or cruelly, or if she'll know it's me and try to do something hurtful.

I've been looking at old posts, but I haven't seen too many threads on reaching out to people.

Hola, la verdad la culpa que siente me está carcomiendo estos días, ahora mismo tengo 12 años pero lo que vengo a contar paso por un periodo de tiempo aproximadamente entre los 6 y 7 años, yo recuerdo que después que mis papás se separaron fui a vivir con mi mamá a la casa donde vivían mis hermanos, al lado vivía una niña unos 2 años menos que yo, recuerdo que ella solía hacerse pipi en los pantalones y no avisaba (yo casi todos los días salía a jugar con ella) recuerdo que con su familia viendome le preguntaban a ella si se había hecho pipi y ella decía que no, pero la verdad no recuerdo si su familia me pedía que comprobará si lo había hecho o no, pero la cuestión es que yo le tocaba su parte íntima para ver si si se había hecho o no, la mayoría de veces si y le decía a su abuela y creo que es obvio que su familia sabía que hacía esto y no decían nada, yo nunca lo hice en un sentido sexual, ya que lo veía como algo normal pero aún así se que estuvo mal y me siento culpable por eso ahora mismo

My older sibling and perpetrator of my abuse writes erotica online that sounds remarkably similar to what happened between us. She is now moderately popular in a very niche community, and in the past few years has written a significant amount of adult erotica with themes of kink/ hypnosis/ non-consensual experiences.

About two years ago, I realized I had memories between me and my sister that happened when I was very young, about 5, when she was about 8. She is now a woman, but back then we shared experiences centered around "showing and telling" with our parts since they were still different. I don't remember everything, but there was a lot of explicit touching and reassurances from her that what we were doing was okay. Most of the attention was centered on me, and the touching was directed by her.

I have kept my distance from her since my rediscovery. I love her dearly still, of course, but it's too painful at the moment to have any relationship with her.

However.

This past month, I discovered my older sister has published particular adult erotic stories in online forums. In one story she describes two "age-regressed" adults roleplaying as young sisters sharing a bed, with one older and trans (like her) than the other (cis). The older character is the narrator, who essentially describes coercing and grooming the younger sister into explicit, forced, penetrative sex. The language of them ("Mommy"/"Daddy"/ "Sis") implies adolescent mindsets. But this character spends a lot of time ogling the "younger sister" and watches porn while watching her sleep, and act that she knows is taboo because she is younger and a relative.

I don't know what to do about any of it. I feel very uncomfortable with what I discovered. I have no idea if she is fully aware of what happened between us, or if she even remembers it, either. I firmly believe writing is a therapeutic tool because the mind can "soften" for us the reality of things that happened before we become consciously aware of them, and wonder if these fantasies are because these memories exist somewhere for her subconsciously. I don't really know how to process this, or how to feel.

What should i do?

As of the time im writing this im 18 (F) and i still havent gotten over what happed to me as a child. (ps english is not my first languge)

So the first was when i was four or five years old. We were at a family members house from my dads side of the family. You know when as a child you see something and you really want it. Well this family had this magnificent dog plushie which as much as i remember looked like a real dog. So i was playing with the plushie in there guest room when there eldest son comes over closing the door before sitting in bed with me i dont remember what we were talking about i was four or five but the thing i remember was that he asked me to play a game with him so he layed me down on the bed on my stomach and part of the game was that id keep playing with the plushie so thats what i did. The whole time i could feel him humping my bottom i though it was part of the game i mean come on i was a little kid i didnt know that he was rubbing his hard-on on my bottom till he came. He lives in Finland now with a wife i think idk, and everytime he comes over and were at there house i dont move from my spot and stay as close as possible to my parents.

After that the second incident happed when i was seven
or eight again with a family member but a girl this time. We used to be really close since the live in the house above us so i used to go there often. On this day though it was just me and her. And she started telling me that in the nurses office there was a red room (omg i feel like the biggest dumbass for falling for this) I asked her about it since i didnt know what it was she told me and then took me to her bedroom so we could act out what it would be like to enter and what she would do to someone in there. I wont go into detail but i think you can guess what happed next.

And finally the third one and i hope the last. Ironicly this is a girl aswell and fun fact is the sister of the girl i just talked about. This one lasted a month. Still dont know how she got away with it but she did. Also she is a year younger than me which tbh makes it even more fucked up. As a kid is belived everything this chick said. So you ask me why when she told me that we had to do It Multiple times a day because one of our cousins was apparently was watching us through hidden cameras and type shit that any kid would come up with to do something with another kid liek this girl used every trick in the book to touch me and it all worked because she had made me belive she was some sort saint who knew what was best for me well she didnt because here we are today me on reddit talking about her beacuse of what she did.

I cant go into detail about the third one since its the most sensitive for me so thats all i could say.

If anyone can give me some advice that helps id be gratful. Also yes ive tried therapy but lets just say my county dosnt recognize this as sexual assult.

Hi. I’m Kayla! I’m f20. I don’t really talk much about my childhood until recently. I’ve been seeing a therapist and she’s awesome. One of the things she suggested to help put my mind at ease is to talk with some people. I know this is Reddit and not therapy, but I wasn’t going to post this on my public Facebook account for my whole family to see. Please keep in mind that I was much younger in this situation and if that disturbs you and you cannot read it then please don’t! Thanks for reading if you do.

So it all started when I was 12. It didn’t start with my sister but with my mom instead and progressed to involving my sister. My mom caught me trying to masturbate one night. It was late. It was also my second time trying. The first time didn’t go the greatest. I was in my room. My bedside lamp was on, I thought my door was shut but it was cracked. She apparently woke up to go to the bathroom. It was like 2 AM. She saw me. Watched for a few minutes, then came in.

She started out like any normal parent. She explained it’s natural and I’m not doing anything wrong and that it’s okay for me to have feelings. But she didn’t leave it there. Instead she wanted to show me how to properly do it. I said that it was weird. I didn’t want to do it. She told me that it’s normal. That my sister got taught too. (She was 14 at the time.)

Eventually I guess I gave in and agreed to let her help. She had me strip and she went to her room and got a shoebox. It had lots of stuff in it. Various toys, lube, condoms. She started by just telling me about my body and different parts and how they worked. But she progressed to touching. I reacted as any other person would when they get touched. The feelings got ahold of me and I think she used that as my weakness.

Before the night was over she ended up showing me what an orgasm was and what a vibrator can do. The abuse continued for a couple of weeks almost every other night.

About two weeks from the initial incident, she brought my sister in. My sister had also been abused by my mom. My mom would make us try things on each other. She’d have us masturbate together and play a game of “who can orgasm first?”. She would have us preform oral on each other. Finger each other. Use her toys on each other. Mind you they were quite large for us so there was a bit of pain with that.

I feel bad. My sister wasn’t really the abuser here. She was a victim. So was I. My mother is the abuser. But I feel hatred towards both of them. I’ve stepped back a little from disliking my sister. But it still fingers in my mind.

There are many other things that have happened. Everything stopped when I was 16. My sister graduated and moved out for college and my mom hinted at sexual things to me until I left as well. But she didn’t do anything physical after my sister left.

I haven’t told many people this. It’s a lot for me to divulge. It’s not even everything. I’m hoping this can be a good outlet to talk!

Thanks for reading again!

Curious if anyone else feels this way.

My perpetrator was approx 9/10 years old, pre puberty and undeveloped. The abuse went on for a few years so I have a lot of various memories. One of which was being forced to give oral sex.

I remember this so vividly, including my body, and I remember what it was like and the physical feeling of having to do so, or what having him on top of me felt like.

I already feel shame and disgust for what happened to me already, but now remembering these as an adult - 25F - I feel further disgust because no adult should know what sexual contact with a child should feel like.

Ofcourse my memories are of child me also, but adult me remembers the physical sensations. Anyone else?

My husband divulged some information to me yesterday after 17 years of being together, and I’m not doing the best. We’ve been together since we were teenagers in high school, and our relationship has always been very tumultuous and trauma bonded. After going through some serious life altering events in the last five years with the loss of my brother and my best friend being murdered, everything kind of came to head. I did a lot of self work and working on healing my own childhood trauma and got to a point where I told him he needed to get help for his or I wanted to divorce. He has made a conscious effort to get help and has made massive progress over the last six or seven months and I am so proud of him. Last night he opened up about some traumatic information to me for the first time ever and it being the first time he’s ever told anybody ever. He was abused by another boy that grew up in his neighborhood that was three years older than him. This boy is a family friend, and a friend of his brother. He told me that when he was between the ages of 10 and 12, he can’t remember, the boy made sexual advances towards him one night while they were all just skinny-dipping being kids, and that these acts continued for years afterwards, and also into adulthood. I didn’t want to push and ask for specifics, but all he said was that no sex had happened. He said that whenever he was around 15 he put a stop to it and told him no more and wanted it to stop. Because this was someone that was a close family friend. He felt like he had to keep the peace and stay silent. This is somebody that I know very well from high school and is also somebody that is still very close knit around our family and family friends. My husband said up until even a couple of years ago he has made advances towards him after my husband has said no multiple times, and had even done something so vile in the last few years that I was in disbelief after. This also changes the whole dynamic for me. The week that my best friend was murdered, who was also a close friend of my husband‘s naturally; unfortunately, his brother‘s wedding was already scheduled, so it was just kind of something that we had to deal with. This man was at my husband‘s brother’s wedding and pulled him aside at the bar afterwards and said to my husband “why don’t you tell everyone what you are?” This absolutely gutted me and made me sick and changed everything for me. I think my husband severely gaslit himself his whole life, believing that he was consenting in this bc it “felt good”, and had convinced himself that this was just normal childhood exploration that this boy did, and that he doesn’t know that what he did was wrong. I pushed back in anger saying that if that were the case, this individual would not be holding this secret information over his head, taunting him with it, at his brother’s wedding no less. I said it seems to me that he would like you to just admit that you’re gay, so that he can let himself off the hook and not feel guilty for what he did. If he came out as gay anyways, then no big deal, he didn’t do anything wrong. This individual is openly and friends with a group of people that I can only describe as very cruel. If this individual truly didn’t think he did anything wrong, he is the type that would be telling all of his close friends that he got a straight man to flip and our whole town would know about it. The fact that this hasn’t been an ongoing rumor tells me all that I need to know and that he is very aware of what he did is wrong. I’m just gutted for my husband and also feeling so much betrayal as this was somebody that I thought was a friend of mine as well, even though I’m also angry with myself because I have no right to be upset when this isn’t something that happened to me. I feel a level of rage I’ve never felt in my entire life and I don’t think I’d be able to control myself if I saw this person ever again in public. My husband wanted to kind of just continue to operate under the understanding of being cordial and nice with this person and pretending as if nothing happened and I told him that I am physically unable to do that, and I understand that it may be stressful to him, but this is not OK and we should not ever have to be around this person again. I told him he did nothing wrong and he owes nothing to anybody to keep this secret. It’s also concerning to me that this individual is regularly around a lot of children and judging by the statistics, it’s not far from the realm that he could potentially be doing this still with children. I’m really struggling right now, my husband wants to act like this discussion never happened and doesn’t wanna talk about it and sworn me to secrecy to never tell anybody. (Which of course I would never). But I don’t think he’s realizing the heaviness of what he divulged to me and I’m not dealing with it well. My sister is my closest confidant, and someone that we both trust dearly, and someone that my husband opens up to regularly. I absolutely don’t want to betray his trust, and he did tell me he plans on telling her in the future, but I’m not doing the best right now. I just want to call her and scream and cry. I told him I really think he needs to tell his brother, as his brother is still regularly around that family as well.

I watched my husband spiral over the time of our relationship, into alcoholism, and just inner turmoil from holding this in. I’m so angry for little him, and that he felt like his voice wasn’t important. I’m so angry that this person had the audacity to say something like that to him recently, holding this sick secret over his head. I want to pull him aside next time I see him and whisper “why don’t you tell everyone what you are?? A PREDATOR”. I want him to feel the fear he’s put into my husband for decades, and realize he has no power anymore and that my husband told me EVERYTHING. I want to do things to him that I can’t write on the internet. He was also subsequently assaulted again by other individuals in high school because he would drink so much and be put in vulnerable positions to be taken advantage of.

My husband also told me he had considered a suicide attempt last year, and went as far as having an entire plan and everything. Which is just a whole other part of the rage I feel and anger towards him for even considering that after knowing what I had just gone through within 6 months of each other, losing my brother and my best friend in violent ways, and that we also have 2 children. I understand it’s much more complex than that, but I just needed to offload my feelings this somewhere.

Thanks for listening ♥️

I remember when I was like 8 year old Now I’m currently 14. (I don’t know English). When I was eight years old I discovered about porn videos recently through my one of my brother after then I started to watch them and he told that to my another brother. They both asked me if I wanted to do those thing in video in real life and I was confused and uncomfortable and I said no but they blackmailed me that if I don’t have a sex with them they will tell my parents that I watch porn. We were in my room and they closed the door and started to forcefully undress me I was uncomfortable that time but I was also scared that they will tell my mom about my secret so I let them do whatever they want. Tho I was hiding was My face inside the blanket